Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW one first...4/29/99 Mop-Up Nitro Before we get going, I have to address a matter that occurred in this column two weeks ago...or the last column I wrote. So, if I may step out of the "Chris Hyatte" character and just speak to you as Chris Hyatte, we can straighten things out and be on our way. It seems that a certain comment I made in my last column was deemed offensive to some people. A certain joke that was in it's typical poor taste really struck an unfortunate nerve with a portion of my readers. I recognize that I sometimes go too far; but when I do, I try my best to show the proper character and address the matter with taste and diplomacy, as I will do right now: I apologize for my remarks in the last column when I said that a Spotted Owl moved it's bowels on Goldberg's bald cranium. It was silly and stupid of me to write that. Anyone who found that comment offensive has my deepest remorse. I'll try to be more sensitive to other people's feelings in the future. Thank you. "nuff said. NITRO: (or: One Flew Over the Cuck WHOO's Nest) -Opens with a picture of Rick Rude and a caption underneath, "RICK ROOD: 1958-1999". The picture got a 3 bell salute. What I want to know is WHO THE HELL IS RICK ROOD AND WHY IS HIS NAME UNDERNEATH RAVISHING RICK RUDE'S????? -Isn't that just like WCW? Trying to save a few bucks by eulogizing both Rick Rude and this Rick Rood guy at the same time...real class move guys. -"Last week on Nitro"...all kinds of stuff happened....the worst of it being that Piper is back for one of his Twice-A-Year stints that nobody cares about anymore. -The show kicks off with a remote from a Mental Hospital where a Nurse and Doctor are standing there looking at each other...... -just looking at each other...... -they're still just looking at each other... -Uhh...guys? We're on the air now! -They wakes up and start discussing how Ric Flair thinks this place is a Hotel and he's causing a ruckus.... -The Doctor asks, "What are we going to do about it?" -The Nurse shows why WCW has the finest script writers at their disposal by saying... "I don't know............I know exactly what do about it!" -Then she walks over to a crowd of 5 Mentally challenged individuals (A.K.A retards) and tells them that there will be NO Nitro tonight....(welp..there goes the ratings right there!! Because only retards watch Nitro!!!.....I'm sorry, but when they give me such an opening...) -Then someone places Flair's theme on a mini boom box... -Flair dances out in his ring robe and his boxer shorts....he refers to one particularly drooly individual as "Triple A". He says, "Whoo" a lot...then announces that this is his Hotel...then starts dancing with the nurse. -You know...that could be looked at as the most offensive thing ever seen on ANY wrestling show. If I were a parent and/or relative of a mentally disabled person, I'd file a multi-million dollar lawsuit right now! -opening theme...it's the theme that will take wrestling to THE NEW MILLENIUM!!!!! -another well "acted" bit where JJ Dillon confirms that Flair's little referee is in charge of WCW while Flair's on leave. Who is this guy and why is he getting this push all of the sudden? Who is he blowing? -Tony announces that NITRO IS ON...THE....AIR!!!!!!!! -This is the SHOW THAT WILL TAKE WRESTLING TO THE NEW MILLENIUM!!!!! But the Nitro Girls are busy taking dancing back to the Dark Ages. -Here's a new trick from the WCW control booth. In order to create the notion that Nitro has the crowd in SUCH A STATE OF FRENZY THAT THEIR SCREAMING CAN CAUSE EARTHQUAKES.....they raise the crowd's volume while lowering the volume of the Announcers....so it appears that the crowd is so deafening, that they are actually interfering with Schiavone's mic time. It's a cute trick....pretty pathetic...but cute. -First hour fireworks go off as Mike Tenay is BACK ON THE SHOW!!!!! Bobby Heenan called in sick. Which, of course means that RAW wins the night!. -Kicking off the in ring action.....out comes "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.....who gets worse and worse looking every week. (Right now, he makes Page look around 21 years old). -Piper creeps up to the ring apron, then pauses to look at the crowd....actually, he was just getting ready to heave up that damn leg of his high enough to make it over the second rope.....and a'one, and a'two and a'three....HEAVE..... -Piper makes it in the ring....announces that we are in Fargo, North Dakota.....where, "Men are men, and Ric Flair runs scared!!"