Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 5/4/98 "Why can't you just give the stories how they are and not adlib. If we wanted some adlib I would call a talk radio show. All the fans want to know is what happened, not what you think about it. The name of the column is Wrap-Up not gossip. Why don't change the name to My 'Whatever I wanna Say don't count, because I am ignorant and don't care about improving myself' RAW Goss-up. It wouldn't be so bad if you acted like an adult and told things how they really are. Maybe I'll do a Mop-Up/Wrap-up/Goss Up/Tidbits/Rewrite/???????????? and show you how an adult is suppose to give someone the lowdown on what happened." Ryan Hawk: Hawk05109@email.terra.cc.oh.us Mop-Up reader, great communicator, and someone who knows EXACTLY what you people want. Welcome to Romper Room! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up, a little slap 'n' tickle to help you along this long road called life. Think of it as a little therapy for your soul, free of charge. Got'cha chunky ass opening notes right here, and a REAL chunky closer that's loaded with fun at the bottom of the Nitro recap. You simply must check it out...it's a good one. Do yourselves a favor and tape HOMICIDE this Friday at ten o'clock on your local NBC station...you have to trust me on this one...YOU WILL BE BLOWN AWAY. Hyatte has NEVER steered you wrong kids...this is some good stuff going down on Friday. Do me a solid and click on over to the Arena section of SCOOPS and check out last week's closer at the bottom of the RAW Mop-Up. Go read and/or re-read it...I'll wait. Still waiting....GET YOUR TAILS OVER THERE!!! Okay, so you know that we got a little poll running here. A quick update, so far two folks are running damn near neck and neck for the lead. What's really interesting is the horserace for third and fourth place! The top two guys are pretty obvious candidates, but from then on..it's a real shocker...I'll think you'll be surprised. I'll have all the results next week, but first, I want to make a couple of quick points...DO NOT BLOW THIS OFF!!! It goes with the poll.. 1) It is not a poll for best ICON..it's a poll for biggest EGO. So don't vote for ICON. 2) You could vote for ANYONE YOU WISH...not just the folks I listed. So, with that in mind, I thought I would add a few more names to the list..for your consideration..remember, if you need a refresher, I listed a whole ton of folks with sizable chips on their shoulders in last week's RAW closer...but some more names.. 1) Ultimate Warrior: The biggest joke was NOT that the man whose moves consist of a clothesline, a shoulder tackle, a belly smash, a gorilla slam, rope shaking, and sticking needles filled with horse piddle in his body had the stones to open a wrestling school...it was that he BLAMED MCMAHON WHEN IT FAILED. 2) Roddy Piper. Currently enjoying the sweetest deal in WCW (or wrestling for that matter) history. His jokes are older than dirt, his skills make Hogan look like Malenko, he wears MAKEUP to the ring. And his finisher is the SLEEPER. The guy is caught in a time loop...he believes that he is re-living 1984 over and over and over. I'm still waiting for his Michael Jackson's white glove joke. 3) Ahmed Johnson. Let me get this straight. Most of his WWF career was spent injured. He gives Owen Hart a concussion with a bad spot, his weight fluctuates between chubby and Sandman-ish. The WWF gives him countless second chances...THEN he walks out after refusing to help put the Interrogater over? If that isn't an ego..then I don't know what is. 4) Sunny. She thinks she's all that and a pair of gel caps. Not very popular backstage. Still, she was the only thing on this planet that could make the Godwinns semi-interesting. Okay, Between last week's list and this one..I just about covered everyone. Remember, whether you have written to me before or not...PLEASE VOTE. It doesn't work unless everyone voices an opinion. Unless someone asks me a direct question, I won't write back...just type down your vote and send it in. By the way, there are some longtime Mop-Up readers/writers who haven't registered yet...where are you Chappa? Simpson? Mueller? Let's go!! That's it. Now let's get right to the shenanigans. Poking our noses in the residue of sweaty locker rooms and inhaling deeply, it's time to take a good hard look at this sport, this night, and our lives in general....