Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the May 1st edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte In the "Always expected, never confirmed" department: "Dave insisted repeatedly that he had never read your stuff, had vaguely heard of you as some sort of "Internet Hooligan", he hated going to a "second-rate" site like Scoops!" A former or current writer for 1Wrestling.com. I ain't telling. "Internet Hooligan"... YESSSSS!! I LOVE IT!!! I WANT THAT ON MY TOMBSTONE!!!! BOOYAAA! [Ed: That's funny, Dave never had a problem ranting about the infamous 'Hyatte' way back when we were still on good terms with him. But what is Dave's word worth nowadays, anyway?] Of course, SCOOPS may be a LOT of things, but "second rate" isn't one of them. It's amazing that Scherer would say that even in private e-mails. I SHOULD point out that this e-mail was sent while I was still there. The author of this e-mail's main point was to tell me that any reference to my name was always deleted by 1wrestling before posting. That's TWO of the biggest sites in the wrestling world that have banned the mention of my name... now THAT is why I RULE!!! Oh yeah, and he added this tidbit, which is pretty big in its own right. "I have had little, if any contact with Bob, other than random mail from him telling me to quit talking (bagging on) about WCW, since my column is supposed to be WWF-oriented." Chew on that for a while. I know it may not seem like much, but... well... think it over and decide for yourself. Is Free Speech outlawed in Ryderspace? [Ed: Is that a trick question?] By the way, this is the Mop-Up and I am the Internet Hooligan. Hello. Aside from the stuff above, I have two items concerning my former site that I would like to discuss. No, no ragging on them on my part, just some fun stuff... First of all, this occurred to me the other day, and for no reason at all. When I was at SCOOPS, most every other major web guy hated us. Part of it was because we were so big, the other part was because of me. I attacked the people nobody else did... Scaia, Scherer, Bob, even NoSoul.. Hell, you know how many people gave Sean Shannon a hard time before I started with him? NOBODY!!! Now everybody does it. Anyway, that was why The Internet community really never gave Scoops props. Now that I'm gone, why hasn't this changed? Case in point. Al did an Interview with Goldberg. The ONLY interview with Goldberg I know of since he was put on the injured list, outside of promoting "Ready to Rumble" to journalists who know nothing about wrestling. With Al, Goldberg ripped on Mick Foley, accused HHH of spreading Internet rumors about him, and CHALLENGED HHH to a match "anywhere, anytime". He basically came across as the most arrogant asshole this side of Diana Ross. Really, there was some HUGE stuff, stuff that people who don't visit SCOOPS would have liked to have heard. So why was it ignored? How come NOBODY commented on it? Is SCOOPS still so despised that even with me gone, the Internet pretends that it doesn't exist? Goldberg having the sheer BALLS to rip on Mick Foley is news... it has no business being ignored. So why was it? Hey, if SCOOPS closed up tomorrow or lasted for 50 years, I wouldn't care either way, it's the mindset of Web Guys that I find fascinating. They're all douchebags. [Ed: ...including Scoops. When was the last time Al plugged a competitor's work? For some reason, the only people no one feels threatened to plug are Meltzer and Keller. Why? I'm not sure. And now that I think about it, isn't Al the only one who never mentions these two either?] More stuff with SCOOPS, Greg Hazen was just screwing around on the web the other day and found this link: http://www.scoopscentral.com/pages/The_Scoop/ Year_In_Review97/hyatte.html Read it, or don't. It's all crap, pure toilet swill. My only defense is that it was written barely 6 months into my Internet Writing "career", so I was still finding the ball breaking psychopath within. Jeeze, there's some stuff in there that I used JUST LAST WEEK. Either way, it's fun to read something from SCOOPS when they still used the red stripe. The red stripe RULED!!!!!! Be quick, before Remy gets wind of this and yanks it faster than you can say, "Have a great one, amigos!". The real mind blower here is what OTHER past stuff of mine are still posted somewhere in cyberspace? Perhaps one day someone will find a cache of my old "Spilled Milk" PPV recaps? The OTHER mind blower here is what kind of loser is Greg Hazen for even STUMBLING across this? Dude, get a woman... NOW!!! In other notes, the Arquette thing doesn't bother me, because it makes it clear that WCW is more interested in instant heat as opposed to building a foundation by which to grow on. The WWF took it's sweet time developing the Steve Austin/Vince McMahon rivalry. Once they had that, they GREW THE REST OF THE STORYLINES FROM IT. They had the foundation. By the way, no RAW featuring Mike Tyson won in the ratings. The very first RAW that beat Nitro was the one that had Sean Waltman returning and shooting his ass off. Waltman was the final straw that broke Nitro's back, and Bischoff FIRED him. Remember that tidbit while everyone else re-writes history. I'll have some fun with Russo and Page ragging on the Internet at the top of the Nitro column. Also in the closer, a change of pace as I get "serious" and reflect on why I'm a wrestling fan, and why I have always have been. It's another big old reminder that there was some ACTUAL WRESTLING before Austin, the Rock, Bischoff, and Internet Dickheads. I know, I know... it's hard to believe that we actually enjoyed the sport before today. Why don't you punks read and try to LEARN about the sport for once? It's a walk down memory lane that's all sorts of faggy. I am not afraid to post it either. F-You. Umm... yeah, that's about it. I'm fresh out of topics. Johnny Cochran has filed a 20 million dollar lawsuit against the city of Providence, here in Rhode Island. I'll talk about that some day. It's good readin'. For now though, following up a KICK ASS PPV (best I've seen in a WHILE), it's time to check out just what happened on that two hour gay fest we all know as... RAW IS WAR (or: new WWF champ? Skeet