Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Raw 4/20/98
The following has been edited for your protection:
"As I am sitting here reading your article I am appalled by what you write..WCW is bigger yes, but not better than WWF."
(He lists all the reasons why the WWF rules)
"Now if you haven't been able to grasp what i am triing to tell you..I'll make it loud and clear...WWF is still the best Federation..They have less big names to work with and they do one hell of a job...Your column is so biased it isnt even funny..Every thing you say is for WCW and against WWF..."
(more reasons why WCW sucks)
"As for the aspect of WWF copying WCW..I can only say one thing...HELL NO! what about bill goldberg.. a stonecold/shamrock mixed breed ? The only thing I really want to point out here is that your article is so biased. I am a WWF fan and have been one for many years. I mean you mention the limo thing a lot and its just plain stupid. That is like saying, well if I have a pair of shoes, you cannot wear a pair of shoes, that would be copying me. If you were not so invoved in finding what everyone copies off eachother maybe you would actually enjoy the wrestling and storyline aspects of wrestling itself. I just want to come on the great site, Scoops, and if I happened to miss a Raw read an article that has no biases, that does not put down the other organizations, and does not make false accusations. I would pay for a membership to Scoops if it eventually came down to them not making any money, thats how I much I like it. I would esspecaially not like the trash that you put in your article. I hope the Scoops management finds someone else to do this article."
Mike Shields (Reacting to reading the Mop-Up for the FIRST time...and looking for a job on SCOOPS? As a recapper maybe?)
Now THAT is a change of pace!!! Wuzz Happenin'! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up...apparently, a BIASED look at that GREAT company known as WCW, run by an absolute GENUIS by the name of Bischoff as well as that suckfest known as the WWF, run by the IDIOT known as Vince. A couple of opening notes, then I start the bash parade....and those morons on USA are REALLY in for it...
I guess I should explain myself...I post hate letters on the top because it's fun. It also keeps me "grounded"...if you knew me, then you would know that I always look to do my very best, but I am very hard on myself...much harder than anyone else could be. When I get negative "reviews", it helps me strive to improve my stuff each week. Some letters are just plain dumb (see above), but others make valid points. I don't really get a lot of them, most of you are very positive, but when I do get one...I pay attention. Besides, I figured since nobody else begins their column with a hate letter, it just adds to the uniqueness of what I'm trying to do here.
By the way..if you want to give me an honest critique, or were offended by something I write, (last week, someone complained about me poking fun at the Jehovah's Witnesses last week...even though I really didn't say anything that bad). Then I probably won't print it here. So if you have a real problem, and write to me in a serious manner...without being as dumb as the letter above, let me know. I won't post it.
Does anyone NOT think that Tyson was a good investment?
Can't wait for that first Flair interview on RAW...think it'll be a shoot? Think Arn Anderson will join him? Think HE'LL have something to say?
BIG ASS PLUG. BIG ASS PLUG!!!!...I have joined the SCOOPS NEWSLETTER staff. Every month I'll be writing a column involving this sport (they wouldn't let me do one on why I find farm animals so sexy,as originally pitched...go figure). The first article will appear at the beginning of May. You should subscribe and check it out. I haven't sat down and written it yet, but the ultimate goal is to blend the straight up objectiveness of my PPV recaps with the attitude of this thing right here. I PROMISE you....it'll be good. So subscribe, it's dirt cheap and it helps the good folks at SCOOPS keep everything free for you all.
You know...I find myself using the Crotch Chop more and more in the outside world....it is a cool move. Does anyone else do this from time to time? Could this possibly "catch on"? Could it possibly end up as the "f-you" alternative to the middle finger?
And finally.....MTV's Original VJs voted that Van Halen's "Jump" is the "Best Video Ever"....notice that David Lee Roth was the lead singer for that song.....notice that "Van Halen III" sank out of the carts?....notice that David Lee Roth had nothing to do with that album.....notice that the WORLD wants Van Halen back with David Lee Roth...notice that the new singer for the band sounds almost exactly like Sammy Hagar...notice that I'm giving a lot of space to this issue....what does THAT tell you?
You know, it seems so clear to me. On past week's Raw, if Vince just went down to Austin within 10 seconds, the fans would have loved it, the critics would have loved it, and I would have screamed that it was the ultimate F-YOU!!! to Bischoff and his match against Zbyszko at Starrcade. It would have worked on every conceivable level. Vince dropped the ball on that one, but hey, they won the ratings, (which are STILL a joke....but since every one else treats them as scripture, why can't I).
That'll do it for the opener. Be sure to check out the closer, I got something in it that EVERYONE WILL ENJOY!!! I GUARANTEE that YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD CHUCKLE OVER THE CLOSER THIS WEEK, NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF ME! For a change of pace, I'm going for some GOOD CLEAN FUN in this week's ender. You'll like it.
Do you feel that? That...change in the air? It could only mean two things. Either I'm going to change my life for the better or it's time to RECAP!!!!!!! Guess I'm still stuck in a rut.....God I need a drink.
Well, since I spent the last several weeks kicking off with Nitro, why don't I help even the odds by starting off with...
RAW IS WAR: (or Careful UT, or you may pop a bone)
-opens with a video thingamaboob concerning last week's big time screwjob....the announcer ends it by asking the immortal question..."Why Dude? Why? (I damn near spittaked all over myself on that one).
-opening theme.
-Geeze? I always thought that the Nassau Colosseum was bigger? Then again..I always thought that I was bigger, then my girlfrie....WHOOOOAA...familypagefamilypagefamilypage.
