Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the April 24 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte And so, the hype ends and the ratings slink back to the cellar. WCW enthusiasts, so proud and cocky two weeks ago, went from declaring the New Era a rousing SUCCESS and the WWF to be WEEKS AWAY FROM TOTAL DISINTEGRATION, to a more stunned, didn't-see-the-truck-coming, "Rome was NOT built in a DAY!" decree. Alas, it is so hard being a WCW Loyalist with this kooky ratings. Once again, I have to drill this in your heads. If you take ANYTHING I say to heart, make it this simple statement... Nitro will NOT succeed until the WWF starts to SUCK!!! It's true. Hey, I LIKE what they are doing to Nitro. I'm all for it. But they need help from an unwilling participant. McMahon has to start bombing hard before they get permanent viewers. No denying that at all. If McMahon was in a ball breaking mood, he would put out shirts saying, "I THOUGHT THE WORLD CHANGED ON APRIL 10, 2000? WHAT HAPPENED?" NITRO: (or: Gee, and all I did was post his phone number. I'm a lightweight) -WCW Symbol. Hey, the ratings top out when I'm on screen. -Last week on Nitro, lots and lots and lots of stuff. Many of it good, a fact that is still tough to get over. -Opening theme. -They get RIGHT TO THE BLOODY ACTION BECAUSE THESE BLOODTHIRSTY COMPETITORS COULDN'T WAIT FOR THE CAMERAS TO ROLL!!!!! Sting and Vampiro engage in fisticuffs backstage. There is this HUGE trunk wide open in front of them, yet neither man ends up in it. -Vampiro uses a steel and/or lead pipe (Tony couldn't make up his mind) to get Sting through a curtain. Bam Bam Bigelow is seen walking gingerly out of the way with all the subtlety of a Bull Elephant during mating season. -Hudson called Sting turning his back on Vampiro a "Cardinal mistake", which is ALMOST as bad as a "Pope mistake", but not quite. Damn Catholicism, the whole RELIGION is a mistake. -Tony officially welcomes us to Rochester, New York. He quickly puts us at ease by announcing that yes, they are still a 2 hour show, at least for now. -I wonder if the Rochester crowd, being upstate, will enjoy some "Steamed Hams" after the show? -Tony promises an explanation as to "What happened, how it happened, and WHY it happened." The F**K is he talking about? -Things get going speedy with a Hardcore Title Match!!! Hot, Hot, HOT action as you like it. -Terry Funk comes out. I'm sorry, but where Grandpa Funk is concerned, we are DOZENS of degrees away from anything even remotely resembling Hot, Hot, HOT!! -Scott Hudson, obviously watching his fingernails grow, declares that Funk has stayed one step ahead the machinations of Russo and Bischoff and STILL wears the Hardcore title PROUDLY AROUND HIS WAIST!!! Problem is the ONLY thing around Funk's waist as he came out was that little spare donut. -Just 1:45 before their first embarrassing error of the night. God Bless WCW! -Bam Bam Bigelow charges out and hits Funk from behind with a garbage can. How do they explain Bigelow as "New Blood"? -As Bigelow and Funk fight there way towards the ring... Ernest "The Cat" Miller comes out and attacks Funk. Oh crap... HIM?? -You know, Russo didn't even BOTHER with this guy! He is Eric's baby all the way. Which is why he is ratings death. -Bam Bam knocks him away and turns back to Funk. It gets into the ring. -Didn't Bigelow lose a lot of weight at one time? Call off the search party, he's found it. -Funk was wandering around with a trash can jammed over him. Bam Bam swatted away with a chair. Neither man was putting in the extra "oomph". Tony, however, made Nitro history when his voice completely cracked off the sentence, "Funk... basically... cannot defend himself here. With the trashcan around his hEEAAd!" (WHOA!! You okay there Tony? Did those nuts go and finally drop on you?) -Bam Bam was about to finish him off, then Miller ran in, positioned himself, and did a cartwheel, both feet swung into the chair, which swung into Bigelow's face. Bam Bam went down, Funk fell on top of him still lodged in the can. The Ref counted to three and it was over. -Funk celebrated a little, then Miller threw him out and announced that he was going to dance. We heard him speak but could not see his lips move... I'd wager 99% of the audience would have preferred it the other way around. -Miller. Eric'll get him over YET!!!!!! His son's entire Karate career depends on it! -The Announcers get a little face time. Tony speeds raps the entire Hogan/Kidman storyline thus far... 5 seconds. -Tony brings up Bret Hart's last second appearance from last week... 15 seconds -Footage of last week. Bret whacks Hogan with the chair. Well thank GOD!! I thought we would have to wait until the September season premiere to get THAT cliffhanger settled! -Back to the Announcers... Tony pushes "Thunder", where answers to questions that have yet to even be asked tonight will STILL go unanswered. 55 seconds. The eyes are bulging. -Madden opens his mouth and breathes in deeply... BOOYA!! 