Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the April 24 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Loved your Sinatra, but who was that Carnac guy? Or did you make him up" - some kid on ICQ. Now I officially feel like an old fart. Might as well start working for Ryder now. "I refuse to believe that you've ever proofread your mop-ups." - Barry Petchesky, Scoops Wrestling Well, now that I don't have Remy pouring through every detail anymore... Yeah well, I'm Chris and this is the Moo Goo Gai Pan. Not a whole lot of stuff to talk about really, so I guess it'll be a quick week. Kicking things off, I screwed up my Presidents last week, Andrew JOHNSON was the drunken racist who may have orchestrated the assassination of Abe Lincoln, not Andrew JACKSON... who was ALSO a drunken racist. At the time of the writing, I had Jackson on my mind and Johnson in my hand, so you can see... the error is reasonable. Here's a little advice for ANY of you who plan on holding a Cuban boy in your home and refusing to release him to the Government... when the Government says that they will physically extract the boy sometime next week, chances are they will do it in a matter of HOURS. I tell ya', as SOON as I heard that Reno was planning on moving in sometimes this week, I KNEW that the kid would be spending Easter with his Father. Those people in Miami should have snuck the kid out and moved him somewhere else if they wanted to keep him around. Now everyone's wondering if those photos of the kid and his Dad are fake. Well, maybe they are? All those photos look awfully phony, but the PHONIEST picture is the one of the Soldier pointing a gun at the kid and the guy holding him. It's all a set up. There is no kid. IT'S "WAG THE DOG" ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! Now, all I have to do is figure out how the death of "M*A*S*H" star Larry Linville fits into this and I will have the conspiracy FIGURED OUT!!!!!! ME AND OLLY STONE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!!! This DOES have the makings of a good piece of fiction, doesn't it? Mother steals her son away from Cuba on raft, The Mother dies, the kid is picked up on American waters. His Father wants him back, Fidel Castro wants him back, it becomes a Media circus, his Father comes to America, the Justice Department seizes the boy, Boy is reunited with his Father... or IS HE??? Maybe the Boy died on the Plane? Maybe the boy was drugged? Where is his tooth? Why has his hair grown longer? Will the Father want to leave? Or will he want to stay? What will Fidel do if the Father decides to go for Political Asylum too? You KNOW both Father and Son can stand to make a LOAD of money here. Intrigue, drama, action... it's a Tom Wolfe book come to life. Meanwhile, there's a move afoot to install standard drug testing for all wrestlers in New York. If this goes through, the WWF will have effectively lost Madison Square Garden. While yes, it would be a BIG blow financially, it would be a CRIPPLING blow to them spiritually. Imagine how Michael Jordan would feel if he was no longer allowed into Chicago. I wouldn't sweat this though. Vince knows his way around New York politics. How do YOU think he was able to keep WCW Nitro out of MSG? He'll grease a few palms, make a few calls, place a few Horse's heads in a few beds... Vince'll straighten this out. He will NOT lose New York. How the HECK did we take a Holiday which celebrated the Resurrection of God on Earth and turn it into allowing a Giant Bunny hop around your house crapping "eggs" all over the place? I can't figure out how that connection was EVER made. As far as Christmas goes, my theory is that Santa was one of the original Three Wise Men and after Mary dropped the kid, he ran around town handing out gifts to all children in his glee. No actual proof there, it's just a theory of mine as to how Santa was created. FINALLY... if the fact that I have his number doesn't bother him, then why would he go into such a long winded explanation as to why it doesn't? Blackmail... what a typical viewpoint from him. Wouldn't it be fun to NOT act like a persecuted, abused puppy dog for just ONCE? Wouldn't it be nice to do what you want ME to do and take responsibility for your OWN ACTIONS FOR ONCE???? Is ANYTHING that happens to you your fault Sean? ANYTHING AT ALL? Do you BRING ANYTHING ONTO YOURSELF??? Oh yeah, I'm a REAL bully. He hasn't done ANYTHING to keep this feud going. He hasn't had "a few choice words for Chris Hyatte", or "More choice words for Chris Hyatte". He's not promising to throw my ass off the 'net forever. He's not doing ANY of that. He wants me to do my worst? That's the point, idiot... I don't WANT TO DO MY WORST ANYMORE!!! If I did, I would have posted everything I have on you. I don't WANT to do it. It's OVER, Stupid! It was over the moment you started raving about things I said about your Mother from over a YEAR ago. I'm sorry if you're pissed that you could never recover from it. I'm sorry that the best you could have done was talk about a Sister I never had. I'm sorry that more people like me than you. I'm sorry that nobody "gets" you. I'm sorry you were raped at school. I'm sorry your life was so crappy. I'm SURE that if this was 70 years ago, Irish or not, you would have ended up in Auschwitz, I'm sorry about THAT too. I'm SORRY that you've never kissed a girl outside of your family. I'm SORRY you've never kissed a boy. I'm SORRY... I'm SORRY!! Now go make a lame attempt to turn this into a tale of you standing up to me. Since I called you "stupid" and an "idiot", be sure to make a derogatory comment about my intelligence in order to get even. Oh, and don't forget to insult my readers, that's not