Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the Nitro recap AFTER this...5/5/99 Mop-Up RAW Part 1: And so it goes..... "You are such a contradictoring idiot. I'm cancelling this service because I can't stand you're biased reporting. You must really have no life what so ever if all you do is find faults with WCW. I watch both shows, I'm about to graduate from college, and I am not an "retard". Maybe I should file a law suit on your ass for calling WCW fans "retards", since I do have friends who prefer WCW over WWF. In closing, get a life. Each organization has something that the other lacks. So stop being a biased jackass wanna be reporter, and just report." Kwangbok Lee kwangbok@boisdarc.tamu-commerce.edu (not an retard, nor is he apparently an English Major....but how about that NAME?? Kwangpot..I smoked some kwangpot once...MANALIVE....that'll straighten out your pubes!!) Part 2: The Truth is Online! "Man I'll tell you your column bites! You didn't do theSting/DDP match justice. Furthermore, there are a lot of us who watch Nitro and enjoy it. Oh yeah, don't bother to mention that the TV ratings over the last month have been rigged and that the WWF rankings balooned due to we'll call it outside interference. I will not be logging on to your column again until it improves. Furthermore, the RAW column was terrible also." Sti3201@aol.com (He refused to give his name...it may be Fox Mulder! Is that the way "ballooned" is spelled?) Part 3: The dumbest letter I have EVER received! "u said: "WHO THE HELL IS RICK ROOD AND WHY IS HIS NAME UNDERNEATH RAVISHING RICK RUDE'S?????'-that is his real name. They are not trying to save money! and u are a reporter?" Wu4eva1010@aol.com (no name....probably out of embarrassment. U no whut eye meen?) Yesiree! This is the Mop-Up and I am Chris, the cherry on your Sundae, the butter on your toast, the corn in your poop..that's me. Loved by dozens, loathed by hundreds, and completely unknown to millions more..it's time for another installment of the recap you all hate to love...but can't help but pour through every single....single.....oh forget it. Okay, let's begin with a couple of opening notes...because that's how I do things here... How about a little TV talk? I'll keep it brief, as there are only two shows that I wish to discuss... 1) "The Family Guy": The good news is that the baby they have on there, Stewie, may be the most original character, real or drawn, ever created! To make a one year old act like a world conqueror straight out of a James Bond movie is absolutely brilliant. I love it. The Bad news...and I am SHOCKED that nobody mentioned this yet...is that the Father on the show is a DIRECT RIP OFF of Homer Simpson. A fat, dimwitted guy who seems oblivious to his family needs? Hell, they even draw him with a white work shirt, no tie, with the sleeves carefully rolled up. He's Homer Simpson...all the way. 2) "The Craig Kilborn Show": I like his delivery. Smooth, silky, and dripping with pretentiousness. Overall, his show needs a little work, but his style of humor has always appealed to me. Nothing against Conan O'Brien, whom I never really watched because I always became consumed with counting the number of times he licked his lips (once I counted 27 licks in the span of only 3 MINUTES!!!!!), but Kilborn is my late night choice for the wee hours. Now please, don't write me a letter explaining why Conan is God and how I should be kneeling in front of him....I have nothing against the dude, he just never really appealed to me. Kilborn rules...and "5 Questions" is the greatest gimmick since Letterman's Top ten list Moving on to SCOOPS business......last week I was edited rather heavily.....for some reason, SCOOPS doesn't feel that some gross poop humor is appropriate for this column or for your ears. Oh well. So, as long as those Oklahoma Tornadoes didn't affect the home base and I still get my monthly stipend...I cannot complain anymore. GOD BLESS SCOOPS!!!!! GOD BLESS EXTREME INTERACTIVE MEDIA!! Speaking of EIM....and SCOOPS...two weeks ago I had my first ever phone conversation with the one and only REMY "THE SLAMMER" ARTIEGA!!!! The conversation pretty much began with Remy telling me that he was my BIGGEST FAN.....then it was 20 minutes of him telling me what's wrong with this column and how bad I suck. I tried to say things, but Remy is one of those fellows who keep interrupting you mid-sentence to say something completely off topic. Talking to Remy is kind of like running a marathon...it's pure hell to go through, and you feel light headed when it's over. I'm confused....if my company bought iwrestling.com.....does that mean that Dave Scherer and I work for the same place? Or am