Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 5/11/98 . . . Screw it..let's just get to it.. RAW IS WAR (or Nothing like a little head) - opens with a summary of last week's Vince/Foley/Austin love triangle - opening theme - Firweworks go off as JR welcomes us to Baltimore, Maryland. He waited about 15 seconds before announcing that DX "assaulted" the WCW offices today in Atlanta...(ohhh, so that's what Eric was talking about)...pretty smart on Jimbo's part really..bring it up quick, so folks who listened to Bischoff earlier will want to stay tuned. - Right off the bat, out came Vincent K. (Why are these birds trying to land on my head?) McMahon. Walking with his head held up, his chest sticking out, and his ass tightly bunched in...he also had a wide smile on his face. - grabbing the mic, Vince said that Austin will be in a tag team match later on tonight.....LIVE!!!! (Don't even think about switching to Nitro...WE ARE LIVE DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - Then Vince introduced a man who "unquestionably has proven...that he is willing to MAKE A SACRIFICE..( Make a Sacrifice? MY GOD!! FATU IS BACK!!!!! ONLY FATU CAN MAKE A SACRIFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - oh...wait a sec...Fatu (The Sultan..in case I'm losing you) was the one who wanted to "Make a DIFFERENCE"...not SACRIFICE.....sorry...my bad...ahem. - Anywhoo...Vince brought out the "Number 1 contender"..and brought out Dude Love.. - Only it wasn't Dude Love as we know him..instead, it was Dude Love: Corporate Brown Noser! Dressed in a shirt, tie, sportsjacket, and sweat pants...(You try getting that ass in a pair of Armani slacks...you just TRY!). He was also carrying a Wall Street Journal. He was clean shaven (still with the beard....more goatee than anything else) had his hair cut, straightened, and ponytailed...had his FALSE TEETH IN!!!!, and was wearing a pair of glasses. (He kinda looked like a Professor at Berkley...circa: 1969....or...he kinda looked like the "Genius" Lanny Poffo after a reeeeally long weekend with Jack Daniel and Jim Beam.....((God knows I've been there))) - In the ring, Dude Love announced that he finally knew who he was: He was: 1) A speaker of four different languages. 2) A reader of Greek Tragedy 3) A student of American History 4) A lover of women (Patterson started to cry when he heard that....Pat had hopes...Oh Lordy...Pat had hopes) 5) A leader of men..(Patterson started to cheer up...perhaps he had a shot after all....just perhaps) 6) A surprisingly good dancer for a big man. - Then, Dude Love said that he had "lost his smile"...and only with Vince's help, was he able to get it back.....(Somewhere in San Antonio..Shawn Michaels kicked in the TV set and started to scream, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGHH"...you see..Shawn's back was still hurting him...so that superkick to the screen pretty much jammed it up. - Foley ended by hugging Vince. Vince grabbed the mic and brought out the guest time keeper for the main event for "Over the Edge"...out came Gerald Brisco (Ross snottily wondered if Vince would throw in a plug for the Brisco Auto Service) .....then he introduced the guest ring announcer....and out came Pat Patterson...who came out with a wide grin (Through the laughter though...he was crying...oh yes...he was crying...the tears of a clown, for when there's no one around). - Then Vince introduced the referee...he introduced him as such.. "This man stands tall..indeed he stands tall amid and ABYSS (he mispronounced it) of mediocrity...this man's sheer physical presense is nothing short of awe inspiring....this guest referee is a man of principal to the extent that he can swim in the sea of temptation and never run amok. He will set new standards in officiating here in the World Wrestling Federation...Dude, I give you your guest REFEREE!!!!" and pointed to the entranceway.. - nobody came out. - Vince told them to hit the music.. - still nobody. - So Vince walked out and went backstage - Now there was some stalling as they waited. It was a rather boring moment...watching Brisco squint, Foley try not to scratch himself, and Patterson stare at their asses...but eventually, after getting a cue from Jim Ross..Patterson introduced the ref.. - and out came Vincent K (Bischoff is a homo) McMahon dressed in a sleeveless ref shirt (the better to give all the young girls a thrill). He hit the ring and they all celebrated..I'll tell ya' this much...