insane jealousy talking at all. Oh no, no sir.. Well I guess that's enough stuff. It's been a while since I gave him so much exposure. Doesn't really help my cause to kill this feud, does it? I apologize to everyone who is completely bored with this. Trust me, I am too. I think that the next time I am pushed to discuss him will be the killer. Next time, everything comes out. For now though, it's time to celebrate Easter my own special way and resurrect some of the jokes I've been doing for the past two years. Everything old is new again as the Hyatte machine lumbers along... now for the unprecedented 5th week IN A ROW!!!!! RAW IS WAR: (or: Pointless pornography? Time to lose the pants!) -WWF 1 Nation: Dear God, not New York. -opening theme. Blink and you'll miss the quick shot of the nastiest clothesline in recorded history. -Here be the thunder. The fire. The... FURY!!! -Speaking of fury... err... FURY, Jim Ross FURIOUSLY begins the show by pushing the upcoming PPV and that certain someone who will be making his return there. I'll give you a hint... He's bald. -No, not Hulk Hogan. -No, not Baron Von Raschke either. -Goldberg? Give me a break. He's been with WCW since the day of it's inception, he's single handily took WCW from number 2 and bum rushed it past the WWF into the number 1 promotion (andbackdowntonumber2andalmostnumber3butletsforgetthatlittlefact). Goldberg IS WCW... Goldberg ain't going ANYWHERE!!! -Listen to him brag for ten seconds... you'll believe too. -Baron Von Raschke? Where'd I pull THAT name out of? -BVR had a KILLER closer to all his mic work though... "That's all you need to KNOWWWW". Great stuff. -They are in Raleigh, North Carolina. Nice to see them squeeze a show in between Hurricanes. I'm amazed this state hasn't caved into the Atlantic yet. Or is that South Carolina? Like there's a difference. -BIG sign reading, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THIS SIGN SAYS!" Yet, you hold it up high for all to read? You've caught us in the proverbial Catch 22. WE'VE ALL BEEN PLAYED BY A MARK, PEOPLE!!! HIDE YOUR HEADS IN SHAME!!! -Kicking things off is Kurt Angle, who still looks dazed after being blindsided so harshly out of that mondo double title push he was getting. Geeze, he was doing GREAT... who'd he piss off? -Angle had a mic, he said that the question on EVERYONE'S mind is... "Why Kurt? Why, instead of concentrating on Championship gold, are you concentrating on the Big Show?" (Actually, the question on MY mind was, "Does the fact that I have to kiss my hand while masturbating make me a loser?"... but how would Kurt know that?) -Angle answered "OUR" question by saying that the Big Show was a "big ass"... and in the "too ironic to be a coincidence" department, Angle's opponent for right now, is Rikishi. -Angle blended all sorts of storylines in by saying that if Rikishi's parents practiced abstinence, then maybe we wouldn't have been exposed to that "repulsive, awful rectum" that we see today. (umm, excuse me, but aren't ALL rectums "awful and repulsive"? I mean, have you LOOKED at one? Us guys, we NEVER wipe properly, there's ALWAYS stains up in there. Why do you think gay guys do it in the dark? They don't want to LOOK at it!) -And what exactly are you doing looking at rectums anyway? Homo! -Rikishi came out. Ross passes along their condolences to X-Pac and his family for their "recent loss". He wouldn't give details. Last time he didn't give details, Patterson's life mate passed on. Now, Lord knows I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but if you put two and two together... well, looks like "Aunt Charlie" got a hold of a rabid Gerbil. Poor bastard. -... -... -... -anyone else think that maybe I was better off being edited? -'Kishi waddled in. Angle went on the offensive. -Rikishi got a few shots in, Angle got a few shots in, Rikishi bounced back. Angle shoved the Ref in Rikishi's way. The Ref got bumped. The Ref DQed Angle. TBS ran in. Angle took a sidewalk slam. Rikishi jammed his ass in Angle's face, Angle ran. Ross reminded us that Angle vs the Show in 6 days. Ricky Girishi did a dance. What's on Nitro? -My question is... Vader was thrown out of the WWF for being fat, Mark Henry is in the doghouse for being fat, Yokozuna isn't wanted anywhere because they're afraid his heart will explode in the middle of the ring, poor Blue Meanie hasn't been seen because HE'S fat. Rikishi is basically ALL blubber and he's smack dab in the middle of a push? AND HE GETS TO WEAR A THONG??? Why? -Backstage/outside, the DX Express pulls up. Shane McMahon, Treeple Haitch, and Stephanie step out. Road Dogg must have hitched a ride in the Luggage compartment, oh... the hardships one must go through when they are not being pushed. Alas... alas. -commercials. Plug for the movie "Screwed". The trailer offers no discernible plot. Maybe "Ready to Rumble" should have tried that? -The trailer shows Norm MacDonald being beaten up by two kids. Maybe "Screwed" is Sean Shannon's autobiography? I mean, according to him he's been screwed over his entire life? (Waaah Waaah) -Trish Stratus is in a room filled with tables. She likes all sorts of tables, so long as they are hard. Nose, shmoze... I WANT that! -HH and that other consonant comes out with the two McMahon heirs. Looks like it's time for another long winded speech designed to sell the main event and kill time. -Shane gets on the stick and announces that his father will come out when he damn well pleases. -Then he admitted that he can be a bit of a "hot head" (That was Ike Turner's excuse too... that and Tina had a mouth on her, by God), so he apologized to 3H for attacking him last week when he saw his Mother's head between his legs, (I hear his first