Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the April 10 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Hyatte you give new meaning to the term internet geek. You living proof any loser with no girlfriend can get a job writing a wrestling recap. Im trying to figure out who's the bigger dork-you or Zimmergeek." - TONYDX1068@aol.com You living proof any loser? Im? Actually. I would say the guy who recaps these two shows, PLUS Smackdown, PLUS Thunder might have the edge here... I am Chris and this is el rio moppo. Just a few opening notes, some recapping, and just a smidge of a closer that deals with the new WCW. No novels this week, I'm in the mood for a fast recap... in and out. First off, I'm happy for the positive reception on last week's Stephen King closer. It's nice to mix things up and do something different for a change. There was even a little debate about his writing skills on the SCT Mailboard. Isn't it nice to discuss something OTHER than Wrestling once in a while? To all those people who suggested that I give his "Dark Tower" series a chance; tell you what, when he prints the final installment, and the whole series is wrapped up... let me know... THEN I'll read them all. Until then, well, I never picked up a single installment of "The Green Mile" until it was completed, I don't plan on starting a series that takes him years before another installment shows up. Much like sex, I NEVER start a book unless I know there's a finish point somewhere, unless of course... I am FORCED to stop becasuse of some stress keeps me from continueing and I limp right up. It's NEVER happened before... no, no...never. Moving on... fast. I don't usually bring up something in here that I'm about to cover in the recap, but I want to give you an example of how WCW pays TOO much attention to the Internet, and how it really isn't all that good for us readers. Almost as soon as he got started in WCW, Vince Russo used the Internet as a tool to further the storylines he was writing for the show. He left (was ousted? I am starting to have doubts, more in the closer), and the Sullivan camp went back to ignoring us. He's back now, and before his first show with Bischoff ever debutted, we were worked... AGAIN. Mark Madden wrote a column about how Internet readers are scum, how he doesn't pay any attention to us, how we are mindless WWF drones, and how we all really want to be him. He REALLY shredded us. Nothing we can ever say about him will ever bother him in any way. Basically, we can all die tomorrow and he'll laugh. Last night, Tank Abbott beat the crap out of Madden and tore off his shirt, revealing all the flab that is his abs for the world to see. Scherer used his Tuesday column to say how everyone who read his column must have popped HUGE for that. Hey folks, we were just worked. It's as simple as that. WCW had Madden write that essay flaming us out, just so we'd be happier with Nitro when they had Tank Abbott strip him and paste him up some. As soon as Tank attacked him, I figured it out. Boom. Now, I am NOT bitching at them for this. It was a harmless work. Instant satisfaction too. Plus, Madden will forever carry the humiliation of having his huge belly displayed. Kind of tought o be arrogant when he's got THAT on him. I'm just worried about all the more SERIOUS working that they will use the Neyt for. All the OTHER scams and screwjobs. Guys like Ryder will go along with it simply because WCW pays his salary. Guys like Scherer, Isaacs, and Samuda will HAVE to go with it, because if they reveal something that WCW isn't ready to reveal, they'll lose interview priveleges and the like. so, it boils down to this: Do you be HUGE and get LOTS of exclusive news and interviews? Or do you refuse to help sell their stories, get NO exclusives, and have a web site that's pretty much like 90% of the rest? All the while, spending your days posting bitchfests on message boards about how the big sites suck? It's a tough game. Pretty soon, the line "Because if it's on the ‘Net, it has to be true" will be MORE than a cute tag for STc. Pretty soon, it'll be a sad testimony to the ENTIRE state of rasslin' sites. I, for one, am more glad to be here at ScoopThis, which doesn't do a damn thing to appease the companies, yet still stand on its own as a WRESTLING web site. The added bonus being that if and when the wrestling craze dries up, and less and less visitors show up on these wrestling sites, ScoopThis