Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read this, or don't. I don't care...5/12/99 Mop-Up Nitro NITRO (or Sting does an impression of Charlie the Tuna) -Opens with footage from last week where Sting cleaned some NWO house...mostly using a weak ass backhand shot....the guy is UNSTOPPABLE!!!!! -opening theme -The fireworks go off in El Paso Texas. The fans go nuts. I bet the place would clear out if someone grabbed the mic and screamed "IMMIGRATION!!!!!" Tony announces that they are "preparing for the biggest wrestling February in history!!!" Someone ought to tell him that Wrestlemania is in March. -"Voodoo Chile" (best with jalapeno peppers) comes on and out comes Hulk (don't call him Hollywood) Hogan and Eric Bischoff comes out. Uncle E has his hands shoved in his pockets in that "aw shucks" mannerism that he has picked up as of late. Hogan plants a big wet kiss on Eric and tells the camera that he "loves this man".....call me crazy but I SWEAR I saw something in Eric's pants.....jump. -The big news here is that Hogan had decided to do a little NWO toughlove and teach Randy Savage a lesson about just who is the top doggy here in the NWO. So fed up is Hogan with all this foolishness, that he has decided to take on Savage right there in El Paso. -Savage shows up in the stands and accepts the challenge. But..instead of Savage getting the "education"..it will be old baldy his own damn self who will be the bitch tonight. Hogan disagreed and things ended on that note. It gave Tony the perfect opportunity to send us to the night's first set of... -commercials -The Nitro Girls were in the ring....doing something. Tony says, and I quote...."We have the makings of our BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".....and people say that I OVERDO THINGS???????? -Tony and Tenay talk up the night. Larry Zbyszko is NOT there....the world cheers. -Video montage of the recent problems Mongo has been having with the Bulldog. -Oh crap! Here comes Glacier. I'm going to go and sort out my socks....be right back. -Wait a sec....he's fighting Mongo. Ah Hell, I'll check it out. -So things are moving along. Glacier finds his ass out on the ring floor. As he get his bearings, a brat in the front row started to pat his head...then rubbed it. Glacier swung his arm back and almost clocked the little snot nose. A tombstone P.Der won things for Mr. McMicheal. Then he grabbed the mike and told the world that this was how they "took out the trash in Texas" (odd, I just drag the barrels to the front of my driveway). One thing though...First, it was Chicago....then it was Green Bay...now it's Texas??? How many hometowns does Mongo have anyway? Oh yeah...Louie Spicolli came to the announcer's table...looking for Larry and claiming to be Larry's friend. He hung around for the rest of the hour...mostly just telling Tony to "cover the match for once". (Which is kinda what we all have been demanding for quite some time anyway). -Did I mention that Mortis attacked Mongo after the match? Well he did. Did I mention that Mongo rebounded and tuned on both Mortis and James Vandenberg? Well he did. Did I mention that this all led to a rockem', sockem', batch of... -commercials? -Well it did! -Spicolli was still there, and over the chants of, "LOUIE SUCKS", he explained that he had Larry's bags on him. I don't really know....I don't really care. -Norman Smiley (who was FROWNING.....I feel cheated somehow) comes to the ring to take on......oh brother. -It's Konan. Oh joy. NOW I'm going to sort out my socks. Be back in a flash. -I'm back in time to hear Tony make a big stink about how Tenay has to go off for a "very special interview"...(kind of like those "Very Special" ABC Afterschool specials...where young teens watch Scott Baio portray the "Boy Who Drank Too Much" Hey...that's what got ME started. I guess Tenay was about to interview a girl who got pregnant at 13...and now her life is over.) -Wrongo..he's interviewing some guy whose involved in the stock car circuit. Thing is..it was PRETAPED...so Tony was LYING!!! Busted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Here up North, most of us don't give a tin poop about Car Racing...but I understand that it's very big down South and I also understand that Ted Turner is a huge race car fan...so I can see why they would waste time on it...and I won't bust nutz 'bout it. One thing though...Tenay has the PASTIEST smile I have EVER seen. -commercials -The Nitro Girls do their thing...I run to the bathroon and do mine. Tony pushed the Nitro Party. -Nick Patrick is in the ring, presumably to make a big stink over getting screwed (he should ask Bret Hart what it REALLY feels like to get screwed). JJ Dillon marches to the ring right on schedule. Patrick tells him that he has no right to suspend him....JJ disagrees. Patrick reminds JJ that he has NEVER left WCW...EVER....unlike SOME WCW big shot who shall remain nameless (hint...the man in question was standing in the ring at the time). JJ reminds HIM that he left McMahon high and dry with absolutely NO warning...and Patrick should stick THAT in his pipe and smoke it! Patrick said that he would...JJ said that he should do it outside the ring. Patrick said that he would be quite comfy cozy smoking it right there. JJ produced some security guards (one of whom looked like Max Mini's slightly larger brother) to escort Patrick out. Patrick left...but promised that this nonsense is FAR from over. I don't know where they are going with this angle....and I wonder if anyone really cares. -Sonny Ono (now why couldn't HE have skied into a tree?) comes to the ring with Yuji Nagata (who didn't ski into a tree...but DID fall off the ugly tree and hit every limb) comes to the ring to go