58 SECONDS USING THE NOSE!! A PERSONAL RECORD! WAY TO GO MARK!!! -Madden WANTED to say something but the Schiavone mouth plowed ahead. He settled for kissing his fingers and giving us the Peace sign. I responded with a digit of my own. There ya' go, Boyo. -Billy Kidman came out with Torrie. Kidman had dressing around his ribs and tape over said dressing. Now, I'm no Doctor, (well, I am... but if I get caught doing this column by the Hospital, I'm screwed... so SHHH), but shouldn't the tape be UNDER the dressing? -Madden points out that Hart is a lot closer to being a Millionaire than being a "New Blood". Closer? He got 4 million over 3 years, plus whatever Vince paid him. Nothing close about it, Bret IS a millionaire. -OOOph look at that ass. Torrie's ain't half bad either. -They hit the ring, Kidman had a mic and was fixin' to use it. -First he asked someone to explain this "Easter" nonsense to him... Oh Billy, you so crazy. -Then he got to business and described how Hulk Hogan tried to run him over with the Hummer last week because he realized that Kidman was more man than even Hogan could handle. (sigh). - It ALMOST killed him, but Kidman is still standing. He told "Terry" that if the fans really want to see the "Red an Yellow", then HE can bring the yellow, and Billy will bring the red. Hogan's BLOOD!!!! -Kidman stunned the world by adding, "and just like that... that..." oh maybe not... more silly Easter nonsense that I'm better off self-editing. -Kidman just promised to start this tonight, and finish this at Slamboree. At Slamboree, he's bringing out the BIG GUNS... his ACCOUNTANTS!!!!!! (I don't even know what that means. Well, I actually do, but it's so vague and so weak that... that... ugh) -Backstage, Eric Bischoff, Jeff Jarrett, and Kimberly are all walking. They pass a nearby monitor and see Kidman leaving. Bischoff wonders what Billy is up to, then asked if he was out of his mind, which makes no sense if he is supposed to have had no clue what Kidman was doing there in the first place. It's so... so... so HIM. -He asks Kimberly if she has "the papers". Kimberly showed him the roll in her hand, which were in her hand since the moment we first saw them, which begs the question why would Eric even ask if they were so obviously in her... ARRRRGH I CAN'T STAND THIS ILLOGIC!!! -Eric also told Kimberly to lose her coat. FINALLY... THE MAN MAKES SENSE! -commercials -Backstage, Vince Russo tells Norman Smiley that he cannot beat Terry Funk. Norman pleads his case. Vince tells him to find a "pawtner" of his choice and fight Terry Funk at Slamboree. Norman knows exactly who to get. I see a name in my head... and that name is... Danny Bonaduce! No, that can't be right... can it? -Jeff Jarrett comes out with Bischoff and Kimberly. They take an unusual amount of time getting there?!? -Everyone hits the ring and Jarrett gets a little fireworks action. Both Eric and Kimberly seem to be enjoying the actions of one fan in particular. One fan out of camera range. I may be nutso, but I THINK Kimberly was doing some sort of haggling... naaah -We see that... oh Christ NONONONO. David Arquette is at ringside. THWE MVIE IS DEAD IN THE WATER!!! IT DID NOT PASS GO, IT BARELY COLLECTED $200 DOLLARS!!! MOVE ON DAVID!!! MOVE AWAY!!!! -ZEN MOMENT OF THE YEAR... two HUGE signs behind Arquette that said, "BEST MOVIE EVER" on one and "POLICE ACADEMY 5" on the other. -Tony reminded us that "Ready to Rumble" was STILL in theaters. -Then Tony called it a "hit"... the only "hit" I know of was my jaw hitting the ground after hearing Tony say that. What balls. What audacity. -Camera went close on Arquette. Who started booing and hissing feverishly. He's had nose work done... recently. -Jarrett got on the stick and said that since DDP wants to be a movie star, Jarrett will let him star in HIS movie, "The Chosen One Kicks DDP's Ass Up and Down a Three Tier Cage" (from the makers of "Real Reasons Men Commit Crimes" and other long ass, forgettable films) -For those of us who didn't get a chance to see "Ready to Rumble" (think the population of China... CUBED) Jarrett had a sample of what he was talking about. -We see the Triple cage match from the movie. They WOULD have pulled out the old "Thunderdome" cage matches from the archives, but both matches involved Kevin Sullivan. Sorry kids, but you have a better chance of pooping out hundred dollar bills than you do of seeing Sullivan on ANY WCW show again. -watchtheywilltossthebastardprickoutnextweek justtoshowmyassupfrigginbischoff -Jarrett promised loads of pain and plenty of post-match Ben Gay for all Dallas. -Bischoff starts speaking. Incredibly, so thunderous is his voice... so mighty is his being... so GODLIKE IS HIS VERY PRESENCE!!! WE CAN ACTUALLY HEAR HIM WITHOUT ANY MICROPHONES!!!! -Of course, there WAS a microphone... either on his person or by way of the Boom mic just out of camera range, but we aren't supposed to know this. -Jarrett tried to get the hand mic near his mouth, but Eric PUSHED IT AWAY!!! WHO NEEDS TECHNOLOGY WHEN MY ENTIRE SPIRIT CRACKLES WITH DYNAMIC ELECTRICITY