thought was, "When did we re-hire Lou Albano?") -Shane knows that Hunter has nothing but love for the McMahon clan, and he KNEW that HHH wouldn't REALLY put his Mother in the Pedigree. The fact is, Shane never had a REAL Big Brother before... (Uncle Pat just never cut it), and... well... "I LOVE you, MAN!!!" -They hugged fiercely. Ross called for a barf bag. Lawler was in good spirits, claiming that this would bring a tear to a glass eye, (Referencing Sammy Davis? Ha, I KNEW that Sinatra bit last week would rock!!). -Stephanie got on the mic and said that she had an apology to US, the fans. If Stephanie hurt us in ANY way with her actions. See, Stephanie can empathize, she knows what it's like to have her feelings hurt. We fans only see one side of her (well, we see ALL of her sides, the side we FOCUS on is the side with that giant boot). In reality, she is a "deeply, caring soul", who is "very sensitive". -When we fans chant "that name" at her, she almost CRIES. (I'll tell you what, if her voice gets any higher, I'll be crying as the blood runs down my shoulder blades). -It's not fair that we all pass judgment on her without knowing the real person, (well Jesus. I do that all the time with EVERYONE) -Ross thinks that everyone in the building knows her "very very well" (now THAT must be one achy chooch). -Hunter takes the mic and agrees with his wife. He says that maybe the FANS should be apologizing to her now. They answer with a rousing chant of "ASSHOLE". -Now it's HHH's turn to apologize to us. You see, Hunter was told that perhaps the fans have perceived him as being... unfair with some of the WWF's business decisions? -For instance, was it unfair for HHH to take Chris Jericho's title win and take it off the record books? Thereby UNmaking it? -OR, was it unfair to fire a Referee for making wrong judgment calls? -AND, is it unfair to make the Rock compete in a Lumberjack match so close to Backlash, even though he was so close to getting his ass kicked by him? -ACTUALLY, he IS being unfair... to all us decent, hardworking AMERICAN Recappers who have to go THROUGH THIS NONSENSE!!! OH, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND WRESTLE???????????? GOD, IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES SINCE I MADE A FAG JOKE!!!! -HHH really is a fair guy, both McMahon kids agree, therefore... tonight... -Y2J ticker (will they have to make it Y2+1J next year?) -Explosion... music -He's out... and he's got a microphone... -He welcomes us to RAW is Jericho... -He says that the only thing HHH has to apologize for is "boring these Jerichoholics half to death!" (AMEN and PASS THE GRAVY!!!!) -Week after week, HHH does these "whiny, tedious, monologues... not once realizing that nobody gives a damn about what he has to say?" (Jeeze, doesn't that cover... roughly 95% of the Internet too? Except for me, of course.) -Jericho begged, then changed his mind and PLEADED with HHH to shut the Hell up!! -Jericho thinks that if "Trip" REALLY wants to be fair... he should give Y2J a rematch tonight!!! -HHH mulled it over, then asked Jericho if he REALLY thinks he deserved a reward for sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong? Does he REALLY deserve a title match, after what he said about Stephanie? The little Flower that she is? -Jericho hopped all over "flower" and guessed that Stephanie lost her "flower" a long time ago. (Ever wonder what REALLY happened to Kamala? Well take a wild guess there, Smiley!) -After all, how else did Young Miss Stephanie get that rep as being the "the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgustingly skankiest, brutal, bottom feeding, trashbag Ho in the FIRST PLACE?" (I'll have you know that instead of rewinding that a thousand times in order to get every word, I located last week's Mop-Up and performed a little "cut and paste" action. Not that you CARE about the work I put in for your amusement... F-bags!) -Shane got on the stick and SCREAMED that he was sick and tired of him and the rock making all those comments about his Sister. So, tonight, him and Triple H will fight Jericho and the Rock. -HHH agreed with that. He also denied the "little hot headed half pint" (try saying THAT 5 times fast) and promised Jericho an ass whuppin'. -Meanwhile, Stephanie was teasing Jericho by swinging the WWF title back and forth... baaaack and forth.... baaaack n.... and.... I will watch RAW... I will buy all the t-shirts... I will kill Goldberg... I will kill Phil Mushnick... I am a chicken... bck, bck, bck, bck, bck, bck, bckAAA. -whoa... must've blanked out for a second there. What I miss? -HHH was laid out and Jericho was running up the ramp with the WWF belt. Ross screams that he snatched the belt from Stephanie and clocked HHH with it... how'd I miss THAT? -Why is my gun suddenly in my hand? Why have I put on all black? Why am I sitting on eggs out of my fridge? -By the way, remember when I said that last week was a test to see if Jericho can make it as a headliner? Did you see those ratings? He's in, baby! I'm thinking maybe the PPV before Summerslam? -Next test will be Benoit. They want to get his headliner push going FAST. I would assume. -Backstage, Chyna is behind a well lit curtain getting changed. Eddie Guerrero is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt and a green sports jacket. Chyna takes one look at him and calls him "Gumby". Eddie continues to piddle on his Spanish heritage by delivering the single worse accent since Konan was first pushed. One glance at this is all it'll take for Juan Gonzales to grab his kid, hop on a raft, and paddle straight back to Cuba. -Dude, this even offends ME. -commercials -stuff happened 2.5 minutes ago. They show highlights for you