Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 4/13/98...The endless struggle continues endlessly SCREW YOU..IT'S PART TWO!! - Some rap music played...Ross acted like he had no clue what was coming... - Rap music?? TYSON'S BACK, TYSON'S BACK, TYSON'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Oh...oh...it's not Tyson..it's Faarooq...doing a damn good imitation of DDP with blue jeans and bandaged ribs.... (MY GOD!!!! THEY RI........oh forget it) - It was Faarooq who came out, under a decent response. Faarooq is one of the BEST mic workers in the biz...but he disappointed me by making this short and sweet....he wanted Rocky to get his butt out there right now. - So out came Rocky Maivia..and the rest of the NOD. Rock had a mic and proceeded to speak about himself in the third person (which would be irritating if he wasn't SO GOOD a speaker..."Faarooq, you better smell what the Rock is cooking" is an all time classic). - I'll nutshell this because I can....Faarooq ended up suckering the NOD by having Shamrock and Blackman sneak up from behind and attack...the brohaha went on as all brohahas do...until the refs broke it up. - commercials - For those fans of Chainsaw Charlie...I got bad news for ya...he is dead. - The good news is that TERRY FUNK IS BACK IN FORCE!!!! All decked out in his ECW Champ clothes. In the ring, he grabs the mic and announces that since Cactus Jack "waddled" out of there last week, seemingly gone for good..he has chosen a brand new "HARDCORE" partner. He then said that he is going to put some FUNK in everyone's faces, (OH GOD NO..NOT DORY FUNK JR...HE'S 90 YEARS OLD!!!). Then he said that his new hardcore partner never had a chance because Vince never gave him a chance...(IT'S ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER!!!!!! OHYESOHYESOHYESOHYES) THE CRAP'S GONNA HIT THE FAN NOW KIDDOS!!!!!!! - So Terry screams, "Bring out the Funk" and out came..... - Geeze...Abdullah lost weight!! - OH..oh, it was Flash Funk......hooray...he was back in his 2 Cold Scorpio pants..THAT'S good news. - Ross made it loud and clear that Flash Funk with his Pimp Ass self was all gone..and 2 Cold Scorpio was back and ready to rock. - Did I mention that they were fighting the Quebecers? Well they did. - Did I mention that they BEAT the Quebecers rather easily? Well they did. - Did I mention that Jacques was heard screaming, "I beat HULK HOGAN!!"? Well he DIDN'T. - Did I mention that Lawler joined the fun a bit earlier than usual? Well he did. - Did I mention that as Scorpio came out, I saw a sign that had the name "MOP-UP" on it? WELL IT FRIGGIN DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - YEEEEEESSSSS!!!! Thank you..whoever you are!!!!!! - It had some other stuff other than MOP-UP(!!!!!!!!!!!!),,,but I couldn't make it out..so if the person responsible would be so kind as to inform me.... - Whether he is Flash Funk or 2 Cold Scorpio...the question still remains...WHAT'S THE DEALIE-YO WITH HIS HAIR???????????????????? - Raw is War ends....but they keep going as... - Luna comes out...Lawler dabbles DANGEROUSLY close to "Heenanland" when he says, "Don't touch that dial!" - Luna calls out Sable, claiming to be too jacked to wait for "Unforgiven"...making some uncomfortable references to "PMS" and her "flow"...don't ask. - The ZONE WAR (or the other way around) credits begin. - Luna is still waiting....but not for long...because out comes... - Goldust...dressed as Sable...he had a mic and said, "Luna, you little BITCH! I'm fixin' to kick your ass!" Then he/she hit the ring. Ross said, "Good Lord, that dress couldn't fit Aunt Bee, God rest her soul". - What followed was a hilarious bit as Goldust allowed Luna to strip off his dress, all the while saying, "Stop that..stop that..here, let me help you." After Luna got his/her clothes off, Goldy said "You got me naked! That's it, I'm gonna take these pumps off and whip some butt." - Of course, the real Sable charged and attacked..stallwart WWF officials broke it up, but not before Sable almost tore a huge chunk of hair out of Luna's head. It was some funny stuff here...and a good set up for the match. - By the way, Ross said, "Somebodies gonna be stripped to their bra and panyties at Greensboro! I'm sorry Mama, I had to say that!" (see what I mean..."mama"..I told you last week.) - commercials - Shot of Austin getting dressed for the match. - Never in a million years would I EVER believe that I would be forced to say this...but it's true. Lawler started to hype the Austin/Vince match...he got SO into it that he crossed the line and said that tonight......... - ....are you ready? - .....he said that tonight, was beyond a doubt, the BEST RAW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - I will be weeping tonight. - Shamrock and Blackman came out to face the new Midnight Express...Dan Severn was there..he and Shamrock had a staredown...Ross PROMISED us that these two guys do NOT like each other. The ref told Severn to leave...the match went down. Ross was visibly disgusted with the notion of calling the Midnight Express "Bombastic" and "Bodacious". The ref found a reason to end the match without either team losing. That's all you need to know. - By the way...even though I saw the sign earlier..I kept forgetting to mention it...the sign that read, "Who is Goldberg blowing" would have been sign of the night...but that Mop-Up sign takes it...hands down. - During the match, Ross and Lawler got into the Austin/Vince match..of course, when Lawler mentioned the fact that a 52 year old man could end up champion...Ross wasted no time in maming a WCW reference....and not the last one of the night either. - backstage with Vince and the boys....Vince looked like he was SWIMMING in his sweatshirt....Patterson looked so happy....almost as if he had George Michael waiting for him in the bathroom next to them. - commercials - Vince talk to Kevin Kelly..in a really cool speech, Vince said that he already proved that he wasn't afraid of the United States Government, he wasn't afraid of Ted Turner and Time Warner (which got a HUGE response from the crowd), he wasn't afraid