Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Let's get this over with...5/12/99 Mop-Up RAW "Hi Chris, rahter than send you a dissertation about how awful your article is, I would like the email address of your editor. I want to make sure that the appropriate people at Scoops know just what their audience thinks about your "work". Just so you are aware, I'm planning on organizing the readers that feel your article is a waste of time and space and protest your "column." Ideally Scoops will take it off their site and we can go about enjoying the site again but as long as your "shit" is on Scoops I don't think I'll bother using that site. How about this, in your next article ask your readers to vote thumbs up or thumbs down on whether or not you should continue to contribute to Scoops? I have a feeling that the results will confirm just how much you suck. I bet, however, you don't have the nerve to take this challenge. Thanks for the effort but I think it's time you just went away." Mike Lincoln mtl50@hotmail.com: (Go join his crusade.....let's get me off the web forever!!!) Hello, hello, HELLO!! I'm Chris and this le Mop-Up....the shortened version.....sort of. I only have RAW to deal with this week. So everything that makes this thing happen, openers, recap, closer...is jammed up into just one column. We'll make it quick this week. There will be only two opening notes and a fast closer....make life easier on everyone. BUT...there is a Nitro Mop-Up. Since a few of you asked me if I could post a past Mop-Up during those rare times I decide to take a week off, I thought I would give you good folks a little "Flashback" treat for your reading pleasure. I pretty much just tagged on the first column I dug up, somewhere in either January or February of last year. I invite you to check it out....and, like me...be amazed at just how much I recycle all these lousy jokes. Hell, I even tagged on a classic closer from back then. It was the one where I question the heterosexuality of all those "80s Heavy Metal Hair Bands. It was pretty well received the first time out...so it bears revisiting. The only other thing I wanted to discuss is the Nitro Mop-Up. Last week, Remy "The Slammer" Artiega sent all the SCOOPS writers our numbers for the month of April. Now, just so nobody at SCOOPS starts reaching for the edit button, I won't go into details as to what I'm pulling in terms of readership....let's just say that they are pretty big numbers. I am both flattered that so many people seem to enjoy my work, and a little disappointed too. I am disappointed only because I have FAR more people reading the RAW column than the Nitro column. Especially since the closer is at the Nitro column and I always felt that my closers are usually the strongest part of both columns. So, what I want to know is why? Why is the RAW column more popular than Nitro? You're only getting half of the Mop-Up.....it's like eating the appetizer, but only half of the main course....with the other half and the desert being ignored? Hell, it's like doing a little muff diving, than pounding her down for a few strokes, but bailing out before you can finish, or before she can do that booty shake!! People....skipping the Nitro Mop-Up is basically the equivolent of spending the whole week with a raging case of blue balls!!!!! How can that be enjoyable??? But seriously. You tell me...what can I do to get those Nitro numbers up with the RAW column? Be meaner? Be nicer? Finally, I almost didn't do a column this week...I was very shaken up by the death of Dana Plato....aka Kimberly Drummond......aka The White Chick on "Different Strokes"....I think we can all afford to take a moment to reflect on this tragic loss in our own way. Let us take a moment of silence.....................................thank you. I have to wonder...when she robbed that video store..did the wise ass clerk see her, see the gun, and scream, "WHADJU TALKIN' ABOUT KIMBERLY?" I ALSO have it on good word that Ms. Plato's last words were "Go see Break the Barrier in Philly this Saturday!!" Well....you people wouldn't deny her a last request would you? WOULD YOU???? Well, that's enough. Like I said, it's a quick run through this week. I'll tell you right now, RAW used the unopposed week for a little change of pace show tonight. Heavy duty action was on the menu tonight, so if I seem a little mellow tonight, it's because I really didn't have much to work with. I'll try my best to entertain..... RAW IS WAR (or: The Best RAW EVER????) -opens with a recap of that thing with the people and the whajamacallits. -opens again with backstage shots of both the Corporate Ministry and the Union entering the building. Vince is leading the Union. Jim Ross promises us a "war" tonight...that's all well and good..so long as THIS war doesn't end up destroying the Chinese Embassy and pissing off a billion China men....man, the price of Lo Mein will SKYROCKET!!!! -ick....not the best way to start things...you may want to go away folks....this may not be a pretty column -opening theme...Road Warrior Hawk has been replaced with a better shot of Triple H...I KNEW IT!!!! They really do pay attention to me!! -Hell, everybody pays attention to me...juuuust to see if I say something about them....HA..right now, Fatso is staring at these