SENT FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE!!!!! HA HA HAAAAA -Bischoff told Dallas Page to come on out and take part in getting Eric over. -Page came out. Like the rest of us common, 9-5ers who make bad movies, write bad autobiographies, and drive ‘Vettes, Dallas needs a hand mic. He tells the sound guy to kill the music, and asks Kimberly just what she thinks she is doing with these "Jagoffs"? -Kimberly has a mic too (jeeze, with those lungs?). She informs her husband that FINALLY, she is in the "driver's seat". (Umm, does that imply the use of a strap on?) -Kimberly said that Bischoff "enlightened" her about certain things pertaining to her career, a career BEYOND this silly "wrestling" and these silly "wrestling Marks". (Uhh, Hon, many of these Marks are now currently staring at the clocks waiting for RAW. We've seen both Miller AND David Arquette within the first 30 minutes... consider us officially GONE. -Basically, Kimberly wanted a divorce. She said so right there. -Page asked her if she was out of her friggin' mind (she's a chick... what mind?). -Then Dallas tried a little Barry White on her. "Baby, come on, we can work this out." -Kimberly didn't want to work it out. Page said that he wouldn't just walk away. Kimberly told him not to embarrass himself and look on the bright side, now he can take down the Funhouse mirrors that distort Kimberly's face back into a 20 something!! -(of course, for the record, I'll NEVER get a piece as fine as Kimberly, but it's okay to bust on her because she's like all the other hotties who have burned not only me, but you too. WHEN I RAG ON THESE BROADS!!! I SPEAK NOT ONLY FOR ME, BUT FOR LOSERS WORLDWIDE!!!! FOR LOSERS LIKE YOU!!!!!!) -Eric got involved, insisting that they don't need any silly lawyers. Oh really? Then who, pray tell, gets custody of Al Isaacs? -One thing led to your mother and... -Page grabbed Eric and proceeded to describe in detail what he is about to do to him just so long as Jarrett doesn't whack him with the Guitar before he can finish describing in great detail just what he's about to do to him. -Jarrett whacked Page with the Guitar... DAMN HIM!!! -It got messy... Eric was about to stand triumphant, when.. -David Arquette jumped in and attacked Eric. He knocked him down and began weak selling some lame body shots on Eric's well padded torso. -Schiavone, of course, sold this about as feverishly as he would have sold Christ stepping out of his tomb, had Tony been alive back then. -Bischoff walked away, wondering just what the Hell hit him. -He turned around. Sometime during this, Kanyon showed up. Oh Joy. -Bischoff decided to use the hand mic now and expressed outrage at jobbing to David Arquette. TRUST ME... he wasn't the ONLY one outraged by Arquette's appearance. -Of course, ever the master of stupid timing, Madden claimed that THIS is what wrestling fans WANT TO SEE!!! -What is UP with Arquette's nose? The things looks all sorts of bent. Is he back on the powder? The white stuff? The Colombian Sweet ‘n Low? -Eric called Arquette "Mr. Courtney Cox". Heh -Eric questioned the audacity of Arquette coming into his "house" and embarrassing him in front of "his fans" (well, okay... at least that was in character). -Of course, Eric challenged the Idiot. The Idiot calmly accepted, promising to "1-800-Kick-Your-Butt". Then he added the stip that if he beats Eric, then DDP gets a title shot tonight, in a cage. I DEFY you not to stare at that horror scene he calls a nose. -Eric agreed, much to Jarrett's dismay. -Backstage, and FAAAR away from that booked crap we just witnessed, Russo was busy with his own thing, promising Brian Adams and B. Brian Clark a title shot so long as they do him a favor. The plot thickens as we are pulled away to a fresh batch of... -commercials -so far, NOTHING they have shown is making me wish RAW was pre-empted tonight -Footage of what just happened. I believe that his tossing around Arquette puts Jarrett in the running as "Wrestler Who Has Bitchslapped The Most Annoying Actors". (Remember Ben Stiller? Last Summer? Although I kind of like Stiller myself, but many folks don't, so he qualifies as "annoying".) -Backstage, Jarrett asks Bischoff what his "freaking" problem is. (Jeeze, how much time do ya' got?) Eric assures him that no goofy actor with a freaky nose can take him. Then he orders Jarrett to go fetch Kidman. Jarrett hops to. -Elsewhere, Sting is lurking around, calling for Vampiro. It would have been cooler if he was clinking a few beer bottles together with his fingers, but maybe I expect too much? -Chris Candido comes out with the Cruiserweight belt and Tammy something or another. I DO agree with Madden in once sense, The former Ms. Sunny has a LOT to offer the profession, so long as she keeps her head on straight. -Tammy gets on the mic and asks if we missed her? Umm... am I crazy or is something up with HER nose too? -Plus, she's gained a bit of weight. She ain't fat, but... oh screw it, she's had a rough year or two. Let it go. -"It's about time WCW