I totally screwing everything up? And if the same company that owns SCOOPS owns Bob Ryder's site....does that mean Big Dick Scaia will have to find another major website to publically suckle? (Al's note- wrong site Hyatte!!!) What did I do to piss off Dave Gagnon? I always thought that he was the funniest prick on the net...I still do in fact. Apparently, I did something to anger him....oh well....now you all see why I never socialize with other web guys....not even the ones on this very site. They all end up trying to F^$# me...then I have to get them back...then they start to cry because I'm so brutal. Then they go away for 3 months, then come back looking to start up again. Dude...it's over...I swatted you around like the bitch you are for a while, but now it's boring to me and my readers. You were never a challenge, you were never a problem,, you were merely an amusing diversion whose time has past and I feel absolutely nothing towards you other than sheer pitty for your rank desperation in getting me to mention your website's name again. In fact, I pitty you on your whole LIFE....you present yourself as such a loser..who is so scared of rejection on every level that your mind cannot make your mouth work properly and your body has built the classic wall around itself consisting of sheer fat. You are terrified at the idea of college, terrified at the idea of leaving your parents house and fending for yourself in this scary world that has laughed at and ridiculed you since day 1. Now, you are so bitter and hateful about your lot in life that you lash out at every little thing in the only medium that allows you to speak your mind without anyone ever having to look at or hear you. You are just a scared little boy who talks tough about his brain power and his talents to hide his monstrous insecurities. And for that...you have my pity. How did I get from Gagnon to Shannon like that? By the way, this is the LAST TIME I DO THIS. From here on out, all remarks will be contained within the column in small, ass ripping forms, much like last week, which are probably more devastating to him than anything else. Besides, his parents need me to show them new things....and I hear he has a sister too....I wonder what I can do with that information.... They never learn......none of them. BUT....Dave Gagnon at 411 rocks....he's my fave...until he starts f-ing with me...then I'll have to slap him around too...only he would fight back....and he's good at it....it would be ugly....I'd win, of course, but it would be so UGLY......HEY DAVE...CAN'T WE JUST BE BUDS??? Right now, Zimmerman is probably waiting for the almost obligatory reference to him...so here it is. I've had enough of this crap...let's just get on with it. RAW IS WAR (or: Jimmy Hoffa's ALIVE!!! He lives in Mick Foley's ass cheeks) opens with a blank screen, then a message slowly scrolls up....to wit: "We here in the World Wrestling Federation offer our sincerest condolences to the families who suffered loss of loved ones, homes, and livestock during the Tornadoes that recently ravaged America's Heartland. Furthermore, we here at the World Wrestling Federation would like to ensure our viewers that IF "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich were still alive, AND if he were still under WWF employ, then we would have quickly ELIMINATED the "Texas Tornado" gimmick from his character and would have prohibited him from using his trademark "Discus Punch" Finisher. Rest assured, we here at the World Wrestling Federation would have been sensitive to those traumatized by this tragedy and, were it possible, would have sent Mr. Von Erich STRAIGHT to Jobberdom as a show of our kindness!" -there was a long pause..then another message scrolled up -p.s. STRONG rumor has it that "Dubbya Cee Dubbya" head Honcho, Eric Bischoff is preparing to change Goldberg's gimmick and call him Bill "The Finger of God" Goldberg....with "Finger of God being a DIRECT reference to the film "Twister". You just remember THAT when you think about switching over to those inbred bastards! Thank you" -p.p.s "Ted Turner humps baby seals" -The amazing thing is....the Tornadoes struck several hours BEFORE RAW went on the air......WOW....when did THEY hire the Amazing Kreskin? -I apologize for that....I am fully aware that this was a tragedy of Biblical proportions and I shouldn't be trying to make light of the situation...I am just assuming that all the computers belonging to those affected were pretty much smashed up so they probably aren't reading this. -WWF One World tag -video footage detailing all the exciting muckity muck that has been going down as of late. -opening theme...they had better lose that Road Warrior