has the BEST chance of retaining its audience, because it offers a bit more. But Madden is AWFULLY cocky about not offering an e-mail address to the folks. I might have to teach him a lesson about that. How about you guys send me anything you have on him, anything you know. Let's see if we can screw with him a little. Hell, Schiavone changed his entire attitude the last time I tried this. Let's see if we can crack Madden's nuts a little. Finally, if you have a girlfriend, or boyfriend and you are considering marriage, do yourselves a favor and rent "The Story of Us". It's Bruce Willis and Michele Pfeffier as a married couple that spend 100 minutes of the movie either yelling, or not speaking to each other. It's pretty much how your marriage will end up. Trust me. You ain't all that special, Tonto. Your love won't rise above the 90% of these marriages that end in divorce and seething hatred. Watch the movie and USE YOUR STUPID BRAINS INSTEAD OF YOUR STUPID SEX ORGANS FOR ONCE!!! Of course, the last 5 minutes of the movie is pure, Hollywood, happy ending crap... so you can skip that part. The precending public service announcement was brought to you by Chris Hyatte and the Mop-Up, who wishes all his misery and near suicidal self esteem on EVERYBODY. FINALLY, "Entertainment Weekly" got around to reviewing Internet Wrestling on the web. After focusing mostly on the company sites, and expl,aining to the rest of the free world what a "mark" is, they singled out two "independant" sites. The GOOD news: SCOOPS wasn't one of them, which would have depressed me to no end if it was in there. The BAD news: Prowrestling torch? Okay, maybe. But then a MESSAGE BOARD SITE???? WHAT THE HELL???? The GOOD news: NONE of the popular sites were named. So Ryder, Scherer, Samuda, and Dickyboy were just as bummed out as everyone else. The BAD news: No ScoopThis either. Which does make sense. Why plug a parody wrestling site when you never really talk about REAL wrestling sites. Still, they could have said how funny, entertaining, and wild the Mop-Ups were. A boy can dream, can't I? Okay, that's the opening stuff. Now it's time for the recap. For the first time in the histpory of my recaps, things are slightly reversed and RAW is the "secondary" recap of the pair this week. Still, I must follow protocol and begin with it. WCW fans will LOVE the Nitro recap, I think. It's a fair, open approach to the show. Something I don't usually do since I am pretty much the Internet's Loudest Nitro Basher/RAW Supporter. And I got the Awards to prove it...NYYYAAA NYYYAAA. RAW IS WAR: (or: 7 words you might never read again: "I wonder what's on Nitro right now?") -opens with Ric Flair coming out, ready to weigh HIS opion on all these shenanigans. -WHAT? RAW ALREADY??? OH DAMMIT!! Nitro is getting really JUICY. Why couldn't there be a Dog show? BRING BACK THE DOG SHOW!!!! -Who knows what Chuck Norris was doing? Who cares? Nitro is finally doing SOMETHING. -opening theme -Fireworks light up the scene. Not a single Vet is having a Flashback, they are too busy watching Nitro... YEEEEEAAAAAH -Oh come on, let's have a little fun with this. Everybody's been selling this show as if it was "Episode II" -Jim Ross welcomes us to Fort Lauderdale, then announced that Vince Russo has a unique form of AIDS that CAN be sent through TV screens... (YAHH!!!) -We are promised Rock, Rock, and more Rock. They're gonna make us all sick of him so that he can make that Mummy flick and we won't miss him. -The Rock comes out. Ross don't lie. -Ross, "This is ROCK Country!!" So, why doesn't he let that kid go home with his Pappy? COME ON ROCKY!!! IT'S HIS CLOSEST FAMILY!!!! -The Rock is in the ring. He soaks up the cheer. -He gets on the stick and says that he says that he's going to bring us back to next week with some "very special footage" of Vince McMahon. -No, it's not Vince with his son Shane, and no it's not Vince with the "Chinese midgets, the 900 pound Tuna and a pair of Chopsticks." He amused himself with that one. Too bad, he was the only one amused. It WAS rather weak. -No, it was footage of Vince at his best, and the rock, at HIS best. -So, they show Smackdown action from the last show. Vince took a shot or two. -back to Rocky, who said that after the "smoke cleared, after the dust settled, after the Llamas anuses have been licked" (Why bring HHH's past into this?), there is still one more shot that Rocky wants Vince to