Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 4/13/98 "Your articled sucked...what are you 10 years old?" Hilgemann djh@tznet.com: (WAY too above this kind of nonsense...and apparently WAY too above proofreading his own work) Yo Hey! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. An immature look at an immature profession. Right off the bat, I'd like to thank all the nice letters I got last week. It seems that many thought that last week's column was one of my better offerings.....personally, I thought it blew smelly chunks...go figure. Okay, I am WELL aware that this week is expected to be a major Monday night blowout of epic proportions from both feds....(anyone else see a major disappointment coming from a mile away?)....so let me toss in a few opening notes, then we can shin this dig, or dig this shin. By the way, to set the record straight, I was NOT the mystery man "assisting" George Michael in that L.A park restroom....I was in the stall next to him asking if he could roll a spare roll of toilet paper my way....apparently, he had used them all up. I had to use my sock.....icky. Scott Hall was told to leave an ECW House show by Shane Douglas, Chris Candido, and Bam Bam Bigelow....the good news is that if he was recovered enough to go to a wrestling show, then he is recovered enough to get his back to the ring...right? You wanna hear my worst nightmare? No?? Well too bad 'cause here it is!!! RAW gave Nitro a fright last week, (if anyone out there thinks Eric isn't sweating like a hooker in August you just hasn't been paying attention). Bischoff was in Japan last week. Bischoff comes back and thrills his fans by awkwardly inserting himself in almost every angle. Nitro creams RAW in this week's rating. Bischoff takes full credit for the rebound and goes on Prodigy to brag about it. Hyatte pulls out his hair in frustration and spends the next 6 days banging his head against the wall and drinking like a fish to forget about all this crap. Think it's just a nightmare? THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! IT COULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (especially the "drink like a fish"...in fact, I can pretty much GUARANTEE that....no matter what happens.) MASTER MENACE IS COMING. I dropped the ball last week and didn't report one of the COOLER aspects of Nitro last week. Nash and Sting come to the ring, Nash gives Sting and the fans the WOLFPACK sign, Sting returns the favor, then drops his hands and gives him the "Crotch Chop", (This is the THIRD time Sting did that, and it was the THIRD time the cameras deftly avoided it by staying on Sting from the chest up, so they knew that he would be doing it....so I wonder if Eric approves of Sting doing it..and I wonder what Hall and Nash think of that apparent double standard?). Also, as they locked up, a fan ran across the camera's eye with a sign that read, "IRAN NUMBER 1"....I LOVED it..and I am calling it last week's SIGN OF THE NIGHT....for nostalgic purposes....of course (don't even THINK about questioning MY love for this country..as my closer this week will prove). That'll do it for the openers....let's get right back in the crapola. It's time bruddas and sizztas....what happens when you put a live RAW in front of a rabid crowd in Philly, (quite possibly, home of the most PUMPED wrestling crowd in the country) in a time when RAW is threatening to finally win a Monday night in the ratings up against a Nitro run by a panicky Eric Bischoff whose prediction that the "WWF will fall within six months" is beginning to crumble at his feet" (anyone remember THAT prediction?? From Christmas I think?). Well, you get what could possibly be the most EXCITING night in Monday night wrestling HISTORY!!!!! Let's get going kids, there is a LOT to cover.. Because of the way SCOOPS re-arranged the Mop-Up, it is no longer necessary to start EVERY column with Nitro...so we are back to the starting off each column with a different show format..which means that this week starts off with: RAW IS WAR: (or Introducing.....UNCLE VINNY!!!!!) - opens with a video thingy concerning Austin and Vince's recent squabbles. - opening theme - Fans and fireworks...so loud that Vietnam vets all over the country are diving to the ground screaming, "INCOMING"!!! - The cameras take a long look at a sign that reads, "GOLDBERG FEARS AUSTIN"....umm, call me crazy, but I don't think that boy fears anybody...other than the dreaded SPINEROONI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - How do you get folks checking things out NOT to switch back to the EXCITING Glacier/Benoit match? (What drugs are you ON Eric?)...easy, you bring out.. - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...that's who. Austin grabs the mic and demands that Vince McMahon gets his hairy ass out there...under the threat of staying in the ring all night and holding up the show. He also promised not to hit him. - Austin got the fans going by asking for a cold beer. (Impossible task...since ALL beer at arenas end up warmer than pee within 30 seconds of leaving the keg). - Eventually, Vince warily stuck his head out of the curtain...since Hogan can be at two places at once...maybe BRET HART could too? Vince ain't taking no chances (ANOTHER double negative., I know...but it helps me relate to the kids). Seeing that Bret was not around, Vince made his way down the aisle flanked by Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and two actors pretending to be cops. - In the ring, Austin asked Vince just who his opponent will be at "Unforgiven"...Vince hemmed. - Austin asked again...Vince hawed. - Then Austin started in on how much he hates Austin, and how Vince's idea for a world champ is someone who is well educated, groomed, mannered, and heeled....