Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 5/4/98 . . . Still a ways to go -video spot with the now legendary Val Venis...this time he is in the bushes (I mean SHRUBBERY YOU PERVS!!!) working on his new movie, "Val Venis: Soldier of Love"....then he introduced us to his co-star. Up from the bushes came.... -Maybe you've seen her on ECW, maybe you haven't. Maybe you saw a movie with her, and maybe not....but if you have been reading this for any length of time, then you have DEFINITELY saw her name here.....JENNA JAMESON popped out of the bushes. After Venis talked some more, Jenna told Val that she wanted to "go back down into the hole". The segment ended. -I'll place a bet with you...$20 bucks says that you if go to any other wrestling recap this week...the majority of the recappers will turn their nose UP at this segemnt and say they have never heard of the girl, or at least never seen her "work"....the thing is that I'll bet their ATTITUDE will be that they are MUCH too above watching something so disgusting as a..PORNO film. Well, should you see that, you write to them and call them a A-HOLE. Porno is a safe, wonderful thing....I watch porno..lots of it in fact. It's good fun and a lot safer than picking up scrubs in the wee hours of a Friday night...my name is Chris Hyatte...I watch porno and am not ashamed of it (which is something I can't say about wrestling)..if anyone has a problem with that, or tries to act above such activities..you tell them to go F-themselves...thank you and amen. -Steve Austin came out to take his place at the announcer's table for some color commentary. First, he grabbed a tray of beers from nearby and put them down in front of him. He stood on the table and chugged on, Ross warned us to drink beer "only in moderation" (meaning, if she is still moderately ugly..DRINK ANOTHER ONE!!...speaking of scrubs...heh heh). -and by the way...somewhere in Philly, the Sandman saw what Austin did and really freaked out..I would do more, but I'm getting tired. -Funk came out. Mick Foley followed suit...the thing went down. -Pat Patterson came out to referee the match. Austin was not all that happy about it..and commented on Patterson's "stupid haircut" (Hey Stevo...AT LEAST HE HAS HAIR!!!!). -The match got going -Foley started to bleed from the top of his head...probably real stuff. -As for Austin, well he wasn't bad, but nothing really classic came from his mic work. At one point, Austin's headset and mic kept cutting out....Austin blamed McMahon and started to freak..one thing led to your mother and Austin ended up punching Lawler out cold...(If they were in Memphis...things would be different....IN MEMPHIS..JERRY WOULD HAVE BITCHSLAPPED AUSTIN AND MADE AUSTIN'S WIFE HOLD HIS JACKET!!! YOU DON'T MESS WITH LAWLER IN MEMPHIS BUDDY BOY!!!! -GOD BLESS THE KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! -with Lawler out for the rest of the night, Austin focused on blaming Ross for the mic cutting off.....You just KNEW that Ross unloaded a fresh batch of Snickers into his boxers. -back to the match...it spilled out to the far back, some poor Hot Dog vender took a beating as his vending area took a beating. Then Funk climbed to the second balcony and gave Foley a way cool Moonsault from the second level...(Ross, "MY GOD!!! IT LOOKS LIKE A CAR WRECK!!!! Nice to hear Ross in full bellow...it's been a while). -the boys actually fought UNDER the bleachers and backstage. Austin threatened to kick some ass if they didn't get a camera back there..(he sort of ended every sentence that night with, "...or I may just have to beat your ass!"). Ross explained that they had to break for spots, Austin said not to go.....Ross said that they had too...Austin looked confused as to why they had to during the match...(Since Mr. Baldy Texan champion can sell his own line of toenail clippers and make a million..he has no insight as to the value of advertisement revenue..so long as he keeps selling those "Whoop Ass Maxi-Pads") -commercials -They continued brawling backstage and back up the ramp and into the ring. (I know I should have more details....but since you're probably going to check out other web recaps to see if I was right about that Jenna Jameson thing..you can check this match over there too). -Austin did apoligize for his language...then said that he usually talked even dirtier. -They finally made it back to the ring, Foley stuck Funk on the announcer's table and was about to paste him with that flying chir shot that he does...Ross pointed out to Austin that Funk was about to knock his beer tray all over..Austin quickly made the save. After nailing the move, Foley gave Austin a little "Bang Bang"..Austin warned him not to write checks that his ass couldn't cash. -In the end, Foley gave Funk two piledrivers...with the second one on a chair. He pinned Funk and the match was over...quite possibly, the best match that RAW has ever put on. -So Austin steps into the ring and throws a beer in Foleys face...blinded, Foley put the Mandible Claw on Patterson instead of Austin..(methinks Patterson had no qualms with getting a pair of fingers in his mouth). He finally realized that it wasn't Austin and let go. Austin and Foley yelled at each other. The Austin turned around and gave Patterson the Stunner...(Patterson was about to attack with a chair from behind). -Austin's music played as Foley left...Foley made it halfway up the ramp when Dude Love's music came on.. -Out came Vince McMahon with two girls and the Dude Love gear. Austin looked on with a huge smirk, Foley, the chicks, and VINCE McMAHON started to dance...... -oh that's right kids....Vince was DANCING!!!!!! -Even Ross had to say, "Oh Good Lord". -Let me explain something to you..you know that feeling that ran down your spine and settled into a nauseating part of your stomach when you saw Vince dancing? Well, they're called Douche Chills. Right now, millions of people around the country and maybe the world are going through an extreme case of the Douche Chills.....I hope Vince is happy. The show ended. Sometime during the show, Ross thanked all the televison audience for "making the WWF the HIGHEST rated wrestling show in cable HISTORY last week." It was the ULTIMATE Line of the Night...ONLY because it was SO FRIGGIN' COOL to hear ANYONE other than Tony Schiavone say it...because when Tony says it..it sounds like pure hype..when Ross said it..it sounded like a genuine thank you. (and yes..I am FULLY aware that Jimbo has stated that the ratings don't mean much...but still. Wouldn't it be funny if Tony came on next week and said, "Ratings, Shmatings"). It was a good RAW, now we have to see what Nitro is up to..if you'll follow me please, we will get right to it. Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1