Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of the May 15 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte SKIP DIRECTLY TO RAW SHOW RECAP Once again, I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up. No excuses for last week. No songs of turmoil and treachery. No car accidents, no broken collar bones, no accounts freezing, no computers melting. I just put in 6 weeks worth of brilliance and wanted a week off. End of story. Eat me. The funny part is... I had told STc two weeks ago that I'd be gone for a week, this was all pre-planned, but USA went out on my cable system last week for the first 45 minutes anyway. So either way, I wasn't posting anything anyway. So... it's been a week, so I have three big things I'd like to cover here in the opener, with a possible fourth on deck, if I have the space... and if I remember the friggin' thing. Okay, Topic #1: I have an idea for a closer that would require audience participation. The problem is, I'm not really sure if you nitwits are willing to play I am considering doing a contest where people write short stories, fiction pieces, with the top 5 or 3 being posted right here. I realize that a lot of you are groaning at the idea of reading pages and pages of horrible fiction here, but it wouldn't be like that at all. Trust me... I know what I'm doing. So, all you people reading who have had submissions turned down by Trey, would you want to try this out? All you wannabe writers who think you have the gift... would you be into this? I won't do it if only a couple of folks say yes, so if this sort of closer interests you, let me know and I'll run it next week. Topic #2: I was ready to give Bob Ryder another ripping for his INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS rant against Jim Ross for expressing his distaste with Kanyon's "bump" in St. Louis, but what would be the point? The time when Ralphus Ryder (and doesn't that image fit even MORE so now that we've actually seen what he looks like?) could keep up the charade of being credible is LONG gone. Jim Ross is really the "Voice of the WWF"... being the host of RAW and the PPV's. He is also a big part of the front office, and probably has at least an advisory role in the Booking... so you know what, he is ALLOWED to put down Kanyon's bump in the house where Owen died as "classless". Bob runs WCW's Internet show that NOBODY listens to... he has ZERO input on how things are run there... and only Jason Shaya has less value to the company than he does; yet he defends the product like he personally owns it... my friends, that's a textbook definition of "pathetic". Of course, what was REALLY classless was Bob HEAVILY INSINUATING that Owen died because of the WWF's carelessness. Even though a Judge agreed that it was a tragic accident. Nice going, prick. Of course, poor Scherer now has to make DOUBLY sure to "see both sides" of the controversy. Dave's too opinionated and conceited to be neutral on ANY subject. I wonder if how much he hates his "boss"? You KNOW he has to. The truth is, YES, it was classless to dump Kanyon from that height. It was also a sad WCW attempt to show that they are just as daring as the WWF and ECW. I don't mind them doing that, but they did it in St. Louis... don't doubt for ONE SINGLE SECOND that they didn't make it a POINT do something "extreme" in the building where Hart dropped. Plus, they had an idea of sending Bret up to the Kemper Arena's rafters for... I have no clue, for SOMETHING. THAT would have been classless too, but Lord help Ross if he had the nerve to say THAT too. And YES, the WWF isn't the decorum of class either. I'm not trying to gloss over that. It's just that all JR said was that what WCW did was not in good taste, and it was probably the reaction Russo and Bischoff was HOPING for. I'm just saying that Ralphus only made himself look like a jerkoff by screaming bloody murder about Ross's comments. Of course, as with at least 70% OF WCW's tricks, Kanyon's fall was a failure too. I checked out a few message boards (with less and less frequency... they are starting to suck HUGE), NOBODY'S talking about what a madman Kanyon is... at least not like they were falling all over Foley when he went down. I think that the reasons are: 1: Foley got up and finished the match, 2: Foley is charming, personable and well loved, and 3: Kanyon has greasy hair and still looks like he's smelling rancid fish all the time. The GOOD news is, the bump did succeed in getting Mike Awesome over as a legit bad ass... so they scored in that respect. Yeah, it's too long for a fourth topic... so we'll make this the third and FINAL note before the fun begins. It's about me. I met this girl at a restaurant last week. We went out a few times, talked for hours on the phone (a necessity for guys... you know what I mean), fooled around some. I tell ya'... she has breasts like the blonde chick "Amaya" from the "Real World: Hawaii", and her ass ain't half bad either. Finally.. I banged her Sunday night, Oh my God. It was... it was... F-me....ever have the kind of sex where... upon "climax"... it's like your life essence comes out with the rest of the nasty stuff? And afterwards, you can barely MOVE? Well, this was just like that. Apparently, she felt the same, because the phone calls are more frequent now. Basically what I'm saying is... well, I've got a new girlfriend now... and I think she's the one. TRUST ME... I never thought it would happen again, but here it is.. and she is EXTRAORDINARY. Dudes... I think I'm in love. Now before you write to me and bitch about how I waste valuable recap time talking about my social life that nobody cares about... let me say now.. F-YOU YOU FAGGOT!!!!!! For almost THREE YEARS I've been telling tales about myself. Even though I have elaborated parts of my life for comedic effect, the basis has always been true. This is what makes me, me... it's what sets me apart from all those