of the big bad wolf (I guess he means Bischoff..with those sharp pearly whites...although I would NEVER equate Uncle Eric with a wolf in ANY scenario), and he sure as Hell was not afraid of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. - The Headbangers were in the ring...then the lights dimmed. - the Undertaker came out again and wasted the 'bangers. - Kane and Bearer came out. Bearer told UT that Kane would fight them next week on RAW at the Cemetary where their parents were buried...this is too stupid for words. - shot of Austin walking..all ready to rock. - commercials - another promo for Val Venis....THIS one had a couple of babes with him...but I didn't recognize them, so I don't know if they are from the porn world. One thing though...this Venis guy is stealing all of HHH's material!!! Trip H must be PISSED!!! - DX came to the ring. The New Age Outlaws STILL don't belong. - Owen Hart comes to the entranceway with mic in hand and asked which one of these "degenerates" has the "kahunas" (which SHOULD be "cojones"...but Owen's Canadian...and he's still wondering why he isn't jobbing to Mongo in WCW with the rest of his family) to jam with him. - Trip H took the mic and said that he had all the DX guys write a 500 word essay on who would get to beat him up. He made a remark about his genitalia...but Val Venis is quickly outdating HHH's stuff.....Bad Ass ended up winning and the match was on....(apparently, Bad Ass included a picture of Owen "George Michaeling" with a barnyard animal). - Of course, this would have been a disaster for poor Owen...were it not for.. - The LOD 2000, who came down with Sunny to watch his back. - Then they cut backstage to see Vince pumping up. The man has a big arm...but I smell something screwy here. - commercials - Trip H and XPac joined the announcers as the match was going down...XPac stole a line from the NWO and said, "SWEEEEEEET"....You know, it's funny...Trip H has GREAT mic skills...and a decent enough wrestler...but his problem was that he really doesn't have any actual CHARISMA. The good news is that Chyna..(HIS WIFE!!!! DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!)...who has charisma to spare. - XPac and HHH had some fun with the mic, and made too many funny comments to mention here. But the highlight was by HHH, who made a crack about Sunny holding the LOD's helmets....."which was what she did best". - During the match, there was a set of... - commercials - back to the fun, Ross announced that there would be NO MORE commercials for the rest of the night. Lawler invited HHH to knock Ross's hat off..which he did. Ross told them to be more creative. In the end, Owen ended up rolling up Bad Ass and getting the pin...even more surprising was that LOD and Owen took off without any DX attacking. HHH seemed to be yelling at Bad Ass for losing. - Outside, Hawk gave DX the Crotch Chop..Owen was talking to the ref about something that seemed to upset him...maybe the match wasn't supposed to end like that? - Vince and company are seen walking to the entrance way...Vince has bigger boobs than Chyna... - The announcer introduces him. Lawler encourages us to turn on our VCRs....Vince is said to weigh 241 pounds (???????) - Vince WAAAAAY overdoes his walk to the ring....he looks like he's doing an impression of an airplane. - Even so...I'd lay money on Vince against Eric 6 days a week and twice on Sundays. - Shane McMahon comes out to try one last time to talk him out of it..he fails. - Ross finally blurts out his true feelings...."He can't do this!! I just bought a house!! I have a mortgage to pay off!!!" Ross was picturing himself crawling into CNN Center on his hands and knees to speak to His Lordship Bischoff. - Austin hits the ring. There is some stalling... - Vince slaps Austin across the face....more stalling - and then more as Vince holds Austin to his promise that he would fight with one arm tied behind his back... - more stalling as Vince insists that Austin "Stunner" hand be tied.. - it's tied...Ausatin asks the fans to give him a "HELL YEAH" if they think he could take Vince with only one arm. The crowd agreed that he could. - Vince called Austin a HOTSHOT..twice. - Vince asked the crowd to give HIM a "HELL YEAH" if they thought Vince could beat Austin...the crowd screamed "HELL NO" Vince sold the outrage nicely. - Vince had a mouthpiece inserted in his mouth...it was about to go down... - All of the sudden...Dude F'K'N Love came out and ruined the whole thing....the GODDAM SCREWJOB WAS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Dude Love said that there had to be peace in this thing....Vince looked just as upset as Austin by his involvement. - In fact, Vince was so upset that he shoved Dude Love down to the ground.... - Dude got up and tried to get the Mandible Claw on Vince... - Austin interfered...Love put the Claw on him instead... - Vince's boys took Vince away as Dude and Austin went at it inside the ring, outside the ring, and all around....Vince tried a few times to get into the ring...but he was held back.. - Dude and Austin jammed right into the cameraman...knocking him down. The show ended with Ross going horse as they fought on the announcers laps...which would have ROCKED as an ending..were it not for.. The ENDLESS MUTHALOVIN' HYPE for a match that NEVER EVEN CAME CLOSE!!! This was TOTALLY "Schiavone style" broadcasting at it's SUCKIEST!!!!! By far, this was the single WORST WWF screwjob EVER!!!!! But alas...if you take away the screwjob, then it pretty much kicked butt. Nonstop action, whether from the wrestling, or from the angle development...anb Vince looks a HELL of a lot more ring worthy than Eric....but still, we have now met Uncle Vinny.....say a prayer. Neither Abdullah nor the Pit Bulls were there...but no one on the 'net really PROMISED those guys...they just said it was a good chance...(One day I'll tell ya' about Abdullah....for you youngin's who don't know the guy...he was ECW before Paul Heyman lost a single strand of hair). We still got Nitro to do...so let's do the 'ho... Chris Hyatte
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