Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I have nothing to add here...4/15/99
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-Austin came out and he said what he had to say......he Rock was in for it...Shane better be on the up and up.....yadda yadda yadda...
-Then he challenged the Rock to give him his belt, or he will be forced to go backstage and bring his "Nursery Rhyme singing, Rudy Poo Candy ASS" out into the ring and wipe the "whole damn arena with his stinking ASS!"
-At which point, The Rock came on the Big TitanTron. He was in the same place that Austin was when he threw the Rock's Inter-Continental title a year and a half ago....unfortunately, nobody remembers that time..because we were pretty much all watching Bret Hart scream about getting screwed on Nitro.
-The Rock told Austin to come on down and get the belt.....he was much more verbose than that...but I may have a psychotic episode if I keep on recapping all this dialogue.
-Austin called the Rock a pile of "feces", and went out to get him.
-You know....I think Austin was drunk tonight
-Mankind was backstage looking for the Boiler Room..he asked a guy if he played for the Detroit Redwings....then aid that he used to play "Tonsil Hockey" with Al Snow....why on Earth would he admit to that?
-commercials
-Michael Cole is back to the backstage and non too happy about it..but, he was a trooper and did a spot where he was trying to secure a chat with Mankind...then he muttered that Jim Ross was a "numbed up bag of Cow crap"....but it didn't get in audio.
-WeEEEeeEElll....well it's the BIG SHOOOOOW......Paul Wight came out and beat the living poop out of Christian....he was supposed to take on all three members of the Brood, but the Undertaker still wanted Christian to pay for...for...oh Hell...I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!!!!
-DOES THE UNDERTAKER HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THE CHRISTIANS HAVE BEEN THROUGH?????? WHY CAN'T HE LEAVE US ALONE?????
-Jeeze....the Jews get 8 days of Hanukkah...we only get one stupid day for presents.....HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIVE ON THESE...THESE...PIDDLING HOLIDAYS??
-Wight killed Christian of course....damn heathen....what did we ever do to HIM? HUH???
-Cole spotted Mankind and talked to him in the Boiler room....Mankind tried his damndest to sell the idea that he was going to do anything but get destroyed by Wight in two weeks....
-Backstage, Shane sent Rodney and Pete Gas to the Boiler room to rough up Mankind something fierce.....that should be interesting.
-commercials
-The Rock was still waiting for Austin...
-Gas and Rodney were running to the Boiler room.
-Bad Ass Billy Gunn came out. He kind of breezed through his little schtick...but not before dropping a "Red Wing" reference.
-Val Venis came out....he sort of phoned in his schtick too...yet both men received HUGE pops...bigger than Austin for crying out loud!
-It lasted a tad bit longer than these first hour matches tend to go....but it was eventually stopped by interference from Jeff Jarrett, Owen Hart, and Road Dog. Then Debra and Val got a little sumthin' sumthin' going.....but Jarrett pulled her away before it could get any further.
-I should also point out that at one point, Debra' titty was SMOOSHED up against her bra.
-Debra and Val.....I like it, because Debra has proven to have NO problems with getting "suggestive"...besides, Mongo's head will explode.
-Rodney and Pete Fart had to slap fists one time before charging in after Mankind...so they did
-commercials
-Well..who'da thunk it? Mankind was easily giving those punks a little what for! Beating them around like their daddy should have a long time ago. After tossing Rodney around, he yelled, "I hate that Damn haircut anyway!" Indeed....indeed,
-I like the haircut...it looks like a giant Bald Eagle dumped a monster crap on him. That, my friends, is the first of TWO birdcrap jokes for this week's columns. Click on over to the Nitro column for the second one...YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID!!!!!!!
-The second hour arrives with all the fury of a Circus Elephant run amok.
-The Acolytes battled Jarrett and Owen Hart for a time.....but then the Undertaker and his crew came out to spread their unique brand of mayhem once more.
-Half the Ministry held Hart and Jarrett back while the UT lectured Debra on why she'll be strung up on the cross tonight. Then Shamrock ran in with a baseball bat.....rumor has it that somewhere in Texas, Mongo was watching this and screamed, "DAMMIT SHAMROCK!!!! STAY OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!"
-Shamrock was about to whallop the UT with the bat...but UT stopped him by telling him that Ryan Shamrock was in the basement,,,,and apparently, she spent this past week getting a little "Mabel Love"......I...I...I don't even want to THINK about it...I...I...I can't even PICTURE it. Needless to say, Shamrock took off after his Sis.
-The Rock is still on the bridge.
-commercials
-Footage of what just happened....
-Shamrock is seen running down a hall.
-The Big Bossman took on Goldust for the IC belt......there was no Blue Meanie.
-There WAS the Godfather....who came out with a whole gaggle of Ho's....some of them were pretty hot....some of them were pretty fugly. All of them would reject me in a new York minute.
-GF offered BBM the HOS for a shot at GD's IC belt......then he got some cheap heat by saying that if the Bossman didn't want them, there were a few members of the Detroit Redwings sitting at ringside who would have a go at them.
-Bossman demanded all 5 Ho's....Godfather agreed....Godfather got the title shot...the match was on......
-Hey! What do you get when you cross Papa Shango with the Godfather?
-Answer: Someone who can make the Hoes menstruate whenever he wanted!!!
