Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the May 1 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Vince Russo went off on Internet folks and gave you crap about blasting them for the use of David Arquette as World Champ. I say "You" because until now, I haven't said a single word on the topic. His reason being that the WWF used "stunt" casting like this all the time, referring to the time Vince McMahon held the world belt. Well... here's the problem... Vince has lived, breathed, eaten, drank, crapped, and wiped wrestling since he was a kid. Vince has never done a single thing without knowing what it will lead to. Everything Vince does has a purpose. Fans know that everything that the WWF does has a higher purpose. Every move is a further step to a master plan. He won the belt because it was part of a plan. If he won the belt and hung onto it for months, THEN the fans would bitch, bitch, bitch, and bitch some more. We didn't make a single peep because we KNEW IT WOULDN'T LAST!!!! WE TRUST VINCE MCMAHON!!! We don't trust Eric Bischoff one bit. We don't trust WCW one bit. If David Arquette was a ratings hit, he'd be defending the title at Starrcade in December. Eric would sign him up for as much money as Turner will allow and keep the belt on him. I think the fans HAVE to scream foul, because if they didn't make their points heard loudly and clearly, WCW might have taken that as a sign that Arquette scored. Lord knows we can't allow that to happen. Oh, and this nonsense about Arquette degrading the WCW belt? Chill out, it's wrestling. None of these belts are worth a damn anymore. It's the price you pay for busting kayfabe wide open. Oh yeah, and we would rather forget about the movie "Ready to Rumble". Quit throwing it up in our faces. The film sucked, the film bombed, and every time Arquette shows up on screen serves to remind us that the movie was in existence in the first place. Of course, I KNEW the movie sucked, and I didn't have to brag about getting the script from my loser brother in Hollywood either. On with the show! NITRO: (or: I think Tank just wants Courtney Cox) -opens with Courtney Cox trying to get it through her husband's thick skull that he isn't a wrestler . Note that mini-skirt. -SHHHH... quiet! Hear that thudding sound? It's Courtney's agent, banging his head against the wall. No actress who wants to command 800 G's an episode should be seen anywhere NEAR a wrestling show. -recap of everything that happened last week. Now take out your Journal and see if you're notes coincide with the sequential chain of events. -Are we supposed to believe the Sting spent the day between Nitro and Thunder REFUSING TO WASH OFF THE BLOOD??? -OOh, watch Liz's ass hang down as Russo carries her away. He didn't get that body by lifting weights! Nosiree!! -opening theme. -Because Nitro is MORE THAN JUST A RASSLIN' SHOW!!!! We open up in the parking garage where David Cockette, Kanyon, and DDP's car is forced to stop by a car containing Jarrett, Russo, Elizabeth, Kimberly, Awesome, and Bischoff. MY GOD!!! THEY ATRE GOING TO HAVE IT OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!! NEW YORK GANGLAND STYLE JUST AS RUSSO WANTS IT!!!!!!!! ALL THIS AND IT'S BARELY 8:00??? STOP THE PRESSES!!!! NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS... MY GOD IN HEAVEN, NITRO WINS!!!!!!! -Then Hogan showed up in his non descript hot rod and crashed into the Limo that the heels got out of. We get three different camera angles because they want the feel of a big time movie!!! (need I remind you that TNT is the "Best Movie Studio on Television"?) -Hogan roars out of the car and attacks Awesome. Jarrett and DDP go at it. Arquette uses the confusion to snort up a little pick me up. -WCW Security flies out. Not even Dillenger can contain the rage that is HOGAN!!!! -Into the arena proper... Fireworks match Tony's intensity as he welcomes us to some building in some part of Alabama. Tony assures us that they are all "Crazy in Alabama" (what is with this insistence on plugging bomb movies?) -We are 6 days away from Slamboree. In cased you care. Say, does anyone other than Web guys order these