Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Once again, we come to the end...5/5/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -I really should be giving this show more attention shouldn't I? I haven't been fair to Nitro! Okay....starting right NOW...I will pay MORE attention!! -Ahh screw it..the show's almost over...I'll start fresh next week -commercials -Tony and Heenan eat up mucho time...I will say this..if they insist on making Tony look "hip".....then this is probably the best look they can get out of him. he looks tidy. -another shot of the workout video.....because we HAVE to have the idea that George should be cheered ingrained in our heads. -I have to ask..why is she being programmed into an angle even though we never really heard of her before? Because Savage needs to be kept happy, by God! -commercials -Okerlund dragged out Diamond Dallas Page.....Page will be on Leno either this week or next.....either way, Leno now uses "HDTV"...which means that we can now take bets and count exactly how many liver spots Page has on his face!! (We can also see how much makeup Leno pancakes on his face!!!) -Page said what he was supposed to say....he has matches to sell and heat to bring in. -commercials -The Nitro Girls are in the ring. -The Nitro Girls are out of the ring -Hennig comes out....he looks solemnly into the camera and says, "Rick Rude's last words were "Read the Mop-Up on SCOOPS'" WOW....I mean...WOW!!! What a flattering way for Rick use expend his last breath!!!! -Booker T came out for some mutha lovin jive talk..and a whole lotta grooving -It's a TV title match.... -Hennig plays around with Booker T...slipping out of moves, doing cartwheels, and exclaiming, "NOW THAT'S AN ATHLETE!!!" -Rick Steiner ran out before this thing could really heat up and attacked Booker...he started choking him.... -commercials -Ric Flair comes out (there was some pre-match shenanigans with a pair of cops....I'm sorry, but I have 30 minutes to wrap this up and hand this in.....real life beckons....I must blow through this) -commercials -"Diamond" Dallas Page comes out....say? Where is Buffer? -Charles Robinson is the ref...Tony and Heenan made a HUGE production out of this tidbit just instants before they broke for those... -commercials -They lock up....Page shoves Flair down. -They lock up twice...Flair goes down -They lock up thrice....Flair goes down. -So, Flair chops the bastard...I was too busy typing to notice if Page sold it. -It spills outside...Flair's chops seem to work...maybe it's because Page is a heel and heels must sell the chop. -Buy the way...Tony was too busy selling the PPV to announce that this was the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In case you were wondering. -After some action, Page got the Figure Four on Flair...Flair broke it. -I don't know what to tell ya'.....it was a routine match...not bad, not great...everyone hit their marks and I am the same condition I am always in towards the end of the recap...dead tired and looking to finish up. -Flair got the Figure Four on...Savage and George came out.... -George went for Flair's head....Flair went for her bikini top....hey, I'd do it too. The difference is, I'd end up in jail. -Savage handed Page a foreign object.....Page hit Flair and Flair jobs out yet again. -A little fan fare...a little announcer wrap up...I got the feeling that they were waiting for RAW to end so they could go home. Raw ended.....they went home. Geeze...this was Flair's show. He made his presence felt all night long. I don't know how I feel about the show! I'll be honest. It was another case of Schiavone's endless PPV plugging that really dragged it down for me. Still, I was sort of.....umm.....dispassionate about this recap....I kind of blew through everything didn't I? Still again..I got a few snickers in there...perhaps a guffaw or two. And I never mentioned the dreaded "J" word either...so pffffffth Nitro wins..only because Piper will probably become prez and I will never award Nitro with Piper as prez...this is my vow..this is my civic duty! Praise the Lord and Pass the Applesauce! Closer time...then it's over! Okay people, I hope you remembered last week's closer...because here comes part 2. I'll summarize..last week I presented a list that I yoinked from www.lukeford.com....a Porn news site. The list was a Women's point of View concerning Sexual gratification of the oral persuasion. Well, this week, I give you part 2 of this debate...the Male Response!!!! As I did last week..I cleaned it up so that your sensitive eyes will be able to handle it without going blind or popping wood! Once again..this time with feeling.... ORAL ETIQUETTE: THE MAN'S POINT OF VIEW (I truly hope you understand what I mean by "oral"...I ain't talking about talking) 1) First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone younger, prettier, and dirtier who will. 2) Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3) You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4) I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5) If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any. 6) Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got rid of that post hum breath, we would stick around afterward. 7) When you're on your monthly, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning. 8) Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me. 9) You moan about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the poop end of the stick in flavor country. 10) At least there is no danger of us bleeding in your mouth 11) Play with the nads 12) No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 13) Mouth action is the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless. 14) Caress the ass, too, we like that. 15) Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 16) If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay? And that's that......a little dirtier than last week..but you know..some things just HAD to be said. I'm on my way out now...BOY...life is good. I don't know if it's in your local newspapers, but Rhode Island's State Offices are currently being raided by the FBI...two arrests have already been made for taking bribes and money laundering. Our Mayor, a walking, talking joke of a man with the single worse toupee since Shatner put on the TJ Hooker wig is visible sweating during every press conference. They have dubbed it "Operation Plunder Dome" and this little state is about to be turned upside down. I hope the Mayor of Providence, Mr. Vincent "Buddy" Cianci gets his ass handed to him FED style!!! You see, for years, Rhode island officials have had this grandiose attitude about illegal activities.....since everybody does it, why bother hiding it? Well now..somebody noticed..somebody cried foul..and now a bunch of wannabes are running around like their heads were cut off. Let the UNRAVELING OF LOCAL GOVERNMENT BEGIN!!!! Hyatte is there..on the sideline in his quiet little apartment....enjoying the show. I'm in a REALLY good mood.....so much so that I can say without any regret or shame... You all rule!! This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1