Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the April 17 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Tazz came out. I'll tell you right now, he will NEVER piddle away a job out to Mike Awesome ever again. Of course, chances are he'll never fight Mike Awesome again either." Me... last week. D'OH!!!! I'm Chris and this is the Mop Madness. Things, things, and some stuff to kickstart the festivities. First off... will DAN RADICE PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME!!! DAN RADICE, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME!!!! MUCHO IMPORTANTE!! If the above statement about Tazz and Awesome, (which, naturally, some smartass saw fit to remind everyone about on the Mailboard) proved anything, it proved that I was a very smart man 2+ years ago when I unequivocally stated that I do NOT do PREDICTIONS. Now we see why. BUT... since it was reported that Paul Heyman orchestrated the idea of Tazz returning on the Thursday of the show, and the Mop-Up was posted on Wednesday... isn't it possible that someone in ECW read this column, read that sentence, and a lightbulb flashed over their head? Isn't it possible? ISN'T IT??? F-You. It most certainly IS possible. I once heard that Tommy Dreamer likes my work... of course, that's when I was at that "other site". So it's possible. Not probable, but quite possible. CAN'T YOU LET ME KEEP MY DREAMS??? AFTER I'VE GIVEN YOU SO MUCH???? Onwards, I had a whole plan about orchestrating a huge e-mail flame out of Mark Madden, starting with revealing an e-mail address that he isn't giving out. Unfortunately, Zimmerman beat me to the punch and threw out the e-mail addy last week. Plus, someone I respect advised me not to do it because Madden truly LOVES hate mail and gets off on it. Although I'm quite sure I could get under his skin BIG time if I really tried, I'd just as soon drop it altogether. So, if you want to trash him around a little, you can write to mwmadden@hotmail.com . Thanks to all who gave me this address anyway. IF you write to him, remember all the times he said that RAW was a success because Vince is the most over guy in the company? Ask him then why Nitro made ZERO headway against RAW during the 7 weeks that the most over guy was NOT on the air and it was the HHH/Stephanie show! MY e-mail is the same as it's always been, by the way... glorydog@msn.com MY ICQ # is 20750435 too. If you see me online, be warned, if I am brusque with you, chances are I'm busy macking on some 15 year old. Possibly female, but I'm open. You can add ANOTHER "web guy" who's address and home phone number I have gotten my hands on. Making the grand total to three. Ryder, Isaacs, and... heh heh heh. Well, let's just say he hung up on me midway through my rant about how I plan on making his life a living Hell. Yes, it's exactly who you think it is. But since I'm interested in killing this stupid feud once and for all, I'll hang onto it and let him sweat. Umm, let's make this a quick week for the openers and kill them here. This week's Closer is JAMMED PACKED with meaningless facts that I know and you don't. These tidbits will get you nowhere in life, but ALL are decent topics of conversation for mellow times, especially when there's a bong involved. Oh, and Frank Sinatra makes an appearance in the Nitro recap. Oh (2), and somewhere in this RAW recap, the ScoopThis debut/ Mop-Up return of CARNAC!!! That's enough to keep you reading, I think. If nothing I've teased appeals to you, then you might as well take off. It's all I've got this week. I think their gangbusters, but you can't please EVERYONE. Rat jap bastards. RAW IS WAR: (or: Admit it, you popped right along with the rest of us idiots when you heard the name) -Opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger". Were their any justice in the world, and Evolution veered right instead of left, Lee Majors would have been Walker and Chuck Norris would be on "Maury" explaining why it went all downhill after "Code of Silence". ("I was the top action star in the world, Maury. Then that incoherent ‘Kraut from Austria said "I'll be back" and everything changed!") -opening theme -We got us some fans, and some fireworks. Lots of fireworks. Reminds me of ‘Nam. Suddenly, I remember watching Sean Penn brutally rape a young Vietnamese girl. She couldn't have been older than 18. Dear God... what do I do? Do I rat out my Unit and risk getting fragged? Or do I stay silent and let guilt run my subconscious?? Oh the dilemma, oh the dilemma. -Oh yeah, I told them. ratted them right out. Don't worry, you don't have to kill me. You see, I told them... and they don't CARE!!!!!!!! -We are at Penn State University. SEAN PENN UNIVERSITY???? OH MY GOD!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, HE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE!!!!!! -I'm amazed that photographers are even allowed here. Sean Penn doesn't take kindly to having his picture taken, in case you forgot. -Actually, Howard Stern made a good point last week, and since that dumb FU*K Mancow made an ass out of himself on the last WCW PPV (someone tell "the Cow" to get off the Coke and hit a gym for once in his worthless life), now would be a good time to bring up a REAL Radio God. Stern said that you NEVER hear about Penn anymore now that he married Robin Wright and had some kids. So, maybe all his problems with the press really stemmed from his FIRST Wife, that Madonna bimbo? Maybe SHE was the real nutjob? -Did you hear all those boos and yawns from the Chicago crowd after Mueller said that he was fighting "for Chicago"? Oh yeah, he's the next big thing. Uh uh. Right. -Jim Ross showed no emotional distress from Vince Russo telling him to "kiss his ass" an hour ago. Perhaps, he will retaliate later in the broadcast. I guess it depends on