Ulrich! BRILLIANT!) -opens with the end credits of "Walker: Texas Ranger"... it USED to be called "Runner: Texas Ranger", but Chuck Norris's running days are far behind him. He would have been happy with "Spirited Trot: Texas Ranger". -opening theme. There might have been a brief PPV highlight package, but I was busy in the other room setting up "Ally" for the VCR. Gots to LOVE the Biscuit. -Fireworks light up the night. Retards throughout the building begin picking up Black fans and carrying them out of the building. Listen carefully and you can hear one of them yelling, "BUT I DON'T KNOW SHEEIT ‘BOUT NO MUTHAF&%KING SHRIMP, FOOL!!" -Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler are on hand to welcome us to the Baltimore Arena in Phoenix, Arizona?????? HUH????? -No, of course, they are in Baltimore, Maryland. Think they might have a "Corner" match where the loser has to spend the week on a street corner where cigarettes cost 35 cents a piece, everyone is a dope fiend, and Charles Dutton runs around with a camera asking you what happened to your life? -great show, by the way... HBO keeps producing incredible stuff... except for "Tracey takes On..." and "Arliss". Horror scenes... both of them. -Know what I miss? Stuart Pankin, Lucy Webb, Danny Breen, and Rich Hall in "Not Necessarily the News"... those "Bring Back Dick" campaign spots cracked me up. -You have no clue, do you? I totally lost you. -Lawler comments that they would probably have to surgically remove the smile from JR's face after the Rock won last night. Funny, didn't Bell's Palsy take care of that quite nicely? -The Edge and Christian come on out to join the commentators for this first match. They barely get a chance to sit down when Ross called their title defense the other night "controversial". Edge insisted that they had won "fair and square" (as opposed to "Uneven and Circular"?) -The Dudley's come out. The crowd gave theme easily the biggest pop they had EVER heard. -Photo clips show us that another attempted smooch failed to keep Stratus from going through a table. I say "attempted" smooch because that kiss was dryer than an old woman's crotch. If Buh Buh's lips were any more pursed they would have melded into one. -Ross, "Miraculously, nothing was broken on Trish's anatomy." Except for her hymen, of course... but nobody is dumb enough to think that Buh Buh had ANYTHING to do with that. -"T & A" come out. I've seen a couple of web pricks refer to them as "A T & T"... which they took from me... even though I suck and nobody is supposed to read me anymore. Go figure. -Things get going briskly enough in the ring. Outside, Ross asks the boys why they came down the aisle, and not through the crowd anymore. Edge said that too many Homos were going for his wad, as of late. It's gotten so crazy that a lock of Edge's hair is being sold on Ebay for $50. (someone with the screen name "Pat MeLap" bought it. His e-mail addy was PatMeLap@Hotmale.com, if you wish to try to buy it off him.) -Lawler asked the kids if they had any more "insider info" to discuss this week, seeing how last week proved so successful that Vince wasted no time in getting their asses out there again. Christian said that this week, they were going to "shoot with you." -Lawler got excited. Christian assured us that this did NOT mean that they're not going to use any kind of gun or ammo. No "shooting" means that they were going "shoot from the hip" and "tell it like it is." -Christian, "Betty's never heard that one before JR?" -Lawler, "Their gone shizoot JR, shizoot!" -Ross, "Yeah, I know... duh!" -Meanwhile, two ringside fans held up two signs. One read, "TRISH STRATUS CAN BLOW ME KISSES" The other read, "TRISH STRATUS CAN BLOW ME". They held them up high. After they put them down, that big monster of a WWF Security Chief calmly walked over, plucked them out from behind the guard wall, and walked away without saying a word. The two fans started cracking up. Now THAT'S how you handle getting busted, and still look cool. -of course, later that night, those same two guys were wheeled into the Emergency room. with two of those old Hacksaw Jim Duggan foam Two by Fours balled up and shoved deep up their asses. Well, they weren't much use sitting in the warehouse gathering dust, now were they? -anywhoo, the "shoot" consisted of Edge announcing that they were their for an in depth analysis of these two teams, which will probably end with another run in. Lawler shrieked with delight. -That ain't much of a shoot, dammit. -The Edge admits to liking the Dudley's new attire; claiming that it has a real "Bushwhackers 2000" feel. (Now THAT'S a shoot!! Well, maybe not... but it's damn sure a DIS!!!) -Christian, "Yeah the camouflage! Ooo, I can't see their bodies, I can only see a couple of heads floating around!!" (That's MY JOKE DAMMIT!!!! I USED IT TO DESCRIBE THE OLD... THE OLD... dammit, I forgot the group. It was with Kurgan, Recon, and Sniper. The "Commandant" used to run it, then the Jackal had a turn. It lost me. Either way, HE'S RIPPING ME OFF!!!!!!!!!) -Still is damn funny though! -THE TRUTH COMMISSION!!!! You can delete that e-mail now, I don't CARE how smart you think you are. -Edge issued a challenge to "anyone in the back" to a match tonight. They have beaten every team in the company already, so that's no challenge. ANYONE in the back who wants to fight, they will fight. Of course, being CANADIAN, Edge screwed up and kept insisting that ANYONE BACK THERE can come get them if they want... both Lawler and Ross had to keep trying to get Edge to specify that it has to be someone they have yet to wrestle yet. After the third time, Edge picked up on it. -Then the Edge said, "You know... this sucks! I don't even know this guy here. He's not my Brother. Besides, Christian's real name is Ira Lipshitz. When I signed on with the WWF, I was guaranteed a HUGE Inter Continental championship run. What happened to that? Where is Vince anyway? Someone tell Patterson to stop drilling holes into my locker room! I banged Sable. Waltman is a Homo! Ross, nobody likes you and we laugh at your frozen face! Lawler, how many facelifts are you on now? I'm jumping to WCW as soon as I can! This place went to shit the moment Russo left! I