Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 5/4/98 I don't know if I said this last week..but you have to commend TNT for dedicating themselves to delivering as much NBA playoff action as much as humanly possible. So much so that they have no problems mucking around with their WAAAAAY profitable Monday Nitro show to give out the hoops. Whether you admire Ted Turner, or think of him as no better than Hitler himself, he does give the fans what they want....(just remember,,should they ever drop the Nitro replay..then Hyatte would be in DEEP doo-doo). Okay, with that said... NITRO (or So you want Extreme eh? We'll give you pre-cut tables up the whazoo!!) -Note..Nitro started at 7:00 pm tonight. -Footage from last week's show where Nash and Savage introduced Konan (Looks like K-DAWG rides again!!!!) as the newest member of the Wolfpack...I'm sure you were just as excited as I was. -opening theme. -Tony welcomes us to Indiana with all fury of a man who just saw last week's RAW ratings. -The Nitro Girls do that thingy they do with their bodies...some would call it dancing. -Tony informs us that the BURNING QUESTION of the week was...."Where are the donuts, DAMMIT?" -Well no..not really...but I'm sure it wasn't too far from his thoughts. Truthfully, the real BURNING QUESTION of the week was NOT "Why Bret? Why?. No, THIS week the Bret question was defeated by , "Who's going with Hogan? Who's going with Nash?" (good luck little question..I hope you have a long title run). -Footage from last week's show where Nash and Savage introduced Konan (Looks like K-DAWG rides again!!!) as the newest member of the Wolfpack...I'm sure you were just as excited as I was. -Ever get a really bad case of deja vu? -Eddie and Chavo Guerrero came to the ring for the first match of the night. In thge ring, Eddie grabbed the mic and said that he was going to set an example tonight to Chavo and show how he was the best pound for pound wrestler in WCW. The fans treated him to an especially loud version of "EDDIE SUCKS". -After selling the outrage, Eddie said that his opponent that night would be Scott Norton...apparently because he was seen backstage in "La La Land". So he called out backstage and told Norton to get his "finger out of his mouth" (Hey Pal..that ain't no FINGER!!) and get his fat ass out there....needless to say.. -Norton obliged..with a smirk on his face...(obvoiusly, that thing Eddie mistook for his finger tasted mighty good). -Tenay surmised that he never heard of the phrase "La La land"...Tony laughed, knowing full well where "La La Land" is....(I'll give you a hint...it ain't between Eric's lips and gums). Hell, Tony has a time share condo in "La La Land"...he shares it with Sting. -anywhoo....with THAT subject thoroughly bled dry..Norton is about to rip into Eddie something fierce when... -Eddie suddenly grabbed his knee and fell out of the ring....do you really need me to fill in the blanks here? Really? REALLY???? -okay then....Eddie couldn't wrestle and made Chavo get in their and clean house....Chavo tried, but Norton's tongue was firmly sticking out of his mouth...so you knew that he was ON!!!!!!!!!!! -Of course...Norton wasted the kid....(if he didn't, Benoit would have been RIPPED!!!). For some odd reason, the Ultimo Dragon came out and made mean faces at eddie...not that we could see him do it, I mean he was wearing a mask...but you got the feeling that he was making faces. -commercials -Fresh from his run in the WWF, Scott Putski made his Nitro debut. Now, Scott really didn't make much of an impression in the WWF, so maybe THIS was the place where he could really KICK OUT THE JAMS AND TEAR WRESTLING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -then again...maybe not. After a few minutes in there with Kidman, Kevin Nash, Randy Savage, and K-Dawg..(I know what you're looking for here with K-Dawg...I need to eaaase into it)hit the ring and promptly Jacknifed Putski out of his loafers....alas, Dillenger must have been praying to his Dark Father, because he didn't show up to arrest him. Kidman wisely took off to find a dark corner to shoot up. -by the way...during all this and for the second time tonight, Tony pondered the newly crowned BURNING QUESTION "Who's going with Hogan? Who's going with Nash?" -Ever the sucker for new fashion, Tenay MARVELED over the new shirts that the Wolfpack was wearing...they still had the NWO print..but it was colored RED instead of WHITE...