Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

We are almost home 4/13/98 WRAPPING THE WHOLE SHE-BANG UP..... - The Third hour arrives.....Lord yes - Still no Kimberly as the Nitro Girls do a damn good impression of the Spice Girls... - another Nitro party clip.....just because Nitro is the king...and we all MUST know that!!!!!!! - Yuji Nagata comes to the ring to take on Curt Hennig, as Larry Hennig looks on with Rick Rude's father. Rude skips the usual routine of taking Tenay's spot and stays at ringside to hang with his pop. - Now..do you REALLY think that Bischoff would be so cruel as to have Hennig do a job to Nagata in Minnesotas in front of his DAD??? Of course not! (Although I wouldn't have put it past him). They even gave the "Axe" a little piece of the action by having him rip off his sweater to reveal a shirt that said, "Hennig Rules" underneath. - Truthfully, Hennig should have been DQ'ed a minute into the match due to Rudes blatant interference...but the ref was too concerned with his own ass to try that move. The handcuffs followed the pinfall, and Neidhart ran in to try to make the save... - commercials - La Parka came out to take on Booker T.....(this is a third hour worthy match???) - It didn't take Booker long. La Parka tried to chair him, but Benoit made the save..then pushed down Booker after he tried to shake hands....don't know, don't care. - commercials - video thingy involving Raven and DDP - George Michaels FAVORITE wrestlers!!! High Voltage get a TOTALLY undeserved third hour shot against DDP..well, one of them does at least. THIS IS HOW THEY COMBAT A RED HOT WWF????? - I guess so...Page drops the juicehead in less time than it takes to tell. The Flock came out with Raven on the mic..Raven was full into his "What about me?" mode. Page has more ballz then brainz and attacks. He actually goes through the Flock and goes after Raven...but he was gone....and so was the show... - commercials - Konan comes out with Vincent. He is taking on Rick Steiner. Steiner won...nothing much happened, trust me. - commercials - footage and DETAILED examinations of the Savage incident from last week... - the announcers kill MAJOR time by showing a Sting clip...I think they are INTENTIONALLY putting on a sub-par show... - commercials - Even though they made the main event match in the first hour...Bischoff was able to RUSH Michael Buffer over to the show to announce the main event....(Because it's just that DAMN SPECIAL!!!!!!!). Buffer does his thing, then brings out Nash. - Then Sting comes out....no Crotch Chopping this time..Sting goes right for it... - Last week's match was better. This one had one too many rest holds..(a BEAR HUG FOR GOD'S SAKES!!!!!) Nash teased the Powerbomb a few times, but didn't do it. - As Sting had Nash in the Scorpion, Randy Savage limped to ringside with Elizabeth. Liz distracted the ref as Savage hit Sting with his arm cast.....again, don't ask. - Nash tried to pin, but Sting got the shoulder up...Schiavone acted as if Christ Himself was re-enacting his resurrection. - The debris was flying hot and heavy as Nash powerbombed Sting. The ref was about to make the pin when.. - Bret Hart pulled him out and hit the ring...Sheriff Bret attacked Nash and put him in the Sharpshooter. The NWO charged..things looked bleak. The Sheriff took charge and fought them off...things degenerated nicely and the show went off the air.. Hmmph. This show was the ULTIMATE F-YOU to Vince. Eric PURPOSELY booked a rather lousy offering (Page vs High Voltage? Konan vs Steiner? IN THE THIRD HOUR???) just because he knows that Nitro would win the ratings. Earlier, I said that he was panicking..I guess I was wrong...that boy is too FULL OF HIMSELF to panic. I hope RAW wins the ratings...THAT'S RIGHT..I HOPE RAW WINS!!! Kiss my ass WCW fans!!!! Bischoff needs a slap in the face. Because now, his arrogance is making for bad shows...and that affects us. And where was Flair? I am starting to think that there is some SERIOUS trouble between Flair and Bischoff. I mean really. Read the closer...damn you. Matt from L.A...a friend of mine who is also a screenwriter (WHOA..a screenwriter in L.A. Imagine THAT? There aren't enough of THOSE are there?), pointed out...the single most important event in professional wrestling went down last week...and nobody here really blinked. Antonio Inoki, perhaps the GREATEST, most INFLUENTIAL, most SUBSTANTIAL professional wrestler EVER retired last week in front of millions. Of course, since we are Americans, we could give a rat's ass. It's an ugly side to us, but it's a sad truth. