Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read this, or don't. I don't care...5/12/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -Oh God..it's the third hour....is that a light at the end of the tunnel? -footage of the DDP/Benoit thing from Thunder (Didn't I GUESS that Thunder would wind up being nothing but second and third stringers??? My only failure was that I didn't think Bischoff would phase out the A-listers so quickly) -Raven comes to the ring and slumps down in the corner in bliss. He awaits for his opponent....which is Booker T. Here's hoping the homie slaps some street into that whitebread suburbanite ho! -But before anything could happen...there is a batch of.. -commercials -Raven was nice enough to wait through the commercials before speaking into the mic...(because we just HAVE to hear the pearls HE drops!!!). Raven bragged about sending Benoit back to Canada with more of his teeth missing, then told Booker that it was his turn to get bitchslapped back to da' hood...Quote the Raven...Always a Bore. -Riggs and Puke Boy jump Booker for the hell of it. Booker reams the entire flock practically. Raven attacks but the ref puts an end to the nonsense. That doesn't stop the flock from resuming it's blitz. Booker ends up in the Rings of Saturn....I run off to sit on the Ring of my Toilet. -commercials -footage of Savage's recent inability to play with his NWO comrades...am I crazy or are they playing WAAAAAY too many video montages as of late? -Hogan and Bischoff come down to teach Savage a lesson. Savage came out and jumped Hogan from behind. Savage punched out Bischoff because he ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Bad news...Bischoff has to be Bischoff and overract going down. -So Savage is brawling with Hogan...and even though we have seen this match a HUNDRED times before.... things still move nicely....until... -Savage goes for the Axe handle-off-the-top-rope-onto-the-outside. Hogan moves out of the way. Savage flies into the steel railing. The sound was SICKENING!!!! -The NWO charge in force and proceed to wail on Savage. They leave him dead in the ring after Hogan wallops him with a chair. Same sh&%...different pile. -commercials -Lex Luger comes out.....no one knows why. He grabs the mic and calls out Savage. Elizabeth comes out to plead with Luger for something. Luger says no way sweet pants..I ain't falling for THAT again. -Doesn't matter in the long run. A recovered Savage sneaks in and cranks Luger. Sting runs in and cranks Savage. Hogan comes in and points at Sting. Sting points at Hogan. Hogan does that NWO point. All Hell breaks loose. -A giant net falls down on Sting (HoBoy.....this isn't TOO dumb is it?) The NWO beat him up while he is entangled. A depressed Tony quietly breaks for.. -commercials -The Nitro Girls kill time while Tony plugs upcoming dates. -Tony tries to put a positive spin on things by reflecting on the NWO problems. Tenay calls it a "historic night for WCW and Nitro"....I wonder what show HE is watching? I wonder what HE'S been smoking? I wonder what HE looks like naked.....OH SH&%..FORGET I SAID THAT...NEVERMIND, NEVERMIND, NEVERMIND! -More video about the Steiners -Hall and Nash come to the ring. Scott does that poll he does. El Paso is CLEARLY NWO Country...so much so that the announcers can't even argue...(well, Heenan tried...but it was a weak try). They also goofed on Savage and Sting. Nash told Syxx to get his ass back into the ring so they could have some fun. This all led to a set of.. -commercials -The Steiners hit the ring. Tony says that Sting suffered some injuries due to the attack..