Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I see the light..Oh thank GOD...4/15/99
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Why yes! It is.
-Out came Goldberg. Tony made a big fuss about DARING anyone who claims that they can beat Goldberg to come on over to WCW and try. How about this...if Goldberg is SO confident that he can beat ANYONE (cough...Austin...COUGH)...and since HE'S the one who is screaming to anyone who will listen about how he is the best..then how about Bischoff gives HIM the right to go on to the WWF and work one match against Austin? Hey, if they are so confident that Austin is Goldberg's bitch, then there is no reason why Goldberg can't go up North and beat Stevo on his own TURF!!! How about THAT?
-Anywhoo...Goldberg came out..and once he got past the smoke..he saw something on the side of the aisle. He lumbered over to a girl in her 20's cradling something gently in her arms. He peered in and noticed that she was holding a SPOTTED OWL INDIGENOUS TO THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST AND CURRENTLY ON THE ENDAGERED SPECIES LIST! Being the animal lover that WCW Marketing would have us all believe, the big Monkey asked the girl what was wrong with her feathered friend. The girl told him that the Owl was suffering from a broken wing and will die of blood poisoning if it isn't treated within the next 60 seconds. Goldberg's eyes widened and he RIPPED the bird out of the girls hands. He held it in his beefy hands and started to shake....a warm glow emitted from his hands....facial ticks erupted by the millions....his mouth gaped open as if he was laughing at all logic and the laws of science....with a sudden JOLT, he THREW the Owl up in the air and it took flight..it's wing FULLY HEALED....it's life MIRACULOUSLY SAVED!!!!!!!!!!
-The girl screamed, "IT'S A MIRACLE STRAIGHT FROM HEAVEN!!!!!! IT'S A MIRACLE STRAIGHT FROM GOD!!!!!!! IT'S A MIRACLE STRAIHGHT FROM THIS ONE NOTE JEW!!!!!! OH THANK YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!! PRAISE YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!!! I LOVE YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!!!!! The girl threw her arms around Goldberg and hugged tightly...Goldberg smiled. Another life saved..another job, well done.
-Then the Owl circled around and airbombed a hunk of shit on Goldberg's bald head. Goldberg stared up..snarled..and spit a fireball at the damn thing. The Owl's head blew off and it thumped onto the ground in a fiery mess. Later, I heard it was the main course at a Post Nitro Tailgate party. Stupid bird.
-If you can't figure out who won this match, then you aren't reading this because you simply are too stupid to figure out these computer whodinkys
-You know, screw Austin...The Rock could beat Goldberg.
-The good news for WCW is that those "Goldberg" chants were pretty much real...this week at least.
-The good or bad news is that Tony finally lost it and called him "GODBERG"....I am not kidding...this is no joke..he called him GODBERG. I want his daughter...I want her teeth. I want her toenails....I WANT HER TO PAY FOR HER FATHER BEING SUCH A GODDAM PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
-I'm amazed that they made him stop calling Goldberg "Our Hero".
-It's not so much that I can't stand him...it's just that I cannot find anything ENJOYABLE about his matches because those dickfaced announcers keep stroking his ego like they do during them.
-commercials
-Rikki Rachtman is back......as is DJ Ran. I'm blowing through this because Rachtman is so universally hated. DJ Ran has this fake laugh that says, "I don't know, I don't care...where my money at?"
-commercials
-Ric Flair came out with Arn Anderson.
-Sting came out with God by his side...no, not Goldberg..the other God.
-They got it on.
-back and forth, up and down, to and fro, yin and yang, apples and oranges, tit and tat, fric and frac.
-I'll say this much...this thing went old school.....no new moves here. Flair was Flair, Sting was more Stingish tonight than he has been in 2 years.
-Why can't Flair get it in his head that those chops only work when he is a FACE? They NEVER work when he's a heel.
-Arn got involved a little too. Later on, Sting knocked him down.
-Sting put him in the Figure Four, they made a big fuss over the Ref not wanting to ring the bell on his boy. Flair made it to the ropes on his own accord.
-Later, Flair put Sting in the Figure Four....Arn held Flair's hands...Savage ran out and clocked Arn.
-Which pretty much allowed Sting to snap on the Scorpion Deathdrop and score the clean pin. Then he gave Arn a little Sharpshooting action. Hmm...Sting is back and Flair is doing the job to him....it's the early to mid 90's ALL OVER AGAIN
-It was also a Hell of a match...I enjoyed it from beginning to end.
-commercials
-Michael Buffer can go now.....he wore out his welcome. Before, he was used occasionally, to signify a great "special" event was about to take place....now he's used every week.
