Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

It is too late to turn back...5/5/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -commercials -Shane and the boys came out again......I am NOT going through the lineup again..so I'll just repeat myself from before....because the first time around was just that DAMN FUNNY!!! -The Corporation/Ministry Connection (Corpistry? Minstration? Blatant JayTex rip off?) come out in full force....there's Shane (I'm not fat, just jiggly) McMahon, HH(Just because my girlfriend looks like a guy don't make me a FAG)H, The Under(Oh GOD I miss being a Skyscraper)Taker, Paul(Screw the middleman, I just eat Crisco) Bearer, The Big (I have no joke here) Bossman, Justin Hawk (Is this even a push?) Bradshaw, Far(I blame the WHITE MAN for this)ooq, Chy(You all want me...You know it)na, Rod(I am the Brisco in this new Stooge gimmick)ney, Pete (F-You...I'M the Brisco) Gas, Visc(CHRIST, DO MY FEET HURT)era, Mid(I long for the days when I got to fondle Sunny)ean, and ...and...well I'll be damned...I nailed them all.....whew -Ah..."Cut and Paste"...God's little miracle -I'll make this quick...Shane had revised the entire line up for tonight...which meant nothing to me because I had no clue what was originally planned. -We also see Vincent K McMahon arrive with his lovely daughter Stephanie...and his wife...LINDA K (I RUN THIS WHOLE SHOW DAMMIT!!!!! I HAVE VINCE WHIPPED SO BAD...HIS TOUPEE COWERS IN MY PRESENSE) MCMAHON...MAKING HER BIG TIME TELEVISION DEBUT!!!!! ( I still think they'll play the Undertaker's banging her angle) -at least I THINK it's his wife...it could be Vince's mother -Anywhoo.....the revised lineup....according to Shane.... -A 4 Corners match involving the Big Bos......ahhh...you know what....we'll get to them when we'll get to them. Let's just say that it's 8 big matches.....squeezed into an hour and....20 minutes maybe? Sounds like fast food screwjobs are on the menu for tonight. -Once Shane was through...out came Vincent K McMahon.....with all the determination of a man trying real hard to remember his lines.. -Then Linda McMahon, Stephanie, and two armed Police Officers came out too..they all entered the ring..... -Oh Lord...how horrible would it be if Linda McMahon were to be treated to a rousing chant of "SHOW YOUR TITS" by the fans? Oh...that would be DISGUSTING!!! I DO NOT SUPPORT THAT HEINIOUS ACTION!!!!!!! (*wink wink, nudge nudge* cough) -Vince gave Shane one last chance to stop...before he went too far. Shane laughed and said that he had not yet begun to go too far. -Vince strongly cautioned him to shape up....because this was getting serious. Shane invited him to a little dance. -Vince decided to pull out the ace card...and handed the mic to his wife... -Linda begged Shane to stop this.....Shane told her to "shut your mouth, Mom" -YA HEAR THAT MA!!!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY...EVERY SINGLE NIGHT...EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY SECOND OF MY EXISTANCE I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE IN MY HEAD...ORDERING ME...NAGGING ME.....EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE DEAD YOU WON'T STOP...DAMMIT IT MA...SHUT UP!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE F&^% UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR -huff...huff.....no...it's no good...I can still hear her...in my head...no mother...yes mother...yes mother...YES MOTHER!!!! I KNOW SHE'S A NO GOOD TRAMP!!!! YES MOTHER..I WILL!!!!! YES MOTHER...I WILL BURY THE REMAINS...YES MOTHER...LEAVE ME ALONE.....NNNNYYYYAAAAAAARGH -Vince tried to muscle Shane....he found himself surrounded.....the McMahon family left hastily....the crowd demanded that Vince "KICK HIS ASS".... -Vince led his family up the ramp...but not before Shane dropped one more bombshell on them. -Basically....Shane confessed to being the one who allowed the Undertaker to screw with Stephanie all those times. The kidnapping, the break ins, the general naughtiness....it was all Shane...all of it. -Vince ran into the ring and was attacked....he got a stomping....I'd say more, but this has gone on long enough. -Am I the only one who is waiting for Vince to drop this "concerned parent" act and go into full fledged "Pissed Vince" mode? Come on guys...it's time for Vince to get MAD!!!! -commercials -Rodney and Pete Gas were in the ring, inviting Brisco and Patterson to put down the Geritol and get their asses