Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

It's back to the sludge...4/29/99 Mop-Up RAW (No letter this week..too much to talk about) Okay, by the numbers...I'm Chris, this is the Mop-Up. It's Thursday when this is posted. Why was this late again? Well, I actually did start writing this on Tuesday, but I have been battling a case of the dreaded Diarrhea for the last 3 days....so I've been alternating between this, quick naps, and running to the can every 15 minutes for a messy round of the "Hershey squirts". I would have blown off the week, but I blew off last week and two weeks off gets Al testy..so I'm here...persevering through a rectum full of all kinds of liquid gunk. All for you bastards.....all for you. I was going to speak on this fully, but I decided not to as more and more aspects of the case became clear. Short and sweet, I really didn't feel that a column with my usual sense of piss poor taste would be beneficial to SCOOPS and to the readers who are all still trying to deal with what happened in that High School. It was a judgment call on my part....and probably the smartest one I ever made, especially since now we've come to find out that SCOOPS was a link on the Trenchcoat Mafia's web page...which means that the odds that at least ONE of those kids knew my work were pretty friggin' good. It's kind of freaky to think about.....and it's DEFINITELY too freaky for me to even risk a column last week. So I bailed out....put a little distance behind it..and come back in my usual form. I'll try to exercise some of that good judgment when dealing with potential jokes in this regard.....because even I have certain rules. I'm glad that most of the letters I got applauded my decision....even though a couple of you accused me of using this to take another one of my frequent weeks off...HOW DARE YOU!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO...SO... aw screw it...I enjoyed the week off too...f-you. Rick Rude is dead. I'll say this about him. He was a success. You could never call Rude a true "Main Eventer"...he would NEVER head up a Wrestlemania. But Rude was a rare individual in this sport. He succeeded in BOTH companies on NUMEROUS occasions! He invented the whole "stop the music" schlock that is pretty popular now...and pretty much was the basis by which Val Venis and "Big Poppa Pump" developed their characters. He did his jobs when called upon, and always went that extra distance to entertain the crowd (I was at the Providence show where Jake Roberts yanked off his tights...Rude was buck naked in front of thousands.....that's dedication to the craft.) Plus, Rude wasn't a massive, juiced up, Superhuman that ruled the "80's....he was a regular sized guy with ZERO body fat and a sleek, ropy build...and he succeeded. Maybe he did stick a needle or two in his arms back in the day...he just never over did it. You have to respect that. Moving along....two weeks ago, I declared Lauren as the GREATEST MOP-UP READER OF THEM ALL for sending me that Austin on Stern tape...well, now we have a new champion. Because I took the last two columns and mentioned that movie "Go", Mop-Up reader Marc (I'll withhold his last name because he may not want it printed), who works for the Publicity Department at Columbia/Tri-Star Pictures sent me not only a HUGE movie poster of the film..but ALSO sent me a "Go" Press kit...which held photos, bios and other production information about the film (by the way, I plugged the movie BEFORE he got in touch with me..not AFTER). Sure, there wasn't anything EXTREMELY interesting in the press kit, but for a guy who does NOT work for the press, and never saw a press kit before..it was definitely something cool to get in the mail. So thank you Marc! You are now the F**KING GREATEST READER I HAVE!!!!!!!! THIS WHOLE COLUMN IS NOW DEDICATED TO YOU MY MAN!!!!! Besides, Marc killed me with the note he attached to the press kit...."Hyatte, No way will I let some broad outdo ME!!". You rule, my man! Of course, it doesn't help that "Go" didn't score too well in the Box Office. Guys were still too into seeing "The Matrix" and girls were too into seeing "Never Been Kissed". People...in order for me to get free stuff, I have to show that my promotion actually HELPS a cause..so when I tell you to go see something...YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!!!!! Come on kids...Hyatte has never asked for much from you....help me out huh? Here...we'll try it again. Go see that new Star Wars movie in three weeks...it'll be really, really good. Go see it...so it can make a some money and someone from the film can send me a thank you gift. Finally, big props to Al Isaacs for having the respect and the balls to actually offer his assistance to Bob Ryder's Wrestling1.com, which was recently hacked into BIG time and, to my knowledge and as of this writing..is still totally F-ed up As a good chunk of you probably are aware of, Rider, and especially his pal Schemer, never have a kind word to say about Al and this site..and are more likely to badmouth us whenever they can. Even so, Al proved himself to be a bigger man than that and he STILL offered his help to them in any way they may need. I'm sure neither Schemer or Rider have the balls to thank him for the offer on their site....but you never know. As for me....I hold grudges....but, so this won't get edited out..and in keeping with Al's good intentions.....I'll withhold any comment and just say this.