-For no apparent reason, the crowd started to chant, "NITRO SUCKS, NITRO SUCKS!!" Ross sniffed that it was a "pretty interesting chant they had going.". Then said that, "It pretty much speaks for itself doesn't it?" Lawler agreed laughingly on both occasions. DAMMIT...I DON'T CARE IF HE LOOKS LIKE A BUS HIT HIS FACE...IT'S GOOD TO HAVE JR BACK HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The Godfather has this move where he runs into his opponent in the corner.....it's called the "Ho Train" because of the looooooong set up before he charges. I just have to say...it looks ridiculous watching the opponent act "stunned" for the 10 seconds it takes for him to warm up.
-The Godfather SCORED THE PIN!!! After the "DVD". He also won the IC belt as well. The Hoes came running out to help celebrate. Meanwhile backstage, the Bossman is currently naked in the ladies shower with his nightstick shoved up a very rude place......his wallet is missing too.
-Goofus says that this is a BLIGHT on the Inter-Continental title picture
-Gallant says that the Godfather has been around for a long time and deserves a nice title run.
-Goofus says that neither the moolie or the fag should hold the title and a REAL wrestler should wear the strap.
-Gallant chastises Goofus on using the words "Moolie" and "Fag" and reminds him that we are all one big happy family on this crazy planet.
-Goofus apologizes...then cheerfully bends Gallant over a chair and does things to him with a empty bottle of Moosehead......all the while screaming, "ONE BIG FAMILY HUH? WELL HERE'S A PRESENT FROM YOUR COUSIN GOOFUS!!! YA GAY ASS PANSY!!!!!!!"
-Gallant screams and screams and screams until everything goes very, very black.
-Ken Shamrock found Ryan in the boiler room...Mankind was there too.
-The fact that the WWF Music CD sold as much as it did is AMAZING....I just wanted to point that out.
-commercials
-footage of the Shane slap.
-The Ministry attack Shamrock and Mankind in the Boiler room.....Paul Bearer dumped a little Chloroform down Kenny's throat. UT promised to make Shamrock a member of the Ministry before the night was done. Then he taunted Ryan a little bit.
-commercials
-D-Lo Brown lost to Hardcore Holly in a Hardcore match thanks to help from Al Snow. Snow kept dropping Mankind's name.
-Oh yes, and Holly gave the Redwings a thrill by giving them a little shoving match.
-UT made some more pointless threats to Ken Shamrock. Kenny was still sound asleep though.
-The Rock suddenly found a fishing pole and put it to use.
-commercials
-The Ministry was out on the entrance way and were tying Shamrock down on that Cross......then the UT started to choke Christian down.
-UT ordered Edge and Gangrel to strap down Christian on the OTHER Cross....they refused....it turned into a brawl....then Mankind came out and started to fight.....
-Meanwhile, Shamrock was having a BITCH of a time untying himself....DAMN THESE SAILOR KNOTS!!!!!!!! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
-Soon, the UT sank down on that trapdoor lift that Gangrel always uses...which took us right to some...
-commercials
-X-Pac came out.
-Kane came out.
-Test, HHH, and Chyna came out. The title match is on....
-HHH was shoved around by Kane a little..so he tagged in Test by slapping him on the shoulder. Test was surprised.
-by comparison, X-Pac had to reach over and tag Kane in order to get in. Kane didn't want to leave.
-X-Pac took a beating for the most part...but then again..he ALWAYS takes a beating.
-If I had a dime for every time Ross or Lawler talked about that Shane Slap.....I'd have about $3.65...(when you factor in depreciation value).
-After Kane and X-Pac cleaned house a little, HHH showed that there is a bit more to his heel turn than just joining the Corporation by throwing test in the ring and walking away as Kane hit the Tombstone and won the match. X-Pac went after HHH.
-The Rock's beeper went off......the number 3:16 was on it...I guess. Talk about bringing things back from obscurity.
-Ken Shamrock stomped to the ring looking like he went to the movie "Go" and got a nasty surprise on the back of his head during the Katie Holmes love scene.
-He hit the ring and demanded that "Mark" get his ass out there right now so they can settle things. You have GOT to like it when they break a little kayfabe to keep an angle interesting.
-The lights dimmed...
-The lights went up and the UT was in the ring......he pounced on Shamrock and started to wail...
-Shamrock reversed it and wailed away himself....
-Then the Ministry charged out and Kenny was laid out...again.
-Then HHH and the Bossman ran out and pulled Shamrock away.
-Then HHH and the Bossman beat up Shamrock a little too...as Shane stood on the top of the ramp...smiling.
-Let's bring it home.....Austin finally arrived and the two went at it
-They must be running late, because Austin had very little offense...and he ended up on the other side of the Bridge rail. Then Rock gave him a pair of middle fingers
-Then an Austin dummy (although that MAY be redundant) went crashing into the river. Ross was speechless.
-To wrap it up...the Rock spat on the Rattlesnake title and hurled it into the drink too. That killed the show.
Well, things damn sure got more interesting huh? Now this UT vs Vince angle suddenly got a few more wrinkles into it. Shane......Austin.....Shamrock....Paul Wight.....now they are ALL involved. Now this is getting to be a mighty cool storyline indeed.
It was a good show...but not a killer show. Nitro could very easily take it. Let's us head on over to that column and see what they could cook up against this.
Chris Hyatte
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