Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the RAW recap first...4/15/99 Mop-Up Nitro Before we get underway, I'd like to thank everyone who gave me a thumbs up on last week's closer about how WCW can improve Nitro. I'm sure most of you thought that I would turn it into a rag session as usual....but the truth is that I may always prefer the WWF product, I still have to sit and watch Nitro every week in order to do this column....so I may as well try to help make it the most pleasant viewing experience possible...and the only way I can do that is by speaking about it in this column. Besides, I wanted to give the WCW fans....who really do take a lot of crap for liking who they like...a little something for them to enjoy. Also, I didn't watch Spring Stampede Sunday night......I heard it was a pretty good show. Unfortunately, WCW has us so trained to expect a bad show that whenever they put on a good one, it usually comes as a surprise.....that isn't the way a company should treat it's customers people....it should be the other way around. Oh good one Hyatte....real profound.....I am such a dick. NITRO (or: Now THIS is STING) -opens with new WCW champ "Diamond" Dallas Page celebrating his title win by standing at a rather shabby looking buffet table.....alone. Randy Savage shows up with his little blonde cutie and, after congratulating him, reminds him that he now "owes the Macho Man"!!! -Then the blonde chick (what was her name? Curious George?) chimes in with "And don't you forget it!!" Oh God...she's one of THOSE "opinionated" bims.....that's what we need.....I'll give it three weeks, then we'll forget about those boobies and all universally hate her. -10 seconds into the show and our intelligence is already insulted as Scott Steiner attacks Page with a chair just a split instant after Savage and Blondie leave......were we supposed to think that Savage and Blondie had no clue that Steiner was there? Has Steiner suddenly acquired the ability to access the "Speed Force" and move at faster than light speed? If so, then when did Mark Waid get hired to script WCW angles? -Steiner attacks Page, lays an empty bottle of Champagne on his back......and spends the rest of the time trying his damnedest not to slip on his ass. Which would have automatically put this in contention for BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Opening theme....either that, or Picard will enlist the help of the Nitro Girls to aid in destroying the Borg in the next trek flick.....funny, by the way they moved, I thought they were already assimilated into the Collective. -They are in YAKIMA, WASHINGTON.......according to....oh sweet Jeezus no.... -Rikki Rachtman........Rikki Rachtman is STILL in WCW (here's a little hint guys...if AL ISAACS....who NEVER SAYS ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ANY FED....says that you should dump this douchebag.....guess what...LOSE HIM!!!!!!! -Wanna see how biased Bob Ryder REALLY is? Ask HIM about Rikki Rachtman.....if he says anything other than "he sucks"...then he is a company man TO THE CORE. -Rikki's hair has a "cool" blonde patch at it's forehead.......dollars to donutz says that's why Bischoff hired him....Eric knows all too well how dye jobs makes someone "cool". -Rikki has a friend..a new addition to the Nitro "party" (see...Nitro was too big to be reduced to a smattering of parties throughout college campuses....now Nitro is ONE GIANT PARTY!!!! HOW CAN THEY LOSE THE RATINGS NOW?????) -This new friend..is DJ Razz....the folks in Yakima call him by another name...DJ Scary Black Guy....the phrase, "Culturally mixed" doesn't really apply in the Pacific Northwest. -Rachtman asked "Razz" what he thought of Yakima....."Razz" laughed and demanded that they bring out the women.....I SWEAR I saw a few Yakiminians grab their daughters and run like Hell out of the building. -Rachtman claimed that the crowd didn't really want to see girls......I think he was implying that the WHOLE CITY of Yakima are a bunch of FAGS...ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING TO TAKE THAT???? WHY DON'T YOU BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM???? WHAT ARE YOU?? FRAIDY CATS?????? -Boy..this crowd was PUMPED!!! They haven't had this much fun since their Sheriff threw that "drifter" out of town.....only to have the drifter come back, beat him and his staff up...then hide out somewhere in a mountain...then the National Guard was called in...along with the Drifter's Colonel...you see, the drifter was really a Green Beret who fought in "Nam....but now he was bitter because even though he operated million dollar equipment in the service...he couldn't get a job washing cars in civilian life.....the Sheriff tried to stop him...but the Green Beret was taught long ago how to ignore pain...how to survive..........the town ended up on fire...the Sheriff was almost killed...the drifter? Well, the drifter had two more big adventures before vanishing......it's a loooong road...when your all aloooooone. -And if the Sheriff ever feels that it's over...well just remember....nothing is over....nothing. You just don't turn it off. It wasn't my war....you asked me, I didn't ask you. All