Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Raw 4/27/98 Hoppin', skippin', & jumpin' 30 miles to Hampton VA, where the men are men...and they all LOVE Jm. J. Bullock! (Don't ask, I ain't tellin'), it's a live edition of the red hot ratings breaker known all over the globe as... RAW IS WAR (or Why Dude? Why? , Why Owen? Why?, Why Vince? Why?, Why Sable? Why? , Why Brisco? Why? , Why Severn? Why?, Why HHH? Why?....etc etc etc) -Opens with footage from last night's PPV extravaganza. Focusing heavily on Vince's prediction of a catastrophe...(sumbitch cost me $30....THAT'S catastrophic! I had to dip into my booze funds in order to pay for it!!) -opening theme -The Hampton crowd was damn sure louder than the Greensboro crowd last night. Ross welcomes us to the big dance by dropping my jaw to the friggin' ground when he announced that Degeneration X had earlier today launched an assault on WCW!!!!! WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if THAT don't getch'er buns in a snit....I don't know what does....(I don't really know what "buns in a snit" actually means....but F-it) -footage shot earlier of DX outside the Hampton Arena. They were all dressed in military gear. HHH was commanding them. HHH screamed "AT EASE", which was basically geared to show that Billy Bad Ass had a cannon between his legs (You just had to see the thing). Then HHH rallied his boys to go "Down There"...(I think if you try REAL hard enough..you can figure out where THAT went). Trip H said that the war will begin in Norfolk VA...where "WCW Rasslin" was...(he said it in a hillbilly drawl which I neither approve of, nor commend.....even though it gave me a brief case of the giggles). So they loaded up in a Jeep Wrangler with a Huge faux cannon on the back.....and headed straight into lawsuit country. -Back to the live action...Good Ol' Jr barely held back his amusement as he promised us "coverage" of DX's invasion of Nitroland. -Owen Hart (he's the BLACK HEART you know!) and Ken Shamrock came to the ring to test their skills against the Nation of Castration (how else would you explain Kama's deLIGHTful high notes?). It should be a classic match of quickness vs strength, skills vs power, pain vs more pain, experience vs .....less experience,......well I'm fresh out of ideas! -It should have been all those things....but alas.... -Y'see...before Owen could take a moment to belt out a few lines from the perennial rock anthem, "Do You Wanna Touch Me There" (remember...he's a BLACK HEART)...he KICKED Shamrock in his "little 4 leaf clovers" and gave him a spinning heel kick. Then Owen wedged a chair into Shamrock's ankle and jumped on it a few times. -Keeping on keeping on....Owen put Shamrock in the Sharpshooter. He leaned back and we heard something snap.... Ross swore that it must have been Kenny's ankle...(yeah right Jimbo...it was your chair collapsing from your considerable weight...don't try to deflect Jimmy...DENIAL AIN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT!!!!). -Blackman tried to help...he didn't do much. -Faarooq tried to help...more of the same. -Then, Owen jumped on Shamrock and proceeded to bite his ear off. When he was through, his mouth was all bloody. Quite the sight. -Owen walked away with the NOD....Ross barely had time to ask the burning...(and seemingly eternal) question, "Why Owen? Why? when they had to shove off to the night's first set of Nitro free... -commercials -Just in case you flipped to TNT to ask "Why Nitro? Why? and couldn't be around for the what just happened, they showed it again. -They showed Faarooq and Blackman helping Kenny away....Shamrock was in so much pain that I swear he actually screamed something in GALLIC! (FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -and by the way...exactly when did Kenny lose that tooth? It damn sure wasn't at the PPV. -It was another installment of the "Love Shack"!