....what? Is that even a joke? What does that MEAN?? Aw...God...he is just a TOTAL dick now....he has NOTHING left in him. -Piper makes a reference to "Patch Adams"....he does that all the time now...he opens every segment with some sort of "hip" reference to show that he's "with it". Like last week, where he called Flair, "WCW's answer to Dennis Rodman"...that had no bearing...nothing to do with anything..it made absolutely no sense. Welcome to Piper in the 90's....welcome to Piper in WCW. -Oh yes, Piper is STILL "WCW Commisioner"..10 months a year he's gone, yet we are supposed to believe that he gets a weekly paycheck or something... -Note to Nash...LOSE THIS EMBARASSMENT...NOW! -Piper said that Flair was still "doing the Jitterbug from 1950"....BA DUM DUM -Piper announces that he is the "sole man in charge of WCW"...then promised a BIG night for us...because we fans "deserve it". (We do? Why? What did we do for them? Their ratings are in the crapper and flushing fast??) -First off, Savage and his valet Gorgeous George are officially "re-instated" in WCW.....which begs the question.....When was George first "instated" in WCW? Doesn't she have to be "instated" first in order to be "RE-instated"? -Second, Savage will mark his return by fighting "Big Poppa Pump" for the...and I'm quoting here..."The Unitas Heavyweight title".......Which begs the questions A: Why isn't Steiner defending the United States belt, B: When was this "Unitas" heavyweight belt INstated into WCW?, and C: WHY THE HELL ARE THEY HONORING JOHNNY UNITAS WITH A WRESTLING BELT NAMED AFTER HIM??? -Piper called DDP the "People's Champion"...then asked if Page is the "People's Champ"..then what do we "People" want to see? (Umm...I want to see Piper get run over by a bus!) -Page came out.....I never dreamed that they would make him a heel just a week after a suggested that they do that very thing right here in this column....that's right..I'm taking FULL credit for it.....F-You all! -Piper asked Page to give a title shot to Sting tonight......Page did a little rambling, but said that he won't be fighting anyone tonight. -Piper reminded everyone that he was the Boss...and he had a "reality check" for Page.....then he ordered Page to fight Sting tonight anyway.....at 9:00 PM.....gee, I wonder why they would program that match so early into the night? What's on at 9 that could POSSIBLY lure viewers away? -Hey, here a "reality check" for Piper....YOU SUCK!!! -Hey, here's another one....YOU BLOW -One guy who knows all too well about sucking and blowing is Tony Schiavone, who had this to say..... - "So there it IS!! WITHIN THE HOUR........WE ARE GONNA SEE.........STING.......GOING AFTER DDP???.....FOR THE WORLD TITLE????.........IT'LL BE LIVE!!!!!!!!....IT'LL BE NITRO!!!!!!!!!........IT'LL BE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -commercials -DJ Razz wanted all the rowdy people of Fargo to "make some noise"....the all white crowd screamed in unison, "HUH"? I heard one nearby fan say, "Mister, why do you have such a deep tan? Were you on vacation?" -Brian Adams came out.....obviously ready to treat the Fargo fans to a rendition of his heartbreaking ballad, "Heaven"....knock "em dead B.A!!!! -The Konnan (I SWEAR..they can't decide whether he uses one "N" or 2...it seems to change every week!) came out....He ain't Fly....not even for an almost white guy. -Friggin' Adams....he had to wait until Konnan finished his little spiel before attacking...why couldn't he attack BEFORE...he would have been more over than Goldberg. -With apologizes to the legions of K-Shit's fans....and those 5 Adams followers.....I'll make this quick...The NWO attacked Konnan and beat him around before the match could have a winner. It was Horace, Vincent, Norton's Tongue, Stevie Ray, Norton, and Adams...THESE are the remains of the NWO now..... -Tenay plugged the Hotline......$4 bucks a pop for stuff you can get on the net for (almost) free. -Video clip of Sting...in a trenchcoat.....those insensitive, WCW BASTARDS!!!!!!!! -commercials -You know the saddest thing about Tony Schiavone? It's that he actually ALLOWED himself to be "re-tooled". He didn't have the balls to stand up to Bischoff and say, "Just let me call the match without the endless plugs...just let me be me!" No, he had to let someone go over his appearance with a fine tooth comb and re-make him into a "hip" broadcaster......what a loser. -Unfortunately, I may have to withdraw the Bounty on Tony's head.....as well as his daughter's toenails.....if last week told us anything..it told us that some people take things a bit TOO far. So, let me make it official....there is NO BOUNTY on Tony's head!!! NO reward of a $100 if you beat him up and NO blowjob from me if you produce his teeth. Same thing goes with his daughter too. -You CAN dumb a cup of soda and/or beer on his head...I'll give you a quick handjob if you pull that off!! -By the way, whoever was responsible for re-making Tony apparently decided to have him NOT wash his hair.....they want Tony to go for the greasy "grunge" look.... -Two Armstrongs came out...they took on Raven in a "Raven's Rules" handicapped match because Perry Saturn is busy