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA Thank you By the way...to any and ALL Hackers out there...I, Chris Hyatte, have nothing but the UTMOST respect AND fear for you and your hard work and messing up sites. I would take a bullet for each and every one of you fine people.....I will NEVER badmouth you..and I will ALWAYS stick up for your line of work if the need arrives....by God...HACKERS ARE WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO "ROUND!!!! So, you have me on your side...you also have my respect...and you scare the crap out of me...so PLEASE...leave me and this site alone....please..I'm a sad, sad person..this is the only thing that makes my life bearable...don't take it away from me...please. Go mess with Sean Shannon again! That's enough of the openers. Let's get into it....I'm feeling an uncomfortable rumbling down in the deepest, darkest part of my body....some God awful things are really cooking down their...so I'd best get this thing going before I start Mt. St Helening all over the place.....we got us a LOOONG night ahead of us...let's get hustling. RAW IS WAR: (or: Did she sign a Pre-Nup?) -Opens with a scrolled message asking for a moment of silence for...well you know. Okay....I'll be happy to oblige.................................................. -........................................................................ -................................................................................... -................................................ -There..... -Then it opened with ANOTHER message...this one I happen to have transcribed.... - "We here at the World Wrestling Federation can't help but notice that our "competition" over on that hillbilly network has yet to acknowledge this tragedy in any way, shape, or form on their Monday night program (they MAY have done something on their Thursday night show..but who the Hell watches THAT?). Further proof that "doublya cee doublya" are nothing but a pack of callous, inbred, dickheads who only care for themselves and your hard earned money!! Besides, even though we can't prove it, rumors are circulating that the Trenchcoat Mafia were big fans of Goldberg!!. You just remember THAT little tidbit when you think about switching over to Nitro!" -"P.S., those rumors were NOT started by Al Isaacs" -"P.P.S. we here at the World Wrestling Federation are NOT responsible for hacking into Wrestling1.com....don't even think about accusing us" -WWF World Leader tag -still shots dealing with all the drama from that "Backlash" show...focusing on the Austin win and the Undertaker's kidnapping of Ms. Stephanie -Live shot of a Limousine pulling up. The door opens and Vincent K.(My Rug is in half mast in honor of Rick Rude's passing) McMahon steps out. He is followed by Gerald Brisco and Patrick Onassis Patterson. They all looked depressed. Especially Pat, who came out of the car hitching up his pants repeatedly.. Alas....nobody wanted to spend the ride to the arena playing a spirited game of "Where's Waldo".....alas......damn you Undertaker. -damn you. -opening theme -Fireworks and fans welcome us to Hartford Connecticut....just a stone's throw away from "Casa de McMahon".....bet'cha Vinnie threw a monster kegger after the show!! -Naaahhh...he didn't. He's a slave driver and this is a BUSINESS....not a...a...a FRAT PARTY!!! -He didn't throw a kegger....but I'm sure a "select" few were invited to a little shin dig at Patterson's infamous "PlaywithBoy Mansion"...no kegs, but Pat had at least one thing that partygoers could "tap". -I really can't believe some of you were dumb enough to think that I couldn't talk about Pat anymore because he was "fired"....come on people....use your heads. -Jim Ross welcomes us to the big dance....he is joined by Jerry "The King" Cornette....oh...hold up...that's JIM Cornette. -Getting the ball rolling is the Rock, who came out to kick start the obligatory opening 20 minutes of non action drama that's always SUCH a bitch to recap...his pop was killer tho'. -The Rock took a while to hit the ring...then looked around in mock outrage (or was that awkward patience?) as the fans tried to get a chant of "ROCKY SUCKS" going...key word is TRIED...they couldn't quite pull it off. -Maivia was