Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 5/11/98 "What's wrong with you? You are an embarrassment to your family! Normal men your age are wearing suits to the office 5 days a week. They are getting married and raising kids. Why can't you fall in line and do what's right? Why can't you be a normal person? All you do is sit there and find ways to say the "F-word" without really saying it. For this I carried you in my belly for 9 months? For this?? I am so ashamed of you. When are you going to visit your grandmother? When are you going to mow the lawn? Get a job and be responsible!": My mother. Where's my gun? Welcome to my nightmare! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Were I a rapper, my name would be "Sho Nuff", were I a Country Singer, it would be "Whiskey Pete", were I a heavy metal hair band guy from the 80's, my name would be "Douche Boggs", were I an alternative guy from Seattle in the early 90's, my name would be "Chris Hyatte" (Seattle guys are FAR too serious to pick goofy names)...but the name of my band would be "Toe Phungus". Unfortunately, I can't sing a note, play a lick, or bang any sort of beat...so I guess I'm stuck with this....alas..............alas. Brief opening notes, basically because I doubt many of you actually read this part. Two opening notes really, let's go.... You know, usually when Uncle Eric comes up with a promotional idea, I go into it knowing two things: 1: It'll suck 2: It'll really be bad. So of course, enter the "MTV Ultimate Video Challenge". Held outdoors in a rainy New York City, the show managed to showcase all of WCW's mid carders (hate to tell ya', but DDP is still a mid carder...he is a VERY HIGH mid carder, but a mid carder just the same) in the WORST POSSIBLE LIGHT. I swear to you, I was actually CRINGING as I watched the thing. I ACTUALLY FELT BAD for Bischoff. The MTV announcers were totally clueless, Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko had absolutely nothing to do, and the crowd of about 50 made the whole thing look like WCW was nothing but an independant fed at the most. Some points I want to toss in.. - They couldn't re-schedule? It was cold and rainy, but they REALLY felt that the show had to go on? MTV couldn't wait a week? Is it THAT important that they play that "Road Rules 3" marathon again? - The voting was probably rigged. Do you really think that the last challenge was Raven's "Hole" vs DDP's "Van Halen" was just a coincidence? Besides, NOBODY can tabulate the voting that fast. - MTV cut the scheduled 4 hour show to 3 hours. They could have cut out another 2:55 and then...maybe..have something. - Raven was the best. He looked at the camera and said, "Vote for Hole, vote for Pearl Jam. I don't care, I just want to get out of this rain." - Why bring out the Ultimo Dragon? He doesn't speak a WORD OF ENGLISH!!!!!! Why use him to talk up a video? - This new MTV VJ....Jesse? I know that you kids voted for him because he seemed funny, and maybe you girls thought he was "cute"..but what you apparently didn't understand is that he is now going to be there ALL THE TIME!!! I promise you..you'll be sick of him within a month. Me? I would happily shove his head in a vice and squeeze until his eyeballs pop out. He offends just about every aspect of my being. - Diamond Dallas Page couldn't save this show..even though he really worked to give the viewers something. They were going to replay the show at around 11:30...thankfully, they skipped it. This should go down as nothing but a bad memory. But then again, it's WCW's attempt to "branch out". I'm sure that the next time Vince and co. pull off some sort of media promotional blitz, Eric will respond with some sort of "Hey WCW is here too!" promotion. Hopefully, the next idea Eric comes up with will be just as bad as this one....because then I'll NEVER run out of goofable material. Thanks Eric! Keep on bombing, brother! I want to thank Lady Miss Carrie for the wonderful complements in her "Into the Fyre" column here on SCOOPS and other places. Carrie really made me blush with her praise. I mean, I get praise like that privately from time to time, but when it's from a writer of RESPECT and actual SKILL..(Hell, she wrote for PWI for Chrissakes!), it means something. Go check out "Into the Fyre" here on SCOOPS and find out about this remarkable woman who may just be the most "connected" web writer in the sport of wrestling. Now, if she could only learn to like WCW...just a little. Oh yeah, since her column is also posted in the "Wrestlemaniacs" web page, it was kind of a kick to see me complemented over there. A rather surreal experience indeed....I'd say more, but SCOOPS hates it when I tease other sites.....so I won't. You know why SCOOPS really does rule? It's easy...unlike just about EVERY OTHER WEBSITE...we don't have to stop posting stuff up because of college exams. Jeezus...it seems this web basically grinds to a halt whenever mid terms and finals comes up. It's pretty funny really. I have to wonder though...do any of these guys ever GRADUATE? Okay, that's a lot to chew on...unless you skipped it, then you're here already, but if you're here already, then by the time I got here, you're already gone down to page two or the RAW Mop-Up...but then again, if your still reading this, then I'M the one who is lagging behind....Aw crap......the space/web continuuem always gives me a headache. The poll results are in the closer, but first you gotta stay here, because as usual..both feds have a JAM PACKED SHOW THAT'S CRITICAL TO THE CONTINUITY OF BOTH COMPANIES FOR ALL TIME!!!!!!! In other words...miss THIS show, and you'll NEVER catch up again...