(Which leaves just one guy...and it isn't Bret Hart, who is Canadian after all. GOD BLESS BOB BACKLUND!!!! THE WWF HAS BEEN SINKING EVER SINCE HE LOST THE BELT FOR THE FIRST TIME). - In short, Austin concluded that Vince's idea of the perfect champion was......VINCE HIMSELF!!!!! - In a HILARIOUS BIT....Austin said that before he gave him the new WWF belt, he could picture Vince walking around at his house with his little pajamas on and he looked at his wife and asked, "Honey, how do I look as World's champion?" and that she probably said, "Honey, you look like a jackass." (BINGO! Line of the night...I damn near CHOKED to death on the burrito I was eating....I had to give myself the Heimlich, I was laughing so loud). - The look on Vince's face was priceless. - The deal here was that Austin offered to put the WWF belt on the line tonight...against VINCE HIS OWN DAMN SELF!!!! Vince was stunned at the concept, and refused. - Austin gave him a choice...easy or hard. Easy would be that Vince accepts the challenge. Hard would be that Vince refuses, and Austin has to take a cameraman backstage and beat him up in his office. He gave Vince 30 minutes to think about it. - by the way...Austin also boasted that he could beat Vince with one hand tied behind his back...obviously, it is an important fact to remember. - Oh yeah..Austin told Vince not to bother getting away..because his limo driver was beaten up and the car had 4 flat tires...(EVERYONE knows that Vince hates to carpool...and because of Tyson's paycheck, they had to cut back on limo expenses). - No, I DON'T like this.....it REEKS of Eric...so much so that I'm gonna scream, MY GOD!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - I'll tell you right now...if Vince joins DX and starts wearing a leather jacket with a backwards baseball cap..I am quitting this column and going to join the Jehova's Witnesses. - Both Ross and Kole were outraged by all this silliness...which brought us right to the night's first set of... - commercials - Backstage, near the bathrooms, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco were busy talking Vince into getting into the ring...in one notable quote, Brisco actually said, "You broke the rest of them, break him." (What was THAT all about?) - For some reason, Degeneration X came to the ring as Los Boricuas took on the DOA in the first ever WWF chain match...it MAY have been a good match, but the cameras were focused on DX, who wasted little time in attacking Chainz. They wasted his ass...going so far as to piledrive him twice on a chair. Then they got into the ring and attacked the rest of DOA with Savio and Jose. After wrecking and effecting them, Savio and Jose gave the DX crotch chop..which allowed Chyna to double crotch them. Basically, DX laid out everyone, then left. No rhyme, no reason....(Did I flip over to Nitro by accident?) - Backstage with Vince...Shane McMahon tried to reason with his daddy. Those weasels, Patterson and Brisco defended the idea...(Hey who wouldn't want to see their boss get slapped?) - commercials....including a spot for ANOTHER Austin t-shirt....I'll discuss that next week. - Just as Brian Christopher entered the ring for a tag match... - Vince comes to the ring to talk to the crowd. The four men wisely allow him to speak (shyeah...as if they would say, "No way man..we are COMPETITORS DAMNIT!!!) He has decided to accept the challenge (in a speech longer than really necessary..although he did break out the old cliche, "A man's got to do what a man's got to do!")....It takes everything I have NOT to kick in my TV screen in disgust. - Vince left the ring...and Good Ol' JR, who obviously had a vision of serving Bischoff coffee a month from now unless he took steps, took off backstage to try to talk some sense into his meal ticket..... - Which left Michael Kole alone to call the match....suddenly, I was missing the rich, textured cadence of Lee Marshall. - Those poor light heavyweights...as soon as Ross left, the lights dimmed....I immediately get sick over the fact that Ross is about to get slammed by Kane..... - Oh thank God...it's the Undertaker...we are spared the sight of watching Jimbo roll around the ramp in agony (both him and us). UT gets in the ring in choke slams 3 of the four LH's...(Just like the Giant did a few weeks ago on Nitro...FOR THE LOVE OF.....MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF FRIGGIN' EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - After smiting the youngsters (Brian Christopher left before the beatings....quite happy to be getting paid to do nothing tonight), UT grabbed the mic and said that he was as mad as Hell and was NOT taking it anymore..than called out Kane, claiming that "the show would go on for an eternity until Kane showed" (What show does he think he's on? NITRO???? Cheap shot..but a GOOD one). Kane didn't show up. What DID show up was some... - commercials - Kevin Kelly showed us footage of what happened during the break... - Ross and Shane were arguing with Patterson and Brisco about tonight's shenanigans. Vince got angry and told Shane to "get his bag out of the car"...I SWEAR I heard Shane say, "Dad, Mom is in the car? Why?". Then Vince told Ross to go back to the ringside and do his job...Jimbo looked like he was trying to remember if Bischoff liked sugar or cream in his Sanka. - Double J came to the ring under a downpour of confetti and the huckstering of Tennessee Lee...(Didn't the NWO used to dump propaganda confetti on the fans a while back? Good Lord, looks like it's time for YET ANOTHER, MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!!!!! THEY REALLY DO RIP OFF ABSO-FRIGGIN' LUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - JJ was taking on Taka Michinoku. Ross came back in time for Tennessee Lee's rapid fire discourse..which was awkward as Ross wanted to talk about what was happening backstage. In the end, after Lee got in Taka's way as he kept trying to do that way cool fly thingy he does, the 3 Japanese guys, now called the "Club Kamikaze" laid him out something fierce. The high point of the match was when Jarrett put the Figure Four on the laid out Michy...then, as the ref told him to let it go, he had the presence of mind to find the right camera, look right at it, and scream, "Ain't I great!!". It was a nice touch...whether he likes it or not, Jarrett works best when he is the obnoxious Country Star....(which was NEVER a far stretch from the normal Jarrett anyway). - By the way...Ross kept mentioning that Vince has gotten some bad advice before...and ALMOST got into whom. - Ross talked to Austin backstage....you can figure out what he said if you REALLY try. - commercials
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