(oh God...one peek and I already need to drink). With all the giddiness of an college freshman taking her first hit off the bong, let's get the show on the road kids...busy night ahead and I'm already tired and cranky...it's gonna be a long one. RAW IS WAR (or Salami slipping and Bologna burying) -opens with video footage of the recent Vince/Austin nonsense pretty good video at that -opening theme -Jim Ross (who rules) and Michael Kole (who....doesn't) welcome us to the big dance in Richmond Virginia. -Right off the bat, out comes Dude Love......or maybe...NOT (baa-dum-DUM DUM DUUUM). -Whoever the Hell it was who came out, it looked a lot like Mick Foley...but this was a "Love Shack" segment? WHAT GIVES DAMMIT??????????????????????????? -oh please Hyatte..as if you really care. -well I do! -yeah right....loser. -MOM? How did you invade my subconscious?? Get outta here dammit! -ahem..anyway...sorry about that...So Mick Foley came out and said that he didn't know his name anymore..but he did know that he beat Steve Austin two weeks ago...and was angry that he didn't get a rematch with Austin. Then he trashed Goldust a bit (eeeeasy killer....you don't mess with a guy with "FU" painted on his face..you just don't). He was holding on to his Dude Love clothes by the way... -After announcing that Vince had scheduled him in a match with Terry Funk that night, Foley had some points to make.. 1) He'll be DAMNED if he's gonna insert point A (his tongue) into slot B (Vince's fudge factory) 2) He'll be DAMNED if he's gonna let his wife and kids see him "bump and grind" with some second rate strippers on national TV. (whaaa? When did Vince hire the Nitro Girls?). 3) He'll be DAMNED if he's gonna wear his Dude Love crap ever again. (He held on to his Mankind garb though). Then he called out Vince McMahon...and even referred to himself as Cactus Jack again for some odd reason. -So out came Vincent K. (Why are there bird eggs in my coiffure?) McMahon. Foley threw the Dude Love garb at Vince and said that he would never dress up as a horse's ass again..(again note: No sign of the Mankind gear). -Vince was quite preturbed at Foley's attitude...and proceeded to explain to him that he didn't get the job done at Unforgiven and the WWF champ was still "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...(gotta give Vince credit for the subtle face he made as he said that sentence...Bischoff would have pretended to throw up has he been called upon to say it). -Vince then said that when Goldust got the title match last week, all Foley did was "kvetch, bitch, and whine" (just like everyone else who has to sit through a Goldust match). -Vince turned it around and said that Foley's match was NOT a punishment, but as a reward. Y'see...if Foley not only beats Funk..beat beats him within an inch of his life, if he tears him LIMB from LIMB...IF HE REACHES INTO HIS CHEST (his words, not mine..and Vince was yelling at the time too) AND PULLS OUT HIS HEART AND HOLDS IT UP IN THE AIR WITH ALL THE BLOOD RUNNING DOWN HIS ARM...(somewhere in California..Barry Diller sat bolt upright after hearing that and immediately got on the phone the the USA Network....heart yanking will NOT be tolerated on his network! -The gist of this was that if Foley could beat Funk, then he would be the #1 contender for the title. Then he slapped Foley across the face. T'was quite the peptalk. -Then that dirty old stinky pants Steve Austin came out. After chasing McMahon a bit, he proceeded to tear down the Love Shack set (few cried, many cheered....I ran out of beer...I cried). Kole tried to symbolize Austin's set destruction by screaming (dare I say he...KVETCHED?) that Austin was wrecking the foundation that Vince just laid out.....me, I just thought Stevo was feeling rowdy. Eventually, Austin stormed away...Vince was holding the timekeeper's bell for some reason. -commercials -Owen Hart and the Rock came to the ring. After showing.. -footage of last week's thing with Owen and Shamrock... -the announcers explained that Owen was now a member of the "Nation"(Domination was taken away...I guess it was too..."ethnic"). I wish that Owen could have said something....try to explain himself at least...but alas....t'was not to be. -Commissoner Slaughter made the rest of the Nation leave the ringside area...apparently, they were looking for a clean match with no screwjobs..(HOW DARE THEY!!! WE NEED OUR SCREWJOBS!!!!!) -Isn't it funny that the main reason why Faarooq was kicked off the Nation was because the Rock wanted full control? Now they are saying that Owen is part leader of the Nation? BOY O BOY....I SMELL CONFLICT! TROUBLE A'BREWIN! (God I feel like an idiot). -Faarooq and Steve Blackman (who's caught up in TWO seperate angles!!! Not bad for a guy who is barely over) hit the ring..the match is on.. -and it's a good match at THAT! Very good! Fast paced, plenty of action, what more could you want? -In the end though...Blackman's two worlds slammed into each other and Jeff Jarrett showed up and dropped the Karate Kid on his neck..(come to think of it..I haven't seen Ralph Macchio around lately...COULD IT BE?????...oh of course not). Owen scored the pin and the win. -By the way..Kole insisted that Owen was ABANDONED by his "family" in the WWF......