Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the May 15 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Oh, haven't I said enough? Let's just GO!!! Except that I want to point out that I took heat from saying that the night Sean Waltman appeared on RAW was the night RAW started winning the ratings. That was slightly misleading. In reality, the night Waltman returned marked the first time the ratings made significant waves against Nitro in some big quarter hours. Nitro still won, but Waltman marked the beginning of the end. Okay? Cool? Happy now? Good... Now let's GO!!! NITRO (or: Whoa, didn't see that coming. Or that, or that, or THAT?) -Opens with the ending to one of the BEST episodes of "E.R." ever. Carter gets drunk on a 3 hour Lunch and gets busted, Ross screws up and Benton rats him out. Geenie and Carol argue over who washes a bum. Ross tells Benton to "Buckle my shoe and kiss my ass." And Goose gets a contact lens stuck in his goatee. What happened to that show? It used to be so GOOD! -Last week, Clooney cameoed, mumbled one line, and the show ended. I'm shocked NBC didn't promote the entire show around that 10 second flash. -WCW Logo: Like your finer STD sores, it will NEVER go away. -Highlight package that explains why Vampiro and Sting are no longer "Brothers in Paint". (maybe it has something to do with Sting screaming that Vampiro will spend Eternity burning in a Lake of Fire after EVERY LITTLE SIN!!!! "Come on Steeeng, God don't mind a little marijuana after a hard fought match, ese!", "Come on Steeeng, she told me she was nineteen!".) -Opening theme -Fireworks and Tony Schiavone welcome us to Biloxi, Mississippi. Cameras scan the crowd for pro-WCW signs. The best they can come up with is, "BRING BACK THE GOLFER GIMMICK". -Apparently, the Announcers were just beamed down from the Hovering spaceship 2 seconds before airtime, because they all seemed astounded that there was a cage set up in the ring and Vampiro was coming out. Of course, chances are that the only thing Madden was "hovering" in was the orbit around the closest Buffet table. That was my one obligatory Madden joke for the night. Every other shot will be because he earned it. -Vampiro came out and entered the cage. We are called that this is a "HOUSE OF PAIN MATCH!!" Did Russo make up the name? Anyone care to argue the theory that he knows about Bondage stuff like that? -RUSSO MAKES SNUFF FILMS IN HIS SPARE TIME!!!!! YOU SICK, SICK DEVIANT!!!!!! WHAT? YOU GET OFF ON KILLING HELPLESS GIRLS??? DO YOU??? -You do? Then Hell, I'll send you my entire collection! I've got a woman again... I don't need it. -Sting came out wildly swing a bat. Batting away the Demons that try to tempt him away from the love of God. PRAISE JEEZUSAA -Someone get Sting some therapy... NOW!!!!! -Vampiro locked the cage door and refused to let him in. Any normal man would shrug his shoulders, turn around, and head for the nearest Strip club. Not Sting. He started to climb to the top of the cage. Which has a roof, I should add. Also let me add that they have Handcuffs on at least two, and perhaps all four cage sides. The winner is the one who cuffs his opponent to a wall. The he gets to "have his way" with him. (Uh oh, I feel a Bible reading coming on if Vamp gets clamped up) -actually, since this is Biloxi, the loser gets locked up in a room with a drunk Chris Walken and won't be let out until Walken "makes a soldier" out of him. -Sting climbs the cage and ends up nose to nose with Vamp. I heard Sting mutter, "Now be cool, the last time I tried this I blew my knee out and spent 40 minutes trying to get away without looking like the freaking leg was about to fall off." Vampiro answered, "Oh yeah, I remember... I was 6 years old when I saw that." Sting then began to openly weep. -Sting was on top of the cage, so he howled. Dude, it ain't Mount Everest. Then he took his ball bat and proceed to bang at a roof section that gave away MUCH too easily. CALL ME CRAZY, BUT THIS MIGHT BE RIGGED!!!! -Sting bangs away his section, then swings down and gives Vampiro a few good kicks. -He jumped down. The Announcers began the first embarrassing sign of ineptitude of the evening by literally GUARANTEEING us that whoever gets shackled will BE BEATEN FROM HEAD TO TOE AND RIGHT BACK UP TO HEAD WITH THE BASEBALL BAT!!! WE HERE AT WCW PROMISE YOU THAT WHOEVER GETS HANDCUFFED HERE WILL BE BEATEN WITH THE BALL BAT UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!! IT'S A LIVE EXECUTION ONLY HERE, ONLY... ON NITRO!!!!!!! -Sting took early control, nailing in a "Stinger Splash" which actually used to FINISH OFF his opponents. (Back in those days, we used to have to meet people FACE TO FACE in order to make friends. Not like now, when we can let our asses store energy as we stare at a Computer screen all day) -Sting kicked the bat away absently. Hudson promised to send his child off to White Slavery is someone DIDN'T get their heads bashed in until gray matter came out tonight. -Vampiro enjoyed some control. -Sting was beaten into a corner. Hudson and Madden argued over the angle the bat must be