Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

RAW, first, recap, read...5/5/99 Mop-Up Nitro It is funny....when I think about that letter I posted on top of the RAW column. The one who is claiming that the ratings are rigged. I just find it funny....for two years WWF fans had to endure Bischoff's smugness on camera, and on his online chats (he' ain't doing many of those anymore is he?) where he would spout off some of the most egocentric quotes ever heard by mortal man. Now that things have switched...and the WWF is enjoying a ratings upswing...instead of focusing on the positive..i.e "WCW has finally woken up and is utilizing it's talent depth"..they are screaming..."THE RATINGS ARE RIGGED..THE RATINGS ARE RIGGED!!" Well, at least one guy is....but I do find it funny. Were the rating rigged when Nitro was number 1? I mean, Ted Turner is a wee bit more powerful than Vince....he could have done it if it was possible. So, were the ratings rigged? Of course they were....because the WWF rules. Here come the hate letters..."HYATTE!!! YOU BIASED BASTARD!!!! QUIT THE MOP-UP AND LET SOMEONE MORE FAIR WRITE THE FU&^%$G RECAP FOR SCOOPS!!!!!! AND QUIT THE COMMENTARY AND JUST REPORT!!! WE JUST WANT THE FACTS!!!!" Righty-o.....I wonder if Zimmerman gets this kind of crap? I really wonder what kind of hate mail does Petrie get? I don't think I'll EVER learn that answer...Petrie is an enigma...a man of mystery....he ain't talking. Alas....alas. One more thing....last week I completely missed Scott Hall's cameo appearance in Flair's loony bin...I have to confess, it was at the end of the show and after plowing through4 and a half hours of recapping.....you tend to re-discover the joys of the fast forward button....I'm sure that every single recapper out there is reading this and nodding their head in agreement. It's a long road, my friends....and when that last exit is coming, you tend to ignore the sites and focus on getting home. NITRO: (or: Flair, Flair, and a LOT of Flair!) -opens with a blank screen, and a message... -"We here at World Championship Wrestling wish to express our deepest sympathies to those who suffered losses from those deadly tornadoes that ravaged the Mid West. We offer our deepest apologies for the damage that Goldberg caused. It was not Goldberg's intention to send those twisters into America's Heartland, he was aiming for Stamford, Connecticut..but somehow got his direction criss crossed. Again, World Championship Wrestling offers our heartfelt apologies" -P.S. WCW President Eric Bischoff promises the families of those who died that he will quickly instate some sort of "Tornado" gimmick on one of our wrestlers, just so he can quickly strip it away from him in order to show his remorse." -P.P.S. "The ratings are RIGGED and Vince McMahon is a fudge packer" -opens with Ric Flair in a limousine...on the phone....enthusiastically gabbing away to Temporary Prez Charles Robinson. Flair is flanked by a Nurse, named "Double E"...Arn Anderson is there too...looking like he's thinking, "My God!! Is this what my career has come down to?" No wonder he drinks. -Next to the limo...rides a bus filled with the Nutjobs (oh God...it's been a LOONG time since I had a good nutjob...so very, very long) from last week...although they don't show his face...they show enough hair to strongly hint that Scott Hall is driving the bus. I wonder if him an Arn shared a few pre-show cocktails? -Flair is coming to Nitro.....Flair is coming home. -Last week On Nitro....a bunch of stuff you missed because RAW was on. -opening theme -They are LIVE in Charlotte, North Carolina....according to....Oh Sweet Jesus No!!!! -Rikki F'K'N Rachtman...they simply REFUSE to give up on him..... -Rachtman is wearing a long sleeve jacket.....because Audience Surveys found that those tattoos on his arms make him look too scary (trust me it ain't the ink..it's his utter lack of knowledge on the sport he's covering. -Rachtman, "I think Flair has gone a little, like........PSYCHO!!" Then he decided that the fans in Charlotte were a little bit....PSYCHO too..he