folks busy whacking off at the time. -DURING THE BREAK... Benoit attacked Jericho backstage. I KNEW IT!!! THE MAIN EVENT PUSH IS ON!!!! LORD, I GET SO TIRED OF BEING SO RIGHT ALL THE TIME!!!!! -Road Dogg said that if we didn't know, then our ass better call somebody... (I did already. He keeps hanging up on me mid-sentence, but he doesn't sweat me, oh no) -Let's see... "Chris Benoit, I'm gonna pin'ya, then you'll know what it's like, to have me all up in ya'" (well, he's just PHONING it in now) -Two tears in a bucket (is that a Black thing?), if we ain't down with Dennis Knight, then he's got two words for us... now WHAT happened to Midean? Did he die too? How come Scherer's not all over this? Or did he discuss it between those Polls that everyone skips by? -Chris Benoit came out. I wonder how Nancy's ass held up after birth? She had one FINE booty. -Edge and Christian came out for no reason that I can figure ou... -Ross announced that Edge and Christian were fighting DX on Sunday. Asked and answered, thank you JIMBO!!! -E & C (doesn't he write for Wrestleline?) join the Announcers and do THE COOLEST FRIGGIN' SPOT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!!! -Ross, "We weren't expecting you. We're glad to see you but.." -Christian, "Well, JR, sorry to cut you off there but the reason why we're here is... well, you see in about three or four minutes... if uhhh, the Road Dogg here, in fact DOES get the upper hand. If he's getting jiggy, maybe throwing some jabs and something like that." -Lawler, "Yeah?" -Christian, "We're basically gonna interfere and cost him the match!" -Edge, "You know, in wrestling circles, that's called a ‘run-in'. Derived from the fact that, as it looks like Road Dogg's gonna win the match, we're gonna cause him to lose!" -Lawler, "A run in?" -Christian, "Yeah!' -Lawler, "You hear that JR, they're gonna do a RUN-IN!" -Ross, "Yeah, that's what I heard! And I... somewhat shocked by their BLUNTNESS but ahh.." -Lawler, "Watch out, JR can be sort of ‘markish'" -Edge, "Well JR is always a ‘mark' for Edge and Christian, as well he should be." -Self referential, unconventional, quasi shoot-like. This goes BEYOND cool and ventures DEEP into the territory known as "Sofa King Cool!!" Oh, what a GREAT spot! Just plain AWESOME!!! Get these boys a microphone and 5 minutes of airtime EVERY week. -Meanwhile, Benoit was busy working the white guy with the dreds over (Eminem laughs at you). Torrie comes out. Edge or Christian ask what "trailer trash" wants? JR said, "Well maybe she heard you say what you were going to do?" Edge said they would do it anyway. -Lawler wanted to know about a "run in" again. This is why the King rules. He's been around since the Goddam 1970'S... yet he EVOLVING RIGHT ALONG WITH THE SPORT!!! He ain't no Sammartino, sitting at home crying about the old days and how they are lost forever. -Lawler's been selling chair shots before most of you were first scraped off the mattress. RESPECT THE KING!!!!!!!!! -Road Dogg did a little shuck and jive. Then he went for the pin. Edge and Christian got ready... "Now? NOW??". Benoit kicked out, they settled down. -Benoit was outside the ring, down. Road Dogg was in the ring, ready to take the belt... -Christian, "This seems like a good time!" -Edge, "yeah, it's a good time, let's go." -Lawler, acting like this was his first night in a wrestling ring, "IT'S A RUN IN JR, A RUN IN!!!!" -Christian went to the ring apron, Torrie screamed bloody murder. The Ref looked over. Christian was blocked. -BUT, Edge snuck around and speared Road Dogg. Instead of being flattered, that Goldberg asshole gets pissed whenever someone OTHER than him does this move. -Doggy is down, Benoit does the Flying Headbutt and retains his title. -E & C corner Torrie. then hit the ring and attack Road Dog. Torrie grabs Edge's hair. Edge grabs her, moves in to kiss her. He notices that she has something bobbing up and down in her throat, screams, "HOLY COW!!! SHE'S A HE!!!" Christian gives her that Reverse DDT that is NOT called the "Scorpion Death Drop" in the WWF. Ross has no idea what is going on. Lawler starts to explain that sometimes, people are born with certain... "attributes" that they do not feel comfortable with, but with the help of a few slices of a scalpel and some hormone injections, they can eventually lead healthy, productive lives! Ross says that they just shoot those kinds of people in Oklahoma and be done with it. -Backstage, Kurt Angle walks into the APA's "office" and asks them if they will accept money in exchange for beating up the Big Show. The Acolytes claim that Angle has "brown stuff" over his nose (It's a Pat world after all! It's a Pat, Pat, wooooorld!) Bradshaw explains that they don't beat people up, they PROTECT people... then he tells Angle to bring a LOT of money for their services. Kurt goes to get it, but not before trying to explain to them how all this smoking, drinking, women, swearing, and gambling is not the path to good health. The Acolytes throw beer cans at him and chase him away. Faarooq tells Angle to "take his bidness somewhere else!" No Olympic hero is gonna tell Faarooq to lay off the white meat, by God. -Side note... Angle looked at Bradshaw's cards and commented on his 3 queens. Faarooq folds immediately. Nice subtle move that makes it ALL good. -commercials. Just in time for Easter (or within spitting distance, at least)... is "GLADIATOR". For the Pagans out there, come and see Russell Crowe take out that loudmouth Jesus ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! It's the feel good movie for the WHOLE family!!! -The Big Bossman was showing Stephanie alternative uses for his "Nightstick" (I'm not even kidding) when Kurt Angle stomped