PPV's anymore? -Madden weighed (bwahahaaa) in with HIS opinion on David Arquette. He feels that former champions must be rolling over in their graves... such as "Buddy Rogers, Pat O'Connor, Bruno Sammartino... (he waits a beat... then, in case us morons didn't get the joke the first time around)... a lot of these guys who have passed away that have worn the belt so proudly, so many times!!" -Then Madden waited another beat, and said, "Yes, Bruno Sammartino must be ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE BECAUSE HE'S DEAD EVEN THOUGH HE IS ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING SOMEWHERE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES, HE IS STILL ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE BECAUSE HE PASSED AWAY EVEN THOUGH I TALKED TO HIM 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE SHOW HE WIS REALLY SPINNING IN THAT GRAVE YOU STUPID FOOLS CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM MAKING A JOKE?????" -Madden, "Right now, David Arquette has something that every single wrestler in WCW wants very badly!" (either his wife, or some Crystal Meth). -Crowbar came to the ring with a goofy smile as Tony Schiavone indirectly explained how they managed to get Courtney Cox on Nitro by promoting the movie she is making called, "3000 Miles to Graceland". (Oh Jeezus... here we go. Expect to hear that movie referenced at least once a show for the next year). -Madden and Hudson disagree over how much influence Cox has with her Husband. Let's see how long it takes before Madden brags in his column about how he hangs out with these people. If he does that, I may just post HIS phone number too. -Norman Smiley comes out with a can full of junk and this "mystery partner" that hasn't exactly captured the imagination of the Country. -This "Mystery Partner" (too many of those and you might catch the AIDS). was wearing a Giant Rat's head... or a Dog's head. He had a bit of a belly on him too. -Holy Crap!!! IT'S AUSTIN!!!! IT'S THE SIGNING OF THE CENTURY!!! THEY SIGNED AUSTIN AWAY!!!!!!!!! -Austin got that giant head stuck between the ropes. (The same thing happened to Scherer one day at an ECW house show). Meanwhile, Tony plugged that David Arquette will actually grace us with his presence there IN THE RING so we can all bask in the glow of a real life Hollywood movie star!!!! (whohasyettoopenafilmonhbisname andprobablyneverwillImayaddnobody wenttoscreamtoseedavidplay sweetbutstupiddewey) -CB tossed Norman outside of the ring. "Screamin'" was doing anything but." -CB took a garbage can lid and whacked the Mystery Partner's head with it. Nobody even considered chanting "ECW, ECW" -The Mystery Partner stayed stuck. Apparently, it never occurred to him to simply jump out of the ring. -The match kept going. It was a weak showing. Come on. Baby whacks. -Tony had a chuckle over the Mystery partner's predicament. Having been stuck into more than his fair share of doorways, Madden remained strangely quiet. -Hudson wondered if this guy was Abdullah the Butcher. There was no reason why he thought of that, I think it was just sell his knowledge. -Crowbar stated to dry hump the Mystery Partner's ass as Norman dry humped Crowbar's. A white guy sandwiched between a black man and an animal? Pretty much sums up every Saturday night at my house for a decent chunk of the 80's -The Mystery Partner got out of the ropes, finally. -Norman ended up holding his balls in pain. The Partner deliberately crawled behind him so Norman could trip backwards. -Norman ended up winning with a... oh who CARES??? -to the Announcers. Madden did that Scott Hall toothpick throw, followed by that VERY attractive grimace. He followed up with a lot of hand gestures that exerted enough energy so that he had to start breathing through his mouth. -Meanwhile, in the ULTIMATE study of contradiction... Hudson told Arquette that this was NOT a commercial, this was NOT and acting role, this was NOT a Hollywood production. This PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING AND HE WILL GET HURT!!!! -BUT... Tony called last week's Thunder one of the "greatest moments in Sports