swung in order to send the nose cartilage up into the brain. -Vampiro stayed in control. Tony demanded on air that his wife get the kids to bed right NOW!! They are too young to witness what we are about to see. -Vampiro tried for a Flying Hurracarana. Sting turned it into a sloppy ass Powerbomb. (Time to hit the gym again Stevo!) -Sting clotheslines the kid around. Tony reports that all the major News Media on the planet are currently on route to Biloxi to witness the televised beating first hand. Promise promised that at the end of the show, the bloody bat will be chopped into splinters so everyone will get a piece of the History making event. -Sting grates Vampiro's face against the cage. Hudson demands that Tony "hold him". -Madden insists that all this grating will "cut Vampiro's head into ribbons". Alas, his makeup wasn't even smudged. -Sting shackles Vamp's hands to the cage wall. STING WINS!!!! MADDEN SWEARS THAT HE HAS JOE PESCI ON THE PHONE LIVE SO HE CAN HEAR IT IN REAL TIME AND WATCH IT ON DELAY!!! -Tony, like the bloodthirsty DOG THAT HE IS... "Let the Carnage BEGIN!!!" -Sting runs and bodyblocks into Vampiro twice, barely budging the prick. -Tony, "YOU HAVE HIM AT YOUR MERCY STING!!!! DO WHAT YOU WILL!!! DO WHAT YOU MUST!!!!" -Madden, "CIVILIZATION HAS EVOLVED FOR A THOUSANDS OF YEARS SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!!!" -Hudson, "I HEAR TRUMPETS!!!! I SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT IN THE SKY!!! DEAR CHRIST, THE HEAVENS ARE CONVERGING!!!!!" -Sting's music plays, the cage lifts, and Sting walks away. Then the lights dimmed as the cameras see Vamp slipping out of the cuffs by way of hidden latches. Man, this company still SUCKS AND IT ALWAYS WILL UNTIL THEY GET THE ANNOUNCERS HEAD OUT OF EACH OTHER'S COLLECTIVE ASSES!!!!!!! -I mean, they HYPE, HYPE, AND HYPE SOME MORE... and it NEVER lives up to their blustering. -Instead of one obnoxious Schiavone, we have two obnoxious Schiavone and one slightly improved Schiavone. Even Hudson, who was SO good during those two weeks he worked Tony's role. Now HE's unbearable. -AND MADDEN CAN RENT HIS UNDERWEAR OUT AS AN IMAX SCREEN!!!!! FAT F**K!!! -Backstage, and enraged Shane Douglas attacked Bryan Clark and slammed his head with a car trunk a few times. What's HIS problem? -Hudson asks frantically. "IS THAT... IS THAT GOLDBERG'S TRUCK???" He only did that so we'd stay tuned past 9 in hopes of catching a peak at the moron. I'd take Gordon Solie speaking through a Kazoo for two hours over this. -commercials. There is more poison is cigarettes than there is in Rat Poison. The problem is, if Rat Poison made you high, people would snort it by the piles. -Huge Hardon orders his group around. Hammer, Lash Lerioux, and Chavo Guerrero. Their shirts say "F.U.B.A.R". Well, there's the "Tango & Cash"/"Saving Private Ryan" connection... there's "F**k You Bischoff And Russo, and of course, there's "Females Under Balls Always Rule". I like that one. Maybe "Fruits Always Bawl After Receiving"? -Anyway, Hugh renamed Larioux... something that as edited out of the replay. Nice going Vince. Larioux responded by saying something that might has well have been edited, because I couldn't decipher it at all. He renamed Hammer: "Sergeant Stash", and Chavo: "Lieutenent Loco". Chavo responded by breaking out in a halfway decent impression of Psycho from "Stripes". (One question about that film. Anyone else wonder how Bill Murray and Harold Ramis got away with getting only slight trims while everyone else got the skintight shave?) -Hugh introduced a new cadet... Major Gunns. Out came this STACKED blonde. If this chick wasn't pulled DIRECTLY OUT OF some All Nude Strip Joint, I'll personally eat my own socks. -Unless she's been in WCW before and I'm just drawing blanks. -Kronic came to the ring. Hudson re-iterates that Larioux's name was "Corporal Cajun"... what's so dirty about that? Maybe a mic just went out? -Crush had a microphone. Other than the two times he cracked me up by stealing a line from Adam Sandler and telling Okerlund to go drink a nice cup of SHUT THE HELL UP... he has yet to dazzle me on the microphone. -Adams said that just because his partner missed the "4:20" out of Atlanta (Hudson perked up on that one. Madden wondered if he was referring to his weight. Douglas could use the time to jump him from behind), doesn't give Douglas the right to attack him in a one on one affair . Hmm, Adams is bigger, younger, stronger, and probably faster than Douglas... why did he need his partner again? What is he? A Pussy? -Adams said that is Douglas don't get his ass out there, they will go backstage and tear the building down "brick by brick"... (ooh, those thinly veiled pot references will keep the damn hippies tuned in all night long.) -Douglas came out with a mic. He didn't get much farther than the entrance way. He ordered his music shut down, then swore like a frickin' unskilled Internet Writer... (the foulest voice on the Web, yet you have NEVER read the full "F-word" in any of my columns. Try that Irony on for size) -Shane said that if they thought he