am attracted to 6 year old boys! Chyna eats pu**y! I BURN CROSSES IN MY BLACK NEIGHBORS LAWNS!!!!!!" -NOW THAT'S A SHOOT DAMMIT!!!!! -Lawler chastised Ross for talking too much and not letting the champs get a word in edgewise. Then pointed out the pun to Edge. Edge told him to go fu** another 4th grader. (FIRE THEM SIX SHOOTERS COPELAND!!!!! KEEP ON SHOOTING!!!) -E & C (HEY!! Do they work for Wrestleline on the side?) re-iterated their challenge for anyone left to come and challenge them. Lawler asked if they had any tag teams left? (sounds like a primo opportunity to bring back THE MIDNIGHT ROCKERS!!!! THEY AREN'T RIPPING OFF THE ROCK & ROLL AND MIDNIGHT EXPRESS!!! THEY JUST LIKE TO ROCK OUT AT MIDNIGHT, DAMMIT!!!!!!) -I read that in "Inside Wrestling"... too many years ago. -meanwhile, we had a slam bang match going on. I would recap every move in painstaking detail, but that would make me a LOSER!!! -The Dudley's hit Test with the 3 D... E & C decided that was their cue and began their run in. -The Run In consisted of Christian give D-Von the "Downward Spiral" as Edge distracted the Ref and as Albert and Buh Buh fought outside. I hate my life. Christian placed Test on top of D-Von and the Edge dropped down to the outside. The Ref made the 3 count. The match was won. -Backstage, 3H was walking with Stephanie. 3H's arm was in a sling. Road Dogg, Torrie, and X-Pac were walking behind them. Shane and Vincent K were walking behind them. Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson were walking behind them. Pat slapped Gerald on the back as they walked. It was a perfectly natural, perfectly innocent slap. There will be no jokes about "sucking him off". Nobody is going to be talking about "pickling the carrot". I refuse to make any wise cracks about "keeping the axle oiled". Please, grow up. -And of course, I know full well about Ross mentioning that "the parade must be over" last night. Jim topped himself later tonight. -"Judgment Day" is coming. Even though it's probably a plug for the next PPV, it has a malevolent feel to it. Something tells me a certain "dead man" might be coming back. -commercials -we see that various members of the Baltimore Orioles are in the house. Cal Ripken was going to be there, but he didn't feel like it. He is SO LAZY!! -Albert Bell was going to be there too, but he explaining to Spike Lee why he is so misunderstood. -Jesse Orosco was supposed to be there, but he chose to stay at home and practice his curve ball. At least SOMEONE on the Orioles has a work ethic!!!!! -God... I hope I have my players right and Orosco is a member of that team. -The McMahon-Helmsley Regime come out. They would have gone back to calling themselves "The Corporation"... but why give Russo another reason to brag? -Everyone is sneering. Thanks to Disney and Time Warner, nobody got to watch the Celebrity "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" before the show. (I am so sick of Rosie O'Donnell sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong!! First it's vag, now it's Regis's game show.) -HH & that H guy got on the stick first and snidely quipped that he's sure the fans are absolutely jubilant over him losing the belt the other night. -Fans chant the Rock's name. -HHH said that Rocky should be happy to be the WWF champion, and even more important, he beat the best damn WWF champ ever to do it. (when did he beat Bobby Backlund?) -But, HHH didn't think that the Rock was THAT happy. After all, he didn't win the belt fairly. It took "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's assistance to make it happen. (and it ALMOST took the Rock's assistance for Austin to get up off the ground... poor bastard... I've banged corpses with more grace. -I TOLD YOU TO BRING A SIGN THAST READ "AUSTIN GOT FAT!!!" YOU WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE A REAL INSIDER!!!! DID YOU LISTEN TO ME?? NOOOOOOO!! STUPID ASSES!!! -HHH said it took Linda McMahon, and that "little piece of crap, Earl Hebner" to screw him out of the WWF title. -HHH advised the Rock to enjoy the belt. Shine it up, look at it, and enjoy it as much as he can. Because he is on borrowed time. -Fans chant, "HE'S AN ASSHOLE"... I think. -HHH raved some more about how he'll get the title back and all that... blah, blah, blah... -Then he turned to JR and said that he listened to the tape last night. He heard JR's commentary, and even though JR is the best in the business, (Oh like David Crockett was chopped LIVER????), he kept saying something last night over and over again which HHH didn't care for, (well, after the 16th time, even I got tired of hearing Ross say, "Russo sucks"). HHH didn't care for Ross and all the signs saying, "Game Over"... because the "Game", of course, has just begun!!! -HHH handed the mic off to Stephanie. Guess what the fans treated her too? -Lawler, "She is NOT a sluuu..." -Ross, "Easy, Tiger!" -Stephanie got on the stick and said she was "so proud" of Hunter. She said that she was never "more proud of her Husband or her family." Last night, her Husband proved once again that he was "The Game"... gamely sticking with the match even though he separated his shoulder early in the match. -The crowd chanted something... I couldn't make it out. Sounded a little like, "READ THE MOP-UP", but that might be wishful thinking. -Stephanie stated for the record that she loves her Husband and she loves her family (and judging from those stretch marks around her mouth... there's a lot of her Husband and family to love). -Vince took the mic. He nearly saved this entire segment by saying, "The first thing... the first individual...SHHUT UUUUP!!!" He lost it mid sentence! It's been a while since Vince barked at the fans like that. -Ross, "Mr. McMahon is in the worst mood that I have EVER seen him in!" (well, not counting the time Patterson hired the dancers for Shane's bachelor party. Needless to say, only one person there enjoyed Ramon and Manuel's imaginative use of a Cattle Prod.) -In reference to Steve Austin. Vince insisted that Austin is not scheduled to be there, but if he shows up tonight... Vince promises, no GUARANTEES the fans that whatever happens to Austin in this very ring, will be far worse than what any hit