how I... I mean HE feels. -He DID say that we were kicking off things with a "HUGE, JUAN ON JUAN ENCOUNTER!!!!" (Whoa? Gay Mexican Porn on basic cable?? NITRO SHMITRO... THIS IS WHERE FLAVOR COUNTRY IS BABY!!!!!!!!) -Oh, I was wrong... it's Chris Jericho vs Triple H. Opening things up? And we are really expected to buy that line about how "putting a lab coat on someone from ‘Suddenly Susan' does NOT make the show ‘ER'?" WCW is RED HOT and the WWF is SCRAMBLING FOR THE BUCKETS OF WATER!!!!!!!!!!! MCMAHON IS IN A TAILSPIN AND BISCHOFF'S BACK TO LIGHTING HIS STOGIES WITH $100 BILLS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! -Y2J ticker. Ross says that HHH demanded this match for "honor of his Wife". (aw Hell, of all the weeks to stop watching "Jakked", I pick this one...AND LOOK AT WHAT IMPORTANT ANGLE I MISSED!!!!!) -Explosion, theme song, Jericho comes out. Ross says that he trashed Triple H's wife and Torrie at "Smackdown". (oh, well I ALWAYS skip "Smackdown". I ain't missing "Daddio" for ANYTHING!!!!) -When did they re-unite HHH and Chyna and WHEN DID THEY GET MARRIED????? -and "Charmed"... you have to watch "Charmed". You've never seen anyone get so ragged out as Shannon Doherty has in just a few short years. -of course... from time to time, it's also GEIGER HOUR!!!!!!! GEIGER RULES BABY!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!! -He USED to rule, anyway. He kind of sucks this season. Only David E. Kelly can do Patinkin any justice. -Backstage, HHH assures Stephanie that he will properly tune up Jericho for besmirching her good name and will do "what any good Husband" is expected to do. Then he knocked her in the face and told her to clean up this pig sty of a dressing room. (you GO BOYEEE). -oh, so he DIDN'T diss Chyna again. Isn't it odd that he would jump right from a feud with Chyna to a feud with HHH? -Jericho takes the mic out of Lillian Garcia's hand. Her hand automatically went to her crotch, Jericho is THAT handsome. -He welcomed us to RAW is Jericho. Then said that he went and got himself into trouble yet "agayne". -He admitted to calling Stephanie a "bargain basement sluUUT". -He also admitted to calling her a "the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgustingly skankiest, brutal, bottom feeding, trashbag Ho" he has ever...EVVVER seen in his life. (Boy obviously never met my Mother) -He wanted to apologize to ALL the Bargain basement sluts and the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgustingly skankiest, brutal, bottom feeding, trashbag Hoes ("Cut and Paste"...I LOVE you) that he might have offended by comparing her to them. -In fact, he said that he didn't mean to offend ANYBODY, other than "Stephy baby". -Out came HH with H on the heels. Shane McMahon was with him, along with "el booty gordo" herself. No time wasted posing at the ramp, he power walked to the ring. -Jericho jumped out of the ring, still holding the mic. More pearls await dropping. -First, he requested that HHH turn this into a World Title Match, thus confounding the millions of rubes like me who just assumed it was a title match already. -Of course, HHH accepted. Jim Ross blurted something about new blood fighting blood in the prime of it's career and then said that Inbred Sister Fornicating Jarrett couldn't hang with either of these athletes. Then he farted on mic. -Upon securing the title shot, Jericho said that in order to insure a good clean fight, he has gone ahead and hired someone to watch over things and make sure nobody interferes. -The Acolytes came out. Ross assumed that they were there to make sure nobody interfered (way to go out on a limb there, JR). -Then he assumed that he was no longer the fattest guy to sit behind a table on Monday Nights. (well, unless you count Web Masters all over the world, and in Ohio) -The match began. Jericho stunned HHH with his unique wrestling style. Being so used to working against similar weight classes, HHH was caught off guard by Jericho's lighter approach. Meanwhile, all this "PWI" style of reporting has left me quite ill and ashamed with myself. -Jericho tries a baseball slide, Hunter dodges and catches him outside. -Jericho is back in the ring. He jumps to the second turnbuckle, and drop-kicks HHH in the face on the ring apron, HHH goes down hard, all the while screaming, "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUU...??" -Lawler claimed to have a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ross shot back, "Well, now you know how all those 14 year old felt after you told them to swallow!!!!" Lawler asked Ross who pissed in his Coffee? -HHH's guile and experience gets him control yet again. He stomps him in the corner. -The crowd chanted something, then clapped several times to keep the beat. My keen ears told me that it was "SEND HOME ELIAN *clap clap clapclapclap* SEND HOME ELIAN!!!" (NOOOO you idiots. KEEP HIM HERE!! I LOVE it when we get all high and mighty with some snot faced Country. KEEP THE BRAT AND TELL FIDEL TO SUCK IT!!!!! -Back outside, Jericho was tossed into some steps. -Y'know, HHH has come a long way from the days of the 3 minute job out to the Ultimate Warrior. -Jericho started to bleed from the mouth. Suddenly, it's an AIDS Death Match. -Jericurl recovers. A second rope Missile Dropkick almost secured the pin. -HHH goes for the Pedigree. Jericho turns it into a Walls of Jericho. -HHH fights, Jericho propels him into the Ref. The Ref went down. -Jericho to the top rope. Shane pushes him off. The Acolytes run go after him. Stephanie throws the WWF title into the ring. -Jericho uses the belt and knocks down HHH. He goes for the pin, but there is no Referee. -Senior Referee Earl Hebner runs in and goes for the count. HHH kicks out. -HHH realizes that Hebner is in the ring and argues with him. Ross