his typical self....mouthing on about how he beat Austin all over the place and only by the sheer luck of Zeus himself was Austin allowed to...yadda yadda yadda... -Then he put full blame on Shane McMahon...citing that he had ORDERED Shane NOT to interfere in the match last night.....then he compared him to the excrement of a primate...how utterly boorish. -This caused Shane McMahon to come out with the gimpy remains of the Corporation....HHH, Chyna, The Bossman, Test, Pete Gas, and Rodney...who, I guess, are the new Stooges.....so.....which one is supposed to be the new Patterson here? -Shane reminded the Rock that he had practically handed the WWF title to him last night, but Maivia was too busy getting on the headset and playing around with a camera (which was a BRILLIANT move, by the way....I was laughing my nuts off when he did that). No, by Shane's estimation, it is not HE who was excreted out forcibly from the buttocks of a Simian...it was Mr. MAIVIA!! -The Rock slowly took off his sunglasses....how DARE that little nepotite rip off his material. Then he said that he would transmutate himself into a "Brama Bull" (sp?) with disjointed horns and ram his head up Shane's ass (*COUGHfudgepackerCOUGH*) -Shane told him that...oh well, just figure it out -Maivia called him a "jabronie"...and that he was 3 seconds away from getting the smack laid down on him. -Then Triple H got in the Rock's face...the Rock knocked him down..it was officially on. -Chyna clubbed him from behind, Maivia did a nifty impression of Goldberg and refused to sell it. He slowly turned and knocked her down. This got the Bossman involved and pretty soon everyone was kicking him on the mat. -Shane made everyone stop just so he could give him a good one all by himself. Then he picked up the mic and told the Rock that he was fired. -Ross and Cornette carried on as if any of this really mattered in real life. The remains of the Corporation walked away. -Maivia staggered to his feet and told Shane to use what little sugar content he had left in his testicles and come on out later for a match. Shane agreed to it. The Rock farted out a huge blast, then asked the fans if they could smell it....which pretty much killed things. -As Ross and Cornette dug into tonight's menu....we see a security guard grab a fan with a sign and yank him around a bit. The security guard was a girl...I think....which means that the fan let a CHICK boss him around.....watta pussy. -Backstage with Vince, Pat, and Gerald.....no hijinks tonight, Vince was in full "worried father" mode...which means that he'll be no fun at all this evening. Pat asked Vince why he doesn't call the cops. Vince said that they were going to do it the Undertaker's way. He would hand over all ownership of the WWF to UT in return for his daughter. Brisco woke up from his standing nap and asked Vince if he could even trust the Undertaker? With a depth of overacting that I haven't seen since I last saw Heston scream "Get your filthy hands off me, you damned, dirty, APE!!" Vince looked at his two boys and said, "I guess I don't have an alternative, now do I? But if that son of a bitch.....in any way.....has harmed Stephanie.......". Oooo..the drama....the drama..... -commercials -Shane was backstage with his team. He asked someone to go get him a Rock t-shirt to wear top the ring. Triple H told him that now would be a good a time as ever to get that "Crock" thing going again. Shane loved the plan. -The Brood came to the ring for a little non-title action against...... -WAIT!!! Before we can continue, JR had to tell us that Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed Ravioli is sponsoring this PG14 (L,V,S) brand of nonsense. Even though this was the PERFECT time, Cornette didn't have the heart to tell Jimbo that he had one of those overstuffed hunks clinging to his bad cheek. Ooo, I bet Jim was so MAD when he got to the Hotel room that night and looked into the mirror. -X-Pac came to the ring.....forgetfull that he really should have been selling a sore neck from last night...(these things don't heal overnight you know! I fell off my roof the other week and banged up my wrist something FIERCE! It STILL hurts. -Yes, I fell off my ROOF.....I would have broken my back were it not for my incredible agility and lithe, cat-like grace... -X-Pac made his way to the ring....his song kind of sputtered out midway and his TitanTron video seemed to short circuit out...he didn't look too happy with that. -What? -What?? -Oh..shut up...I DID fall off my roof..and only through my acrobatic prowess and my so-uncanny-anything-more-would-make-me-a-superhero agility was I able to land unscathed, other than a achy wrist....that IS what happened...F-You -They replayed X-Pac's song again, but alas..it was too late to recapture the magic.... -Then Kane came out..... -Oh now what? I TOLD you