Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 4/20 I'm doing this week's column in protest. Tonight, for the first time ever, "TV Land" will be showing an old show featuring Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. DAMMIT ALL!!!! I WANT TO WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!! You think your cool? You think Marylin Manson is cool? You think Bare Naked Ladies, Foo Fighters, Everclear, Billy Corgan, or any other of those wannabes are some sort of cool? Kiss my ass Puff Daddy! Bite Me Backstreet! Suck IT Busta Rhymes!! Frank, Sammy, and Dino are the REAL BOYZ!!!! Hell, if Frank were as virile today as he was 30 years ago, he would have plowed Madonna and made that p%$#y Carlos hold his dinner jacket! Booze and broads...now THAT'S the "stuff" Unfortunately, the only thing Rat Packish about WCW is watching Hogan walk around as if he owns the joint...(but then again...he DOES!!) NITRO: (or Why Bret? Why?) -Opens with SPECIAL ADDED FOOTAGE from last night's PPV snoozefest. Hogan came out and beat up Nash and Savage some more with a baseball bat. The Disciple was there too, but something tells me that things would get REAL LIFE, REAL FAST if he laid hands on Nash, so he stuck with Savage. Scott Norton of all people waddled out there and told Hogan to keep it in his pants. Apparently, Norton is still under the illusion that the NWO is still one big family. Silly boy. -Opening theme. -Interestingly enough...Tony didn't open things up by saying that Nitro was the #1 WRESTLING SHOW IN THE COUNTRY!!!!!......I wonder why? -He DID open things up by shrieking that Raven will be defending his newly won US belt against some Jewish man named Goldberg....who's he? -Larry barely has enough time to stand up and wave to the crowd when... -Hendrix blared and out came Hogan, Beefcake, and Bischoff. Before walking to the ring, Hogan grabbed Bischoff and said, "I love this man", then planted a wet one on his cheek....although Uncle Eric tried to keep a stone face, he ended up grinning and giggling like a school girl. The announcers talked about how this is probably going to be "NWO spin control"...Larry wanted a clear explanation of just what "spin control" was....before Tony could explain that spin control involved hyping this show unlike any other just so RAW doesn't win in the ratings for a UNPRECEDENTED SECOND WEEK IN A ROW....... -Bischoff started to yap...and so he did. Then Hogan talked about what Hogan always talked about....himself and how cool he was. He was mighty angry at Nash and Savage and challenged Savage to a match for later that night (WOW..Hogan vs Savage for the 3,909,675 TIME!!! THIS OUTTA BE THE ONE THAT ROCKS!) -By the way, some fan near the front row got a sign up next to Hogan's swelled head that had something to do with the WWF....unfortunately, he held it too high and only the letters WWF was seen. He held it for a few seconds, then scurried off before the all-seeing DILLENGER came a'runnin'. I don't know if it was a pro-WWF or anti-WWF sign, but it was surreal to see the letters WWF place squarely next to Hogan's head. -shot of Goldberg backstage, getting himself psyched up for his Raven match....careful boy, don't want to wear your bad ass self out before showtime. -commercials -The announcers get the hype machine up to full steam annoyance. Tenay goes so far as to claim that tonight has simply GOT to go down as a HISTORIC Monday Nitro....and we are only 8 minutes into it!!!!!!!! -NWO music blares and out comes Randy Savage. He walks to the ring... -and walks... -and walks.... -and walks.... -and walks some more. -Finally, he made his way into the ring, (Lordy, my Grandma makes better time now!!). In the ring, with mic in hand, he cheerfully accepted Hogan's challenge...but then he had to LIE and say that he "always hated Hogan" (Yeah right..you just followed him from fed to fed for the last DECADE!!!). -By the way, Elizabeth was NOT there. Apparently, she broke a nail after Sting crashed into her Sunday night. -Moving along, Savage said that he had a BLOCKBUSTER of an announcement... something that will SHAKE THE FABRICS OF UNIVERSAL SOCIETY UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE!!!. (What? You're divorced? You hate Slim Jims? Lanny Poffo isn't your brother...in fact, he is your LOVE SLAVE??? Well, tell us something we don't know Randy!!) -No, no, no, no kids..truth is, Savage's huge announcement was that the NEW leader of the NWO was NOT him, but instead... -The NWO music blares and Kevin Nash comes out. The fans go crazy. He hits the ring and says that Hogan is all done with. Since nature already took care of Hogan's follicles, he and Savage will wrap up the rest of the package...