(Red just goes SO well with this year's summer ensemble...Madison Avenue is simply pulling their HAIR out!!! (God do I feel gay). -So, Nash grabbed the mic and immediately gave a "Shot Out" (uggh...I wouldn't mind seeing whoever made THAT phrase up get a visit from Charleton Heston one night...so long as Chuck was all boozed up and packing heat) to Scott Hall...according to Nash.."Hogan and Bischoff decided that my partner's just too dangerous for live TV." (For a split second..I thought Nash was going to say that Hall was fired...he didn't, but I had a massive Spittake all loaded, ready, and my doggy target was locked in...damn). -It went a while...after Nash went on a bit longer, Savage talked for a bit... -then Nash introduced another member of the Wolfpack and called him out..the NWO music came on and... -Curt Hennig his own damn self came out...(WHEEWW..for a second there, I thought Vincent would show up). -Curt was still wearing the white NWO shirt...Tenay jumped at it and said, "Somebody tell Curt that he's out of style!" (See? SEE??? I told you Tenay was all into that!) -Before he could hit the ring, Brian Adams ran out and tried to stop Hennig from making the jump. Hennig reminded Adams that unlike him, he didn't have to worry about violating any parole..and he could go anywhere he damn well pleased. Adams argued some more, but Hennig just said "I know what I'm doing" and joined his new group. Adams looked "Crushed"...to say the least. -oh, it didn't end there though...because after Henning took off his whites to reveal some reds underneath..K-Dumb grabbed the mic and said that Adams wasn't "bouty bouty" (?????) and called him "Hogan's mascot" (in other words..now Adams had the job of painting Hogan's cheeks black...a job Konan used to have). In the end, Adams was challenged to a match with Pancho. -Hey? Why are they showing Pearl Jam's video "Jeremy"???? -oh..no..they aren't..it's another video thingamasachono with Raven. "Raven spoke in...class todaaaaaay. Nobody had a friggin' clue....of what he tried to saaaaaaay" -commercials -As if Tony was sending me a personal message for his vote for worst ego...he said that no one is more "conceited" or more of a "jerk in this sport" as Chris Jericho.....(you see..we are supposed to HATE Jericho!! He's a HEEL FOR GOD'S SAKES!!! WHY DON'T YOU MORONS HATE HIM???) -They showed a clip of Jericho's trash talking of Dean Malenko from last week. -The Jericho ran to the ring with Malenko's picture. First he took a pro-Jericho sign from a fan, tore it up, and yelled at the fan not to patronize him...the fan..(who looked like he was going to have a long, happy career in the Janitorial Industry), quickly called Jericho a "Loser". -He didn't have a tri-pod, so he made announcer David (I don't get paid for this crap) Pinzer to hold it. In a more brutal interview than usual..Jericho showed clips from a few years ago of Malenko talking about his late father. Then Jericho started in on how Malenko was embarrassing his good father's name. He even claimed that Malenko was handed the "Man of 1000 holds" gimmick by WCW because he was too darn boring. He really trashed the man...(Think he'll keep this up for...oh the next 18 MONTHS???). -Then Jericho topped it off by bringing out his next opponent..the "Man of 1 Hold", Mr. Bore-Us Malenko!!! -Out came this skinny ass guy dressed as Malenko and doing some of his wrist mannerisms. Tony was in damn near tears in disgust and said that he didn't even want to call this thing..(and why NOT! He hasn't called any match in the last two years...WHY STOP NOW???). -and of course...Jericho toyed with the guy, then wrapped him up awfully fast...