-Piper's music came on and Piper came out during Buffer's speech. Piper took his place at the announcing table and showed how hip he was by saying that he hasn't seen a crowd this excited since the Cabbage Patch Kids went on sale for Christmas. That was pretty much the extent of Piper's presence...he added nothing and just continued to prove what a shadow of his former self he had become.
-Let me put it to you this way....when talking about one of the Nitro Girls...he said that her chest looked like "two midgets wearing dunce caps"....BA DUM DUM
-Scott Steiner came out.
-DDP came out with Kimberly....who looked pretty good dammit
-THEY got it on.....Piper commented that the way Page BLATANTLY tried to kill Hogan's career was just plain WRONG.....apparently, forgetting about the time he drove the end of a steel chair into Jimmy Snuka's neck.....twice.
-Page took early control in a VERY fast paced opening sequence. It lasted straight on until the night's final set of...
-commercials
-Back in the ring, Steiner took over and muscled Page around a little.
-Then Steiner used a pair of cutters he pulled out of his US title belt and cut off the corner pad.
-He drove Page's head into it, then his back.
-He went for the Steiner Recliner, but the ref was already knocked out due to some earlier shenanigans.
-Oh Hell...I'm beat. Kimberly ended up knocking the juicehead out and Page won it. None of the announcers seemed to know how to react to this. I was just glad it was over.
I'll say this...they are damn sure improving. This was one of the most satisfying Nitros I ever had to sit through. The only MAJOR negative I have is that Tony FU**ING Schiavone is A: Trying TOO hard to be cool now...and B: Is basically blowing Goldberg right in front of the world. Has there EVER been a wrestler ALIVE who has had SO much smoke blown up his OVERRATED ass than this guy? I've said it before, I'll say it again...He has NO character other than being pissed.....he has TWO big moves, three or four little ones, and weak roundhouse kicks.....he REFUSES to sell ANYTHING his opponents give him...and 9 out of 10 times that GOLDBERG chant fails to get the crowd chanting with it. Sure, you can argue (and quite persuasively) that Austin uses less moves than Goldberg...but at least with an Austin match, there is a decent chance that he may do the job!! Goldberg does NOT lose...Bischoff feels that it would ruin his MAGIC. You will NEVER see Goldberg get manhandled by his opponent like Austin did by the Rock tonight. The guy sucks....there, I said it.
Still, this may have been the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good stuff! RAW had it's moments....but it seemed to drag a bit in too many places. Nitro wins. Now go read the closer, I've just about had enough of you people.
As with 90% of all my closers...this is off the top of my head as I write it. The only thing I knew I wanted to do was do a closer that had nothing to do with wrestling...just to piss off the people who think nothing but WRESTLING should appear in a WRESTLING COLUMN...of course...I always thought of the Mop-Up as a little bit MORE than just a "wrestling column"...I think of the Mop-Up as...as...a..handbook to LIFE...an....an..an Instruction Manual for the Soul......a Bible for the Moronic....with every week being a new psalm.....
In other words.....there's more to life than WRESTLING...ya' lamo marks....and nobody is making you read this anyway.
Let's get on with this...writing as I go, with nothing prepared..time for another installment of...
MOP-UP RHETORICS!!!!!
(note: the following questions have no real, definitive answers....but I gave them my best shot anyway....)
1) Can God create a Mountain that he cannot lift? (The answer is of course he CAN'T...he's God...he can bench ANYTHING)
2) Is God a "he", "she" or "it".....(the answer is all of the above. God is also black, white, Chinese, Polish, German, Islamic, Muslim, Indian, Japanese, and Jewish. He just isn't Canadian....because Canadians suck)
3) Is there a recapper out there funnier, more literate, smarter, wittier, and all around better than myself, Zimmerman, Petrie, Scrap Dog (who?), and every other "famous" Internet scribe out there? Only nobody knows about him because he is on Geocities, Angelfire, or another low budget service and has, maybe 25 readers a month? (The answer is...OF COURSE NOT....I'm pretty much the cream of the crop. Even if there was (Hiya Joe!)..I ain't plugging him...I don't need the hassle of dealing with yet ANOTHER competitor.....I already have CRZ in line and Petrie ain't sheeit. There was one guy...name of Jim....who was good..but he retired....so I'm all alone now.)
shhh...if you listen carefully, you can hear about 30 people angrily typing a hate letter at me right now.....the title of the letter will read, "YOU ARROGANT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!"