having heart attacks and had to go to the hospital. The Announcers blamed the Horsemen, I blame the Libertarians. -Raven grabbed the mic and told the crowd why he was fighting alone.....he finally decided to let the fans scream "WHAT ABOUT RAVEN" along with him. -Meanwhile, I offered to do another fake News Piece on the SCOOPS News page while Al was away in Iowa....they laughed right in my face....well WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHAT ABOUT HYATTE??????? -Then he told the Horsemen that he never saw an opera with a happy ending.......your guess is as good as mine. -Raven pretty much owned most of the match.....not because of skill as much as because of that dreaded "ARMSTRONG CURSE" -The Armstrongs won.....Tony called this HANDICAPPED MATCH the "biggest win of their career".....and ROAD DOG is the brother who needs to get high, huh? -THANK GOD someone had the good sense to send a camera over to that mental hospital!!!! How else would we be able to see Flair on the phone to Charles Robinson ordering him to have Piper arrested. He also screwed around with the inmates too. I will admit to laughing when he told the Nurse to give one patient "a double dose!" -commercials -It's the same clip we got at the top of the hour pertaining to....oh screw it....I'll just re-run the paragraph..... -"Last week on Nitro"...all kinds of stuff happened....the worst of it being that Piper is back for one of his Twice-A-Year stints that nobody cares about anymore. -That was easy.....not exactly a paragraph though....but F-it -ARRGH...OWW...ARRRRGH....ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH -...................................................... -....................................... -.............................................. -sorry...the Diarrhea is giving me the cramps. -Mean Gene Okerlund had Chuck Robinson in the ring. Robinson assures us that HE was in charge and that Piper is a very tired old man who wears diapers. -Piper came out and called Chuck a "leprechaun" and that he "could eat bowls of soup off his head"....(I'll say this much...Piper is MUCH funnier than Mancow) -That wasn't a compliment to either of them...by the way. -DAMMIT NASH...LOSE THIS GUY BEFORE HE REALLY SHOWS HOW DATED HIS "ACT" IS AND STARTS BREAKING OUT THE DAN QUAYLE JOKES -Piper, "You are nothing but the DAN QUAYLE of WCW!!!!" (AGGH...F-ING NASH.....YOU HAD TO GODDAM WAIT DIDN'T YA???) -Oh YES!!!! Out came WCW Security..led by The Evyl Chyld of the Daemon Seed Dillenger...the put handcuffs on Piper and led him away......slowly....so the old fool wouldn't bust another hip. -Robinson had slapped Piper..which made Piper attack him..which caused the arrest...for those who actually WAITED until Thursday to find out what really happened, (and what a bunch of losers YOU are!) -Robinson, "I AM CHARLES!!!!!! I AM IN CHARGE!!! I AM CHARLES IN CHARGE!!!!!!! I AM SCOTT BAIO!!!!!! I HUMPED PAMELA ANDERSON!!!!!!! I NEVER LOVED THAT BITCH JOANIE!!!!!!! I HAVE NO CAREER LEFT!!!!! WAA, WAA, WAA!!!!!!!" -Sting came out withOUT a trenchcoat....TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE BOYS!!!!!!!! -Does this mean that the Second Hour is here??? -By the way, for most of the night, Tony and Tenay saw fit to bicker at each other and take little pot shots.....I refuse to mention them because they were rather weak...much to nobody's surprise. -DDP came out... -Irony #1: This is not the first time they had a World Title Match at the 9:00 hour -Irony #2: They last one was almost a year ago -Irony #3: The last time involved these exact same two individuals, only the other guy held the belt. -Irony #4: The last time these two had a world title match at the 9:00 hour, I called it the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!! (think they're shooting for deja vu?) -Irony #5: Nobody can seem to give a decent definition of "irony" without resorting to the film "Reality Bites" -Irony #6: The definition given in "Reality Bites" is vague...at best. -Irony #7: "Reality Bites" bit it BIG time -Irony #8: Only half of these little ironies I just wrote qualify as actual ironies. -Irony #9: Bischoff is a douchebag -The match was on....Page did a lot of rolling out of the ring. -Wouldn't it be refreshing to just once see a face start walking to the locker room mid match instead of the heel? -As far as matches go, this was pretty standard stuff. First Sting controlled, then Page had it for a while, then they shifted into back and forth pin attempts....then Page hit a nice DDT and everyone thought it was over..then Sting kicked out and Tony declared this the greatest thing he ever saw since the invention of Cheeze Whiz....then Page went for the Diamond Cutter....but Sting blocked it and hit the Scorpion Death Drop..then Sting pinned Page and won the match. We have a new champion and it isn't even 9:15. -And, of