other boring recappers, and it's why I have the most imitated style going... if you have a problem with this... DIE!!! I am an Internet guy who knows how to speak to women, I know this is a hard concept for you to deal with, I DON'T CARE!!!! HANDLE IT!!! A-HOLES!!!!! Me, Isaacs, Ryder, and Scherer... and probably Samuda. No one else apparently can relate to the babes. Yes, I know... the idea of Ralphus having a mate is creep city, but he's married. I should know, I've cranked called his wife a few times... HAAA!!!! Oh yeah, Brian Sullivan has a woman too... but I ain't going anywhere NEAR that one. ("Dear Asshole Hyatte, the reason nobody else mentions their sex lives is because they know something you apparently don't, they know that NOBODY CARES!!!! Nobody wants to hear you drone on and on about you getting some sex. Just keep making lame jokes and racial/homophobic/antisemitic comments like the bitch punk ass you are. You suck and in the perfect world, you'll be tossed in an oven by some Nazis just hours before you finally die from AIDS. You are a total loser and a horrible writer. Go away. Nobody likes you anymore you washed up HACK!!") Cut, paste, SEND! It's flaming made easy, courtesy of the Internet Hooligan. Yeah, I KNEW it would be a long opener. I'm sure most of you have blown this off and went straight to the mailboard to keep up with the current feud between Trey and Joe Petrow. I have no clue what the closer will be, I may post something that my old site had edited out a couple of years ago... but that would involve the long process of searching for it. I'll deal with it later... right after the recaps are finished. Which, by the way, begin right... nowRAW IS WAR (or: Lose hair fast by starting your own Wrestling Promotion!) -opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger", as Chuck single handily makes up for the last 224 years by treating some Native Americans to a Country/Western benefit concert. Smiles all around. They repay Norris by comping him for the weekend at Foxwoods Casino. God Bless Chuck. He's doing more for good will among the races than that fat bastard Steven Seigal ever did! Next week, Chuck ends Racial Tension with a special concert by Hootie and the Blowfish... and if the Rolling Sixties should get all uppity, well Chuck ain't above handing out a few cans of whup ass. -I hear USA canceled "La Femme Nikita"... and just as I was getting used to never watching it. -WWF: One world. Aren't we all just skid marks on the underwear that is the Universe? -Opening theme. As far as I can tell, the song goes like this: "It's the light of the box that joins the beat... taking charge of the arms that's the soul of me... Everyone go vote for GWB... walking past the ashes that they laid right now... (screeching guitar bridge)... Raw will light the torch in your eye" (Wow... political commentary in a thrash metal song?!?!? Who says the right wing is only for old, rich, white men?) -We got us some fireworks. I get no reaction, good or bad, for my often times outstanding War movie references that go here... so out they go. -Jim Ross proudly boasts that "18'123 fans have sold out the Gund Arena". BULL!! There's only 9061 1/2 people in that building! Just because they are obese doesn't mean you can count each one TWICE!!!! -Ross introduces Jerry "The King" Lawler, then quickly reminds us that this Sunday, yet ANOTHER Wrestling Pay Per View will fall on our heads. Jesus, nobody EVER gives us a break. Thank God I have a cheater bo....WHOA.. I MEAN THANK GOD I AM WEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO PAY FOR MY PAY PER VIEWS LIKE THE GOOD, CLEAN, GOD FEARING, RED, WHITE & BLUE AMERICAN THAT I AM!!!!!!!!!! -For some odd reason (i.e.: That damn bastard Russo and that friggin' WCW that just won't lay down and DIE), they feel the need to show us the Rock arriving on the scene. And Rocky thought that he could take a week off after filming "The Mummy 2"... HAA!!!! Guess again, Spanky! Last week's Jericho marathon only TRIPLED Nitro's numbers... too close for comfort. -I hear Rocky is being considered to get the "Conan" movie franchise going again? What? Rupert Everett isn't jumping all over this? -Music pipes in... familiar music. -Shawn Michaels comes out. Ross calls him "WWF Commissioner: Shawn Michaels." (WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT HE'S BEEN WORKING BEHIND THE SCENES ALL THIS TIME????) -I mean really, when did Piper give the title up? -AND ISN'T IT TIME FOR JACK TUNNEY TO COME BACK AND START KICKING A LITTLE ASS????? -Michaels gets on one knee at the ramp... must have strained his back again. SUCK IT UP SHAWN!!!!!! GET OUT THERE AND EARN YOUR OBSENELY HIGH PAYCHECK FOR A CHANGE!!! -*Note: from here on out, Michaels will be called "HBK" because it's easier and I am insufferably lazy* -So, HBK comes up. I find it eerie that Jim Ross knew that HBK was on his way back even before HBK did? Rumor has it Ross also knew that JFK would get whacked in Dallas, but he was a Nixon man. (DAMMIT JIM!!!! CAMELOT FELL BECAUSE OF YOUR DAMNABLE POLITICAL TASTES!!!!!!!) -HBK was wearing a "Miami Vice" white sportscoat over a bright T-shirt. My God, if he can bring back that look, PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET OFF WELFARE!!!!!!!!!! -HBK was also wearing a baseball cap... and his hair was long again. He's also got a bit of a paunch Actually, he sort of looks like Paul Heyman's younger brother. He must want that ECW cross promotion REAL BADLY. -He did that pose thing with the sports jacket still on. The only weight he's been lifting are his wife's fake titties. -Big sign that reads "PATTERSON NEEDS DEPENDS"... I don't know, that brown looked awfully bloody to me. Of course, why Patterson would have problems with rectal bleeding is beyond me. -Ross, "Why has Shawn Michaels chosen THIS NIGHT? In THIS CITY?? To make his RETURN to the WWF??" Umm, can I use a lifeline? -Oh... right. Al's