reminds us that they are currently playing out an angle dealing with Hebner and his maverick, non-conforming to the orders of the Boss, plays things FAIR AND SQUARE, ways. Ross conveniently forgot to mention that it was Hebner who was the only man on the Planet who heard Bret Hart give up in Montreal. -HHH shoves Hebner. Hebner shoves him right back. HHH hits Hebner. Hebner goes down. -HHH turns around and eats a Jericho side thrust kicky thing. HHH goes down. Jericho lays on top of him. Hebner does a fast count. Jericho wins the match. Jericho wins the title. -Jericho wins the World Title? Funny, I thought HHH was Jewish? -No, that wasn't a dis on Jewish folks. If you give it some thought, it's hilarity at it's finest. -Jericho celebrates with the Acolytes as HHH's mouth goes into a large, almost perfect circle... almost as if he's USED to wrapping his lips around something... oh maybe not. -Ross freaked out over this title change, then screamed, "I APPROVED THIS!!! I APPROVED THIS!!!! KISS MY FAT ASS YOU NEW YORK PILLOW BITER!!!!! I GAVE THIS THE A-OK!!!!!!!" -commercials "Gladiator", a action packed re-telling about how millions (hundreds) of Catholics were tossed to the Lions for some Roman Combat. It's OUR "Schindler's List" with Kid Rock on the soundtrack and no Liam Nieson in sight. -Farm Club (or, according to Eminem, "It's the Motherfu**ing Farm Club") features lots of different bands from Ska all the way to Rap. I'll say it now and end all debates... Gwen Stephano of "No Doubt" is FUGLY. -Footage of this amazing title match which was booked MONTHS ago and has NOTHING to do with the New Era of WCW. And if you believe THAT, then I have some Internet Website IPO's that you might be interested in. -Backstage, HHH wants Hebner, Hebner wants nothing to do with HHH, a pile of Refs want to stop both of them, and Patterson just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? -HHH grabs Hebner and physically manhandles him back to the ring. He applies the Half Nelson as he walks. The Half Nelson. Who the HECK uses the Half Nelson anymore?? -Who the HECK says "heck" anymore? -For that matter, how come nobody uses the FULL NELSON ANYMORE??? Ken Patera, Billy Jack Haynes, and Superstar Billy Graham in that Military Zen Monkey Phase he used back in Florida... HAS THE DREAM OF THE FULL NELSON DIED WITH THE GHOSTS FROM THE PAST???? (now, people, you just don't SEE this kind of Old School coming out of ANYONE else). -Kenny P was BAD, back in the day. He gave Bob Backlund MAJOR headaches. Then he pitched a Boulder threw a Mickey Dees and it all went downhill from there. -Shane held Heb as HHH and Stephanie entered the ring. The crowd chanted "FOLEY, FOLEY"... didn't he die? -HHH got on the mic and told Hebner that he just screwed him out of the title. Shane Mac read my mind and put Hebner in a FULL Nelson. (Oh yes, Shane is old enough to remember watching Patera swat Patterson around the ring like the Old Bitch he is and becoming the second man to hold the IC title. That's right, this Netcop don't know SHIT!!!) -The "Official" Ref, Mike Ciota, was in the ring. HHH had him watch the count Hebner made. Then he made him admit that it was the fastest count he ever saw and that HHH was summarily "screwed" AND "jobbed out". -HHH had Ciota use his unbiased judgment and tell everyone that it was a fast count. -Ciota thought it over, wrestled with his own moral code, frantically searched his memories for the lines he was supposed to utter, then stumbled out the fact that it was a fast count and told earl that he screwed Triple H. -HHH thanked him very much, then told him to take off. Ciota took off, knowing full well that he just trampled over any and all speaking roles he might ever receive again. -back to the ring, Shane held Heb firm. Heb's face got all red, then purple, then blue. He gasped, "my heart... ACK" Shane let him go and screamed, "UNCLE EARLY????" Hebner kicked Shane in the balls and tried to run. HHH caught him. Shane recovered and held him tighter. This might be true, it might be false... you'll just have to actually WATCH THE SHOW NEXT TIME!!!!! LOSER!!!!!!!!! -HHH wanted Earl to say to the whole world, and to the idiots here in the building, (they booed... come on people, face up to it), that he is reversing the decision and the belt stays around Triple Hachez' waist. -Hebner said "NO". -Shane grabbed him again. Hebner screamed, "HOLDITHOLDITHOLDITHOLDIT". Stephanie looked at him, shrugged her shoulders, knelt down, and opened Heb's fly. Shane barked, "NO!!! NOT THAT YOU STUPID, ADOPTED TWIT!!!!". -Earl took the mic and said that he WOULD reverse the decision if, and ONLY if nobody TOUCHES him as long as he is a WWF Referee for as long as he LIFE (sigh...what line reading... there goes Hebner's shot at "American Beauty 2") -Earl will do it so long as NOBODY harms him EVER again. -HHH verbally repeats it, just to set the record straight and to make sure we hear the part about this agreement applying only while Hebner remains a WWF employee. -Shane takes the mic and says, "so long as you ARE A WWF OFFICIAL???" -Stephanie, "SO LONG AS YOU KEEP GETTING A CHECK FROM THE WWF RIGHT???" -HHH agrees. Then orders Hebner backstage to get the WWF belt off "that sawed off midget, Chris Jericho" (should'a called him a "Vanilla Midget", since this whole story was strictly for WCW to stick up their collective asses and set on "liquefy") -Ross said that "this is History in the making. This has NEVER happened before." Then wondered if this was REALLY Earl Hebner and not some impostor who had plastic surgery done to make him LOOK like Earl Hebner. Paranoia consumed Ross as he ran away with the idea and loudly berated Helmsley for going to such unbelievable LENGTHS TO GET HIS TITLE BACK!!!!!! -Lawler calmed Ross down by saying, "JR, get