Hawk image...don't want to get sued for false advertising..... -WHY S-CAN DR DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS??? WHY S-CAN STEVEN REGAL??? AWW VINCE...YOU CHEAP BASTARD....WHY COULDN'T YOU GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE??????? -rat bastard.....Jericho had better be friggin' worth it. -Where the Hell are they? Oh..they are in San Diego.... -Jim Ross called Lawler the "Teflon King" for the first of two times tonight....uh oh..looks like Jerry dodged another judicial landmine.....my first guess would be some sort of underage palimony suit. -Kicking things off swiftly, as these pre-taped episodes are wont to do.... -The Corporation/Ministry Connection (Corpistry? Minstration? Blatant JayTex rip off?) come out in full force....there's Shane (I'm not fat, just jiggly) McMahon, HH(Just because my girlfriend looks like a guy don't make me a FAG)H, The Under(Oh GOD I miss being a Skyscraper)Taker, Paul(Screw the middleman, I just eat Crisco) Bearer, The Big (I have no joke here) Bossman, Justin Hawk (Is this even a push?) Bradshaw, Far(I blame the WHITE MAN for this)ooq, Chy(You all want me...You know it)na, Rod(I am the Brisco in this new Stooge gimmick)ney, Pete (F-You...I'M the Brisco) Gas, Visc(CHRIST, DO MY FEET HURT)era, Mid(I long for the days when I got to fondle Sunny)ean, and ...and...well I'll be damned...I nailed them all.....whew -Shane McMahon opens up with the mic......first, he talks up is upbringing...and expresses his sorrow at us working stiffs who live "paycheck to paycheck"...(yeah!!!! Those LOSERS...they....oh..wait a second.....) -He expressed his sympathy for those who buy the cheapest bottle of Vodka every Friday night and drown their sorrows (POPOV!!!!! $5-$10 A BOTTLE!!! THAT'LL MELT A FEW FILLINGS AWAY ON THE WAY DOWN!!!!) -Lawler asked Ross what that was like......little did Lawler know that Ross' new..."ailment" allowed him to store up to a full 2 PINTS of Stolies in his dead cheek like a chipmunk during broadcasts....for those stressful times when he needs a quick pick me up. -Shane can only imagine what it is like to "hate my boss", "hate my wife", "hate my life"...well, I don't hate Al Isaacs....(except when he EDITS OUT MY CAREFULLY CRAFTED WORDS LIKE A MERCILESS BUTCHER CARVING UP A T-BONE LIKE IT WAS SPAM!!!!! DAMMIT AL...LET HYATTE BE HYATTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!).....I don't have a wife..but I was once Z-Smooth's wife...and I hated him...so does hating my husband count?......umm..no, I don't hate my LIFE either.....except when I'm EDITED..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...YOU PEOPLE ARE CASTRATING ME IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS!!!!!!!........ -Kidding...I'm kidding.....it's nothing but love here at the Mop-Up....ALL HAIL SCOOPS...OUR NEW RELIGION!!!!! -Then Shane called us all "losers"......notice how Pete Gas was staring at his ass the whole time....ladies and gentlemen...we have the Patterson for the Millennium!!!! -Pete Gas.....think HE was picked on a lot as a kid? "Hey, Fart...get over here! Hey, Pete Shit and Die!!!" -Then Shane asked who, among us peons, had the "balls the size of grapefruits" to slap our "maker" in the face? (My maker? God? Does God have a face? Would I slap it? The answer is "NO"..I would NOT slap God in the face...I'm in enough trouble with him as it is.) -Then Triple H grabbed the mic...and asked why the Rock was called the "People's Champion"? Because he could raise an eyebrow? Because he had a cute little Elbow? (Do NOT sell that Elbow wrestlers...LISTEN TO ME!!!!) Or because he sat up all night dreaming of catchy slogans? (Aww Hunter....he's just pissed because "Suck It" was stolen from the NWO....and that phrase he tried early in his career, "I'LL HASH YOUR BROWNS" never caught on like it was supposed to....). The he said that at "Over the Edge" will be the night he takes Maivia and blah, blah, blah -Then the Undertaker grabbed the mic.....said, "I hate everyone!" (EVERYONE??? Not Remy "The Slammer" Artiega! EVERYONE LOVES REMY "THE SLAMMER" ARTIEGA!!!...I SURE DO!!!..AND I AM NOT BEING SARCASTIC!!!!) -Speaking of which, I had read that SCOOPS very own Freakboy went to Providence, RI to catch "Backlash"...let me register my disappointment that he did not notify me and invite me to come along and hang....I would have said no of course, but it still would have been nice to have had the opportunity to turn him down. I guess I'm not cool anymore. -By the way....one would think that the "Lord of darkness" would have the ability to keep a full head of hair..wouldn't one? No wonder he's pissed...he's in his late 30's..and NOW his hair's going? Jesus, I figured that if you made it past 29 and still had all your follicles..you'd be home free. -By the way...part duhh...Dillenger has a luxurious head of hair...further proof that he is the AntiChrist. -UT was pissed at Austin because he's got a big match against the Bald One at OTE and playing up the "mutual respect" angle that they tried at the last "Summerslam" blew BIG TIME. -UT also said that Austin would be the "Ultimate Sacrifice" to a power HIGHER than the UT....Good God.....do you know what this means???? -That's right...Vince has rehired HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!!!