in Florida... AND he's changed his number... AND he hates me now. Nevermind, Reeg. -Sign declares that "HBK IS GOD!!" Well if THAT were true, then why would he need to retire at the age of 34? -Oh, wait... Jesus was 33 when HE "retired"... okay, point taken. He's our Lord. -HBK soaked it up some, then got on the stick and properly introduced himself "for those who don't know who I am." (Oh, yeah, I remember you now! Aren't you the guy who almost ruined the WWF because your immature ego helped bring the company to it's lowest ebb?) -He reminded us that "at one time, years ago that is, they used to refer to me, simply as... the greatest wrestler that ever LIVED!!" (Ross admitted that it's hard to argue that point. BULL!!! DOES THE NAME BARON MIQUEL SICLUNA RING ANY BELLS?????) -probably not... young ass PUNKS!! -Is this an example of the "endless rambling" that I'm always being accused of doing? -HBK also reminded us that he was/is WWF Commissioner, yet he's been doing a piss poor job of it as of late, letting people get away with nonsense without being "punished", (umm, such as the time Savio Vega threatened to sue Titan for dangerous work conditions after getting into a scuffle with Bret Hart after goofing on him in front of his family for boffing Sunny? Or the time Yokozuna orchestrated an in-ring Kayfabe breaking "farewell" to his friends who were going off to WCW? Oh wait... that wasn't Savio or Yoko... who WAS the guy who did that?) -HBK took blame for not "punishing" the proper people for their wrong doings. He explained that he recently had a shift in "priorities", including the "Shawn Michaels Wrestling Academy" (Learn how to stay on the injured list and still get paid), his very own promotion, the "Texas Wrestling Alliance" (We tried to get a Von Erich involved, but they were fresh out), and of course... his wife Rebecca and his four month old baby boy Cameron. (naming a MALE after Cameron Diaz? HBK might as well start giving the kid wedgies now, get him used to it.) -At some point here, HBK took off his cap. Oh Lord. HBK has a wee bit more forehead than usual. If that hairline goes any further back, George Lucas will be able to show Episode 2 on it. -Now all he has to do is convert to Judaism and Heyman will have no choice but to hook up with him. -So, HBK said that due to his lack of time and what not... he has "no choice" but to "retire" as WWF Commissioner. In reality, it is HE who should be punished. You see kids, it was HE who REALLY started this whole "Era" concept. He practically INVENTED the thing. Oh, you doubt his word? We-he-ell... just take a gander at THIS... -We see footage from the first "Smackdown", where HBK Superkicked the Rock out of any hopes of beating HHH for the WWF title. Oh yeah, isn't he supposed to be a Heel again? BOOO HISSSS BOOOOOOO!!! -back to HBK, shrugging his shoulders guiltily and looking remorseful. AWWW.. he's a face again... YAAAY HBK!!! YAAAYYY -Then he told the fans to go straight to hell and told them to ask their "mommas" how "gay" he really is. He's a heel again... BOO HISS BOOOOO -Then he smiled, slapped a few palms, and said that he was back in charge and that no good Vince McMahon will get his just due if he has anything to do about it. He's a Face again... YAAAAAYYY HBK YAAAAYYY. -This boy switches teams more often than Andy Dick. -After the footage wraps up... -Out comes Vincent K. McMahon, looking happier than Rosie O'Donnell at a Women's Golf Tournament. -HBK puts his hat on backwards. No man in his 30's should be allowed to do that. -Vince hits the ring and has a mic. He was greeted with a chant of "A-Hole". Ross said on air that they were calling him an "A-Hole" Lawler told him to watch his mouth. -Vince asked the fans not to ruin the moment, and called what we just saw, "some of the greatest ARCHIVAL (bless you spellcheck) footage of the World Wrestling Federation. He finished his thought, but I was too busy wondering if there was such a word as "archival", and for God's sakes... WHY??? -I focused back in time to hear Vince say that he didn't recall actually inviting Shawn to the dance tonight, but "since when does Shawn Michaels need an invitation?" -HBK responded by saying that he WAS invited to the dance tonight by the President and CEO of the World Wrestling Federation... namely Linda McMahon. (He would have been there LAST week, but Linda's monotone caused him to doze off and sleep through the second part of her invite) -HBK said he came here for two announcements. The first being that he resigned as Commish, BUT is newly hired as the Official "Spokesperson" of the WWF (Next week, Bischoff will come out on Nitro and show the infamous photo of the new "WWF Spokesperson" hanging out with Nash and wearing an NWO T-shirt... NICE GOING SHAWN!!! YOU JUST HELPED BISCHOFF HUMILIATE VINCE IN FRONT OF MILLIONS!!!!!!!) -HBK's second announcement is that the WWF will hold a 60 Minute Iron Man match on the next PPV between the Rock and Triple H, (Umm, HBK? We already KNEW this. Thanks for pointing out that YOU don't even watch your own company's product!!) -OOh, I DEFY you not to watch Vince's "acting" and not break out into major giggles. I've seen William Shatner do double takes with more subtlety. -It seems to Shawn, that there is only one man who made the 60 minute match "famous" (Yes, he's got bleached blonde hair, Jell-o pudding for breasts, and says "WHOO" a lot... what's your point?) -HBK heard that HHH called the Iron Man Match "the match everyone's afraid of"; not HBK, who is the ONLY man *stillcurrentlyintheworldwrestlingfederation* who has GONE 60 minutes in an Iron Man Match (much to Chris Candido's outrage)... so wouldn't it make SENSE that Shawn Michaels be the Guest Referee in this thing?? -No, Tony Stark would make more sense as the Guest referee... after all, it's an IRON MAN match!! -... -... -... *cough* -Listen carefully and you can hear the crickets