Entertainment History." (uh HELLOOO? Make up your MINDS PEOPLE!!!!) -Actually, the only thing mind blowing about any of this is that Thunder is still on the air. -And HOW ABOUT SOME PROPS FOR TONY SCHIAVONE??? THE MAN HAS DROPPED SOME MAJOR WEIGHT!!!! LOOK AT HOW THIN HIS FACE HAS GOTTEN!!! -Dude, YOU work next to Madden every week and YOU'LL be putting a few extra dozen miles on the treadmill too. That ain't no Funhouse mirror next to you. -Backstage I: Arquette tells Page that they better do something because he doesn't deserve to be World Champ, he doesn't WANT to be World Champ, none of this has helped "Ready to Rumble" in the LEAST, and he doesn't want to get busted up before his next bom...err movie. -Backstage II: Bischoff and company are wandering around. Eric asks Kimberly what this show is all about? Kimberly opens her jacket and shows off a belly shirt with the word "ME" on it. I got no problems with that. -Backstage III: Luger and Flair have arrived. Lex wants to kill Russo and kill him NOW!!! Flair wants to relax and think things through. -Backstage IV: Courtney is still trying to talk David into... ahh leave the guy alone, you bitch. Kurt Russell walks by dressed like Elvis and tells Cox that it's time for their "nude love scene" (Any guesses as to why Russo add the word "nude"? Because it's one big orgy in Hollywood and they are SO far superior to us!!) Cox tells Kurt that her husband is the World Champ. Kurt waits a beat, then laughs in their faces (now THAT'S the way to make fans feel good about the show they are watching... have a top star ridicule it). He walks away. Arquette picks up a chair. Cox again tells her husband that he is not a wrestler. Truth be known, he ain't much of an actor either... none of them are. -You know, it takes a LOT of balls for the man who made "Soldier" to laugh at another man's gig. -But, I have Russell pegged. All you need to know about him is that he wakes up every morning, looks in the mirror, smiles and thinks, "I'm really good looking, I'm rich, I'm banging Goldie Hawn, and she lets me nag other women." That's all Russell knows about, and that's all Russell cares about. -How many facelifts has this guy gotten? -commercials -Video spot has Shawn "The Perfect One" Stasiak about to show off his perfection by sinking a number of basketball shots. On one hand, it's an F-YOU to Curt Hennig, who did the exact same bit when he debuted in the WWF lo these many years ago... on the other hand, it's an F-YOU to Vince McMahon, who owns the rights to the character "Mr. Perfect" and would have no problem suing if they make this too identical. Either way, Russo is saying F-You to pretty much everyone. -DDP, Kanyon, and David Arquette come to the ring. Arquette slaps hands on the way in... I only PRAY those rubes know how lucky they are! -Tony pushes the "Ready to Rumble" soundtrack! If you keep it playing for 5 minutes after the last song ends, you'll get a bonus track of Goldberg singing, "Blame Christianity" -Tony reminds us that we just laid eyes of "Courtney Cox and Kurt Russell of Hollywood fame!" What an odd way of phrasing it. -They all hit the mic. Arquette announces that Birmingham is the hometown of his wife! (Well, THAT'LL get him over! He's a real babyface NOW!!!) -Big sign reading "DAVID ARQUETTE WILL RULE YOU!!" Well of course he will, stupid! -Arquette calls winning the belt a "dream come true" (spoken like a man who has banged MORE than his share of hot babes! The dude got Ellen Barkin once! Ellen F-Ing Barkin!!) -It's funny watching Page rub his forehead during all this. He's thoroughly ashamed. Apparently, even the man who tagged with Leno has SOME pride. -Kanyon, on the other hand, had a big shit eating grin on his mug. He don't care, as soon as his contract's up he's gonna see if Titan is hiring. -David understands that he is an "entertainer, not a SPORTS entertainer" (no... he just memorizes lines and looks pretty in front of a camera... I'M AN ENTERTAINER, DAMMIT!) -Arquette decided that tonight, he's going to give up the title because he doesn't deserve it. PAGE deserves it... maybe Booker T deserves it?? (Well, let's not get TOO crazy