Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Moving along quickly and steadily..5/12/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Looks who back!! Cactus Jack has returned to the WWF!!!! It's about bloody time by Christ!!!! -Of course...much like with Billy Gunn, I would have loved to have heard Jack back on the mic.... -You know, I feel pretty friggin' stupid referring to Cactus Jack as "returning".....HE NEVER LEFT!!! IT'S THE SAME GUY!!!! -I know but.....he's just so GOOD at all three characters....it's real easy to treat them as three different guys. -Even though Dude Love is dead.....according to Foley. So it's really two guys now. CJ came out with two small beach balls...or volley balls really.....and threw them at the bad guys. Midean took one on the mush. -They go at it a while.....highlighted by a WICKED chairshot by Midean across Jack's face....apparently, Jack forgot that Mankind had a nice leather mask to absorb most of the blows. He thought he could take it on his own. -WAIT!! Doesn't Foley LIVE in Orlando?? No wonder he fought under the persona closest to the real guy...his family must be in the crowd! -Jack jammed a trash bucket on Midean, then slammed it off with a chair....nice. -In the end, Cactus Jack gave his Elbow Drop off the ring apron (he actually used a chair, but why quibble) to Viscera a procured the pinfall. If they had CACTUS JACK do the job in front of his FAMILY.......then I may have to become a hardcore WCW fan for the rest of my days. -Ross kept saying that this was a "one time only" type of thing....WHY????? -backstage, Cole talked to Chyna....who had to fight ken Shamrock tonight. Cole called it "The World's Most Dangerous Man vs The World's Most Dangerous Woman"....Chyna took offense to that...because NOBODY...and I mean NOBODY calls her a "woman" -Cheap Hyatte.....very, very cheap -Chyna said that she gets "moody" once every 28 days......Lord...she must be like a fire hydrant!! -commercials -Bradshaw came to the ring...... -Faarooq came to the ring.... -The Union came to the ring.....it's a Lumberjack between the Acolytes with the unuion being Lumberjacks. -Faarooq went on the mic and called Michaels a "punk ass" for making him fight his partner for our "amoozment" (God...I missed his mic work...I haven't heard him say anything since Bret Hart was screwed out of the title) -Faarooq said that there ain't no way he's gonna let a cracker beat him.....and whitebread knew that. -Whitebread reminded Faarooq that pro rasslin' was still a white man's sport..and their ain"t no way a homeboy could beat this redneck... -Really....I must agree......rasslin' is still whitey's ballgame. Hell, all we have is this and Hockey!!! CAN'T WE KEEP A COUPLE OF SPORTS??? OR DOES THE SUPERIOR ATHLETE HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL OVER????? -My God...we lost Golf.....we can't stand to lose another sport!!! -Faarooq, "Well I'll be....DAMNED!!!" -I really do miss Faarooq on the mic. -Anywhoo..they tussled and the Union stuck around to jack some lumber around.... -It lasted sort of long.....then the Corporating Ministry showed up to try to make the peace...then Viscera ended up getting 2 by 4'ed. That about wrapped it up. -backstage, Pat and Jack were still in police outfits, bragging about who they had beaten back in the day. Names like Bockwinkle, Stevens, Harley Race, Dusty Rhodes....ahh -Then Brisco said, "Flair!! Hey, I beat him too.....WHOOO!!"...and you just KNEW...if Flair had any opportunity to watch RAW..tonight would be the night. -commercials -The Mean Street Posse, Rodney and Pete Gas came out. Anyone else look at Pete Gas and think that he's just 2 chromosomes away from dragging his knuckles on the ground as he walked? -Then we hear the music.....the familiar beat.... -Da da da da dada DA DAAAAAA -"WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIIIIIIIIDE!!!" -"YA GOTTA TAKE A STAND IT DON'T HELP TO HIIIIIIIIDE" -"IF YOU HURT MY FRIENDS, YOU HURT MY PRIDE" -"I GOTTA BE A MAN, I CAN'T LET IT SLIDE!!!" -Patterson and Brisco came out to Hulk Hogan's old "Real American" song...... -Patterson..... -Real American -Patterson -Real American -.......................................... -Oh my Heavenly Lord.....for some unHoly reason...I am sporting the biggest boner of my life right now! -Anywhoo....Lawler and Ross had fun with this...Lawler seemed to recognize the song...Ross drolled, "Hey bruther!" -and you just KNEW Hogan was watching...... -This does NOT helop substantiate those rumors that Hulky wants back into the WWF before he calls it a career. -So...Gas bodyslams Pat outside...he stays out for probably a lot longer than reason would dictate... -BUT...Brisco is able to hold his own for a while...then Pat gets back in... -Brisco gives Gas a suplex that would have looked good no matter who performed it...it had a nice snap to it. -Patterson went to crotch Rodney against the top ropes...but Rodney missed and fell off...either that or Pat pushed him off....because if Pat understands one