chirping. -Ross freaked, Lawler flipped, Vince looked like he just discovered that Spock's brain was removed. He got on the mic. said a few words, then screamed "SHUT UP" to the fans. I love it when he does that. -Vince recovered and admitted that Shawn was "one of the greatest WWF champs of all time." (Ross piped in "WITHOUT QUESTION!!!!" (I don't know... Stan Stasiak's ten day reign really kicked ass!). Vince then reminded everyone that HBK was once sold as the most RESILIENT champ of all time too, (well, unless he was in Albany, drunk out of his gourd and hitting on guys' girlfriends). -Vince stabbed his finger into HBK's chest and asked the burning question, "Are you (as resilient) NOW?" -HBK waited a few beats, then shoved Vince down. Vince hit the mat and banged his head hard. His hair actually shimmied on impact. -HBK's music played and he walked out slapping hands and smiling. I think he misses this. -Jesus, even I'm embarrassed by the amount of space I dedicated to this segment. I DO ramble on. -Spot for "Judgment Day". What's this SHIT I've been hearing about how there is doubt that HHH and the Rock can go 60 minutes and make it entertaining? Hunter has proven to be one of the BEST workers IN this sport. He has shown the ability to work ANY sort of match very well. He also makes his opponents look good too. Rikishi looked good against him, as did Taka. Yet there is still DOUBT with him? He can make it work. Trust me. Rocky ain't half bad either. This seems to be a case of Internet folks just looking for a reason to complain about something and not seem so lopsided against WCW. -commercials -footage of the previous segment. The show is 15 minutes old and the only "action" so far is Vince getting shoved down. They'll NEVER beat "Grown Ups" with this sort of programming. -During the Break... HBK was all smiles as he got into his limo and took off. You'd be smiling too if you just plugged Trish Stratus in the tushy (he is such a STUD). As the Limo took off, the DX Limo pulled in. X-Pac and Road Dogg claimed to have seen Shawn in the Limo. HHH doubted it, after all, what are the odds that HBK's Limo would pull out JUST AS HHH's limo would pull in? Who would buy THAT LINE OF LAZILY BOOKED CRAP?? Don't be RIDICULOUS!! -The Big Show ran out and demanded to know if Shane McMahon was with them. He wasn't. TBS said that he was going to sit there and WAIT for Shane to show up. HHH said, "Fine, you wait." Razor sharp dialogue, by God. David Mamet can go screw himself. -The Dudleys come out. Well, actually only Buh Buh's HEAD AND ARMS and D-Von's HEAD, ARMS, AND UPPER TORSO COME OUT... THE REST OF THEM SEEM TO BE MISSING!!! MY GOD!!! THEY MUST HAVE DIED AND NOW ARE HAUNTING THE WWF!! -Oh, wait. It's camouflage. My bad. -Oh, wait. Christian already used that line. F@#$ING C*&^KNOCKER!!! -Backstage, Steve Blackman (the REAL Slim Shady) and Al Snow engage in promo which served to show us that Al has taken a new "serious Zen-like" gimmick. Ahh, another half assed, not really putting our full promotional power attempt to get Snow over. Poor bastard could have been the next Foley. -Snow starts it off against D-Von. D-Von is the Hero to MILLIONS of Dyslexic people who CHEER his ongoing dedication to ending sexually transmitted diseases. -Snow seems to have adopted Blackman's "style". -Blackman and Buh Buh fought inside the ring. On the outside, Snow held D-Von in a super close "wheelbarrow" position long enough for EVERYONE to start feeling uncomfortable about watching this.. Then he gave D-Von a face drop right on the steel ramp. -X-Pac, Road Dogg, and Torrie were out. Torrie gets better looking each week. -Back in the ring, D-Von give Blacksnow a double clothesline, Buh Buh is tagged in. -A few seconds later, the Dudley Death Drop wins the match. Blackman is so honked off, he drives a kick right into D-Von's chest (Racist BASTARD). Buh Buh throws him out. DX charges. Buh Buh Ray eats an X-Factor. -Buh Buh is tossed outside. Road Dogg sets up a table and climbs up to the ring apron. Torrie grabs him and says that SHE should climb up there. She does. Road Dogg stays on the apron to hold her hand and help her stay balanced (those new boobies have effectively wrecked ANY sort of career as a tightrope walker... alas, alas... such is the price) -Torrie leaps off and slams on top of Buh Buh Ray. She's been working out. She is BUFFED. -The three trash talked into Buh Buh's face. Torrie sounds like a two pack a day girl. -*timeoutasImakeamental notetotrytotalkmynewgirl intogettingmoreaquainted withagym* -Buh Buh holds his guts in pain. HEY!! If you long time readers can recall the famous "Two Week Old Burrito" incident here in the column, apply the image on screen with that and the picture is more or less complete! -commercials -Footage of what we just saw. -Backstage, Buh Buh has the EXACT SAME LOOK I always got whenever my Dad used to get horny.. On the bright side, I HAVE NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE dealt with constipation. -D-Von got all religious on our asses when he told Buh Buh, "ON JUDGEMENT DAY!! TORRIE WILL KNOW OUR NAME!!!! AND WE WILL TESTIFYYYYYYY" (She doesn't know their names? What, does she walk around calling them, "The black dude and the fat nerd"? -Stephanie McMahon Helmsley comes out with a mic. Ugh. Let's get HER ass through a table. And not by just sitting on it, like usual. -and you just KNOW she'll won't actually have to job out the Women's belt. They'll just run a lame bit where she hands it over to someone. -Stephanie gave props to Torrie for enacting revenge on Buh Buh Ray, but pointed out that even SHE has had trauma in her life. (Ahh... now you know why the Fake Razor simply vanished off the sheets without comment) -Near tears, Stephanie couldn't speak about the "violating thing that almost happened to her", luckily, there was some handy FOOTAGE lying around!! -We see how HHH saved Stephanie from Rikishi's