by. Angle asked the two prison guards if THEY had problems with the Big Show? -Bossman went into the story of how he went to the Funeral and yanked TBS's Dead Daddy "right off the grave and drove off with him at a high rate of speed!!" -Angle... waiting two beats... with a quizzical look on his face, "Right". The shook his head briefly. (Oh man, Oh MAN!! Another Sofa King Cool moment!) -Angle asked if they could attack TBS tonight. Stephanie offered up a handicapped match tonight against the guy. Everyone agreed. Buchanon must have cursed his ass off because whatever he said resulted in a LOOOOONG bleep fest. Kurt thanked Stephanie. Stephanie got all flirty and batted her eyelashes. -Oh, and Bull dips the snuff... God bless him. I just loaded one in my own self. Copenhagen: It Satisfies! -The Hardy Boyz come out. Ross announces that this is their hometown, and ordered us to listen to their ovation. Being the rebel without any balls, I hit the mute button. NOBODY TELLS ME HOW TO ACT DAMMIT!!!! NOBODY!!! TRY IT AGAIN, AND I'LL STICK YA'!!! -The Holly Boys came out. Ross sez that Hardcore swore on a stack of Bibles that he would NOT try to sneak a Hardcore title win off on his Cousin, because this tag match was SO DAMN IMPORTANT!!!!!!!! -The bell rang, Hardcore attacked Jeff. Ross pointed out that this is a tag team match... way to keep us on our toes, Numbnuts. -It went back and forth a little, Ross said that Matt Hardy was "quicker than a hiccup". Even Lawler had to tell him to ease up on the down-home, country sayings. -Ever get the Hiccups after a dozen or so beers? Oh man, those are IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of. The only thing I can do is hit the toilet and stick the fingers down my throat. For me, a good puke is the ONLY way to toss those bad boys. -Matt or Jeff used Matt or Jeff as a launchpad and flew right into Crash, then Matt and Jeff seamlessly rolled backwards to his feet. Find me a more GRACEFUL team than these two... I DARE ya! -Jeff (Matt?) was on the top rope, looking for his Senton Bomb on Crash. Hardcore whacked him with a trash can cover. He went down. Hardcore rolled him up for the pin and got it. -Hardcore walked up the ramp. Crash got his scale and followed. The Hardy Boyz recovered and went after him. The worked him over in the ring. Crash backflipped Jeff out of the ring. Saturn ran out and ran past Hardcore. Hardcore watched. Saturn broke up a pin attempt and attacked Crash himself. Hardcore walked to the ring. Tazz ran out. Tazz clotheslines Hardcore from behind as he ran. Tazz had no belt. Ross claimed to have never heard of a company called "ECW". It became a multi-man throwdown. Matt flipped on top of crash and pinned him. Matt Hardy is the new Hardcore champion. If anyone has a problem with this because they fell it "soils" the credibility of the Hardcore title, tell them to go get their loser ass laid. This is ENTERTAINMENT. One more sentence, and I reach my goal of twenty for this block. I have achieved my goal. -Backstage, Chyna is dressed. Eddie is behind the curtain, complaining that his "teets" are being pinched by his cummerbund.. Eddie steps out. Eddie has officially gone incoherent. Why, if anyone in Mexico could afford cable TV, they would be crying right now. -Where is this bit going? Why is this bit here? AND IS IT TRUE THAT ONLY RUSSO CAN WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS?????? -Ross groans that this is "Prom Night" for Eddie. I thought Prom Night fell on Fridays? -commercials. You can either buy that new Extreme Cheese Whopper at Burger King, or you can kill the middle man and inject Crisco directly into your heart. -Trish Stratus was in a more severe state of undress this time as she polished a table and explained the importance of "rubbing" it. I could be just talking out of my ass, but I don't think those boobies are real. -I DO know that my hardon is real, though. I'll have to take care of this later. -The Big Show is out. Now is the point of the column where I insist that the second hour simply MUST have come by now, then cry out in frustration ten minutes later when it really does arrive. Be ready. -The Big Bossman and Bull Buchanon come out. It's a handicap match. -BBM & BB do that thing where they slide out of the ring in unison. This is as close to "Luchador Style" as the Bossman will EVER get. -TBS throws the Bull over the top rope. Bull pulls a HBK and pulls himself back over the ropes backwards. Ross calls him a "stud" HOW that move relates to his sexual prowess and why would Ross make the correlation is BEYOND ME!! -TBS tries for a Double Chokeslam, but Kurt Angle ran out and caught TBS in the nuts. Then Kurt gave TBS an Olympic style Sumo Drop (Ross called it a "reverse foreman's carry", I'm sure Joey Styles would spazz out and call it something Japanese with nineteen syllables) -The Acolytes run out and go after the Prison Guards. Of all the 80's gimmicks Vince decided to keep... -The segment ended with TBS getting MAD. You would be too if you were fighting for the WWF belt not one month ago, now you're down to this. -A Limo pulls up. Vince McMahon is in the building. Ross calls him an "evil genius". I'll wait and see if he can make the XFL fly. THEN I'll give him the "genius" tag. -commercials -Trish Stratus is down to a thong. If RAW crucifies Nitro again this week, you can expect Bob Ryder to weigh in with another installment of "RAW IS PORN" and explain to us in great detail why we should skip this and watch Mark Madden eat Tony's hair instead. -Out comes Vincent K. McMahon for a speech. We are informed that the second hour has finally arrived. WHAT???? NOW???? IT FEELS LIKE A FOUR HOUR SHOW ALREADY!!!! -Vince is on the stick, because he knows that we ain't lip readers. He waited out a chant of "Asshole", then said, "Now that you've gotten that out of your systems..." -He claimed that last week, while he was in Europe on "business" (rumors that he was scouting French Whorehouses with Bobby DeNiro are COMPLETELY UNTRUE AND TOTALLY UNFOUNDED!!! NOT TO MENTION SLANDEROUS AND LIBEL IN A COURT OF LAW!!!!!