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that I couldn't care less about Japanese wrestling, or Inoki in general. For the Mop-Up foreign readers out there, I apologize for our American arrogance, but there are reasons for our behavior. If you would join me for a moment, I will explain why we Americans have EARNED the RIGHT to be cocky, self absorbed d-bags. In other words... WHY AMERICA RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Our President gets MORE popular every time he pulls down his pants and cheats on his wife!! - Instead of having all of our citizens send $5, $10, $20, $50, or $100 dollars every year for tax season, depending on your income level, we have complex, confusing Income Tax forms which are too incoherent NOT to screw up! - Someone like Jenny McCarthy can have a career...granted, a pretty sad one. - Someone can go on the radio and have a successful career...just so tons of other folks can go on the radio and steal all of his material, AND CLAIM TO HAVE INVENTED IT!! - Supermodels are treated the way they SHOULD be....like esteemed thinkers who's every word should be recorded for the History books. - THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ is American - 24 HOUR PORN STORES AND CHANNELS!!!!!! - It's the only country where we are ENCOURAGED to sit on our asses all day/night and stare at the TV while pigging out on Taco Bell and Doritos. - We have NEVER lost a war...that Vietnam thing was a TIE! - We have REAL FOOTBALL.....not that wimp ass Soccer. - We have REAL BASEBALL.....not that wi.....oh..umm, nevermind. - Large corporations, having done MORE then enough for American workers, move their companies to Mexico to give them a chance to make pennies an hour! - We make the BEST TOUPEES in the world! - We teach children from other countries how to make LOADS and LOADS of clothes....again, for pennies an hour! - We supply our homeless with windshields to wash! - Screw that socialized medicine crap....MEDICARE AND HMO'S ARE THE WAY TO GO!!!! - Idiots like me can do dumb stuff like this! - We give Joe Pesci and Robert Deniro UNLIMITED OPPORTUNITIES to play the same character. - Two words: STAR TREK - One word: GREASE (it is THE word after all) - Insert your own Bischoff joke here. - Our Crips, Bloods, and Latin Kings could take out any "gangs" that other countries have...and pillage their women in the process. Boy, (sniff) I feel so patriotic now. THIS American is going to bed. I have to catch a few zzzz's before getting up and doing my Income Taxes. I need a fresh mind going so I can get "creative" with my returns. (Boy, if they only knew...). I'll see you next week....well, I won't actually "see" anyone, but I'll talk to you next week...but then again.."talking" usually involves two or more people....I don't know what we'll do next week, but I usually never do anyway, so it all works out. This is Hyatte. Chris Hyatte

Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 4/13 read this one first kids...or you'll be SO LOST.. MOP-UP RAW "Your articled sucked...what are you 10 years old?" Hilgemann djh@tznet.com: (WAY too above this kind of nonsense...and apparently WAY too above proofreading his own work) Yo Hey! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. An immature look at an immature profession. Right off the bat, I'd like to thank all the nice letters I got last week. It seems that many thought that last week's column was one of my better offerings.....personally, I thought it blew smelly chunks...go figure. Okay, I am WELL aware that this week is expected to be a major Monday night blowout of epic proportions from both feds....(anyone else see a major disappointment coming from a mile away?)....so let me toss in a few opening notes, then we can shin this dig, or dig this shin. By the way, to set the record straight, I was NOT the mystery man "assisting" George Michael in that L.A park rest-room....I was in the stall next to him asking if he could roll a spare roll of toilet paper my way....apparently, he had used them all up. I had to use my sock.....icky. Scott Hall was told to leave an ECW House show by Shane Douglas, Chris Candido, and Bam Bam Bigelow....the good news is that if he was recovered enough to go to a wrestling show, then he is recovered enough to get his back to the ring...right? You wanna hear my worst nightmare? No?? Well too bad 'cause here it is!!! RAW gave Nitro a fright last week, (if anyone out there thinks Eric isn't sweating like a hooker in August you just hasn't been paying attention). Bischoff was in Japan last week. Bischoff comes back and thrills his fans by awkwardly inserting himself in almost every angle. Nitro creams RAW in this week's rating. Bischoff takes full credit for the rebound and goes on Prodigy to brag about it. Hyatte pulls out his hair in frustration and spends the next 6 days banging his head against the wall and drinking like a fish to forget about all this crap. Think it's just a nightmare? THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! IT COULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (especially the "drink like a fish"...in fact, I can pretty much GUARANTEE that....no matter what happens.) MASTER MENACE IS COMING. I dropped the ball last week and didn't report one of the COOLER aspects of Nitro last week. Nash and Sting come to the ring, Nash gives Sting and the fans the WOLFPACK sign, Sting returns the favor, then drops his hands and