Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW 5/4/98 . . . Oh Thank God...it's almost over - Al Snow was seen being thrown out of the building. I'm telling you folks..he may not look like much yet...but wait until he catches on...this guy could reach "Goldberg status" in terms of instant pops. - With a phresh new theme song...(Hey!! I said "phresh"..how's that for cool???) The Nation without this Denomination came out. Maivia grabbed the mic and seemed to be happy that the "fire between the Rock and Steve Austin has been re-ignited"...it seems that we now have Austin's opponents... - Austin was seen getting ready to hit the ring... - Vince was seen getting ready for...what? - Hyatte was seen getting ready to pass out...Oh man..I hope thisss thing ish jusht 'bout over... - commershials - Aushtin comes out.....he ain't that tough..I could take him - Patershunnn's voice hits the loudspeaker...saying that Austin's opponent ius.... - VINCENT K. (ERIC DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS HERE!!) McMahon is Austin's tag partner Hell, he even goofed on Hopgan by giving a brief arm poshee before walking to the ring.......ohh, man..hgang on a shec... - ..okay...just splashed some water on my face and had a snack...I'm awake now...and more importantly, I'm clear...(well..as clear as I can posshib..I mean possibly get)...let's wrap this doggy up.. - Austin wrestled the match...Vince just looked on and cheered for the Nation.....it was a pretty good match. (Gee..THREE good matches on RAW??? If that isn't one of the signs of the Apocalypse...I don't know what is) - By the way..it was the Rock and D-Lo vs Austin and Vince McMahon. Patterson and Brisco were on hand to nail Austin once in a while - And yes...Ross again claimed that "no WWF champion has ever..EVER had the deck stacked against him like Steve Austin does right now"...(REALLY??? HAVE WE FORGOTTEN THE SURVIVOR F'K'N' SERIES JIMBO????) - at one point..Austin made as if he was reaching out to tag Vince...but he just gave him the double finger instead...Vince looked like he just discovered dog poop in his toupee glue. - So the thing wrapped up in the way these things usually wrap up...with Jim Ross screaming MY GOD!!!! THE CARNAGE!!!!!!" - but it's a bit more detailed than that. Just as Austin was about to score the pin..Vince came out and CLOTHESLINED HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While it wasn't the BEST sell in the world, it wasn't all that bad... - (and no..this is NOT a "my God they rip off everything" moment...compare Vince's arms to Eric's....thank you, 'nuff said) - Patterson and Brisco started to kick at Austin...(If Vince produced a can of spraypaint...I was gonna throw a chair out my window) - Austin got rid of the three guys...but Dude Love charged and attacked... - Dustin Rhodes charged and attacked Dude Love....then pretty much the whole locker room ran out there....Ross had time enough to cough out one more, "MY GOD!!!!" before the show ended... The show went until 11:02 EST...a full 3 minutes past the normal time slot..and believe me..I was waiting for the cutoff mid-match...I had my sh&% kickers on and was ready to do some serious damage to my TV screen..BUT, the good folks at the USA network kept it on...Thank God...(Actually, I heard that Barry Diller just brought in a new guy to run USA..and this guy LOOVES the WWF and isn't afraid of a little hardcore action...nice to hear). So, what do we got? Well, we have a Nitro that was more "retro" than usual...bringing back some long time gimmicks and angles that we were sick of 6 months ago....we had Bischoff basically DELIVER HIGH RATINGS to RAW by challenging Vince..and then REPLAYING IT TWICE!!!!!!! (The whole thing was quite pointless....and juvenile for that matter...this guy is the HEAD of the company after all..one would think he would have better things to do with his time). Over on RAW..we had a new twist to the HHH/Owen saga where now two heel groups are going at it..we saw the last of Goldust....we saw the return of Al Snow...and we saw Vince slip closer and closer to cracking up...(personally..I think both Vince and Eric are losing their minds...I'm being honest). Still, RAW is on the hottest streak they have ever had...(and I think next week's Nashville show is live too...up against the NBA playoffs..) so they are on quite the roll...RAW wins. Read the closer....I have to go throw up. Okay, after two weeks the EGO poll has officially CLOSED. It was....well...definitely weird how this thing wrapped up. I'll go from top to bottom...here we go.. THE BIGGEST EGOS IN WRESTLING 1: Hulk Hogan: According to you, he is not only the real ICON, but he also has the biggest EGO. Many sighted his remarks from the "Unreal Story of Professional Wrestling" when he claimed that Andre the Giant "gave him the ball". Others claimed that he is just a guy who is too much in love with himself. To sum it up...he's an assh&%$....but he's earned it. Only ONE VOTE separted Hogan from the number 2 guy... 2: Eric Bischoff. Quite frankly. He is an assh&%$ too, but unlike Hogan...he hasn't earned diddly squat. Other than spending some else's money, Eric hasn't really done anything that deserves the respect that he demands. Now this is interesting. A whopping 88 VOTES separated Bischoff from the #3 biggest EGO vote getter.. 