words wondering, "Is this it? Will he say something about me so people will come read my page and I'll feel important?" Dude, I already said something about you somewhere up in the opening notes...go re-read them...it's in there...go...and maybe, just maybe, I have something to say about you somewhere in the rest of this column...you'll have to see for yourself. -Jim Ross, sounding better than ever, says that they are in Orlando, FLA.......where the currently injured Chris Jericho lives......which means that even though we may not hear about it...I'd say the chances are MASSIVE that he was backstage tonight..or at least had a very illegal "meeting" with the WWF sometime today. -What the hell is this?? A MATCH?? A MATCH TO OPEN THINGS UP??? WHERE IS MY 20 MINUTE (THAT SEEMS LIKE AN HOUR) OPENING MIC WORK???? WHERE IS THE DRAMA??? WHERE IS THE DIALOGUE??? WHERE IS....WHERE IS....WHERE IS THE DRONING ON???? -Why..the droning on is right here in the MOP-UP!!!!! Where it's always been!! Jeeze...how else do you think I can get people wanting to organize "Get Hyatte OFF the Web" movements? It's the droning, baby...the endless rambling.....that goes on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..... -and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..... -and ever -A match to open up the show.....not even NITRO does that.....no WONDER Nitro is kicking ass in the ratings...(They ARE you know...those ratings are PHONY!!!) -Kane came to the ring....it looks like that chin strap of his is two weeks away from getting completely swallowed up by his double chins. -Billy Smokin' Ass came to the ring...now a full heel without the benefit of any mic time to expalin his actions. That really blows....the best part of a heel or face turn is getting on mic to explain themselves. It's a lost art -Billy was attacked by a female fan who hugged him hard before WWF Security could pull her away. Ahhh..that takes me back to my Bouncer days....when I'd break up cat fights.....I used to grab the girls from behind and yank them away. In the excitement, they never noticed when I would start fondling their boobies as I dragged them from the fight. Cheap feels......the best kind. -Kane attacked and kept right on attacking. Ross said that somehow, X-Pac has been "getting through" to Kane and has managed to form a bond of some sort through the use of patience....caring....understanding.....and Seseame Oil. I hope X-Pac at least straps a board across his back. -Eventually, Kane got his foot caught between the ropes and ended up hanging upside down.....so X-Pac and Road Dog ran out. Road Dog was only in his socks. -Doggy started to punch Bad Ass.....then he did that little pre-punch dance.....but Gunn rolled out of the ring....Doggy followed in outrage....that sumbitch...how DARE he cut off Road Dog mid schtick......he really IS a heel now!!!! -Meanwhile, X-Pac couldn't unhook the ropes from Kane's foot....then D-Lo and Mark Henry ran out and beat up both of them.....then everybody chased everyone.... -Is this a taped show?? It sure feels like one. -Backstage, we see the Union and the Ministritic (???) Corporation walking around. Jim Ross promises an EXPLOSION coming up.....(Just so long as they don't explode the Chinese Embassy.....last thing America needs is an embargo on Egg Rolls) -Good, Hyatte...using the same joke TWICE IN THE SAME COLUMN NOW????? Maybe it IS time I go away. -commercials -We see Monica Seles in the crowd. She WAS all set to go to BREAK THE BARRIER.....but then she learned that Abdullah the Butcher would be there.....she has a thing about cutlery....I don't know why though...I don't follow Tennis. Hey? Is Martina Navartalova still playing? She was a hottie....I bet SHE had no problems getting guys on a Friday night huh? YOWZAA!!! -The Union was out.....lead by three Police Officers in full Riot gear.....which means that one of them will take off the helmet and reveal himself to be RICK RUDE!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! HE FAKED HIS DEATH TO GET OUT OF HIS WCW CONTRACT!!!!!!!!! -That reference is over two years old AND makes no sense if you don't get the ECW TV show......so if your totally lost, don't worry...you ain't alone. -So...we had the 3 cops.....Mankind, Test, Paul Wight, Ken Shamrock, and of course...Vincent K (The Wisdom of Solomon, the Hair of Burt Reynolds) McMahon....who had enough of the "broken hearted poppa" bit and was now "Hoppin' mad"......about bloody time, by God -They all enter the ring......Test was in a "FUBU" shirt....unaware that only Blacks, Hispanics, and old guys trying to act young (*COUGHkevinnashCOUGHCOUGH*) are allowed to wear them...they were all carrying 2 by 4's too..... -Vince demands Shane to get his boys out there now.... -Shane comes out with his entire line up. Shane promises do break this Union harder than when Reagen destroyed the Air Traffic Controllers Union...