Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the April 17 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Err... ummm... ahhh... Nope. I have nothing to say. NITRO: (or: Well, it back to normal) -WCW Symbol: I'll outlive every last one of you bastards! -Still shots of that thing they called "Spring Stampede". YOU called it, "There was a PPV last night?" -Various Rent-a-Cops are stationed at the Exits to prevent the mad rush of fans who will inevitably bolt from the arena once Russo unveils his latest attempt to get Disco over. Wisely, the ponytailed guards stick together to compare length size, and talk about all the babes who turned them down once they said that they were Security Guards. -It's the shortened opening theme. No Nitro Girls. They must be fired again this week. -Fireworks welcome us to Monday Nitro, Tony Schiavone does too. He declares that all the doors have been locked, and this is a "Private Party" for Bischoff, Russo, and the New Blood. -Of course, locking all the doors in a major arena violates about 15 major fire codes. AND IS THAT SISSY SPACEK I SEE IN THE BALCONY?????? DEAR GOD!!! IT'S AN AMBUSH!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES CHILDREN!!!!!! YOU HAVE TORMENT POOR SISSY LONG ENOUGH!!!!! NOW IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!!!! -They are in Rockford, Illinois. Near Chicago. Near Mancow. Burn the F-ing place. Burn the people into cinders. Burn them all to HELLLLLLL!!!!!! -I never could get into the Rockford Files. -Tony announces that Scott Hudson is with him, and so is Madden. I like how Madden justified his humiliation last week by saying that everyone complimented him, and even Hulk Hogan gave him the thumbs up. Oh don't believe a single word. He just tried to justify the flogging. -We are told that pretty much everyone in the New Blood won belts... or pretty much every belt was won by a New Bleeder. That's a Bischoff move. Just like when the NWO won every belt in site within a few short weeks. -The Theme to "New York, New York" played as confetti and balloons dropped over everyone. I saw the NWO do that already, must be another Bischoff move. -Vince Russo came out with Shane Douglas, Buff Bagwell, Chris Candido, Tammy/Sunny/Artist to be officially named later, and Scott Steiner. -and bloody Hell, it's damn GOOD to see Ms Fytch signed on. So long as she stays off the junk, she'll be able to teach ALL of the babes, and more than a FEW of the guys how to inject a little personality into their speeches. That goofy ass Torrie had best be sitting FRONT ROW CENTER for these lectures!! -They dump confetti on them for nearly 5 minutes, nonstop, heavy flow. Hmm, over produced, over killed, total opposite of "Crash TV". Which one of the two dreamed up this idea? -Sources say that Tony had to go off mic to tell Madden that he shouldn't try eating the Confetti. Madden told him to mind his own F-ing business. -Russo got on the stick and told the fans to boo them all they want, it doesn't change the fact that he's "better than them". (Oh no, I don't WANT the spotlight! I just wanted to have some free time!) -Russo announced that this was ALMOST an official "New York Party", then told Tammy not to Bogart that pipe. (ahh, the demons we must battle) -Two New York City cops came down to the ring and shot the Time Keeper. Russo, "NOW, it's a New York Party!!" -The New Blood... I thought Jason Vorhees took out that chick? (Had to get that one in early before someone else did) -Russo said that the New Blood really came into it's own last night, "just like Vince Russo said so!" (I don't care IF he wrote that for Austin, the fact that he used it for himself makes him look like a DICK... which might very well be what he wants) -Tammy has gained weight! I notice this as Russo looked at Candido and said that he promised him "Sunny days" ahead. -He called Flair, "Slick Dick" and Luger, "The Very Small Package" and bragged about how Bagwell and Douglas beat them (The Dynamic Douches?) -Of course, Steiner was introduced as the new US Champion. Let's see, Steiner isn't all that bright, he is completely in love with himself, and he is one syringe shot away from total embalming. One day, Scott Steiner is going to snap and really hurt someone, and that my friends, is why he is the scariest Motherfu**er on TV. -Although why he didn't snap and cripple that Wrestleline idiot who interviewed him is beyond me. WHY CAN'T ANYBODY INTERVIEW THESE PEOPLE!!!!!! -Russo said that Terry Funk's recent Hardcore title win will be short... as in, tonight will end it short. Because Funk sure ain't New, probably doesn't even have any Blood, and isn't a Millionaire either. He's jammed in somewhere between. -Russo mentioned that "small promotion where he used to work", there was an "old, crotchety, old man, who used to wear a Cowboy hat" (Ace Orton? Blackjack Mulligan? BOBBY DUNCUM SR?? THE INVENTOR OF THE BULLDOG???) -No, he had a message for this old man, who "did everything he could to keep our next guest down!" Then he said, "JR, you can