(eww, who's in charge of wiping Hogan's body oil away?). Nash also promised all sorts of problems for Bischoff and that "freak wannabe biker" (two guesses, the first one doesn't count) should they stick their nicely browned noses into things. -The announcers plugged the damn PPV REPLAY!!! -Backstage with Raven in the showers.....don't ask. Quote the Raven: Snooore. -commercials..including a spot for the WCW Website...the ONLY Website that matters..(oh yeah? Do you have Hyatte? DO YOU HAVE THE MOP-UP??????) -The Nitro Girls do their stuff. -Gene plugged the Hotline. $100 says the name "Ric Flair" will not be heard. -Well, for those WCW fans who always bitch about how Nitro is about WRESTLING and RAW is about SILLY ASS ANGLES...let me point out that it is precisely 8:30 p.m. It took them a whole 30 minutes to get to their first match...it better be good! -aww crap! It's Konan..and he's fighting Chris Adams....bloody hell. Does anyone mind if I skip this one? You'd be lying if you said that you did. -incidentally, before I could go away for this one, I did notice a WCW security guard beckoning everybody in the first few rows right in fron tof the cameras to take their seats....how DARE those people try to have fun!!! GO GET 'EM SPARKY!!! -More shots of Goldberg getting ready...he's sweating harder than Clinton's Press Secretary. -commercials -Those damn Nitro Girls...will we EVER see then do a "Evening Gown Battle Royal"? Of course not. -Another F%$#&*%^ Nitro Party clip....just to show you RAW watchers that you are COMPLETE NOODLE HEADS!!!!!! THIS IS WHERE THE COOL FOLKS ARE!!! Heck, they even supply free Pepsi for you thirsty college kids. -Jimmy Hart (looking more and more like a third rate record executive) brings out the Barbarian. (Somewhere in....Tonga? Meng is putting the TONGON DEATH GRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on his TV, screaming, "THIS IS MY PUSH YOU UGLY MUTHA%$#@$^&$ C*&^&% $^&**^$%$^&^&%$#". Unfortunately, the TV screen does not make for a good grip...Meng sat back down in his chair, thoroughly embarrassed with himself). -Wayne Bloom is Barbie's opponent....it lasted about as long as you would expect. -more fun with Raven backstage in the showers. -commercials -Chris Jericho comes to the ring with his hair ponytailed up on his scalp, a big picture in his hand, and Price Igottacrappa's skirt wrapped around his waist. He spend some time trash talking Dean Malenko, and declaring that Malenko retired from wrestling. With that, he put down the mic and awaited his opponent. -It's Juventud Guerrera...for their 18th rematch!!!! Except that THIS time, Juvenile put up a Hell of a fight, and even refused to tap out when Jericho eventually slapped the Lion Tamer by way of Que....OH that's right....Martel is gone....the joke doesn't work anymore...(not that it ever did really). -By the way..anyone wanna try to answer just how being put in the Lion Tamer makes you pass out?? And don't give me that "bent neck" crap. Because Juvee(ugh)chose to pass out rather than tap out...Jericho looked upset as he screamed, "Oh My GOD! I killed JUVEE!!!". -one last shot of Goldberg. -commercials -Uh oh...RAW is about to come on!!! Better get the Goldberg match gouing right now!!! But first.. -second hour fireworks...Tony barely has enough time to scream that they are alreay well underway in delivering the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -....and that should we have the NERVE to flip to RAW, then we will be missing GLOBAL SHATTERING DEVELOPMENTS!!!!! -When Michael Buffer damn near ORDERED us to get ready to rumble. -Raven came to the ring...the crowd was getting juiced.. -Goldberg came to the ring, still stretching out..(Hey Boy! If it warming up backstage didn't limber yer ass up..NOTHING WILL!!!) -They locked it up...