Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro 4/27/98
For those who NEED at least one screwjob ending a week.
Mop-Up Nitro Part Duhh
Alright. As promised, here is the recap of Tuesday's Nitro. No opener, no closer...just da facts.
NITRO (or Geeze Bret! Geeze!)
Throughout the show...TNT kept reminding us that Star Trek's retarded cousin, "Babylon 5" would not be on tonight. When I say "throughout the show", I mean that they kept reminding us right up until around 7:30. By the last one..I was reaching for my gun. I think Tony must pick up a few extra bucks as a TNT "hype advisor"
-opens with footage from last night's show, (Was it even on in the afternoon? Or was the 1:30 am airing the only airing?) when Bret Hart taught us all how to be vague.
-opening theme
-Tony welcomed us to the big dance. Even though it was Tuesday, they were still in Norfolk....which tells me that the fans in the arena went through one HELL of a commercial break.
-Tony, Tenay, and Zbyszko hyped up the upcoming confrontation between Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart.
-Video clip of Bret Hart's latest actions
-Disco Inferno came to the ring. Could they be just about ready to launch the MIGHTY DINF PUSH : PHASE V??????
-Oh I doubt it...he's taking on Chris Benoit....this is gonna be painful.
-And so it was...proving once again that Canadians have no use for ANYTHING disco. After the longish match (must be short a few wrestlers tonight...'cause tonight's matches were pretty long). After the match, Benoit stared at the cameras with some puppy dog eyes...maybe he was wishing that Degeneration X waited for him to sneak out of the building, so they could take him to Titanland?
-commercials
-Little video thingy of the recent antics of the freshly heeled bollbuzzter known as JERICHO.
-DEAN MALENKO'S theme came on!!!! Tony was too deep in mid-hype to notice.
-By the time he finally connected the dots, we were already ahead of the game as Chris Jericho came out to Malenko's music. His hair was tightly bounded up and he was checking, re-checking, re-re-checking, and re-re-re-re-checking his wrist bands...just like Dino...he was also sporting that grim veneer that is always pasted on Malenko's face.
-in the ring, Jerimalenko grabbed the mic, introduced himself as Dean Malenko, and cried that he "wanted to go home". Good stuff.
-so of course, Tony had to register his disgust at Jericho's entertainment. During the match, he even debated over whether Jericho had the right to call himself a "Lionheart" (Hey Tony!! Who made YOU the expert on Lionhearts?? You made YOU the one to decide who deserves that name? F-YOU Tony! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!)
-By the way...Jericho fought Psychosis...it was a long one again...but it don't take no rocket scientist to figure out who won.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls put in an extra day of work....AND BOY! THEY DIDN'T LOOK TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT!
-Jimmy "The Mouth of South" Hart (who really hasn't said a word on camera for about two years now.....figure THAT out) brought out the Barbarian...fresh, hungry, and ready for a push. He was fighting...
-Rocco Rock, who came out with a table that was fresh, hungry, and all pre-cut for someone to lightly push through it. As Rocco came to the ring, Tony lamented about how WCW is PROUD to give you competitive matches such as this one.....(insert sarcastic remark here).
-so they tangled for a while...then Humorous came out of nowhere and attacked Rock...then Johnny Grunge came out of the same nowhere and attacked Humorous. Next thing we know, the ref decided that this should be a tag team no rules affair....Tony SCREAMED that the fans demanded this to be a NORFOLK STREET FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Sadly, this could NOT be a NORFOLK STREET FIGHT(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) mostly because there were no Bibles handy for those between round prayer sessions (Virginia is VERY religious).....plus, the Barbarian and Public Enemy are a WEE too "ethnic" for the Norfolk community. (Norfolk's idea of hardcore is those bootleg copies of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know" with the F-word still in place).
-Of course, all the usual WCW "extreme" weapons were there....and of course, Humorous and Rocco Rock went through the table. Meanwhile, Meng is at home laughing....he didn't have to go through this nonsense. The Barbarian won by the way.
-Tony sent us to yet ANOTHER showing of Savage's rant against Bret Hart at last week's Thunder. Did we really need this again? Is this just WCW's way of telling us that THUNDER is a show worth watching?
-commercials
-video clippy of Juventud Guerrera....who promises to "Never Surrender"...(methinks the VILLANOS would disagree).
-Kidman hit the ring for a roustabout with Juvee. Could KIDMAN be the one who FINALLY makes Juvee SURRENDER?????????
-nope....the Flock attacked after the pinfall win. Reese slammed the punk around.....but he COULD NOT GET JUVEE TO SURRENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-spot for a new Raven t-shirt....for only $20 bucks, YOU TOO can be a part of the Flock and constantly job in all your fights.
-commercials
-Mean Gene brought out the returning Alex Wright. Alex apparently was on vacation lo' these many months...but now he was back and PALLY!...HE'S READY TO DANCE, DANCE, DANCE......
-Then the All Knowing, All Seeing Dillenger came up to him with his Helldogs and escorted Wright away mid-boogie.
-Eddie and Chavo Guerrero came out to jam with Booker T. This time, EDDIE was fighting and was going to show his Nephew what was what.
-It didn't quite work out that way though...Eddie took the pinfall loss (Some would call it a job). Afterwards, Eddie took his defeat out on Chavo, and slapped him around for good measure. (Picture this relationship as a Gay Couple's version of Sable and Mero...even though Eddie & Chavo are NOT gay.....at least not openly)
-commercials
-Bobby Heenan joins the telethon as the last hour arrives.
