Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

emit fo estaw a si siht gnidaeR...4/29/99 Mop-Up RAW -commercials -Vince is on the phone with the Undertaker...long story short, UT wants Vince to take all the paperwork and bring it to a loading dock at a nearby hotel at 10 pm. Only he wants Steve Austin to deliver the goods. Vince tried to explain that this is like asking Mancow to say something funny that he didn't lift directly from the Stern show.....UT, much like 95% of the rest of the country, had no clue who this Mancow was (F-You M-1, F-you all to Hell....now isn't that much nicer than a thank you?) and just told Vince to get it done. -Well, thank GOD UT still knows how to time things out properly because.....just as he hung up the phone... -Austin came out to the ring. After chasing away Michael Cole (I swear, sometime I think they abuse poor Michael just for my benefit), and doing the standard "I beat you so hard yo' momma felt it" riff on the Rock... -Since when is taking the Lord's name in vain allowed on television? JESUS CHRIST!!! I FIND THAT SO GODDAM OFFENSIVE...FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!!!!! -Anywhoo....it didn't take long for Vincent K to walk out in full out "Humble mode" and begin to swallow what's left of his pride and ask Austin to help him retrieve his daughter. -You know...the more I watch him....I have to say that.....for a non actor...Vince is probably the best darn thespian in wrestling! He rarely oversells his lines, he's damn sure believable...and he can go from being hated to getting the fan's sympathy just like that. I just wanted to point that out now before I forgot about it later. -So, Vince asked Austin to forget about the fact that he "hates his guts" and that Vince returns the feelings "somewhat" (HA!! What a bunch of hooey) and help him out with this whole deal. -Austin told him to go screw. -Vince explained the situation, detailing what the UT requested. -Austin demanded that Vince say loudly and clearly, "Vince McMahon needs "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!" -Vince said loudly and clearly that he needs STSA -Austin made him squirm by reminding him of the living Hell that was these last 15 months.......made possible by Vince. -He teased Vince some more, played with him....then he wrapped it up by saying, "Since Vince McMahon needs "Stone Cold' Steve Austin, so...by the same token..."Stone Cold' Steve Austin needs Vince McMahon......to KISS HIS ASS!!" Alas...even the roar of the crowd and the blasting of the music could not block out the deafening sound of a father's heart breaking..... -You know....if you really took the time to think about it......this is pretty much the dumbest crap in our lives right now. I mean, think of all the beautiful culture out there? Books, music, science! Anyone with a computer and a modem has a virtual library filled with so much knowledge that we wouldn't be able to digest even a fraction of it all in our lifetime. Spring is here, the nights are warm again....the grass is green..we could be outside exposing our senses to the wonderment of nature in all her splendor. We could be with friends, family, or lovers....we could be experiencing that oh-so magnificent feeling of having a new hand slide down our pants for the first time....or we could bury our noses in someone's hair, and deeply inhaling the exotic beauty. We could be exploring the infinite avenues of LIFE!!! But instead, we are sitting here, scratching our nuts, and watching wrestling.....but we're not even watching wrestling...we're watching two wrestling personalities put on a bad acting clinic (these statements do NOT diminish the previous statements above concerning the acting techniques of one Vincent K. McMahon). Suddenly...I feel.....I feel.....oh god...WE ARE WASTING AWAY THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials.....that "Rock Cam" from Sunday night is just so cool I mention this only because the whole sequence was lucky enough to become this week's WWF Rewind thingamadick -Why is it every year at least ONE movie comes out that promises to be the "ride of our life"? This year it's "The Mummy"......movies aren't RIDES? -Besides....there's going to be only one movie this year that's going to be akin to being anything even remotely close to a ride...you know which one I'm talking about. -Backstage, a beaten Vince slumps his way outside with the briefcase....hoping against hope that the Undertaker accepts HIM as the delivery boy. Brisco and Pat wish him Godspeed....I can't be sure, but I THINK I heard Pat's gravely voice whisper, "Come back safe Lil' Home Fry...I love you."...but that is purely speculative. -Val Venis came out. His little "HELLOOO LADIES" bit was cut short by D-Lo's theme music. Thoroughly pissed, Val went on the attack and this match was on. -it lasted as long as network time would permit...then Nicole Bass came out and made goo goo eyes at Val....