was crazy enough to come down there and take his rightful WCW tag team belts with no back up, then Kronic has more muscle between their brains than even HE thought. (Which is really a COMPLEMENT!!) -Shane said he'll come and bring back up ONLY if they put the belts on the line. WCW can suspend Buff for a month all they want. It doesn't matter... he's got... oh God. -Shane has a partner who is new Blood, like Shane himself is New Blood (*COUGH36ifhesadayHACK*). For a hint, Shane pointed out the bunches of tables around the ring. No, it isn't Rocco Rock and it damn sure ain't Johnny Grunge. -Shane came out with the Wall. Where IS Alex Wright anyway? -Clark went for the Pump Handle Slam on Shane which squishes one's arm against one's nuts more than anything. (Thus, Tom Green is now completely immune to the move's effect) The Wall put a stop to that. -It didn't last long before Clark chased Douglas away, and Douglas kept right on moving, abandoning is partner for good. (Can you blame him?) -Madden, "ADAMS JUST TOSSED THE WALL AROUND LIKE A FRISBEE!!!!" Even though the Wall didn't spin around once OR hovered around one area for a second before landing somewhere else. My guess is a Frisbee looks like a Pizza, so Mark made the connection. -Adams put the wall through a table, then tried to do it to another one, but it didn't give (the saw break or something?). The Wall splashed on Adams through a table. This one broke. -Clark came back. They prepared the Wall for a double "Rock Bottom" (Thieving Bastards) on the Announcer's Table. Madden either said "Shit" or "Jesus". Either way, the replay took quick care of that. I hope he gets reamed for lack of professionalism (meanwhile, Ross used the word "A-Hole" and is mere inches away from calling Patterson a full blown fagola... FRIGGIN' WWF GETS ALL THE BREAKS!!!) -Why would "Jesus" be edited? What is wrong with Madden acknowledging our Lord and Savior? I guess WCW doesn't want to offend their monstrous Muslim audience. -The table is trashed. For several BLISSFUL moments, the Announcers are muted. IT'S THE BEST DAMN NITRO WE HAVE EVER SEEN!!!! -We see a chick holding this HUGE sign upside down. The funny part is nobody bothered to tell her this. You have GOT to respect that. -They get their sound back. The show sucks again. Madden claims that he has splinters in his mouth. That's right. He eats the table during commercials. DON'T YOU DARE BE SHOCKED!!!!!! -Kronic wins after this, of course. Medics rush in to aid the Wall. The Wall gets up on his own and beats up the Medics. He puts one of them through a table. He still sucks. -Backstage, DINF bitches at Bischoff about how it's time he tries yet ANOTHER gimmick on for size. Eric tells him to go right on ahead. Then Terry Funk is pushed into the Office by Ernest Miller. (Oh Jesus, RETIRE, TERRY!!!!! GET OUT BEFORE YOU ARE FORCED TO LAY DOWN FOR THIS CLOWN!!!!!!!!!! HE IS BISCHOFF'S CREATION!!!! HE WILL NEVER LOSE AGAIN!!!!!!) -After promising bodily harm of the oral persuasion should Miller ever lay hands on him again, Funk asks Bischoff what he wants. Eric says that this will be "very short and very simple" (Kind of like HIM! *rim shot* How the elephant got in my pants I have no idea!) -Eric wants a clean slate tonight and told Funk to hand the belt over to him and make life easy. Funk response was so obvious that I needn't recap it. -Miller attacked and started pounding on Funk in the corner as Eric went back to his newspaper and discussed the possibility of Kimberly working during the weekends washing dishes... I think. It was an amusing visual. -Of course, the fun part is that we get to learn how to hate Eric all over again. His over selling almost ruined the Hogan/Kidman PPV match... and he's gotten SO fat now. -commercials -Smiley and Ralphus engage in backstage, unemployed antics. They are homeless and broke, so how did they get from wherever Nitro was held last week to Biloxi this week? -Anyway, Smiley decided that they need meaningful employment... (I hear the Heroin business is BOOMING in Mississippi) -Goldberg's Monster Truck is there. Tony drops all pretense and says, "Look, he could show up ANYTIME between now and the end of the show. Or not at all. He could show up for half a second, or work a 20 minute match. We don't know. We didn't see the cage until the house lights went off. We are puppets. We are automatons. All we know is that the competition is about to come on and we need to make and instant ratings dent or it's back to Sid as World Champ. STAY ON THIS GODDAM CHANNEL OR I WILL SHOOT MYSELF IN THE BALLS!!!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!! MCMAHON HAS MADE ENOUGH MONEY!!! ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE NITRO A CHANCE!!!!" -The Filthy Animals come out to an musical entrance that rivals the first time Berlyn showed up. Juventud Guerrera officially joined the group... although I'm sure he joined a while ago... like I give a crap. -The get in the ring. Juvee announces that "Finalee, the Jews has come BACK to Wuloxee!!!!" Huh? I knew they were tossed out of Israel (India?? Egypt??) but when were they driven out of Wuloxee? I didn't get a chance to read the paper this morning... what happened? -Konan told "Terry Fu**" that he's old. Suddenly, I remember why God invented the Fast Forward button. Fire him NOW!!!!!!! -Ernest Miller came out and tossed a beaten Funk into the ring. "Full House" was retired with more dignity than this... so was Jeff Dahmer (this is a PARAPHRASED reference to a caption to the GREATEST COMIC STRIP EVER CREATED... I DARE you to take a guess). -The three douchebags beat the snot out of Funk. Including one solid swan dive onto a chair with was on top of him. They were about to do it again when the Misfits ran in with Disco Inferno and cleaned house. -Then Booker T ran in and helped lay out EVERYONE. He put Funk's arm on Juvee and Funk won. Okay. With Funk on board, I'm willing to pay more attention to the Misfits. -The Girl ran out too. Mostly to take off her shirt. Also to give Funk some mouth to mouth. Funk recovered. Funk also discovered something he hasn't seen in a LOOOONG while. What? You need me to hold your hand and walk you through EVERY obvious joke, Retard? -A limo pulls in and Flair STORMS out. Fatten has enough time to point out the Goldberg truck yet again before we are herded off to some... -commercials -Some... err... "guy"(?) gives Smiley and Ralphus a job selling Popcorn. I've seen guys at a Streisand Concert with more testosterone. -Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. What the Hell am I doing at a Streisand Concert. Just step off from this line of questioning before I break out a performance of "People". -Flair storms into Bischoff's office and starts yelling (Art Imitates Life, round 90). He wants to know where Russo's hiding. Bischoff doesn't know. Flair reminded him about some off-air discussion about F-ing with him. Bischoff swears he doesn't know. Flair says that if Russo doesn't turn up, then Bischoff will feel his rage. Flair leaves. Bischoff tells Miller to go get Russo and tell him that Flair's on the rampage. Bischoff tells Miller exactly where to find Russo. Nobody is smarter than Eric Bischoff. -Next week, Nitro is on an hour early until 9. Let's see how Kronic, Steiner's libido, all those titties, all that foul language, and Madden's grotesque body will be played at the Kiddie time of 7 O'CLOCK???? -Bet'cha Russo will find all sorts of uses for the word "freaking" next week. -Chris Candido comes out with Tammy. Candido is on the stick and announces that they are quite obviously the "first couple of sports entertainment!" (The rule to qualify is that the female MUST go through Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels first... as I bring up, with all the subtlety of a Bull in the proverbial China shop, non-verified innuendo that's older than my ‘96 Neon.) -Candido continued, since he is a good mood... he challenged ANY couple to a match tonight... and he'll even put the Cruiserweight belt up t'boot. -Madden sees nothing but boobs as Tammy disrobes and claims that this is really the first "Trio" of Sports Entertainment. Obviously, Madden counts the two breasts, and not the body or the mind holding them. He's single, ladies!!! Well, technically, he's DOUBLE, but... you know what I mean. -Out comes Daffney and Crowbar. The Body Donnas should eat these kids for breakfast. -Miss Handcock comes out. Madden screams, "Snootchie Booties". (Dude... DUDE... Kevin Smith couldn't make that work, what makes you think YOU can?) -Daffney kicked Candido in the nuts, then DDT'ed him. Tammy stood there untouched and watched her pin him without help. (She'll work the rust off). Candido kicked out anyway. -Tammy gives Crowbar a neckbreaker. Nothing came out of it. -Crowbar gave Candido a "Vader Drop" from the railing. Then they played awkward catch with a chair. Then Tammy Baseball slid into the Crow with Chairbar's face behind it. (Just seeing if you are paying attention.) -Miss Handcock decided to get on the mic and announce that she will be doing a dance now. Which she did. The HELL is she doing with David Flair? -Handcock left. Crowbar gave Candido a "Gourdbuster" on the ramp. In the ring, Tammy gave Daffney a Diamond Cutter. Tammy looked towards Candido. Ditzy rolled Tammy up. Daffy won the Cruiserweight belt. I must go check to see if my ears are bleeding... this bitch can SCREAM. -Flair stormed out and snotted the pound out of Crowbar and chased the Dizzy chick away. He gets on the stick, screams, "WHOOOO" and demands that Vince Russo get his ass out there NOW! This might be good. -Flair tells Russo that "The Game is over" (What does HHH's success have to do with ANY of this?) -In the control room, Russo yelled that they had better run the tape when he damn well tells them to run the tape. The Director calmly looked at Russo and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't understand. I don't speak Hebrew." (OH NO... NO... NO!!! THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT DAMMIT!!!!) -commercials -Flair is still calling Russo out. He also called him an "asshole". -Meanwhile, Sting's comes out to find his car on fire. (It's