ass. Shall we NOT go for the obvious joke or two here? -Stephanie, "Can you imagine that... Bulbous... Smelly... SWEATY... Bottom in my Pristine... BEAUTIFUL face?" (Hey, that reminds me... A BELATED HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOM'S OUT THERE!!!) -She called the "Stinkyface" the most "revolting and repulsive move in the World Wrestling Federation". (Hmm? I thought making Jeff Jarrett work immediately after Owen fell would hold that honor for a bit longer. Silly me.) -Stephanie had good news for Rikishi. Because tonight, he would be facing a man who feels the exact same DISGUST as she does. (A man's ass in a woman's face? What WWF Employee would be disgusted with THAT?? I wonder??) -Kurt Angle came out. (Eh... I had someone else in mind). Either he had a mic, or Steph handed it off to him, I was too busy typing "Kurt Angle came out. (Eh... I had someone else in mind)." -Angle got on his stic and said that the stinkface "sickened him". He admitted to not even know how the move got started (Two words: Brooklyn F-ing Brawler). Then theorized that maybe it had something to do with how the Samoan people greet each other? -It just occurred to me. If it weren't for wrestling, how many of you would even KNOW that there was a place called "Samoa"? I sure wouldn't. -Angle, "Maybe rubbing your butt in a person's face is suitable behavior in simple places like Samoa... and let's face it, Cleveland, Ohio as well." (HAAA!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!) -Any doubters simply had to ask themselves how the Cleveland Browns got their name? (Cleveland Indians too... for that matter). -Angle, "It's True, It's True." Am I crazy or did that become a catchphrase while we weren't looking? -Angle wrapped up. Rikishi came out. If there were any justice, Angle would squeak out a win. -Unless he had a case of baby farts in there, Angle wasn't squeaking out sheeit. ‘Kishi tossed him around some. Then Edge, Christian, and Patterson came out. Patterson slapped his ass a few times. They ran in just as Phuckyou was about to jam it in Angle's face. Rikishi fought them off and hurled himself backwards into all three. Then Too Cool ran out, hit Patterson, and cleaned house. They all danced. I made this quick, so I can focus on the REAL fun here... that being Ross and Lawler: -Ross, "Pat Patterson, along with a couple of his fellow Canadians." -Lawler, "We call him ‘Skid Row Patterson' now!" -Ross, "Old ‘Poop Stain Patterson'..." -Lawler, "Hey, Hey, HEY!!" -Ross, "Probably has the same underwear on from last week!" -Lawler, "Oh no. I heard that those underwear have been enshrined in the WWF Hall of Fame! In the ‘Scratch and Sniff' section!" (Note: I hear that's where they keep the corpse of the original Ultimate Warrior too! Never let it be said that I don't help perpetuate too-goofy-to-be-false conspiracy theories) -Ross, "I'll pass on that exhibit!" -After Too Cool knocked down Patterson before cleaning house, Ross offered this, "Pat Patterson was waiting in the wings, looking to get into the back door!! The door wasn't opened!!" This was followed by a LOOOOONG pause. I will bet my SEX DRIVE that Ross was engaged in a battle with himself over whether to follow the line up with something to get all the "smarts" cracking up. -Ross settled for wondering aloud if Patterson will be in Angle and the tag champs' "corner" for Judgment Day. (well, there's a safe bet) -For the record... it's more fun for me to goof on the guy when he's not doing anything. When he IS involved in stuff, I leave the obvious jokes to other recappers. -The dancing had some serious airtime. Nitro crashed three angles and a title match in the amount of time this segment lasted. -Backstage/outside in the parking garage. TBS was busy waiting for Shane McMahon. I submit that it also serves existentially as a portrait of a man in an empty career, patiently waiting for his contract to end so he can DRIVE OFF to Atlanta... back to... BISCHOFF! -we see "Smackdown" footage where Shane rigged it so the Dudleys could put TBS through a table. Or.. maybe the table was symbolic of TBS's inner child's hopes and dreams and the Dudley's represented the instrument that forces TBS's Super Ego to smash his Id and face reality... represented by Shane McMahon. The reality that tells TBS that he signed his SOUL away to the WWF, which... which... why the F*&^ do I have a hardon all of the sudden? -commercials -Neon signs tell the tell that yes, RAW is WAR has sold out the Gund Arena. -The Godfather comes out with some ladies. Now that I am "in relations", I now feel that the term "Ho" is both disrespectful AND obnoxious! -Man.. what a fine crop of poon he's lined up this week. (I know, I know. I wrote the damn thing and even *I* saw it coming a mile away) -GF gets on the stick and asks Lawler what he thinks. To my amazement, Lawler approved. He runs through his schtick. -Hardcore Holly comes out with his scale. I forget why. He starts frantically searching under the mat for potential challengers. He found none. -They locked up. GF hit Crash with a broom handle. Ross briefly reminisced about his second wife. Lawler briefly reminisced about a Girl Scout who tried to sell him some Thin Mints last Tuesday and ended up bent over a cha... well... the less said the better. -GF bodyslammed Crash on the broom. He missed by a Country mile. Crash still acted as if he was just dropped on an Anvil. (the Iron Stand, not the nude wrestler with a goatee) -GF tossed Crash around some. Lawler wondered where the Stop sign was. Then pondered what kind of sign the "Ladies" used. -Ross said, "For you? How about ‘Yield'?" -Lawler shot back, "Well it's NOT ‘Do Not Enter'" -Ross, "I BEG your pardon?" -You know... you just didn't GET this kind of stuff out of Vince and Bruno -GF went for the "Lady Train" and ran into a Stop sign that Crash magically pulled out of his ass (Doug Henning may be dead, but his