(oh...ick...ickickICK). Val was freaked out enough to get dropped with a Deep Belly to Belly and D-Lo scored the win. -Then Bass climbed to the ring and rubbed herself slowly as she looked over the fallen Val......(oh...icky poo poo...ickyickyICKY) -Nicole Bass is what is known as a "Triple Bagger". You have to put 3 bags over her head in case two of them rip -Nicole Bass is also known as a "Caser"....you have to drink a case before you can bang her. -Nicole Bass is also known as a "Man"....I don't care who says otherwise. -FOR GOD'S SAKES...I JUST ATE!!!!!!!!! -Ivory got into the ring and jumped on Nicole's back....Nicole flipped her off. -Val made like every single guy on the planet who wakes up in the morning in a strange bed and sees what's sleeping next to him....he doesn't just RUN out of there...he SPRINTS!!! SCREW YOUR UNDERWEAR VAL....JUMP OUT THE WINDOW AND RUN DAMMIT...RUUUUUN!!!!! -Jim Ross, "And uhh.....I'm sure that some folks find her.......urr.....somewhat attractive!" -Cornette, "WHO??????" -Jim Ross, "NOT ME!! But some folks...I don't know!" -Backstage, Austin is enjoying a huge dip of the snuff (You go BOYEEEEEEE). He spots Paul Wight looking at him. -Austin, "What the Hell are you looking at?" -Wight, "Hey man, he's got his daughter!" -Austin, "I don't give a rat's ass who it is!" Then he stormed off...but the seeds have been planted..oh yes...the seeds have been planted. -commercials -Michael Cole talked to Bad Ass Billy Gunn, with Road Dog by his side. Bad Ass said that Triple H needs a real beating and unlike X-Pac, he won't fail and he'll do the job correctly....everything I said is true except he didn't mention X-Pac's name......but the gist was loud and clear. -Gunn walked away. Dogg and Cole looked at each other quizzically, then Dogg walked away. Cole looked into the camera......with that hang dog puppy look that has become his stock in trade. Oh, how he wants to be back in the announcing seat.... -HHH comes to the ring with some new theme music. Chyna was with him. Anyone else looking for a Chyna/Bass feud? -Billy Gunn came out to some new theme music.....looks like Degeneration X is in it's end run. -Billy Gunn's theme music is just as bad as Paul Wight's...maybe worse....WHO IS PRODUCING THIS CRAP ANYWAY?????????? JESUS CHRIST, THE NEW WWF THEMES USED TO BE SO COOL!!!!! -By the way, all these new theme songs and the lyrics is simply so they can rush out another WWF Theme Music CD and rake in another wad of dough. I'm shocked that nobody figured that out yet. -By the way again, my guess is that Triple H will quickly run through this DX feud, then move on to fighting the Rock in a program, just so he can become a viable contender for a World Title run.....it's all part of Vince's big plan to load up on main eventers -By the way yet AGAIN.....we are two months away from the WWF debut of JERICHO!!! If his contract really is up in July. -Ross pushed the WWF on the "Home Shopping Network"......the BEST place to buy overpriced crap with a two week warranty. -Chyna ended up throwing Gunn's head into the steel post. Then running interference when Road Dog came out to protest. -HHH hit the Pedigree and won the match, which was a really good match that lasted longer than usual....I almost feel guilty that I'm not covering it better.....almost..... -Backstage Shane sent out Test and the Bossman to try their best against the Mankind/Paul Wight duo. Then he stops Bossman and whispers some extra instructions.. -commercials -X-Pac is backstage hunting Kane. -Mankind comes to the ring as the second hour arrives. -Paul Wight comes out.....Oh Lord..that song is starting to grow on me...it's....snappy. -Bossman and Test came out. They are not getting along....in case you cared. -Yeah, Bossman and Test won against Vince's newest Superstar and one of his most Over stars ever...sh'yeah right. -Bossman threw Test at Wight, who tossed him to Foley, who produced Mr. Socko, who was jammed down Test's throat, who quickly went down in front of the ref, who called for the bell, who made who, who made you, who made who, ain't nobody told you. -After the match, Bossman had words with Test. Test cranked him. Bossman got up and whacked him with his Nightstick. Then he looked into the camera and screamed, "HE'S GOT TO LEARN TO LIVE IN LEARN!!!" Boy, I'll tell you....that Ray Traylor knows a thing or two about a thing or two, by God.... -Follow along with this..it's a perfect example of how human pride can make someone look like a complete doofus.... -Foley pulls out Mr. Socko..it appears discolored....Cornette SCREAMS that it is still covered with blood from Backlash.... -The Sock goes into Test's mouth, Cornette SHRIEKS that Test is swallowing Foley's blood (Isn't that how AIDS got started?) -After the match, we see that Mr. Socko has just been imprinted with Mankind's face on it. No blood at all. -Cornette stutters a little...seems to have noticed his mistake.....but instead