a hold of yourself. Plastic surgery? An Evil Hebner? The WWF wouldn't go THAT far!!!" -Jericho met Hebner halfway as HHH told everyone in the building that this match never happened. Wasn't this WCW's excuse for the past 3 months? -Jericho had a mic and told HHH to shut the "Hell" up. He asked HHH if he expects him to give up the belt because the match "never took place"? -HHH nodded - He asked HHH if he expects him to give up the belt because these Jerichoholics never saw him beat his ass in the middle of the ring? -HHH nodded -Jericho guessed that we could all buy that, and he guessed it was also true that his wife, Stephanie, didn't sleep with half the boys in that locker room either? (oh MAN!! Vince is one sick, sick bastard. Jesus, even I wouldn't le..let....hee hee hee HAAA HAAA HAA... I'm sorry, but even I couldn't say that line with a straight face. -Jericho handed the belt to Hebner, and took off quietly. Hebner re-entered the ring and handed the belt over. HHH told Earl to put the belt around his waist. Earl proceeded to do so. HHH, "Not around YOUR waist, you moron, MY waist." -Hebner did so. -HHH wasn't finished. He told Heb that he was a man of his word and so long as earl was a WWF Official, NOBODY will ever lay a hand on him again. -and with that, and to the surprise of absolutely NO ONE WITH AN OUNCE OF BRAINS... COME ON PEOPLE!!! DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! -Hunter fired Earl, knocked him down, and gave him the Pedigree. -Ross reminded us that earl has a family, AND he is a Human being. Then declared that Hunter should be fired himself, and sent to Puerto Fuecko to work in Labor camps sewing up all those nifty WWF t-shirts and tote bags. -Then Ross said Hunter's parents were never married. -Then Ross added that the only thing he saw Vince Russo write was fake Visas for several Mexican Hookers he used to pick up in Tijuana. -This whole ordeal, which finally resulted in everything staying exactly the same, lasted 30 minutes. It's almost like I was completely suckered out of 30 minutes of my life. This is now a 90 minute show. They should print up T-shirts that say, "APRIL 17TH, THE DAY THE WORLD CHANGED, THEN COLLAPSED UPON ITSELF AND REVERTED BACK TO NORMAL. -It's like finding a bag of $100 bills. Thinking, "Oh boy, I'm RICH" Then having the FBI storm in your house, take the bag out of your hands, tell you that you won't be arrested because you didn't spend any of it, but you get no reward because you didn't turn it in, then leaving... all in 30 minutes. I feel so... so... JIPPED!!!! -commercials -backstage, Chyna made Eddie Guerrero leave his GED studies in order to go work a match. Eddie's Spanish accent as vaulted deep into "Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western Mode"... maybe Eddie should have road out the Sullivan era... hmm? -My God, Eddie has morphed into Freddie Prinze! No, NOT Junior... his old man. -moments ago, time rushed by and we have nothing to show for it. (Heh, that's my life story) -Linda McMahon arrives in a Limousine. She is greeted and hugged by Patterson and Brisco. Just let it go, people. -The Hardy Boyz came out. Neither of these Boyz looked like Cuba Gooding Jr, Morris Chestnut, OR Ice Cube. Stick Matt in a Tanning Booth for two weeks and you MIGHT get Omar Epps... MAYBE! -Essa Rios and his wife Lita came out. Oh, I LOVE the babes with ugly hunks of Ink on their bodies. Tells me that they like it in the seat. -Chyna came out with Eddie Guerrero. Chyna has dropped the giant Dildo gimmick. Chyna has bangs. God DAMN... nothing drives me crazier than a chick with BANGS. I LOVE bangs. Girls with bangs are so...so... young... fresh... innocent. Little girls. 10 years old. No, make that 8 years old... naah better make it 10, I'm not a sicko. With bangs. Oh God. So young, so hairless. Bangs. Com'ere little girl, I got you a candy bar. Just for you. Ohh yeah... awww... ummm. -Eddie's shirt says, "VA-CHYNA"... must be Spanish for something. -Why did they dump that Chyna as a wrestler program? She was holding up. -Eddie and Essa displayed some AWESOME double teaming. The controlled the match early on. -Chyna gave Jeff an Uppercut Forearm on the outside. -Lawler proclaimed Eddie to be the greatest European representative they have ever had. Ross said "Even the Bulldog?" Y'know, back in the day, Vince would have NEVER allowed his Announcers to publicly make fun of the audacity of a title before... and believe me, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan must have held MAJOR tongue during the year plus IC reign of the Honky Tonk Man. -Honky Tonk Man. Pro: Was an excellent heel with a Gimmick that he MADE work. Con: Having Steamboat job the belt to him offended EVERY sensibility I ever had. -The Hardys took it and sent both Mejas flying with some hard bumps. -Essa with a BEAUTIFUL Moonsault on Jeff. -Eddie sent Essa into the corner. Essa flipped head over heels OVER the corner, and straight down into Matt's head. One day, someone's neck is going to snap in two in front of EVERYONE... and I'll be right there to make horrible jokes about it 3 weeks later after some time off to "recover" from it. -Eddie set the other Hardy up for Lita, but she Moonsaulted Eddie instead. Then Eddie took a "Twist of Fate" and the Hardy's won. -Chyna got into the ring, yelled a lot, and powerbombed Essa Rios. I was too busy staring at those incredible tits. I'm sorry. -If Chyna's a man, THEN I'M GOING FAG!!!!!!!!!!!! SEW UP THOSE BUNGHOLES KIDS, HYATTE'S JOINING UP THE PINK TEAM!!!! -Eddie ended up wrapping himself around Chyna's leg. Later he was seen with a black eye. Need an Atlas? -Backstage, Shane enters Linda's "room". Linda was busy with a lap top computer and some written notes. Shane wanted to know what she was doing there and why she isn't