and run driver could possibly do to him. (since Austin never showed up... this was obviously a deliberate ploy to keep the channels from clicking. MY GOD!!!! MCMAHON REALLY DOES FEAR BISCHOFF!!!!!! NITRO IS BREATHING DOWN THEIR NECKS AND VINCE IS FEELING THE HEAT!!!!!!) -As far as Vince's "charming, darling wife Linda is concerned...". It was Linda who showed up at ringside and re-instated Earl Hebner, for you cheap bastards who can't cough up the dinero for the PPV. Or if you are without a nifty little cable black box so you can get all sort of free channels (God Bless the Black Market!!!! notthatIwouldhaveanything todowithsuchillegalbehavior leavemealoneyoudouchebags!) -Now, Vince is a non violent man and Linda has lead a charmed life, being married to him (Vince in the bedroom, "I'M COMING, I'M COMING!!! IT'S OVER!!! IT'S OV... oh, wait a minute.") -Vince has never hurt a hair on her head, but if she shows up tonight... remember when HHH had her in the Pedigree? But it turned out he wasn't REALLY going to do anything to her? Well, that's Triple H... "that's not me". (JR, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! THAT'S HIS WIFE HE'S TALKING ABOUT!!!" Poor JR. It's been so long since he's had a Woman's head between his legs that he's forgotten that she's not exactly the "vunerable" one in that situation.) -As far as Earl Hebner goes. Vince admits that earl has reported for duty tonight... and Vince will "attend to him later". -Finally, Vince has one more guarantee. When the Rock shows up with his WWF belt tonight, Vince guarantees that WWF History will be made in this ring tonight with the Rock, and it will be made tonight... "IN THE STEEL CAGE!!" -Vince points up... we see that there is a cage suspended up there. Ross and Lawler act like they never saw it up until now... how utterly Schiavonistic of them. -The group leaves, they said what they had to say. The show is set up for the night. Just like every F-ing week. Over and over. Week after Week. Monday after Monday. Same crap time after time after time. Oh God... it never ends. I feel like an immortal who just received life in solitary confinement. I'm pissing my life away in this endless loop of silly, silly sport that isn't even a sport. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. I want to die I want to die I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!! WILL JESUS PLEASE STOP F-ING AROUND AND PLANT THAT GODDAM TUMOR IN MY BRAIN PLEASE???? I'M READY DAMMIT!!! I'M READY!!!!!!!! - - - - - -this is what happens when I do 6 weeks of columns in a row. -Backstage, a valet parker walks up to Crash Holly in his rental and asks if he's Hardcore Holly. Crash wasn't too thrilled. The Valet offers to take care of the car. Crash gets his stuff out of the trunk. Suddenly, a shot rang out! (The plot is thickening). A bell rang! A maid screamed! Suddenly, a ship appeared on the horizon! (Good luck with that one, Nitwits!) -Ross had just reminded us of Crash's 24/7 rule when a Referee appeared. The valet attacked Crash and knocked him down. Crash kicked out of the pin attempt and through the Valet in his trunk and slammed it shut. Crash ran. So did we... -commercials -Rewind showed us that NASTY ASS top rope reverse DDT that Dean Malenko gave Scotty Too Hotty. I saw that move and loudly said, "Holy COW!!". I NEVER say that unless I'm totally stunned... or unless if I happen to be in India doing some top secret work for the Mossad, (keep that under your hats). -Too Cool came out. Brian Christopher is out of rehab and ready to work again. Well yeah... all he had was a little knee surgery. Poor Bill Goldberg scratched his arm and he's been out for MONTHS! Goldberg is a REAL MAN DAMMIT!! -The Hardy Boyz came out. The lost those ultra tight, faggy shirts in favor of a pair of snazzy "Hardy Boyz Rulz" tank tops. I'm sure their bank accounts will grow by at least 15 cents after those bad boys sell well into the dozens. -One day, the WWF should eliminate the middle man and come out with a shirt that says, "Here Mr. Bully, take my lunch money, I wasn't hungry anyway. Now let me dunk my own head in the toilet for you!" -Scotty starts off with the "Boy" with a rainbow in his hair. After knocking him down, he "kips up", then proceeds to Moonwalk over the Christopher and tag him in. Some double teaming coupled with borderline annoying synchronized dancing followed suit. -Lawler asked Ross if it was "cool" to let the underwear hang over the pants while you wrestle? I can answer that... it stopped being "cool" the second Jim Lee put a backwards baseball cap along with the underwear hanging over the pants on Karnak 4 years ago. -Jeff Hardy entered the ring by Moonsaulting from the top rope onto his feet. Next time, he should stick a broom up his ass so he can sweep up as he wrestles. -Christopher with the Full Nelson Face Buster. -Jeff responds with a Side Saulto, Ass Bounce, Moonflip, Naked Monkey. Christopher kicked out. -Scotty Bulldogged Jeff, then opened his arms and got the crowd ready... Matt snuck up and hit him with a Neckbreaker. -Jeff held Scotty down for Matt, who climbed the second rope and gave him the Alabama Jam. -Scotty responds by giving Jeff (at this point, I'm just guessing the names) a Powerbomb/HotShot -Christopher grabbed both Hardy heads, climbed to the second rope, and dumped them both with a Double Bulldog. -Matt had Scotty in the corner and got on his hands and knees. Jeff walked to the opposite corner, but was hassled by Christopher. He dove over the top rope and nailed Christopher. Matt got up and was like, "What the F**k, dude?" -Scotty hit Matt from behind and gave him the Worm (... that didn't sound right). - Jeff came back in and knocked down Scotty. Christopher came in and was double teamed. They were about to finish things when Christopher knocked one into the other, then clotheslined one and pinned him in a bit of an upset. I think I've seen more new moves in this match then ever before. I also think I might have peed my pants. It might just be nut sweat. -The two boys dance in the ring. Bob Fosse died just in time. -backstage, Vince asks Patterson and Brisco to "do him a favor". Brisco asks if he wants coffee with cream. Patterson asks what can