of ACKNOWLEDGING HIS ERROR AND COMMENTING ON THE NEW DESIGN!!!!...Human PRIDE took over and he BELLOWED that Test just had all that dried, caked on blood rammed down his gullet. -Ahh Jimmy C......hopelessly confused in the new 90's era of wrestling. -Of course..if it really WAS blood on Mr. Socko....logic would follow that the image on the palm would be that of GOLDBERG...not Foley. -Then again...Foley IS God...isn't he? -Vince is in the Loading Dock...waiting for UT. -Austin sees Vince on a monitor....and walks away. Those seeds are slowly starting to burst and then roots are poking out -spot for another Austin T-shirt......the chicks'll love "em. -commercials -X-Pac is still looking for Kane -Hardcore Holly (Porn queen) is seen busily attacking Al Snow with a pipe. "The Hardcore belt is MY gimmick....IT'S.....MY.....GIMMICK!!!!!!!!!!" Then he took Head away and said that Snow what get it back until he gets another shot at the title. -commercials -spot for the Cleavage. Where a huge breasted female offers Mosh (or is that Thrash?) some of her milk. Mosh (Thrash? Throsh? Posh? Sporty?) was dressed as the Beaver and Miss Titty was dressed as his mother. -The Rock is backstage SEETHING.....I would too if I had to follow that ratings killing bit. -Jeff Jarrett came out with Deborah....Jim Cornette sexually assaulted our innate common sense when he said that he admired Deborah's "war puppies"... -The Godfather came out alone....teased the crowd a little....then called out the same gaggle of Ho's that he had last night.....Cornette said that we just went from, "a couple of war puppies to a 101 Dalmatians!!" Jimbo just called the Godfather's girls a bunch of mutts......I always liked Jimmy...he knows the score....oh yes, he's been there....oh yes...he's done that.....THEY'RE ALL DOGS, BY GOD!!!!! PREACH ON BROTHER CORNETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -They hit the ring and Kama tried his best to offer up Pimping as a smart career choice for our impressionable youths....(hey, you get to bang a lot of girls..THEN you get to mentally beat them down until they are totally submissive to you.....I'm so THERE dude!) -Then Jeff Jarrett grabbed the mic and said that a 2 time IC champ such as himself shouldn't have to fight the champ in a non title capacity such as this one.....and this whole affair truly ticks him bloody OFF! (Here..I say HERE HERE...I may be the last guy on earth who still thinks Jarrett should enjoy a nice, long, IC title run...that may be my "Old School" kicking in) -You gotta hear this....coming out of Jarrett's southern mouth..it was so funny.... -"Well HuggyBEAR...you say you ALLLL that? You say PIMPIN' AINT EASY? Well defendin' that title aint easy EITHIER (he said it just like I spelled it.....it's been a while since Double J had a mic....give him a break)! So tonight, let's find out how you're.......HUUUUNG! Put the title up for grabs!" -The Godfather agreed....but only if Deborah agreed to become a "Ho" if he won.....isn't this called slavery? ISN'T THIS ILLEGAL IN 49 STATES???? (Utah totally supports that kind of stuff) -Deborah agreed and the match was on...Hell, Debra was MORE than into it.....Debra be gettin' wet over the prospects....booyaa -DAMMIT JARRETT...YOU BEAT THAT FLASH HUMPIN MO FO AND BRING A LITTLE CLASS BACK TO THE INTER-CONTINENTAL BELT!!!!! IT'S NOT A BLACK/WHITE THING..IT'S A RASSLIN' THING BEEOOTCH... -ooo God...the Diarareeahamm is acting up...gotta go squirt up the loo.... -Ross assured us that the Godfather treats his Hoes very kindly...and if one of them should disagree with that, well she'll get a boot right in the mush, by God. -As always in the WWF, angles take precedence over workrate as Val Venis showed up to make goo goo eyes at Debra.....Nicole Bass quickly followed to warn Little Miss Thang about messin' wit her man...Val hightailed it out of there at warp factor 5... -Meanwhile, Jarrett was distracted long enough to get rolled up and the Godfather won the match. Debra was about to join the Coozebag express, but Owen Hart showed up and escorted her away with Jarrett. The girls dog piled on top of GF and the Chooch party kept right on a'rollin'....God Bless them. -Vince was still waiting for the UT. -commercials -Jacqueline and Terri R were crawling all over Sean Stasiak.....his new name not yet given. Sean Stasiak is currently sprouting the Buff Bagwell haircut...which doesn't exactly make him look like he's into the chick thing......he looks like he's more into the di......well...you know what I mean.....you can figure it out.....you can piece it together....USE YOUR HEADS EINSTEINS!!! HE'S A FAG!!!!!!!! -The Acolytes beat on Ken Shamrock a little until Test came out and helped him. Then he took a baseball bat and whacked the announcer table a few times...the shockwaves almost knocked the chunk of jelly donut off Ross's numbed cheek...but not quite...it just vibrated really, really cool. -Shane was seen