Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I have nothing to add here...4/15/99
Mop-Up RAW
4 different people...one unified outlook!
"I try to catch up on wrestling by reading your columns, but you suck. You suck bad. Both of the programs in wrestling suck right now, but your columns are longer, shittier, and more boring than both of the shows combined. Thanks for trying, but they need a new writer."
CISCO77777@aol.com: Mop-Up reader 4 LIFE.
"You have got to have absolutely no life and your mom must have molested you as a child. You don't know anything about wrestling which is why you obviously are stuck playing around on the Internet while professional wrestlers are making millions. But then again, their are tons of idiots in the world like you, loser. Have fun playing with yourself tonight or having your mom do it for you."
Cool Love cooollove@hotmail.com: Mop-Up reader who is neither "cool" nor does he have any "love"
"You want to stop getting hate mail. I have a great idea for you. Learn how to write. Howdo you write these columns drunk. I have been reading scoopc for some time and enjoy it. I had been hearing about some idiot named hyatte. I was wondering why every one found his writing annoying. Now I know. Your mopups were not worht my time. Your humor isn't funny but vuglar. All I have to say is Hyatte fears Freakboy."
The Velvet Lady mildew_quimby@hotmail.com: Gifted writer in her own right, Mop-Up reader, and my future bride....but who is this "Freakboy"?
"I can see why Scoops took you off the news section. Your article is painful. The jokes are brutal. Just recap the matches, save the commentary for your friends. Thanks for your efforts but how about focusing on the basics?" Rich O'Connor rich_oconnor@hotmail.com
Who said I had friends? When was I on the news section? And what is this "focus on the basics" crap? Once again, I'm Chris and this is what it is...painful jokes, brutal articles......or the other way around...it doesn't matter...it's the MOP-UP...and all is right with the world once more. Let's get things rolling with some patented, often pointless opening notes to help us ease into things.
I DID see "Go"......it WAS a cool movie. It was structured almost exactly like "Pulp Fiction", kind of a "4 sides to one story" type of thing. You should check it out....it's a real trip, and more unique than 99.9% of all the other movies out there right now. Hell, all you're doing is waiting until the new Star Wars flick comes out....so see "Go" while your waiting....it's a gas.
And of course, I have to discuss the Katie Holmes love scene......well, it was quick...but that didn't stop some of the more the hornier geeks from pulling on themselves a little before it was over. There was also a scene where two guys kissed......I heard one young voice yell, "GROSS!!!!".....for the first time in a while...I felt good about the future.
Oh okay...I'll admit it...I popped one during the Holmes love scene......even though she still looks 12.....pedofilia rules.
Oh okay....I'll admit it.....I popped one during the two guys kissing too....at least I'm comfortable enough with my masculinity to admit it....F-you all.
Just see the movie, it IS pretty good.
Speaking of cool movies, there is this flick playing on cable now, it's called "The Replacement Killers"...starring Chow Yun Fat and Mira Sorvino. While the movie isn't all that great, there is this one scene...where Yun Fat has a dozen guns pegged on him, and he has this one hand gun...and he's staring all the other guns down while slowly panning the entire crowd with his gun, held sideways. That may be the COOLEST scene in a movie that I EVER saw....I always wanted to comment on that, but never had the right moment. After last week, where I got a few complaints about ranting on about other topics OTHER than pro wrestling (Oh Heaven FORBID I should discuss ANYTHING beyond this ridiculous "sport"), I just wanted to piss these goofballs off some more....because apparently, the concept of clicking on that icon over ------> there and scrolling past these opening notes never occurred to them.
That EW piece on wrestling.....pretty short. I did like the "Point/Counterpoint" companion article where two fans of both feds discussed why their feds ruled. The BEST part of the column was the quote from Mankind about how he would like to "slap some sense into Pontius Pilate".....great stuff.
And isn't it refreshing to read an article where one company isn't bashing the other?
Finally......I have some GREAT readers (I feel douchy calling you "fans")...but right now, there is ONE reader out there..who is my absolute FAVORITE reader of you ALL. Her name is LAUREN and she sent me a COMPLETE cassette tape of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's appearance on the Howard Stern radio show. I got the WHOLE thing..beginning to end. She asked for nothing in return...and did it out of the goodness of her own heart....Lauren...you are now officially the GREATEST MOP-UP READER OF THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you and God Bless you.....sweet tits.