gauged this by talking to two fans....neither of whom seemed to have any sort of energy that a "psycho" would have....Hell, neither of them looked awake. -Oh..why can't Rachtman just die? -Rachtman also decided that we all need a dose of the Nitro Girls...I say the Nitro Girls need a dose of something...something hot, wet and gooey.......BREAK OUT THE BATTERY ACID!!!!!!!! -First Hour Fireworks....only two more and the show is almost OVER!!!!! -I'll get in so much trouble for that. -Tony Schiavone promises that we are only 6 days away from ANOTHER PAY PER VIEW GUARENBTEED TO ROCK OUR SOCKS OFF!!!! (ANOTHER ONE????? Jesus!) -Heenan is back too.....maybe this won't be that bad. -Tony's hair is slicked up tight..and he's wearing denim...sorry girls...he's taken. -A Gorgeous George training video.....yes..she is cute...but Madusa Micelli? Oh dear...oh dear....oh dear....time has not been kind to the former Alundra Blayze. -WCW NitroGirls.com is online and ready for your perusal....Tony quickly advises us to wait until AFTER the Nitro broadcast before logging in and begin spanking. -commercials -video spot dealing with how becoming President drove Flair crazy. Yeah, that's why Capone went nuts too. -More Rachtman as he talked to the official WCW Winston Cup driver...it's amazing watching Rachtman work....I don't think he does ANY preparation! -BUT Dikki has a blonde patch on his head.....WCW Image Consultants have deemed that as "cool" -Rachtman referred to Tony as his "wicked stepfather".....which means that any bounty I place on Tony's children can apply to him too....now THAT is something you folks should have NO problems with! -Tony announces that the time for talk is over...."LET'S GET TO THE RING AND START KNOCKING HEADS!!!!!!!!" -Then the Armstrongs come out.....CAN WE HAVE RACHTMAN BACK PLEASE???? -Tony mentioned pretty much everybody in the Armstrong clan that had anything to do with wrestling.....except for that bastard child Jesse...who vanished a long, long time ago and hasn't been heard from since. -The Armstrongs...well, one of them at least, picked up the mic and announced that since they pinned Raven last week in a handicapped match....they were...they were....oh I don't know. -Kidman came out...followed by Rey Mysterio Jr..who has officially become "Konnan Jr"....where's Chuck Heston and his guns when you need him the most? -Rey is wearing a FUBU shirt and is dropping hip hop grooves on our asses.....I instinctively move my wallet from my back pocket to my front. -After a match that was briefer than I would have guessed.....Kidman hoisted Rey up in the air and sent him crotch first into one of the Armstrongs....who was perched on the top rope. A Hurracarana later and the Curse continues. -Then Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko show up...how can they be "Horsemen" when they never are seen with Flair or Arn? -Then Raven and Saturn show up...... -It's a brouhaha...with the Horsemen eventually cleaning house and doing a real tune job on everyone... -Tony, "THIS IS THE TYPE OF EXCITMENT YOU CAN EXPECT NEXT SUNDAY!!!!! OH GOD PEOPLE..YOU PICK UP THAT PHONE AND ORDER THE PAY PER VIEW RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT!!!!! THEN RAM YOUR HEAD IN THE WALL AND KNOCK YOURSELF OUT SO WE CAN SAY THAT YOUR TV SET WAS ON MONDAY NITRO ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!!! -The carnage continued as.... -Tony pushed the Hotline..promising Scoops, Recaps, and Rich in KC....HEY??? CAN WE SUE?????? -commercials -Goldberg video.....pray to him when you go to bed tonight. F-It...pray to him right now. -Ernest, "The Cat" Miller shows up with Sonny Ono....just when you thought it was safe for WCW to portray more than one positive African American role models..(face it...Booker T is a HELL of a role model...no joke)...along comes Mr. Blaxploitation Stereotype......(WAIT UNTIL QUINCY JONES HEARS ABOUT THIS?????) -Buff Bagwell steps out.......Tony is too busy selling the pay per view to notice....