$50,000 sez that Vince could stick his boots in Eric's tushy and surf him to Stanford should he ever show up in Worcester...he's a big dude. - Kevin Kelly was patiently waiting for Austin to pull in...Sable walked by him. He tried to grab an interview with her, but she blew him up...Kevin looked as if he was re-living High School all over again. - Hmm...Ross and Kole weren't wearing their RAW jackets as Ross almost giggled in excitment as he brought us to... - A little DX at CNN Center teaser..basically, computer graphics spraypainted "DX RULES WCW SUCK IT" on the photograph of the building..then XPac yelled "Suck It" - commercials - Then they went to the footage. First off, DX, in full military gear, went to the WCW offices in Atlanta...but it was NOT the one at CNN Center!!!! (I should know..I spent three glorious days in Atlanta two summers ago...I stayed at the Omni Hotel at CNN Center...great place..I recommend it) - anywhoo..The thrust of this skit was how DX tried to get into the office, but the security guards wouldn't let them in. They were polite to everyone who went in..and at one point, Billy Gunn talked about how much nicer Titan Towers was compared to this building. A cool moment was when a couple of ladies got in their car, but not before screaming, "DX RULES" to the camera...(okay, maybe it was an edit....but what the Hell). Then they hinted that nobody was there because they were too busy giving free Nitro tickets away...(UH OH....TONY IS GOING TO HAVE KITTENS WHEN HE HEARS THAT ONE!!! or maybe he'll just eat kittens...you never know with Tony) - Back to Kevin Kelly, standing behind a garage door that was being banged on. Figuring that it was Austin, he opened it...it wasn't... - It was Al Snow with his head. He was wearing that too funny J.O.B. Squad shirt. The crowd started to cheer. Apparently, Snow had tickets to the show and was trying to get to his seats. His head told him to go over there..(well..the script told him that..but you know). After a bit of arguing, Kelly sent Snow away. - Vader made his WWF return in fine shape....and a few pounds lighter. He took on Barry Windham with Cornette and the Midnight Express at ringside.. - Faster than you can say,"What the F$#@ happened to Windham's push against Bradshaw?" Vader pinned him. The Midnight Express tried...but you know...go figure it out. Windham was left in the ring, holding his head and screaming, "WHY THE F&%^ DID VINCE MAKE ME BLEACH MY HAIR AGAIN?? WHY OH WHY???" - How's this for a set up..when pushing the Ultimate Death Match on MTV...(or whatever it is..that stuff with the clay puppets)..Ross said that Austin will (kinda) be there...he also said, and I quote, "It won't be a wrestling embarrassment on MTV..it will be on....rain or shine!" (Hey...even you hardcore WCWers have to admit...Saturday was a bust) - commercials for that MTV puppet thingy...an Austin puppet was there...as was Austin's voice. Hey, if Austin commentated like he did last week..it'll be cool. - Kevin Kelly was backstage as Steve Austin pulled in...he promised to speak to him during the... - commercials - So, Kelly told Austin about the bad news concerning the Over the Edge main event and the fact that he would be in a tag match later tonight against ??? and he would be teaming with ??? Austin reacted the way he gets paid to react. He used the word "ass", "bitch", and "Hell" a lot. Then he went looking for Vince...and he was a little pissed off...as we could see. - Sunny brought the LOD 2000 to the ring for a one on one match aginst the DOA.....No sense in telling you who was fighting one on one....because it was basically a four way brawl anywhoo. - Those nasty old DOAers pulled the old switcherooni...(which is basically the SPINEROONI...but with a "pinch" instead of a "swirl"....my little salute to "Seinfeld") and one of them scored the pin. Hawk and Animal protested....Sunny was too busy staring at her breasts to care. - more fun with DX in Atlanta...this time, they were at CNN Center...unfortunately, CNN security was all over the camera man's bad self..thus, they only showed some video clips over the DX theme music...they looked to be really polite to the fans..it looked more like an autograph session than anything else. - commercials - spot for Adam "Man.. Am I pretty" Copeland....something tells me he will be incorporating the moniker, "The Edge" in his name....the spot reminds me of Sting's crow spots...which makes me uneasy. - Now this was just too stupid for words......Bradshaw was reaching Taka Michinoku how to drive and smoke a cigar. I swear I heard Bradshaw say, "Hey pal...that ain't the gear shift!"