in England with Vince. Linda said she came to make an important announcement about the Rock. She refused to divulge any more information. -commercials -Backstage, Stephanie and HHH send Shane back to Mom to pump her for more information. Stephanie, and I SWEAR TO GOD, said, "Use Chyna's Rocket launcher if you have to." (sick frickin' family) -TAZZ came out with the ECW World Championship. Ross proudly boasted that he won it by defeating the "ECW champion in under 3 minutes." Not ONCE did he mention exactly WHOM the champion was. Which, is the most Professional way to go, but I'm sure that the Message Boards will be LIT UP with marks bitching about it. -Mike Awesome showing up on Nitro, under the stip that the WCW Announcers must be respectable to ECW? Check -Vince allowing Heyman to use Tazz once more to take Awesome out? Check MATE. -5 years ago, Vince would have never okayed this. THIS is what I mean by how he won't let Bischoff get away with ANYTHING without a fight. -This is a 3 way dance for the Hardcore belt. -Perry Saturn came out. He walked to the ring slowly, enjoying every swaggering step of his "Don't F with Me, Fanboy" stride. -Crash Holly ran up behind him and clipped him with a Cookie Tray, Saturn's eyes straightened out as he went down. His "Don't F with Me, Fanboy" stride, ruined. -Holly and Tazz went at it. Saturn got in and went right for Holly... (NOBODY F'S WITH THE STRIDE... NOBODY!!!!!!) -This match moved along nicely. Everyone exchanged punches and Tray shots. No other weapon was used. As usual, Crash looked more out of place than Dave Scherer at a Britney Spears concert (alas... I pray those were ONLY rumors). -Hardcore Holly ran out with another Ref. He got his hands on Crash and the 24/7 rule came into play. -Tazz caught Saturn in his Chokehold. (a GERMAN INZEGURI CHOKEHOLD!! SUCKLE ME!!!!) Crash ran in and stopped that. Hardcore ran in and it became a four way for all of two seconds, long enough for Hardcore to Suplex Saturn, eat a Crash dropkick, then roll around as Crash scored the pinfall and kept his title. -Crash ran, Tazz walked, Saturn walked, Hardcore stood in the ring, wondering what happened to his life. -Backstage, Shane DEMANDED to know what his Mother was up to. Linda said that he would find out along with EVERYONE... right after these... -commercials -earlier today, Kurt Angle was walking around Penn State preaching abstinence to the Co-eds. He was wearing a Cardboard sign that read "OLYMPIC HEROES FOR ABSTINENCE"... or "OHPA" on one side and "ORAL TESTS, NOT ORAL SEX" on the other. Of course, mention another girl's names mid-mouthful and the REAL test will be how many times you have to hit her before she stops biting... try THAT test there, Sporto. -Of course, you should NEVER hit a woman. But man... if she's BITING YOUR PEE PEE OFF... F THE RULES... F-MORALITY.. YOU START SWINGING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!!!!!! BECAUSE IF SHE GETS IT OFF, THERE WILL BE NO TOMORROW!!!!! -The irony is, there isn't a co-ed on that campus, other than the HARDEST of the Hard Core Bull Dykes, that wouldn't choose Angle over the would be studs on that place. -Linda McMahon was in the ring, ready for another line reading that'll send us ALL to Nitro faster than you can say "menopause". -Linda starts off by reminding us that the Rock has a match with HHH at the next PPV, but her problem is that the deck is stacked against Rocky. -You see, Vince will be in HHH's corner. -Plus, Stephanie will maneuver herself around the ring in order to "aid and abed her husband" (Abed? She's gonna bang HHH on LIVE TV????? JEEZUS, MURRAY AND YOSEPH!!!!!! THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST PPV OF ALL TIME!!!!) -Oh, I know... it sucked. Nobody is putting a gun to your head. Feel free to leave at anytime. -Therefore, Linda feels that the Rock is outnumbered. Now, even though the Rock hasn't asked for any help, after seeing what happened tonight and at Wrestlemania, she decided to act on her own and put someone in the Rock's corner herself to even the odds a little bit. -Lawler's imagination took over and he started with the "Oh no, please no..." -A few fans started chanting Foley's name. -Linda quickly said that Mick took a lot of crap for coming out of retirement so early, so he's still chilling in Florida throwing his Son off the roof and onto a bed of nails, (Gotta start early kiddo, off ya' go!!!) -No, the very special individual who will have the Rock's back in two weeks, and it is Linda's great pleasure to announce that in the Rock's corner will be none other than... -She pauses. She can't emote to save her life, but she damn sure knows how to tease the crowd. No wonder Vince sounded like he was going to explode during all those years of calling matches! -WHO IS IT LINDA???? DAMMIT!! -My God... IT'S OWEN HART!!!!! I KNEW IT WAS ALL A WORK!!!!!!! -(oy, can we beat that joke to death any more?) -IT'S BOBBY DUNCUM JR!!!! HE HAD TO DIE IN ORDER TO GET OUT OF HIS WCW CONTRACT!!!!!!! -IT'S BOBBY HEENAN!!! DEAR CHRIST, AL ISAACS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!! GOD CAN TAKE ME NOW BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! -IT'S MIKE AWESOME!!!! IT'S THE TRIPLE SCREWJOB OF THE CENTURY!!!! ONLY RYDER AND SCHERER KNEW ABOUT IT AND THEY HAD TO KEEP IT QUIET!