remember... -shot of Vince out cold and Rocky standing tall. -Back to Rocky, he called Vince a candy ass, Shane a "jackass", and Stephanie a "slut". Then he said that Vince Russo grew up wanting to be just like him. WHOOOOO -oops, wrong channel. Wrong show. -Rocky said that he wants one more thing... he wants a title shot tonight against Triple H. He wants said title shot TONIGHT. RIGHT THERE, in the middle of the ring, RIGHT THERE in the middle of South Florida (We PROTECT out illegal Aliens), RIGHT THERE in the middle of the Rock's... home. -Out comes Vincent K. (It's a NEW ERA here in the WWF too! Umm, I'll get back to you on this) McMahon. He is wielding a chair for protection. They were out of condoms. -They stand off. -Rocky gives Vince three choices: 1) Put the chair down, 2) Try to hit him with it, 3) Have it taken from him and he'll get it shoved up a certain orifice that has no business having chairs inserted up therein. -Vince opted for option #3. But said that if Rocky goes for it, he'll hit him with the chair so hard that his "brains will feel like crushed papaya" (Oh man... maybe Russo IS the only guy on the planet who can write this crap?) -Vince had his turn to talk. He told Rocky that he will have a title shot, but he must defeat his "opposition to be named later" in a steel cage match tonight. -We see a cage hanging above the ring. Ross seemed to have noticed this for the first time. -Vince says that he is through handing Rocky everything. Now he has to EARN stuff. -Vince took Rocky back to a year ago, and asked Rock to ask himself, "Who made you who you are?" (can I guess? BISCHOFF!!! No, no... RUSSO??) -It was VINCE. VINCE made the Rock. The ROCK was a Corporate Champion, not a very good one, but a champ, none the less. -well, a year ago Austin was champ once again, but since Austin just signed with WCW, his name cannot be mentioned anymore. (I SWEAR it's true!!! Go ask Scherer!!) -heh heh heh -Vince admitted that the Rock would have been a star WITHOUT him, but come now, did he REALLY want to be the mulatto brother of Stevie Ray and Booker T? -Wasn't it only an hour ago we heard this very same speech? Since when does Vince crib off BISCHOFF'S script? -Then Vince said that if things were different, the Rock could have ended up with a red ball on his nose and would have made a pretty good "Doink the Clown"! -OR. if they used some feathers and covered him with them, Rocky might have been a good, "Gobbley Gooker"! (Lawler, "Gobbley Gooker??" Which pretty much summed up EBVERYONE'S reaction) -OR, if Rocky let himself go physically, grew some warts, he could have been a Hell of a "Bastion Booger". (well, if he REALLY blew up, can you say "Kamala"?) -But, because of Vince, he became a SUPERSTAR. A man who hosted "Saturday Night Live"! Who was a guest on the "Tonight Show" (wouldn't be bragging about that). Who gets tons of TV and movie offers. -Let's not forget that book. ALL BECAUSE OF VINCE!!!!!! ALL BECAUSE OF VINCE RUSSO!!!!!! -and WHY?? Well, all because Vince wanted one thing, which he never really gotten. All Vince wanted was one night with Rocky's lovely wife, COME ON ROCKY, SPREAD SOME OF THAT FINE CHOCOLATE CAKE DOWN VINNIE MAC DADDY'S WAY!!!!!!! -yeah, and Vince could have used a thank you too. A look into the eyes and a "thank you, Vince" -Rocky never said thank you, so Vince used Wrestlemania to screw him and show him just who he is. -Vince ain't done, no way. It's longer than a Rectal Exam, but DAMN if it isn't just as fun!! -Vince asked Rocky if he knew who he thought he was. (well, that didn't make a damn bit of sense) -Vince wanted to know if Rocky knew who Vince thought he, as in Rocky, was behaving like. (better) -Rocky was silent. He was silent the whole time. Vince waited him out, asking him to take a guess at least. Then he yelled, "DAMMIT, YOU TALK TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!!" (but, then he would be interrupting!!) -The Rock picked up the mic and mumbled, "Is that what you think?" -Vince, "Yeah, I think you are an utter ingrate, and I also think you skipped ahead a page or two, but that's what I think." -The Rock yelled that he wipes a Monkey's ass with what he thinks. (Thoughts are NOT effective toilet paper. Trust me on this one. I tried it once. Tried to imagine that there was no fecal matter in and around my buttocks. I ended up fingering myself all day long. That was the worst First Communion I ever took part of.) -Vince