brought out a REAL lady who knows how to titillate all the guys out there!" (Here... I say HERE F-ING HERE!!!) -Err... what's up with her voice too? -Then she told Paisley that she obviously had no idea what men want to see, and with a strong (and a bit congested) voice; she said, "I'm BACK!" and took off her gown. -White tank top, miniskirt. She can still work it. -The Artist came out with Paisley. Trust me, if you were him, you'd be looking depressed to the point of suicide too. -This was a mixed tag team match.... Russo Style! -Meaning... within 10 seconds The Fartist and Candido knocked heads and went down. -4 seconds later, Tammy and Paisley circled each other, then laid on top of their respective male opponents for the pin. Both men kicked out. -3 seconds later, the girls were both up and circling each other. the men rolled out of the ring. Tammy started yelling at Paisley in a deep, froggy voice that I never DREAMED she could have produced. -1.5 seconds later, they were rolling around. -5 seconds later, Tammy mounted the top corner and SWAN DOVE out of the ring and onto the men. She got up with her arms held high... now THAT IS A STATEMENT DAMMIT!!!!!!! -11.5 seconds later, The Artist had Tammy in the ring and up into a suplex. Long enough for the kids to get a nice beaver shot (so long as the Beaver is covered in a thong and facing the opposite direction of the camera). Candido saved her. -Oh... I'd say 4 seconds later, Candido clotheslined Paisley, then Tammy stood over her and mocked Sable's "Grind" move. (She never liked the chick, I sense a bit of jealousy as a reason) -Tammy knelt on Paisley and scored the pin. HERE'S TO A NICE, LONG, SOBER CAREER AS ONE OF WCW'S FEW BRIGHT SPOTS!!!! I like this girl. -Candido can stay too, he ain't bad. -So, according to my numbers, this match was 39 seconds long. -Segments collide as Sting came out. Not really walking, not really running, not really jogging... more like determined canter. Tammy tried to get the Nitwit out of there, but he ate a Death Drop anyway. -Sting got on the stick, declared it officially "Showtime" and called out Vampiro for more learning. -He said that since this is Monday Nitro, and since VampIRO thinks he is a VampIRE, why don't they make this a "First Blood Match", even though I can't really recall having EVER seen Sting blade, although I'm sure he has. -Backstage, Kanyon and Page drive Arquette into a state of frenzy. I DEMAND that either Russo of Bischoff explain to either Ryder or Scherer why they INSIST ON EXPOSING US TO THIS SILLY, SILLY SHIT!!!!!!!!! WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE WE EVER SHOWN TO BE RECEPTIVE TO THIS????? -Oh, I hope RAW kills them again this week, worse than last week. These guys have GOT to learn. -commercials -Moments ago Sting ring did his thing and turned into Ben Grimm... good luck figuring that one out. -Tony, Hudson, and Madden decided to have a contest as to who could say that Arquette/Bischoff would be happening at the top of the hour most in the span of 60 seconds. Hudson won with 11 times. Tony came in second with 4. Madden said it twice then tried to eat his own tongue. -They are going to combat the RAW opening with David Arquette vs Eric Bischoff. Just... just read that sentence a few times and chew it over. -Meanwhile, Lex Luger is on his way to the ring with Elizabeth. Ric Flair is lurking behind them. All of them enter the ring. -Brian Adams and Brian Clark come out with their official name being "Kronic", obviously because if you re-arrange the letters, you get "ROCKIN"...(plustheymay havesmokedadoobieonceortwiceintheirlife). -Does THIS match have anything to do with Russo's "favor" he wanted them to perform? Does a Web Master spend 75% of his day sitting in from of a computer letting the fat congeal in his ass and stomach? -The bell rang, Flair is in street clothes again. Is he trying to make a statement? -almost immediately, Ms Handcock, Buff Bagwell, and Shane Douglas came out. Douglas had a bat. Douglas used a bat. Flair was pinned after the bat and Kronic's finishing move, called the "High Tide", which is virtually identical to the "H-Bomb" accept that the Harris Boys have no nifty pot references attached to their characters or moves. Flair was pinned. Am I the only one who doesn't see Flair taking this much longer? -Everyone under 40 celebrated. Then "Rockin" attacked the tag champs because they've climbed the ladder, paid their dues, are still pretty much heatless, and look like someone pumped Helium into every major muscle. WHY AREN'T THEY HOLDING EVERY TITLE IN THE COMPANY????? -Mean Gene Okerlund spoke with Vampiro. Vamp called Sting, "old, weak, and whacked", then said that he would like nothing better than to stick his finger in Sting's eye and watch him scream like a BITCH. (Anal sex will get the job done just as quickly). He finally agreed to the match. -Elsewhere, Bischoff was lecturing Kidman on the dangers of messing with the ONE man in the company who gets to control his own Book. He had Mike Awesome with him