(Kind of like missing the first 2 minutes of the "X-Files"....you NEVER know what's happening afterwards). I could throw in some more hyperbole..but seeing how Nitro is back to 3 hours...and Tony has been eating ice cubes for the last 48 hours straight just do his voice can be in FULL HYPE THROTTLE for the next 3 hours..I'll let him do the work. NITRO (or Bischoff tells us to watch RAW) - opens with footage from last week where Bret Hart stopped Brian Adams from hitting the ring during the obligatory brawl during the last few seconds of the show. - opening theme. - Tony advised us to batten down the hatches because the big boys were back in town (his exact words). They were in Kansas City. - they went right to the announcers...Larry teased the crowd a little before standing up and waving...surprisingly enough, Tony didn't apoligize for the MTV fiasco. - Footage from last week's main event finish....ending with Bret and Brian Adams again. - Mean Gene Okerlund brought out Bret Hart. Could it be?? Is this finally the time?? Will Bret stop fingering us and get right down to business? WILL WE FINALLY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE GOD FORSAKEN QUESTION..WHY BRET??? WHY???? - sorry, but no...it is MUCH too early for that kind of revelation. All Bret did was talk about how Randy Savage avoided him for years, then "slinked off" to WCW (which is sort of a diss on WCW....don't you think?). Oh yeah, he also called Savage a big "chicken"..(he would have called him a "Hyena"....but Bischoff deemed it "too risque"). Bret didn't say much more than that....he just sold, sold, and sold his pink and black buttcheeks off to sell that damn PPV. - commercials. - Mean Gene was STILL in the ring when they came back..just so he could introduce the... - Nitro Girls..who came out one at a time in a rather loooong segment. At first I thought that someone missed their cue..because it took a while for the first one to come out. But no, WCW just wanted to kill some time...(and because those girls are just so friggin' POPULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY runs to the fridge during THEIR segments.) - Barry Horowitz....possibly the most successful jobber in the WWF took on Disco Inferno....possibly the most successful jobber in the WCW. Guess who won? - That's right..THE DISCO INFERNO BABY!!!! IF THAT DOESN'T TELL YOU THAT WCW RULES AND THE WWF SUCKS!!!! THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - and yes..it also means that we are quite possibly getting ready for the MIGHTY DINF PUSH: PHASE III.....call the neighbors. - And by the way..during this match, Tony announced that Nitro had "set the standards of pro wrestling for the 90's"..that is an arguable point, especially since they did it using stars, gimmicks, and angles from the 80's...but then again...Disco Inferno did beat Barry Horowitz...SO WCW RULES BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Randy Savage came out...(after another looong wait) and basically blew off Bret Hart. Instead, he challenged Hulk Hogan to "one more match" for later tonight....thus making it match # 1,232,656,002 between the two..AND it will probably mean pin #1, 232, 656,002 for Hogan...(Savage NEVER beats Hogan..so it is written, so it shall be). Nacho cheese called Hogan a "reject from a glue factory"....and also made mention of some of "Carrot" that Hogan had "dangling" (Did Bischoff write this script?) - Tony wisely decided to wait until Hogan actually accepted the challenge before declaring that tonight is gonna be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....so he didn't. - commercials - Kidman came out with Reese. You know something, Kidman's gimmick is that he has an itch.......and that's it. - Bischoff took one look at him and said, "You know, you'd be a great member of the Flock..you just need something to really identify you away from everyone else...hmm...let's see...Oh! I know...Every time you go to the ring..you have an ITCH!!! And your SCRATCHING IT!!! Then he sits back, lights one of those tubesteak cigars of his and says, "Eric my boy..you did it again!" - no joke here..he has an itch..THAT'S HIS GIMMICK!! - Anywhoo...Kidman's taking on Juventud Guerrera..who simply does not surrender....unless the price is right and/or a big push is promised. - By the way..I saw two signs for Mancow tonight....since Stern isn't on in Kansas City...you can't really blame the folks for supporting an imitator...but geeze...is the KC radio market really that weak? - after a FAST AND FURIOUS match...(during which I went to the can) Reese came out and made some trouble....Guerrera may not give up....but he damn sure still gets pinned. Kidman won. After which, Reese carried an out cold Guerrera away backstage as Kidman jumped on his back doggy style...making for a sight that is the closest thing to GAY PORN that I have ever seen since the Giant and the Yeti gave Hogan that double bear hug a few years back..