took the opportunity to ask Rocky what the Hell he was talking about with all the references to various rectal cavities on animals. "At least Patterson keeps the obsession on a human level." (Now THAT'S jaw dropping!!!) -Vince surmised that the Rock doesn't just have a fixation on the rectal cavity, but with what comes OUT of the rectal cavity... (as opposed to SOME people who seem more concerned with what goes IN the rectal cavity... these people shall remain NAMELESS!!) -Vince called it, "Feeshes". -Vince said that if the Rock could take all the "feeshes" from these people tonight, over a 24 hour period, gather it all up, try to shine... no, he knows Rocky can't shine that up, pound it all together, put it in a Pizza Oven... then... and only THEN, can we truly smell what the Rock was cooking!!! -Speaking of smelling, out came the master. -HHH, Stephanie, and Shane all came out. The Rock watched them come. -Vince picked up the chair and moves in. Rocky caught him and chaired away himself. -Vince was out. Rocky swung at anything that came close. His music played. -The segment ended. It took18 minutes to announce that Rocky will fight someone in the cage tonight. -Jeezus, it started out great, really cooked with Vince, then crapped right out. If they were going to break a little kayfabe, then why not have Rocky talk about how Vince NEEDED a superstar other than just Austin? Why not REALLY break things wide open? Instead, Vince talked, then Rocky chaired him away. Kind of cheapened things. No WONDER Nitro is the superior show!! No WONDER it's always been my favorite wrestling show!!! -Hello Bandwagon, mind if I hop on in? -Ross promises plenty of fun tonight, kicking off with an actual tag team TITLE match. Did you know Russo invented tag teams in the WWF? It's true! I swear! -commercials -shot outside the Coca-Cola Arena. These Wrestling Wars are so damn COMPETITIVE!!! -Degeneration DX came izzout. Has Torrie's boobs gotten bigger? -Umm... I mentioned this last week. I... I checked it out this week. Uhh... ah... not sure how to break this but... -I think... can't be POSITIVE... but...and I'm DEADLY SERIOUS HERE. -huurm... Torrie... well, umm... I think she has an... ah... Adam's Apple. -I CAN'T BE SURE!!! I MAY BE TOTALLY OFF BASE!!! But there is a definite "lump" there. I should just drop this. -Road Dogg did his rhyme. I can't explain Torrie and I can't explain that "two tears in a bucket" thing either. -Edge and Christian came out. We see how they won the tag belts at WM. -This is for the titles. Even though DX is the last team that should own them. The Dudley's RULE!!! -Double teaming that only comes from YEARS of training result in DX dominating the Edge (Oh somebody slap me) -Road Dogg did his little shuck and jive. He was able to get it all off without someone hitting him for the first time in WEEKS. -X-Pac went for the Bronco Buster, he missed. -Road Dogg hit Christian with a tag belt, Chrissy (brrrr... I HATE that name) went down. X-Pac laid on top of him. We get a three count. DX are the new tag team champions. (This show BLOWS!!!!!!!!) -Earl Hebner ran out and told the officiating Referee that bad things had happened. Lillian Garcia ruled that there is no winner and this match must continue (somebody must be getting some mighty good B-Jobs in order for HER to be making these decisions) -Edge speared X-Pac and pinned him. Whoo, I say Whoo HOO. -Backstage, The Godfather is getting ready to lose another match, if he can keep this gimmick, he would happily lay down for the rest of his life. -commercials -earlier today, Terri Runnels made peace with The Kat and invited her out for a day of beauty. On a related note, has anyone noticed that covergirl/big boobed/pretty much all around Hot Piece of ARSE April Hunter landed a writing gig at Scoops shortly after her interview here at ScoopThis? Maybe the folks at Scoops have been paying closer than usual attention to what's going around over here? Gee, I wonder why? -The writing talents of Chris Hyatte in exchange for the writing talents of April Hunter? Oh guess who wins this contest... BOOYAAAA!!!!!!! -Still, she's the pony you want to bet on when it comes to looks. Trust me. I know it's tough to imagine, but trust me. -Godfather comes out as Ice Tea tells us to grab our "bitches". Okay, but then what? -GF does his thing. Ross says that there is no way a white boy like Vince Russo could write "black" like this. The he