here! Remember who runs this company now!). -The point is, he's giving up the title, and the winner of the Three Cage Match at Slamboree will get it. He starts screaming "ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE BABY???" The dead heat from the crowd and the 12 million at the Box office after 3 weeks would seem to indicate "no". -They turned to leave... when suddenly... -Jeff Jarrett, Eric Bischoff, KimberMe, Vincent K. (I invented the Toupee too) Russo, and Elizabeth on a leash . Elizabeth on a leash. -Tony, "It's like when you took your kids to the MALL?" (Oh, but the Bounty I had on you're daughter... THAT was emotionally harmful!!! Strolling around a mall with her tethered like a PET in front of her friends is perfectly natural. NO WONDER HIS KIDS RUN WILD ON THE STREETS OF ATLANTA!!!) -They all hit the ring. Jarrett had a mic and said that Arquette is NOT the decision maker around here!! -Jarrett pointed out that Arquette DECIDED to step in the ring on Thunder (Tony argued that he was pushed into it... since I'd rather blow Harvey Firestein than watch Thunder, I have no opinion at all on the topic). Jarrett said that Arquette CHOSE to be a "Sports Entertainer", so now he's stuck with it! -Bischoff got on the mic and agreed. He announced that he, Jarrett, and Russo have decided that Arquette will be in the Triple Cage too on Sunday and it will be a "Triple Threat Match" -Brief interlude as Lex Luger charges out and chases Russo away, with Liz chained to him. -End of Interlude, Bischoff announces that Arquette will need a tune up match for tonight. Something to prepare him for Sunday. So, tonight he will fight Tank Abbott. -of course, the Announcers flip. With good reason, it IS an interesting development. -Tank stomps out, nice grin on his face. Hudson says, "This is not a match, it's an aggravated assault!!" (problem being, it mostly just aggravates the viewers) -Tank hits the ring. DDP tells them to "kill the Monkey's music" (Huh? I didn't hear anyone play "Daydream Believer"?) -Speaking of which, wanna see a bitter old British midget whine about the old days? Tune into any "Monkees Retrospective" special and watch Davey Jones gripe about how he pissed it all away! -DDP called Bischoff an "asshole", to which Bischoff agreed eagerly. -DDP said that there was no way he was letting Arquette tussle with Tank. -Tank stepped in and told Page to mind his own business. What follows is a line for line transcription, done so strictly to show off Russo's talent for dialogue! -DDP, "Am I talking to you Abbott? I don't think so." -Tank, "I'm talking to YOU! Either step up, or shut up!" -DDP, "You SHUT ME UP, BILLY GOAT!!!!" -You can feel the script CRACKLE with authenticity! -Abbott tackles Page. Kanyon moves in on Jarrett. Arquette brawls with Bischoff. Roll Tank and Jarrett out and I'll have no problems seeing a grenade get lobbed in there. -WCW Security swarm in. Page and the boys slip out of the ring. -Tank picks up the mic and says that he'll be more than happy to fight him tonight, under the condition that if Tank should win, Arquette dies tonight because he has to fight him too. Page of course, because he is the WORKING MAN'S SUPERSTAR (!!!!!) agrees. Both he and Kanyon make half assed attempts to get past the Security pushing them back. Arquette, meanwhile, throws his coat over his shoulder and calmly walks backstage. -This makes the SECOND boyfriend of Courtney Cox that Tank is scheduled to fight. The first being that rich guy on "Friends". -Fan at ringside holds a copy of Page's book. The fact that this fan is wearing a tank top that shows off no muscle tone doesn't exactly help promote the thing to a wide audience... you know? -Luger is stomping around backstage screaming, "WHERE YOU AT RUSSO? WHERE YOU AT?" (excuse me but... "Where you at?" Whatever happened to "Where are you"? WHERE YOU AT???? Anyone see Luger growing up on the streets? WHERE YOU AT?????) -Also, why does Lex flip a phone off it's receiver as he looks around? Did he think Russo was hiding under it? He ain't gonna get Liz's fat ass behind the speaker end, no matter HOW hard he tries. -commercials -Stasiak is sinking