Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the first page first...4/29/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -IT'S THE THIRD HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING BUT LONG, MAIN EVENT-IN-ANY-AREA, MATCHES THAT I CAN BLOW THROUGH....WHOO HOOOOO -commercials -Flair is back on the phone.....Flair's energy is making this tolerable.....even fun. -Hak, Brian Knobbs, Mikey Whipwreck, and Horace (WHAAA? WHY?????) got into a 4 way hardcore match. Tony made a big deal out of constantly saying that the winner gets a SHOT AT BAM BAM BIGELOW WHO OWNSD THE US.....UMM..THE TV....ERR....THE CRUISERWE......UHHH THE WORLD TITLE? No..he doesn't have any title...but apparently, these guys all want a SHOT at him.....must be more "Booker Logic". -commercials -The match is still going on.....WILL SOMEONE PUT HORACE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 2 YEARS PLEASE AND END OUR TORTURE PLEASE????????? -BONUS Irony: The most popular can used in this 4 way Hardcore match was a big can that had the name of SURGE on it. What luck that they were able to incorporate such a big spending sponsor like SURGE into one of their MATCHES!!! -Hak was about to hit Horace, then Whipwr...OHH...OH GOD...OH GOD OH GROSS!!!!! -.......Excuse me........ -Okay, I'm back. Scott Steiner was in the ring.....what did I miss? -Let's see if Scotty screws up any more big words? -Well, it's arguable, but a strong case can be made that he said, "I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU, "RODDY" RODDY PIPERRRRRRR!!!!!" -He didn't say anything else goofy...but I was entertained (and MORE than a little saddened) by the guy sitting in the front row behind Steiner who gave the camera the middle finger, mouthed the words, "F*&% YOU!" Then proceeded to play with his son, who was perched on his shoulders watching him. Real nice pal, Good way to get your kid ready to start shooting people when he hits 16. -Steiner wanted Savage's little coozebag should he beat him. I wouldn't want her...I can already tell that she's a class A pain. -Savage came out...with George...and another chick dressed in a Beauty Contest Crown and Sash...nobody knew who she was.... -Oh Christ......cooze or not...George has some amazing titties.....my GOD....my.......oh dear........hmmmmmph....khbyhvxcihubv...... -Oh SHOOT!! Now I got something else on my keyboard.....CRAP. -The match lasted about 20 seconds....then Robinson disqualified Savage after Steiner pushed him into him.....oh, just figure it out. -Then George got all mouthy.....where's Ike Turner when you need him? -Then Madusa ran in and clocked Robinson from behind..... -Then George stripped Robinson down to his underwear.... -You know, if you haven't watched Nitro in a few weeks....and you just flipped over....how confused would you be right now? Who are these people and why does Savage look like a goofyhead? -I am WOMAN!!!! HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!! Shaddup and go peel me a grape! -commercials -Tenay and Tony use this spot to talk about Gorgeous George...and to show off the bottle of Surge strategically placed on the table. -The George training video......at least with Sables' workout video, you got the sense that she was actually working out....this played like an MTV video -Oh..right...I think I'm required by law now to say this....MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Dallas Page came out.....eager to regain his title. -Kevin Nash came out.....eager to regain his title -Goldberg came out.....eager to regain his title -Sting came out.....eager to avoid Lex Luger backstage at all costs. -Oh, right....Goldberg healed NOBODY!!! Because Fargo is the HEALTHIEST TOWN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! NOBODY IS SICK IN FARGO!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!! -The 4 way jam was on....RIGHT after these set of... -commercials -NOW it was on.... -How do I do this? Blow by blow? Naaah, it's not my bag. Let's break it down to the bare bones... -Goldberg sold some moves, but first everyone had to sell his sheer force. He swatted everyone around for a while. -Then it was broke down to a two on two switch around..... -Then Sting splashed everybody. -Later on, Nash gave everybody the big boot. -Then they went into "Pin attempt" mode, where everyone tried to pin everyone else, then rolled over and tried to pin someone else. -Why is WCW suddenly so into these "Dances"? -I mean, it's a GREAT improvement over the old Nitro format...but still. -Of the four, Page took the worst of it. Sting second, Goldberg third, and the Bookerman took the least amount of abuse. -Everyone got speared except for Nash.. -Nobody got Deathlocked except for Nash -Nobody got Powerbombed. -One guy got a Diamond Cutter...and that was after Randy Savage interfered, broke up a pin on someone....then tossed Page a foreign object. -Page whacked Nash with the object, Nash bounced off the ropes, Page gave him the Diamond Cutter and won the title...again. -Umm..okay. I enjoyed the show...but I can also see hints of the "Old Nitro" shining through. Flair made the Asylum bits, because he was really working the role. Charles Robinson is pretty cool too. But there was too much stuff that seemed a bit too....umm...desperate for ratings maybe? Such as the TWO title matches just so the guy who walked in with the belt can go home with the belt. And let's not forget the fact that Bischoff has finally realized the power of big titties.....too bad she's got a friggin' loud opinion behind those melons. I guess..in the end run...I give it a "good show"!! Thumbs up, all the way. But RAW wins...because this is my column and what I say, goes. Now, get ready for a part one of the FIRST TIME EVER.....TWO PART CLOSER!!!!!! We'll make this quick......I picked this up from www.lukeford.com...which is basically a site dedicated to the world of Porn movies....cal it the SCOOPS of Porn. They posted this, saying that it came from a "widely distributed e-mail", so if you read this already, I'm sorry. Here we go...of course, it involves something rather Pornographic, but I cleaned it up so it isn't TOO offensive..... This is called ORAL ETIQUETTE: THE WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW (I truly hope you understand what I mean by "oral"...I ain't talking about talking) 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porno you saw; it is not standard practice to &^% on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your pee pee? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like crap so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls*if you're that desperate, go spank it and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a your hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get oral favors often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". That's it......now, be sure to save this for later. Because next week...the MAN'S RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'll be a hoot. I promise. I have nothing left to say. Except that everybody sucks except me, Al Isaacs, Marc who sent me the GO stuff, and all the fine, upstanding, WONDERFUL HACKERS EVERYWHERE who are MUCH too cool to bother messing with my little site! Why mess with me? I'm the COOL one?!?!? This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1