credited Vince McMahon with creating this. I'll believe that Taka wrote this bit before I buy Vince. -Kurt Angle came out... and preached ABSTINENCE!!!!! Brilliant! -And, unlike many of the cherries in the arena (although he could have been speaking to the Internet, quite frankly), Angle practices Celibacy by CHOICE!!! -He entered the ring and refers to the Godfather's Hoes as "filth and debockery" (I spelled it as he pronounced it, I know it's "debauchery", shouldn't the "CH" be in their?) -He had a gift for the GF, and handed him a Condom... a USED condom... -Oh God... THERE WAS STUFF STILL IN THERE!!!!! EWWWW!!! -And the stuff was BROWN!!!! EWWWW...That means millions of little sperm were swimming in there with one eyebrow up. -Angle had a poem, for the kids, "There was this girl from Venus, who did wonderful things to my..." -Godfather went on the attack. Angle found himself outside. He shoved one of the girls into GF and ran. -GF caught him. Angle caught a slap from the girl he abused. -Lawler questioned Angle's sexual preferences. Ross pointed out that Angle was an OLYMPIC HERO!! Lawler said, "So what? So was Mark Spitz!" Ross asked what THAT was supposed to mean? Lawler said, "Come on JR, you know Mark Spitz is a..." Ross, "Shut up, YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH UP RIGHT NOW KING!!! AMERICA WOULD NOT TOLERATE SENFDING ONE OF ‘THEM' TO THE OLYMPICS!!!!!" Lawler decided to drop this whole conversation before someone's Jugular blew out. -Angle won by pinfall, by the way. GF was gonna get some BOOTY tonight, so he don' care one bit. -Meanwhile, and earlier, Terri and the Kat hop into a limo and take off. -Meanwhile, Eddie and Chyna arrived in a low rider. Suddenly, Eddie's accent is thicker. Next thing you know, he'll be screaming, "ARRIBA LA RAZA" -Eddie should watch it. That accent? In Florida? Cuba is only 90 miles away, and INS is getting anxious to haul SOMEONE'S ass back to the Homeland. -Backstage, Rikishi, Scotty Too Hotty, and Tazz are walking. ‘Kishi is eager to back his ass UP. Tazz muttered, "Right now, I could be choking Nash out. Mother FU..." -commercials -The Big Show shows Shane his surprise for tonight. Shane seems amused. -Rikishi and Scott Taylor come out. We see why Brian Christopher is MIA. -Tazz came out. I'll tell you right now, he will NEVER piddle away a job out to Mike Awesome ever again. Of course, chances are he'll never fight Mike Awesome again either. -The Radicalz came out again. Russo made ALL of them. -Look, I don't ask for much, but if you ever find yourself looking at WWF merchandise to purchase, do me a favor and buy a Radicalz shirt. Just so they can get rich and rub it in WCW's faces for screwing them all these years. -They get going. Taylor vs Benoit. Then Malenko cuts off a Taylor moonwalk and goes to work. -Saturn is in and takes a shot at Tazz. -Taylor was just POUNDED. -Rikishi was in and everyone gets some. -Malenko eats ass. maybe you should hold off on that shirt purchase. I don't recall Deano EVER having an ass in his face on Nitro (well, there WAS that match with Raven, but that was more of a "home movie" that someone sent me) -Tazz is in and went for Saturn. Taylor did his whole "worm" business on Malenko, who had to lie there for an hour and wait for it. (can't he tighten that thing up?) -OH DON'T HAVE BENOIT LOSE!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF HAY-ZEUS!!!! -Ahhh good, Malenko pinned Taylor after a spot of teamwork. All is right in the world. -HH and that H guy was on his way. He'll drag ass so we can enjoy these... -commercials -At the beauty parlor, The Kat was instructing "Francois" on how she likes her hair. Terri gives her a drink that has something in it. If Nitro didn't re-shape reality TOO much, then chances are STILL good that "Francois" likes to pack "le fudge" -That H guy was out wife his wife, his brother in law, and those other two H's -It's a title match, but who is his opponent? -Backstage, Kaientai come out. HHH is smiling. -Then the Acolytes follow them. HHH ain't smiling anymore. -It's officially Taka Michinoku. The Acolytes chase Shane away. Earl Hebner is gonna all this match and isn't taking any guff from that Shane kid either. -Taka vs HHH? It can work! So long as Hunter let's the kid work. -HHH eats a Tornado DDT. Good for him! -HHH clotheslines take out of the ring. -HHH works the kid over. The Acolytes are making sure it's one on one. -Ross, "This is the