what happened...it is the TRUTH..I fell off my roof, but was able to catch a passing wind current and use it to land softly...now CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH THIS PLEASE??????? -There was no F-ups with Kane's music and entrance.....it's 90% of his act...they had BETTER not screw it up. -Ross told us about the WWF's return to network television (although I would BARELY qualify UPN as a "network".....the WB is SO much cooler..even though they had to postpone the new "Buffy" this week because certain elements of tonight's show were a bit too closely similar to the Littleton Tragedy......F*&^ing Trenchoat Mafia....messing with my new Buffy shows....NOW I'm pissed, NOW it's personal!!!!!) with this Thursday's "WWF Smackdown"....or, as I like to call it, "WWF OVEREXPOSURE" -I see "Smackdown" pretty much as I see "Thunder"....I can live a long and happy life without watching either. -Oh great....another wrestling show. Which means that I'm sure Al will bring on yet ANOTHER recapper who will cover the action with a "comedic spin"......could somebody please shoot me now? Please? -What now? YES....I FELL OFF MY GODDAM ROOF AND ONLY THROUGH MY INCREDIBLY ATHLETIC ABILITY WAS I.......WAS I....... -Oh all right dammit.....I got drunk last Thursday and banged my wrist on the side of my toilet when I fell to my knees to throw up. Half my puke missed the john and hit the floor.....the other half hit the water with such force that a good amount of it splashed back and soaked my face. I woke up the next day on the bathroom floor naked with my head covered in partially digested Nachos Bell Grande, my wrist aching, and my ass bleeding. I also had a tattoo on my shoulder that read, "IT'S RAINING MEN". Happy now? You got the whole, disgusting, story now......you could have stuck with the rooftop story and been perfectly happy, but NO!!!!!! -Anywhoo.....It's the Edge and Gangrel taking on the tag champs in a non tag title match. X-Pac was in their first, and took his pre-requisite beating. -The Kane got in there and GAVE his pre-requisite beating...someone tell Cornette that it isn't X-PACK....it's X-POC...or PAUC....or PAQU...or he could just call him Waltman.... -Then the Edge got chokeslammed and the match ended pretty quickly. -Then the lights dimmed.....red light flashed so we could see the Brood all gang up on Kane....X-Pac looked around as if he couldn't see anything..... -Then the lights went full out..... -Then the lights came on and Kane was covered in blood. X-Pac tried to assist his partner, and was promptly chokeslammed over the railing and into the fans.....or, at least near them. -backstage, we see the Rock hanging around.....looking like he was getting ready to start getting ready for his match tonight...and possibly dreaming up some new catchphrases to use before his current lineup starts getting on everyone's nerves. -Backstage part deuche.....Vince and his boys were anxiously waiting by the phone for the UT to call...then the phone rings.......Vince looks at it with alarm...the cameras focuses on the phone....is it the Undertaker? Is it Stephanie? Is it A Drunk Road Warrior Hawk? Is it Hulk Hogan? Is it Vince's accountant? Is it Bruno Sammartino? Is it Brian Pillman? MY GOD..IS IT SY SPERLING? IS THE RUGMASTER 2000 PROTOTYPE FINALLY READY FOR A TEST RUN???? IS IT ANOTHER YOUNG WRESTLER CALLING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PATTERSON'S BUSY HANDS??????? -Wait a second...MY phone is ringing.....hang on -Hello? Yes? Oh....Hi Mr. Shannon....could you call back later, now isn't a good ti...what? You did what? Where? Oh jeeze..no sir...first you have to take the condom OUT of the wrapper...no, it doesn't work if you just shake it over her...no, it's not voodoo......yes, now roll it on your....there you go.....yes, yes. I know the sensation is subdued with it on....well you don't want another accident like Sean do you? Right...I know he's a fat stuttering freak....yes, I'm sure you are ashamed of him, ..right..now slip it in her....there you go......push in and pull out now...a little in...a little out...there you go...what? She's saying what?..PULL OUT MR SHANNON..PULL OUT..THAT'S THE WRONG HOLE!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS WITH YOU? What.....calm down...caaaaalm down..now YOU'RE stuttering......shush...shhhhh....just try it again.....no..the one ABOVE the....just look for the triangle Mr Shannon...let the triangle point the way home...that's it, attaboy.....go get her Mr. S! Okay...okay....I'm sure the check will be in the mail tomorrow.....goodbye stud...attaboy! -whew....the things I do to help my fellow man.....sigh -They never have any idea who they are screwing with when they try to "Out Hyatte" me, do they? -Well, that ought to do it for THIS page. Chris Hyatte
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