spirit SOARS!!!!) -GF went down. D-Lo Brown ran out and gave GF a "Low Down". He went to pin Crash. GF recovered and stopped it. Suddenly a H... Lady ran in and laid on top of Crash. The Ref hit three and damn if she didn't win the belt! See THIS is why WCW has no chance!! THIS is the unpredictability that makes the WWF superior!! THIS is WHY VINCE MCMAHON RULES THE WO... -Crash wakes up and rolls the girl up for three even as Lillian Garcia is trying to figure out what to call the girl. THIS is why WCW will finally overtake the WWF!! THIS is why Vince McMahon should be quivering in fear!!! THIS is why they are on BORROWED TIME!!!!! -Crash hauls ass out of there. -HHH, SMH, and VKM were walking. TBS was stalking. -commercials. That spot featuring the fat guy straining to get the cupcake is absolutely hilarious. -We are reminded that MTV will premiere the Run DMC video with DX roughly ten minutes after RAW goes off the air. If you think those TRL kids will allow it to be put on ANY rotation other than the "Somewhere between 1:00 am and 4:00 am" one... then I encourage you to take up Crack, because there is really no hope for you. -IT'S BRITNEY'S WORLD, AND WE JUST RENT SPACE IN IT!!! -The three major players in the "McMahon-Helmsley Faction" come out. "The King of Rock" (huh?) -Oh, I smell another 9 hour monologue. -Vince is on the mic and introduces the next WWF champion... and who should come out but DAVID ARQUETTE!!!! MY GOD!!!!! WHY VINCE??? WHY???? -No, HHH raises his arms in count-the-chickens-before-they-hatch fashion. -Then Vince announces that HBK has left the building, and that's a good thing because Vince was fixing to kick some Texas BUTT!!! -Vince goes on to set up the main event, that being Rock vs Chris Benoit in a Submission Match. Both HHH and Lawler took great strides in pointing out that the Rock really has no "Submission Holds" (Unless he has the director load up his first Wrestlemania match against the Sultan!!! Benoit will be surrendering faster than France did to Hitler) -HHH got on the mic and ran down the deal on the Iron Man match to the (potential buyers) Rock. He said that, "This is not about catchphrases! This is not about clichés! This is not about gimmicks!" (so... what he's saying is that the Iron Man match is a lot like Verne Gagne's old AWA? Uh oh, snore city.) -HHH ran down the Rock and talked up himself. Then he set up a mini-drama as to where HBK's loyalty lies. Also promising that whatever their past was, whatever their present was, if HBK didn't call the match properly, he would have "no future". (HA!!! Just like me!) -HHH was about to go on, but the Rock came out to hasten the proceedings. -Ross reminded us that Rocky just wrapped up his end (I don't know why, but that just cracked me up), of the "Mummy 2". I SWEAR... if that movie comes out and a few weeks later, Brendan Frasier is the new WWF champ. I will quit the Mop-Up and work full time on my current side hobby of killing any and all people with the name "Roy". -They stared each other down a little. Well, HHH stared, the Rock just looked like he was wondering why the hell he was still doing this rinky dink rasslin' gig when Hollywood awaits. -The Rock said he was thrilled to be back in Cleveland... why? -The Rock officially accepted the challenge. -The Rock officially promised to kick HHH's candy ass. -The Rock said that HHH's darkest nightmare is that he knows that the Rock is better than him. -The Rock smells a rat when it comes to HBK, so HE better behave or yon boot shallst goeth up yonder buttocks. (I miss the whole "shine it up real nice" thing). -The Rock ain't sweating Benoit either. -The Rock said that one hour won't be long enough to properly administer said kicking of said candy ass. -The Rock officially wrapped up in that way he usually wraps up. -Sunday will become HIS Judgment Day. How many of you will throw your TV sets out the window if this turns out to be the return of TODD PETTINGILL???? -Kid Rock is doing the rasslin' thing. I swear, if Eminem shows up on Nitro I am throwing out ALL my CDs and listening to nothing but Britney, ‘N Synch, and the Backstreet Boys. -commercials -Chris Jericho comes out. He has nothing to say on the mic. -Bob "Hardplug" Holly comes out. We are informed that this is a "Hardcore" match. -The second hour arrives. NOW???? JESUS CROW!!!!! -They tangle a bit, then they spill outside. Ross admits that Holly was "tougher than a $2 Stake!" Well, how much are sharpened pieces of wood SUPPOSED to cost? -Jericho picked up a chair in front of the Announcers. Lawler told him to put it down. Jericho ignored him and swung at Hardcore. He missed. Hardcore knocked him down with a clothesline. This is what happens when you DIS THE KING!!!!!!!! -Does anyone even SAY "dis" anymore? -Jericho Baseball Slid into Holly, who was investigating a chair at the time. -They took it into the seats. Jericho tried something that involved standing on the guard railing. Hardcore would have nothing to do with it. -Back to the ringside. Holly found a leather belt and put it to use. He tried to use a trash can, but Jericho's dropkick turned the tables. -Jericho was going for the Walls of his Namesake when... -Chris Benoit ran out and locked Chris Jericho in that NASTY ASS reverse front facelock which could SNAP a neck. It's also a move I INVENTED IN MY LIVING ROOM DURING THE PHASE WHEN I WOULD WRESTLE MY PILLOWS!!!!!!!!!!! -Once I defeated my Queen size, hypo-allergenic opponent and won every title World Class Championship Wrestling had to offer. I did this while my neighbors watched from their windows, unbeknownst to me. It took roughly half a day for my entire High school to hear about it. Which is why I never got laid until WELL into my 20's (Parents and Grandmother notwithstanding) -Anywhoo... Benoit kept this hold locked in a bit, then Holly picked up the chair. Benoit pushed Jericho out and Holly TATTOOED him with it. Things dissolved