WWF!!! The Jap kid will GET HIS SHOT!!!!!!!" (oh Jimbo... he tries SO hard!) -HHH and Hebner have words. Hebner shoves him. -Taka fights back. -HHH's back in the lead. He argues with Hebner. He almost says the F-word, what a BRUTE!! -Funaki dropkicks HHH right into the Acolytes. HHH lifts up both arms and pretends to give an accidental double clothesline (horrible move). The Acolytes freak and pound away. -Funaki gives HHH a Missile Dropkick, HHH barely sells it. (We NEVER forget!!! There were some good MEN at Pearl Harbor, DAMMIT!!) -Taka is on the other side and gives a top rope Moonsault. It almost totally missed him. -HHH kicks out. No way in HELL he's selling that garbage. -Vince is out. He promises the Acolytes that he isn't there to provoke them, then asked Farooq if he "forgot his scissors"? (Oops, Vince just revealed what HE was doing from 8-9 tonight!) -Then, The Bossman and Bull Buchanon ran out and took care of the Acolytes. meanwhile, Taka went for the "Michinoku Driver" HHH didn't let himself be lifted up. -The Pedigree. 3H wins. -Funaki took a Pedigree too. He earned it, he didn't have to let Taka look good, but he did anyway. -If it was a clean win, then why have the Acolytes tuned on anyway? -commercials -Footage that shows that WCW isn't the ONLY wrestling company that goes for that all important Trailer Park crowd, The WWF can build a fast little race car that goes around in circles 500 times too!!! -Except, this car just went in a straight line, very fast. Stick a lit bottle rocket up a Chicken's ass and it can do the same too. -On Smackdown, Buh Buh Ray was about to lose both eyes if he managed to hoist Trish Stratus up into a Powerbomb. -Trish sent T & A into the Dudley's locker room. A fight broke out. Imagine that. -commercials -footage of what happened with the Acolytes. -Strat Tushus brought out T & A. She had pig tails. She must thinks she's Pippi Longshnozzing -Oh WHY DO I DO THAT??? SHE'S AN INCREDIBLY HOT BABE???? (nosethesizeofmyfoot) -The Dudley's do NOT come out. The Hardy Boyz do. -ten seconds into it, Matt H hits test with a NICE Moonsault. I hope Taka is taking notes (How can he? All the pens here are AMERICAN PENS!!!!!) -That might have been the DUMBEST thing I have ever written, and I've written some BEAUTS -Brute force outpowers Young Hardy... oy -Jeff is tagged in. He enjoys a brief advantage, then Test almost takes his head off. -Matt hits his "Twist of Fate", Jeff hits the Senton Bomb. Albert is pinned. I'd call it an upset, sort of. -Then the Dudleys run out and trash T & A. Bubba sets up a table. -Like a moron, Trish goes up to the ring apron. THAT DUMB LITTLE TRA... -Oh, nevermind. Albert comes up from behind and puts Buh Buh through the table. -Umm, who's the heel team here? -commercials. TBS's Chef Boy-R-Dee spot debuts. BOY, he card reads good. -YES, I KNOW WHERE I STOLE THAT FROM!!! NO NEED TO TELL ME! -Val Venis came to the ring. He didn't feel like boasting about his massive genitalia, you Homos just have to do WITHOUT!!! -TBS came out, dressed like Val Venis. Now HIS claim to a huge package, I have no trouble believing. -TBS also has a wig on. He's got the mannerisms down. -TBS hits the ring and grabs a mic. He said that Venis was packing a "USS Minnow", while HE is carrying the "Big Show Titanic". (alas, the bad news is that the only women that he can get to climb aboard his Titanic are computer generated straight out of ILM. Alas, that may very well be the best line I can come up with this week). -Val took the mic, because he ain't taking THIS crap lying down. -He reminded TBS that the Titanic sank. Not from an Iceberg either, uh uh, it was from TBS's "dimply fat ass". -TBS attacked. Val ducked and went on the offensive. TBS's wig flew off. -TBS ended up crotched on the top rope. -Val with a flying elbow off the top rope. -Val climbed the second rope and punched away, TBS shoved him off. -TBS took over and kept it that way. Then he started to choke Val with that wig. The Ref had to DQ him. Val wins, but the real winners were THE FANS!!! -Oh... that's a dirty faced LIE! -commercials -Eddie G came out with Chyna the C. -Eddie puts on a shirt that says, "Va-Chyna"... I don't get it? -last week, we see how she betrayed he to go off with him. -Ross remarked on how red Chyna's lips were. Eddie must have sores. -Countdown. -Explosion -Music. -There he is. He's got a microphone too. -We are welcomed to RAW is Jericho. -Then he said