-Tony is proud to inform us that tonight's "Special Edition"...coupled with last night's "Special Edition" ...could add up to nothing less than the BEST(special edition) NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
-a replay from last night dealing with Bret Hart
-Marty Jannetty came to the ring looking mighty depressed over the direction HIS career took..as opposed to that "other guy".
-And rightly so...as it turned out..Marty took on SATURN....who was looking mighty depressed over the direction his hairline took.
-Hmm...perhaps in an attempt to hop onboard the coattails of Goldberg, Saturn skipped the "Rings of Saturn" and intro'd a new finisher...a combination Fireman's Carry/Sumo Drop. Alas...the only "Showstopper" in this match was afterwards when they went into...
-commercials
-Mean Gene brought out Diamond Dallas Page. DDP asked....nay....DEMANDED that Raven get his ass in the ring for a good old fashioned jailhouse BANG!!!
-No Raven...but how about a little 3 way? Because Kidman and Sick Boy came to the ring instead. Pukey asked Page to hold off a second until they played....
-a video thingy of Raven...rattling on about how Page's momma must have hated him and how he was a jackoff....or something like that...
-Gene tried to get a response, but Page awkwardly stayed quiet and just gave Sick Boy a "Diamond Cutter"...the sequence didn't look all that good...as if someone misread the script.
-oh yes...and a "fan" attcked Kidmon after this whole affair...Dillenger and his bretheren pounced. Now I hear that it is actually Mortis.....which is pretty stupid considering that WCW seems to be the place for real life fans run ins....so why encourage them?
-commercials
-spot for Slamboree...apparently, this show is going to be bigger than the Birth of Christ.
-video thingamuthafudga dealing with Goldberg.
-Then Jerry Flynn came to the ring....looking like Blackman's carefree, happy go lucky, drunk cousin. Tenay prefaced the match by saying that Flynn has in the past, provided Goldberg with his toughest challenge ever.....THINK HE CAN DO IT AGAIN??????????
-Oh of course not...Goldberg buried the homeboy faster than it takes to tell.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls...."special edition"
-Michael Buffer told us to get ready to rumble....I refuse.....how do you like dem apples?
-He introduced the NWO team for this 6 man main eventer. Konan (sigh), Brian Adams (SIGH), and Scott Steiner with Vincent (SIIIIGH).
-commercials
-Then Buffer introduced the WCW team...Sting, the Giant, and Lex Luger.
-In a pretty cool bit....Luger kept poking his head to the side of the Giant..who was covering Luger from the camera by his sheer size. Finally, Luger jumped in front of the Giant and posed for the camera...both guys looked at each other, laughed, and slapped each other's back.....I haven't seen this much emotion in Luger in almost a YEAR. I'm SURE that Bischoff chewed them out backstage for having DARED try to have some fun during the show.....probably fined their asses too.
-So the 6 man tagger was on...it wasn't bad...pretty enjoyable in fact. Not for any real ACTION...more for the fun that everyone seemed to have...(oooooh boy...Bischoff's gonna have kittens afterwards) Hell, Konan amused me be trying to go after the Giant straight up. Then the Giant put him in a bearhug..then just held him while having a brief chat with his teamates. Pretty cool stuff.
-Then, Brian Adams simply dropped down and walked away. Konan and Steiner soon followed. Tony SHRIEKED that it was part of the NWO split up....but it just seemed to me that they were running low on time. The good guys won by countout....and even chokeslammed Vincent for good measure. Afterwards, Sting was seen helping Vincent up...but the announcers didn't mention it.
-commercials
-Mean Gene brings out Bret Hart. He asked the now sickening question "Why Bret? Why?". Bret took one look at Gene and said "I'm not gonna say another word until I hear those....magic...tune......tunes of HULK Hogan so let's bring him out." (That was WORD for WORD...not only did Bret totally flub his lines....but he called Hogan "Hulk"...which is a definite no-no in WCW).
-Gene also screwed up because he asked if HULK Hogan could come out....then...
-Hogan, Bischoff, and the Douchiple came out. Before hitting the ring, Hogan planted a kiss on Bischoff's cheek, (but not before assuring us that Bischoff was a MAN)....Bischoff tried to control himself, but he couldn't help screaming "OH YEAH". It took a while, but they finally hit the ring..
-and believe you me....instead of doing the smart thing and blowing it off...Bischoff had to angrily make clear to Gene that Hogan was "HOLLYWOOD" to everyone...(Listen up..if ANYONE tells you that his real name is HOLLYWOOD...then you have my permission to take off your shoe and sock...fill the sock with rocks...and smash their friggin' teeth out....just don't sue me....I don't have any money.
-After some stalling on the part of Bret Hart...mostly because Savage is pretty slow nowadays.....he finally said, "the reason I helped you out last week was......."
-Then Savage showed up and attacked Bret. Hogan and the Prickciple attacked Savage. The show ended with Bret helping Hogan and Beefcake beat up Savage....(so much for the Wolfpack).
Ah yes..this was Nitro all the way baby....Mysteries thicken...answers are few and far between, and Bret Hart's bad mic skills makes for awkward angle developments. Just another week in WCW. Funny, since nobody knows the NBA playoff schedule...Tony basically pleaded with us to weld your TV dial to TNT all week long, because they had no clue when Nitro was coming on.
Just a reminder to read the closer at the end of this week's RAW Mop-Up. I could use your help with something.
This is Hyatte
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