(and since Reese WAS the Yeti...it makes me wonder what's the Dealie-Yo with HIM??) - If I may interrupt for a second...you know, my friend just got a motorcycle. He is a big guy...about 6 feet 2, running about 250 pounds. He likes his denim jackets, or maybe a little leather. He's got the shades, he's got the scrub beard, and he's got the longish hair. In short, it suits him just fine. Kids, you have to have a certain look when you ride a motorcycle. You have to look like you can eat a hundred yards of pavement on a skid out and stand up, hungry for more. A motorcycle is not for everyone....so take a long look at yourself in the mirror before deciding to buy one..because you DON'T want to look like a fool right? Good! Now back to the show.. - Eric Bischoff comes out riding a motorcycle....(sigh) - He hits the ring..and delivers the WEIRDEST..and perhaps DUMBEST monologue I have ever heard. The thrust of his chat was about one man and one man only..take a guess... - Hogan? Obvious choice..but no - Hart? nope - The Wolfpack? uh uh - THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!! No, but wouldn't it have been something? - Chris Hyatte..oh of course not. - Vince McMahon? ahhhhh yep - That's right folks...Eric Bischoff went off on VINCENT K. McF'K'N'MAHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The man who NOBODY is allowed to talk about on televison, on the hotlines, or on the WCW Website...but he is Eric Bischoff...and HE is the boss...so he can talk about what he wants. - Apparently, DX raised a little Hell at Bischoff's Atlanta office....that, coupled with DX's Norfolk raid a few weeks ago is really starting to get to him, because he addressed it..but NOT as Eric Bischoff, President of the Cosmos and All Governing Factions..but as Uncle Eric. Some things he said. - for the last couple of weeks, Vince has sent his little "wannabes" around to talk to him. The problem is that he sends these guys to places that Vince KNOWS Eric wouldn't be..(he's ACTUALLY tried to insinuate that DX is AFRAID of Bischoff??? And isn't it funny that he would call ANYBODY a "wannabe") - He talked about Sean Waltman..who wants an apoligy from Bischoff. Bischoff said, "Bite me, I apoligize to no one" - Then, since Bischoff was coming to Vince's "backyard" this Sunday...(well..umm...Worcester Mass is not THAT close to Stanford Conn....but I get the point), Eric challenged Vince to a one on one match at Slamboree.... - allow me to re-iterate...BISCHOFF CHALLENGED VINCE AT SLAMBOREE!!!!!!!!!!!! - Then, of course...he told the audience not to buy the PPV if they think he'll show up...because Vince isn't "man enough" to mess with him. - (by the way...when Bischoff mentioned Vince's name...it seemed to me that most of the crowd cheered...but maybe that was the beer talking) - Of course, Tony was too stunned for words..(Hell..he only managed two quick HYPES). Tenay and Larry were the same...the acted like this was some sort of really big deal. - Eric must have been PISSED OFF to do that...you know what he did? He basically told us to TUNE INTO RAW TO SEE IF VINCE RESPONDS!!!!!!!!! JEEZUS CHRISTMAS..HE JUST HANDED RAW THE RATINGS!!!!!!!!!!! - And if there is one SINGLE person out there who thinks that Vince would show up Sunday...you should quit watching this sport now..you're just too damn dumb. Other than the shock value of seeing Bischoff tell everyone to watch RAW for a response from Vince....this was strictly "tough guy" stuff. - speaking of dumb...ERIC JUST GAVE EVERYONE A REASON TO WATCH RAW TONIGHT!!! He is not that dumb a guy! Why would he try that? Lordy..DX must REALLY be getting to him...I hope they keep it up..because Eric is CRACKING UP!!!!!! - commercials - It's funny, Tony, Tenay, and Larry tried just about every way to talk about Bischoff's challenge..without ONCE mentioning the challengEE's name...it was laughable. - Alex Wright danced with the Nitro Girls..until Dillenger and his Demon Hordes whisked him away to the nether regions of UrAnus. - Yuji Nagata took on Scott Norton. As Norton came to the ring, he demanded that the camera be taken away from his face....probably so he wouldn't lick it when he stuck that tongue of his out.. - They fought, they screamed, Norton had his tongue out, Nagata went down quickly and painlessly (Hey, it's wrestling!). - commercials - Geno plugged the Hotline....my thoughts exactly - Tony showed us footage from last week where Hennig joined the Wolfpack. - Hugh Morris came out with Jimmy Hart...they took on Jim Powers....could this be it? COULD THIS BE THE LONG AWAITED PUSH FOR JIM POWERS??? A MAN WHO HAS TOILED AWAY IN OBSCURITY FOR YEARS???? A MAN WHOSE DEDICATION FORCED HIM TO SPEND EVERY DIME HE EVER MADE ON THE STUFF HE STICKS IN HIS ARM WITH A NEEDLE???? IS IT FINALLY TIME TO PUSH THE DETERMINED MR JAMES POWERS????????????????? - nope. Hugh wasted him in about 10 seconds....it wasn't even funny. - They were ABOUT to break for some.... - commercials - BUT...Kevin Nash and Konan came down to the ring through the seats. Nash was slapping palms along the way...so I guess he is a face now eh? - Of course..someone remembered that RAW was about to come on..and it wouldn't be all that bright to be in commercials for the RAW beginning..so they quickly shifted gears...(Don't know why they bothered...BISCHOFF JUST SET IT UP SO WE'LL WATCH RAW ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeeze..he must have been RIPPED). - In the ring, Kevin Nash explained that he and Scott Hall were the ones who CREATED the New World Order, and that Hogan was in the mountains, making a movie...("Santa with Muscles" was probably the blockbuster he was doing...remember that one? Oh of course you don't). He claimed that Hogan saw where the wind was blowing and hopped on board. You can figure it out. - commercials
Go To Page 2