I wanted was something to eat. -I think that's more than enough stream of consciousness writing for the moment -The Nitro Girls do a little street hip hop.....many Yakimanians averted their eyes -Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan welcomed us to ANOTHER NEW DAY OF NITRO!!!!! Last week was just a test run....THIS week is where the NEW NITRO DAWNS UPONS US!!!!! -Tony still has that haircut, complete with the hanging bangs over his brow...but now his hair is greased up......and his skin has gone from being pasty to being pasty AND shiny...he also still has the leather jacket. Next week, phase THREE of "Operation: Make Tony 90's Cool" comes into play.....he'll wear a white t-shirt with grease smudge marks. -And in TWO weeks....look out....the Ducktail is coming -And in THREE weeks...Tony will start to incorporate the phrase "Sit on it" in the telecasts. -Heenan is the same prick he always was...God Bless him -Tonight, "Diamond" Dallas Page will defend his new title against Scott Steiner...it's the battle of the "LONG TERM CONTRACT SIGNERS!!!!!!" so the winner is a true toss up. -Past footage of when Steiner tossed Kimberly out of a moving car. I still say it wasn't her. -The crowd was cheering....those HEARTLESS BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! -First our fireworks blast off.....I tells ya'...if this new attitude doesn't win some ratings, Nitro will be forced to break the show up into 2 parts: "Nitro" and "The Tro Zone" -Sting comes out....he's a Born Again Christian who's dressed like a Demon......let us just savor the irony for a moment............................................... -................................................................. -....................................................................... -...............ahhhhhhh........ -Sting came out...well, he was still coming out. He had a mic in hand..which means that even though we're getting the "Crow" Sting...he's gonna have the "Surfer Sting" attitude!! -Sting started off with his impression of Howie Mandell "OWWWWW......OWWWW......OWWWWwowowowowowOOOWWWWWW" -Then he said that it was good to be black.....good to be black in black...good to hit the sack...and the rest of that indecipherable AC/DC song -He said that so many people tried to put him away for good....(with his WIFE almost pulling it off.....but she found God too...she found out a few other things too...and BOY..did she talk about them to the wrong people...I'd say more, but Al would KILL me.) -Sting reminded us that HE was the ONLY one who stuck around WCW through thick and thin.....(untrue....I SAY FALSE!!!!!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAS BEEN WITH WCW SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG IS WCW...WCW IS GOLDBERG!!!!!! That's the impression they give ME at least) -"Thick and thin"? "From the beginning"? Is Sting forgetting that 18 MONTH LAYOFF?????? MANY OF THOSE MONTHS HE WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN????????????? -Suddenly, Sting is like Spiffy Sean....forgetting about those 6 months he wasn't writing for SCOOPS either. Now HE thinks he built SCOOPS!! Uh uh Spiffy...I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE DAY ONE!!!! I TOOK SCOOPS FROM BEING A PAGE WITH A RED STRIPE TO BEING THE BIGGEST DAMN WEBSITE ON THIS WHOLE FRIGGIN' PLANET!!! ME!!! ME...ME..ME HYATTE!!!!!!!!!!! KING HYATTE!!!!!!!!!!! -...and that Al guy too. -And I only took two weeks off once. Damn near lost my job for it too. -Sting declares that "things will be DIFFERENT on Nitro from now on"....then called Brandon Lee a "dead homo" and walked away. -Oh yeah, he also challenged Page to a match tonight...because he's been away for four months so he is automatically the number 1 contender for the title. -He also pondered whether Page had "anything between his legs"....he does..her name is Kimberly. -Sting left...so did we. -commercials -footage from the Cruiserweight match last night....Kidman vs Mysterio. -Juventud Guerrera came to the ring. He looked DIRECTLY in the camera and said, "WHO'S GONNA GET THE DAGOS?????" (Whaa? What does he have against the Italians? What did they do to him? Well, at least he's not after the Jews anymore...thank GOD!!! Poor Jews.) -Rey Mysterio Junior came out...so now we have two guys who sold their souls...and their masks to Bischoff for a few sheckles and a title run or two. HOW MUCH DID THOSE MASKS COST BOYS??? HOW MUCH WAS ENOUGH TO PISS ON YOUR HERITAGE????????????????? -The Italians know about HONOR...and HERITAGE!!! Those Guinea bastards know about "Cosa Nostra"....Juvee should respect the Eyetalians....rat bastard -At least Juvee basically stayed the same....now Rey looks like he should be arrested by Sean Penn and Robert Duval. -By the way...last week, I said that WCW should put in at least two good matches per hour....this is a good match in the first hour....if they put in one more, then I am going to start thinking that someone down their in Atlanta reads this crap. -Then Benoit and Malenko ran in and caused the DQ......then Raven and Saturn ran in and chased them away. Screwjob or no....it was still better than a Samantha/David Flair angle. -Hugh Morrus