kiss my ass!!" -Oh please...OH PLEASE... let Madden repeat that crack he once made about how "God froze JR's face for all the people he screwed over"... I'm begging him... I DARE him. -for the record, JR is an asshole. LOTS of people who knew him have told me over the past couple of years, but that doesn't stop his on air personality from being well loved. -Buff was amused by the ass kissing line, seeing how Bagwell's had to do stuff a wee bit more graphic than ass kissing to get where he is perhaps he shouldn't. (Not that I would know, or have any actual proof... but I hear ‘tings) -Russo introduced Jeff Jarrett, the NEW WCW World Champion. Madden screamed that every word Russo said was true. -Jarrett came out. Madden said that "every single promoter, either from up North or down South, tried to keep the man from being the best wrestler in the world." (Oh yeah, and the fact that every fan outside of Memphis yawned in Jarrett's face had NOTHING to do with it, oh no) -aw Hell, I LIKE Jarrett. I always have. I'm glad to see him as champ. Good for him. -ofcourseyoucan alwaysargueoverwhetherornot jarrettgotoveronhisowntermso rsimplybecausewcwisseverlylacking intrulyoverpeople... butthatisatopicforanothertime. -Jarrett got on the mic and told the crowd to never, EVER doubt him again. He told Vince that aside from the time his child was born, this was the "greatest day in his life" (WHA-AT? WHAT ABOUT THE TIME HE ESCORTED GENNIFER FLOWERS TO THE RING?????) -To that Announcer, sitting in "State College, Pennsylvania" (err... that's Penn State, Numbnuts)... Good Ol' Jr can kiss his ass. -Strange, he has no problem with the man who made him work right after Owen dropped to his death. I'm sure he still has nightmares about that. -To Dallas Page, he challenged to a "Three Tier Cage Match" at Slamboree. -Things get a bit stupid here. First he said that he was upset over not being in "Ready to Rumble", as if we forgot that during filming, he was the Inter-Continental Champion in the other company. -Plus, he acted like we all KNOW about the Three Tier Cage match that was featured in the movie. He acted like we SAW the movie. He acted like ANYONE saw the movie. The damn thing's being yanked from theaters faster than "Capetown"... NOBODY saw the F-ing movie. -"Slapnuts" was edited. Sigh. -Russo had another guest to bring out. Eric Bischoff. -Eric came out with Kimberly. I guess he's supposed to be boffing her. Actually, I've seen less believable couples. -Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg, Chris Hyatte and Anything with Two Tits and a Pulse -Bischoff got on the stick and bragged about being him. He trashed talked Page a little, goofing on his sexual shortcomings and the like... -OH I KNOW... I CAN JUST TELL... ONE DAY SOON, ERIC IS GOING TO SCRIPT A MAKEOUT SESSION WITH KIMBERLY!!!! ONE DAY HE'S GOING TO START KISSING HER ON LIVE TV!!!! It'll be one of those horrible kisses with the lips so tightly pinched that nary a microbe will pass between them. All to get Eric over as a Wonderstud. HE'S DONE IT BEFORE, PEOPLE!!!!!! -Eric said that getting Kimberly was "icing... no, whipped creme on my cake", he smiled brightly, so proud of that line. -Kimberly got on the mic and trashed talked her husband, not once thinking of at least covering her wedding ring. -BUT, Kimberly put some energy and some zip to her words, talking about how their entire relationship had revolved around Page, around "DDME". -Say, has Al reminded everyone that he's friends with Page by announcing that he just got off the phone with the two of them and they are still happily together? If he hasn't, I'm sure it's coming. -Have I toasted that Bridge down to ashes yet? -Kimberly is looking GOOOOOOD tonight. I think that after this recap, I will masturbate to this tape. -Kimberly has decided that SHE'S the star, and from now on, it's all about HER. It's more about that big rack, cause the rest of her ain't no spring chicken. -Meanwhile, DDP pulls up in his fancy new/old/somewhere in between Corvette (He's the WORKING MAN'S WRESTLER!!). Some 20 year old Generation Xer explained to him that the Old Folk's Home is "thataway". Page mows through him and a few friends on his way into the ring. Maybe he locked himself out of the house and needs to get the spare set Kimberly keeps in her Uterus? (oh let's just recycle THAT joke 500 times Hyatte, you stupid SH*T!!) -Page marches in and rambles to the ring. Tony teases the blind viewers by saying, "Guess who's in the building?" (Oh Tony, why torture them?) -Page marches out. Even though the Millionaire's Club was NOT expected to be in the building, they somehow STILL had Page's theme music all cued up. They must have Kreskin on the payroll. -Page was wearing a "Sopranos" T-shirt. Normally, I'd say that it's a desperate attempt to seem current, but Page is from Jersey, the Sopranos takes place in Jersey. It's acceptable. -Page hits the ring, the Riot Squad Cops do nothing to block his way. (Oh Christ, not the old "Faces disguised as Cops" gag again??) -Of course