(don't worry, half of you weren't even born when that went down.....lousy kids.....WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCHOOL??????) -Things were about to go down when the lights dimmed...... -Then Shawn Michaels was on the big TitanTron, looking amazed that any chick in her right mind would choose to change her name to "Hickenbottom" and marry him. I'm not that surprised..from what I hear, Shawny has a python on his pants. -Well, Shawn had a lot of things to cover....and it was an obvious pre-taped bit.....mighty long and mighty awkward. What he did was basically give the lowdown of the night's festivities.....which I will NOT go through because we'll get to them when their turn comes around...F-YOU -In the end, Shawn had the Riot cops take off their helmets......the first one was Patterson, the second one was Brisco, the third one was Michaels himself.....I'd say more....but I don't wanna. -Michaels stripped off his shirt, took the mic, and started to thump his groin with it....it made a wooden knocking sound.....why would HBK have "wood" while in Riot gear? Why would Patterson be in Riot gear? Why am I capitolizing the word "Riot"? All excellent questions.....none of which I will answer this week....hey dudes..you just consider yourselves lucky that I showed UP this week!!! And on a WEDNESDAY no less!!!! -commercials -Paul Wight came to the ring...and his theme song has officially become "almost catchy". -He waits a WHILE...because his opponent ain't too thrilled with this. -No wonder....it's Paul Bearer...at first he refuses to walk down the aisle..then HBK shows up and starts booting him down the ramp. Then Michaels rolls him in the ring. -Lawler, "This isn't fair! Paul needs a couple of days to get in shape for this match!!" -Ross, "Paul needs a couple of Milleniums to get ready for this match!!!" -The magic is back. -Bearer cringed against the ropes, sobbing that he "ain't a rassler." -HBK joined Ross and Lawler.....Ross said that Bear was lucky to be wearing all black..so we won't be able to see just how scared he really is. Michaels said that black makes him look thin too.... -Hmmm.....there is some sort of metaphor here....something about big fat Paul getting tuned on by the Giant.....something having to do with me and....some fat kid......who acts like a girl...and is probably a homo.........I...can't....quite...place it... -Oh right..now I remember....naaah, I won't go there for a while.....let him go back to obscurity....I'll bring his name back up when I deem it appropriate. Hyatte giveth....Hyatte taketh away. -Wight kicked Paul Bearer in the face...he went down..then he dropped a huge elbow....it was hypnotic watching Bearer's body jiggle for a good 30 seconds -Then the Former Giant grabbed the mic and asked the Commissioner's permission to invite the Undertaker out there to get his ass whupped.....Michaels had no problems with this. -Sooo....the UT came on out.....Wight gave Bearer another elbow drop. This guy really could drop dead from a heart attack right there.....I'm serious. He really shouldn't be doing that stuff....I don't care how fake it is. -UT never made it in the ring though...the Menstration ran in and attacked Wight instead..thenthe Union came out....the bad guys ran and Wight's music kicked in. -Backstage, we see both Debra and Sable getting ready for another attempt at an Evening Gown match......Ross bellows that SOMETHING WILL COME OFF!! -commercials -Debra came out in her evening gown... -Sable came out with Nicole Bass. Sable was pretty much down to her bra and panties already....save for a silk robe thingy.... -Michaels on Bass, "She is one big dude!" (okay....not bad...) -Michaels also made a few comments about "having Sable".....tres tacky...how unclassy...he's a married man for God's sakes.....no need for such rudeness. -Besides, didn't Michaels know that Marc Mero goes on rampages and shoots people? It was in the National Enquirer!! Does he REALLY want to piss of Mero?? -Sable did her "grind" thing.....and quite frankle, she looked very tired of this whole thing.....I don't see her re-signing any WWF contracts anytime soon. -Val Venis showed up and stared at Debra....Debra stared back.....Sable used the opportunity to rip off Debra's dress and win the match. Bullcrap ending. -Then Venis took a guitar shot by Jeff Jarrett......a nice one too. -Back to the ring, Michael Cole was there for no reason other than to assure his family at home that he was still employed by the WWF......he tried to talk to Sable.. -But HBK ran into the ring and decided to give the title to Debra, because....oh....just BECAUSE!!!!! SCREW YOU!!!!! Debra was the new champ. Sable protested, then she jiggled. I bet she hates doing this stuff now. -Backstage, we see the Rock, Austin, and Vince all seperately waiting for their match to come up. -commercials -Test fought the Bog Bossman in a Nightstick-On-Top-Of-Pole match which the Bossman won....thank GOD!!!!!! (Give him a break......the guy had to run around dressed as a Guardian Angel for a few months...he deserves a win here and there). I would say more about this match, but since Nitro ain't on, I have to channel my desire to recap matches in short sentences SOMEWHERE!!!! -We did get a shot of Test's ass....crack and all.....(insert joke about Patterson going out for a "test drive" right here) -backstage, we see CACTUS JACK wandering the halls, looking for weapons. -commercials -backstage, Val Venis demands a shot at Jeff Jarrett tonight. -Viscera and Midean come on out as the second hour arrives..... -The SECOND HOUR ARRIVED?????? WHOA.....then I must be fresh out of page!! Chris Hyatte
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