gives him the "Crotch Chop", (This is the THIRD time Sting did that, and it was the THIRD time the cameras deftly avoided it by staying on Sting from the chest up, so they knew that he would be doing it....so I wonder if Eric approves of Sting doing it..and I wonder what Hall and Nash think of that apparent double standard?). Also, as they locked up, a fan ran across the camera's eye with a sign that read, "IRAN NUMBER 1"....I LOVED it..and I am calling it last week's SIGN OF THE NIGHT....for nostalgic purposes....of course (don't even THINK about questioning MY love for this country..as my closer this week will prove). That'll do it for the openers....let's get right back in the crapola. It's time bruddas and sizztas....what happens when you put a live RAW in front of a rabid crowd in Philly, (quite possibly, home of the most PUMPED wrestling crowd in the country) in a time when RAW is threatening to finally win a Monday night in the ratings up against a Nitro run by a panicky Eric Bischoff whose prediction that the "WWF will fall within six months" is beginning to crumble at his feet" (anyone remember THAT prediction?? From Christmas I think?). Well, you get what could possibly be the most EXCITING night in Monday night wrestling HISTORY!!!!! Let's get going kids, there is a LOT to cover.. Because of the way SCOOPS re-arranged the Mop-Up, it is no longer necessary to start EVERY column with Nitro...so we are back to the starting off each column with a different show format..which means that this week starts off with: RAW IS WAR: (or Introducing.....UNCLE VINNY!!!!!) - opens with a video thingy concerning Austin and Vince's recent squabbles. - opening theme - Fans and fireworks...so loud that Vietnam vets all over the country are diving to the ground screaming, "INCOMING"!!! - The cameras take a long look at a sign that reads, "GOLDBERG FEARS AUSTIN"....umm, call me crazy, but I don't think that boy fears anybody...other than the dreaded SPINEROONI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - How do you get folks checking things out NOT to switch back to the EXCITING Glacier/Benoit match? (What drugs are you ON Eric?)...easy, you bring out.. - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...that's who. Austin grabs the mic and demands that Vince McMahon gets his hairy ass out there...under the threat of staying in the ring all night and holding up the show. He also promised not to hit him. - Austin got the fans going by asking for a cold beer. (Impossible task...since ALL beer at arenas end up warmer than pee within 30 seconds of leaving the keg). - Eventually, Vince warily stuck his head out of the curtain...since Hogan can be at two places at once...maybe BRET HART could too? Vince ain't taking no chances (ANOTHER double negative., I know...but it helps me relate to the kids). Seeing that Bret was not around, Vince made his way down the aisle flanked by Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and two actors pretending to be cops. - In the ring, Austin asked Vince just who his opponent will be at "Unforgiven"...Vince hemmed. - Austin asked again...Vince hawed. - Then Austin started in on how much he hates Austin, and how Vince's idea for a world champ is someone who is well educated, groomed, mannered, and heeled....(Which leaves just one guy...and it isn't Bret Hart, who is Canadian after all. GOD BLESS BOB BACKLUND!!!! THE WWF HAS BEEN SINKING EVER SINCE HE LOST THE BELT FOR THE FIRST TIME). - In short, Austin concluded that Vince's idea of the perfect champion was......VINCE HIMSELF!!!!! - In a HILARIOUS BIT....Austin said that before he gave him the new WWF belt, he could picture Vince walking around at his house with his little pajamas on and he looked at his wife and asked, "Honey, how do I look as World's champion?" and that she probably said, "Honey, you look like a jackass." (BINGO! Line of the night...I damn near CHOKED to death on the burrito I was eating....I had to give myself the Heimlich, I was laughing so loud). - The look on Vince's face was priceless. - The deal here was that Austin offered to put the WWF belt on the line tonight...against VINCE HIS OWN DAMN SELF!!!! Vince was stunned at the concept, and refused. - Austin gave him a choice...easy or hard. Easy would be that Vince accepts the challenge. Hard would be that Vince refuses, and Austin has to take a cameraman backstage and beat him up in his office. He gave Vince 30 minutes to think about it. - by the way...Austin also boasted that he could beat Vince with one hand tied behind his back...obviously, it is an important fact to remember. - Oh yeah..Austin told Vince not to bother getting away..because his limo driver was beaten up and the car had 4 flat tires...(EVERYONE knows that Vince hates to carpool...and because of Tyson's paycheck, they had to cut back on limo expenses). - No, I DON'T like this.....it REEKS of Eric...so much so that I'm gonna scream, MY GOD!