against Disco Inferno. DINF comes to the ring sporting a black headband....making him look like Rambo's retarded brother. After a bit, Nagata had the match won, but a distraction from Ono allowed DINF to recover and snag the "Chartbuster" on him. DINK wins the match and the GREAT DISCO INFERNO PUSH: PHASE III is on!!!!!....and not a moment too soon. By the way, just as Tony was about to bust out one of his over the top/Earth shattering/the sky MUST be falling hyperbole tirades at the top of his lungs...Spicolli cut him short by saying, "Tony, your microphone is right in front of you. There is no need to yell!" Tony was dumbfounded and I was cheering. Right there you got'cher Line of the Night. Remember when Tony used to be GOOD at this? God it seems so long ago. -Oh yeah. After the match...and for no real reason...La Parka showed up and started to chair everyone. Then he did his little dance on top of it. Guess what...LA PARKA IS NOW MY FAVORITE LUCHADOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (word is he is in line to become an "honorable Villano"...I'll have more info next week). -commercials -Tenay (gee, no Mean Gene? There IS a GOD!! He must have gotten caught helping a few "friends" over the border) brings out Lex Luger. Luger yells about how a No DQ match is the most dangerous match in pro wrestling (obviously, Luger never heard of a Hell in the Cell match, a Scaffold match, a barbed wire bomb match, or your average ECW match). Luger yelled a whole lot...I yawned a whole lot. -The fireworks go off as Tony bellows that the second hour will be coming right after a set of... -commercials -Here comes trouble...Chris Jericho (in the middle of a nasty ass heel push) and Eddie Guerrero (wondering just what the Hell happened to HIS nasty ass heel push) hit the ring to take on the team of Dean Malenko and Chavo Guerrero Jr. Things got underway. -Malenko fights like a man re-possessed...that is until Eddie damn near takes his head off with a dropkick. Eddie is hearing some monster cheers by the way...they'd better...he helped sneak half the crowd over the boarder! The looooong match ends after Chavo submits to the "Boston Lion Tamer By Way of Quebec". -commercials..including the "Bruise Cruise" spot. Yes, you can see first hand how the Luchadors sweat through their masks under the hot sun. -video thingy concerning the Steiner's recent problems -Heeeeeyyyy, it's El Dandy!! That's just...DANDY! -ah hell...he's taking on Juventud Guerrera!! That's not...DANDY -Juventud wins in less time than it takes to tell. Oh okay..it was a decent length match....and that 450 Splash is DAMN IMPRESSIVE!!! -That mean old Chris Jericho charges into the ring (remember...he is in the middle of a nasty ass heel push) and whomps on Juventud a bit...or at least tries to. Juvee chases him away. Jericho grabs the mic and asks what the problem was? Juventud grabs another mic and screams something in Spanish (or is that Mexican?). Of course, I don't know what he said, but I groaned when I heard the words, "La Rasa" (Oh dear Lord no). What followed was a bit where Juvee would talk and Jericho would translate (claiming to speak ten languages perfectly). Jericho said that Juventud wanted a title shot, but Juvee had nothing to offer him in return...(okay okay..Jericho mentioned Juvee's "rusted out 68 El Camino"...which was funny). Juventud said something about "corozone"...or maybe he was offering to trade some "kerosene" for a title shot (for those cold nights in Orlando maybe??). The nutshell was that Juventud ended up putting his mask up against a title shot at Superbrawl....I'm sure INS will look at this match veeeeeeeery closely. -commercials -video thingy of the mass of humanity known as....GOLDBERG. -Bobby Heenan joins the fun as Steve Regal comes to the ring to get flattened by Goldberg. -Here is some smart booking. Goldberg is one of the most exciting performers going...so what do they do? They make this a training seminar to get him to develop some more ring skills. Isn't this what PRACTICE is about? Of course, Goldberg got sick of this eventually and wasted Regal. -commercials -Those Nitro Girls gives chubbies to 14 year old boys all over the world. Tony announces that some punk won another Nitro Party Pack. -Another Nitro Party clip...just to remind us how lucky we are that WCW is around. -Louie Spicolli comes down with Zbyszko's baggage. Chris Adams (the inventor of the Superkick) comes down to jam. The fans seem more interested in something behind them..and turn around in unison. -JEEZUS!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING BACK THERE??? THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS LOOKING AT SOMETHING IN THE SEATS??? THE MATCH IS TOTALLY IGNORED!!! Which is guess..shouldn't really be any surprise...considering who is in there and all. -Spicolli gets DQed after cranking Adams with Zbyszko's Haliburton briefcase (F@&% ME..NOT THAT THING AGAIN????) Larry shows up and chases him away. To the camera, Larry yells about how Spicolli broke into Larry's hotel room, then gave his limo driver the wrong directions and sent Larry to an empty arena (how many arenas does El Paso have anyway????) -ooooh...Larry just called Spicolli "Spinolli"....them's fighting words! -commercials -video of the power that is....BOOKER T. -Ultimo Dragon comes to the ring to take on Saturn. This should be a good one. Lodi is there for some humor. - Nice sign by Lodi that reads, "WHY ARE WE HERE?"...good question. -It's a good match...it's a long match...a reeeeealllly loooooooong match. Saturn wins it by flipping the Dragon Sleeper into a rollup. Nice moves. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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