thing, Pat appreciates fresh lettuce...I have no idea what that means...all I know is that this boner ain't going down and Lord..I am NERVOUS!!! -Brisco gets in the Figure Four....Pat gets in the Boston Crab (Lord knows, Pat has had crabs from all over the place). The match is over and the crowd pops. -They celebrated......Pat takes off his SHIRT!!!!!!! -Lawler, "No...no...don't do it Pat!!" -Ross, "OH MY GOD!!!!!!" -Pat puts his hand to his ear and points to each side of the ring.. -Then he poses....... -ahem.....Jim Ross......screw the dead face....screw the twisted up mouth.....screw the hinky voice........Jim Ross proved, beyond a SHADOW of a doubt....why he is perhaps the finest announcer in the world..... - and I quote...."Good God!.....and he's single fellas!!!" -I have nothing to add...there is no place I can go with this. Ross pulled the rug out from under me. -This may have been the most satisfying segment of the year so far. -Backstage with Michael Cole and Ken Shamrock....Kenny said that he refuses to fight a girl. Which doesn't exactly mean that he would have any qualms about...oh right...she is SEXTHY now.... -Well....my boner's gone now. -commercials -Debra hit Val Venis with the Chick belt and Jarrett pinned him. So much for that love affair. -That felt good...blowing off a WWF match for once! -commercials -it's a "Cleavage" segment......all I know is that I heard the word "Split Beaver" on National TV and it caused me to faint for a good 3 minutes. -Chyna came to the ring with HHH -Ken Shamrock came to the ring looking like he just saw Nicole Bass naked and had no clue what he saw. -Kenny refused to fight Chyna.....he was punched, shoved, forearmed, and messed with by HHH....he ALMOST lost it...but decided to hold his temper and walk away. Ooo...I wonder what lucky lady will get to marry him! He seems to have a major temper problem -commercials -HBK came to the ring wearing his SHAWN MICHAELS WRESTLING ACADEMY shirt....yes friends..enroll now and learn how to stretch a strained back into a 2 year lay off -Shane, HHH, and the Undertaker came out.... -Vincent K McMahon came out -The Rock came out......HHH attacked him outside....the UT attacked Vince, drilled him twice with the Chokeslam, then gave him the Tombstone. Then he and Shane dragged Vince outside and wrapped a mic cord around his neck. -Then Austin came out. He started beefing with the Undertaker. -This 6 man match was basically a tag team no rules match. With both McMahons knocked out. -This was a quick match, but non stop action. I hate to do this to you but.........but what the Hell did YOU watch Monday? There was no Nitro! -Austin stunned Shane.....Vince tried to pin him. Austin puklled him off, gave Shane another Stunner, and pinned him again. He scored the win and ended the show. Well, I told you this would be quick. Sorry, but this is sort of an off week for everyone. Even Zimmerman is taking a vacation of sorts. I'll make it up to you next week....I'll get VERY nasty and do all sorts of things that's offend ya'....it's my word...it's my bond. By the way, Nitro wins the week...no Tony, no Rachtman, no Bischoff, no Kanyon, no Goldberg......a GREAT show!!! Before I go, I have to announce officially that I will NOT be going to BREAK THE BARRIER. I can't crucnch the appropraite numbers to get over there. I have to stay at home and take care of things. Sorry. BUT....you should go. Because if even HALF of what Al told me was going to happen happens...this show will be historic. Like, maybe a big shoot from Shane Douglas? Seeing how he may never set foot in the ECW Arena again after Saturday? This show is going to ROCK!!! I mean, sure..web dicks will try to find a way to knock it, basically because they want to be the ones putting on a show...they want to be big enough to be able to try this. They can't...they know it..so they respond by trashing it. Douchebag behavior from jealous little F**KS...plain and simple. Keep in mind too...SCOOPS will lose money on this...I already know that Al invested a good chunk of his own money for this.....he knows that he won't see it again...he won't make it back. He did it as a payment to you people..for supporting us for these last 3 years. It's our reward to you....a supercard jammed with Indy workers who want to show everyone else up...so you KNOW that nobody is going to be lazy in there. So, that's my pitch. Go to BREAK THE BARRIER...because it won't be a cheapy event. And do my a favor....at one point during the show...especially during a time where big Al is in the ring himself..try to get a HUGE chant of "LET HYATTE BE HYATTE" get going. Show them that even though I can't be there in person...THE SPIRIT OF THE MOP-UP IS ALIVE AND WELL!!! TELL THESE BASTARDS THAT THERE WOULD BE NO SCOOPS IF I WASN'T THERE DAMMIT!!! Besides, haven't you heard? Al and I are in a blood feud...we HATE each other. (heh) Remember....there is a bonus Nitro column. I'll see you next week. This is Hyatte. Chris Hyatte
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