as living proof (It's Eric's world, kids, we just have to try to follow along). -commercials -Mean Gene talked to Bischoff, Kidman, Awesome, and the Girls. Well, he talked to Eric. Well, he stood there as Eric said that Mike Awesome would be in the ring with Kidman tonight and he, Eric, would be the guest referee for the PPV match. Obviously, Eric spent HIS off time studying the WWF. Hulk was so despised in the Locker room, that he didn't think anyone would help him out. Suddenly, it's Hulk against impossible odds and this storyline looks INCREASINGLY SIMILAR TO EVERY SINGLE STORYLINE HULK HOGAN HAS BEEN IN HIS LIFETIME!!!! -Mike Awesome came out. Gee, now THIS is a fast turn out. -Billy Kidman came out with Silicone Head. She had a straw in her mouth... feel free to make your own painfully easy joke. -Tony announces that every male member of Team Package had to be Hospitalized. Madden goofed Flair. A month ago, Madden was up Flair's ass with a Mag-light... this guy is following the "heel announcer" rulebook to a "T", isn't he? No original ideas shall cross his mind. -Hulk Hogan came out wearing a black vest with "F.U.N.B" on the back. WAIT, WAIT... LET ME GUESS... "FunBag"? "FunBoy"? "Fags Unite Now Brothers"? (Oh dear God, not Terry!?!?) -Hogan said that the "N.B" stood for "New Blood", and invited us to figure out what "F.U" meant. Err... "Forever Unchained"? IS IT FOREVER UNCHAINED????? -Shouldn't it be "F.Y.N.B."? -Hogan entered the ring and the double team was on. Hulk tossed them both out of the ring, but not before Awesome was nice enough to bounce off the ropes half a dozen times in rapid fashion in order to sell a few punches Three Stooges style.... (BOING... D'oh... BOING... D'oh... BOING... D'oh... BOING... D'oh!) -Hogan jumped out. Awesome attacked. Hogan has never sold to any ECW douche and he ain't about to start now. -Hogan had his weight belt off. Even though Kidman was the one he wanted, he focused most of his attention on Awesome. Oh, I think he'll get his hands on Kidman for... oh... maybe 10 seconds before someone runs in and ends the match. -Kidman ran in, got a few shots, took a double clothesline with Awesome, then rolled out and watched. -Hogan beat Awesome around, at one point he took Awesome over to the Announce table and barked something into Madden's face. At this point, I'm through caring. -JUST as I was about to launch into a MAJOR bitchfest about how we were all suckered and this is a typical Hogan feud right down the line.... -Hogan is doubleteamed enough so that he's got an excuse to blade up, then Awesome pulls out a table. Kidman gets himself more fully involved now. -Kevin Nash is seen sauntering around backstage, and let me tell you, NOBODY saunters better than Kevin Nash. -Hogan ends up dumped on a table, we see this backstage on a tiny monitor that Nash is watching. -Then, Awesome sets up ANOTHER table and puts Hogan on it. Kidman mounts the top rope and Superflies Hogan through the F-ing thing. Kidman pins Hogan easy after that. No Hulk outs here. -Kidman celebrates, throws a Legdrop on Hogan. Nash runs out, swats the pair around a bit. -Then Torrie comes in with a Chyna shot to the groin. Nash goes down. Awesome wraps his leg around the post once or twice. The little guys leave the big guys out. -Okay, so it IS a typical Hogan feud, but it's tweaked a bit. It's fun to watch. F-You. You are no real American, you don't fight for the rights of every man. -backstage, are you ready for Bischoff/Jarrett? No? Then flip the channel while us recappers suffer through this. I'd do it too if I was you. -commercials -Eric Bischoff came out. One thing's for sure, he didn't miss many meals during his time away. Either that or he's loaded up with padding. -Kimberly was with him. Jarrett too -David Arquette came out. Has he ever HEARD of a barbell? -Page was with him. Kanyon too, probably. -sigh... Bischoff used is Mastery of the Martial Arts for a while. -Then Arquette speared him. Tony had a bowel movement live on camera. -It's times like this when I am reminded just how fake all this is. -Arquette performed the WORM!!! OH THOSE LITTLE C-SUCKERS!! -Jarrett and DDP tussled and the Ref was caught in the middle, so he's down. Arquette was on top of Eric patiently waiting for this all to end. Eric played dead. -Jarrett entered the ring. Arquette stared at him. -Bischoff plowed into Arquette. Arquette went down. -Jarrett hit Bischoff with the guitar by accident and Arquette won the match. Because Hollywood ALWAYS wins... ALWAYS!! -I hope this show bombs. I hope Nitro TANKS. This new Era is NOTHING. It's Goddam Bischoff bringing in celebrities, it's Goddam David Arquette weighing 90 pounds and playing out his stupid fantasies. This SUCKS!! -Sting is in the rafters, looking around. GOOD!!! I guess the death of Owen Hart taught them nothing EITHER!!! -commercials -backstage, Arquette, Kanyon, and some blonde in a bikini pour champagne all over each other. I thought Arquette was a recovering Alcoholic? I hope he falls off the wagon and bangs that