nicely after that. -Backstage/outside, a Limo pulls up and TBS is there to meet it. He RIPS the door open and YANKS someone out of it. That someone was NOT Shane. It was... it was... -Oh my God! IT'S SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!!! IT'S SADDAM!!!! KILL HIM, SHOW!!! KILL HIM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! -TBS didn't. He just walked away. Commie BASTARD!!!!!!! -commercials -RC Cola is happy to sponsor some sort of angle involving Val Venis, T & A, and the Hardy Boyz that is getting a try out on "Heat". Boy, "Heat" was actually a very important show for about 3 months there... wasn't it? Then UPN sauntered in and it's the big F-You! -Shane McMahon was able to sneak into the building and came out to the ring. He got on the stick and told someone to tell the Big Show to stop running around the parking lot like a buffoon. -Shane wanted to talk about "us", the viewing audience, (at which time, we heard a fan yell softly, yet clearly, "SHUT THE F&%$ UP, SHANE!!!") -Shane said that lately he's been hearing the fans call him a... a... a... (he waited as long as possible for the nudnicks to get their thumbs out of their asses)... a "Pussy" (wait... SHANE IS DUSTY!!!!!!! HOLY JUMPING MARY AND JOSEPH CRAP!!!!!! THAT MEANS NOSOUL IS SHANE!!!! THAT TREY IS SHANE!!!! F-SCOOPS, I'M NOW WORKING WITH SHANE F-ING MCMAHON!!!!!!!!) -What the Hell is he doing using the word "Pussy" on live TV? -Shane claimed to have looked it up in he Dictionary, and discovered that "Pussy" is defined as a "Cat"... according to mine, a "Pussy" is also defined as "Any Internet Wrestling Writer not named ‘Heat'". Well, I'm glad it's official. -Shane compared himself to a "Cat", in terms of quickness, stealth, smoothness, caginess, Web Mastering abilities... (oh man, look at what I stumbled into!! I write for Shane McMahon... BWAHAHAHAHHAAAA) -Feeling cocky, Shane challenged TBS to a Judgment Day Grand Slam, No DQ, Anything Goes, brawl that will simply HAVE to end in his getting destroyed unless this is how they plan on using the returning Undertaker. He goofed around a little more until... -TBS came out with a microphone. TBS was quite happy with Shane now. Because Shane might be a Cat, but TBS is a "Big Nasty Bastard". Then he said, "Wu Tang is for the children!". -TBS didn't want to wait for JD for this. So he thought it would be cool to "cash in on a few of the cat's nine lives right now! He charged the ring. -Shane dove out, then blasted us with a few dozen, "Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyos". -Shane said that he had a feeling TBS would be in a "saucy" mood, so he had a special handicapped tag match all set up for him right now. He called out T & A. -So, out come T & A, with Trish Stratus, who had Gerald Brisco on her arm. Ross sarcastically quipped that Brisco was now a "Speaker for Women's rights". (To be fair, Brisco's eyes are so squinted that he thought he has helping HBK back to the ring... "How's your back Mister Mackles?") -The Cripple match got going... with TBS tossing Test around soundly. -Albert didn't fare much better, but some snappy double teaming turned the tide. -The Double team lasted a bit, quite effectively too. The Ref didn't even try to stop it... where's Gilberto Ramon when you need him the most? (GOT'CHA THERE JIZZHEADS!) -TBS fought back. Ross claimed that he has no problems with Women's rights... so long as they keep their dang blasted mouths SHUT!!!! -Trish handed Test a chair, TBS punched it right into Test's face. -TBS was about to powerbomb Albert when Trish ran in, yelled at him, then slapped him. TBS grabbed her by the throat. Brisco came in and lectured TBS about stuff like that. (Here... I say HERE HERE!!! WOMEN ARE LIKE DELICATE FLOWERS THAT SHOULD BE CARESSED AND PAMPERED!!!!!) -TBS chokeslammed Brisco. Shane hit him from behind with a chair. TBS nosouled...I mean no sold it. Shane bailed and ran like Hell, tripping over the chair and falling as he did. TBS lighted trotted after him, "Boy simply ain't built for speed." -Meanwhile, Ross and Lawler were having fun calling Shane, "Simba the Cat." Ross had an especially good line when he said that "Simba better use some of his nine lives to get the hell out of there!" -For no logical reason, other than the script called for it, TBS caught Shane and dragged him back out. At the entrance way, he lifted Shane up and tossed him back. The back of Shane's head supposedly rammed into the top WWF.com metal sign?? (Whatever you call it). I say "supposedly" because he maybe didn't touch it at all and just sold it really well. Bumps like that can cripple a guy. -commercials. There is something both erotic and depressing about the "King of Queens" girl hawking car oil. -Eddie Guerrero comes out with Chyna. We see that Shane did indeed hit the WWF.com sign, but his upper back took the brunt of it. -P. Saturn and D. Malenko came out. It's a TAG TEAM WAR AND THE STAKES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!!!!!!!! -Saturn wasted no time in tossing Eddie out of the ring as Chyna cornered Dean. Dean looked edgy. A few drinks and Dean would have had his pants off already. -With Eh-Dee temporarily out of the picture, the Radicals surrounded Chyna. Saturn took a Forearm, Dean took a clothesline, Saturn ain't selling to no chick and was up in a flash. Chyna was down in a following flash. That's two back to back flashes, for those keeping score at home. -Dean had Chyna bent over his knee... backwards, (WRONG WAY, SUPERFLY!!!) -Eddie rejoined and knocked Saturn off the ropes before Homegirl could've gotten nailed. -Things got more organized. Chyna impressed with that Cartwheel handspring Inzeguri-Up-Yer-Assy elbow jam. -Wisely, the majority of this thing involved Eddie and his WCW buddies, which resulted in fluid work that only comes from hours of practicing together. -Meanwhile, Lawler kept trying to get Ross to report on Shane's