Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro 5/11/98 . . . It only gets worse from here - The second hour erupts with a fury.... - The Ultimo Dragon hits the ring to take on....RICKY STEAMBOAT'S LAWYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - no, of course not...he was fighting a newcomer STRAIGHT from the mind of Eric Bischoff.....he's young, he's good looking, he's got long hair, he has a "way" with the ladies, no..it ain't Val Venis...it's none other than the SENSES SHATTERING DEBUT OF....... - JOHNNY SWINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Yes..you heard me right..Johnny SWINGER... - Suddenly, I miss Vinny Vegas. - anywhoo...Swinger made the crucial mistake of turning his back on Ultimo and DANCING...(AGAIN WITH THE DANCING??? methinks DINF will have something to say about THAT....as will Alex Wright) - Ultimo won...right after Chavo Guerrero came out to cheer him on..after the win, Eddie ran out to slap Chavo around for pulling nice guy stunts like that...Chavo pushed back...knocked Eddie down....The Ultihomo snuck up behind him and put Eddie in the Dragon Sleeper...Chavo pulled him off of Eddie.....the angle progressed slowly, but surely...meanwhile, Ultimo STILL has no idea just who this "Madonna" is. - Now THIS brings me back....Dusty Rhodes comes out and PREACHES to the masses. Because I am as close to "marking" out as I can possibly come..I shall transcribe the speech for you right now... "Cut the musaac. Let me lay sometin' on everybodaay that's watchin' right now. B'fore this night is ooooovaaaaa, before aaaaaalllllll the tickets are turned in, b'fore aaaalllll the monaaay has been counnnteeed, Kevin Nash is goin' be in yo' face Hollywood HULK Hogan, and I guarentee you that muccchh. Let me go on with it 'cause I gotta filibuster just a lil beeiit. Hollywood HULK Hogan and Eric Bischoff you are sittin' and eatin' at the table that the American Dream set for ya' many years ago! You are not doin' RIGHT by everybody in the New World Orrdaaa, tryin' to destroy the Wolf Pack. Firin' SYXX, Eric Bischoff, yeah, I know alllll about FIRIN'S Eric Bischoff. Let me tell ya' somethin', then you come out and talk about...Scott Hall who is not here. A long time ago, Scott Hall caaaame to the American Dream, he offer'd up his innocence...I did not PAIIIIY him back..in scorn. I brought him EEEIN and gave him....SHELTA from the stooorrrm. He became, the coolest dude on the planet. Let me tell ya' 'bout..personal problems. Eric Bischoff...you know about PERSONAL problemmmms, me and you KNOW about PERSONAL problems. Right now, Scott Hall is goin' through a time when he has...a personal problem. He's gonna FIX that problem. Make NOOO mistake about it, he goin' be at Slamboree, he goin' BE at the paa...at the Pay Per View. Kevin Nash, you go take care of yo' bizzness. Let me tell ya' sumtin' else, Randy Savage, YOU NEED TO STOP....BEEITCHIN' You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, you need to STOP it right now. The Wolfpack has NO peckin' ordaa. I always looked eye to eye with Hollywoooood, Scott Hall, I just talked to hiiieeem. Personal problems aside... he weeeell be at the pay per view. Big words were spoken tonight, BIG.. BIG WOOOOOOORDS were spoken around the WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD for everybody to hear, but hear me nooooow, Scott Hall will be there, and BEFORE this night is ovaaa, Kevin Nash will be in yo' UGLY, UGLY MUG Hollywooooood HULK..HOGAN..That's the deal brothaaa's" - I don't have a word to say....other than...LONG LIVE THE MUTHAF&%^$#$@ AMERICAN DREAM BAAAYBAAAY. - commercials - Goldberg hits the ring to take on some idiot that Tenay REALLY tried to talk up...he actually had the K-JONES to call the opponent, "an accomplished grappler"....guess what happened? - yep..you got it. - and I didn't even mention the guy's name....not that it mattered. - Do you think Bischoff "created" Goldberg...or just "lucked out"? - commercials - Footage from that crapfest on MTV last Saturday...Tony couldn't hide his embarrassment. - Gene Okerlund brought out JJ Dillon..and Raven. Apperently, Raven is sick and tired of getting attacked by DDP, as well as those "fan attacks", all the time and threatened Dillon with a lawsuit unless he could stop this.....still shaken up from that WWF Steriod case from years back, JJ promptly gave Raven some added protection and brought out FOUR riot control guards to cover Raven's ass at all times.....(Well, first ECW, then the WWF..now WCW is using riot guards....the circle is now complete). Happy that his ass is protected...(still, he'd better watch out for those clubs the guards are carrying....don't turn your back Mr. Flamingo), Raven went on to other business and brought out the Flock.. - and out came the Flock..with Hammer taking the time to look at the camera and say, "I'm still HERE!" In the ring, Raven mentioned that Hammer won a "Loser Leave the Flock" match against Saturn...but it was under unusual circumstances...so to be fair, let's have another go round between Saturn and Hammer... - out came Saturn..with his hair freshly buzzed down...