they are. Page goes after everyone. They all gang up on him, the Cops jump in, they are Flair, Luger, and Sting. Oh...RETIRE THIS BIT ALREADY!!! PLEASE!!! IT'S DONE TO DEATH!!!! KILL IT!!! NO MORE, RUSSO!!! NO MORE, ERIC!!! NO MORE, MCMAHON!!!! NO MORE, HEYMAN!!!!! GIVE IT TO THE INDYS. KILL THE STUPID THING!!! -The $$$$ Club clean house. I WILL say that so far, Sting has shown more energy for his job than he has since growing his hair out. -commercials - Footage of what just happened. -Eric is backstage, yelling at various new Bleeders about not being there when the $$$$'s were cleaning house. -He called Lash Leroux a fag, asked Hugh Morrus if he was going to a clambake, took a shot at Eddie Guerrero by asking Chavo if turning his back on his friends is a family tradition, and goofed on Booker's "playa threads". -Booker mouthed back, Eric told him to take off those sunglasses and look him in the eye. Booker ripped off the glasses and hung a BAD Mad Dog look. Eric did what every cotton Whitey would do, he pissed his pants and nervously asked Booker to put the damn things back on. Then he sent them all away. -He told Russo to book Mike Awesome to take out Page tonight. -Those Security Guards Page plowed through came out and told Eric that they thought this was RAW and even $6 an hour Idiots had scruples. They told him to call them when they start pulling 4's. -Then the phone rang. Bischoff picked it up. It was Hogan, promising doom within 10 minutes. We have SEEN THIS BEFORE!!!!! ALMOST WORD FOR WORD!!!!!!!!! ON ANOTHER CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!! -I swear, if Hogan puts a gun to Eric's head and makes him pee his pants, I will quit the Mop-Up and spend the rest of my career crank calling web guys. -The Announcers get some face time. Madden looks like he just came out of a Bunkhouse Brawl with the Buffet Table. I wonder if he packs spare socks in those bags under his eyes? -Hudson, (Hogan was) "sprung from the Hooscow in Chi-Town last night!!" (Who TALKS like that anymore?) -I swear, Madden looks like a Zombie. The Walking Dead. Well, the Eating Dead. -Hey, we got us a match now. -Shawn "The Perfect One" Stasiak enters the ring. It's really kind of a sad testimony to the sheer desperation that both companies have in being number 1 that someone like Stasiak, who really should have been ousted out of the job for illegally taping conversations, can find work in the main competition. I mean, I have nothing against the boy myself, but it is sad that the companies can't agree on anything. -Curt Hennig comes out. It is never noted where Hennig fits in this. Looks like Curt is going to look forward to a nice, long career finish of laying down. -Miss Handcock comes out. Madden says "Snootchie Bootchies", and probably hoped to take full credit for it. -Last week, Hennig tried to embarrass the kid (and succeeded too) by messing up his finish. Let's see if he does it again, or if Russo read him the riot act. -Hennig tosses the kid onto the Announce Table. Hennig tosses water on Madden. Yes, by all means, he needs a bath. I can smell him from my TV screen. -Camera shot of Madden, my God... PULL BACK DAMMIT!!! PULL BACK!!!!! -Madden gives that, "Aw, it's all in good fun! We're pals!!" vibe. Maybe they are. Who knows? -Madden asked what in God's name will happen to him next? I don't know, but I'm sure food will be involved. -Ms Handcock was busy watching this, and fellating a pen. Must be practicing for Russo later. (size don't matter) -We got the Hennigplex, but the Ref was knocked out. Stasiak whipped out a foreign object (CONFISCATE THAT THING AND SEND IT BACK TO CUBA!!!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!!!) used it, put his Spinning Stunner move on Hennig, and pinned him. Tony called the move the "Perfectplant". It's all to drive McMahon crazy. That's all this show is now. -Stasiak works on Hennig some more... meanwhile... -Hulk Hogan is on the scene!!! Some Cops try to keep him from entering. Hogan said that he was going in one way or the other. There was a stare down. The lead Cop blinked and allowed him in. -Tony, "In one of the BIGGEST STAREDOWNS WE'VE EVER SEEN!!!" (uh uh... what about the time someone put a slice of Pizza in front of a Mirror and Madden went for it, but saw his reflection go for it too and got confused? That staredown lasted for HOURS!!! NOBODY BLINKED!!!!!!! -Hogan was in the building. He walked around a little... -Then hit the ring. Stasiak was still working on Hennig. I heard Hogan yell, "I FU**ED your Mom and made your Old Man hold my DO' RAG!!!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!" Then knocked the Wire Tapping freak out of the ring. -He helped Hennig to his feet as we took off to some... -commercials -Hogan was still in the ring. He's got the mic. -He wanted to clear up a couple of things: To wit: -He had a lot of time over the past year to listen to what the fans had to say about Hulk Hogan (Oh BULL!!! The man still thinks his Apple is a Microwave with a door jammed shut). I heard all the Maniacs say that Hulk-A-Mania will live forever (oh WHO SAID THAT??? WHO?????). -He also heard the critics say that Hulk Hogan is getting older. (I never heard that? I heard he is OLD, not oldER) The thing is, every damn wrestler is getting older too, day by day!! Yeah, the problem is, THEY ARE ALL IN WCW!