out there for a beat down "Mean Street Posse" style.... -Backstage, Vince is telling his boys, "I know what I have to do...you have to decide on what YOU want to do." Brisco was ready to go kick some ass...Pat was ready to...so as soon as he found his damned eyeliner..... -Out comes Gerald Brisco and Patrick Q Patterson...who came out and promptly beat the living snot out of those punks.....the fans were into it...Ross was into it.....I was into it....OLD SCHOOL ALL THE WAY BAYYBEE....BOOYAAAAA -what? -Backstage, Shane was telling his troops that it was time to pay a "little office visit"...and off they went. -commercials -what??? -The Menstruation were still wandering around the building. -WHAT?? JESUS CROW...WHAT? -Test came to the ring...so young, so clean...so innocent -Then The Big Bossman came out...with Midean and Viscera......Bossman is a prison guard.....Viscera is a big, black guy with yellow eyes and two gold front teeth....Midean is the bitch......oh...ohhhh....ohhhwhoaoaoaoooohhhh -I.....I.....I'm having some MAJOR flashbacks here........ -WHAT???? Oh..are you mad that I didn't go wild on poor Pat and his fondness for hairy asses???? Do I have to do material like that EVERY WEEK???? CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE THE POOR FAGOLA ALONE FOR ONCE???????????? -Oh crap....okay...I'll give you a quick joke..just to tide you over this one time.... What does Pat say when his "partner" has a nasty case of Hemorrhoids? -He says, "Oh boy! Time to dodge some landmines!!!!!" -OR..."Time to go four wheeling!!" -There...they was bad, they was tasteless, they weren't that funny either...and they'll probably get edited out too....HAPPY NOW???? -Meanwhile...Test upset everyone and scored the pin over Midean....Mankind and the boys had something to do with it. -Backstage, we see HHH walk out of a room holding his hand in pain...Chyna was behind him smiling...I heard her whisper, "See, I told you Stephanie can lock it up! I warned you...but you HAD to see for yourself, didn't you?" Then Vince's body went crashing into a wall, then the UT stepped out with Paul Bearer..they were laughing. -commercials -Shane McMahon came out...the camera sees a sign that read, "UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP"....$50 and one of my kidneys say that the sign was a PLANT!!!!! -Shane hit the ring and grabbed the mic...haven't we had enough of his mouth? Good Lord...he's worse than BISCHOFF!!!!! -I believe that the second hour had arrived. -Shane rambled on a little......talking himself up.....I'm beginning to wonder if he dyed his hair black. IS HE GREY UNDERNEATH????? WHO'S KID IS HE AGAIN?????? -PLUS...didn't Bischoff do this very same thing in Worcester a year or so ago? Didn't he call out Vince McMahon and invite him to fight on a WCW pay per view? MY GOD!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! -MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE RIPPING OFF A BISCHOFF IDEA!!!!!! OH WHY VINCE? WHY???? -Vince stumbled out, walking like he was just humped 7 ways to Sunday.... -Vince made it halfway down the ramp...then wiped out....Shane ran out and attacked. -Shane brought the old man to the ring and beat him around a little..... -Then Shane gave Vince the "Bronco Buster".......isn't that incest? -Then Vince rebounded and hit Shane with a clothesline......then he gave him a "Stunner"..3 slaps later and Vince scored the pin. All I could think was that were this another time...Vince would have used the Legdrop. -Wait a second......Shane called him out....the ref started to count...Vince came out visibly hurt....and STILL beat him?? It just dawned on me..what if...what if..this was Vince's kinda/sorta way of saying that not only can he kick Shane's ass at half power...but since this was SUCH a send up of Bischoff's challenge last year....maybe...just maaaybe.... -Oh that dirty, sneaky, cunning bastard.....don't you see? Shane is SUPPOSED to be Bischoff...and Vince is INTENTIONALLY fudging him up just to show that Bischoff is a pussy!!!! IT'S THE ULTIMATE F-YOU TO UNCLE ERIC!!!!!