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Not the most obvious choice......nor the funniest...but I like to throw the occasional curveball at you, every so often. -Then Shane had the mic again and said that he'll do the ref thing again for this PPV main event....... -Shane wrapped up this hoe-down by giving Vincent K McMahon 2 hours to get his juiced up ass in the ring for some of that Father/Son action.....then....... -Out comes Mankind, Ken Shamrock, Test, and Paul Wight...all holding 2 by 4s (I TOLD YOU!!!! HACKSAW IS COMING BACK!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) -Mankind had the mic.....and announced that everyone with him was once part of the Corporation, and but now they are "Disgruntled Former Employees" (They would have called themselves "Former Employees who are Disgruntled"...or FEDs...but if Mankind came out and said, "THE FEDS ARE HERE"....then half of that San Diego Illegal Alien crowd would have bailed out, prontismo). -Anywhoo....Mankind announced that they have formed a "UNION"......(a UNION??? IN PRO WRESTLING???????? MY GOD!!!! IF THAT'S NOT A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE...THEN BY GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!!!!!) -The Union's official name is..."Union Of People You Oughtta Respect Son"....or UP YORS...agh...couldn't get that spare "U" in there could ya?...F-ing English language. -Mankind talked some more......about how Vince was a slightly better employer, for all his faults.....then said something about squeezing some nuts.....then they walked to the ring... -The Union stormed the ring...cleaned a little house..and chased the Corporation away...Shane backed away promising all sorts of revenge....carefully wedged within the next hour and 45 minutes..minus about 10 minutes of commercial time. -Unions...they are the death of this Country. -Ross had time to scream, "THERE WILL BE REPERCUSSIONS...EARTH SHATTERING REPURCUSSIONS IF I DON'T GET MY HAM AND SWISS SUBMARINE SANDWHICH RIGHT HERE TONIGHT ON RAW!!!! DON'T YOU DARE SWITCH OVER TO NIT... -commercials -Billy Gunn's theme song says that he is an "Ass Man"......I'm a "Vagina Man", myself...but whatever creams your coffee, I guess. -So....Bad Arse Billy Gunn came to the ring to officially begin his new push as a heel....he no longer has two words for us. -Then X-Pac comes out...I keep saying...he makes a MUCH better heel than a face....in WCW, he was just such a PUNK. -The fight right away....Gunn takes the lead and holds it for most of the match. -X-Pac went for a baseball slide, but he missed..it may have been a screw up...I don't know. I would rewind it to be sure...but the remote is just out of my reach.....I can't get it...I.......must.........reach....dammit.....oh f-it. -The end came...(and it took a while...not PPV long, but long enough to count as an actual, honest to goodness match) after X-Pac went for the Bronco Buster.....but flew right into Mr. Ass' foot into his nutsac (I don't care if you're wearing a Titanium cup with Sheepwool stuffed inside....that has GOT to hurt)...then Gunn gave up the "Famasser" and scored the CLEAN win....CLEAN WIN. CLEAN. -Then Gunn stomped on the little Pecker some more...Ross screamed, "ENOUGH'S ENOUGH!!!!!" -Then Gunn grabbed a chair...then Road Dog ran out.....they fought.....Doggy did one of his pre-punch boogies because dammit, this was his only appearance tonight and he's GOT to get it in. Dogg still ended up eating a chair -Then the lights dimmed....and Kane came out.....Gunn stood his ground... -for a SPLIT SECOND...I thought for SURE that Kane would start kicking X-Pac and Doggy and join up with Gunn......but no...Gunn slipped out of the ring and walked away. -Kane carried X-Pac away...Road Dogg stuck around ringside and checked the front row fans to see if any of them had some doobage to sell...(That Mexican "Ganja"....aye yi YI) -footage from outside Shane's locker room....there was yelling...I would go into excruciating detail over what he was saying..but I'm fresh out of page! Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2