Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 5/4/98 . . . The final stretch -The Nitro Girls. Kimberly blew us a kiss....(LOWER DAMMIT!!!!) -clip of another Nitro Party....F-'em -Before they go to some... -commercials... -they first show Fit Finely coming to the ring...(oooh BABY...if the sight of ol' FIT doesn't make you come back to NITRO...THEN NOTHING WILL BABY!!!!!), THEN they went to some... -commercials -Sooo...Mr. Finely fancies himself a tough guy eh? Well, he'd better be, 'cause he's taking on Heat seeker from Harlem by way of Alabama by the name of BOOKER T!!!. -hmmm...a fat white boy from Ireland with bleached blond hair taking on a trim, muscular black man from Harlem (by way of Alabama) with no such dye in his hair....could this be Bischoff's subtle cry for Global Unity?.....(so long as Vince McMahon is crucified on a big Oak tree first.....of course). -By the way..Tony cheerfully announced that our long suffering is OVER and Nitro will be back to a 3 HOUR FORMAT IN IT'S USUAL TIME NEXT WEEK!!!!! He practically apoligized to us for having to sit through two weeks of RAW. He also pretty much guarenteed that next week WOULD HAVE BEEN the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! -were it not for the fact that TONIGHT'S show was unquestionably already the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! -and by the way...Tenay reminded us that there was no THUNDER this week....does anyone really care? -anywhoo, the match moved around smoothly...until Chris Benoit came out and glared at Booker for a bit...(maybe he got confused and forgot that he wasn't champ anymore). Apparently...a glare from Benoit is enough to hypnotize Booker long enough for Fit Finely to sneak up behind him and hit him with a Tombstone Piledriver. Finely gets the pin and the TV TITLE???????????????????????????????? WHAT??????? -????????????????????????????????????????????????? -???????????????????????????????????????????????? -geeze...what are they up to anyway? -So, what did we learn? Well, Finely/Booker may have been a subtle cry for Global Unity....but Benoit ruined the whole thing...so maybe Bischoff is trying to tell us that there will never be world peace so long as CANADA IS AROUND!!!!!!!!!!! (I, for one, knew that all along). -commercials -Michael Buffer...yadda yadda yadda -Nash came out with Savage and Konan....but no Hennig (must'a hit the bars a wee bit early). -Luger came out alone...looking nervous at these odds. -The match began..... -the match ended with the Wolfpack interference. Sting and the Giant came out and the six man dance was on.. -Brian Adams came out....AF'K'NGAIN????????? This time, Bret Hart cut him off at the pass and told him not to go out. -Not exactly the brain surgeon...Adams needed the explanation that the Wolfpack fighting WCW was GOOD for Hogan's camp. Adams chewed that over, then finally got it. So he and Bret smiled at the warfare as Tony coughed out the last ounce of voice he had left and said goodbye. Well, certainly a more violent offering. And during the FAMILY HOUR NO LESS!!!!!!. There were good points....(Raven/Page). there were bad points..(FIT FRIGGIN' FINELY? More Brian Adams than any man deserves to take??). Not bad, not good...RAW wins..end of story. Closer time..get to it. Well it's Spring again. Out with the old and in with the new! This is especially true with Hollywood. As networks ponder the fates of their television shows, an influx of brand new shows come out and try to get picked up for airing. Seeing this lucrative opportunity, professional wrestling has entered the fray. Several well known names are pitching the networks for numerous show ideas. Leave it to Hyatte to get a sneak peek at what our boys are hoping will be coming to a small screen near you this Fall....(note..a few guys have attached themselves to more than one show...better odds I guess...). Some of these have little capsule summaries....others need no such summaries, they are pretty self-explanatory: -"Cooking with Dusty" -"Vinny's Angels": Join Sable, Sunny, and Marlena and the mysterious Vinny..(whose face is covered in shadow, so that we never see more than his hairpiece) as they solve crime, bicker over whose body cost more, and come against the evil duo known as Chyna and Luna. -"The King and I". Join Jerry "the King" Lawler in an hour drama/thrillride as he avoids the law, avoids the parents of his 13 year old girlfriend, and continues his search for the egnimatic "Larry Burton". -"Reading Rainbow with Dusty" -"What About Me? with Raven" Join disallusioned youth/game show sensation Raven as he gives away thousands in cash and prizes to contestants who can answer the burning question, "What About Me?" Including a "Lightening Round" where the contestants have only 30 seconds to decipher a Raven "notable quoteable". -"Meet the Champs" Political round table starring Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, the Ultimate Warrior, and Bruno Sammartino as they discuss various ways Vince McMahon screwed them over. Hosted Eric Bischoff. -"Steveass and McButthead". -"All in the Familia". Follow the zany adventures of the largest global criminal organization in Mexico. Starring Villano DiCaprio -"Unsolved Mysteries '98" A fascinating search for answers such as, The career of Bischoff, the roaming hairline of Vince McMahon, Ric Flair's original Hair Color, Did Hogan sell his soul to the Devil? The mysterious gender of Chyna? and What's the Hell happened to the Bulldog? -"DX Files" Join HBK, HHH, and XPac as they probe the mysterious disappearence of their "brothers" Hall and Nash, who have been "abducted" some time ago by a mysterious man known only as "Uncle Eric". -"Sing-a-Long with Dusty" -"The Imposter". Join Steve Austin as he continues his hunt for Goldberg, the man who stole his identity. Guest starring Kendall Windham. -"The Fugitive". Tense thriller starring Ric Flair as a man hunted by the evil force of Uncle Eric and his army of demon lawyers. -"Know Your Role" Whacky new game show hosted by the Rock. -"The Crow: the Series" starring Sting, naturally. -"Due South" Remake of the adventures of a Canadian Sheriff trying to keep the peace in the face of dirty Americans bastards. Starring Bret Hart. -"Planet Flab". One hour drama depicting a world where steriods have been all but eliminated. Join Lex Luger, Scott Steiner, Buff Bagwell, the Ultimate Warrior, and High Voltage as they desperately try to stay in shape without any anabolic assistance. -"Renegade: The Series" Starring the Renegade. With "Desperado" Joe Gomez as "Ortega". -"La Femme Nikita" Tragic drama about a Russian man who comes to grips with his latent homosexuality. Starts to dress as a woman. Starring Nikita Koloff. With Eric Bischoff as "Tomboy". -"My Three Personalities" starring Mick Foley. With Terry Funk as "Uncle Charlie". -"An Hour with God" starring Hulk Hogan. -"Masterpiece Theater" starring Dusty Rhodes, Ahmed Johnson, the Ultimate Warrior, Scott Norton, the Steiner Brothers, and Meng. -"Thunder in Paradise" starring Hulk Hogan. A tense action vehi......aww forget it..it would never fly. -"Tag Team". A buddy cop action/comedy/drama starring Jesse Ventura and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.......aww, that won't work either. -"The REAL News" anchored by Eric Bischoff, with investigative reports from Gene Okerlund. Their slogan is, "All The News That We Feel You Should Hear!" -And finally, "The Late, Late, Late Show with Faarooq"...ONLY for BET. Whew..that's quite enough dont'cha think? Now, the column doth endeth and Hyatte is off to stare at the wall for the next 6 days. Vote for the biggest Ego, then go on with your lives. Me, I'm gonna go enjoy myself a warm cup of SHUT THE HELL UP.......heeheeheehee. This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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