Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 4/13 Yes indeedy-doody. After a RAW which F&%^$#% PROMISED AND PROMISED US SOMETHING ONLY TO HAVE IT MUTHAF&%$#$^$ YANKED RIGHT FROM UNDER US AT THE LAST SECOND, one would think that a Nitro that pulled out all the stops could easily take the night away, it's a 3 hour show with ALMOST A FULL 15 MINUTES OF ACTUAL ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!!..it's... NITRO: (or RAW? HA, I laugh at RAW) - opens with footage from last week where Piper tells Hogan that the "sport isn't big enough for the both of us"...(took him 20 years to figure that out?). He also made a lame RuPaul joke...(Geezus Christmas....does ANYONE remember when he used to be cool?) - opening theme - Fireworks go off....as does Tony. - The Nitro Girls are in the ring. Larry brags about "shooting a 69".....(I can only live vicariously Larry buddy). - The announcers come on camera...Larry gives the fans a thrill...which had nothing to do with that previous "69" crack. - Tony says that Savage and Sting will STILL be going at it at Spring Stampede.....I'm taking a "wait and see" approach. - Getting things going quickly, Fit Finely (who's belly really should disqualify him from being called "Fit"...still, he could kick my ass...so he can call himself whatever he damn well wants) comes to the ring to take on Scott Steiner. I try to watch the match, but two things distract me... A: Tony and the boys cluelessness of what Steiner's Trophy is supposed to mean.....is this supposed to be a mystery to capture our imagination? B: I couldn't keep my mind off the phrase "Big Poppa Pump" written on his buttocks.....am I "fruity" for focusing on that? Was George Michael waiting for Scotty in that L.A. rest-room? - by the way...Larry Hennig was seen in the front row...having a ball. Tony mentioned that along with Hennig; Nick Bockwinkle and Brad Rheingans. They were both drunk out of there minds...Bockwinkle was wandering around giving orders as if he was still the Head of WCW and Rheingans was seen screaming "THIS ISN'T WRESTLING THE WAY IT OUGHT TO BE!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS TITO SANTANA??????" (That last joke courtesy of the old AWF: "Warriors of Wrestling") - the guy with the newly blonde "Old Sting" 'do won. - One of several "special looks" at Bret Hart. He makes mention of being screwed over by a "promoter" (Who? Paul Heyman? Why would Bret have problems with HIM? Why Bret? Why?). This was just a reminder for us NOT to touch the dial 'round 8:00 o'clock.....because in WCW...NOBODY EVER gets screwed.....just ask Sean Waltman. - commercials - Mean Gene pushes the Hotline....apparently, MIKE TENAY has all the answers that WE COULD POSSIBLY WANT!!!!!!!!! (Maybe HE'LL tell us how Heyman screwed Bret over!!) - Lenny Lane (who's parents read one too many Superman comic books) came to the ring to fight Ultimo Dragon...who won't be Ultimo Dragon for much longer if Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat has his way. - During the match, Tony and the boys talked about Bret Hart's "courage" to stand up to......(they used the NWO..but anyone with half a brain knew who they REALLY meant). Ultihomo won with the Dragon Sleeper. Lane drew some brief heat from the fans....I have NO idea when he turned heel.....and I don't really care either. - Another "Up Close and Personal" with Bret Hart...he just wants one shot at the belt....just one shot...just one....(think he'll get it?) - commercials - Tony and the kids hype the sh&% out of the HISTORIC "Bat match" coming this Sunday. They chat up how BRILLIANT a man Piper is. - They cut to Mean Gene for a interview with Piper backstage in the locker room...which looks more like a BATHROOM then anything else...(no wonder Piper was smiling so broadly....and Gene had his sports coat off....boy, this George Michael thing is becoming an epidemic!!!). - Anywhoo..Piper had enough time to announce that Hogan will fight Nash tonight when Hogan "came out of nowhere" (translation: He was standing right next to the cameraman shooting the incident!) and attacked him. - As you all know well....when you try to wrestle OUTSIDE the squared circle...things don't look as good as they should....and when the guys involved are Hogan, Piper, and Beefcoc.....I mean BeefCAKE...then you know things are going to be bad. Of course, Roddy had it coming to him, I mean he didn't offer any defense whatsoever. Hogan pounded him a bit, then Beefcake dropped him with the "Chartbuster" (I will NOT insult Austin or Page by lumping HIS version of the move in with them). - Larry had the NERVE to ask..."Where did THEY come from?" Tony informed both of