on his way to the ring. -commercials -Shane came out alone....is this supposed to be the main event? -The Rock came out naked from the waist up....I miss that black shirt he used to wear. -Long story short....HHH interfered just as we were about to see the "People's Elbow"....Chyna, Pete Gass, and Rodney also interfered and a semi-massive beat down went...urm...down? -Vince got sick of waiting and decided to leave. -Uh oh....the UT had Stephanie in the building ALL ALONG?????? WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING????????? The whole damn Ministry walked out of camera range...Ross wet himself at the prospect of them coming out to the ring. -commercials -Before the UT can practice his unique brand of Satanic Hijinks..... -X-Pac had to come to the ring and call out Kane for some sort of re-evaluation of the term, "partnership"..... -Then Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett came out and attacked the little X-Pric -Then Kane came out and chased everyone away....then he and X-Pac had words..so he chokeslammed X-Pac....then he picked him up and carried him away....moody little bastard ain't he? -The Undertaker's music came on... -The Ministry came out carrying a "symbol" with Stephanie tied up to it......it's time for Stephanie to DIE FOR OUR SINS!!!!! -Why on Earth am I popping a boner now? -They came to the ring....and propped up the cross so that it's leaning against the top ropes...Ross frantically scrambled through his thesaurus in desperate search for synonyms for the word "diabolical". -Paul Bearer came to the ring...Ross called him "fiendish" -UT came to the ring...Ross called him "demoniacal" -UT grabbed the mic and said that this wasn't his fault at all...blame the ridiculous script writers...(Terry Taylor...I SMELL YOUR HANDIWORK ALL OVER THIS...YOU RAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!) -Oh Lordy Loo.....UT is going to marry the chick! Wouldn't this ceremony be more appropriate if it were done on SHOTGUN Saturday Night? -Paul Bearer performed the service.... -"We are gathered here today to join Stephanie Marie McMahon in Unholy wedlock (UnHOLY?? Man, how does she think she's gonna keep a husband if she's going to be unholy? She better open up those holes for her man!! Or he'll be looking for a little extra sumptin' sumptin.......that may have been the worse joke of my life) with the Lord of Darkness!!" -If they get divorced...will Stephanie get half of the Darkness? That's some primo real estate. -"Will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon, accept the purity of Evil and take the Lord of darkness as your Master and your spouse?" I don't care HOW silly this is...that is a GREATY line. -Stephanie's voice said, "NO"...but her BODY said YES!!!........trollup. -Ken Shamrock ran in with a baseball bat...The Acolytes and Viscera took him down and pounced on him. Somewhere...the Gracie clan are laughing their asses off. -Backstage, Shane is holding back the Corporation...claiming that they'll wait until it gets worse before they jump in....Shane's waiting for the UT to hop on top of her and start wiggling out his demon seed. -UT said "I do".....gotta love the "bearing offspring" part that bearer tossed in. -Paul Wight ran in.....UT knocked him with a bat and sent him toppling. -Oh..someone tell her to stop screaming..... -Bearer pronounced them officially wedded...and told the UT to kiss his Bride....then quickly said, "no, no..the OTHER lips" after UT was heading down South. -The music played and Austin came charging out......THANK GOD!!!!! AUSTIN WILL SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD, THIS COULDN'T HAVE GONE DOWN ANY SMOOTHER IF IT WAS PLANNED!!!!!! -Austin took out Midian...then went right for the UT.....the other Ministriers charged...Austin grabbed a chair...he hit all of them, with Bradshaw and Midean taking a pair of BIG shots.... -The bad guys took off and AUSTIN SAVED THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! (Of course he did..he's Stone Cold!! He's our HERO!!!) -Austin untied Stephanie from the....heh..."symbol". Stephanie got up and immediately hugged Austin...Austin held his arms away from her, NOT returning the embrace...after all, his wife's lawyers are DEFINITELY watching. -Vincent K ran into the ring and Stephanie hugged him.....Vince hugged back....awwww. -Vince mouthed his deep thanks to Austin. Austin just stared on. The show ended on this...very positive note. Aw geeze....I...I..I kind of got into it. Sure it was plotted out carefully...sure it was sappy...sure it almost pure crap. But I was right into it. Jesus Christ..I am such a pussy...I WAS INTO IT!!! IT...IT....BY GOD...IT WAS COOL!!!!! By the way, UT and Stephanie are now "married"....Austin came out too late...or right on time if we break Kayfabe. It's up to you. What the Hell is Nitro up to anyway? Let's go find out. Chris Hyatte
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