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU. F-YOU!!!!!!! -HA!!! Tell me that it doesn't make perfect sense now? -The fans showed remarkable attention to history by chanting "LOSER, LOSER" to Shane....Hell, I forgot about that too. -commercials -crap from earlier tonight. -Mankind came to the ring.....since he is the Union Leader..does he now have to give a chunk of his pay to John Gotti Jr? -The Acolytes showed up.....Bradshaw has a hunk of wood...HEY PAL..THAT'S UNION WOOD!!!! YOU BETTER DROP IT NOW, OR YOU'LL GET YOUR LEGS BROKEN BY LITTLE ANTHONY AND TONY TWO TONE!!! -All Dagos are named Tony or Anthony......it's mandatory. -I sort of miss the old Faarooq....I miss the Nation...I miss all those times when he'd blame whitey....BRING BACK THE NATION!!!!!! IF JESSE JACKSON CAN GET THOSE HOSTAGES BACK, HE CAN DAMN SURE GET VINCE TO REFORM THE NATION!!!!!!! -peace out yo!!! -Shovels, chairs, steps, and boards were used. Mankind hit Bradshaw with a box filled with Styrofoam....Bradshaw took the shot, then looked at Foley ass if to say, "You expect me to sell this?" If he did sell it, I would have given the night to Nitro sight unseen. -Mankind DDT'ed Bradshaw on a garbage can (Thank CHRIST it wasn't a "Surge" can..or I would have given the night to Nitro AGAIN!) -F-It...I'M GIVING THE NIGHT TO NITRO ANYWAY!!!!!!! SIGHT UNSEEN!!!!! DEAL WITH IT YA DUMB ASS MARKS!!!!!!!!!!! -Foley took the pin after getting a Double Powerbomb (more like a Spike Powerbomb) on a pair of chairs......he did the job....sometimes Vince can be SUCH a bastard. -commercials -Ken Shamrock came out...looking like he found out that his Sister met a guy named "Rico" who got her a gig at a Tijuana strip club....she already changed her name to "Ryanita Shamrocko" -Triple H came out with Chyna in a referee's shirt....Chyna's hair is so LOOONG....it now reaches down to her butt....I have to wonder...does the ends of her hair now smell like poop? Being so close to her butt...when she sits on the throne, do the ends of her hair......you know......get stuck? SOMEONE SMELL THE ENDS OF HER HAIR!!!!! I NEED TO KNOW THIS!!!!!!! -Gee....Chyna is the ref...HHH is a newly heeled.....err...Heel......HHH is getting a huge push...Kenny is rumored to be riding out his contract so he can get back to the UFC.....HHH just signed a gazillion dollar deal with Titan. -Guess who wins? -Just you guess. -GUESS DAMMIT!!!!!! -By the way, none of these matches are all that BAD tonight...they may be quick, but they are pretty solid. Not that many screwjobs endings either. Those who would bitch about the WWF really have nothing to complain about this week. -I will tell you this....Shamrock turned a Pedigree attempt into an Ankle Lock...it was cool to see. -Lawler, "OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!! THOSE BAST... -Ross, "HEY!!!!" -They need a few weeks to get back their timing. Besides, "South Park" is SO last year. -commercials -The Big Show came to the ring......I'm wondering if he regrets this move yet. -The Undertaker came to the ring....I'm wondering what Paul Bearer looks like naked...(come ON...aren't you the LEAST bit curious?) -They start swinging...... -I would have pegged this for a big time PPV main event.....like Summerslam. No, we are getting a freebie.... -well...a RAW freebie.....sort of like when she'll play with it....but you have to do the messy work. -After about...oh, I'd say 3 minutes, UT gets out of the ring and Bearer pours some Ether on his Elbow pad...... -Then he re-entered the ring and promptly got a sleeper hold on TBS...with the Elbowpad right in his nose and mouth. -WHEN DID VINCE HIRE DUSTY????? THIS LOOKS SUSPSICIOUSLY LIKE A DUSTY RHODES GIMMICK!!!!!!!!!! -Oh..right...Terry Taylor...nuff said...no wonder Bischoff never used his ideas. -Oh F-It...it wasn't that bad an idea..at least it was somewhat creative. -PLUS...it didn't work...Wight flipped him over and stopped the hold.... -So the UT just whacked him with a ball bat...which SHATTERED into pieces...that was a KILLER bump. -Paul Wight started to bleed.....he has bled more in the last month than in his entire career. -UT got in Wight's face and said, "THIS IS MY SHOW!!! THIS IS MY SHOW!!!" I found it curious that the Lord of Darkness tends to talk with a Southern drawl when he gets excited...... -Just like Dillenger!?!?!? -MY GOD!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I STUMBLED ONTO HERE???????? -We see Debra walking towards the ring....Lawler said the word "puppies" 5 times in 8 seconds.....there is no good reason why we should be subjected to that. -commercials -Debra's out...it's an Evening Gown match against Sable for the Chick title...even though Debra has yet to have an actual wrestling match. -EXCEPT......Sable wasn't there..she was at the Playboy Mansion, getting ready for her second photo shoot for the magazine....