(why the Hell would you lie to us like that Michael? Why Michael? Why?) -A video spot dealing with the wrestling history of Gerald Brisco, and the great service that he has done for the WWF over the years..Hell, Vince even voiced over a plug for Jack Brisco's Auto Body Repair Shop! At the end of the piece, Gerald and his family were sitting at in a room. Gerald said that he owes everything he has ever gotten in this stinking world to one man. He publically thanked that man tonight, calling him the "finest man I've ever met in my entire life! The Owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. McMahon. Thank you very much." (Call me crazy..but since I didn't even see that sucker coming, for some reason, it caused a "spitdrool"..not a full fledged SPITTAKE...but I had to laugh...and there went my last drop of beer.) -commercials -spot for a new wrestler...or maybe a Calvin Klein commercial..I can't tell........hold on...wait a second.......Oh My God!! -HOLY SH&%!!!!!!!! IT'S JERICHO!! JERICHO WAS PROMOED ON RAW!!!!!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!! IT WAS THE COUP OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -oh...wait a sec...that guy ain't Jericho!! Sorry 'bout that. I guess we have just seen our first full glimpse of Adam Copeland....long blonde hair, good looks, a leg crosser if I ever saw one....rat bastard..I hate him already! -DX comes to the ring...it takes a year. -HHH tells us to get ready to suck it, (Michael Buffer's people are heating up the lawsuit papers) then makes a remark about his "weed whacker"..or "whacking his weed"(..or something that he will probably be forbidden to say once Mr. Val Venis gets there) THAT takes a year. -Road Dog and Bad Ass brag about the hurting they will put to the DOA tonight..that takes a year TOO. -Then the LOD 2000 come out with Sunny. Hawk has a mic in hand and says, "Hey DX! You know, the five of you remind me of five dingleberries clumped together, pulled right out of the sweaty crack of some old man's BUTT" (Geeze..kinda...sorta...doesn't leave much for the imagination does it?). -Hawk pointed out that if Billy Gunn was really "Mr. Ass", then Road Dog must be "Mr. Hole". (eh....should've quit while you were ahead Hawk). He called HHH "Mr. Nose" (uggh). Then he called Chyna, "Just plain Mr." (way to finish strongly Hawk..good one). -Hawk then challenged DX to turn the 4 man title match into a 8 man NON title match (see the problem there? If you didn't, Ross and Kole made sure that you did). XPac said to bring it on. -Then Animal grabbed the mic, and called XPac "XLax" (All right..how many folks expected to hear that one before the Millenium? Show of hands..how many saw that coming a mile away? Put them down you idiots...I can't see you! Besides, everyone's looking at you right now!). Animal personally made sure that XPac understood that they wanted his "scrawny ass" in the ring. XPac told them to look "right here" (oh take a wild guess where....you've been at this long enough dammit..what? I gotta tell you EVERYTHING??? NOBODY ELSE TELLS YOU EVERYTHING!!!!!! WHY SHOULD I? In fact, you know...screw it..I'm going to bed, I'm tired. Read the Nitro recap and the closer...goodnight................ - - - -still there? aw Hell...since I'm up anyway...I guess I'll finish things. XPac pointed to his crotch...okay? Hawk commented that it was too small to see, (Lord knows I'm right there with ya brot.....wait a second....forget that, forget that.....nevermind...ahem). HHH shot back that Hawk had one too, all he had to do was look over his jelly belly. Hawk claimed to be shaking in his boots. XPac said that after they take the LODers out, then all three of them (including Skanky) can Tuck it, Buck it, and.....well you know. -Ross and Kole hyped up the night...but they were cool about it...unlike those "other guys"...(ECW bastards). -spot where the WWF symbol walked into a bar and drank some beer....it's dumber than it sounded. -commercials -Now this was interesting, they showed a video clip of the Paul Bearer confessing that Kane was his son...the music they played over it was the SAME EXACT MUSIC that they play on the Spice Channel....but more on THAT subject later. -Front man for the Queen Tribute band, Dan Severn came to the ring....oddly enough, his mustache was in the ring a full two seconds before the rest of him got there...but oh well...Freddie Mercury would have been proud of that 'stache. He was taking on a cleanly shaven Savio Vega. Severn is one cool cat, but Savio definitely had staying power in the ring, so there should definitely be some action this day. They tussled for a bit. Savio tried to play the game, but ended up in a armbar submission. Rather than scream from being under pressure, Savio just tapped out and Severn won. Another one bites the dust to Severn....and he didn't even need to use the dreaded dragon attack....imagine that! -Backstage with Jerry Lawler and Paul Bearer. Ross promised a full interview with Bearer after the set of... -commercials....but WAAAAAIT -The camera went to the floor, the director said "cut" and Lawler sat down. He broke kayfabe and asked Bearer to tell him all about this Kane deal. The camera saw the whole thing, but they played dumb. So after some prodding, and after Lawler got Bearer to admit that he "nailed the Undertaker's Mom". Bearer told his tale.. A skinny Bearer came back to the Funeral home one night after going to see some wrestling matches. He had a few beers in him. He walked into the funeral home and saw the UT's