received a pep talk about getting "Extreme" against Bam Bam Bigelow from Hardcore Hak. Jimmy Hart was there..... -Jimmy Hart was there? -I thought Hart was fired from WCW??? -I THOUGHT JIMMY HART WAS FIRED FROM WCW????????? FOR GOD'S SAKES!!!! SAMUDA REPORTED IT!!!!!!! SCHERER REPORTED IT!!!!!!!!! DAVID MELTZER REPORTED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MOTHER SPOKE TO ME IN MY DREAMS AND SHE REPORTED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON??????? -And yes...Al Isaacs reported it too.....but he did not BREAK the story!! Which means that SOMEONE ELSE REPORTED A WRONG STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -If Al did break it...oh Lord...would we have HEARD it....OH LORD!!! Scherer would have been SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS FOR AL'S HEAD ON A STAKE!!!!!!!! But Al didn't break it...someone else did.....and nobody is saying sheeit....whatta bunch of dickheads. Hypocritical douchebags...all of them. -commercials -Tony blatantly sells SURGE soda (or as I like to call it...."Carbonated Piss with a Hint of Lime") as he sets up a Bret Hart videotape. Hey kids...drink Surge and you too can have the body of Tony Schiavone..... -Bret Hart video...including footage of his shot on "Later" on NBC...you know, Greg Kinnear is on the LONGEST vacation from that show! BRING BACK BOB COSTAS!!! They even showed him briefly mentioning the WWF.....just to remind us that the WWF is still around I guess (Hey, news to me!) -commercials -plug for a special WCW "club" that's about to annoy the Hell out of us. -Hak (patooie) took on Bam Bam Bigelow at Spring Stampede....and they got the still photos to prove it. -Hugh Morrus came out with Jimmy Hart (Could'a sworn he was s-canned...SOMEONE LIED TO US!!!!!! SOMEONE WHO IS NOT NAMED AL ISAACS!!!!!)...actually, I'm acting as if I really WANT to see him back with Titan...making lousy theme songs....I don't...I really, really don't..let him stay in WCW....LET HIM STAY!!!!!! -Bigelow came out...Tony called it a "Kendo Stick Match" for our viewing pleasure...then again extolled upon the virtues of Surge Cola. -Tony wondered allowed on the budget for all the tables that these WCW "Extreme" matches go through....then Tony said that MORE TABLES GET DESTROYED IN WCW THAN IN ANY OTHER WRESTLING ORGANIZATION ANYWHERE ELSE!!!!!!!!!" Then he called Paul E. a "filthy Jew"...that...that...that Guinea BASTARD!!!!!!!!! -Schiavone is Italian isn't he...maybe Juventud has a point? -The match progressed as well as can be expected....if you ever saw an ECW match, or a really cooking WWF Hardcore match, then you didn't see anything new. -Tony made mention of a WCW "Extreme/Hardcore" title belt....which could be like Batman's utility belt and have all sorts of nasty gadgets in it to further beat your opponent without drawing any blood of course.......I got something nasty for Tony....I got it hanging low. -Bum Bum IntheHole won after Morrus ate a facefull of table. Then Jimmy Hart made a pest of himself...then Hart ran away.....then Bigelow chased after him...then Tony said that one of the moves performed in this match became the Wendy's BIG SLAM OF THE SHOW....which tells me that they don't expect anything bigger in the next two and a half hours. THIS SHOW IS GONNA SUCK!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Rey and Kidman had a little backstage chat...lucky enough, we were privy to this thinktank. Are the tag champs? Are they opponents? Will Kidman get Raven to convert to Judaism? Will Rey be able to keep Kidman from being gunned down in a driveby by the Rolling Sixties? Will Kidman put on a mask only to have it taken off after he signs a million dollar contract? Will Luger come after Rey, looking for a little revenge? And where does the "Familia" fit into all of this? -footage from the thing where all that stuff happened. -"Mean" Gene Okerlund brought out "Diamond" Dallas Page..who received a healthy smattering of boos...not by any "grand design" by Nash's awesome booking ability.....but basically because we grew very fond of NOT hearing the words, "Jacked" and "Bang". -If Page turns heel, could we THEN learn the identity of his "mysterious benefactor"? That HAS GOT to be the longest running angle in the history of...history? -Page also said that Sting can go F-Himself..he was going to deal with Steiner first. -Page also said that he didn't mean to hurt Hogan...he wanted to pin him fair and square....Okerlund acted outrage at his callousness. It amazes me how the announcers are casually forgetting the last three years and are back to praising Hogan. -I'm guessing work on that Hogan thing...100%. Just to help get him that full face switch. -commercials....there have been a LOT of them so far....think they are working to keep the last 20 minutes completely commercial free? -The Nitro Girls are in the ring.....one can only hope that this means that the Second hour is here. -Tony grips the Surge as if it was his pecker and Goldberg just came out. -Okerlund declared that we are officially in the "shank" of the evening.....which means that from here on out..they start to shank us over BIG time. -Tony announced that Roddy Piper was