burning? In Mississippi? a Mississippi Burning? WHERE'S GENE HACKMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM THE MOST??) -That wasn't even the strangest part. What was REALLY whacked is that apparently, Sting leaves the building dressed in his gear and with his makeup still on. -Even MORE whacked than that is Sting apparently flew into a frenzy, dropped to his knees, and screamed, "I CAST THEE OUT OF MY RENTAL CAR, SATAN!! THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND HE COMMANDS THEE TO GET THEE GONE FROM MY MID-SIZED SEDAN!!!" (freeeKEY) -Oh Russo, just get out there before Flair starts talking about lighting up the Ol' Miss with Mr. Wrestling II and making a Woman out of Bill Watts daughter. -Instead, we get a tape of Russo, David, and Daffney getting out of a Corvette (Daffney rode in the trunk, this should offend no one) and entering the Flair estate. -Whoa... Brother Richard has a Mansion. -So, after whining about never getting to take the Mercedes out for a spin... David, Daffney, and Russo go inside. -Hey!! Bugsy McGraw is Flair's Lawn man! -Inside, Russo and David gaze at a portrait of The Wife and the siblings. Russo loudly wonders how many facelifts she's been through (now THAT'S cold). -Russo called the young girl in the picture, David's stepsister, the "Demonchild"... (Wow) -Then there's Reid... the kid who took out Bischoff in seconds the week after Eric single handily tore through an army of Chicago Security officers with his bare hands. Remember that stunt, kids? David expressed vehement jealousy towards the kid. (Well gee... his two appearances still had more charisma than a year's worth of this guy) -We saw Flair's "Master Bedroom", aka: Space Mountain. Russo rolled around on it. The threatened to "violate" it. (He doesn't have the BALLS!!!!!). The announcers finally figured out that this was "Trespassing". Yeah, okay... and one verifying phone call makes me a "stalker"... grow UP and get your heads out of your asses. -Well, he probably does. He DID put "semen" in Val Venis's squirt gun. TNT doesn't have the BALLS. -They looked at the Flair pool. David claimed that he could never swim there. He was made to swim in a tiny water hole that we really couldn't see. Russo called it "shark infested"... Hudson was the only one with the brains to question that. -They go into a massive walk-in closet. Russo is amazed at the number of shoes Ric owns. I see a pair of Bruno Maglis... HOLY CRAP!!! FLAIR KILLED NICOLE AND RON GOLDMAN!!! QUICK, SOMEONE CALL OJ AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM ON BEHALF OF 90% OF THE FREE SPEAKING WORLD!!!!! -Russo tried on one of Flair's wrestling robes. Meanwhile, 90 minutes against Barry Windham didn't produce the sweat that Flair is pouring as he watched this. -They go into Reid's room and look at all his Trophies. David announces that Daddy never once went to any of his sporting events. (One simple question: How many times did YOUR Dad butthump you in front of family and friends? That's what I thought. F-YOU!) -They go into David's room. You can figure it out. -Finally, Mom, Older Sister, and Reid come home. Russo is so "New Yorkish" that Reid gets a little freaked and shoves him. Russo is very briefly flustered, but recovers fast enough to avoid notice. Either the whole family was freaked, or they a KILLER actors. -The tape ends. Close up on Flair, near tears. -Then David and Daffney come out. David has a mic. The first thing he says makes ZERO sense. "Everyone shut up while I'm talking!" (but you weren't TALKING, you moron!) -David tells "Ric" that "his Dad" is busy in the back. So anything he has to say to HIM, he can say to HIM. (oh, you know what I mean!) Ric, very calmly, invites David to come to the ring and he will relay the message. There had BETTER BE SOME FUDGE PACKING INVOLVED OR THE PUNK WILL NEVER LEARN!!!!!! -David and Daffney come out. Ric says that these are the biggest steps David will ever make. David entered the ring and Ric re-iterated. David asked why. Ric said that tonight, David will grow up. -Ric said that he saw Thunder last week where David called Arn Anderson (ofcoursericwasquicktoincludethatarnis thegreatstthigtohappen tothesportsincedisposablesyringes) "Uncle Arnie". He asked if David thought that was funny. -David went near hysterical and asked Ric if he knew how it felt to live in Flair's shadow for 21 years? (Oh sure, and becoming a wrestler is the surefire way to kill ANY comparison... isn't it?) -Flair told "Funny girl" to pay attention too, because she's involved. Daffney responded by sticking her tongue out. I may have a woman now, but she needs a slap. Eh... make it a punch. -Holy smokes. I have to get INTO this. -Nutshell: Flair arranged a title shot against Jarrett tonight so he can get his son at the GAB. He told David to go to his Hotel room, look in the mirror, and see what an "asshole" he had become for embarrassing his family like this. Okay? Good. Because here is the rest of the thing transcribed... that's right, transcribed... dig it... it RULES!!!!!! -Ric, "Here's what's going to happen. I told