(How fast? Tony was only able to get 5 HYPES IN before Jericho won) -commercials -The Nitro Girls worked with their seats in the ring....err..that is to say that they worked WITH seats...chairs....you perverts. Suddenly, we glimpse Alex Wright jump in the ring and dance with them. It didn't take long for the black shadow of DILLENGER to lead the charge to end this fun. -Hogan wasn't in the building tonight, but WCW knew that we are DESPERATE FOR A FIX OF MR. COPPERTONE!!! (deep down, Bischoff felt that we were just desperate for a fix of HIM), so they threw in a clip from last week where he talked and talked...it's all the same with him anyway. -Hugh Morrus and the Barbarian came to the with Jimmy Hart with all sorts of plastic junk. The Public Enemy came out with the obligatory table. This was going to be a street fight match...(If Tony had called it an "Indianapolis Street Fight"..I would have quit the Mop-Up and have joined the "Moonies"...or even worse...the LIBERALS!!!) -Lucky for me..Tony made no such claim. Now the way I see it, just in case ANYONE thought to watch the ECW PPV from Sunday night, I think this was Bischoff's way of saying, "Hell..WCW is just as CRAZY as ECW..just watch this!!" -interesting side note...WCW's Hotline gave up all the results from "Wrestlepalooza"....that's funny huh? Plus they have noted ECW advocate Bob (Wrestling News on the Internet is supposed to be SERIOUS...DAMMIT!!) Ryder doing a Hotline report on Mondays. Hmm. -The problem is that the WCW won't go all the way. How can a PLASTIC waste basket (not even a full barrel) hurt? Or how can a piece of nylon rope? Or how about a plastic tray? Hell, they even cut off the handles from the garbage lids..just in case Rocco Rock got a boo boo. ANYONE who has ever seen 1 ECW match couldn't be that impressed...it must have been for the kids and I am just too damn jaded. -But GEEZE...Jimmy Hart even wrestled..and he DIDN'T TAKE OFF HIS SHADES!!! -You gotta give credit to the Barbarian though...he had Rocco Rock on a table on the outside, mounted the top rope, and gave a beautiful Elbowsmash off the top rope to the outside. Rock moved though, so Barvarian cremed himself on the table. (pre-cut from the bottom..of course...Hell, the top didn't even break). -Grunge ended up pinning Hart...and those glasses didn't come off once. Oy Vey! -Meano Geno was his namo..and he brought out Brian (Call me Crush and I'll show you what "Jailhouse Love" is ALL about) Adams. Instead of breaking into a heart rendering version of "All for Love", Brian Adams just made it loud and clear that he has moved on from investigating Faarooq's "nether regions" to digging in and nesting into Hogan's. And yes..to delight both of his fans...(the rest are still in the pokey) he WILL be fighting K-Dawg tonight...(yippee). -By the way...when the audience booed him, Adams killed me with this, "Go out and get yourselves a nice warm cup of SHUT THE HELL UP." (DAMN!! I laughed for a good 5 minutes...that baby RULED). -and oh yes...Adams threatened Okerlund and called him baldy...I'm starting to like the guy. -video thingy with Booker T and Benoit. Not ONCE did they mention the numerous title changes that these two had over the weekend. You know..that's what is wrong with WCW. They have the TELEVISION title change hands 3 or 4 times in four days in NON TELEVISED matches...then they don't TELL us about it! It's just another example of the odd booking style of everyone's favorite Uncle. -commercials -Bobby Heenan joined the party as we busted into the second hour. -Footage from last week's Nitro with Bret Hart. -second hour fireworks doth arrive. -Saturn came to the ring with Kidman to take on Hammer. In the ring, Kidman announced that this would be a "Loser Leaves the Flock" match and nobody was to interfere. I'm sure that there is a perfectly good explanation as to why Hammer is fighting Saturn...but damned if I know, and damned if I care. -Hammer fought like a man who's contract had expired and Bischoff wasn't feeling too generous. Saturn fought like a man smack dab in the middle of a nice contract....figure it out. -we see Raven and his Flock watching the match from the comfort of their own locker room....the camera smartly avoids their Heroin stash on a nearby table....