he do for him? No controversy, but you'll notice that his hands were hovering near his zipper. -Vince asks them to bring Earl Hebner to him. Brisco offers him in a box, or his head on a silver platter? Patterson tells Gerald that he just wants to talk to him. Vince growls that neither man knows what he wants to do with him, just bring him to Vince now. -The boys hop to. Ross, "This don't look good! This don't look good, AT ALL!!!" (SELL THIS ANGLE ROSS!!! SELL IT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!) -commercials -Outside of the building, we are informed that the place is sold out. Nitro used to do this, but someone figured out that a flashing sign reading "GOOD SEATS STILL AVAILABLE" does NOT help their cause. -The Boys bring Hebner to Vince. Vince orders the two to watch the door and make sure nobody gets in. Pat says, "I'll sit on the knob myself, Vince!!" -Alone with Earl, Vince stands up and looks him over with a sneer on his face. He calls him a "sniveling little sh(BLEEEP)!", then says, "Who the hell do you think you are? Huh? If it hadn't have for you and Austin, Triple H would still be champion! But no, oh no.. MY WIFE reinstates YOU? You driveling little piece of DRECK!!" -Hebner, "I just want my job." -Vince, "You what?" -Heb, "I just want m.." -Vince, "SHUT UP!!!!! You want your job... you want your JOB!! You stay out of my business. You got it? I'm telling you. You better stay out of my business. Bad things, happen to people who get in my business." (He's got that right. Horrible things like baldness, delusional breakdowns, alcoholism, 40 year old men wearing FUBU clothes, a lifetime spent with a bird on your arm... just to name a few). Vince then threw him out of the room. -Jacqueline comes out with the Kat. The Kat has brought her hair back to brunette status... thank Heaven. -Ross pushes the multi-cover RAW magazine. Where I was, only Torrie and Ivory's cover were available... however I was informed that there are still PLENTY of editions of "Blue Boy" magazine with the Mark Madden layout still available. (and exactly what name did you THINK I was going to put in here? Hmm?) -Ivory came out with Terri. Lawler said that he just wants to Kat to have his "litter"... (do any of you realize that the Lawler is TWICE HER AGE???????? HER FATHER IS PROBABLY YOUNGER THAN HIM!!!!!!) -Ivory attacked Jacqueline from behind to get things going. Ross mentioned that three former WWF Women's champions were in this match. (Yeah, but the one who isn't used to hop on board a RUNNELS!! So things even out.) -After interfering several times, Terri ended up cornered by Jackie and the Kat. The Kat grabbed her by the hair and threw her out of the ring. Terri ran, Kat chased, Kat caught at top of ramp. They tussled. Kat's buttocks were hanging out. Lawler proclaimed his love for the WWF. The girls rolled down the ramp log style. Ross told Lawler that he should check them for "deep thigh bruising". (It's amazing that Gordon Solie's head hasn't exploded yet). -Ivory is working on Jackie. She went for a Bulldog, but Jackie slipped out of it. -Terri and the Kat were both tagged. Terri speared her. Cool. -Jackie and the Kat threw their opponents into each other. They went down. Jackie and the Kat stood over their opponents and "shook their booties" (hey Rena... F-You!) and dropped for a pair of pins. Terri and Ivory kick out. -The Kat bodyslams Terri and goes for the pin. Ivory drops and elbow and reverses things. Jackie drops and elbow and re-reverses things. The Ref makes the count while Ivory stands there wondering if Jackie Stallone would be open to funding a G.L.O.W revival. -Backstage, Road Dogg and X-Pac card reads good as they explain to Vince why they should get another tag title shot right now. X-Pac points out that last night was the first time he bled since the morning he woke up in a Hotel room after Nitro with his hands tied to the bed by a torn up old "Quote the Raven, Nevermore" T-shirt... and by God, it wasn't his head that was bleeding. -Vince said that the title shots would come in due time, but not tonight. Instead, X-Pac gets to redeem Stephanie's honor by fighting Chris Jericho instead. He had a "special mission" for Road Dogg. (oopsie... Vince run out of ‘roids?) -Stephanie kisses her Dad on then lips. I refuse to lower the touching Father/Daughter moment with a cheesy incest joke that I'm sure you are all waiting for. I think you are all sick, sick, little freaks. -commercials -X-Pac came to the ring with Torrie. The King of Rock Where? The King of Rock When? The King of Rock Why? And most importantly, the King of Rock How? -Right away, X-Pac gets in Earl Hebner's face and lectures him on how messing with the Pac will cost him some smack. Hebner stood his ground and said screwing with Earl will... will... GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!!! -Y2J ticker -Explosion -There he is. -Meanwhile, Lawler went on a rant about how Referee's were a dime a dozen (it's the tax that gets ya'). He even went do far as to say Ross could be a Referee. Ross quipped that If Lawler can be a Wrestler for 30 years, then he guessed he could try that. I only point this out because Lawler started wrestling AT THE AGE OF 25... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!! -Jericho had a mic with him, because he just ain't all that interesting without mic work. -He welcomed us to RAW is whatever RAW seems to become when he's on. (F-you) -He felt terrible for X-Pac for having to come out there defend the "integrity of a woman who has absolutely none." -As far as Stephanie is concerned, the word "honor" means "jump on her, and stay on her!!" (The man just described a rape... SOMEONE GET BOB RYDER TO WRITE ANOTHER SCATHING EXPOSE ON THE SEEMY SIDE TO THE WWF'S STORYLINES AND WHY WE SHOULD ALL BE WATCHING NITRO!!!!!! AND THEN GOING TO CHURCH IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE SHOW!!!!!!) -Jericho spelled out the word "honor" (must have gone to an AMERICAN school) and admitted that Stephanie is at least half of that, since she is a... hold on, let me go into last week's column and do a little cut and paste... even though I could have transcribed the entire thing already even as I write this word