you at the start of this business. That they would manipulate you. They would knock it away. They would do anything to get me and you right here. Real life. They want to talk about my divorce to your Mother. They want to talk about your Brother and Sister. They want us to spill it. We're not doing it. What we are going to do, because you think you're Mr. Big Man now. You want it? I used to come home. You were six years old. You were wearing my boots! Here's the deal, at the Great American Bash, pick out your favorite pair of my old boots. Because, YOU... DAVID FLEUHR...MY OLDEST SON... will wrestle RIC FLAIR... NOT YOUR DAD!!!" -David, "Come Great American Bash, you better be ready to wrestle your SON! The one you left back in Minneapolis for so many years!" -Ric, "You know how many guys... Dusty Rhodes... Sting... Lex Luger... Harley Race. You know how many guys have told me to get ready? I LOVE GETTING READY!! I just didn't want, this moment to COME! But you keep pushing it, so it's going to happen!" -David, "I'M READY!!! I'M READY, DAD... TO KICK YOUR ASS... AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH!!!" -Ric, "THEN DON'T WAIT!!! IF YOU'RE READY... DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! GET UP AND DO IT!! REMEMBER THIS: NOTHING IN LIFE! NOTHJING YOU EVER DO, IN YOU'RE ENTIRE LIFE, WILL MAKE YOU ANY HIGHER, WILL GIVE YOU A BATTER BUZZ, WILL GET YOU CLOSER TO REALITY, THEN WRESTLING RIC FLAIR... AND NOT YOUR DAD... AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH!!" -Ric, "And here's how big it is to me. You've embarrassed me. You've embarrassed your family. Here's how big it is to me... if ,by the grace of God, I don't care how it happens, if I lose to you... I will retire from this business for the rest of my life. That's how big it is to me. If I lose to YOU, you EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR FAMILY... if I lose to YOU... I will retire from this business forever!!!" -Then Jeff Jarrett ran out and attacked. He put Flair in the Figure Four, then David started punching his head. The Announcers took over as the moment ended rather... err... weakly. -Still... raw, gripping stuff. Russo is clearly having a field day with these new characters. -Anyway, Russo is somewhere in the back, on the phone and demanding that someone get up there and "fix it". Then he grabbed Liz and said it was "tough love time" (WILL SOEMONE PLEASE SODOMIZE SOMEONE AND GET IT OVER WITH!?!?!?!?!? YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS!!!!) -commercials -Vince Russo comes out as we see that the steel cage is back in place. He enters the cage with Elizabeth. That new Luger kid is there too, but he stayed inside. -In the cage, Vince yells to Liz that she has been making a "Horse's ass" out of him (I wonder if there is some alternative Universe out there that is identical to us except that THEY say "I don't give a Horse's ass" and "You have made a rat's ass out of me"? Let us all light up the Bongs and ponder) -Vince says that this is a "Tough Love" lesson for Liz. So she will be in a "House of Pain" match against Madusa. -Madusa comes out. Jesus, those titties have GROWN. -So has that booty. -Russo had the Main Event lock the cage door. Then he berated Elizabeth. -A guy climbs the cage... Oh F-It... obviously it's Luger. He's disguised as a maintenance man. The disguise comes off and the tide turns. -Madusa attacks Luger. Luger is like Saturn. He don't sell to broads either. Madusa's up in the Rack. -Russo with the Low Blow. Luger reaches in and pulls out a cup (Wow!! It only took him 20 years in the business to decide that he needs one!!) -Russo's back is turned and Liz hits hit with a shoe. Then she jams the cup in his face. -The door is opened. Luger gets maced by the security force. Luger gets beat on. Russo wins again. -Nash calmly strolls out as cool as he can be. He proceeds to clean house. Russo grabs Liz and the main Event and runs out. The Security Force is tuned on. I have no problems with this new "Hit and Run" Kevin Nash. -Madusa was going to get Powerbombed, but Mike Awesome is out. Luger finally chases him away with a pair of bolt cutters. -Nash is on the mic and calls Awesome, "Eddie Money" (I don't se... wait a second... yeah... YEAH!!!! OKAY!!! I SEE IT NOW!!! HAW!!) -Y'know, I always thought that Eddie was missing teeth up top. I NEVER saw them. -Anywhoo, Nash told Awesome that he's had enough of his constant interference, so he's leaving the building tonight in an ambulance. He challenged him to an "Ambulance Match" -Awesome grabbed a mic and said, "Nash, you want to challenge me to an Ambulance Match?" (To which, in a RARE moment of wit, Tony quipped, "I think that's what he just said.") -Of course, Awesome accepted, with all the obligatory threats and promises therein. -Mean Gene Okerlund makes an appearance. He's there so Scott Steiner can come out and tell Russo to go F-Himself. Scott ain't working tonight. He's is going to go outside and wait for Tank and Rick Steiner to show up because "There are too many FRICKIN' RULES in wrestling!!" (Jesus, one interview with