(Hey, rating are one thing...but when the buy rates go down...THEN Bischoff starts to sweat....and when Bischoff sweats...asses get CHEWED!!!!) -When Hyatte sweats....umm...I dont know..I never sweat....I barely expend the energy that would cause my body to engage it's natural cooling defenses and begin perspiring....I hear it's a rather refreshing process! -Miller told the fans to "sit down and shut up"...oops..too late, they already were. -I'll say this...Miller is filled with energy....and he appears to be having a total blast. -I did mention that Miller got this gimmick only because he teaches Bischoff's kid karate right? -Miller gave Buff 5 seconds to "dance out of here".....chants of "YOU SUCK" abound....thank GOD the WCW Control Trailer was there to carefully weed out the negative chants for a rousing rendition of "GOOOLDBERG, GOOOOLDBERG!" -5 seconds were up...Miller turned around...Buff posed...Miller tagged him with a foot to the mouth...I cheered. -Miller hit Bagwell with his cloth cap...Buff acted as if he was just Speared -Why is it that if someone should throw Buff off the top rope...he's writhing in pain, but if he performs the Blockbuster, which is essentially the same motion and the same impact....he quickly hops up? -The answer...because wrestling is FAKE!!!! YA' LUNKHEADS!!!!!!! -oy vey -Buff is one of the very few "homegrown" stars who is unconditionally over.....Miller is a black man.....this is WCW....you tell me who won. -commercials -DJ Rad brings a little noise up in this here beeeotch.....the town of Charlotte reports mass ear bleeding for the rest of the week. -DJ Rad invites his "rowdy fans" to make a little noise.....what makes him think he has any "fans"? Rowdy or otherwise? -Flair arrives....the nutjobs too. Arn looks like he'd rather be paralyzed again. -Doug Dillenger is there to walk him to the ring...the camera leads him almost all the way...Flair fires three people randomly as he walks....I laughed. -Mean Gene is there in the ring......Flair has "Double E" nurse with him. Tony announces that this may be the last time Flair walks into Nitro as President....after Sunday, Piper runs the whole she-bang......(I'll tell you this right now...if that old fart Piper becomes President...then I will GIVE EVERY WEEK TO RAW FROM HERE ON OUT UNTIL HE IS IMPEACHED, TOSSED OUT..OR DIES!!!!!! I WILL NOT GIVE NITRO ANY WINS SO LONG AS THIS MOCKERY OF A ONCE GREAT SPEAKER IS IN CHARGE!!!!!) -AND...given Piper's penchant for winning, and Flair's penchant for jobbing out.....safe money is on Piper to win....which is a damn shame, because I haven't see Flair this animated in a looooong time. -This Nurse.......she is STACKED....she is PUMPED......she is.....is that a man? -Flair demands a whole list of people to come out.....Gene suggests a one at a time deal...Flair then calls for Randy Savage and Gorgeous George. -Notice how Flair has that vein in his forehead pop out......he's a exciting man -Notice how Arn keeps putting his hand over his brow and sighing deeply.....he's a broken man. -Notice how I use the same jokes over and over.....I'm a desperate man. -Flair also promised to kick Diamond Dallas Page's "twotwotwo two time ASS!!"....we have us a title match this week. -Flair promised Piper (who is apparently at home now) that he'll "ride up that mountain and ride his old lady if he wants to"......now...is THIS "G rated fare"? -Gene said that they had to go to.... -commercials -Flair promised to get naked should they GO to.... -commercials -Gene screamed, "NONONO NOOO" Flair untucked his shirt...the crowd popped.... -Tony said that Flair has totally flipped....then said that they really do need to break for... -commercials -BUT FIRST...we see Savage...dressed as if he was on his way to an audition for "Boogie Nights 2". He was lead out by Madusa, George, and that broad in the Beauty pageant outfit.....the one nobody knows anything about but we must love her because she's with Savage and it's a osmosis sort of thing......boy, I tell ya'...sometimes I question whether Nitro EVER changed!!!!!!!! -THEN we got those friggin' -commercials -Well..Savage was out....he had to wave several times in