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA -He also heard the Critics ask if Hulk Hogan lost a step or two? (No, the problem is, HE'S USING THE SAME DAMN STEPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -So far, I've obliterated 100% of his first "shoot" in years. -BUT, the biggest thing he's heard from critics... does Hulk Hogan STILL have something to offer wrestling? (listen carefully, and you can hear a voice from the back, with a deep Southern drawl, yell, "I b'leeve in ya ol' Hoss!!!" (Of course you do, Hop-a-long Ryder!!) -actually, it IS a question that pops up... what is his answer? -You're damn right he does!!! He's here to lead by example, and he challenged anyone out back to come on out and take his spot as the top dog. (Mighty fine time for Goldberg to hustle on out, if you ask me) -He said that we can mess with the gimmick all we want. We can make him slip on a banana peel and take the pin (it was the alternative ending to the Yokozuna title match back in the day). Bischoff and Russo can try to humiliate Hogan all they want, but when they pull the crap they pulled on Nitro last week and at the Stampede, well, NOW they are messing with Terry Bollea, and when you mess with Terry Bollea, you're messing with THUNDERLIPS!!!!!!! -By messing with Bollea, they are trying to take money out of his pocket (he's got millions) and food out of his kid's mouth (his wife owns a RESTAURANT!!!!!!!) -Terry Bollea has MORE heart than ANY wrestler in the back!!! And, oddly enough, a FULL HEAD OF HAIR TOO!!! (of course, Terry Bollea has just as much control over his own personal bookings as Hulk Hogan, Thunderlips, AND "Rip" do) -If anyone wants Hogan's spot, they are going to have to run him out of the company in order to do it. (Hey Yoko!!! Care to repeat history??) -He trashed Kidman, "shooting" on about how he is known to whine to every promoter that has sauntered on by the company, and how he stayed holed up in his Hotel room until he was promised a desirable opponent and some Crack Cocaine, (geeze, of all the workers to emulate, why'd he pick the SNAKE?). Hogan was sick of it, so... since Kidman called him out last week, he will return the favor this week and call KIDMAN out!!! How ‘bout dem apples? -Kidman showed up on the camera with his Bim. Hogan didn't wait until Billy's pre-taped speech was finished before he took off. -Hmm... obviously a trap!! Seems that Bollea is just as clueless as Hogan! HEY TERRY, WATCH OUT FOR THE FLASHING CAMERAS!!!! -Hogan ran backstage and wiped out on a carefully placed banana peel (OH THOSE NO GOOD BOOKING BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!) -commercials -Hogan was running around out back. -Jarrett told Mean Gene that he has an open contract for ANYONE who isn't a Millionaire tonight. He called Gene a "Jurassic Slapass". Gene was left speechless. F-the title win, now THAT was a feat!! -"Jurassic Slapass"... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Oh that's funny. -The Wall came out as Tony marveled over the fact that Hogan has FINALLY revealed his real name to be "Terry Bollea"... ONLY HERE... ONLY...ON NITRO!!!!! (Was it that big a mystery?) -Terry Funk came out. We see Vince Russo fire Dustin last night at the PPV. Naturally, they made sure we heard Russo say that "Goldust" and every word Goldust EVER uttered was written by him. -Funk chaired the Wall twice. The Wall must have learned at the feet of Goldberg, because he didn't sell a single shot. -The Wall went for his own chairshot. Funk knocked him in the nuts. The Wall sold that move because to do otherwise might lead people to think he has a vagina. -Funk delivered a top rope Moonsault onto the Wall who was on the OUTSIDE!! Of course, Terry missed 95% of the move and basically swan dove onto his head. This prick is TOUGH!!!!! -As Funk fell into one of his Epileptic Seizures, the Wall Piledrove him on the announce table. Hudson ran, Tony ran, Madden played dead... it was his only defense. -The Wall beat Funk around, using chairs and a Guard rail segment. Funk fought back with physical blows, as well as emotional ones, ("You sonafaBITCH!!! YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE!!!") I think he even used the dreaded F-word once or twice. A feat not even I have been able to achieve on ANY site. -After slamming a cage door (not a wrestling cage door... don't ask) on Terry's head a few times, the Wall tossed him around some more. Then from up high, a pair of tables CRASHED down on top of him. The Wall went down. Funk stomped on one of the tables that was on top of the sap and pinned him. -Holy Crap. They hired Mick Foley!!! Now THIS IS NEWS!!!! -Actually, we don't see who dumped the tables. It probably wasn't