(but I saw it....oh yes...). -suddenly..some "fan" came out of nowhere and creamed both of them with a tray full of beverages (no beer of course). Both men went down, but Hammer was able to score the pin. (this was another "ECW style" match by the way). -Well...Raven did not take to these proceedings like a happy camper..he started to go to the ring to hand out some DDTs...but he was cut off by DDP who whacked everyone with a Stop Sign (Reese was nice enough to patiently hold his head steady for the shot). Page then grabbed Raven and led him around the backstage, throwing him into the steel garage door a couple of times. -Then Page wrapped a bullrope around Raven's neck, dragged him to the ring (but not before doing the Bang at the top of the entrance..with the explosions going off ALMOST as if this carefully orchestrated spontanious moment was actually PLANNED.......naaww...no way...couldn't happen). -It ended with Page actually HANGING Raven by the bullrope over the top rope...(Somewhere in Philly...Paul Heyman saw this and started to scream..."IF THEY EVER TRY TO HANDCUFF RAVEN TO A MOTHER$#@%^&^ CAGE AND HAVING THE OLD MAN CHAIR HIM IN THE F&^%$^%*& HEAD, THEN I WILL PERSONALLY GO DOWN TO ATLANTA WITH SOME MUTHA*&^%$^% DYNOMITE STRAPPED TO MY F&*^%$ CHEST AND BLOW UP THAT BISCHOFF CO%*&^%^S#!$^(*&@$ poor Paul...there went the last of his hair.) -commercials -Jeezuz?? What is this? The Flock hour? Sick Boy and Horace Boulder came to the ring...(I don't care if they EVER say that Boulder is Hogan's nephew....not one bit). Juventud "Surrender My ASS!" Guerrera came out to jam with Sicko..and so they did... -Until Horseass came into the ring and started to wail on poor Juvee. Guererra fought valiently, but then Reese came in there and really squeezed out some Juveejuice. -All of the sudden, and quite inexplicably, GOLDBERG came out and saved the day...mostly by giving Reese the Jackhammer. Heenan squealed like a virgin on prom night as Goldberg cleaned house...("Hey, I may not be wrestling tonight..but DAMMIT!! I GET THE F#&*^%^ RATINGS!!!!!!!!! Who cares why he's out there...Bischoff just screamed "GO, GO!!") -commercials -Mean Gene brought out Rick Steiner for a chat. Ricky wasn't in the mood to talk it up though..instead he wanted his BRUDDA....NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Let's finish this before we remember that we are in WCW and this angle still has MONTHS to drag!!! -Out come Scott Steiner with a pair of crutches. He blubbered over how hthe family doesn't talk to him the same way anymore, and how the Bagwell thing got him very upset. He told Rick that he was sorry about all of the mess he made (He said, "HULK Hogan don't mean nothin' to me. The whole NWO don't mean nothin' to me." After all this, Bischoff gave him a well earned cup of coffee in his face for having DARED call Hogan "Hulk". Unfortunately, no one corrected his grammar....alas..another tragic victim of an unfeeling world) -Ricky hesitated...but Scott brought out some water works and put on a respectable show of tears. Ever the sucker, Gene fell right for it and started to harrass Rick into taking his brother back...finally, he did it....all seemed right in the world when suddenly.... -suddenly nothing..they took off peacefully. This is WCW....families COUNT!! -HA! Got'cha! Brian Adams showed up and dropped Ricky with a baseball bat. Then he gave him a shoulder breaker and started to hit him with Scott's crutch. Scott kept screaming "DO IT AGAIN!". Tony was so SICKENED BY THIS..that he needed to break for some jelly donuts (well..he was planning on raiding the donut table anyway)...so he sent us off to some... -commercials -Brian Adams came to the ring...AGAIN!!! Even he had a look on his face that said, "What the Hell? Why am I getting so much airtime tonight?? Who did I blow during that drunken night in Norfolk last week? -K-DIK came to the ring to jam..so they did for a while.... -Then Bret Hart came out and slammed Konan against the guard rail...he took off smiling...(He's supposed to be Sheriff?!? WHO POLICES THE POLICE??? WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN????) -Kevin Nash came out and Jacknifed Adams....(when was this move brought back into WCW? WHERE IS JJ DILLON TO ARREST NASH? WHO POLICES THE.....aww screw it). The Wolfpack celebrated right into some more... -commercials
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