right here. Screw it, you watched the show, you know what he meant. -So, his point is that no amount of defending will ever (E-E-EVER) change the fact that Stephanie is a Ho. -You know, if I were a Black man, I'd be mighty ticked that Whitey stole the word "Ho" out of my people's lexicon. First they stole "dissed", then they stole our baggy pants, then they stole our music, now they stole "Ho". AND YOU WONDER WHY WE LET O.J. GO FREE?? YOU TRY BEING A BLACK MAN IN A WHITE MAN'S WORLD!!!!!!!!!! -No problem. It's all good. We'll just steal your white women!! Wazzzuup, Biaaatch? -The two men went at it. X-Pac took a break outside and ate a Baseball slide for his problems. They went back in, and X-Pac unloaded his "Educated feet" thing. -Jericho avoided the Bronco Buster -Jericho on the offensive. -Torrie grabbed his leg, and X-Pac took over. -But not for long as Jericho hit a classic flying clothesline. -Jericho with the Double Powerbomb. -Is it just me or has this crowd been ON FIRE tonight? -Jericho with the Reverse Backflip Frontal Rollover Bounce Belly Splash (kiss my ass). Torrie disrupted any sort of pin attempt. -Jericho drop-kicked Torrie out of the ring. -X-Pac with the Bronco Buster. His bandage was hanging open and he was bleeding again. -Pac got into it with Hebner and shoved him. Hebner shoved back and called for the bell. X-Pac was DQed and Jericho won (duuh) -Jericho put X-Pac in the Walls of His Namesake anyway. Road Dogg ran in. He nailed Jericho. Hebner nailed Road Dogg right back. A swarm of WWF referees ran out. I haven't seen so much black and white mashing together since the time my family had a faction of the Crips over to the house for Thanksgiving. Everybody got drunk... then naked... my Mom let "C-Blow" make a rather unique use of the Turkey leg. Dad, myself, a few Uncles and a few Cousins ended up bedding at the nearest Holiday Inn. We are not allowed to talk about it anymore. On the plus side, the Crips were so touched by our hospitality, we always got great deals on Crack scores. So everyone won. -The Rock is in the building. Well, he's outside, but he's on his way in. -commercials -The Rock comes to the ring. Now that Nitro has ended, Ross announces that Steve Austin is NOT scheduled to be on the show tonight. (OH THOSE NO GOOD INSINUATING BASTARDS!!!!! I SKIPPED THE LATEST EXCITING CHAPTER OF THE DAVID ARQUETTE SAGA ON FALSE PROMISES AND EMPTY DREAMS??????? eh... Arquette isn't exactly keeping us away from RAW in droves anyway) -The second hour has arrived. Believe it or not, it took me 6 hours to plow through the first hour. I fell asleep midway through and got a good two hour nap. I swear. -Rocky entered the ring and said that it was good to be in Baltimore again. Actually, he never... EVER... specifies whether it's GOOD to be anyplace, does he? -He announces that he's the new WWF champion. Oh? And I thought that thing on his shoulder was some sort of tumor. -He paid tribute to Austin for showing up the other night and proving that he is months away from any sort of comeback. -To the McMahon crew, he had something "short and brief" to say... "Shane, your role, know it! Triple H, your mouth, shut it! Vince, your Momma's anus, lick it! Stephanie, your dirty panties, wear it! (Shouldn't it be wear THEM? Shouldn't it be "short and sweet"? And isn't telling someone to have incestuous relations with their Mother pushing it ever so slightly?) -Whatever they had prepared for the Rock? Just bring it and get this damn thing over with. -The Crew come out in force. Ross sneered about what "Buttkissers Patterson and Brisco had become". Lawler had something he was ABOUT to say, but held back and went in a different direction. -Vince had a mic and re-stated that WWF history would be made, because the Rock is about to become the owner of the shortest WWF reign in History!!! (Well Gee, okay, maybe Jericho's title win two weeks ago didn't count, but what about the time when Bret Hart lost the title to Sid the night after he won it from... somebody... which touched off his big "This is BULLSHIT!!" rant? AND WHAT ABOUT YOKOZUNA'S THRITY SECOND REIGN BEFORE DECIDING TO HAND THE BELT TO HOGAN MERE MINUTES AFTER BEATING BRET HART??? THEN THERE'S THE TIME TED DIBIASE BOUGHT THE BELT OFF ANDRE THE GIANT!!!!!!! ARE WE IGNORING ALL HISTORY TONIGHT VINNIE MAC???) -of course, there was also the time Hogan was goofing around at a House show and let Brutus Beefcake pin him for the title. Nobody ever made any sort of reference to that. Would I LIE? Ask Scherer if you don't believe me. -Vince announced that Shane would be fighting the Rock for the title in the cage tonight. Both Shane and HHH were surprised. -Vince said that Shane did not have to make him submit, or even pin him. No, the only thing Shane needs to do in order to win tonight is... -Rousing chant of "SHANE'S A PUSSY". Loud enough so that even Lawler had to comment on it. -Of course, I thought they were chanting, "WHERE'S THE PUSSY?" How should I know? I'm too caught up in my little world. -Vince said, "Well, if you think he is... all I can say is tonight, he will be the new WWF champion!!" -Ross didn't like the gleam in Vince's eye. It's the gleam in Patterson's eye that gives ME the willies. -Ross didn't like how things smelled. He detected a set up. (You think?) -Rocky got back on the mic and said that this won't be the shortest reign ever, instead, this will be the longest night in Shane's candy assed life. He wrapped up. Ross predicted that he would be spending the last ten minutes of the show screaming, "THAT'S NOT RIGHT!