one of their idiots and he's talking like a Wrestleliner) -commercials. This show had best be nearing the wrap up... because I am heading right into cruise control. -Smiley and Ralphus are selling popcorn. -Tony pushed WCW Magazine. When will their new editor, Paul Poison, arrive? -Scotty finds Tank and Rick. He starts swinging with Tank while the girls attack Rick with 2 by 4's (HOOOOOOOOO). Ever the Rocket Scientist, Rick chases after the girls (now that I think about it... it's not THAT dumb a move). -Tank and Scott throw down a bit. Then Rick shows up again (well, he's an idiot). Scott didn't last. -Nash in backing up his Ambulance. -commercials -Nash and Awesome come out. This takes a bit more time than usual. -They start going at it. -"Career Killer" Awesome... it works. -Nash produces a chair. At one point, he jams it in Awesome's face. -They fight up the ramp. Other than Goldberg, I've never seen Nash sell so much in WCW. Madden agreed with me. I SAID IT FIRST, DAMMIT!!!! -Awesome shook Nash up enough to make his way to the Ambulance. DDP comes out of nowhere and Diamond Cuts him. -DDP didn't take off. He stayed there and both he and Nash pounded the guy. Nash TRIED to Jacknife Awesome off the ramp and down to a table, but Awesome was too heavy and Nash almost lost him. (Better hit the GYM some more Kevin!!!! Well... okay... Ankle Injury... right) -Page ran in and helped Awesome from getting his neck broken from a sloppy powerbomb. Awesome went down. Awesome stayed down. The match officially ended. -Bischoff was watching this, and didn't like it one bit. -What Luck (what scripting!!). Hulk Hogan has arrived. -commercials -Ralphus and Smiley were fired because Ralphus dove into the popcorn cart. -Guess which Announcer was eating Popcorn at the time? I'll give you a hint... he ain't bald and he ain't Tony. -Eric Bischoff came out with Kimberly and Ernest Miller. Eric got on the mic and called out DDP for a fight. He advised Page to bring backup. -Page came out with AL ISAACS!!!! HOLY COW!!!! -No, just kidding. Page came out alone. The censors took care of page's mouth as he used the word "Pussy"... (hmm... later tonight, Shane McMahon got to say it loud and clear? COINCIDENCE??? SH'YEAH RIGHT!!) -Page told Cat to go call his Momma and jumped into the ring. -Page cleaned house... BIG TIME. Both Miller and Bischoff got a whuppin' -Then Kimberly chaired Page. Miller went to work. -Who should come out but Sid. Wearing a shirt that read "SID! NUFF SAID" (kinda sums it up nicely too.) -Sid goes to a ring corner and anxiously awaits Page's tag... although it was never really a tag team match. -Page tags Sid... and I just knew. Sid isn't Mr. Subtle. -Sid (Who is about as close to being "New Blood" as Bischoff is to being "In Shape") turned on Page. He shook Eric's hand. -Hulk Hogan ran out and cleaned house. Tony, "HOW DID THEY GET TO HIM?? HOW DID THEY GET TO SID VICIOUS????" (What are they? VAMPIRES???) -Eric runs to the entrance way and says that if Hulk wants to play in HIS house, he'll let him PLAY. Then he called him a dead man. Okay, whatever. -commercials -Bischoff is backstage telling Horace that he gets a shot at his Uncle tonight. When did this happen? -Hogan is still in the ring. Bischoff and Kidman come out. Bischoff has a mic and says that Horace is going to wipe the floor with him tonight. Hudson says that Russo has broken up the Flair's and Bischoff has broken up the Hogans. (The problem is, David is sort of cool, Horace is sucking up our VALUABLE OXYGEN!!!!!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!) -Hogan and Kidman went at it while Horace stood in the ring looking confused (I'm convinced it's his natural state). Bischoff gets on the mic and quickly tells Hudson to shut up, nobody is talking to him. -After a while, members of the New Blood run out. Hogan takes care of most of them. Horace picks a side and joins his Uncle. Then Torrie Wilson comes out and bats eyelashes at Horace, Horace turns on his Uncle and switches sides. Horace is literally behaving like a retarded person would behave. -commercials -Backstage, Torrie gets into a Limo with Horace. Bischoff keeps Kidman out. If Horace really gets to touch her... I mean in real life. I will castrate myself online. I'm sure ScoopThis will set it up. -Russo comes out with David Flair and... her. -Ric Flair comes out. All he does is fight in street clothes now? it's not like haven't SEEN those sagbags before? -Jarrett comes out. Ric attacks him at the entrance way. -It's at ringside and it's all Ric. Russo and David are with the Announcers. Unless he trashed his former company, and certain numb faced Okies... I will ignore it. -Back in the ring, back out of the ring. Jarrett now has the control. -Jarrett uses a chair... freely. -Jarrett puts Flair in the Figure Four. Anyone else waiting for the time when either Bischoff or Russo orders someone to end the match before anyone submits? Isn't it time for WCW to have their version of Montreal? -Flair's out of the Figure Four. Long enough to do that move where he flips upside down and over the corner, then