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SPREADING THESE RUMORS, CHUCKLES!!!!), his family behaved in a manner that he found "deplorable" (yet, muscling small territorial promoters right out of the business is perfectly acceptable?) -First, he reminded us that his wife brought back Steve Austin (Astronaut!) to watch Rocky's back "in the interest of fairness". Of course, ever the Carny barker, Vince bellowed out Austin's rage to help usher in the big pop. -Vince ran down the entire angle from last week. How Linda slapped her daughter down to the canvas, then how HHH tried to give Linda the Pedigree, all of it. -Vince told HHH that even though he said he wasn't REALLY going to Pedigree Linda, Vince has some doubts about it. So, he issued a warning, lowering his voice to that growl he usually reserves for when Bret Hart's name is mentioned, and said, "Don't you EVER touch my Wife again!!!" -As far as HHH's tag match for tonight, Vince has decided to assign "new duties" for Shane tonight (Uh oh, Uncle Pat's found the Cooking Sherry), so unless HHH can find a new partner... he's going to go at it two on one tonight. -As far as Steve Austin is concerned, Vince claimed that nobody knows "Stone Cold" Steve Austin like he does. (Yeah, like his ex wife's lawyer hasn't crawled up Austin's ass with a friggin' microscope and a calculator) Then began the angle that cast doubt on Austin's loyalty to the Rock. -He showed a videotape from last year when Austin rolled over Rocky's Lincoln with his Monster Truck. -Back to Vince, who claimed that Rocky went Limos and Rentals from that time forward, as well as swearing total revenge on Austin. -Then Vince re-arranged History and said that back in November, it was the Rock's rental car that had ran over Steve Austin (maybe it was, I can't remember... I can barely remember Wrestlemania anymore). Rocky wasn't DRIVING, of course... he had an air tight alibi. -Vince asked which WWF Superstar would have benefited MOSTLY from Austin being laid out? (Why, Jeff Jarrett, of course!! IT WAS ALL YOUR JEFFERY!!! THEY WERE ABOUT TO HAND YOU THE WORLD!!!! AND YOU TOOK OFF LIKE A MORON!!!!!!!!) -Vince said that the Rock rode the Highway to glory. A highway that Austin and McMahon (andthatrussodick butvincewillneveradmitit inamillionyears) paved. -Vince reminded us of one of Austin's favorite phrases... "D... T... A! Don't Trust Anybody!!" (Camera "conveniently" spots a sign that says "DTA"... a little TOO conveniently. I WANT THAT FAN TAKEN AND SEQUESTERED!!!! I WANT TO HAVE A FEW WORDS WITH HIM!!!!! -Vince wrapped it up. He did his job. He planted suspicion. Austin ain't no hero, it might happen. -YET... Austin has a career outside of wrestling to think of, plus he has an ego that reportedly almost rivals Hogan's. Ahh the tangled webs of deception threaten to entrap all of us into it's sticky confines. -commercials -Both Eddie and Chyna are finally dressed. Then Chyna remembers that Eddie has a match in ten minutes. Eddie says, "Ay Yi YI". They both run behind the curtain and get undressed. Eddie gets horny. Chyna gets giggly. Whatever the opposite of a hardon is, I have it. -The Godfather comes out with... with... Dear God, it's COREY FELDMAN??? THIS IS HOW THEY ARE COMBATTING DAVID ARQUETTE??? WITH COREY FELDMAN??? -Oh... it's Al Snow dressed as a Pimp. Hey, YOU watch any Feldman movie and check out how lame his fashion sense is. There's a reason why he's a fallen star, y'know. -What happened to "Head Cheese"? Oh, Ross says that they had a "divorce" on Sunday's "Heat"... "Heat" is still on the air? -Ross claimed to know full well about the pain of "divorce". Yes, but Jimbo... SHE WAS YOUR NIECE!!!!!! -Four girls were along for the ride. One of them was a dead ringer for the "so-called" porn star "Felicia". I call her "so-called" because much like Janine, she doesn't do guys. That ain't a porn star, hate to tell ya'. Unless you're getting plugged everywhere INCLUDING both ears and both nostrils by some smelly, fat guy... baby, you just ain't living up to the TITLE. -The Godfather did his thing. The North Carolinians ate it all up. -D-Lo Brown and Steve Blackman came out. We see how the Pimp brotherhood was broken up on Smackdown, (well, Winkler and Keaton didn't last either). -D-Lo attacked Snow right off. Snow fought back and tagged in the GF. D-Lo tagged in Blackman, who out-performed the Man. -Those were the most VOCAL Hoes I've ever heard. Usually, the Hoes I've met just lie there and stare at their watch. -D-Lo shouted that we had best "recognize" Ross says that D-Lo wants to be recognized for his actions now. Then added that respect is EARNED, NOT AWARDED, then spent twenty minutes describing how Droz pees in a bag now. (Oh Jim, why bring up the past?) -Lawler asked Ross why D-Lo's several month reign as the European Champion doesn't earn him any respect. They both laughed for a good 5 minutes. -Meanwhile, D-Lo dusted off the "Lowdown" and pinned Snow as the GF and the BM fought outside. They bailed. Al put on his pump hat, grabbed a Ho, and barked, "DANCE WITH ME, COME ON DANCE WITH ME!!!" (That's me in every single Nightclub I've ever been at.) The Godfather attacked him and tossed him away, (Lord knows, I've been chased off the dance floor by MANY a Black man too... and a few Italians. A couple of Hispanics. One or two