(you know..if WCW had this kind of intensity for even ONE match Sunday night, it would have been a much better show). -Remember wondering if Goldberg can take few shots? Well wonder no more...HE CAN!! -The match was rocking....Raven was being bounced all over the place... -Goldberg even unloaded a reverse spin kick, which looked good -The Flock ran in...Goldberg took 'em all out in intense form... -at one point, Raven tried to get away through the seats...a bunch of WCW employees dressed as normal folks carried him back in...THAT WILL STOP ALL THE FAN CHARGING THAT THEY HAVE....I couild say that it was a sneaky attempt to make Goldberg a "People's Champion"......but I won't. -Horace Boulder ran in...Goldberg took care of him....I'm happy to say that Horace is just as bald as his Uncle Hulky. -Goldberg Jackhammered Raven's ass on a stop sign and won the title....somewhere, Paul Heyman is laughing...good match...hey kids, this Goldberg is the real deal...Bischoff is so happy, he is staining his designer jeans. -commercials -I wonder if Uncle Eric will include Goldberg to his list of "Wrestlers who put Butts in seats". I wonder if Hulky will do the job to him? -Footage of Goldberg's win..Tenay points out that because of that match, and that match alone..this has GOT to be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -(they have to make that point over and over..they lost last week) -Tony reminds us that we still have to wade through another chapter in the opus known as Hogan/Macho before all is said and done for tonight. -La Parka comes to the ring as Tony reminds us how lucky we are to be a part of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -La Parka took on the Ultimo Dragon....so he did.. -For some reason, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero showed up and Eddie made Chavo attack the Dragon....(alas...there is only one Goldberg...and a three hour show to fill...do the math) -commercials -Chris Benoit came to the ring as Bobby Heenan joined the fun. Benoit had the pleasure of jobbing to Hennig this week...which he did so with..... -Oh wait a second..here's a change of pace...he didn't take the loss....he didn't WIN either...he just took a DQ beating from Rude and Hennig until Booker T came out and made the save. Is Hennig's knee really injured? Or is this just WCW's way of making their guys look so much tougher than the WWF? -Benoit caught up with Booker at the entranceway and started to yell at him for having the AUDACITY to save his ass...they started to jam....Tony screamed for some.. -commercials...including an ad for the REPLAY of "Assault on Devil's Island" on TNT (Home of the New Classics)...for those who couldn't get a seat for Hogan's latest blockbuster, "3 Ninjas Kick Butt". -Just a reminder....Hogan is billed on that flick as Terry "Hulk" Hogan..for you idiots who really went along with the name "Hollywood". -Mean Gene brings out "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (why the Hell is he there? Shouldn't he be gone by now? The PPV is over!). Tony commented that Piper SHOULD be there...after all, tonight IS the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -In the ring, Piper garnered cheap applause by mentioning the Broncos...then started in on Hogan. Basically, he said that the Hogan/Savage match would be no DQ, and that there would be no run ins, and that Piper apparently recruited the US Army to drag Hogan back into the ring should he choose to leave. -Piper finished by saying that the match will go on until 2 am if necessary....but if you really think Hogan's gonna stay there longer than 15 minutes..you crazy. -oh yeah..Piper's last comments were that "The excitement begins NOW!!!"...uhh Hot Rod? Were you too busy putting on the Ben Gay to watch the Goldberg match? We are halfway through the show...NOW you're turning the excitement on??? -commercials -Hammer came to the ring to take on Saturn....I think there is an explanation as to why two members of the Flock are fighting..but I was too busy laughing at Saturn's balding scalp to listen....(That boy needs to shave his head again...PRONTO!!) -No one won the match..it was a countout..in case you were wondering. -commercials
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