That's plenty of opening notes for you to ponder, discuss, and debate over. It is now time to proceed to part 2 of the....err...proceedings. It's time for the well crafted, well oiled, well honed machine that is 5 miles away from the 100'000 mile mark to ride on out on that Information Superhighway once again and pollute the web with exhaust fumes belching out bad jokes, blasphemous religious humor, juvenile gay jokes, and disgusting poop jokes that usually get edited out anyway....say goodbye to good taste and say hello to....
RAW IS WAR (or: Hey! You can't do that to an Ultimate Fighter!!!!)
-opens with NO warning about how the "adult" themes and strong sexual content may not be suitable for those teenyboppers out there...in other words..go smoke that bowl parents, your kids are safe in Vince's hands!!!
-footage from all the action of last week...how Vince is about to get butt humped from three different angles at the same time/
-Live shot of Vince backstage with Stephanie. They are surrounded by cops. Vince assures Stephy that no harm will come to her tonight. Stephanie is as pretty as a button...nice and shiny. I'd like to come across her one day.
-opening theme.
-It's the same old stuff....fireworks, signs, screaming fans. Then Michael Cole pipes in and shrieks about how this is the way wrestling OUGHT to be....
-Jeeze....Cole sounds AWFUL. Is he battling a major cold or something?
-Waaait a second? That ain't Michael Cole!?!?
-JIM ROSS IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD OL' JR IS BACK IN THE SADDLE AND RIDING HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!
-Errrr...somebody should tell Ross about that half a Twinkie stuck to his bad cheek....maybe he's just saving it for later.
-Suddenly, any chance Schiavone may have had of becoming the TOP announcer for Monday night went STRAIGHT down the shitter.
-Getting the ball rolling is the entrance of the Corporation, led by Shane "I have the cutest smile in wrestling...period" McMahon. Also out was Ken "When's my contract up again" Shamrock, The Big "I kinda...sorta miss WCW" Bossman, Te"The Hell am I doing here?"st, Rocky "Hey Prince Iaukea...my pillow is stuffed with $20 bills" Maivia, HH "I will never get any mic time now...DAMN" H, Chy"I can be sexthy...bend over and I'll show you!"na, Gerald "I need a drink" Brisco, and the ever bedeviling, Patrick J "Open up and I'll say AHHH" Patterson.
-Also along for the ride were two of Shane's homeboys....Rodney and Pete Gas. I have nothing to say on these boys yet. Shane was quick to introduce them as being from the "Mean Street Posse"! I had some of that Mean Street pussy a few years ago...oh yeah......I damn near lost my car keys in that chooch.
-By the way, I think it was a real douche maneuver to "retire" the European belt from Shane. If they wanted to get rid of it, fine...but not when it was in HIS hands. Come on..that's so...so..so Bischoffy
-Ken Shamrock grabbed the mic out of Shane's hands. Ross brilliantly deduced that he was "irate".
-Seems that Kenny is perturbed that no one in the Corporation would help him and his Sister last week...and getting that carjack stuck in his ass while in the trunk didn't help calm him down either.
-Shane tried to reason with Shamrock, stating that HIS sister was in trouble too....so they sort of have a mutual enemy, similar problem thing happening.
-With that, Shane called out for Stephanie to come on down. He wanted to talk to her in front of everybody.
-Backstage, Stephanie wanted to go, but Vince was hesitant. Vince finally agreed, so long as he and the Guards went with her.
-and thus..they all trotted out. Vincent K "Crucify my rug and you are DEAD" McMahon, his daughter, Stephanie, "I don't want...anything else..when I think aBOUT my trust fund I touch myself" McMahon, and a whole gaggle.....well four of Detroit's finest.
-Stephanie was all smiles in the ring, which is surprising, considering that this is probably the first time she heard an entire stadium of people call Vince an "ASSHOLE" before....(then again...this IS Vince we are talking about...I'm sure she's heard it a MILLION times already) but Vince wasn't...he snatched the mic away from Shane and demanded to know what he wanted. He wanted to know what was Shane "up to"
-Shane accused Vince of having his priorities "out of whack"....putting his daughter's welfare over that of the corporation.....(this led Stephanie to put on a face that I can only describe as a "pout"....damned childish too..if you ask me)
-Then Shane said that Vince's whacked out priorities made him put Jim Ross back on the Announcing table, even though he could barely speak! (Hear...I say HEAR HEAR) Shane said that he WOULD fire him, but his only replacement would be Michael Cole, and he sucks TOO!!!