Foley. Maybe the ghost of Owen Hart? -Backstage, the new tag team Brian Adams and Brian... err... Wrath, told Russo that they were all set for their tag team title match tonight. Russo said that they'll get them some ther time. Adams didn't approve. Russo invited them to start practicing putting Kiss makeup on each other again, if they didn't like things they way they were now. Adams proclaimed his newfound love for the virtue known as patience. Russo applauded his wisdom. -Yes indeed, there was a contract on Jarrett's dressing room door. -Someone signed it. No clue as to who. -commercials -Jarrett saw who signed the contract and was none the happier for it. -Okerlund talked to DDP. Page said that the Tuna boat has sailed and he was looking forward to running naked through a valley of Lilacs and Petunias!! YOUNG Lilacs and Petunias. -Some Business people were seated at ringside. Madden talked them up as if they were the Beatles reunited. -The Mamalukes were supposed to take on the Harris Brothers, but the 2 Brians trashed them and hit the ring instead. Let's see what this match can do to get us goi.... -RING-A-DING DING PALLY!!! -Oh my Word!! Ladies and Gentleman!! I... I... I can't believe this. FRANK SINATRA HAS JUST DROPPED BY!!!!! THE FRANK SINATRA!!!! HERE, IN THE MOP-UP -How are you doing? Hello to all you crazy cats!! -Mr. Sinatra, aren't you supposed to be dead? -Kiddo, when you got a voice like mine and you grew up a skinny wop from Hoboken, death is only a break between gigs. You know what I mean? -I guess so, sir. -I can only stay for a few minutes! I'm going to take the MGM to Vegas to catch Deano at the Sands -Uhh, Frank, Dean is de.. -WhattamI doing now? Covering this match? Where's Haystacks? Is Haystacks fighting? -Haystacks is dead, Mr. Sin... -How about that Queer Sumptuous George? Is he in this ting? -That's Gorgeous George and he's dead too. He died 40 years ago. -I knew that. Don't get cute, sonny! I can get some guys to come over here and within 5 minutes I'll be Golfing wit your eyeballs. -No sir! I mean yes sir! -My mind is just as sharp as a stiletto heel! Just like Jackie Kennedy used to wear. -I never saw Jackie wear stilettos? -You callin' my a liar, Pally? -No sir. -Smart kid. My mind is as sharp as a stiletto heel. Just like that fag Janet Reno. -JANET RENO!!! MY SINATRA, PLEASE!!!! -Hey, go over there and sit down kid. I ate out broads with more balls than you. -Yes sir, Mr. Sinatra. -Watch your mouth, Dago. Or I'll have Jilly use your guts for Ravioli. -Yes Sir. -Now just point out the TelePrompTers and let me show you how it's done. -It's all yours Mr. Sinatra. -Let's see. These two dagos were fighting these two long haired Sallys. Now normally, the Wops would have taken out these Hippie mutts without so much as spilling a drop of Bean, but seeing how this sport is fake, and thereby for scumbag punks who wouldn't know a good song if it crawled into the tub wit dem and gave a little rub-a-dub dub... -Umm, at this time I would like to point out that Mr. Sinatra is still firmly rooted in another ERA of time when certain... means of expression were still deemed acceptable in the eyes of society. Or at least, Frank and his cronies were able to get away with it to a certain extent. -You through chatting away to a silly box, Sonny? -Yes sir. -What is this thing anyway? Does Uncle Miltie come in? -No sir, it doesn't. -Where's the music? Why am I in this room with no music? *Sinatra begins to bang quite hard on the Monitor* -What kind of music, Mr. Sinatra? Could you honor us with a song? -Doobee doobee dooooo, exchanging glances, Strangers in the niiiight, scratching our asses... wandering with a kiiiiite... Ben Franklin romances us NOOOOWWWWWWW -Umm, Mr. Sinatra? -SHADDUP YOU PUNK!!!! ONE PHONE CALL AND YOU'LL BE IN A WHEEL CHAIR FASTER THAN ONE OF DEM JERRY CRIPS!!! -Yes sir! -I wanna sing "Me and My Shadow"... where is that spook Sammy? -Spook? Mr. Sinatra PLEASE!!! -SAMMY, ARE YOU LISTENING, PICK THAT COTTON OUT OF YOUR EYE AND GET OVER HERE NOW!!!!! I WANT TO SING "ME AND MY SHADOW!!" -He's dead Mr. Sinatra!! -Sammy ain't dead until I say so!!! SAMMY, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF DAT JEW GRAVE AND GET ME A SPLASH OF JACK!!! -Oh God... the opinions of Mr. Frank Sinatra do not reflect the.... -"And nowwww... my end is a rear..and so I raped... the final few childrennnnn..." -OPINIONS OF THE MOP-UP, SCOOPTHIS, OR CHRIS HYATTE...SOMEONE GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!!! -"My depends... I'll state my case... I filled them up... without exemption!!" -oh this is NOT how I thought it would be -"I ATE IT UP!!! AND PUKED IT OUUUTTT!! THE CHECKED SHIRTS SHOOOOOOWWW... I DRESSED LIKE A SHMOOOOO...AND RODE THE HERSHEY... HIIIIIIIIIIIGHWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY" -Goodbye My Sinatra!!! -GOODNIGHT ALL YOU SWINGING HIP CATS!!!! KILL WHITEY!!!! VOTE FOR JACK KENNEDY IN NOVEMBER!!!! OR I'LL HAVE YOU KILLED!! - - - - -Oh thank GOD he's gone. He walked into my closet by accident. It took