those free throws AND admiring his Abs. I think that's Symphony with him. -Backstage, Bischoff asks Hugh Morrus if he knows why "they" called him the "Nute Freakin' Rockne" (I think I may have butchered that spelling, I simply never paid much attention to the "Tour de France") of professional wrestling? (WHO HAS EVER CALLED HIM THAT??? WHO??? WHO IS "THEY"???) -It's because Bischoff understands "teamwork", (this coming from the Man who thought tag teams were irrelevant?) and he wants to teach Hugh about "teamwork". So Eric has booked Hugh, Jarrett, and Steiner in a 3 Way Dance tonight, and if any of Hugh's "Misfits" interfere, then they will ALL be fired. Who are the Misfits? Don't tell me they have started sprouting new angles on WORLDWIDE????? -The Wall is in the ring. There are tables all over the place. -Horace comes out. Oh sweet Satan, No!!! -Quicker than a Virgin's first time... Handcock, Kidman, DQ, Hogan, Awesome, gang up Table, Messy, got it?, good. -Video black and white (on a Ted "I'd colorize ‘Schindler's List' is that Spielberg wasn't such a baby " Turner STATION??? WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE???) has Vampiro in a cemetery, coolly inviting Sting to come on over and fight amongst the corpses (Gee, can't they do that at just about any arena WCW plays at? BWAHAHAHAAA) -commercials -Vince Russo drags out Elizabeth. Have they even TRIED to explain how Luger and Flair AREN'T under WCW contract? Who pays them then? Are they working for FREE? -Russo hits the ring and calls for the music to be cut. He has a "short and sweet" message for Lex. -Then he tells a fidgety Liz to "know her place", wanna place bets on what he ALMOST said? -Russo doesn't sweat Lex, and he isn't going to hide from him. In fact, he's calling Lex out for later tonight, where he promised to "rack his ass". -They left. Tony translated everything Russo said for those who don't speak New York Hebrew. -Jeff Jarrett came out. Ooh, Jeff has a BIG cover story in the latest WCW Magazine. I bet one Web Guy's phone number that there is at least one shot at the WWF in it. -Scott Steiner is led out by a pair of babes. I bet that Steiner is just a big a prick in real life as he is in character. Still, Flair is clearly his bitch. -On his way to the ring, Steiner swipes at three different "Anti-Him" signs, one of which he takes with him into the ring. For no reason other than I feel like pissing on the "magic" of wrestling, I say that those signs were PLANTED!!!! THOSE MANIPULATIVE BASTARDS!!!!! -Steiner hits the ring and announces that if he sees any more signs like these again, he'll come out and do what he does best, that being beating the crap out of "white trash, trailer park ass"... (uh oh... I guess Blacks and Hispanics get a free ride?) -Madden pointed out that there is plenty of white trash in the building now. (In ALABAMA?? NOOOO??) -Hugh Morrus came out. Why is he dressed as a Hippie? -The bell rang. Jarrett and Steiner take turns on Morrus. -After dumping Morrus a round a little, Steiner decided to do push ups. Jarrett laid on top of him and pinned him. Steiner's brain did not fire off enough synapses in time to break it, so Jarrett and the Ref had to break the count and look like a pair of rank amateurs in doing so. Steiner is clearly an idiot. Which makes him even MORE dangerous. -They kept beating on Morrus, then took turns beating on each other. Finally, Steiner went for the Recliner. Jarrett hit him with his Guitar. Steiner went down. Morrus pinned him. The rest of the Misfits (Lash Leroux, Chavo Guererro, and Hammer) ran out and celebrated with their leader. So for me, the puzzle fits into place. Obviously, they had no where else to put these guys, so why not form a little version of "D.O.A" -Sting MADE it into the Cemetery... which looks quite a bit like a soundstage. -commercials -The second hour brings us... -The Misfits celebrating! -Russo asking Liz if being this close to an actual "New Yawka" made her hot? -And Stingo in the Cemetery. Tony, of course, remarked that in the "ENTIRE HISTORY OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A FIGHT IN A GRAVEYARD!!!!" (you DO realize