order to get the chicks out there... -Thank GOD...Madusa re-discovered the joys of makeup -Thank GOD....the titties were hanging out BIG time. -Thank GOD....I found out that the name of the third broad is "Miss Madness "99"....Heenan wondered what she had to do to earn that title.....seven words...."Blow Bischoff Until His Hair Turned White". -So...everyone was in the ring....Savage showed every bit his age by screaming, "MACHO MAN IN DA HOUUUUUSE!" -Flair ordered WCW Security to come out and take everyone away except for Gorgeous George......Savage called Flair a "punk" -WCW Security came.....Savage fought them...Madusa knocked one of them down...(What? You can't handle a CHICK???? PUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Flair grabbed George and held her from behind.....yes, those hands did a little tweak tweak action......God Bless Flair. -Everyone was cleared out......Flair threatened to fire Okerlund....then gave the mic to Robinson.... -Robinson said that he would win the fight by buying George a pack of gum...because everyone knows that "bimbo's can't chew gum and walk at the same time!!!!" (AMEN BRUTHAAA!!!! I'M LIKING THIS CHUCK ROBINSON!!!!!!!!! HE PREACHETHS THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!) -George smacked Robinson and knocked him down...that big ass Nurse grabbed George and choked her down to the mat...Flair stood over her (NOW KICK HER!!!!!!!!! KICK HER LIKE A DOG!!!!!! NO GOOD COOZE WOULD NEVER GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY!!!!!!!!! GIVE HER A GOOD ONE FOR ALL THE LOSERS EVERYWHERE RIC!!!! WHOOO.....I SAY WHOOOOOOOO) -And yes...the boobs came out.....we didn't see anything, but it was a close call....which means that as soon as TNT sees this...we will never see this kind of cleavage ever again! -Flair ordered her out of the building..... -Flair promised to beat Page tonight and fight Nash Sunday -Flair called Sting a punk -Sting came out without Trenchcoat......we won't be seeing that thing again for a LOOOOOOONG time. -Sting hit the ring...Flair called out Goldberg....Flair also stood behind Arn...Arn put that big ass Nurse in front of him....if I had any sort of emotion inside of me..I would weep upon seeing this travesty. I remember back to a time when a condom was the only protection Arn would need -Goldberg came out.....still bummed about that mishap with the Tornados..he ain't healing shit tonight..so don't look for it. -Goldberg hit Flair..then hit Sting....he did this for no discernible reason other than nobody in WCW knows how to create a two...much less three dimensional character. Goldberg is a pissed off guy...and that is all he is. -Tony, "WHAT THIS IS..IS A APPETIZER....FOR THE MAIN COURSE...THAT YOU WILL SEE SUNDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG VS STING!!!! STING VS GOLDBERG!!!!! IF YOU DO NOT ORDER THIS PAY PER VIEW YOUR PARENTS WILL DISOWN YOU AND THROW YOU IN AN ORPHANAGE!!!!! YOU MUST GET THIS PAY PER VIEW....IF YOU DON'T..YOU WILL GET AIDS AND DIE!!!!!! -Jeeze...talk about the hard sell. -Hey! What's the difference between Goldberg and a park bench? -Goldberg won't sell a move! -A whole pile of WCW Security was needed to break this up. Tony sold the pay per view some more. -I surely hope that the second hour showed up somewhere in this mess! -The Announcers kill time....God knows there is a lot of it to kill -commercials -Flair was backstage talking to Stevie Ray....Ric looked like this segment was taped hours before because his hair was perfectly quaffed and his suit had nary a wrinkle on it.....I would guess that WCW assumed that their viewers aren't the "suit wearing type", so we wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I SWEAR....sometimes, I really think that this show really IS run by hillbillies! -Flair offered Stevie Ray $100'000 if he got rid of Nash tonight.....Ray said, "Sho' nuff, homes!" Flair stared at him in bewilderment. -You say that you need a Nitro Girl fix? Well here ya' go! -Hak took on Bam Bam Bigelow in a Hardcore match....as with all these things..the real winner was