me a half hour to convince him that he wasn't kidnapped by Martians. -Umm... where were we? -Mark Madden and Scott Hudson switched places. Something to do with the Earth's Gravimetric field shifting. -Vampiro came out. They discussed how Vampiro ripped off both the Undertaker AND Sting the other night by yanking him down from under the ring. Madden specifically said that Vampiro yanked Sting "into the depths of HELL", which is SUCH an F-You to Kane and the Undertaker. What? Russo create that too? -The sad thing is... Bischoff has absolutely NOTHING creative enough for the WWF to rip off. -Vampiro got on the stick. He informed Sting that he knows "nothing" about pain. (uh uh... somebody's been to prison), and even though Sting knows what happened when Vampiro dragged his "tired, bored old ass" underneath the ring, he STILL doesn't know what pain is all about. -Vampiro tasted blood (tasted like Karo syrup and food coloring!) and felt Sting's fear, but that was last night, that was just the... beginning. It was just a taste... a SIP for Vampiro. At Slamboree... Sting will know what it's like to have his humanity STRIPPED!!!! Welcome to VAMPIRO'S Nightmare!!! -Sting's music came on. The lights dimmed. -Sting CRASHED down from the rafters. The lights went back up. He had a baseball bat. -It took only a couple of seconds for Sting to jam vamp in the corner. Pick up the mic, and say, "Vampiro, you look like someone just walked over your GRAAAVE!! And right now I feel like some romping, stomping DESTRUCTIONNNNN", then proceeded to wail the living tar out of him. -It got cool as the Stinger kept the mic and between bat shots he said, "You think I don't know about PAINNN?" *whack* "I learned from the BEST" *whack* "I learned from the Nature Boy!" *whack* "From the Total Package!" *whack* "You are gonna grow up real quick around here, BOYEEEE" *whack*. -He gave Vampiro a Good Old Fashioned Deathdrop. Then announced that he has WCW in his veins, and this is HIS turf. Then he left. -Now THAT'S the Sting I remember. It's been a LOOOONG time coming. -BUT... him going back to the rafter drop is just more evidence to my growing theory that wrestling as a whole is conspiring to drive Bret Hart to suicide. -Sting bitchslapping a young upstart. BOOOYAAAAA -and of COURSE Sting knows about pain! Jesus, anyone remember that movie he was in where he played a waiter and robbed a Quickie mart of all it's Slim Jims? Then he had to SELL IT????? AND PRETEND IT WAS GOOD?? -"Real Reasons Men Commit Crimes"... produced by Eric Bischoff. -Too bad he's too dumb to even give Titan a try. Imagine what Vince could do with him inside a year! -commercials -Moments ago, Hudson talked up the Sting thing. -Backstage, Hogan as hunting for Kidman and Jarrett was bitching to Russo about his opponent. -DDP came out. -Mike Awesome came out. No WCW Announcer mentioned that title Awesome owned just a few short days ago. I wonder what happened to it and who owned the belt now??? -DDP assaulted Awesome in the corner and called Bischoff a "rat bastard" into the camera. Then he threw Awesome into the other corner. Awesome jumped to the second ropes and bounced back with a nice elbow. -Quick pin = quick kick out. -DDP with a modified Cutter, Awesome kicked out. -Tony reminds us that "Ready to Rumble" was still in the theaters. Hurry, because it's out on video on Friday and it debut's on TNT next Monday after Nitro. -Tony and the Announcers declare that from here on out, WCW will outlaw DQ's and countouts in favor for run-ins and massive double team endings. Business as usual for both shows. -Chris Kanyon ran out for Page. Awesome killed him. I officially want to have Awesome's baby. -The Ref the the match out. So much for the NEW WCW. It's so cool to see the Announcers JAM their foot deep down their throats. -Awesome set a table in the ring and was fixing to heap damage unto that Kanyon nitwit. -Then Kevin Nash's music played. Awesome faced the entrance and waited. (sigh... New Blood: Same Morons) -Nash crept up from behind. Awesome was Powerbombed through a table. -Page hugged Nash furiously, Nash reciprocated. Page hugged Kanyon furiously. Nash ignored Kanyon, all is right with the World. -It's nice to see unity within the Millionaires, except for Hogan... yet. -Russo was in the back, promising Jarrett's opponent something. -Tank Abbott was in the building. Madden sweated away a few pounds. It's like emptying a lake with a single glass. -commercials -Buff and Douglas told Okerlund that he was bald. Okerlund was shocked. -Suddenly, Lex Luger charged out and challenged Douglas to a match for tonight with the understanding that if Russo interfered, the tag belts would go to Team package. Lex also called Douglas a "nothing happening wannabe". (Why, Hello there Kettle, I am Pot... you be black!) -Tank Abbott came out. Madden became a female. I'm sure whatever was left of his pee pee that wasn't swallowed by his gut promptly sank deeply into his pelvis. -Tank hit the ring, looked at Madden, and advised the "fat ass" to not