-Backstage, Michael Cole started to punch the soda machines and scream, "I TRIED MY BEST DAMMIT!!!!!!!! IF YOU JUST GAVE ME A FEW MORE MONTHS, THEN I WOULD HAVE WON THEM OVER!!!!!! DAMN YOU MCMAHON!!!!! YOU NEVER GAVE ME A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Vince warned Shane about stepping over the line....
-Shane countered by saying that he was going to fire someone who should have been fired 30 years ago! Someone who doesn't fit in with the "Youth and Exuberance" of the Corporation (at which point, the Big Bossman started to look nervously at his shoes, he was muttering to himself, "Uhhh oh. is he talking about ME? .This wasn't in the script, but I'm no spring chicken here!!"
-Then Shane fired Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson....Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson.....Pat Patterson......
-Pat Patterson?
-Oh no...the Mop-Up is RUINED!!!!!!!!
-DAMN YOU SHANE!!!!!!! HOW CAN I RUN A DECENT COLUMN WHEN YOU GAVE MY FAVORITE FAIRY THE OLD BOOT?!?!?!!? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT HYATTE????
-Vince was calm though.....he asked Shane if he was on some sort of "power trip"..
-Shane countered by asking what happened to Vince's "power trip"...and those "balls the size of grapefruit"?
-Vince assured him that he still had his balls...but he also had his daughter..and she came first. So, he was going to take Stephanie home now. He turned to leave.
-Shane yanked him back..now Vince was getting pissed. He told his boy that he must EARN power..through RESPECT (that's a lesson Bischoff never seemed to get, now did he?)
-Shane responded by saying, "respect this"...and slapped him right across the face.
-Vince sneered and stared right into his eyes....Shane started back......
-Stephanie pulled her dad away and Vince left. Shane called out to him and asked where he was going....
-Then Shane said that Vince was no longer his father....in fact, he was no longer Mr. McMahon. From now on, Vince would be just plain "Vince"
-Vince seethed away some more, but then left.
-Meanwhile, Ken Shamrock hopped out of the ring and joined Vince. Shane gave him one of those "are you suuure you want to do this Kenny?" looks.
-It ended with Shane slapping palms with everyone else in the ring. The Rock in particular seemed pleased with his actions. Of course, Jim Ross was disgusted. So much so that he peeled off that Twinkie half and prepared to devour it as we were sent off to the night's first set of.....
-commercials
-footage of the slap....showed 3 times for dramatic effect.
-Backstage...Vince thanked Shamrock for his loyalty and his respect....then hustled Stephanie, Patterson, and Brisco into a limo and sped off.......
-Patterson is fired!!!!!!!!! We may NEVER see him again!!!!!!!
-I...I...I've been through so much with him...WE have been through so much with him!!!! And now we may never see him again!!! I..I..I...I feel like singing a song!
-A song for Pat! Inspired by and set to the music of Elton John's "Goodbye Norma Jean"... This is called, "Goodbye You Old Queen"
-Goodbye You Old Queen -May those young butts...BE NICE AND CLEAN -You beloooong in mental home.. -for digging on those firm male tushys!
-And it seems to me, that you lived your life -With a candle up your ass -Never caring about where all those peckers have been
-Okay, so it was the short SHORT version.....I was never a big fan of Elton John.
-Backstage, we also see Shane gather the Corporation around. The Rock left to get some "fresh air"
-Sable came out.....followed by Nicole Bass....you think there is a Maxi Pad big enough to handle Nicole Bass?
-My guess is that she uses a roll of Bounty and a rope.
-Jim Ross harped on this being a FIRST TIME EVER 4 Corners Women's Title Match. Sable vs Jacqueline vs Torrie vs Ivory......
-Too bad Nicole Bass ruined it by chokeslamming everyone and making sure the match never took place...ah well
-Too bad Nicole Bass also ruined my ability to pop a boner anymore by screaming at everyone in that Mucho Male voice of her's, "YOU GOT A PROOBLLLUM???" brrrrrrrrrrr...I'm gonna be getting the Douchchills for weeks now.
-That is going to stick in my mind for a while now...as God as my Witness...I may NEVER MASTURBATE AGAIN
-Before Sable and Bass could leave, the lights dimmed...
-And the Undertaker showed up on the big TitanTron. He promised Vince that since he can't get Stephanie tonight..he will have to sacrifice another unwitting lamb. Put Nicole Bass up there on the Cross and I may be forced to quit God and go Islamic.
-We see that Austin has arrived in the building.
-we also see some commercials
-we ALSO see that we are fresh out of page!!
Chris Hyatte
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