(he hit his head...now he REALLY THINKS that he is the CROW!!!!!!!!!!) -So the match begins. Rick starts the match but quickly tags Scott. Pudgy Nash gets in there and does some damage. The Outsiders dominate. Scotty refuses to tag, but is pushed into Rick and the tag is made (or something like that). One thing leads to your mother and the Steiners end up winning the match and the belts. At first, Scott is pissed that he didn't get the pin, but ends up hugging Rick in celebration...but still looks preturbed. The show ends right there. Hmm, no screwjob ending! Bischoff gets a good punch in the pus! Decent to damn good matches! If not for the WAAAY TOO MANY video montages...all of them suck, it would be a GREAT show! Too bad they are obviously struggling to fill 3 hours. All in all though..it was a good show. If you are anything like me, then you grew up listening to those headbanging hair bands of the 80's. When former Judas Priest front man Rob Halford announced to the world that he was gay, I was OVERCOME by a feeling of sheer...ambivalence, (I was never into Judas Priest...all I knew was that he was the baldest headbanger I ever saw...that was until Kevin DuBrow of "Quiet Riot" came along of course). Never the less, it got me thinking. if the man who sung, "You Got Another Thing Coming" (and doesn't his announcement give THAT song a new meaning?) was a gay man, I wondered what other hairband had members who rode the "Hershey Highway"? So let's take a look at some other more famous bands and see what's doing under those tight spandex pants. (Note..I want to make this perfectly clear...EVEN IF THEY ARE ALL GAY...IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!! I have NEVER had a problem with anyone with a different sexual preference. To be bothered by someone who prefers their own gender is childish and retarded. Grow up homophobes!) Anywhoo.. ARE THEY OR AREN'T THEY? -Whitesnake: With Tawny Kitean crawling around a car in a silk nighty??? Are you nuts? Okay, so they got divorced afterwards...but she did stick her tongue down his throat in the video, "Here I Go Again". That's a definite NO. -Warrent: Well, the guy seems awfully happy looking at that blonde in the video "Cherry Pie". And she IS a HOTTIE. And the song is talking about everything BUT ACTUAL cherry pie. I'll have to give that a NO! -Winger: No, but a guy who looks about 40 is singing about a girl who is "Seventeen". Call the cops...that's statutory in most states (I think Texas is the exception)! -Scorpions: Well...they ARE German. And they DO have a song called, "Another Piece of Meat". We'll have to say YES! -Guns & Roses: NO WAY MAN!!!!!!!! AXEL RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Van Halen: With David Lee Roth? No F'K'N' WAY!!!! With Sammy Hagar? Naaaaahh...I like Sammy. With this new guy? YES!!!!!!!!! I know already that they suck! -Led Zeppelin: Goofing on Led Zep is like goofing on Ric Flair. It's a great way to get people to lynch your ass!! You don't mess with Zep....even though they are SO GOOFABLE! -Motley Crue: I know, I know...that Tommy and Pamela thing. But consider this..."Smoking in the Boy's Room"?, "Dr Feelgood"?, "Home Sweet Home"?, "Wild Side"?..then there was that song with the chorus, "Girl...Don't go away mad...Girl..Just go away!" Even though they have the video to prove otherwise....I'll have to give it a most definite YES! -Ozzy: NO, NO, NO, NO AND NO!!!!!! Then again...he was drunk an AWFULLY LOT! And he did bite the head off a bat! Get him wasted enough and he could be open for ANYTHING! -Poison: They dressed in drag and wore heavy MAKEUP for CHRISSAKES!!! One of their band members is called "C.C" for GODSSAKE!!! "Every Rose has It's Thorn" for PETESSAKE!!!!!! That Pamela/Bret Michaels porn tape could be a smokescreen. (and now that I think of it...it's kind of funny and/or ironic that the name "Bret Michaels" should EVER find it's way to a WRESTLING column...and have nothing to do with WRESTLING!) That's a YES!!! -Bon Jovi: Oh let's give him a break. He hasn't sold a friggin' thing since the 80's. I give him props because he keeps trying. Just remember kids...I do this for COMEDY (or what passes for it in this column). I don't know what these boys do in their bedrooms and don't really care. Hell, my all time favorite band is QUEEN for God's Sake...and there was NOTHING masculine about Freddy Mercury...I still LOVE the guy though....well...I love his MUSIC. I never met these guys, (well, I met David Lee Roth two years ago in a strip club..but that's another story) so I don't know what they like to bang. It's all for charity here, so don't give me any crap about it. I'm running late, so I gotta book. I'm boarding a plane to Mexico tomorrow for that interview so I need some sleep. I'll see you next week, so for right now... This is Hyatte. Chris Hyatte
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