(Marc Mero got to clean Hef's pool and Grotto!!!)...so her Royalness couldn't be there tonight...but she'll be more than happy to send out her stunt double... -In the "Don't Mess with Perfection" dept.....when the Stunt Double came out...Jim Ross summed it up best...."I can't wait to see whoAHH ohhh oh...my...gosh!" -Lawler complimented the thought quite nicely, "YIKES!!!" -It was Nicole Bass....in an Evening Gown.....Perry Saturn looked more fem -Nicole hit the ring and took off her shoes...... -Debra did what any middle aged bag with thousands of dollars of her exe's money put into cosmetic surgery would do....she took off her clothes and forfeited the match....(somewhere...Mongo suddenly lost all sensation on the right side of his face...it just went totally numb...save for that deeply blue vein..that was throbbing...and throbbing....and throbbing). -Nicole still went after Debra...rather gently...less Debra's hip shattered -Good Lord....to think Debra was once totally hated when she was prancing around WCW in that Beauty Pageant dress...remember that scene? Yep...Bischoff knew exactly how to market her....ayup....the boy's a genius. -Jarrett ran in...slammed Bass with his geetar....she went down. -Val Venis ran in...took out Jarrett...then lifted Debra up and carried her away.....those boobies were right in his face.....Val Venis must give the BEST Hummers....because SOMEONE in the WWF (COUGHpattersonCOUGH) loves him. -Jarrett ran full speed after Venis.... -commercials -Backstage....during the break.....Jarrett and Val went at it. I wonder if Jeff can go hardcore? Maybe get his ass in a program against Al Snow? -Well...they are the two biggest stars in the company.....probably the biggest reason why RAW is killing Nitro right now.....and yet, this is the first time we see them all night.....and we never heard them speak.. -The Rock came out.... -Austin came out....it never fails to amuse me when he comes out...seemingly in a heated conversation with nobody. -Then the Lumberjacks came out...consisting of the Menstruation (they're at their worst for about 3 days every month) -There was no match....the Corpissonatree attacked the two guys in the ring and went nuts.... -Rock and Austin tried to hold them off....but to no avail....it was a Gangland attack. -Vince came out with pretty much ALL the wrestlers he has.......they all ran out and went after the Heels.... -Things pulled apart into two groups.....with HHH, Chyna, and the Undertaker triple teaming the Rock at the Entranceway. -Then Austin came up through that trapdoor that the Brood always comes out of...he had been fighting Midien (I think) underneath.....he started swinging.. -Austin and the UT found themselves beefing on the elevator..and it started going down. -HHH and Chyna worked on the Rock...the Rock rebounded and tagged Chyna in the face. -HHH picked up a heavy object...Austin showed up again and grabbed him from behind...HHH swung and sent the Rock off the ramp and onto a table..it was a very nice bump. -UT came back and caught Austin with a boot...Austin went down... -UT PITCHED Austin off the ramp and down through a pair of tables..it was ANOTHER monster bump. -The show ended with UT and HHH standing on the ramp in victory....Austin and the Rock were pretty much out on the ground. Ross sold the action as if they still had an hour to go. Well...what did we get? A change of pace for one....a lot of solid matches with very little "drama"..save for two LONG segments. Two HUGE "PPV Quality" bumps were taken when there really wasn"t any need for it. I pretty much think that the WWF is trying real hard to make everyone happy by supplying something for EVERYONE....and I'll be brutally honest with you good folks...and you can call me "AntiWCW" all you want...but if Bischoff bothered to listen to the fans who were complaining for the last year when they were on top...instead of going on Prodigy and announcing, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"...if he bothered to listen to the fans and spice up his product with something other than Hogan spraypainting crap on someone's back at the end of every Nitro..then they wouldn't be in this predicament. He didn't..and now they are putting on top quality shows and nobody cares. Oh..that's right..the ratings are RIGGED....Nitro is kicking ass! Speaking of which....off we go. Chris Hyatte
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