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS THOSE MAGNIFICENT (andold) BASTARDS!!!! -No, she said... "Stone Cold Steve AUSTIN!!!!" -The crowd... in a word... FREAKED -As did I. -As did you. Come on now. It's okay. -Kinda missed the Big Lug, didn't ya'? -Ross, of course, lost it. "STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! THE RATTLESNAKE IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!!! STONE COLD IS COMING TO BA...." -Then Ross got very, very quiet. -Suddenly, we hear Lawler shout, "CLEAR!!" -The lights in the building, and the camera, flicker off a little, as if a great power surge went through the grids. -Ross finished, "ACK TO BACKLASH!!!!!!!!" -Lillian Garcia was happy with this news. I wonder why? -Boy, I'll say she was happy. There was a puddle on the mat where she stood. -HHH, Stephanie, and Shane marched out. No doubt the Yokels now expected Austin to stomp on out sometime between now and the end of the show. Uh uh, it doesn't work like that. We MIGHT get him at the end of next week's show... maybe. -They surrounded Linda. Stephanie took the mic and lectured Linda on what "unfair" is really all about. (My God, the girl wasn't given her own Gold Card until she turned 7, LET STEPHANIE TELL YOU WHAT ABUSE IS ALL ABOUT!!!!!) -Stephanie reminded her Mother about the time she slapped her in the face. JR, "Oh come on young lady, THAT'S YOUR MOMMA!!!!!" (Momma? Oh come now, like Stephanie wasn't raised by a slew of Housekeepers, Nannies, and Uncle Pat her whole life!) -Stephanie said that the theme of tonight's show was changing one's mind, she gave Linda the opportunity to change her mind. -Linda said, "NOOOO", ahh...I haven't heard a woman say that with such force since my Wedding night. -Stephanie said that since Linda won't change HER mind.... blah blah blah...this'll hurt you more than it hurts me... yadda yadda yadda... -Stephanie swung, Linda blocked, Linda swung, Linda hit, Stephanie went down. -Linda cupped her hands to her mouth and acted visibly shocked. It was her finest performance. -HHH and Shane stood around all in disarray. Ross screamed that the taste (as well as a gobful of something pearly white, if I'm not mistaken), was slapped out of Stephanie's mouth) -Stephanie shouted, "GET HER!!" -HHH grabbed Linda, put HER HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND HOOKED HER ARMS!!! (Jeeze... this is NASTY.) -Shane clipped HHH in the head. HHH released Linda. Shane helped Linda get out of the ring. -HHH and Shane tussled with Stephanie caught in the middle, (Is Ron Jeremy writing this shit or WHAT?). Stephanie slapped both of them. -Suddenly, "IF YOU SMELLLLLL" -Rocky came out. My God. I don't know if I said this before, and I don't care if it makes me look fruity, but that is one HANDSOME boy! -The Rock took a few moments to wait for the crowd to calm and to soak up the vibes. -He said, "Now before you two Jabronies start playing ‘Ali and Frazier', and the Referee being played by that Prostitute-In-Training..." (Yeesh, it's not her night) -The Rock had a statement to make. You see, when he woke up this morning, he was feeling GREAT (must be a Cokehead). He was feeling Great because he knew he had a title match all lined up at "Backlash". The Rock was ALL SORTS of cool with this. -But NOW... after hearing Linda McMahon's announcement, the Rock says that what was once a GREAT situation just got... (pausetoteasethefactthat Rockyiscockierthan pattersonatabackstreetboys concertandyesIamwellawarethatI referencedtwoteenybopper bubblegumbperformersinthesameconcert andIdontcarenowyoucanhappilygofornicate yourclosestlivingrelative)... better! -Big Pop... because the crowd loves it when the babyfaces respect each other. -Y'see, now it's going to be Triple H, with Vince in his corner, and the Rock with Austin 3:16!! (I missed that phrase too... Goddammit). -Now, the World knows about the Rock and Stone Cold's history together. That they have had moments when they don't see eye to eye. But the one thing they both agree on, the one thing that they both clearly see, is that HHH is the "biggest asshole walking God's green Earth!" (hmmph, would'a thought Jerry Lewis had that honor) -Ross claimed that you could feel the tension in the building. I blame Jesse Jackson. -The Wrap rocked up. Ross reminded us that the return of Austin warrants hyperbole up into Biblical levels. -commercials -footage of everything we just saw. Are we into the second hour yet? -Roskie and Lawskie said Hi into the camera. -Backstage, Michael Cole was berated, verbally accosted, and pretty much humiliated by one of Hunter's less than thrilled to be alive at the moment rants. Turns out DX will fight Jericho and the Acolytes tonight for the main event. I guess we're gonna see if Jericho can run with the headliners. -The Dudley Boys took on Al Snow and Steve Blackman. The Dudley's lost due to T & A. Buh Buh got his hand on Trish Stratus's hair and kind of yanked her around. D-Von set up the table. Trish gave every friggin' loser on the Internet a glimmer of hope and a hardon the size of Montana by kissing Buh Buh until he let go. Buh Buh watched with that creepy stare as she walked away with her team (He acts like he writes for Wrestleline). Lawler swore he saw tongue. -I made this recap quick just so I can bring in the ScoopThis debut of... CARNAC!!!!!! -And now, it's time once again for a visit from a... Traveler from the East. The All Knowing, All Seeing, Sage, Soothsayer, and the man who introduced Rocky Maivia to his first Monkey's ass, here is CARNAC: THE MAGNIFICENT!!! -Thank you, thank you. Hello? -Yes, oh Great One? -Seems a little... less crowded here. -We have switched web sites, your Illuminence -You left SCOOPS? -Yes, Oh Wise One --for that PARODY SITE?? -That is correct, Sir. -F**k me. I go away for a few months and you screw it all up. Leaving SCOOPS for that site nobody goes to and everybody laughs at. -Forgive me, Mighty One, but what is wrong with ScoopThis? -ScoopThis? -Yes, Great One. -Oh shit... I thought you jumped to Rantsylvania. Forgive Carnac for that foolish outburst. -Of Course, My Lord. -When I heard "parody of a wrestling website", I just figured... -No, explanation necessary, Your Eminence -LET'S GET ALONG WITH THE BIT!! -Yes, SIR. I hold in my hand two