(Can't be a tough guy with a raging case of male patterned baldness now can ya'?). Kidman grabbed the mic and said, "Yeah, this is a Loser Leave the Flock Match...and Hammer..YOU'RE THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THEM ALL!!!" The Flock attacked Hammer and pretty much helped Saturn get rid of him..Raven re-took the mic and said, Saturn is my ENFORCER...he's in the Flock forever..(Enforcer? Backstage, Arn Anderson was SCREAMING, "THAT'S MY SPOT!!! I NEVER GAVE HIM MY FU*&^%^$# SPOT THAT C*&*^ S@#$^%!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then he kicked over a trash can...hey..Arn isn't the man he used to be...kicking over trash cans is about all he can do nowadays.") - By the way...Raven challenged Page to a "Bowery Street Match" in a cage (???? Does that make sense?) where the loser can't make the ten count....(I'll make the GUESS right now....Raven will end up with both hands handcuffed to the cage..and Page will take a chair and knock him over the head.....seeing how Raven is bringing back ALL his moves from ECW..this one is only natural!) - By the way..the DUMBEST man on the planet has GOT to be Jerry Flynn..because he actually ran into the ring and attacked the Saturn while everyone was still there.....still, Saturn went after him alone and quickly won.... - by the way...how can the Flock be "Disallusioned YOUTHS" when one of them is balder than Okerlund? Maybe they should be called, "Disallusioned Thirtysomethings"? - They REPLAYED the Bischoff challenge....that sound you hear is thousands and thousands of remote buttons being pressed to RAW...to see if Vince accepts the challenge. - commercials - Footage from last week where Fit Finely beat Booker T. - Fit Finely comes out to face Rage of High Voltage....(His parents must have been stoned when he was born)...Bobby Heenan joined the fun.. - Booker T came out and made sure that Chaos didn't help his partner win....I have no clue as to why.. - one thing leads to your mother and... - Benoit and Booker start to throw down at ringside...so angry were they that they didn't even heed the warning of the DarkChylde Dillenger, who led the UnHoly Brigade to break them off. JJ Dillon came out and said, "F-It..you two wanna fight? Then FINE...you fight tonight and the winner gets Fat Ass at Slamboree". Everyone agreed and the segment ended. - Well, it obvious that Uncle Eric is backstage, making EVERYONE hop to and do what he says..because they inexplicably run the challenge to Vince AGAIN....(I wonder..does ANYONE advise Eric as to how ridiculous this makes him look?) - commercials - How 'bout dem NITRO GIRLS??????? How 'bout dem? - Another Nitro Party...I think it's the same one from two weeks ago...they just made the kids change shirts! IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELLS YA'!!! - Lenny Lane (whose parents must have been REALLY stoned when he was born) came out to fight DDP.....guess who won? - After the match...Page grabbed the mic and offered to BANG Raven on live TV.....Raven came out with his Riot Guards and just looked at him....(hmm...Page or the clubs?.....Which one do I pick?) - Once again..they play the Bischoff challenge. - commercials - The Third Hour bangs out with... - Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, The Disciple, Brian Adams, and Vincent. Hogan plants a wet kiss on Bischoff's cheek....and I SWEAER I saw a look of heartbreak on Beefcake's face as soon as he did it. Hulky laughed about Bischoff's challenge, calling it a "joke". - Oddly enough, both Hogan and ButtCrack had shaved their beards, but let new ones stubble over....remember that "Gay Porn" comment a while back? Well here comes the flashback. - I just KNOW that Bischoff was looking for some anti-WWF and/or Vince sign to hold up before he hit the ring...but there was none to be found. - In the ring, Hogan talked and talked about whatever the F&%$ he talks about...(it's all the same). He claimed that HE was the one who started to NWO....then he called out Nash... - and out came Nash..... - In the ring, Nash BITCHSLAPPED HOGAN VERBALLY AND MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT....the exchange went like this.. Hogan: "How're you doing big man?" Nash: "First off, before you open your mouth, why don't you take your wife's sunglasses off! Ha haaa!" Hogan: "Right after you take your sister's teeth back off, I saw you putting them on a couple of weeks ago in the dressing room." Nash: "What are you checking me out for big man?" Hogan: "You're just too sweet." Nash: "I am sexy" - Obviously, Hogan was getting a TAD uncomfortable swimming in these waters...not to mention that he was getting his ass kicked...so he went on to business and demanded that Nash beg him for forgiveness and end this silliness... - Nash said that he didn't think he would have a problem taking out these four stooges that Hogan had surrounded himself with...so he won't be begging for anything other than a ticket back to the WWF once he got backstage.. - Hogan told Nash that he had a "big gun" up his sleeve and called out someone... - Then Nash attacked Hogan's boys as... - The GIANT came down the ring wearing NWO whites....thing is...the Giant isn't built for speed so... - Nash had plenty of time to knock out Adams, Vincent, and go after Beefcake...who cowered in the ropes...