that saying stuff like that, does NOT help WCW endear itself to the masses. Nobody likes hyperbole shoved down their throats) -THIS IS THE GREATEST COLUMN THE INTERNET HAS EVER PRODUCED GODDAMMIT!!! WORSHIP ME!!! LOVE ME!!! SEND ME MONEY!!!!! -Vampiro appears behind Sting as he walks by. Millions (well, with RAW now on, more like thousands) of yokels scream at their TV sets, "HE'S BEHIND YOU STINGER!!" -Sting walks around some more. Past various gravestones. -VINCENT MCMAHON SENIOR???? WOW!!! -POPE JOHN PAUL??? HOLY COW!!! -GORDON JUMP?? WHEN DID HE DIE? -Eventually, Vampiro revealed himself to Sting, led him on a chase, jumped him from behind with a shovel, and went to work on him. This went on for a few minutes as Vamp led him near an open grave, (nothing fresh there). -Vampiro picked up a Gravestone out of the ground (yeah, right) and held it for a moment. In an atrocious bit of acting, we get this mid fight dialogue usually reserved for comic books... -Sting, "Who are you?" -Vampiro, "I'm the monster, you SHOULD have been!" -Then Vamp crashed the tablet into Sting's mush (sorry, but it crumbled WAAAY too easily). Stinger sold it like a trooper and sailed backwards into the grave. He hit hard and stayed there. Vampiro said something about "checking out", then dumped a wheelbarrow into the grave. He walked away. (I'm sure that if he started shoveling dirt in Turner executives might have decided to become a wee bit more involved with this show). -One final shot of Sting's hand... reaching out of the grave and raking the ground. -Corny? Yes. Hokey? You bet'cha. Stupid? Please. But you know what? It WORKED!!! I am FASCINATED! -commercials. The eeriest thing is that the first spot following this creepiness was for KFC. -Moments ago... well, you know. -Backstage, Flair and Luger are quite confident about the fate of Vince Russo. Flair has said, "WHOO" for the first time in a MONTH! Don't expect it to last. -DDP comes out. Hudson reminds us that Eric Bischoff stole Page's WIFE!!! Which, in turn, reminds us that it's all about getting Eric over. -Tank comes out. They mouth off to each other a bit. Page swings first. Tank swings harder. Page is laid out within 3 seconds. (Now THIS is a push to the Moon!) -Tank seems annoyed that this is someone's idea of a challenge. -Backstage, Bischoff and KimberMe are watching with amusement. -Page is tossed outside. He fights back briefly, but Tank will only sell this old fart for so long. -Meanwhile, Arquette and Kanyon discover that someone has LOCKED THEM IN THEIR DRESSING ROOM!!! (either that, or Kanyon pushed instead of pulled... which is completely believable for him... dumb ass) -They fought in the seats a little, then Tank was back at ringside and had the Ref occupied. DDP straddles the rail when someone runs up to him from behind and hits him with a bottle of some sort. Page collapses, the Ref counts him dead, and Tank wins. -Turned out that the fan was actually Jarrett. Not that he was really needed. Tank had this thing locked. -Tank smiled and calmly strolled backstage. Now THIS is a scary presentation. -Eric and Kim were enjoying this. -Arquette wasn't -We see how Jarrett cranked Page from a different angle. How are they gonna save the kid's ass now? We'll find out after this rousing set of... -commercials -Page is being stretchered away. Arquette is trying to wake him up and get his ass into Protection Mode -Meanwhile, Hogan finds Mike Awesome and attacks him. -Billy Kidman comes to the ring sans Torrie. Maybe she forgot how to wake up? -Billy is on the mic and announces that he is expecting a "Thank you" or two from the fans. For what, you ask? Well... -How about for taking Hulk Hogan and wiping your ass with him? (Okay, thanks Billy!!) -How about for taking Hogan's "nothing happening Nephew" and kicking the crap out of him? (THANK YOU BILLY!!! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!) -How about for showing us what the New Blood is all about? (Oh like I give a horse's ass!) -Kidman told us that the New Blood was all about taking the "Heroes" of this business, guys who have been calling themselves "Heroes" for so long that the name eventually stuck, guys like Hogan, Sting, and Nash (oooh, you sure you want to piss off Nash? He NEVER sells! -Oh, before I forget, THANK YOU BILLY FOR KILLING CHRIST!!! I really appreciated that one. -He called himself the "future" and the "Kingpin" around here... and guys like Nash were just "washed up pieces of trash" (Funny, I thought that title was only reserved for former Scoops writers?) -Kidman decided not to talk anymore. Then changed his mind and trash talked Hogan a little. Then he challenged anyone in the back to a match. -In the back, as Kidman asked Hogan if maybe his WIFE wanted an ass whuppin' (damn... that's cold), Terry Taylor talked Kevin Nash into going out there and showing the Kid what's what. -Define "Cool"? Check out the way Big Sexy calmly strolled to the ring, not a care in the world. THAT, my friends, is "cool" -Nash came out. Kidman did the requisite "Oh Shit" look. Then started swinging as soon as Nash straddled the top ropes. -It was a blowout, of course. Nash lumped the kid all over the place. Madden screamed, "BILLY, DON'T BE A HERO!!!" -After a few minutes, who should run out but Konan and Rey Mysterio Jr!! -The Announcers declare that they don't even work for the company. I don't remember hearing that. -They Triple Teamed Nash a bit. Lots of Flying Dropkicks (as opposed to Grounded Dropkicks Hyatte? You Hardon!) -Nash fought back and cleaned house... harshly. Mysterio sold this boot to the face that was AMAZING. -Eventually, they ran. Nash gave chase. Konan and Rey hightailed it to a car, but not before Rey wiped out on the cement and probably gave himself an extra four months of rehab. -They get in a car and take off... for roughly ten feet before being blocked by another car. Nash opened the door of a car to give chase. Noted that the Gringos weren't going anywhere. deiced that it would be pretty damn stupid to get in a car and drive ten feet, and just walked towards them -we break for... -commercials -Well, someone F-ed up... from the looks of it. -Oh, and Konan's back. yippie. -Backstage, Nash is pounding away -Back to the ring, Madden wanted to speak on something. How about speaking on a DIET? -Russo came out. I am officially sick of recapping and will proceed to fly through the rest of the column with the speed of Mercury -Liz was still chained to him. BIG sign that reads, "RUSSO SLEEPS WITH GOATS (I have proof)" -Russo gets on the mic and says that he will make a pest of himself at Slamboree and will kick his ass. Then he tells Luger that if he can beat him, he gets Liz back. -He says something to Liz. Liz tells him to kiss her ass. -Luger comes out. WCW Security attacks him. He fights back, he ends up handcuffed. Buff, Shane, beat down. Then Kronic come out and whale the crap out of EVERYONE. Then THEY are maced and arrested by cops. THIS SHOW IS TOO GODDAM LONG!!!!!!!!!!! -Backstage, Arquette is freely sweating. Kanyon is clueless as to what to do. -commercials -Nash has added Konan's car to the list of things he's wasting tonight. God Bless Nash. -Kronic has been booked, I guess -Vampiro came out to brag about taking out Sting. Which he did quite nicely. -Then the arena went dark and the music started. -We see a Crow planted under that big screen. Tony announces that Sting has risen from the dead. If Tony keeps THAT crap up, we'll have to see if he can do the same. -Sting sailed own from the rafters and attacked Vamp with a bat. He hit him a few times, then walked away. Sort of anti-climatic, if you ask me. Not that anyone did. F-You. -Arquette, Kanyon, and Tank were all getting ready. -Stasiak was still hitting all net. You have to wonder how many takes it took. -commercials -Liz slapped Vince Russo and told him to get lost. NOBODY owns her. -Tank is out. This should be interesting. -Arquette and Kanyon come out. Kanyon has a pair of Brass knuckles and a sneer. Neither were very threatening. This was his grand plan. Next week, Kanyon unveils his cure for AIDS... ABSTINENCE!!! -The Ref ordered Kanyon to leave. This ain't his match. -Arquette jumps on top of Tank from behind. Tank laughs and jams him into the corner. -Bischoff and co. are backstage, loving