SURGE COLA!!!!!!! -Well..it was wild...but not as wild as the great, great taste of SURGE COLA!!!!!! LOTS OF CITRUSSY TASTE.....WITH LOTS OF SUGAR FOR THAT EXTRA OOOMMPH...LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA DIE ANYWAY RIGHT? WHY NOT DIE FROM DRINKING SURGE COLA!!!! THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PRAYERS!!!! -How do you know that this match is REALLY hardcore? Well..it needed to sift through a set of... -commercials -before wrapping up!!! -The really funny thing is...and I don't see this as a slight against this match...but the Undertaker shattering that bat over Paul Wight's head was more "Hardcore" than anything I saw here! -Brian Knobbs came out and this became a 3 way dance..... -for a while.....then he looked at the camera...sold the PPV...then walked away. -Meanwhile, the ref stopped the match because Bigelow was totally out cold..... -Backstage, Stevie Ray found his NWO (Loser) Brothers and told them that Flair promised them $50'000 Dead Presidents in return for the head of Kevin Nash....Nothing wrong with the brother looking to keep a little extra change for himself. -I don't know why.....but then we see one of Flair's asylum friends come out of the toilet with a wad of paper hanging from his arse.......high comedy rules in WCW. -Piper spot.....here's a Reality Check for ya' Hot Rod....IT'S OVER!!!!! -commercials -Nash has learned of the bounty Flair put on his head...I refuse to go through any more details than that. -Konnan.....Horace.....nuff said -Nash ran out at the end and beat up the rest of the NWO.....'nuff REALLY said....you really don't care about this....none of us do...it's okay to admit it...you can be WCW's BIGGEST fan...and STILL have absolutely no desire to hear about Konnan and Horace. -The Inmates have gotten into the control room....hijinks ensue -Ric Flair is with his son David and the returning TORRIE!!!!!! Torrie is looking rather good tonight...I think that I will save this tape and manually do myself to her image. -Ric tells David that he will make his Nitro WRESTLING DEBUT tonight!!! As a reward for this make up. -David leaves and Ric tells Arn to book his kid against Meng...Arn has a cow. -commercials -Roddy Piper arrives in a limo.....he begins walking deliberately into the building...he wants Flair for that threat about banging his wife.... -Piper finds Flair and punches him stupid.....the inmates freak.....shouldn't we be hitting the Third Hour by now? -Piper lays a "Reality Check" shirt over Flair's head.....brings back the oldie, but goodie "I SCARE FLAIR"...then brings back ANOTHER oldie, "EVERYBODY PAYS THE PIPER!!!" -hey Hot Rod...here's a Reality Check for you...YAWN!!!! -commercials -Flair recovered from the Piper ordeal to hunt down Scott Steiner and persuade him to take out Nash....Scott has no problem with that. -DJ Raddy Rad has the Nitro Girls....unless we really cheer for him, he's gonna let them go....GO RAD, GO RAD, GO RAD, GO RAD, GO RAD GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOOOOOOOOOO....good enough? -Lex Luger and Elizabeth tried to hold a press conference...but the feed kept going down...kind of like Elizabeth's boobies...BOOYAAAA -commercials -Well, Steiner found Buff at least....he beat the crap out of him too. -More Rad...more Nitro Girls....I used the time wisely by picking my toenails and spitting them at my dog. -Meng came out...looking to make a difference.....mostly because of those damn pants of his -David Flair came out with Torrie Wilson...next week, I PROMISE...LOTS of jokes about Nash boning her. -Flair has no business doing this.....Meng made it brief....Meng won without making any f**king difference at all...Meng is only in it for the money. -Oh yeah....Torrie and David is about as believable as Hall and Sobriety -Poppa Flair came out and thrusted his pecker at Torrie......Torrie was not amused. -Rikki Rachtman returned....I am not amused -I don't care HOW near or far we are from the third hour...I'm ending this page right here! Chris Hyatte
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