envelopes. If a child of four was actually witnessing this, instead of reading about it on a web site, he could see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar on Funk and Wagner's porch since noon today, NO ONE has seen the contents within these envelopes, but the Great Carnac... with your mysterious abilities, will be able to divulge the answers within. Are you ready... CARNAC??? -Yes I am. May I have the first envelope? -The first envelope. Hermetically sealed. -Carnac requires complete silence. -Carnac often gets complete silence. -Oh you fat piece of... -Funk and Wagner's porch -*Carnac places envelope on forehead* -One Green Apple -One... GREEN... APPLE -*rip... poof* -What does Tom Green feel when he goes downtown to scratch? -HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHEEYOOOOOO -The second envelope -THE SECOND ENVELOPE!!! SEALED UP LIKE A MOTHERF**K -*Carnac places envelope to his forehead* -She steals stuff. -She steals stuff. -*rip... poof* -What's the only problem with dating a Puerto Rican? -HOHOHOHOHOHOHO HIYOOOOOOOO -I hold in my hand the LAST envelope -*riotous cheering* -May your only son run to the bathroom with a lump in his crotch after watching Mark Madden roll around shirtless. -KAAAHOHOHOHOHOHOHO..GAY AS A 3 DOLLAR BILL, OH GREAT ONE! -May your star writer split and leave you left with a bunch of unknowns. -HIYOOOO -May the audience get sick of your "New Era" twice as fast as they got sick of your "Old Era" -YESSS! -May the worst nightmare you've ever had get your home address and phone number -HAHAHAHAHAHAA... YESSSS! -*Carnac places envelop to his forehead* -She steals Ovens. -She steals Ovens. -*rip... poof* -What's the only problem with dating a Puerto Rican German? -HAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHO HIYOOOOO!!! -THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!! -GOODBYE CARNAC!!! GOODBYE!!!! -Whew... even edited, that was a long one. -Earlier, on campus, Kurt Angle gave two kids necking a Lollipop to suck on. The girl had short hair. Ick. I hate girls with short hair. Bleegch. -commercials -Scotty Too Hotty danced out alone. Jerry Lawler said that "Fram" wanted to know when was the last time we changed our air filters? Sorry, but I don't wear underwear; unless I need to hide the bleeding. -Dean Malenko came out. This is for the Light Heavyweight title. They are going to build the entire LH division around Dino... AND IT'S ABOUT FRICKIN TIME!!!! THIS DIVISION ISN'T FOR SHOWBOATS WITH GOOFY HAIR!!!! THIS IS ABOUT REAL MEN, WORKING REAL MATCHES, WITH REAL HAIRCUTS, AND NO FAGGOTY ASS DANCE MOVES!!!!! THIS IS THE WWF... WE WRESTLE!!!! -Scotty refused to take off his hat. It's a very gay hat. -Taylor took early control. Ooooh, the Iceman was just biding his time. -T'was time well spent. Malenko took over and the hat flew off. Lawler said that Taylor might be using "There's Something About Mary" hair gel. Ross said, "What?" I'm sure... in fact I KNOW... that JR later kicked himself for missing the opportunity to say, "Come again?" -Malenko bumped him around a little. If Gordon Solie could muster anything above a croak, he would say that Dean was methodically taking the kid apart. -COME ON DEAN!!!! RIP APART THIS MTV WEED SMOKING YOUNG PUNK!!!!!! IT'S RIGHT WING CONSERVATIVE VS LEFT WING LIBERAL AND THE WINNER GETS THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!! -off topic note... If I voted, which I never have and I doubt I ever WILL thanks to the choices we always get, I would vote for GWB just because Gore is SUCH a phony jackass. Bush is too, but Gore is just SO desperate -Back to the match, Hotty got some control and went through a complete "Worm" sequence. Look closely and you can see Malenko mutter, "Jesus Crap, I can't sell this forever, just get it over with!" -Malenko sold it just long enough so he wouldn't humiliate the kid, then smoothly went from a double underhook powerbomb into a Texas Cloverleaf. -GOODNIGHT SCOTTY!!!! YOU'VE BEEN OUTCLASSED BY THE MAST... -Taylor reaches the ropes. Sheeit -Taylor climbed to the top ropes. Dean climbs up and does the Superplex, upon impact, Taylor cradles Malenko and wins the match. The WWF SUCKS, MAN!!!!! -Why, if he were in WCW now, he'd be desecrating the American Flag for absolutely no reason whatsoever!! -Ross claimed that Brian Christopher was at home jumping up and down. Not the best idea for a guy fresh off knee surgery. he goes back under the knife tomorrow. He'll be out until Thanksgiving, and only if the Gods are VERY kind. -Might I ALSO point out that both men got right back up after a SUPERPLEX!!! HELLOOOOOO? SHALL WE KEEP THE KAYFABE GOING EVEN A LITTLE????? -Kurt Angle preached the word of celibacy to some kids. Umm, Kurt? Have you SEEN these scrubs?? If they ain't laying pipe, somehow I doubt it's by CHOICE!!! -The crowd runs over to the Big Show, who showed up giving out free condoms. Ahh, mine keep busting apart on me... BOOYAAA!!!!!!!!! A CHEAP PIECE OF RUBBER CAN'T...CAN'T...oh who am I kidding? -ONE boy stayed with Kurt as the others ran to the Show. This one cherry loser is WELL known to you folks reading at home. Ladies and gentleman, this lad... is none other, than known Internet Non-reporter and author of weak assed April Fool's gags... Wrestleline's own Dick Scaia... TAKE A BOW, DICKY!!!!!!! -commercials -Ross and Lawler say that USA will be showing the flick "Clear and Present Danger" starring Harrison Ford. The good news being that there are no female co-stars in the movie, or Ford's "clear and present danger" would be his habit of freezing up like a hunk of wood whenever he has a scene with a female. -The Big Show came out. He is in "seriously pissed off" mode. You would be too if you were the biggest man in the sport and was about to job out to a vanilla