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - I'll tell you right now...if Vince joins DX and starts wearing a leather jacket with a backwards baseball cap..I am quitting this column and going to join the Jehova's Witnesses. - Both Ross and Kole were outraged by all this silliness...which brought us right to the night's first set of... - commercials - Backstage, near the bathrooms, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco were busy talking Vince into getting into the ring...in one notable quote, Brisco actually said, "You broke the rest of them, break him." (What was THAT all about?) - For some reason, Degeneration X came to the ring as Los Boricuas took on the DOA in the first ever WWF chain match...it MAY have been a good match, but the cameras were focused on DX, who wasted little time in attacking Chainz. They wasted his ass...going so far as to piledrive him twice on a chair. Then they got into the ring and attacked the rest of DOA with Savio and Jose. After wrecking and effecting them, Savio and Jose gave the DX crotch chop..which allowed Chyna to double crotch them. Basically, DX laid out everyone, then left. No rhyme, no reason....(Did I flip over to Nitro by accident?) - Backstage with Vince...Shane McMahon tried to reason with his daddy. Those weasels, Patterson and Brisco defended the idea...(Hey who wouldn't want to see their boss get slapped?) - commercials....including a spot for ANOTHER Austin t-shirt....I'll discuss that next week. - Just as Brian Christopher entered the ring for a tag match... - Vince comes to the ring to talk to the crowd. The four men wisely allow him to speak (shyeah...as if they would say, "No way man..we are COMPETITORS DAMMIT!!!) He has decided to accept the challenge (in a speech longer than really necessary..although he did break out the old cliche, "A man's got to do what a man's got to do!")....It takes everything I have NOT to kick in my TV screen in disgust. - Vince left the ring...and Good Ol' JR, who obviously had a vision of serving Bischoff coffee a month from now unless he took steps, took off backstage to try to talk some sense into his meal ticket..... - Which left Michael Kole alone to call the match....suddenly, I was missing the rich, textured cadence of Lee Marshall. - Those poor light heavyweights...as soon as Ross left, the lights dimmed....I immediately get sick over the fact that Ross is about to get slammed by Kane..... - Oh thank God...it's the Undertaker...we are spared the sight of watching Jimbo roll around the ramp in agony (both him and us). UT gets in the ring in choke slams 3 of the four LH's...(Just like the Giant did a few weeks ago on Nitro...FOR THE LOVE OF.....MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF FRIGGIN' EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - After smiting the youngsters (Brian Christopher left before the beatings....quite happy to be getting paid to do nothing tonight), UT grabbed the mic and said that he was as mad as Hell and was NOT taking it anymore..than called out Kane, claiming that "the show would go on for an eternity until Kane showed" (What show does he think he's on? NITRO???? Cheap shot..but a GOOD one). Kane didn't show up. What DID show up was some... - commercials - Kevin Kelly showed us footage of what happened during the break... - Ross and Shane were arguing with Patterson and Brisco about tonight's shenanigans. Vince got angry and told Shane to "get his bag out of the car"...I SWEAR I heard Shane say, "Dad, Mom is in the car? Why?". Then Vince told Ross to go back to the ringside and do his job...Jimbo looked like he was trying to remember if Bischoff liked sugar or cream in his Sanka. - Double J came to the ring under a downpour of confetti and the huckstering of Tennessee Lee...(Didn't the NWO used to dump propaganda confetti on the fans a while back? Good Lord, looks like it's time for YET ANOTHER, MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!!!!! THEY REALLY DO RIP OFF ABSO-FRIGGIN' LUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - JJ was taking on Taka Michinoku. Ross came back in time for Tennessee Lee's rapid fire discourse..which was awkward as Ross wanted to talk about what was happening backstage. In the end, after Lee got in Taka's way as he kept trying to do that way cool fly thingy he does, the 3 Japanese guys, now called the "Club Kamikaze" laid him out something fierce. The high point of the match was when Jarrett put the Figure Four on the laid out Michy...then, as the ref told him to let it go, he had the presence of mind to find the right camera, look right at it, and scream, "Ain't I great!!". It was a nice touch...whether he likes it or not, Jarrett works best when he is the obnoxious Country Star....(which was NEVER a far stretch from the normal Jarrett anyway). - By the way...Ross kept mentioning that Vince has gotten some bad advice before...and ALMOST got into whom. - Ross talked to Austin backstage....you can figure out what he said if you REALLY try. - commercials Chris Hyatte
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