mother, dressed in a little nightie. Bearer walked into the place and UT's mother took him right there...Lawler asked if it was on the Embalmer's table...Bearer said no, it was on the kitchen floor...to which Lawler siad, and I quote, "Paul Bearer, slipped the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor!". After Bearer insisted that it was the truth, Lawler said, "Paul Bearer buried the bologna into the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor!" (He said it as if he couldn't believe it. Bearer said that UT's mother was moaning so loud that he heard little feet running upstairs. He jumped off the mother. Had he been too late, the UT would have come down and seen his mother on the floor with "one leg in New York, the other leg in L.A.". They started to laugh hysterically. The camera cut out to some... -commercials -Lawler on screen. He said that he had no idea that the camera was on and apoligized for his actions. He didn't mean for it to happen. As for me...it's kind of funny...I wasn't really cracking up (although I will admit to unloading a mighty SPITTAKE at one point...somewhere between "salami" and "bologna"), because I found it a bit more crass than expected...Hell, I was CRINGING at times....maybe it was just the thought of Bearer with ANYONE of the female persuation......ewwwwww. The Lawler apology was a nice touch though. -Footage of last week where Sable challenged Mero. -footage of Sable training at the gym....God..she has some big cans.(sorry, but there simply is NOT any other way to get around it) -Marc Mero came to the ring to do battle with Jarrett...didn't work out though...Blackman showed up and ruined things...you know, something tells me that in a couple of years, Jarrett will be on Nitro, being interviewed by Mean Gene, and complaing that all Vince did was program him in a match with a Chuck Norris wannabe....when Gene asks him to describe Vince McMahon? Jarrett will take a breath and say, "Right place, right time, right wallet"...two weeks later, Jarrett will be jobbing to Goldberg all over the place. You heard it here first. -commercials -DOA (Skull and 8 Ball) hit the ring. LOD 2000 followed suit. The ref made Sunny leave....just so the fans won't be able to have any "swordfights". -DX hit the ring....and you thought Hogan and Bischoff took there sweet ass time? -The ref tried to make Chyna leave...DX insisted that she was wrestling tonight. XPac left instead. Chyna took her place in the corner and the match began.. -Of course, the only real things worth mentioning here was Chyna's involvement...even though the match wasn't that bad at all. -Bad Ass tagged Chyna...she ran in and gave Skull a HURRICARANA!!!!!!!!!!! She then went for the pin, but was thrown a good two feet off him. She tagged out. -commercials. -Chyna got in there again when Hawk was down. She kicked him, then mounted the top ropes. Hawk caught here and pushed her down. Her hip whacked the ring pretty hard as she crashed, but she got right back up and gave Hawk a MONSTER low blow shot. The she went into the wrong corner and swung at EVERYONE...(Geezus...I sort of want her...BADLY!!!!). -The match went on a bit more, then for no reason other than the script called for a finish...the DOA and LOD 2000 started to fight... -...and fight... -and fight... -....and fight some more....they fought all the way to some.. -commercials -backstage they were STILL fighting. Chairs and garbage cans (METAL cans..not that plastic crap) were being used. -by the way...did I mention that the second hour came and went with no notification that RAW IS WAR became the WAR ZONE??? Well it did. -Goldust came to the ring sans Luna...it was all well and good really because.. -He was fighting Kane. So much for "Forever Unchained" now it was "Fudged UP" Pray for Goldust.. -Good Lord..you must have prayed!! Because the good Lord answered us and out came the UNDERTAKER to attack Paul Bearer (well..maybe God wasn't really involved this time...alright..WHO HAS BEEN PRAYIMG TO DILLENGER??). Kane forgot about Goldust and joined the fray. They fought up the ramp, and almost knocked poor Commish Slaughter on his "Other Pie Hole" They fought into the backstage...leaving Paul Bearer to look into the camera and scream, "DAMN YOU UNDERTAKER! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Open auditions for the remake of the "Planet of the Apes" is this week...Paul just wanted to practice a bit. -Incidentally, Good Ol' JR broke the record for number of times the word "Heinous" was used in one two hour block...congratulations Jimmy...keep reaching for the stars!! -commercials -video thing dealing with Mick Foley and Terry Funk...they showed footage from Japan....Barbed Wire, explosions...that stuff was AWESOME!!!! One note, Foley admitted that his wife wished that he worshipped veteran old school jobber "Iron" Mike Sharp instead of Funk....personally, I would have recomended the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ........but that's just me. -commercials
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