Blonde on live TV in front of his wife!!!! -You know why Jimmy Caan RULES??? Because he raised a son who knows when it's time to MOVE ONTO THE NEXT PROJECT!!!!!! -Okerlund is there to hear Bischoff tell Jarrett that he's defending the title tonight, and if he don't like it... tough titty said the kitty -Scott Steiner comes out. He's gonna be on a live microphone. -Along the way to the ring, Steiner stops to yell at a fan. The camera cuts away with GREAT urgency. It would not do ANYONE any good if Scotty snapped at tore him up some ass on live TV. It would be ratings gold, of course... but the bad outweighs the good. -He gets on the mic, and opens up about all the "bitches" he's bagged. He managed a rhyme or two, but I'm sure they were merely happenstance. -Steiner says that he went to New York last week to find Booker T's "jive ass". (If he calls him a Turkey, I am quitting the column early) -Steiner told Booker that sometime tonight, he's going to stick his boot up his ass so deep that he'll be flossing with his shoe laces. I am simply too lazy to point out who boot is going up which ass. -He decided not to wait, and called out Booker right then and there. -Booker came out in black shades and all leather. He's a complicated man, that no one understands ‘cept his woman. -Booker reminds Steiner that this is NOT Detroit, this is Rochester, New York... (I'm no sociologist, but I'd guess that would explain why there is nary a Black person outside of WCW talent in the entire building. If this were Detroit, there might be a more... "mixed" crowd?) -Booker says that he did what he did last week was business, just business. He did what he did because he had to do it and Steiner was only an unfortunate incidental. Now, Booker ain't gonna cowtow to this powder white boy. This ain't no apology, but since they are in New York, they can either get along, or get it OWON!! - With that, Booker entered the ring. Scotty had to fine females with him. They got in Booker's face. I THINK Booker MIGHT have called them "Titty Women", but I cannot verify. -I DO know that Booker said to the girls that if they don't step off and get on out of his face, well... once you go Black, you never go back! (PREACH!!! BROTHER SPEAKS THE TRUTH!!!!!) -One of them slapped T. Then Steiner attacked. Physically with punches and emotionally with frequent uses of the word, "Boy"! Mankind will NEVER evolve... NEVER. -Tony says that they are fresh out of time and simply MUST break away. Madden and Hudson BEG him to stay on. Tony refuses... reminding them that we all caught a lucky break and were able to get the Bischoff match in it's entirety. Alas, for now though, we must break for some... -commercials -during the break, WCW broke this up. -backstage, Page was lacing up -backstage, Russo was explaining to Douglas and Bagwell that they have to fight Kronic right now. Explaining turned into insisting. I am sick of this ALL. -Adams and Clark came out. -Douglas and Bagwell came out, Vince Russo joins the Announcers. I don't know if he was being serious, but Madden publicly thanked Russo for delivering matches like this one that "all the fans want to see", (uhh, was there REALLY a public demand for Crush and Adam Bomb's continued success?) -Russo, "I said it once, I'll say it again... WCW, ‘We Can Win'!" (HAA!! With David Arquette vs Eric Bischoff to combat the opening of RAW? WANNA BET?????) -I'll say this now and I'll say it again... "WCW, not with Bischoff in charge!" -We see that Russo has taken to wearing Flair's watch around his neck. Gee, an Italian guy from New York with gold around his neck? I wonder if he's trying to start a trend or something? -ahh... I opened a fresh can of Cope and started a fresh pot of Coffee, we are on the SECOND WIND BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO -Russo called the watch a "twophy" and promised, "plenny more where that came from with Ric Flaieh" -Clark worked briskly on Buff. Russo maintained that "the bigga they are, the hawder they fawl. Sadly, if you asked me to define "briskly" as used in this sentence, I wouldn't have a clue. -Buff fought back. Hudson lowered his voice into a deeply outraged husk and tried to make his presence felt. As weird as it sounds, as contradictory to the last 2+ years of this column as it may be... as God, Satan, and that fruit, Allah as my witness... I SWEAR... Tony Schiavone is out performing Scott Hudson! Can you BELIEVE that?? -Douglas took what looked to be a Double Hot Shot. It also looked like it injured him quite nicely. -Douglas tagged in Bagwell. Clark tagged in Adams. Adams took care of business and cleaned house. After nailing Buff with a Full Nelson slam, Russo asked, "Whaddo dese guys eat for Breaafast?" Hudson shot back, "New Blood members!" Well, that kinda craps all over my above statement about Tony being superior doesn't it? F#@$ing. -Big sign reading "PFB RULES"... yessiree, there is nothing wrong with a little Peanut F-Ing Butter. -The Ref went flying, ROCKIN lifted Shane up for that Marijuana move. Bagwell grabbed