it in a mellow sort of way. -Page showed up driving the Ambulance. Tank heard the music play and waited for him to come out. Page snuck up from behind and hit Tank. Tank went down. Arquette pinned him. Hollywood always wins. What a douchebag way to end it. -commercials -Curt Hennig finally shows up and blasts Stasiak. Sue them McMahon... sue them NOW -I missed something between the last set of commercials and the Hennig attack. At this point, I don't give a rat's ass anymore. -Hogan's out. -Awesome runs out. It's on. -They fight all over the place. -The Announcers alternate between "Terry Bollea" and "Hulk Hogan". Let's see if they can reference Thunderlips. -The good news is that Madden is old enough to be living deep in heart attack country. It shouldn't be long now. -Hogan dominates on the outside, and it stayed outside for quite a while too. -Back in the ring, Awesome eats a boot and rolls out. -Kidman tries to sneak in from behind with a chair. Hogan catches him. Kidman eats the chair. -Kidman recovers and hits Hogan with the chair on the outside after leaping off the top ropes. I would mention that Hogan was caught sneaking a peak a few seconds before Kidman jumped, but I'm too tired. -After the chairshot, Hogan weas easy pickings. Awesome pinned him. Hogan hasn't "Hulked Out" in quite a while, has he? Not that I mind. -After the match, Hogan woke up and took a chair to both of them. He cleared the ring, specifically so... -A kid in a Sting mask can run in. Take off his mask. Pump his arms, and then get apprehended by Security. -The Blood can drop on him. The New Blood kids run out and slip around the muck. Bischoff is out, watching in triumph. -The show ends. Okay, now that Nitro is finding a "groove", it's become a better show. No doubt about that. But as it's uaually ALWAYS the case with me, I find myself interested in some angles, and bored to tears with more. Until they can balance the scales... then blah, blah, blah... Raw wins. Closer time then I'm out. * * * I like to do this from time to time, if only to remind you slobs that there is actually a reason why I keep doing this column. Now, I like the current wrestling scene. It's very exciting. The Internet has changed wrestling in more ways than anyone will admit, and this new "evolution" of the sport has opened it up in ways never before imagined! Yet, it's always good to remember one's roots. It's always good to recall what led you to the moment. You had to have been a fan yesterday in order to be a fan today... but how many "yesterdays" have you been a fan? It's been over 20 years for me. 20 years worth of "yesterdays". So, let's get a little femmy and remember a time before the Internet. A time before Monday nights. I remember... ... the Oinkettes ... the way Heenan never missed eyeing the camera on the close up shots. ... "Coming On America" ... when RAW were the Titans on Tuesday night ... Piper slapping Lord Alfred ... Vince banning him from the set ... when Piper ruled ... when the Freebirds and the Von Erichs lit up the Texas night ... having nightmares about the Butcher ... when DiBiase owned Louisiana, Oklahoma, and everywhere in between ... when DiBiase broke the Bullet ... when Bruno would handle it in the houses ... seeing Hogan blitz through Monsoon within 10 seconds ... watching the Horsemen make Hawk look like a bitch ... when the Dream took care of business ... when Buzz owned Atlanta ... when Saturday mornings were World Class ... when a coconut changed Snuka forever ... Dr. D. being Hogan's worst nightmare ... when the Hands of Stone put on a clinic ... when Nikita fought for Magnum ... when Eaton flew ... when Andre put a lifetime of sadness behind his challenge ... when Gorilla and the Brain wrote the book on chemistry ... when Rocky put a chair through Afa's head ... when Sunday evenings belonged to Watts ... wondering if the Sheik was insane ... Joe Pedicino knowing ... when the Steiners would do something amazing each week. ... when Barry shocked the world ... when Reed and Simmons meant Doom And I remember when I refused to admit that this was all fake. Because it wasn't. This is the Internet Hooligan