Portuguese. A couple of Dwarfs. Dad.) -commercials. If you go to see the movie "Road Trip" because you HAVE to see Tom Green on the big screen... don't bother. I have a funny feeling he's only in the movie for maybe ten minutes or so. -The F**K are you doing, seeing a movie because of Tom Green? -Stone Cold's greatest hits!! Remember when it was just him, the Undertaker, and a crippled Shawn Michaels? Ahh, those were the days. -Ross spends an obscene amount of time plugging "Vinnie's Steakhouse". Cameras catch owner/operator Dusty Anderson at ringside with a beer in hand and a chick on his lap. Vinnie looks to be kissing the tail end of his 40's. The chick looks to be greeting the beginning of her 20's. The hand NOT holding the Beer is somewhere behind the guard wall. In ten years, I'll be giving him a standing ovation. For right now, though... I am SEETHING with disgust and outrage. Here I am, in the PRIME of my life, and I'm still drowning saggy boobed skanks with tequila just for a handjob... this old FART is getting chicks with nary a pube who STILL smell like Jasmine down there. CAN I DIE NOW AND START ALL OVER IN ANOTHER BODY??? PLEASE????????? -Hookay, Trish Stratus is in lacy evening ware. She rolls around a table a little, then gently caresses her hips and pelvis with her hand as she rolls over on her back and directly addresses Buh Buh Ray. Then she takes that hand, kisses her first two fingers, and waves them into the camera. I will probably end up spanking it, but right now, all I picture is her writhing around with a naked, flabby, Dusty Anderson. AND... I... CAN'T... GET... THIS... IMAGE... OUT... OF... MY... MY... ARRRRRRRRGH!!!!! -GET A GIRL YOUR OWN AGE AND LET US KIDS HAVE SLICE ANDERSON!!! YOU BACKWARDS ASS SUMBITCH!!!!!!!!!! -Tell you right now, if Ryder starts parading Torrie Wilson around on Nitro... I'm cutting my F-ing throat. -Eddie Guerrero comes out with Chyna. Eddie hands Chyna a bouquet of roses. Chyna plays with them, then drops them. There is nothing like sending a girl flowers, then watching her face get slightly flushed as she softly puts them to her nose and inhales it's fragrance. Just make sure you're on a sturdy branch as you watch her, because if that bastard breaks, you have a helluva drop ahead of you, not to mention the sprinting you'll be doing as you hightail it out of there. Ever run full out with a banged up knee? Oy. -Val Venis comes out. I still say he can get RIGHT back into the game if they hire a porn star to escort him out each week. -Lawler asked Ross about HIS prom. Ross chose that time to have another fit of Bell's Palsy. As soon as he was sure that Lawler forgot the subject, he said it was a false alarm. -No mic work by Val, but he tried a little flirting with Chyna. Eddie attacked. -Val went for a suplex, Eddie slipped out of it and rolled him up from behind. He's a speedy little bastard, that Eddie. -You know, I'm sure that Eddie is a college grad... for God's sake. -Venis with the Fisherman's Suplex. Eddie kicked out. Chyna rolled her eyes sarcastically. What is it with these broads? In BOTH feds, not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM seem to be able to get into their gimmicked "mates". Torrie Wilson, Chyna, errr... Torrie Wilson. COME ON, YA' BIMBOS... GET INTO IT!!! -Terri Runnels had her tongue down Val Venis's throat! THEY ALL SHOULD DO THAT!!!!!!!! -Eddie with the Hurricarana/Pin combo. Val kicked out. -Val's outside, Chyna says hello with a forearm. -Essa Rios comes out with Lita. Lita gets in Chyna's face. Chyna basically says, "Bitch please" and tosses her aside. Essa leaps, Chyna throws him over her head, he kisses the apron. -Lita catches Chyna with a cross body block from the top rope. Chyna goes down. NOW who's the bitch? -Meanwhile, Val gets off the "Money Shot" and pins Eddie. Non title affair, although I don't remember Ross saying so either way. -Rios and Lita kick Eddie a bit until Chyna roars back in. They scamper. You know Mexican flags are flying at half mast when Chavo is now the pride of the Guerrero "Familia". -commercials -Last week on Smackdown, Chyna gave Lita to the Dudleys for some table action. Castrol GTX is proud to have sponsored this moment of rampant abuse towards women. -The Dudley Boys came out. The Dudleys rule and you know it. -Edge and Christian come out. I have no idea if this was a title match. -Things got going. Buh Buh was on a bit of a roll, yelling loudly as he wailed on Christian. At one point, he looked at Edge and screamed, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BROTHER NOW? YOU QUEER??" (Ah, so that explains why his teeth are so pearly white) -D-Von drove his head into Christian's groin. Ross called it "the gruin area". Then he said, "I hate it when that happens. One time when I was in the F.A.A..." Lawler cut him off. -F. A. A.? Fat Asses Anonymous? -Buh Buh continued to work on Christian. T & A came out, carrying a table with Trish Stratus lounging on it in a bikini with an open blouse. Buh Buh took one look, then officially (according to Ross) went "off his game" and E & C took over. -Although everyone's attention was diverted, there was this amazing sequence in the match. Buh Buh was in the corner. Christian got on his hands and knees. Edge took off. Buh Buh hopped onto the second rope. Edge lept on Christian and jumped towards Buh Buh with the Spear. Buh Buh jumped off the second rope and caught Edge mid-flight with a Spear of his own. THAT is the walking, talking definition of "High Impact" -The Dudleys gave Edge the 3D. Trish stood on the table and started to wiggle. The blouse was off. Buh Buh got all "heep-no-tized" and walked towards the booty. Test grabbed Trish and they left. Meanwhile, Christian