...but I could be wrong...they took off into the street. I KNOW that I heard this exchange...figure out who said what: "What are you doing? I said GO" "Yes, you said LOW" "No, I didn't say ROW, I said GO" - civilization takes a huge step backwards! - They came back...and were attacked by the Klub Kamikazee any actualy selling of their punches was purely accidental. - Tennessee Lee brought out Jeff Jarrett.... - Faarooq came out to fight him..Steve Blackman was along for the ride. - It was pretty cool to see the HEEL get double teamed as Jarrett took a Blackman beating whenever he was thrown outside...VERY cool indeed..especially that MASSIVE front kick that nearly went through Jarrett's chest. - Then the Nation came out and attacked....Jarrett grabbed a pair of nunchakus and attacked Blackman with some excellant shots indeed. Ross screamed that Jarrett has never had such a bloodthirsty look on his face before. You know, Jarrett has one of the BEST won/lost records in the company..he never loses...not really. - Austin was seen backstage, making his way to the ring. He passed right by HHH, who looked to be reading his script (well, he was reading something). - commercials...including a WAY cool commercial for the Brisco Auto Body Shop...voiced over by Vince McMahon. The slogan was, "Brisco Auto Body Shop located in Tampa Florida: It's Worth the Drive." You gotta love it. - Ross didn't...first words out of his mouth was, "Good God, Stop the Insanity". Then he introduced us to someone who plays for the Baltimore Ravens.....didn't pay much attention really. - Austin came out..Ross screamed that there was "no other WWF champion that has had the deck stacked against him like Austin has".....(Really Jimbo? November 22 1997? Survivor Series? BRET HART?????????) - Austin grabbed the mic and said that it didn't matter what the odds were...blah blah blah.....then he asked Vince to come on out there and spill the beans about who he is supposed to fight tonight.. - Vince came on the TitanTron with Brisco and Patterson. Instead of giving any such info...Brisco, Vince and Patterson put there hands over their ears, eyes, and mouth respectably...(Patterson tried to place his hands....elsewhere....but Vince gave him a sharp look...Pat had to settle for his mouth). - Austin ended things by promising to stick his belt up Vince's...well, you can figure it out. - Shot of Sable backstage, warming up. - commercials - some of Val Venis's vignettes combined together....guess he is "inches" away from making his debut...(ooh I just kill me). - RAW IS WAR becomes the WARZONE....Oh thank Christ - Sable came out....well, her cans came out and she followed about two seconds later. She hit the ring, grabbed the mic, and called out Mero.. - Lawler joined the fun..and started to drool..(boy, Jerry hasn't been this excited since he cruised by that Girl Scout meeting last week). Ross gave me the giggles when he said, "Easy, Uncle Jerry" - Mero came out. They started to dance around the ring a little...obviously, Mero had an emergency meeting with Ike Turner earlier..and was ready to jam. Ike told him, "Remember, if your hand starts to hurt, then use your boot!" Ike knows his stuff....(The Mop-Up, Chris Hyatte, and SCOOPS does NOT advocate physical abuse in any way, shape, or form....but we DO understand that sometimes, a good ass whuppin' is needed to put women and children in their place....we don't CONDONE it..but we understand) - Before anything could happen, Sable grabbed the mic and said that she couldn't believe that Mero would take this so far, but she will be happy to give him her best. - Mero grabbed her and put her in the Sumo drop position...ready to drop her in the TKO.....instead, he put her down and told her that he was too much of a gentleman to do that. Mero promised to end this, so long as Sable apoligize to him in front of everyone watching for trying to ruin his career in the WWF. - Sable said, "You want me to apoligize?" - Mero said yes. - OH GOD..IF THIS CHICK SAYS, "BITE ME"..I AM QUITTING THE MOP-UP, SHAVING MY HAIR, CASTRATING MYSELF, PUT ON BLACK CLOTHES, WHITE NIKES, DRINK A QUART OF CYANIDE, THROW A PURPLE SHROUD OVER MY FACE, AND GO VISIT GOD IN A SPACESHIP...I SWEAR I'LL DO IT..I SWEAR I SWEAR I SWEAR - Oh good..she just kicked him in the nads and POWERBOMBED HIM!!!!!!! Hyatte gets to live...until that coronary comes in and knocks my ass back to the Stone Age at least. - And yes..it was a HELL of a powerbomb. - Sable walked away..Mero kicked the ropes in rage and humiliation. - Ross and Lawler were talking up what just happened when... - The Undertaker came out of nowhere and stalked Lawler...Apparently, UT was a wee bit miffed at those "slipping the salami" and "burying the bologna" lines from last week..and decided to take umbridge with the King. He knocked him around some, tossed him in the ring, was about to Tombstone his royal ass when.. - The lights went out..red lights came on, the music played (not in that order..but screw it)... - and Kane came out with Paul Bearer. Nutshelled...Bearer promised to show PROOF the he really was Kane's daddy...