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!!" -commercials -Backstage, HHH tells Shane that his beef with this is that the title belongs to him. Shane counters by saying that it at least goes back with the family. HHH said, "N-word please". -Edge and Christian come down from the aisle instead of through the crowd. Edge got on the stick and said that they do this now because they are just too big to go traipsing through the sea of humanity. -They would, however, give the fans 5 seconds worth of posing, for the benefit of those with cameras. Which they did. It was funny. -Ross said that they now remind him of Kurt Angle, who was in Los Angles attending the premiere of the movie "Gladiators" (It's GLADIATOR, numbhead. That one letter is the difference between a Summer blockbuster and the gayest of gay porn.) -Christian re-iterated their earlier challenge and called out any young, up and coming, fiery team in the back who wants their big break! -Rikishi came out with the Big Show dressed as Rikishi. Yes, I will follow the pack and say that his impression of Hulk Hogan Sunday was absolutely KILLER. I can't wait until he does a Ric Flair impression. -Show had a blonde wig and the Samoan "skirt". He took it off and yes, he was wearing that thong too. -He was introduced as "Showkishi" -It was quick. With the exception of a sharp drop-kick to Rikishi's face while he was sitting on the mat, it was all ‘ishis. -Then Edge took the ring bell just as Christian was about to be chokeslammed. He used it. The Ref called for the bell. The Time Keeper couldn't help. Lawler laughed that the bell was in the ring and called the Ref an idiot. They were DQed anyway. They were still sat on. No they weren't, they rolled out. -BUT, Road Dog and X-Pac ran out and attacked the Boys. They rolled the boys back in the ring and they ate ass anyway. Then they danced. Ross said that he didn't think they have ever seen a "Double Stinky face" before, then plugged the film "Gladiators"... hopelessly (and perhaps thankfully) unaware of the irony. -commercials. Are you ready for the new thrash/punk/rock band "P.O.D"? Did you know that they are very religious and refuse to bang their groupies? For those who thought "Stryper" burned out WAY before their time. -You KNOW rock has it a major stumbling block when the Smashing Pumpkins new CD hits the skids quickly. -Backstage, HHH bitches at his Wife about her Father's motivations. Stephanie would rather discuss her natural breasts. In five years, they'll be under her pits as soon as she lies down on her back. -Two members of the Baltimore Ravens are seen in the house. The irony here is that this RAW was booked at the last minute. Vince had originally booked the show in Cleveland, but decided that the Baltimore crowd would make him more money. So he told Cleveland to go F-themselves, and headed East with only hours to spare. Cleveland's always getting F-ed over. -Looks like the Afro is making a comeback. God help us. -Essa Rios came out with Lita. Lita was wearing Chyna's prom dress from last night. The prom dress is all torn and filled with holes... reminds me of the night I lost my cherry. -We see how Chyna ended up in her bra and panties. God DAMN that's a fine piece of lettuce. -Chyna and Eddie came out. Chyna didn't seem all that upset. Now that I mention it, Chyna doesn't seem all that into Eddie either. Eddie's selling his brains out but Chyna doesn't seem to be getting into it. None of these broads seem to get into it. IT'S CALLED ACTING!!!! IT'S CALLED YOUR JOB!!! GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PRETEND TO ENJOY WALLOWING IN THE GUTTER WITH THAT MEXO!!!!!! HEY CHYNA, WITHOUT THAT BODY AND THE 15 GRAND OF SURGERY YOU HAD... YOU AIN'T NO PRIZE EITHER KID!!!!! -Same thing with WCW's Torrie. But she's an idiot anyway. Dumber than a tree stump. -Meanwhile, Lita is an adorable girl. She is CUTE. -Chyna entered the ring, Lita exited. Eddie attacked. It was on. -Here you got'cha high flying, rapid fire, in your face action that WCW used to revel in back in the day. Ross referred to it as "Luche Libre style". Lawler said "Luche Libre? What's that?" Then he went on about the good old days when they could get away with the half an hour headlock. Alas, Lawler's idea of high flying is the Fistdrop off the second rope... that no good bastard Bill Dundee lost MANY a match because of that! -Essa Rios ended up outside. Where Chyna introduced him to her forearm. Then nailed him "deep in the crotch", according to Ross. -Eddie with the Swinging Neckbreaker, followed by a clean pin!?! -Afterwards, Chyna relieved Lita of the prom dress. Lita was down to her nasties. Looks like her bra ripped a little because she was holding her chest for dear life. -commercials -Backstage, Torrie "accidentally" spilled tea all over Earl Hebner. Reverse genders, replace "Tea" with "Beer", "Wine", or "Gasoline" and you've got every Objective at every Party I have ever been to in my LIFE -BURN, YOU BITCH!!! BURN!!! -Tazz came out. He got on the mic and criticized Chris Benoit for coming out every week with that dour "pus on is face like the world owed him something". (That's what you get when your Country uses Socialized medicine!). Tazz promised Benoit that he's going to "turn that frown upside down" (What? Who is this guy and what has he done with the real Tazz?). -Tazz invited Benoit to come on out and bring that bad mood because "the mood is about to change!" (This is the same guy who walked around with a "F**K This World" title belt?) -Benoit came out. Ross reminded us that Mick Foley will be on "Now and Again". Ross called him a "Retired WWF Superstar". The alternative name would be "Lazy Ass". -Benoit hits the ring and they start swinging. Tazz tried for one of those funky suplexes, but Benoit countered with a flurry of headbuts. Ross called them "aggressive Headbuts". I wonder what a "Submissive Headbut" looks like? -Tazz goes for the Suplex Deep Bridge Pin. Benoit kicked out. -They traded slaps/chops to the chest. Saturn came out just to stare. This gave Benoit the opportunity to hit Tazz with a Fisherman's Suplex and score the clean pin. Tazz went after Saturn. Hardcore Holly came out. Looked at them for a moment. Entered the ring and Suplexed Bombed Benoit. Then he jumped out of the ring and hit both Tazz and Saturn with a double flying clothesline. Hardcore Holly walked away leaving all three men down. -Hardcore Holly bitchslapped Chris Benoit, Saturn, and Tazz in one shot. That is almost criminal. -You know, if Tazz jobs out so cleanly one more time, Madden's gonna start writing columns about how he should have gone to WCW instead. Now who wants to see that? -Of course, if they crowned Tazz WWF champ the first day he debuted, Madden would STILL write a column about how he should have jumped to WCW. -Backstage, HHH intruded on a WWF Referee meeting held by Earl Hebner. He got