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........................oh Hell...it's not all that good and we all know it. -So I'll spare you the pain of a full recap and give you the "gist" a) He had 2 babes with him..and they were HOT. b) He claimed to have beaten Austin last night. c) He offered three options. First, put him and Shawn Michaels in the ring to decide the new champ. Second, a tournament where he could be first seed, or three Vince can fire Austin and hand him the belt. -He left on that note....I TOLD you that you didn't miss much. -Ross plugged the Hotline. All sorts of news about all sorts of things. -More on the DX raid of Nitro. HHH was on a loudspeaker and was asking the folks on line if they thought Eric Bischoff sucks? (YEEEEEEEEESS I DO I DO I DO MEMEMEMEMEMEEEEE YEEEEE.....oh wait a sec....I'm all alone in my room....300 miles away....what is wrong with me? Sorry 'bout that...ahem) -By the way...although it was probably heavily edited...and web pages will scream about it for the next week..the fans really didn't seem to give a rat's tushy about any of this. And when they fired the gun....it just seemed dopey. Still, it's pretty gutsy to do that in the first place. -commercials -more from from Norfolk. DX got a nice lady outside of the arena to admit that WCW sucks and that DX ruled wrestling. Other than the idiot who held up a "NWO: The TRIM Pack" sign as they walked (I have NO idea what THAT meant). The fans seemed into it...maybe they just raided the Ric Flair picket lines?? Or maybe the fans were freaking over the idea that DX just JOINED WCW??? What do they know anyway? -The Headbangers took on Terry Funk and 2 Cold Scorpio (introduced just like that...the announcers called him "Scorpio"...somewhere in California...a soap star from "General Hospital" is having conniptions). -Looks like Scorpio had a rough night last night...judging from the way he walked to the ring bowlegged. Again, I ain't asking and I ain't tellin' -By the way..before the match got going, Vince McMahon came to the arena flanked by Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson. Vince looked shellshocked...as if he just gotten a phonecall from WCW's attorneys and was read the riot act. -This match added to nothing other than Funk executing a mean Moonsault on everyone on the outside of the ring. It also featured Scorpio diving on them from the outside and the 'Bangers doing a "Rocket Launcher" on Scorpio..also on the outside. (picture your average Luchador 6 man dance...only with guys you know and have personalities). -Of course, the biggest question of this puppy was....WHAT'S THE DEALIE-YO WITH SCORPIO'S HAIR???????? The haircut screams, "I may be no pimp daddy anymore....but I'll still train yo hoes for a price!" -The ref stopped the fight because he was pushed.....it was just as dumb as I made it out to be. The boys kept on fighting after the bell rang though..and you know something..it was a bloody good row!!! -more fun from Norfolk. Now they were up to the doors and loudspeaking to the fans inside. XPac asked if anyone there had those free tickets they hand out so they can fill up their TV...(but, but, but....TONY JUST SAID THE EXACT OPPOSITE???? WHO'S LYING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -...put yer money on XPac......Tony has too much riding on this to admit that WCW gives out freebies. But let's face it..it's not like Vince is stingy with the tickets either, kiddos...so let's not go there. -speaking of tickets....and TOTALLY off the subject...everyone flips when the Spice Girls sell out MSG in 12 minutes....but when WM sells out the Fleet Center in 90 SECONDS...nobody says a peep? What is UP with that? -and yes...XPac sent a shout (ughh I shudder when I say that) out to Hall and Nash during this segment. HHH wrapped it up by demanding that WCW, "LET MY PEOPLE GO, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!" we ALL know what that was meant for. -Those kooky Headbangers and those nutty Funkers were still going at it as Jimbo cut away to some.. -commercials -Vincent K (of course it's my hair...I paid 5 grand for it!) McMahon walked to the ring looking like he just had his ass REAMED by his lawyers for letting DX go to Norfolk. He hit the ring and made it clear that Austin was aiming for his head with that chair. Vince complained of a concussion, nausea, and dizziness..