midget. -Chris Benoit came out. I bet he'll get Debra when she comes back. -This match was strictly to sell Benjy as a guy who will go headfirst into ANYONE... no matter how big he is. -This was for the IC belt. -It went outside early. It was all Show other than a moment when Benoit sent him headfirst into the steel post. -Show Gorilla pressed Benoit over the top ropes and back into the ring. -TBS went for the Chokeslam. Benoit kicked him in the crotch. It was a meaty thud. Lucky prick. (HA!! Didn't even notice the pun until I proofread it an hour later!) -The Ref called for the bell. WHAT?? FOR A CROTCH SHOT??? OH MAN, THIS SHOW IS UNREAL!!!! SINCE WHEN DID THEY REINFORCE THIS POLICY? -Benoit was DQed. Kurt Angle ran out and beat on TBS some more. Now here's a program that will fit nicely on Heat. -commercials -Edge and Christian came out. -The Big Bossman and Bull Buchanon came out. How lucky is the Bossman? He ALWAYS gets a semi-big role in the big stories. -Ross and Lawler start bickering over Jericho's never happened title win. -Ross, "Everybody's hallucinating! It's ALL a figment of our imagination!!!" -Lawler, "Now you're getting it! Right!" -Ross, "It NEVER happened!!" -Lawler, "If it did, then I guess so did the time you brought out the fake Diesel and the faker Razor Ramon!!!" -Ross, "Jeri-who? Where is Hunter anyway? I haven't seen him all night!" -Christian kicked it off with Buchanon. Ross said both Bull and Boss were over 6 foot 6 inches. If that's true, the Teddy Long must be a GIANT!!! -Ross said that BBM and BB did such a bang up job on Kane's hand, that the X-Ray looked like a Crossword puzzle. (1 Across: Big dopey gimmick involving a burnt body and a blackened, shriveled penis. Four letters) -If the Bossman was not allowed to include the word "Boy" in his sentences, he'd be a mute. -Christian stayed in for much of it. -Buchanon has definite grace to his moves. Witness as he bounces off the top ropes and spins around for a clothesline. Go ahead... WITNESS IT!!!!!! -Edge was tagged. the BBM got doubleteamed. -Edge Speared BBM, Bull stopped it with a top rope legdrop. -Then the Bossman shoved Referee teddy long and DQed them. Ahh, so that Benoit kick to the crotch makes perfect sense now!! The Ref's are over-officiating because of Earl Hebner. I didn't catch it before because the Announcer's didn't make a big deal of it. I'm not used to subtlety in my ‘rasslin' shows. I'm used to having pointed smashed across my head like a sledgehammer. -Kane came back out and strolled to the ring. Buchanon ate a chokeslam. He wasn't gone long enough to miss him. -BUT... where is the Undertaker and how long has he been out anyway? -Backstage, Michael Cole asked Jericho how he knew that the Acolytes wouldn't betray him if someone from the McMahon camp laid a few extra beans down? Bradshaw and Faarooq took umbrage and berated Cole until he pulled down his pants, bent over, and said, "Oh just get it OVER with!!" The immortal question is, "How come Pettingil never had to deal with this?" -footage of the Kane return. -Backstage, the Newer Age Outlaws jumped Edge and Christian from behind. Nothing but a gang of white THUGS!!!! -commercials -Chris Jericho came out. You realize that this show is HIS tonight? -The Acolytes came out. -DX came out. -Fingers were pointed, Girls and McMahons took their spots outside, the match began. -Early in, HHH took a Bradshaw clothesline, then found himself in the Walls of Jericho. X-Pac made the save. -Jericho got out of it and tagged Faarooq. -Bradshaw got into it. Caught X-Pac in a jump. Kicked Road Dogg reasonably close to the face while holding him, then gave Pac a Fall Away Slam. -some triple teaming on the outside gave Faarooq problems. -BUT... he was able to give Road Dogg a Spinebuster midway through Doggy's shuck and jive routine. Homie don't play that. -Bradshaw was tagged in, the Ref didn't see it and sent him back. I haven't seen that rule enforced since the Bush administration. -Faarooq was in there a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time. Well, take away a few "O"s -Finally, Jericho was tagged. The house was cleaned. -Jericho with the German Bounce of the Second Rope Moon Unit Zappa (just DEAL) on HHH. X-Pac saved the day. -Pac & Mutt fought the Acolytes up the ramp. Edge and Christian ran out for some unfinished biz with DX. They went behind the curtain. -HHH was alone with Jericho. -The Acolytes came back out. The Bossman and Bull Buchanon ran out and attacked them. -Meanwhile, Hunter got the Pedigree on Jericho and scored the CLEAN pin. Torrie, Shane, and Stephanie hit the ring and celebrated. Ross tried to make this all so Godawful important as the show... finally... -Ended. Well, it sure was RAW is JERICHO, wasn't it? He does have a win over HHH too, and he sort of was the champ for 5 minutes. But he was stripped, AND he took a clean pin. -Seems to me that this week's show had three goals. 1) To switch things up and not risk losing people who might be tired of seeing the Rock/HHH every week. 2) To steal some of Nitro's thunder by announcing the return of Austin (who should be there live next week, if the nature of the sell holds true) and hustling Kane back into things, and 3) To see how Jericho does with the main plotline revolving around him. Methinks they'll be watching the ratings VERY closely this week, just to see how he did. If he did well, then they have a new main eventer to play with. If he did poorly, well HHH has a clean win over him. Jericho can be sent back to mid-card action with little problems. This was an experiment. This was Jericho's big opportunity. The crowd was into it, so now we see if the ratings reflected them. Keep that in mind this week. There's Nitro. A new closer, and an appearance by the Chairman of the Board. You know you want it.