gave D-Von the "Downward Spiral" and won the match. Buh Buh ran back, thoroughly disgusted with himself. -THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS -None of this explains those needless segments of Trish with the tables. Of course, if they made a THOUSAND more of them, I wouldn't complain. -Unless one or both are either gay or married, it wouldn't shock me to hear that Test and Trish were banging each other. Come to think of it, even if one of both WERE married, it wouldn't shock me. -If Dusty Anderson ends up banging Stratus, I'm going to Raleigh and shooting him myself. Shooting him in the NUTSACK!!! -I STILL say that Edge and Christian should drop the belts and break up. Edge can work a program with Benoit and the IC title scene. Christian can go to the Lightweights and help get that division GOING. -I am NOT looking forward to Mark Waid doing the JLA. -Thus ends, THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS. Send all complaints to ScoopThis.com att: Trey Conway. -The Rock was in his dressing room. The fans popped like the Pavlovian Dogs that they are. -commercials -Getting as close to the Spice Channel as they will EVER get on cable TV, the WWF plugs the upcoming "Ladies of RAW" multi-magazine spread. Terri, Trish, the Cat, Torrie (who sounds as if she's up the ante to 2 packs of cigarettes a day), and Torrie. Where was Jacqueline? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SOME FINE DARK MEAT ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!! -AND WHERE IS CHYNA??? WHAT? ARE YOU TOO GOOD TO GET ALL HALF NEKKID, CHYNA???? IS YOU NOT NO TEAM PLAYER ANYMORE???? -of course, perhaps this is for the BEST. Chyna can go either way, I'm afraid. -I liked the Kat better as a Brunette. Gave her more individuality. -The Rock made a speech. You don't need to know. You've heard it before. -HHH and Stephanie walked out of the Bus. HHH was sweaty and ready. -commercials -Chris Jericho came out. -The Rock came out. -Triple H came out with his Bride. They stopped halfway. HHH had a mic and said that even though everyone was expecting a handicapped match, the truth is that he DOES have a partner. So, he introduced him... -Chris Benoit came out. Maybe, JUUUST maybe... it would have been a bigger surprise if Benoit hadn't attacked Jericho earlier that night. -No, no... F-that. Definitely, ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY... it would have been a bigger surprise if Benoit hadn't attacked Jericho earlier that night. Come on guys, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORESHADOW EVERYTHING!!!!!! -HHH had another twist, since he didn't want any whacked out Referee mucking around, he brought out the guest Referee, Shane McMahon. -Finally, just for the Hell of it, HHH brought out Vince McMahon. -Ross wished Austin was there right now. Just wait JR. AUSTIN IS HERE AND HE'LL BE KICKING ASS AT AROUND 11:03!!! AW HELL YEAH!!!! -Jesus, I can't believe I just marked out in front of EVERYONE. -The match got going. Jericho and Benjy exchanged hearty chops. Ross, showing his red, white, and blue blood screamed, "THESE TWO... *mutterscumhumpinggrumble* CANADIANS ARE CHOPPING EACH OTHER SOME MEAT!!!! -The Rock was tagged in. Benoit hacked away. Look at the FORCE Benoit puts into each and every move. -Benoit ended up out of the ring. Rocky invited Hunter to dance. Benoit bounced back up and attacked from behind. -Hunter eventually got in and exchanged a FLURRY of shots with the Rock. -Rocky sucks in a Flying Knee. He goes for the pin. Shane has the audacity to try a clean count. Rocky kicked out. Vince yelled at Shane. Ross, "Daddy dearest is a H$ELL of a Role Model, ain't he?" Don't you LOVE it when Ross gets outraged? -Shot of Vince, smiling gleefully. Ross, "The Devil Himself, some say!!" (well, Bret. Owen's wife. Stu. Hellwig. Anyone named Gagne. Anyone named Mero. Anyone named Crockett. Sammartino. Ryder. Borden. Mushnick. Isaacs. Rodz. Numerous Mistresses.) -The Rock tags in Jericho. Jericho assaults Benoit. 3H is in. 3H is out. Benoit hits Jericho with a Hot Shot. -SNAP SUPLEX ON JERICHO!!!! MY GOD THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!!!! -What is wrong with me? -Jericho is tuned on a little. Ross wished Gonorrhea on anyone with the last name "McMahon". -Benoit almost takes Jericho's head off with a clothesline. Benoit has something to prove tonight. -Jericho launches an offense on HHH, it's stopped by a knee slam to Jericho's face. -The Rock is tagged in. He mauls Hunter and hits a DDT. -Benoit tries something, but Jericho was there with a springboard Asai dropkick (you heard me, mark-boy) -Ross freaks out and prays to God that Russo is found dead in a Hotel room with a small rodent lodged in a very bad place. (3rd time I used that one... HAPPY EASTER!!) -Rock Bottom on Hunter. Shane picks this time to explain to his sister why she should start going bra-less. -Rocky gives Shane what for. Vince is in. -Rocky turns around and corners Vince. Benoit saves the day. -Rocky dumps Benoit and moves in for the People's Elbow. Vince kicks him from behind in the ‘nads. -HHH is there with a Pedigree. -Shane makes the count. Ross screams, "Son of a BITCH!!" -HERE COMES AUSTIN!!!!! AUSTIN IS MOMENTS AWAY DAMMIT!!!!!! -The show ends... AW SHIT!!!!! I don't know. I seem to be growing tired of Hunter all cocky and full of himself. Time for a little change? This is the problem with pre-PPV shows. It's all about the selling, selling, selling. It becomes an infomercial. See, Nitro's problem is that EVERY show is a PPV Infomercial. At least RAW spaces it out and some times, just let's RAW be RAW. Of course, I should actually recap Nitro before knocking it. So, if you will follow me...