Piper's fans that medical attention is already on the scene (apparently, Gene stubbed his toe during the incident...and he was DEMANDING a doctor). - You know that was all pre-taped right? Hogan is on the Leno show tonight (I refuse to call it the "Tonight Show" anymore). You see, I could make a gag about how Hogan has these super powers and can race over to Los Angeles in seconds to be on both shows...but I won't. This is BULLCRAP!!! Why am I mad, because Bischoff insists on treating us like TOTAL RETARDS!!!!! WITHOUT A SHRED OF INTELLIGENCE!!! They want us to think that Hulk Hogan can be in Minnesota AND Los Angeles at the SAME TIME! - By the way....does anyone think that Leno will call Hogan "Hollywood"? (Seeing how much of a suck ass Leno is, it wouldn't surprise me at all He could give Bischoff lessons). - commercials - Mean Gene is in the ring. After declaring that WCW has officially "turned up the heat" on tonight's show. He brought out the Giant. - So out comes the big guy...visible pissed that he wasn't picked to star in Billy Crystal's "My Giant". When he starts talking, I notice for the first time just how thin his hair is getting....Good Lord...someone call Sy Sperling....QUICK!! - One little thing about the interview...The Giant made two statements: - "If I get the bat, I'm gonna turn somebody into a POPSICLE!!!!" Meaning, he's gonna jam it up their (Big Poppa) pumps. Gene had to say that he got it, in order to make sure that WE got it....that's about as dirty as WCW gets....unless Sting is around of course. - (To Kevin Nash, to whom he also accused of dying his hair) "If Hollywood Hogan ever stops, you're gonna get stuck. You know what I mean?" (Which is the G-Rated version of what XPac said two weeks ago..I KNOW that Bischoff made him say that....it's his way of saying, "SEE SEE??? We don't have to be like those WWF POTTYMOUTHS!!!!!!!!"). To me...and probably millions of others...it made WCW look like p#$&ys, but what do I know? - Either Rocco Rock or Johnny Grunge took on Chavo Guerrero. Chavo was pinned. There was no sighting of Eddie. This is how you keep the fans around at 9?? - Another segment with Bret Hart. Bret says that "Nash is scum and Hogan is worse" and he would take great pleasure in watching them tear each other up. (This is sounding like his Newspaper column more and more!! I WANT SOME USA BASHING!!!!!!) - commercials - as Tony pushes some upcoming dates..the Nitro Girls throw out some stuff to the fans while wearing Bunny ears....how bunnies have anything to do with the Death and Resurrection of Christ is beyond me. - The NWO theme music is played, then abruptly stopped so they could go to the.. - "On the Road" with Starburst...or as I like to call it...flavored paste. The good news here is that Lee Marshall is no longer "on the road" at some "Nitro Party" (trust me..the only time Marshall came close to a Nitro Party was when he would cruise the college parking lots....looking to help "tudor" some co-eds with their "Biology"...if you know what I mean..heh heh). This time around..the OTR reports were quick and painless....unlike this show. - NOW....the NWO music blares and Kevin Nash comes out....(his hair isn't REALLY dyed..it's more highlighted than anything else. Not the most MANLY of things...but whatever floats his boat). - In the ring, you can almost see Kev's eyes roll in disgust at selling the fact that Hogan "just ran out the backdoor". Then he went on to say that the law got ahold of "Piper's good buddy George Michael" last week...(quite the on-running theme here!). - Then he talked about how he almost beat Sting for the world belt last week...and how he could probably do it again. Need I say what happened? - No? Good, then I'll just move along..... - Glacier came to the ring.....GLACIER??? - oh okay..I'll finish. Sting ran into the ring (his hip didn't look all that hurt), and got in Nash's face. JJ Dillon followed suit...obviously to kill any spontaneity that might DARE take place. Sting grabbed the mic and said that he wanted Nash to have a title shot tonight. He even gave Nash his baseball bat. Dillon did just what I expected and trounced all this fun resoundly by using the seldom enforced rule that WCW OFFICIALS have to sanction matches before they could take place. After Sting reminded JJ just who made the rules here, he said that the match will take place later on during RAW...(why give the fans a freebie??). Sting wasn't finished though, he then demanded that the Powerbomb be re-instated for the match, because he was sick of Nash's "BITCHING" (Bischoff had a heart attack on that one)....JJ squirmed like the cop who first caught George Michael...but eventually agrees. Before he left the ring,, and probably because Nash was WAAY over with the crowd, Sting gave him a series of "Crotch Chops"...and even got a few off before the cameras turned away...