course...the announcers acted like we were the luckiest pricks on the planet for being able to witness this "historic match for the ages". -And of course, again...Sting was DESTINED to win..because EVERYBODY knows that God actually cares about these Fake Sports matches. -Flair is on the phone with Charles again...he told him to make a Sting/Goldberg match for Slamboree...then he changed his mind and made it for tonight. -Meanwhile, "Triple A" was barking up a storm of "WHOO's" right next to Ric. -Flair hung up the phone and continued to show us why Mentally Challenged people should be laughed at and ridiculed. (Hey..I was cracking up!) -commercials -Rey Mysterio regained the Cruiserweight belt from Vaginosis after one of those grueling, take-no-prisoner matches. I would say more, but not covering the Cruiserweight matches is sort of my stock in trade now. -I will say the Malenko and Benoit showed up and gave Rey a little trouble after the match. I'll say that much. -commercials -Kevin Nash stomped to the ring...looking like he just discovered a clause in his contract that stated for every week Nitro gets killed by RAW, he has to stay with WCW another year. (Uh oh...better start hustling Big Kev) -Nash had the mic and says the same thing he says EVERY WEEK when he first opens his mouth....."You KNOW!!" -You've heard of "Comic Logic"? Where Reed Richards can cobble up a Time Machine out of a deck of cards, a roll of pennies, and his ear wax? -You've heard of "Porn Logic"? Where Chasey Lane will offer a 15 minute sex session to the grubby pizza delivery boy instead of paying him the $8? -You've heard of "Internet Logic"? Where Sean Shannon thinks that his opinions actually means anything to anyone? -Well, Nash is about to give us an example of "Booker Logic".....to wit.. -Nash is mad...he was promised a title shot. The bad news is that Robinson just gave the next shot to Goldberg for later tonight....so, Nash challenged Sting, Goldberg, and PAGE to step into the ring tonight and have a four way dance for the world belt....THAT is called "Booker Logic"...otherwise known as "Ratings Desperation". -Still...there ain't nothing wrong with that idea. -Flair is back on the phone....he approves of the match..then he gets off the phone...more hilarity in the asylum ensues. -commercials -DJ Rad is on da' mic....and the world seems that much nicer. -Tony, "(DJ Rad) really has brought a new.....level of EXCITEMENT to Monday Nitro since he has been here!" -Tenay, "You're absolutely RIGHT Tony! The folks at home may not se it, but DJ Rad REALLY brings an energy to Nitro that you can only experience by being here LIVE!" -Hyatte, "sigh" -Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow killed Erik Watts. -Mean Gene brought out Sting. Sting announced that he was BACK, then he announced that he was BACK IN BLACK, then he announced that he was BLACK....and his pecker was 12 inches long.....WOW!!! -He also accepted the Nash challenge.....duuh -commercials -I wonder if "Naughty by Nature" gave DJ Rad permission to use their song? -Meng came out in dreds, and Fatu pants. -Booker T came out looking mad that Sting would call himself a "Brother"......honky ass CRACKER!!!! -Okay, now I think they are doing this just to piss me off and me alone.....Tenay pretended to goad Tony into announcing that this could possibly be the GREATEST MONDAY NITRO THEY EVER HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -They TEASED me with it before saying it.......I....I..I am THIS close to taking back whatever I said earlier and putting that FU**ING bounty back!!!!!! -The ONLY thing that's stopping me is that the WCW Control Booth were doing that thing I told you about earlier....lowering the announcer's microphones down so we could barely hear them...because the crowd was SO DAMN LOUD!!!!! -I...I....I'll have to think about it. -Booker T won....Meng can wear Batman Underoos if he wants...he still ain't "making a difference". -Oh okay...I'm not being fair.....Stevie Ray had walloped Meng with a "Slapjack" (Call it a "Blackjack" and Al Sharpton will personally organize a march in front of your house). Then Rick Steiner showed up because they have no clue what else to do with his fat ass. -commercials -Footage from when Page helped send Hogan away on another break so he couldn't be held responsible for the ratings plunge. -A Doctor explained what had happened to Hulk Hogan and what they were going to do with him. The Doctor also showed what can happen when you are able to write presciptions for yourself. -Shot of Bischoff and Hogan going to the Hospital. Bischoff makes a triumphant return to mic time.....I said it once, I'll say it again....RAW WINS THE NIGHT!!!!! -I think we've had enough of Hogan in the Hospital... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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