in Hebner's face and stared at him. Earl stared right back, not even blinking. HHH walked away. Hebner is too cute. -commercials -Steve Austin gets another appearance on "Nash Bridges" this Friday. I hear they did the same thing with Austin that they did with Chris Reeve in that Investment Web Site commercial, (not to be outdone, SCOOPS will be putting Droz's head on someone else's body for THEIR commercial... read SCOOPS every day or Droz will NEVER WALK AGAIN!!!!!) -Michael Cole shows off his new Blonde streaked ‘do (FAG!!!) as he helps Crash Holly go off on a paranoid rant about how everybody is out to get him. Suddenly, Steve Blackman attacks him with a garbage can and we got us a match. -There was a moment when the two Football players tried to pin Crash and get the belt for themselves. Later today, Russo will go online and bitch at us for accepting this, but not accepting Arquette, (ahh Vinnie. Don't you realize that LINDA could become the hardcore champ and we wouldn't care? Do you realize just how UPHILL your battle is going to be?) -The match ended with Crash running away. Or maybe he pinned Blackman? Who remembers? -Backstage, the Rock is properly watered down and ready to close out the show. -commercials -HHH, Stephanie, and Vince come out. Shane follows them. Brisco and Patterson are behind him, wearing Referee shirts. -Ross, "Brisco and Patterson... Patterson's always bringing up the REAR!!!!" (oh that NASTY Okie... does Pat approve of this? Do they get along?) -Of course, Jimbo gets ready to spend the rest of the night being outraged over these stacked odds. Which, of course (part deux), usually means that we're in for a treat. Jimbo is at his best when the Baby Faces are outnumbered. -HHH gave Shane some advice in the ring as the ring is lowered. Ross wondered what must be going through the Rock's mind now, (my first guess would be electrical impulses?). -I catch a sign that reads, "PETER AND GARRETT ARE GAY!!" Well with names like those... DUUUH! -Boys should only have MANLY names... like "Joe", "Al", "Chip", "Frank", and of course "Chris". Not femmy names like, "Glenn", "Phil", "Rick", or "Christopher Robin". -The cage was lowered. Pat stayed in the cage and Brisco stayed out. -The Rock came out. He mouthed off a little at the folks outside, then entered the cage. -Pat had the bell rang. The opponents circled each other. -Patterson got in Rocky's way as Shane tried to run up the cage. Rocky grabbed in a nick of time. -Rocky went to work. He tossed the kid around some. -Patterson distracted Rocky again, Shane crawled halfway through the door. Vince grabbed his arms, Rocky grabbed his legs. Rocky won. -Vince ended up halfway in the ring. Rocky gave a few kicks to him. -Lawler asked Vince if he was okay. Ross suggested that he go check on him. Perhaps Vince is in need of "Mouth to Mouth or... or Lips to Ass? (now... of ALL the Cowboys in the vicinity at that time... who do YOU think would be doing the volunteering for that duty?) -Shane had some control, including a sweet flying elbow. -Here's a great moment! Vince was cheering on Shane. Ross said that this was "perfectly all right for a father to cheer on his boy, under the right circumstances!!" -Lawler asked Ross if he was jealous that he never had a son of his own? Then wondered if Ross didn't have enough male chromosomes in his body! -Ross, "We don't want to talk about Sons, now do we King?" -Lawler, "Look at... look at Shane!!" -Ross, "I didn't think so!" (BAM!!!!!) -who says that only Russo plays up to the smarts? -HHH produced what looked to be a Pool cue and started poking Rocky with it. (Reminds me of the ‘NAM!!!! THOSE DAMN VIETCONG THOUGHT THEY COULD BREAK ME!!!! THEY COULDN'T!!! I WILL NBEVERR SIGN THAT...THAT....) -Oh who am I kidding. I signed the paper the first day I was captured. I spent my time as a POW humping whores and eating Lobster! God Bless Ho Chi Mien!! DOWN WITH THE CAPITALIST DOGS!!!!!!!! KILL NIXON!!!!! -DDT on Shane. Rocky climbed the cage. HHH poked him with the stick again. Ross, "THAT AIN'T FAIR!!! THAT AIN'T RIGHT!!!" -Lawler, "I don't know, I didn't see it!!". Ross, "You don't KNOW!!!" -Rocky grabbed the stick himself. Lawler, "You're right, this isn't fair!!!" (Now THAT'S CRACKERJACK TIMING!!!! Madden can only DREAM of being this quick.) -Rocky ended up grabbing the stick and using it on Shane. Patterson broke kayfabe and said, "Me too, me too!!" -Lawler, "YOU CALL THAT FAIR? YOU CALL THAT RIGHT??" -Ross, "Why not? It's no disqualification." -Lawler, "Yeah, that's what I thought." -Rocky bounced the kid off the cage a few times. -Patterson gave Rocky a cheap shit. Ross called him an "old ghoul". -They start fighting on top of the cage. Rocky almost gets over the top. Patterson grabbed his leg. Rocky kicks him. Patterson grabs it again. -Patterson crotches Rocky. Rocky drops and straddles the ropes. -Ross, "A SHOT TO THE PEOPLE'S JEWELS!!! A DREAM COME TRUE FOR PATTERSON!!!!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -Pat tries to push Shane over the top of the cage, Shane was knocked out, yet sitting on top at the time. Ross pointed out that the fall would give Shane the win, but would also probably break his back. -Rocky woke up in time to give Patterson a Rock Bottom. -Shane was hanging on the outside of the cage. Rocky pulled him over and dropped him to the mat from the top of the cage. Bumps like that is why Shane can work ANY time he wants to. -Rocky delivers the People's Elbow. -He tried to get out the door, but Brisco slammed it on him. Rocky went down. HHH entered the cage and gave him a one armed beating. -Earl Hebner came out. Brisco tried to chase him away. Hebner shoved him into the cage. -HHH tried to get out of the cage. Earl slammed the door on him. Vince chased Earl. -Rocky bounced off the top rope and scaled out of the cage. He won the match and kept his title. -Ross, "YES, YES, YES, YES!!!" (I guess the caterers arrived) -The show ends with Rocky talking trash with Earl as the "Regime" tended to it's wounded. That was a great match. Top notch. Everything just clicked. The whole show was good, as 90% of all RAWs usually are. Speaking of clicking... click on over to Nitro. We're all busy people. Let's move along.