(JEEZUS..How much juice does Sting have there anyway???). - In a funny denouement, Nash started to complain to Dillon about how "out of control" Sting was. You know...screw Sting...NASH RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - sigh...NOW Glacier came to the ring...he took on Benoit. He lost. Any questions? The match was longer than it had any right to be. - footage from Thunder (is that still on the air?) where Buff was trash talking Luger. - commercials - The second hour arrives with all the force of a second hour....am I crazy or has there yet to be a mention of Ric Flair? - Oh..there it is..footage of Eric acting goofy on Thunder.....but it's nice to see him get suplex..even though he oversells the pain... - Just because Hogan isn't around does NOT mean that Uncle Eric stays behind the scenes....he comes out with Buff Bagwell...in the ring, they do a bit where Rick Steiner is going to pay for having the TEMERITY to suplex Bischoff....who is further pumping up his ego by now demanding that ALL of his wrestlers call him "Easy E"....(why would a white guy who can't sing or dance name himself after a dead black rapper who dies from aids?). - By the way, Bischoff grabbed the mic and announced that Hogan was not there because he had to do the Leno show......which does NOT excuse that slap to our faces from before...YOU CANNOT make a trip from Minnesota to Los Angeles that fast...no matter how you work the time zone factor in... - commercials - Luger came to the ring to take on the "Stuff"...and so he did... - Eric completed the ensemble by putting on some sunglasses....from Banana Republic: $299.95....Uncle E is SUCH the yuppie. - Buff had a nice match.....which he tried very hard to make the eternally stale Luger look interesting. Luger put on the Rack...Bischoff interfered and started to no sell his kicks...(I TOLD YOU HE WOULD MAKE UP FOR LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THIS GUY LIKE THE BACK OF MY FRIGGIN' HAND!!!!!!!!!!) - Since he is SO COOL...Eric's sunglasses stayed on the whole time..even when Luger put him in the rack. Scott Steiner came in and attacked....Rick Steiner followed..the NWO ran like Hell. - Bret Hart gave Savage one piece of advice...if he played with pigs..he's gonna get dirty...(insert Sherri joke here). - commercials - The Nitro Girls do something....does Kimberly have the night off? Or haven't I been paying attention? - Super Calo comes to the ring to take on Chris Jericho...my new favorite heel. He takes a pro-Jericho sign and tears it up.....gotta love it. - Jericurl took the mic and welcomed us to "Monday Night Jericho"....then accused Super Calo of really being Prince Iaukeia......Calo denied it with a passion....Hey..who wouldn't?? - The match was the match...Bobby Heenan joined the fun by the way...we are halfway home. - Jericho won with the Lion Tamer....then Prince Ivanna trump tried to get at him...Jericho bailed out. - Bret Hart talked about all the losers in WCW who never worked as hard as he has in the WWF...but now he respects them....(you kind of have to read between the lines here)...I think this is a response to the LACK of response that Bret has had since coming to WCW. I'm not sure if this is the best way to get folks into him....but I ain't a genius like Bischoff..so what do I know? - commercials - Hammer comes to the ring to take on Saturn..Tony has an explanation as to why the Flock are fighting within....but I'll spare you the boring details... - Take a guess as to who won. - commercials - The other half of Public Enemy comes to the ring with a table in hand.....who is he taking on?? - Uh Oh...it's Goldberg......either Rock or Grunge better jam that friggin' table up his keister in order to stop him... - he didn't...Goldberg wasted the biiiiiaaaatch. He speared him right through the table in a nice spot...somewhere, Paul Heyman is laughing at Public Enemy....who are officially the Bushwackers of the 90's. It didn't even matter if the table was pre-cut...not this time. - Saturn tries to get after him...but Raven stopped him....Kidman tried, but Goldberg stopped him. - Tony reminds us that since Hogan was NOT there to interfere in the Sting/Nash match this week...then we are TRULY in the midst of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Horribly bad video montage of Bischoff's wet dream named Goldberg. Why are you watching RAW? Goldberg is right HERE!!!!! - commercials
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