his waist and held on. ROCKIN threw Shane away and did the move on Buff. Russo ran in with a bat and clocked Clark. Clark sold it for a second, then whipped around and stared. Douglas ran back in. Both wrestlers clearly saw each other, but Clark still turned Russo around so his back was to Shane (sigh). Clark prepped Russo for the Pump Handle Slam. Shane picked up the bat. Shane used the bat (whoa... deja vu). Buff pinned Clark. Russo made the count. Tag champs are still tag champs. -backstage, Tank Abbott is walking very, very gingerly. With purpose. With a MISSION. Madden's mission was to be obnoxious. Mission accomplished. -commercials -Tank Abbott is out. Madden claims to believe in Jesus. (well, then why can't Mark die for our sins too?) -We are treated to a replay of Madden rolling around on his belly. I'm sure I am among the folks whom this is for. It's our reward for that Arquette fiasco. -It's not enough -Madden chants "serenity now, serenity now" as Tank hits the ring. -Tank grabs the mic and trash talks Goldberg. (Where IS that guy anyway?) -Tank says it's time to beat someone up. madden cowers. Hudson says, "Take Mark!" -Tony tells Scott to get under the desk. MY GOD!!!! TONY'S A QUEEN???!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! -Tank drops the mic and looks around. Madden whines that Tony didn't help him two weeks ago. Tony says, "That's right, and we're not gonna help you tonight!" (HA!! Good one!!) -Tank walks around. Makes his way towards Madden. Mark tries to climb over the two foot high guard rail. It might as well have been 20 feet and covered with barbed wire... Fat F**k -Tank chases a camera guy. -Tank attacks some bald guy. We are told that it's Bob Ryder. -... -... -*spittake* -BOB RYDER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!!? I THOUGHT HE WAS IN HIS 60'S?!?!?!?!!? -So that's Bob Ryder? -Tank is on top of Ryder. Jeremy Borash jumps on top of him. Tank laughs, slams him in the corner, and knocks him with a pretty stiff looking shot across the face. -Bill Banks was in. Bill Banks was out. -WCW Security runs in. It ends the segment. -This makes two out of the top four 1wrestling folks who have been nailed by Tank. Certainly, Georgie is ignored by everyone there, so she's out... that leaves Dave Scherer. -Unless they try to get Al Isaacs involved. That would be... half depressing. -You know, here's the acid test. Have Tank beat the crap out of Shane and Shannon. I mean, have him lay WASTE to Shane and Shannon and make sure the announcers refer to the two as STRICTLY "Shane and Shannon"... THEN, and only THEN will I totally believe that WCW is REALLY involved with the current doings of the Internet. Then, I'll know that they are hardcore. -Hire Missy Hyatt for a night just so Tank can smack her around and the announcers can say "Hyatt is getting KILLED". I'd enjoy that too. -Or, they could just invite me to a show and I'll take the beating myself. -commercials -DDP is out as the cage is on the floor. -Hey, the cage has a roof! -Jarrett comes out. Tony plays up the kayfabe and says that Hudson and madden will man the WCW Live Show after Nitro so Ryder and Borass (come on, it's too easy) can be attended to medically. Hmm, maybe I should call Bob and ask him if he's okay? -Russo was with Jarrett. Tony applauded the genius that is David Arquette for maneuvering Jarrett into this match. Someone should applaud the pecker of David Arquette for banging a Girl who makes $100'000 an episode now and stands to make a shitload more when it's time to sign the new contracts this Summer. -DDP attacks Jarrett outside the cage. They tussle for a while. -Isn't it funny that Page was virtually absent from WCW almost as soon as Bischoff was fired, but the very WEEK Eric's back, Page is headlining two PPV's in a row? -They get into the cage. Page knocks Jarrett around a little, but Jarrett rebounds. -Jarrett keeps it up, but Page fights back. I would LOVE to describe a move or sequence here, but it really was basic stuff. Punches, kicks, and bodyslams for the most part. -Page slammed Jarrett, then signaled for the Diamond Cutter. Mike Awesome was out and tried to get the door opened. -Jarrett fought back. He tried for a body slam, but Page shifted his weight and flipped Jarrett into a Diamond Cutter. -Suddenly, the door was torn open. The Announcers swear that Awesome has strength that rivals Atlas. I'll take their word for it. -Awesome is in. Kanyon is right behind him. -Awesome grabs the Ref's arm in time. There's a pause. -Kanyon rips Awesome off the ref. The Ref says F-it and makes the third slap. Page wins the WCW belt. Obviously, this is either going to stick or Nitro is down to ripping off the WWF from ONLY THE WEEK BEFORE!!!! -David Arquette is out there celebrating too. Remember, Hollywood ALWAYS wins. -The crowd doesn't look too thrilled, by the way. Page was never as popular as they think he is. -commercials -footage of what we just saw. Ahh, Awesome DID rip the door off it's hinges. -Moving quickly, they get right to... -Vampiro, who