Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Let's take it home folks 4/20/98 -The third hour rolls on through. -Tony and the boys speculate, speculate, speculate....and of course, they re-inforce their belief that we are smack dab in the middle of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Yes, it was as bad as I am making it out to be. -Public Enemy hit the ring to take on Momma Buff and Poppa Pump.....figure it out. -a table was used....guess who fell through it? Go ahead. -commercials -Oh those fershluggin' Nitro Girls kill time before Psychosis took on Booker T. All the white kids started to "Raise the Roof" (When did that become popular? I'm still working on that pants halfway down the waist thingy?). -Geeze, WCW is packed with decent matches tonight..and this one was no exception. Booker won of course....but still. -commercials -Bryan Adams and Vincent came out to fight Lex Luger. He should still be called Crush...because this match effectively "crushed" all momentum that the show had going. -Hock-a-Luger won....but NOT with the Torture Rack...stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it! -commercials -Tony admonished us channel changers for switching away from the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!(I'm serious..it was this bad)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Michael Buffer asked us AGAIN if we were ready....I was ready to punch out his vocal cords. -Hogan came out with Beefcrap. He grabbed the mic and told Savage to get his ancient ass out there. -commercials -Savage came out...Hogan grabbed Beefacke and asked him for advice...Beefcake told him to watch out for those killer boats. -of course...why was the Disciple there if Piper ordered no run ins? I guess Hogan is the LAW!!! Sorry Bret. -This being a Hogan match...he dominated. -Savage volleyed and got off the Flying Elbow..but he landed on his bad knee and was hurtin' -Hogan applied the Figure Four.......you heard me right. -The ref went down and Leslie showed his face...the double team went down.. -after a LOOONG time, Nash showed up...Bischoff followed and grabbed his leg... -Nash rebounded and got rid of Leslie...he tried to powerbomb Hogan, Bischoff did those DUMB ASS KICKS of his!!! -Nash punched out Eric and powerbombed Hogan...he layed Savage over him.. -BRET HART (???) ran in and clocked Nash with the belt...he rolled Hogan over Savage and pushed the ref over to make the count...Hogan won the belt. -Piper ran in and asked Hart what the Dealie-Yo was...Bret punched him. -Tony screamed bloody murder as the show went off the air. -Were you REALLY surprised? I am pretty sure that Savage has NEVER pinned Hogan EVER!!! It was pretty clear to me...but I didn't see the Bret thing coming. Aw Hell... GREAT F'K'N SHOW!!!!! Think Eric told all his wrestlers that they better kick it up a level tonight or face his wraith? The question is....was it all arranged from the begining? Was Bret supposed to join Hogan at this point? Or did Bischoff see that he wasn't catching on, so he turned him heel? Was the whole Hart vs Hogan at Starrcade just a swerve? I'm sure 'net jockeys will be all over this for weeks to come. Those chat rooms will become more annoying than usual..and that's saying a lot. Nitro wins the night.....and probably the ratings. It was a good show. I gotch'a closer RIGHT HERE....well...right below. As promised, you'll like this week's closer. As opposed to spewing something out of my own alcohol infested imagination, I am turning to a far more interesting source, REAL LIFE!! With the help of CHRISTOPHER BENJAMIN, who sent me this stuff, I present to you, as real as Bischoff's ego, the..... DUMBEST PEOPLE ALIVE: 1) You're too stupid to lead... AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... 2) S.W.A.T. mosquitos... Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... 3) And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... 4) And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... 5) Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." 6) And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. 7) The Getaway... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 8) Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. 9) Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... 10) Too Well-Educated... In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..." 11) Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 12) Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... 13) Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" 14) Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife? 15) Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked."Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. And they say that I shoot too low with this column. I think I'm going over everyone's head!! I'm getting the Hell outta here and enjoying some quality sleep time. I'd like to thank everyone for everything they have ever done for me. I'd like to say F-YOU to everyone else. Good luck to Keith and the "Master Plan". I'm going to check out that trip to Mars package in Italy...that sounds cool. Later kids. This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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