(he held on to UT's mother's panties is my best GUESS.....but what do I know? I'm still a virg....WHOOA..forget that..sorry..nevermind...aHem) - anywhoo..Kane and Bearer left and UT STILL gave Lalwler the Tombstone....Lawler was out cold..(Ohh, so Mr. 'taker fancies himself a tough guy eh? Well why doesn't he try this crap in MEMPHIS?? IF THIS WERE MEMPHIS, LAWLER WOULD SEND THE DEAD MAN BACK TO HELL WITH A CROWN UP HIS TUCKUS!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE KING IN MEMPHIS DADDY-OO.............. NO F&*^%$^%# WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Unfortunately...this is Baltimore...Lawler lost his super powers...alas - commercials - Jimbo was alone..and sweating chicken fat about it when.. - Al Snow and the Head took a seat next to him and placed a spare set of headphones on his mannequin head. Ross asked him what THEY were doing there....implying that he could get in trouble. Snow asked what they could do to him? Fire him? - Next thing we know..WWF security ganged up on him and tried to escort him away.....DOUG DILLENGER WAS LEADING THE CHARGE!!!! GOD IN HEAVEN!! THE DARK CHYLDE HAS LEFT WCW TO SPREAD HIS EVIL INTO THE WWF!!!!! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!!!!!!!!! - oh..wait a second..it was Patterson...sorry 'bout that. The thing is...he moved an AWFUL lot like Dillenger....almost as if....oh no... - oh Dear God no....Doug Dillenger..who I am now convinced is the AntiChrist has POSSESSED THE SPIRIT OF PAT PATTERSON AND IS MAKING HIM DO HIS BIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hell, considering Patterson's reputation...it only makes sense). - By the way, Snow was able to get into the ring and wave the head to the crowd..they didn't seem all too sure what to do..but trust me, in about a month...Snow will be HOT...trust me..just bring a styrofoam head to the arena when he's there..then you'll know what to do. - Last bit with DX....computer graphics blast out the CNN Center. - DX comes to the ring. Instead of Triple H, it is XPac who took the mic first...(methinks a rebuttal to one Eric Bischoff is forthcoming....methinks Eric will be invited to "suck it" - After telling the sound guy to turn that theme crap off..(These kids nowdays..with all that..."hip-hop") and after demanding that Baltimore make some noise....the Artist formally known as Syxx indeed opened his mouth and had some choice words for His Bischoffness...to wit: "Eric Bischoff, I don't know what you've been smoking pal, but I've never asked for an apoligy, I've never asked for anything, except that you be a man pal and not just at you're own conveinence. And as far as me kissing ass, I don't kiss Vince McMahon's ass, and I didn't kiss yours, and that's why I don't work for you anymore...so SUCK IT!" - Then he handed it off to Road Dog, who started in on his standard, "Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls...etc etc etc" stuff that I really don't think belongs here. In fact, I STILL say that the New Age Outlaws don't belong in Degeneration X...that was until... - never in a million years did I think I would hear it.... - But it happened...as Road Dog introduced the world tag team champs, he yelled out his name and Billy Gunn's name...then he screamed the "NEW AGE OUTLAAAAAAAAAWS"...that was all well and good...the usual stuff..........except..... - The fans SCREAMED THE NAME OUT WITH HIM???? The NAO were TOTALLY OVER with the crowd!!!! I couldn't believe it?? - and THEN, as Road Dog got into his "YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODAAAAYYYYYYY" The fans chanted along with him AGAIN! Good Lord! I launched a MONSTER SPITTAKE on that sucker...if I had a clear view for over a MILE I wouldn't have seen it coming!! HHH I can see, XPac, most definitely..but those two? Amazing! - Incidentally, Jim Ross had two cute things to say...first: Whgen XPac mentioned Bischoff's name, he said, "Who?" Second: During Road Dog's speech, the camera focused on a lady looking on with a dumbfounded look on her face...Ross chimed in with, "I don't understand it either lady." - Then, HHH took the mic, and he was sporting a CNN Center pass hanging from his belt. He started to do his "goof" on Michael Buffer, then did the obligatory reference to his enormous genitalia....