(What? Did he look at last week's ratings again?) -So the big ass question was....Should Vince fire "Stone Cold" Steve Austin?......well....YES! VINCE FIRED HIS ASS AND SENT HIM PACKING RIGHT BACK TO WCW!!! HE'S OUT OF HIS FRIGGIN' MIND!!! HE FIRED AUSTIN!!!!!!!!! -oh of course he didn't. Are you nuts? -Instead...he did the next worse thing..he scheduled Austin for a match later tonight against.......RIC FLAIR!!!!! FLAIR IS IN THE WWF AND GETTING AN IMMEDIATE PUSH!!!!!!!! STOP THE PRESSES....THIS IS EARTH SHATTERING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -oh of course he didn't. Flair isn't going anywhere...at least for a while (and probably forever IMHMFCSOpinion....figure it out kids). -no..Austin will have to face...Goldust...(whaa? Why don't you just give him a month off?). -Then Vince introduced the ref for the match....it was Gerald Brisco. He and Brisco made a big production over how "fair and impartial" Brisco would be...and Vince gave him direct orders that if Austin lays one finger on him, then Brisco had the power to fire him away...(call me crazy, but I swear Brisco looked disappointed that Austin couldn't "touch" him...but that's just me) -Backstage with Austin...he was so mad that he knocked over a chalkboard...(insert your own Phineus Godwinn joke here). -commercials -Last bit of fun with DX. Now they are driving the Jeep towards the parking garage at the Norfolk arena. Bad news is that the garage door was closing. They reached the door and Road Dog started to bang on it and asking for Eric Bischoff. XPac banged on the door with the WAY cool line: "This is Sean Waltman! I just thought I'd come by to give you the chance explain why you fired me since you didn't have the guts to call me on the phone!" -Meanwhile, I'm sure Road Dog just wanted to explain to Bischoff that there cannot be any nonsense called the "Armstrong Curse" since he was a title holder and so far has had a great career. -Meanwhile, Chyna looked like she was mentally flipping a coin between staying with DX..and making a run into the Norfolk arena and try out for the Nitro Girls. -Ross and Kole discuss what was going down....I KNOW that Ross was smiling underneath his seriousness. -Footage from the lip synching fiasco from Sunday night with Double J.....the sickos out there would expect a Milli Vanilli joke....but I ain't venturing into THOSE waters. -Tennessee Lee brought out Jeff Jarrett...and so he did. -Bradshaw came out to fight him..and so they did. -Bradshaw has a boot to the face move that ROCKS...and so it did. -The Japanese Kamikazee Club attacked Bradshaw...and so they did. -Taka Michinoku came out to help..and so he did. -The Kamikazee's beat on Taka as well...and so they did. -I promise myself to mention that the Kamikazee's look like midgets in there with Bradshaw...and so I just did. -I also remind myself to mention that there was a FOURTH member of the Kamikazee Club...wearing a mask...and so I just did. -By now you guys are writing me to say that your getting sick of this crap...and so you just did. -commercials -Ross wastes no time in plugging the next PPV. -Backstage with Kevin Kelly. He catches up to Dude Love. Love ain't no mellow hippy now....he's steamed that Vince mad him put on the Tie Dye again, then screwed him out of a rematch with Austin...as he stormed away, Vince came from a pile of guys and asked Foley what was wrong....Foley told Vince "not to screw him" and that "this was not what they talked about". Before the sweat could fly off his shiny forehead, Vince demanded that Kelly turn the camera off. Kelly refused...(NO WAY JOSE!!!! KELLY'S GONNA GET THE HARD ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Vince started to yell about how he owns the camera and microphone...not to mention Kelly's sizeable tushy.....Kelly killed the camera. I gotta tell you....Vince freaks out better than ANYONE!! -DX came to the ring, riding high on their raid on Nitro. HHH hit the ring and did a solid impression of Micheal Buffer..covering everything right up until he said, "LLLLLLLLet's get ready to.........Suck It!!"....