4) If you run a web page...and you do a special "April Fool's Edition"...but you practically SCREAM that it's the APRIL FIRST EDITION and you make you these unfunny, uninspired, weak ass stories that nobody in their right minds would take as truth...can you REALLY call it an "April Fool's Edition"? Even if it wasn't funny enough to fool anyone? (the answer is...nope)
5) Can Bob Ryder really be considered objective anymore? (I withhold my answer...I am really, and seriously curious as to what you folks think.....try not to make it a "Let's Flame Bob" answer and be honest....for once)
6) Can you still be considered "with it" if you thought Kevin Smith's "Daredevil" sucked and refused to buy them? (I hated his run......I hated "Mallrats"...I hated "Chasing Amy" because of the way he bailed out on a decent denouement....."Clerks" ruled tho'...I'll give him that.)
7) Can you really be called a lesbian if your girlfriend looks like Roy Orbison? (The answer is......umm..I don't know)
8) Can I make a case that every single recapper out there is ripping me off in one way or another? (The answer is..THEY ALL ARE DAMMIT!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE OTHER RECAPPERS RIGHT HERE ON SCOOPS!!!! I DO think I influenced a good 99% of them in one way or another....yes, that means CRZ too...he never USE to put letters at the top of his columns...nor did he ever USE to put a little "tag on teaser" under his columns on the WM main page. Besides...who ended their columns with "closers" before I came along?)
9) Do African Americans have more.....down there.....than white guys? (The answer is...I most definitely do NOT know....I always kept my eyes shut during those times Z-Smooth used to....to.....umm..can we drop this subject please?)
10) Is there ANY way I can make a tasteless joke that involves the words "Goldberg" and "Hitler" without getting in a whole lot of trouble? (The answer is NO!!! It's best to steer clear from this subject matter)
11) Does Bigfoot exist? (NO, NO, and NO!!!! There are satellites up there that can see the color of your eyes right this very moment....if there was a bigfoot running around the Pacific Northwest, CNN would have put up the pictures by now. Kids, there is no such thing.
12) How about UFOs? (The answer is.....maybe...but I DO think there is life outside this planet....if you think that we are ALL ALONE out there in the WHOLE UNIVERSE....then you are stupid. Just plain stupid.)
13) Will the Y2K virus throw the world into a pre-apocalyptic tailspin? (The answer is...yup....actually, Y2K doesn't scare me as much as these Millennium Cults out there and those terrorists who are planning something HUGE for this upcoming January 1....we are in for some DEEP trouble, people.
14) Will I ever run out of material for these Mop-Ups? (The answer is..of course!! I ran out of material months ago...haven't you noticed?)
15) Are we really here? Or are we merely an autistic child's never ending dream? (The answer is.....no. I am really here, of course, but you are just figments of my incredible imagination.)
16) Do I have any writing skills beyond a fifth grade level? (The answer is...yes. I write the way I write because I try to speak conversationally to you, not to go all proper with correct grammar and syntax. You and I are simply having a one sided conversation. I hink it part of what makes me so damn likeable. Some people seem to have a problem with that...those same people really should be anally invaded with a rusty tablespoon)
17) Is pro-wrestling a "soap opera for men"...or a homo erotic fantasy come to life? (The answer is....the homo erotic fantasy. You are ALL fags. I'm not, because I understand it for what it is, thus, I "get it"...so I ain't no fag)
18) How many writers out there use the name "Sushi X"? (The answer is 2...I would say more but Sushi X himself wrote to me and confronted me on why goof on him...he is the first guy to grow some balls and do that. I respect him for it.)
18) Can these questions REALLY be called "rhetoric"....(the answer is..probably not, but it's a catchy title)
That's it..I am all out of juice. So ends another waste of all our time. Next week, I'll waste some MORE!!! Sounds like a plan.
By the way..in case you didn't notice...this is like the THIRD week in a row that I've handed these columns in on a WEDNESDAY!!! Okay, it's probably not posted until around lunchtime....but at least it's on a WEDNESDAY!!!!!!
Or maybe this has been posted on a Thursday. I just received word that Al had some family business to take care of on Wednesday, so things may have been delayed here. If that's the case, then so be it..because F-me...F-this column..F- Spiffy, F-Rich in KC, F-Kirell, F-Inked, F-Mike Michaelson, F-All of us....family takes precedence over this stupid business.
Never mind that...how about the fact that I've produced a NEW column for like...4 WEEKS IN A ROW NOW???? The kid is on FIRE!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh...lick my German helmet.....all I do is work, work, work for you and what do I get? Bitching, whining, and moaning.....why can't you be like my new BEST READER ALIVE Lauren and send me cool stuff?
And why is it that even though I have something like 300 people on ICQ who put me on their "buddy list"...that it's always the same 6 guys who write to me?
Why?
Because you all suck.
HAAA....you walked right into that one didn't ya? BOOYA
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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