even look at him. -Tank then trashed talked Goldberg. He's been to this BBQ before, and he intends to keep his promise and beat up innocent idiots until the pussy decides to show his face. -Tank looked around for a target. The Announcers hightailed it. -Tank stalked. He looked around. Finally, he picked that business guy Madden had earlier compared to Ringo. He yanked him up into a Piledriver position... drove him into the ring, and crawled in after him. -WCW Security charged. Some athlete ran in and pushed Abbott away. I don't know who it was, I don't follow LaCrosse. -Hogan was still looking for Kidman. Terry Taylor ratted the little snot out. -commercials -Russo promised Jarrett something. -Lex Luger fought Shane Douglas until Buff Bagwell came out and accosted Elizabeth. The match spilled outside. A Fan dressed as Sting cheered Douglas's attack. This fan held a bat. No fan in the history of this sport has been allowed to keep a potential weapon on there person while inside the arena. Yet this Sting had a big hunk of wood with him. HOW RETARDED DO THEY THINK WE ARE????? -It was Flair, of course. Russo ended up running out after Luger won by either pinfall or lost by DQ. Russo yelled, "SCREW YOU FLAIR" a few times, then had to hear Douglas and Bagwell bitch him out. I tell ya, that Sinatra thing wore me OUT! -Hogan was heading toward the Humvee. What was once a comic salute to past mistakes now seems dangerously close like a full re-visitation. Next week: The return of GLACIER!!! -commercials -Hogan and Kidman couldn't wait for the spots to end. They were going right at it. Torrie hit Hulk with a hunk of wood. Hulk No sold it and hit her with HIS hunk of wood. Torrie kind of liked it. -Then Hulk grabbed her by the neck and cocked his arm back. Listen carefully and you could hear him sing softly, "I am a real american! Fight for the rights of every man, I am a real american, fight for what's right, fight for my liiiiife" -Kidman grabbed Hogan's arm as it really FLEW for full contact. I may have to become a Hulk-A-Maniac again! -Hogan junked Kidman around a little, then dumped him into a big dumpster. Then he saw Bischoff watching this. He made chase. -Eric ran into the Hummer, but it wouldn't start. So he jumped out and ran on foot. Hogan got in the truck, it started right up, Hulk drove the Hummer right into Dumpster a couple of times. Then backed away and went after Bischoff. I have zero complaints. -commercials -We see Kidman get stretched and loaded. -Jeff Jarrett came out for his match. -His opponent was... -Scott Steiner. Whoa AND ouch. Don't piss him off. -Steiner had some girls with him. Madden called them "Mamacitas"... they should outlaw RAW from being watched by anyone other than Bischoff and Russo. -The match got going. Steiner's power told the tale. -Then he charged at Jarrett into the corner. Jarrett got a boot up and blasted him. -Jarrett went a little Old School on the Juicehead. Dropkicks, sharp moves, basics. -Hudson told us to drop the remote. We will as soon as RAW appears on the screen. -Of course, they are going into overtime. Those two fans of Corey Feldman movies will have to wait 10 F-ing minutes. -Steiner went back to the power, and locked Jarrett into the "Steiner Recliner" -Then Booker T came out and Scissorkicked Steiner. The Ref, who is no longer supposed to CALL DQ'S NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, AS THE ANNOUNCERS KEPT TELLING US FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS... called the DQ. -Booker picked up Jarrett, said, "You welcome, PUNK... and smacked his head down. -back to Hogan, back to hunting down Bischoff on foot., back to... -commercials -KIDS!!! ATTENTION KIDS!!!! DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT BUY THAT JEFF JARRETT SLAP NUTS T-SHIRT. IF YOU ARE CAUGHT IN SCHOOL WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "SLAP NUTS" I PROMISE YOU... I SWEAR TO YOU... YOU WILL BE PANTSED IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL ASSEMBLY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH... LISTEN TO ME!!! DO NOT BUY THAT SHIRT!!!! -Hogan is tearing through the back looking for Bischoff. He chased him into the ring. (oh brilliant Eric... Brilliant) -Hogan gets Eric into the ring. Kicks him in the sack. -Russo walks out with a ballbat. -Bret Hart runs out and shoves by Russo, Bret has a chair. -Bret enters the ring. Hogan sees him and invites Bret to hit Eric. -Bret looks around. Bret thinks things over. -Bret winds up. Bret swings. -Show goes off the air. WHAT??????? Ah, the return of the mighty Bischoff finish. Leave a cliffhanger for next week. It reminds me as to why I preferred RAW. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Still, this ending is nowhere near as weak as the first 30 minutes of RAW which completely re-designed the scope of the company, then switched everything back to normal. Parts of Nitro COOKED. Other parts reeked of Eric's "genius". Plus, Madden can die now. He bites. Parts of RAW cooked. Other parts reeked of ... well, that first 30 minutes reeked. Also, Jericho's clean job to HHH at the end kind of blew the point of the show. STILL, they gave the show to Jericho to test how we respond to him. You have to admit it's a deviation. STILL, this New Blood is not the same old NWO beatdown. The $$$$'s Club came back and came back HARD!!! Respect that. Jericho deserves the rub. RAW wins. But it was a SQUEAKER!! Nasty closer time. You'll really dig it! Short and sweet. No intro really needed. STUFF I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T! -We, as a species, can thank Owls, Snakes, and Cats for helping us develop. If these three animals never existed, Rats and Mice would have overrun the Earth and never have allowed Mankind to get off the ground. -Without the existence of Owls, Snakes, and Cats, right now Rats and Mice would outnumber us by a ratio of Half a BILLION to 1. -The Number One Cause of Death to Pre-Historic Man was the Common Cold. Not because it developed into a Flu. Because the Cold dampens the Senses of Smell and Taste. They couldn't tell if the food they were eating was bad. They died of food poisoning. -Want know why movie studios are so rich? It's because within two years after Movies first came out, over 100 MILLION people went to see them each week. -Thanks to the San Andrea's fault line, Los Angeles and San Francisco get closer to each other each year by 3 inches. -Because of Slavery, 45% of all lifelong White Southerners have distant Black relatives. -The Biggest Conspiracy Theory of the 1800's was that the drunk racist Vice President Andrew Jackson orchestrated the assassination of his President, Abe Lincoln. -So, if your top secret Military Base suddenly became well known, would you stay there? Of course not. Area 51 is now a Tourist Attraction pretending to be a real deal. There's nothing going on over there anymore. They'll still arrest you for trying to sneak in, but it's all for show. -Next time you reach for the Mint Bowl at fine restaurants, think twice. Studies show that those bowls are swimming in piss residue. -Next time you are at a Hotel, be sure NOT to sleep on or under the Heavy quilt spread. They aren't washed after every checkout and are probably loaded with dried Semen Stains. -The average person will consume over 8 pounds of bug shit in their lifetime. -The "Cult Awareness Network", is run by Scientologists. -Anything you see, hear, smell, feel, or taste is completely different from what anyone else sees hears, feels, smells, or tastes. -Johann Sebastian Bach had 58 Professional musicians in his immediate family. -There are more Navajo Indians in the United States today than they ever were before. Yes, that means even the time before the White man found this place. -Chimpanzees are most adept at learning English and Chinese words. -George Washington's Mother was clinically insane, -A day on the Earth gets 1 second longer every 500 years -Every year, the Moon moves farther away from the Earth. -When the Secret Service isn't protecting the President, their other major job is to track and control Counterfeit Money scams. These are their two major functions. No other Federal Agency handles this. -Seeing Eye dogs do not look at the traffic light to know when to go. They look at the traffic. -If you are in Turkey and need to purchase an AK-47, it will cost you 1 chicken. -4 out of 10 Priests join the Church because they think that the power of God can help them overcome their "unusual" sexual preferences. -Count your lucky stars. In the 1950's an asteroid roughly the size of France would have smashed into the Pacific Ocean. By chance, it had a side on collision with another asteroid and was deflected completely off path. Since we were currently sweating out the Cuban Missile Crisis at the time, NASA felt that we'd probably be better off not knowing how close we were to annihilation. -The biggest, baddest, toughest, deadliest army in civilization were the Spartans from Roman Times. They lived, breathed, ate, drank, and crapped war. The entire country of Sparta was one giant training camp. They were so badass, that they dyed their clothes red so no blood would show when they were wounded. -The thing is, the Spartans believed that women were only used for reproduction. They banged them quickly, and with no pleasure, They preferred to take pleasure in the arms of their warrior comrades. In short, the nastiest warriors to ever walk this planet were an Army of FAGS. If you're wondering where I got all this stuff, I couldn't tell you. I have this amazing memory and I pick up stuff I read, or hear on the radio, or TV. It just sticks with me. I can vouch for 95% of the stuff as legit. The rest is logical enough to have faith in it's truth. This is the first time I've done a month's worth of columns in a row since... September? Holy cow! To be honest, I'm having fun again. It's been a while. That's right, I'm being reflective... you got a problem with that? Well guess what, it doesn't matter... because the column ends right about... Now. This is Hyatte