he was "ecstatic over this new relationship", but had one question, "which one of you two is the man?" -AND, which one of these two had the bigger package? -But seriously Eddie, the Taco Bell Chihuahua has more "Latino Heat" than him, but at least that dog's BITCH is housebroken!!! -Obligatory "oohs" and "aaahs" from the marks. -The bells rang. Jericho with early control. Hits Eddie with a nice double underhook powerbomb/over the knee backbreaker. Damn, put a name on the freaking thing. -Eddie runs around, then hides behind the Ref, then slips in a dropkick to the knees. -Eddie went to work on the knees. -Suddenly, Chyna is Mexican?? -Eddie with the Figure Four. Jericho reverses it. -Jericho builds a little momentum. -Eddie does a headstand on the top rope, then swoops in with a Victory Roll, Jericho rolls out and grabs his legs. He goes for the Walls of Jericho. -Chyna is up. Jericho lets go and runs after her. She drops down. -Eddie tries a roll up, both legs go to the second rope. Jericho gets a shoulder up. -Jericho with the Bulldog, Eddie kicks out of the pin follow up. -The Ref eats the Eurobelt. He's down. There's Chyna, there's the DDT. -Eddie gets the pin. Ross is so mad he swears off Tacos. -Eddie and Chyna celebrate. After the show, Ross is seen dropping a hundred dollar bill in a Taco Bell cashier's hand and saying, "Just keep on loading me with the good stuff until that there C-Note earns it's keep!" Try as he might, Jimbo will always return to his crunchy, cheesy master. -Final stretch time. Right after these... -commercials -Ross pushes the Iditarod. God knows why. -The cage is lowered. -Meanwhile, we see that not only the Kat's hair and face has been mussed up HUGE, but her little puppy got a shave too. Now she looks like my Mother at her Funeral. I KNEW I shouldn't have let that drunk Homeless guy fix her up. My Mother was worth MORE than $5 and a case of Coors. -commercials -The Rock was out. He entered the cage. -WHO WAS THE OPPONENT DAMMIT???? WHOWHOWHO?????????? -HHH came out ready to jam. IT'S A PPV QUALITY MATCH ONLY HERE ON RAW!!!!!! RAW WINS, RAW WINS!!!!! -Then they stay out there as... -The Big Bossman and Bull Buchanon come out. It's a handicapped cage match where the STAKES ARE LIFE AND DEATH!!!!!! -Bossman and Buchanon? Oh for God's sakes. Is the Nitro replay on yet? -Ross SHUDDERED at the stories he heard about what Bossman and Buchanon use to do in prison. -Let's see, two WHITE Prison guards beating on a lone BLACK prisoner? With the filthy rich WARDEN looking on for his AMUSMENT? What kind of fantasy tale is THIS?? -Rocky gets kicked around a little actually, a LOT. -This wasn't exactly a MATCH, it was a beatdown. -Might I add that we've seen this before. SEVERAL TIMES!!!!! -Boy, I could have used Buchanon and the Bossman back when I was in the stir. I had to do it the hard way and... and... you know what, I'm not in the mood to get into it. -Rocky fights back, he takes out BBM, then goes after Bull, who is climbing the cage. -Bull jumps at him, Rocky catches him and hits the Rock Bottom, he gets the pin. -HHH gets in the ring. Shane is in too. Vince is in. -HHH has a set of Brass Knuckles. The Rock eats it. This is followed by a Pedigree. -Rocky is bleeding from the forehead. I only WISH that's the spot where I used to bleed from. -HHH got on the mic, got real close to Rocky's mussed up face, and said that he was through screwing around with him, and now the Game got REALLY serious. LOTS of bleeping was involved. -HHHe told the McMahons to pick him up for another Pedigree. For reasons known ONLY to himself, Ross chose that time to announce that Vince Russo liked to dress up as a Catholic Schoolgirl and prance around the Locker room calling himself "Suzy". -At this time, I was POSITIVE that the bells would chime and the Undertaker would fly out. The timing would have been BOFFO, what with the Nitro surge et all. -Instead, the Acolytes ran out. The clobbered the Prison guards and vaulted into the cage. -Vince and Shane scurried up the cage. Rocky was saved. -Vince and co. celebrated. Rocky was a mess. The show ended. You have to admire them, they aren't OVER reacting to WCW's comeback. They are still building VERY slowly to a Rock/HHH blowout. Overall, a fine outing, but Nitro kicked it's ASS!! Err... I guess I should recap it first. Right. If you didn't like THIS recap, odds are you won't like the Nitro one either. I'm in a mellow mood this week.