(NOT THE FACE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD..DON'T HIT MY FACE!!!!!!!!!) - The Giant eventually did hit the ring..attacked Nash, things progressed and.. - Hogan stood over Nash as the Giant spraypainted "NWO" on Nash's back...Nash had enough wits left in him to carefully hold his hair up so it wouldn't get painted. Hogan horsely screamed that this is what Bischoff is going to do with Vince McMahon..... - K-BALD led the NWO Red team to make the save...apparently, Dusty is totally Wolfpack (there goes the balance of power). - commercials - Tony ponders the consequences of the Giant going NWO...then stated that one thing is perfectly clear through all this...we are very much smack dab in the middle of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! - Footage from last week where Jericho badmouthed Dean Malenko.. - Then Jericho was in the ring with Okerlund..he had a tripod set up with a sheet covering Malenko's picture... - I'm going to rush through this..basically because I want to...Jericho said that he was retireing the Cruiserweight belt...because he beat everyone...Dillon came out and said that he had to defend the belt against the winner of the Cruiserweight Battle Royal at Slamboree...Jericho was happy to oblige. Jerichio took off the sheet to show that he did some creative artwork on the Malenko picture...then JOE Malenko came out to take offense at Jericho's antics....Jericho ended up attacking Joe Malenko with Rey Mysterio's knee...(don't ask). - commercials - Glacier was backstage. He SAID (!!!!????) that he came to WCW with a lot of fanfare and hype..and he managed to LIVE UP TO IT ALL!!!!!!! (SPITTAKES GALORE on that one...including chunks of Doritos that I didn't get to swallow yet). Glacier also said that since he invented the "Cryonic Kick" he would attack anyone else who tried to use it...(uh oh...HBK better lock his doors). - Then Sick Boy came to the ring to take on the fresh push of Glacier.....Saturn came out midway and gave Glacier the very same Cryonic Kick...(Stick THAT in your crack pipe and smoke it Gimmick MAN!!!)..still, Glacier got the pin...but Saturn attacked again anyway.. - commercials - footage from last week dealing with the Steiner issue...not all that important since both of them are injured for a while... - Mean Gene brings out Lex Luger..who is SO ANGRY about the utter BETRAYAL of the Giant that he demanded JJ Dillon to sign him up for a match against either Steiner or Adams at Slamboree....(Dammit...now I HAVE to see it!!!!) - commercials - Benoit took on Booker T. Benoit won with the Crippler Crossface...forgive me, but I just can't get jacked for a match that I've seen several times already. - commercials - Michael Buffer was in the ring..he said, and I quote.... "You have been witnessed to what may go down in History as the GREATEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" - Too bad the show has sucked so far. - Oh yes, he also said that this was a rematch that the WORLD has been waiting for....so forgive him if his opinions seems a little out of touch. - Anyway..he brought out Savage - Then he brought out Hogan.. - It was the same match they have had since the 80's....Hell, not even Tony was able to sell it as the most important match in the history of time as he did a few weeks ago. - Bret Hart ran in, hit Savage over the head, and laid Hogan on top of him... - The ref made the count...(if you were surprised that Savage didn't beat Hogan....you are hereby BANNED from watching ANYMORE wrestling EVER...on the grounds that you are MUCH too STUPID) - Nash came in to check on Savage... - PIPER came into the ring and announced that Savage was the WINNER by DQ...(doesn't matter..Hogan still has never jobbed to Savage,...and never will). - Quickly, because even I'm sick of this crap..Piper announced that he will be the guest ref for the Hart/Savage match at Slamboree....and he even managed to get in a Dr. Ruth Westheimer joke somewhere in there. - The show ended with a shot of Sting....BACK IN THOSE DAMN RAFTERS!!!!!!!!!! Tony ended the show by saying, "What is on this man's mind right now?" (So the deal here is that whenever Sting needs to do some "heavy thinking"....he runs back up to the rafters.) What was he thinking? Probably..."What the Hell has Bischoff done to my career?" It wasn't the best Nitro..and it wasn't even that good. Sorry...but 3 hours does NOT mean 2 hours and 35 minutes of jobbish matches and never ending angles. Plus, Bischoff outdid himself in terms of incompetant strategy and ego stroking. I'll probably get ripped on from seeming so anti-WCW...but I was still stewing from that embarrassing MTV thing..which made me want to quit watching wrestling forever. Time to recap RAW...so let's go... Chris Hyatte
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