3: Bret Hart: It's pretty clear judging from your votes. Bret should have jobbed to Michaels in Canada. He didn't, so Vince had to screw him out of the belt. In refusing to do the job, Bret pretty much guarenteed that Vince would be humilated the Monday after the Survivor Series when Nitro came on. Vince couldn't deal with that and took matters in his own hands. Now that some time has passed since that moment, many of you saw that Bret made Vince do what he did....and agree with it. Once again..only 1 VOTE seperates the #3 guy from the #4 guy... 4: Shawn Michaels: Quite simply, the guy refuses to job. Why he's different from Bret is because A: There was never an issue of him going to WCW and B: Each match he wrestles...he tries to top himself from the previous one. Whether you like him or not, he delivers the most exciting wrestling in America. So he sort of deserves to have an ego. Ten votes after Michaels...there is.. 5: The Ultimate Warrior: This one is my personal pick. I don't have to say a word about him...go check out his web site....that's all you need to understand this guy. Quite frankly, he is Hogan X 10. the Votes close up after this. 6: Vince McMahon. Vince has always had his fair share of detractors. They made themselves heard right here. 7: Shane Douglas: Just like I said two weeks ago. He has a great mouth, but not really much skill to back it up. He thinks ECW rises and sets on his ass....truth be known, I doubt ECW would really go into a tailspin if he left. 8: TIE Kevin Nash and Ahmed Johnson: Nash got it because...well....because he's Nash. Ahmed got a bit of a boost after this weekend's report that he refused to wrestle for the NWA without money up front and a stretch limo. Nash has the mic skills and the charisma to deserve an ego...Ahmed had every chance to succeed in the WWF....he kept getting injured. Good riddance. 9: TIE Sting and Roddy Piper. Actually, these guys only got two votes a piece. Sting was NWA/WCW's "Franchise" for longer then ten years...so you know he must feel important. Piper is just getting by on whatever juice he once had....and he thinks that it's enough. 10: Get ready now...'cause all these guys got just ONE vote....but I have to name all of them so... Ted Turner, Sunny, Bruno Sammartino, Gene Okerlund, Michael Buffer, Verne Gagne, Ric Flair, Pat Patterson, Villano I, Steven Regal, Koko B Ware, Tony Schiavone, Ray Traylor, Larry Zbyszko, Val Venis, Jim Ross, Triple H, Scott Norton, Chris Jericho, XPac, Chris Hyatte, WCW in General, and of course..the tradition continues and some fellow who named himself "Anonymous" insisted that his pecker had the largest ego. Who am I to argue? And that ought to do it for this week. I know, the closer was sort of boring this week, but next week, I promise something better. Oh we will have all sorts of fun next week....well, you will. I'll probably be just as miserable as ever. Y'see, I have to go to court tomorrow, (or yesterday..depending on when this thing gets posted). Yep, ol' Hyatte got yanked the other day because I didn't have those shiny new Rhode Island License plates that are there apparently as a way to get anyone with a car to cough up 6 bucks. Well, I didn't have the plates, then the fine Officer learned that I didn't have insurance either. Oh yes, I also haven't gotten it inspected yet, nor did I renew my license when it expired on my birthday. Incidentally, the registration was past due as well. Did I mention that my license was suspended because I didn't pay a friggin' parking ticket? Well it was. So obviously, I got a bit of explaining to do to the Judge. Don't sweat it though, Hyatte will just turn on the charm and kick the sweet talking into high gear. If that doesn't work, then I'll do my best Al Pacino and start screaming, "YOU'RE OUTTA ORDER, YOU'RE OUTTA ORDER, THE WHOLE TRIAL'S OUTTA ORDER!!!!!"...then, just as I'm being dragged away by the bailiffs, I'll throw out, "WAIT, WAIT..I HAVE JUST FINISHED...MY OPENING STATEMENT!!!!!!" Then again, maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. And lastly...in case you haven't noticed, the Mop-Up has been showing it's ugly self on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays. Well, at least it's been STEADILY coming out on Wednesdays....compared to the ugly month of March when it came out sporadically at best. Well, there is a reason it's been coming out on Wednesdays...quite simply, I live on the East coast..so I don't have the unique time zones to play with...that means I slave ALL NIGHT until WAY PAST DAWN to do this thing. Well, Hyatte is tired, dogs..wiped out..exhausted. I need another day to spin my magic. So, from here on out...this thing will be SENT to SCOOPS on Tuesday afternoons for a Wednesday posting. Look, after ALL this time, you should know by now that for fast results, you go on over to the bazillion other sites that recap the shows....they'll tell you who won, who lost, and what angles developed. You come here for a little fun, a little goofiness, more details and some ass jokes. Trust me, it's all for the better...and it makes me happy..which is all that really matters anyway. Consider it a personal birthday treat from me to me...even though it really isn't my birthday...but it is..sort of. Figure it out. For this week though, that's all the juice I got in me...I have to go squeeze into my suit for court. This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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