(again..this crowd was into it..the girls were SHRIEKING when he went into that subject matter...can't wait to see what happens when Val Venis makes his debut.) - And then.....basically because he is a Canadian and they can't STAND this kind of subject matter....(Canada's idea of porno is the outtake from the "Sound of Music" where Julie Andrews shows her boobs)...Owen Hart comes out and says that he is sick of this crap and isn't taking it anymore....Owen comes to the ring claiming to take care of some unfinished business. Liking the odds here, HHH happily accepts the challenge. Owen makes his way to the ring... - He gets halfway there, smiles, and waves to the entrance way.. - Next thing we hear, Rocky Maivia's voice is heard saying, "You smell what the Rock is cooking?" - and out comes the Nation...in full force. Jim Ross hollers that even though nobody gave him a script this week, he knows for damn sure that Owen and HHH are gonna GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!! - commercials - So HHH and Owen are going at it with DX and the Nation around the ring. Jim Cornette joined JR to help him out while the King gets "medical attention" (IE: A local High School was having there annual "Freshmen Frolic" down the road, and Lawler had to get there to..."chaperone"..if you know what I mean...heh heh) - This was pretty cool..two heel teams going at it. With HHH getting the majority of the cheers. Meanwhile, Cornette made a crack about how it takes a real "weasel to make a challenge when you know that the other guy won't accept it." The Ross and Cornette reminisced about the "looong hours" that they used to spend at CNN Center. - It was a pretty good match really...then it ended after Chyna started to threaten everyone with a chair....it spilled into the ring and pretty much disintergrated right there..oh yes, Owen bit a chunk out of Helmsley's ear as well....(Which is his way of telling us that this is a NEW, IMPROVED, HEEL OWEN. He is MAD AS HELL, AND IS NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - commercials - Ross and Cornette replay what just happened... - Out to the entrance way came Goldust...without his outfit, makeup, wig, or chicky....he is dragging a barrel with him, as well as a can. - He dumps his Goldust clothes and wig..(I know I just said that he didn't have them..what I MEANT was that he didn't have them ON!! See? SEE??...aww bite me..I'm tired). He dumped the stuff in the can in the barrel, dropped a match, and lit it on fire. - With the mic, The AFAG....(with a K in there somewhere) said that he was MAD AS HELL, AND WASN'T IT TAKING IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - then someone ran to him and told him that he was reading Owen's lines in the script...he quickly showed Dustin where HIS lines were... - So, he said that he was SICK of Vince McMahon making a monkey out of him. He blamed Vince for losing his dignity, his father, and his wife and daughter. You can see where this went right? Goldust died..long live DUSTIN RHODES...(or Runnels..whichever) Now here is the cool part of all this...as Dustin spoke, a fan was heard very loudly yelling back to him...here is what the fan said.. Dustin: (After going through how Vince made him lose everything he had)..."And why?" Fan: "'CAUSE YOU'RE A FAGGOT!" Dustin: "Over...over a wig...?" Fan: "YOU'RE A FAGGOT RHODES!" Dustin: "Over...being a freak? Well..." Fan: "YOU'RE A FAGGOT RHODES!!" Dustin: "You threw me in the ring with Kane because I couldn't beat Stunn.....Stone Cold Steve Austin." Fan: "FAGGOT!! HE'S A FAGGOT!! FAGGOT!!" - That was the thrust of it...you know what this means right? It means that we are just days away from being subjected to OPERATION "GET DUSTIN OVER": PHASE III.....you have been warned.. - actually...I think Vince had to return him to a heel because of Mr. Pillman's sudden death. But now that some time has passed, they could get back to the original course....so long as Paul Bearer doesn't come out and claim to be Dakota's REAL father..all should be well. (Try visualizing THAT without throwing up) - Terry Funk and 2 Cold Scorpio come out to take on those three Japanese guys in a handicapped match. I am not sure of the three guys new group name, and I am not sure of their individual names....in fact..I'm not sure of anything anymore...I'm getting really dizzy....let's just say that Scorpio did most of the work..then Bradshaw and Taka ran out to help clean house....oh yeah, one of these guys was the dude called "Hakushi"...but I couldn't see him...not that I really looked. - Shot of Vince talking to someone in the locker room... - commercials
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