has gotten increasingly more "wiggy" in the past 3 weeks. -Madden claims that there are only two rules in life. 1) There is always a victim and 2) Don't BE the victim. I don't know, can YOU think of anyone who might benefit from this sage advice? -Sting comes down from the rafters. Ahh screw it. Owen was a tragic accident, no more. Let the Stinger FLY!!!!! -Vampiro hasn't seen Sting yet. Oops, there he is. -Vampiro goes after him. Sting can't get that friggin' harness off. -The harness is off just in time. It's on. -Sting has problems getting vamp over the top rope. It took two separate attempts. -Come on Borden, TAKE OFF THAT OVERCOAT!!! HAVEN'T YOU ANY FEELING TOWARDS THE COLUMBI... -The coat comes off. Good man. -Vampiro is outside. He wipes the Announcer table clean of paperwork and Madden's can of Slim Fast (WHAT???? WHO IS HE KIDDING??) -Vampiro leaps on top of the table, makes goo goo eyes at Sting, then slowly slits his thumb across his throat. -Suddenly, I flashback to Papa Shango and the Ultimate Warrior. Suddenly, I get afraid. I get very, very afraid. -Next thing we see, at least twenty gallons of deep red liquid drops from the ceiling and onto Sting. For some reason, Tony sees fit to call it pretty much anything BUT blood. -Isn't it odd that TWO weeks after I discuss Stephen King... and ONE week after I make a joke about Sissy Spacek being at RAW, covered with red stuff, and looking pissed... that... that... hmm, let me think about this. -Sting is stunned, and slipping about in this goo. Vampiro walks in and cheerfully dumps him right in the middle. -Pretty much the majority of the New Blood run in. Sting is knocked about as best as possible by a group of guys who are busy slipping around themselves. -Then, they drag Sting OUT of the ring and re-hook him to his harness. The harness is lifted upwards. -The show ends with a "bloody" Sting swinging about around 8 feet in the air. It really is an image. I wouldn't recommend it to children. The again, there is precious little about the average RAW that I would recommend to children. In fact, I'd ban wrestling all together. We'd all be better off getting some fresh air. Raw wins. Why? Arquette. Need more? No you don't. Okay, a quick Closer this week. I had amassed so many little known facts for last week's closer that I had some left over. Since last week's load were well received (i.e.: nobody complained), I thought I'd take a break from any real closer work and throw the rest of the stuff in here. So, here are what's left of... STUFF I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T: (The leftovers) -In keeping with the Holiday spirit, Mary was only 12 years old when she gave birth to Jesus. -Gay men give the best oral sex. (let's not be predictable and ask how I know this, okay?) -Some Whales have 2 small, undeveloped legs inside their body. -Cancer is simply the multiplication of cells. The problem is that the brain never tells the cells to stop multiplying. That's all Cancer really is. -If time travel would EVER be possible, then we would have been visited by someone from the future already with a warning about some impending disaster. -Next time someone tells you about an amazing Palm Reader they just saw, explain to them that those lines on the palm really are just scar tissue created because babies do not have the strength to open their palms flat. Then punch them in the face. -Joan of Arc was a Hermaphrodite. -2/3rds of the world's gold comes from a small region in South Africa -Almost no one ever gets murdered in Sweden -Franklin was one of the 50 states until 1796. Then they changed the name to Tennessee. -Don't believe the re-assurances. Size DOES matter to all women. Except Nuns. (I can vouch for this) -If the human population continues to increase at the present rate, by the year 3500 there will be enough humans to equal the mass of the Earth . By the year 6800, the total mass of flesh and bones will equal the mass of the known Universe. -The only country in the world where no one is born is Vatican City -Why are the two fingers on each side of our hand smaller than the middle ones? Because they used to be melded together. The Index finger is longer and stronger because we've use it more than any other digit. We also used to have one big toe split from the rest of the foot. -The one thing that every religion has in common is they are all opposed to suicide. -Shoes were made to fit either foot until 1850 -You're more likely to be attacked by a Cow than by a Shark -The average Rolls Royce owner owns a fleet of no less than 6 cars. -The suicide rate of cities where Gambling is legal is twice that of cities where gambling is not legal. (DUUUH) Vatican City is a country right? Maybe it's just a city. Either way, nobody's getting born there. HEY!! BIG Credit to ANYONE going to Backlash who brings a sign that reads, "AUSTIN GOT FAT". I am going away now. Next week, a MOP-UP UNLIKE ANYTHING EVER SEEN BEFORE!!! eh... who am I kidding? Same crap, different week. Frank Burns RULED! This is Hyatte