Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 4/20/98...it's non stop fun...courtesy of the most miserable man alive. -Kevin Kelly was still at the cemetary. He said that the Undertaker was just a few minutes from arriving. I'm so excited, I almost feel like Bischoff after frenching Hogan. -Dan "the Beast" Severn came to the ring to take on either Mosh or Thrash...(Thrash is the one who looks his face was run over by a car). Severn must have to be at a gig for his Queen tribute band, (he's lead singer 'natch)...cause he wrapped this up quick. He won with an ARM BAR FOR CHRISSAKES!?!?!?!? -Kevin Kelly announced that the Undertaker showed up, went inside the graveyard, then Kelly heard a bloodcurdling scream, (must have been the girl who had to sponge off Phineus), then the UT took off. Ever the trooper, Kelly stayed around to report on this... -Then the Undertaker came out of nowhere (trans: Just out of camera range) and started to choke Kelly...Kevin screamed like a woman in labor as the UT asked "What happened to them?" "Where are they?". -commercials -Kelly was quite the mess as he explained what just happened...(he looked like he just came out of one of those "conferences" with Pat Patterson). He said that the UT was heading back to the arena (OHH? So his parents were buried in Long Island huh? Imagine that!) -Goldust and Luna come to the ring. Say what you want about Luna...her body is HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Then she started to talk....which eliminated any sort of....thingy...I had going. Luna promised NOT to stop at Sable's bra and panties...(HEY NOW!!!). -Bradshaw came down to take care of Goldust. They went at it and it was a pretty damn good brawl too. Pretty good indeed. -Then those pesky Club Kamikazee guys showed up and attacked Bradshaw. It was cool seeing Bradshaw put up a fight against those pests...but the triple team persisted, then they held him down as one of them climbed to the top rope and flipped onto Bradshaw in a NASTY move. Good match, crap ending, good triple team... -Just in time for hour number 2..Austin has arrived. -commercials -RAW IS WAR becomes the WARZONE....midway through it, the tape seems to stop short and rip up. They ignored it and cut right into... -"Stone Cold" Steve (Goldberg can kiss my ass...but don't schedule me opposite him) Austin hits the ring. He grabs the mic and claims that the incident last week between him, McMahon, and Dude Love was a CONSPIRACY!!!!! (SOMEONE CALL MULDER AND SCULLY QUICK!!!!!!!!). He did call Dude Love, "a Psychodelic Jackass"....which was funny). He then promised to beat the rest of Dude Love's teeth out of his head, and beat the toupee off of Vince. -Then Austin chased a camerasman around the ring a bit, then bullied another camera guy at the entranceway (Hey Stevo....TRY THAT WITH HORACE BOULDER WHY DONT'CHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). -As the song goes, "If you do like, old ass wrestlers, then get the FUNK out!". Terry (call me Chainsaw and I'll have Dory break his hip on your property and sue your ass) Funk and 2 Cold (call me Flash Funk and I'll pimpslap yo momma)Scorpio hit the ring against the Midnight Express....but before that could happen.. -a Hearse was seen pulling into the parking lot....(GOOD LORD! Paul McCartney loves the WWF so much that he made a stopover on his way to the airport???? WHERE ARE THE TABLOIDS TO COVER THIS???) -back to the ring, it looks as if Severn has a few minutes before his big Queen tribute band gig later tonight, so he decided to stay and look mean. The guys wrestled, it was a pretty good match, Scorpio won it for his team. Severn attacked 2 Cold, (where is that push dammit?????). Funk came in with a chair, the NWA guys bailed...Cornette beckoned Severn to "protect him"...Severn looked like he was trying to remember the middle part of "Bohemian Rhapsody"....the foolishness continued. -Two things to point out..1) Scorpio performed a way cool dive on the MX on the outside. 2) Severn jumped in too early and had to visibly slow down until Funk got the three count. -commercials -another promo with Val Venis.....I can't think of any newbie who has gotten this much heat simply through spots....he BETTER be good. -How do you follow up Venis? Bring out Sable...so they did. -Michael Kole...who looked like he was doing a bit of pre-match undressing with his eyes...talked to Sable about the political infrastructure in the former Soviet Union....Sable's reply was "What's that red blotch on Gorbachov's head?"....... ain't she cute? -Quickly switching subjects (no cures for Cancer on these Monday night shows folks), Kole got into Luna's promise to strip Sable bare nekkid...Sable coyly asked Kole, "Does this body look like it could humiliate me?"...(Good Lord!!!) -Sable said that she could care less if Luna stripped her of every stitch of clothes (it should be "could NOT care less"...but as I said...nobody is curing Cancer here on Monday night). Ross commented that his Momma just fainted. As the sound of CHA-CHING filled the night as millions ordered the PPV, Sable left the ring. -After that, Ross said the coolest thing of the night..so cool that I'm printing the whole magilla here...He said... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll tell you what, if some of you have been kind of disallussioned by recent pay per views. Because they have been kind of predictable and kind of old. Well, how can you predict what's gonna happen when Sable and Luna get together at Unforgiven, In Your House? The clothes are coming off!" Sad but true kids...and you all know it. -We see Paul Bearer and Kane come out of the Hearse. -commercials -Kole interviews Vince...Vince says that he is still not scared of Austin, and he won't be commenting on the "Conspiracy Theory" anytime soon...(come on Vince...it wasn't that BAD a movie??) -as DX comes to the ring... -Ross drops my jaw and causes plenty o' beer to splash plenty o' my wall with this "teaser"..."We know that Greensboro North Carolina is RIC FLAIR COUNTRY!! (To which Lawler exclaimed, "What??"), and this Sunday, it's gonna be WWF country AS WELL!" (Notice that he didn't say, "BUT this Sunday, it's gonna be WWF country"...he included Flair in the deal....all over the country, dumb ass marks like myself are freaking over that line). -waaaaait a second...it's only 10:30...WHY are DX going at it with Owen and the LOD NOW??? WHERE IS MY WEEKLY SCREWJOB???????? -The match got underway...and it wasn't all that bad. Not spectacular, but not bad at all. -In fact, t'was so not spectacular that they had to go through some... -commercials -before wrapping it up. The LOD had things won, but then Chyna scoopped up Sunny and began carrying her up the ramp...yeah..you heard me right! -Hawk caught up with them and begged Chyna to let her go.....there is something very erotic about all this....very very.........errrrr.........excuse me a bit...gotta run to the rest room.................... -................................. -...................................... -....................................... -okay, okay....I'm back......what happened? -Paul Bearer and Kane are seen bringing out some wooden caskets....which are crawling with maggots. Ross eliminated any chance that this wasn't what we thought it was when he said, "Have the Undertaker's parents been exhumed?" (Actually, there is a way cool Hogan/Savage joke in there somewhere...but I'm too tired to go looking for it.) -commercials (we dare ya' not to come back and see this...WE DARE YA!!!!!!) -Kane and Bearer come out to the entrance way...Bearer has his sports jacket off, his shirt untucked, and smudges all over his body...(He looks like me after a $30 binge at Taco bell). -Bearer starts in on the UT, then told Kane to pour gasoline over one of the caskets... -The UT came out of the seats and ran up the ramp to stop them... -Too late, Kane and Bearer started to toast one of them... -UT ran into Kane, who flipped him into the other casket...where his Mom was buried... -UT squirmed around..the camera took great delight in showing us at least one solid bone (no..not from the UT...sickos!!!). That just about covers that...other than one thing.. -The PETA group, (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) insured me that no maggots were harmed during the making of this piece...they used stunt maggots. So don't go to bed upset kids....Jimmy the Wonder Maggot will live to ooze for another day. -commercials -Michael Kole acts all solemn as he reports on what's happened to with all that silliness. -Vincent K. McMahon Jr. comes to ringside and takes his place at the broadcast table as.. -Blackman hits the ring....and immediately starts swatting at the flys that have swarmed from the caskets with those chopsticks of his. -Vince bopldy declares that Dude Love deserves to be the number 1 challenger to Austin because he hasn't been around for a while..and well...he just deserves it that's all. -After Ross prodded him some more, Vince barked, "Look!! We haven't signed Flair yet!! So Dude Love will have to do for now dammit!!!" -Vince also promised that something CATASTROPHIC will happen at IYH...or we can have our money back! (Catastrophic? MY GOD! THE TOUPEE'S COMING OFF!!! THE TOUPEE'S COMING OFF!!!! THE TOUPEE'S COMING OFF!!!!) -Dude Love hit the ring...and the match was on....and then something happened... -something that may have been the most coolest thing I have EVER seen Vince pull off... -As Dude Love had Blackman in the Abdominal Stretch, the bell rang without the ref signalling it. Love's music played and it looked as if he won. Ross was stunned and asked, "What just happened?" Vince calmly said, "What do you mean? It's pretty obvious from my vantage point". Then Vince said, "It looks like Dude Love has a little momentum going into the WWF Championship match this Sunday". -Blackman went over to the timekeeper and yelled at him...then he threw him to the ground. -Vince went over to help the timekeeper, then Austin charged. -He threw Vince down and started to kick him...Dude Love came over and started fighting with Austin... -Vince hit the ring and called Austin out...Austin took care of Love and jumped in... -but so did Patterson and Briscoe....Austin gave both of them Stunners, which gave Vince time to leave. -The show ended with Vince leaving the ring as Austin and Dude Love were going at it....Ross had time to scream, "Vince is gonna SCREW Austin out of the title this Sunday!" Wow! WOW! I mean.. how smart is that? To actually use the Hart screwjob as an angle is a stroke of GENIUS!!! I mean REALLY!!!! Jeezus Crow on a shingle...that is SO COOL!!! No, I am NOT just praising Vince because I prefer him over Bischoff...I praise him because this is NEVER BEFORE SEEN STUFF he is doing. I mean really.....this kind of stuff ROCKS. It was a good show, but there is still a 3 hour barrel of monkey love over on TNT tonight...let's go kids...times a'wastin'. Chris Hyatte
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