(Hear that? CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING..that is the sound of Michael Buffer's Attorneys counting their money from the giant lawsuit that's sure to make it on Vince's desk come Wednesday). -HHH introduced the New Age Outlaws...who came out on little motor scooters...(juuuust a little F-YOU to DOA). -Then the Disciples of Apocalypse came out (if ANYONE tells you that they are ripping off Beefcake..you have my permission to hit them flush in the face with a baseball bat.....just don't try to sue me after you get sent to jail). After doing some quick math...and reviewing the script, the called out some reinforcements... -and out came LOD 2000 with Sunny. With the backup all set, the match got underway. -by the way...Lawler joined the fun at this point. -t'was the two bald guys taking on the NAO by the way. T'wasn't a title match though. -By the way (again)...after Ross plugged some dates and said that a barnstormer in Richmond Virgin-ia (juvenile, I know...but this is wrestling) only has a "few choice seats available", Lawler came out with, "Unfortunately, they're not free! How angry do you trhink Bischoff is right now?" He laughed all through that one...(You GOTTA love the King....he doesn't need ANY of this...he's just there to have fun!!! GOD BLESS THE KING!!!!!!!!!!) -So, the bald DOAers pulled the old switcherooni..(not to be confused with the dreaded SPINEROONI and ended up upsetting the NAOers with a clean pin. (HBK must be spinning on his couch....NOBODY in DX jobs when HE'S around!). -RAW IS WAR BECOMES THE WARZONE. And Bischoff is STILL pissed. -The Undertaker comes to the ring to take on Barry Windham...his entrance was longer than the match...and I ain't even fooling. Poor BW (I was a HORSEMAN DAMMIT!!!) went down in seconds....he left in a daze, (Whu just happened? One second I'm in a nice push with Cornette and Bradshaw..the next second I'm jobbing to the UT???? Why Vince? WHY?) -after the match..the UT grabbed the mic and demanded that Kane come out. He said that he'd wait for all eternity if need be....or at least until.... -these commercials -Kane may be a DEMON SPAWN FROM HELL...but he sure knows the value of ad revenues...he waited until they came back. -Paul and Kane came out to the entranceway. Paul was quite upset as he demanded that there be a truce between the brothers...then, after a LOOOONG ramblefest, he announced that HE was Kane's FATHER...(must'a been when he was doing time in Florida as Percy Pringle). The dumbfounded look on the UT's face mirrored the dumbfounded look on all of our faces as this nonsense tailed off into some. -commercials -footage of wehat just happened. Lawler summed it up by stating the sickening obvious....Paul Bearer bumped all sorts of uglies with the Undertaker's mother...good lord, I need a shot of whiskey. -Kevin Kelly talked to Golddust..who assured us that he was World Championship calibur....Dude Love attacked him, screaming that it was "his shot". -a more angry HHH and XPac hit the ring. HHH didn't care for the fact that his "buzz" from tonight was screwed over by the DOA..so he tossed his Euro belt on the ground and demanded someone to come to the ring and try to take it from him. -One of the bald DOAers came out...but.. -So did Dan Severn. Danny boy ran to the ring and started to take off his jacket and shirt. Cornette chased after him. In the ring, Cornette grabbed Severn and reminded him that he payed the checks. Then Cornhole got stupid and slapped Severn in the face (Why do managers do that?? It NEVER works.) Severn flipped Cornette down and bent his arm six ways from Saturday and twice on Sunday...(My Grandmother LOVES that cliche). This brought pain, torment, torture, and of course... -commercials -but no match tho' Although we DID get the treat of watching Cornette being carried out of the ring by the usual lineup of WWF officials. -Michael Kole talked to Steve Austin. Austin wasn't happy with the manner in which his personage has thus far been treated. He delivered the LINE OF THE NIGHT when he said, "You could have a special referee, a special timekeeper, a special jackass, it really doesn't matter to me!" -You just can't write that kind of stuff...it has to come from the inside. -commercials
Go To Page 2