-I caught a GLIMPSE of a sign that read, "PROMOTERS FEAR SCOOPS"...nice to see the hometown crowd give Al some props.
-We got the SIGN OF THE NIGHT locked and loaded with a sign that read..."BISCHOFF RAPES PIGS".....while I do NOT know what Mr. Bischoff does in his spare time, nor do I know if "pigs" represents actually pigs, or just some Fugly girls, I whole heartingly approve.
-Kevin Kelly is at a remote location. He is standing in front of the cemetary where Kane and the Undertaker's parents are buried. Kelly looks as nervous as Eric did after he saw last week's ratings. Kelly reports that the Undertaker is "on his way"...I guess he had to gas up the Pinto.
-While Goldberg is currently spearing Raven out of his Buster Browns, Dude Love comes out on a "Piper's Pit"ish set to wrap with the groovy far out hippies. The set isn't much, two blow up chairs, a curtain made of strung beads, and a painting of a flower child school bus with the words, "Love Shack" printed on it. (Suddenly, I start to miss ADORABLE ADRIAN...God, what pride did THAT guy have to swallow?).
-Apparently, Vince came to his senses faster than than Rodney King on the Ventura Freeway, because he stormed out there within seconds. He had to yank away those damn beaded curtains because one of them almost pulled his toupee right off his head. Looking pretty exhausted from fighting the set, Vince fined Doody 5 large for ruining last weeks ending, and warned him not to "ever interfere in my business again." Vince left before Dude could ask if that meant that there would be no more midnight "sessions" in Vince's whirlpool....buyt Vince already bailed out.
-Mr. Love continued his little monologue.....which involved trashing Steve Austin. He said that Austin's biggest beef with him was that when they were tag champs together, (didn't that last about 2 weeks?), they were always being chased by women...(his exact phrasing was, "we were followed by an entire caravan of pussy(a bit of a pause)cats....JEEZUS!!! another spittake! My friggin' jaw hit the ground on that one!!). Apparently, Dude Venis was the stud, while Austin got the skrags. It went on a bit more, but you pretty got the gist of things.
-no time was wasted as The Nation of Defecation (I know, I know...pretty weak) comes to the ring through the SEATS? (I think Kama lost a contact lens earlier that day during set up). Kole quietly screams that this will be a "Long Island Street Fight" (Loser has to spend a night with Amy Fisher...AND get his car overhauled by Joey Buttafuco....sorry, but other than Al Isaacs, Billy Joel, and Howard Stern, those are the only two people I know who live there..or lived at least).
-One of them is taking on Faarooq. Turns out it was Kama. Turns out Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman were not allowed to enter the fray....Shamrock was seen holding a baseball bat...(GOOD GOD!! THE RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!). Blackman was seen holding....something heavy and ugly looking. Turns out that Slaughter made the NOD wait at the entrance way while Kama and Faarooq beat the stuffing out of each other. Turns out Faarooq made use of a BEERKEG (YEEEEEEEEEESSSS...They even drank the thing before bringing it...GOOD men!!) Turns out Farrooq won with the "Dominator"...Turns out half the televison audience turned off the TV.
-Geezus...don't they have commercials anymore? DX was seen relaxing in their locker room. Billy Bad Ass (who has much business in this group as the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ does...or TOMMY TROJAN for that matter...(don't ask) bets HHH that he wouldn't whip it out on camera and start spraying the audience....(need I be more graphic? You can't figure it out? Do the words "golden shower" mean anything to ya?
-All this leads to Ross saying something I never DREAMED in a MILLION years. He said. "You mean....Helmsely is gonna EXPOSE himself here tonight? And URINATE on the crowd?" That was the last words we heard before the break....and if THAT doesn't keep you from flipping...I don't know what will.
-commercials
-A little video thingamajamma concerning Sawyer Brown and Double J.....I wonder if Konan is wrestling on Nitro now?
-DX hits the ring. XPac demands that Long Island makes some noise. HHH (who was wearing a raincoat) found a way to rhyme "brass" with "ass" and apply it to the DOA. It was pretty standard stuff, blasting the Hell out of the LOD 2000 (keeps your bowl fresh for MONTHS!!!!) HHH ripped on Owen some, then told everyone NOT to call Sunny "Skanky". Then Bad Ass reminded him of that bet they had. Then DX grouped around HHH, and he started squirting the crowd with a heavy duty water gun.
-Suddenly, Sunny, Owen, and the LOD 2000 came out to put an end to the fun. Hawk had a mic and said that "They were not going to talk the talk, but walk the walk."
-HHH countered with, "Don't sing it, bring it."
-Animal jumped in and said, "Don't let your mouth write checks that your butt can't cash."
-XPac answered with, "These boots were made for walking. That's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."
-Owen fired back with, "Oh yeah?".......Owen is SUCH a geek...he can't even come up with a good cliche.
-Anywhoo..Commissioner Slaughter killed all the fun by stepping in and saying that they will save the match for a more proper time....during the last half of Nitro of course.
-DX agreed, HHH and the crowd told the faces to "SUCK IT" (the crowd was really into DX). Then they started to squirt some New York Jets in the front row...the Jets were really loving it.
-by the way...Vince McMahon was seen backstage. pacing back and forth as if he was practicing for the last 15 minutes before tonight's ratings come out. A girl hands him a cup of coffee...her hand was visibly shaking..(I asked for DECAF DAMN YOU!!!!!!! Now go give Phineus a sponge bathe little missy!!!!!).
-spot of the little slice of joy known as SEVERN
-commercials
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