in the building.....word has it he blew his Surge all over the place as he talked. -Okerlund brought out Ric Flair...flanked by his own ref and Arn Anderson. Flair came out and immediately said that Page was NOT the champ and the title was officially vacant. -Randy Savage came out with his chick..."Gorgeous George"...George? Is she a guy? DOES SHE HAVE A PENIS?????? -Savage wanted to "lay the smack down right now"......watch, in a month he'll claim that he coined the phrase. -Savage called himself the "Universal Heartthrob" (ripping off Austin Idol), the "Big Show Stopper" (ripping off both Paul Wight AND Shawn Michaels, and the "Cock of the Walk" (ripping off Pat Patterson). -Meanwhile, "Gorgeous George" can't seem to chew her gum with her mouth closed....just something to think about. -Savage said that since he was ref, he made the call..Page was champ -Flair said that he was prez..and Savage would NEVER wrestle again....(Ahh irony...you ripe, smelly bitch) -Flair's ref said that Savage was a dickhead. -Gorgeous George knocked him down....she wasn't chewing her gum...she can't do both at the same time. -The crowd popped...Arn got in front of the embarrassed ref -Savage offered this for Starrcade....George vs the ref..with Savage's career on the line. -Flair agreed, promising that the ref will win with the Figure Four -Savage countered by saying that George would win with the Big Elbow -Tony said that George had a "pair of big elbows"....I laughed out loud...then I punched myself in the face for doing so. -Then Sting came out and challenged Flair for later tonight...just for the Hell of it. -Flair accepted...Arn reminded Sting that HE will be there too. -They went nose to nose....Flair screamed about being all there is to life...Sting laughed...it was the most animated Sting has been since Vader was still in the company. -the segment ended...good stuff...although "Gorgeous George", cute as she may be..already needs a beating. -commercials -El Dandy and La Parka took on a new team called the Master Blasters....managed by Jimmy Hart. Tony was amazed at there size and asked, "Where does Jimmy Hart FIND these guys???" I'm BEGGING you...name me ONE SINGLE NEWCOMER THAT JIMMY HART HAS "FOUND" AND MANAGED IN THE PAST 3 YEARS!!!!! JUST ONE!!!!!!! -Jesus Christ...do I have to INCREASE MY BOUNTY????????????? -Nash came out in the middle of this match...he booted and powerbombed all these clowns (Didn't Nash used to be called "Master Blaster"? Heh heh heh, more irony), then he said (through use of a little video footage that I am in no mood to describe) that Flair promised him a title shot at the next PPV. That's pretty much all there was to it. -commercials -DJ Ran.....not RAZZ is his name...droppin' records is his game. How Puff Daddy missed this fine, prospect is beyond me. -Tony really, really tried to act cool while talking about DJ Ran......emphasis on TRIED. -Kidman pinned Psychosis after one of those long, fast paced, exciting, mind blowing matches that really do tend to get boring after a while. -another plug for the WCW Slam Society, I hear Bob Ryder is President! -commercials -The Nitro Girls just learned that they found the cure for Polio....now they are dancing in celebration. -Heenan said that EVERY MATCH TONIGHT IS A MAIN EVENT IN ANY ARENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear Al is trying to line up the Master Blasters vs El Dandy and La Parka for BREAK THE BARRIER -Okerlund brought out Goldberg. Tony sniffed that you could TRY to compare different wrestlers from different organizations...but after reading this past "Entertainment Weekly" (proudly owned and operated by Time Warner Entertainment), you simply MUST admit that there is no wrestler TOUGHER, more INTENSE, than the allmighty Messiah himself. Tony failed to remind us that it was NOT Austin who went on a national forum and challenged this doppleganger. -Goldberg came to the ring.....in his usual pissed off self. -Bret Hart is a Canadian. That alone makes him hunted in the eyes of our new God -Lex Luger is hunted too...I have no idea why -Page is hunted three...because he's the champ and Goldberg wants the belt back. -Then Goldberg reminded us to have our pets spayed or neutered and took off. This guy DEFINES the term, "One Dimensional" -commercials -Stevie Ray helped Booker T beat Rick Steiner...angles are continued and Ricky is still wondering why his brother is getting all the cherry matches. -commercials -Scott Steiner came to the ring...we can only PRAY that he screws up a word.... -Weeeell....he did say, "And the show don't stop, until the show TOPPER'S on top, and you tell me who's yo' Daddyyyyyyy" -Nope..that was the closest he came to a screw up...he talked about hoochin' it up, then he talked about Page. Nothin' you haven't heard before. -DJ Ran screams to the people to make some noise "Nitro Style"...if this is the first time he has ever worked on Nitro..then how on EARTH would they know how to make some "Nitro Style" noise? -Kenny Kaos walked out wondering, "What the Hell happened to that push I was enjoying?" -Hey!! Does this mean that the Third Hour arrived? Chris Hyatte
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