runs to the other end, only to get caught up top and slammed hard. (That move hasn't worked since the early 80'S!!!!!!) -Out of nowhere, Flair cradles Jarrett. The Ref hits three. -Flair is the new World CHAMP???? HOLY SHIT!!!!! -Jarrett and crew did not take this well. The attack was on. -Nash runs out. Scaring Russo. He grabs Jarrett, sets him up, and gives a weak Jacknife. -Jarrett goes through a gimmicked part of the ring. It did NOT look good. Nash basically just dropped him. No real Power behind it. It didn't make sense. -Nash helped Flair to his feet, then shook his hand. -out back, Bischoff tells Shane Douglas that he will get to book Thunder on... whenever Thunder comes on. How should I know? -Flair is holding a World belt again. Now THAT is a swerve. -The show ends. Russo has bragged that this is the best Nitro he's ever written. I am convinced that this revolves around the sketch and Casa de Flair. It wasn't THAT good. Flair and his Son WAS that good. Flair winning the belt WAS that good. RAW is blown out of the water. For the first time... maybe EVER. Nitro wins. After a shitty start, and insinuations that Goldberg's there. Lying pricks. I should give it to RAW on that alone. Naaahh. Good show. So, for the Closer. I tried to find a "parody" I did for the old site which centered around some made up quotes from Ryder's "Notes from Bob" Prodigy stuff. At the time, Bob was still telling anyone who would listen that he wasn't biased. It was a fun piece, that Remy cut out a day later. Someone complained... take a wild, F-ing guess who. Anyway, I lost the piece. In fact, I lost ten Mop-Ups due to a damaged disc. Too bad, because there was some rip roaring stuff in there. Anyway, since I am currently really digging on this new chick. I thought I'd reprint this. An old closer I ran roughly 40 columns ago. It's some of my Pick Up lines. Some are goofy, but some will really work. I cut some dated ones (referring to the old place), and added a bunch of new ones. I think it works out nicely. Give them a looksee. HYATTE'S PICK-UP LINES: "Hi, thousands of 12 year olds worship me" "Want to buy the King of the Internet a drink?" "I write a column that's adored by tens of thousands, and one day, I hope to get paid for it!" "Hi, I can out drink anyone in this bar." "I am great at sex, I can masturbate for a half an hour without losing control" "My name is Chris, it rhymes with piss" "Didn't I see you in a Seymour Butts video?" "Did I die? Am I dead? Then why is an angel standing before me?" "Say the word and you'll star in my new movie, ‘Mission Horizontal'". "Sweetheart, you haven't lived until you've had a fat ass" "If that jerk you're with has a web page, I can chase him off the Internet inside 2 months" "My job allows me to take 30 weeks off a year" "Hey, where you going in them jeans?" "I ain't no fag, but I am willing to learn" (note... use ONLY with bisexual women...or really hot guys) "Everyone on the web either hates me or wants to be me!" "Hey baby, every week hundreds of people tell me I suck, wanna see for yourself?" "I write a hugely popular web column for free, I don't feel that I'm being misused, because I do it FOR THE CHILDREN!! IT'S ALL FOR THE CHILDREN!!!" "I just wish that I could reach more people. Come closer and I'll start with you" "Don't move... you have a cockroach on your chest, let me brush it off." "Don't move... you have a cockroach on your fly, here let me... ooops, it just went down your pants... I'll get it." "I may not be Freddie Durst, but I have one Hell of a Limp Biscuit." "My Mom died, please blow me." "I used to play in Quiet Riot!" "Give me your phone number, I PROMISE I won't post it on ICQ." "If you let me get you drunk, I'll let you puke in my toilet." "Come to my place. We'll go on ICQ and watch a bunch of teenagers kiss my ass." "Hey, the best part is that if you get pregnant, you'll never see me again!" "Come see why I'm the #1 Heart Throb to every old, drunk Housewife there is in Atlanta." "You have a big ass, I have this small pecker... Baby, we be MADE for each other!!" "I'm willing to dip my pecker in oil so you can feel like you're doing a black guy!" "My tongue has the agility of a ballerina." Okay, so some of the are lame, but you know what... THEY'LL WORK!!!!! Women LOVE self depreciating comments. Do you know how many Ultra Macho studs are walking around out there who take themselves WAAAAY too seriously? If you are different, if you are unique... if you show some wit and intelligence, you CAN SCORE!!! I SWEAR!!! Unless, of course, she's a total dimwit, then leave her alone. Let one or two of those macho studs pick her up, hump her in the back of their Cherokee, then dump her ass on the side of the road. She'll only make you want to kill her in the end. If she has a brain, she wants someone with one too. Make her laugh, and she'll make you eggs in the morning. Of course, I'm all set now. I am completely taken with this new one. The sun seems shinier, the sky bluer, my food tastes better, flowers are more fragrant. Life seems... pretty cool. God Bless Amore Melissa Rules! This is Hyatte!