condition, at one point Ross informed Lawler that his "Royal ass wasn't tied down by an anchor". -Meanwhile (2), Big sign that read "CHRIS". Hey buddy!!! I see ya'. How's it going? Thanks for the mention! -Meanwhile (3), earlier that night, I caught a sign talking about Pedro Martinez being a "Roody Poo Candy Ass"... HAW HAW!!! Being an hour away from Boston, and since this is the best chance the Sox have had in YEARS to make a serious championship bid... let me proudly boast that the Indians are NOTHING BUT PEDRO'S COLLECTIVE BUNCH OF BITCHES!!!!! PEDRO COULD TOSS BEACHBALLS AT YOUR PRECIOUS INDIAN NITWITS AND THEY STILL COULDN'T TAG ANYTHING BUT AIR!!!!! BOOYAAA!! -Saturn nailed Eddie with a Flying Elbow. Eddie kicked out. Is ANY finisher sacred anymore? -After turning a Superplex into a top rope Hurracarana... Eddie snagged a tag to Chyna. -Chyna forearmed Saturn. Clotheslines Malenko, Clotheslined Saturn, Changed her pad, Powerslammed Saturn, and Back Body Dropped Malenko before Saturn remembered that he doesn't sell to broads and rectified the current situation. -It became a four way thing... it never ceases to amaze me how nobody ever tried to explain how after getting beat up for an hour, the guy who tags out needs only scant seconds to rest before he is back in the ring and helping his partner clean house. -Chyna had Malenko in the corner, Saturn threw Eddie into her. Chyna lifted her leg back and up, Eddie's crotch met Chyna's calf. Saturn gave Eddie the Brain buster, Saturn pinned Eddie. Chyna had no clue what just happened. There was a time when I would chalk that up to Female Intelligence, but it's just not fair to do so, dammit. -Backstage, Michael Cole asked Edge and Christian why they would risk their tag team titles in a three way against the Hardy Boyz and the Acolytes. Christian answered the question by asking Cole why he would dye his hair like a 14 year old? Good answer... GOOOOOD ANSWER!! Edge promised something special for the Clevelanders who could afford flash cameras. He'd make a good hypnotist. He's got a relaxed, mellow voice. -commercials -Ross tells us that USA will be showing "The Real McCoy" tomorrow night. The only thing I remember about this movie is that it was put out the Fall after Val Kilmer played "Batman". Boy... old Val was "hot" for a good 30 seconds there, wasn't he? -E & C came out. After being introduced, Christian took the mic and said, "Citizens of Cleveland! Take me to your leader!" (Not really... but wouldn't it suck if he did say that and they took him to Scaia's house? I think that would be enough to make me finally chow down on a bullet.) -Edge said that they had a special pose for them. This was a imitation of a Cleveland Indians Relief Pitcher... then they did something that I only barely paid attention to. -The Hardys came out. -The Acolytes came out... justly pissed that they weren't included in the new X-Men movie (E's "Coming Attractions" trailer show is running the trailer this week. Catch it if you can... it ROCKS!!!! Or download it off the movie web site. Ain't It Cool will point the way). -IT'S A TAG TEAM WAR AND THE STAKES HAVE NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!! -It was a chaotic, spot filled, non stop, action packed, blink-and-you'll-miss, so stiff even you'll feel it, brouHAF-INGHA, MESS that only the truly lame would even ATTEMPT to recap spot for spot. The tag champs won by double teaming Jeff. The Acolytes were outside pounding the living shit out of Matt, obviously because out of all of them, he's the one who looks the most like a Homo. -commercials -Ross reminded us that Cleveland came and filled the joint to the maximum. -Then Ross said that we'd get free swag in the form of a car sunshade so long as we send our Cable bill proving that we ordered the friggin' thing to Rockville Center. There, a team of Highly Trained Feds will remotely send a signal to your cable TV and find out if you actually ORDERED the thing... or if you are stealing Cable like a PACK of TERRORIST SWINE!!!! -Michael Cole stumbled on a top secret meeting between Vince and Chris Benoit. Cole asked Benoit how he plans on dealing with Gay Marriages in Canada? Benoit stared at him for a good 10 seconds, completely astounded. Chris ain't exactly Mr. Improv. -Benoit asked Cole what part of what he does in the ring does Cole NOT understand. Cole said, "Well, the part where you do that Flying Headbutt and hit his shoulder... the meatiest, thickest part of the entire upper torso. What's up with THAT?" Benoit's head officially exploded. -Well, the Rock was properly sweated up. -commercials -Ross tells us that the MTV video premiere is coming up a scant ten minutes or so following RAW. You have a better chance of seeing a Melissa Etheridge video on the channel than you do this thing after tonight. -Chris Benoit comes out. SOMEBODY online recently said that the BEST move Vince could do is hire Arn Anderson away from WCW and make him Benoit's mentor. Which, aside from the total fantasy of it all, really is a smart idea. I can't remember who said it, but I can only PRAY it wasn't someone I can't stand. I hope it's one of my few friends... like Zimmerman (more acquaintance than friend, but we've always gotten along), or Jim Sullivan, or Bam Bam, or Toby Twigglebottom, or Murtz, or that writer for 1wrestling that I will not name because he'd probably get canned if it came out, or Joe Collins, or Gagnon, or Dan Doomsday, or Benner, or E.C. or Chris Chappa, or Carmela, or Lo Phat Ham, or Haywood Jablomee... -That about covers it... aside from the ScoopThis kids, Al and Remy (really), Samuda, and a smattering of other people here and there... everyone else blows. Let's see who still pays attention to the King this deep in the column. -Jesus Crap with a Cherry Bomb up the old Lunch Pipe... I really DO ramble on endlessly. -Rocky came out. -BIG sign that reads, "Cleveland ROCKS!" Rocks what? -Stuffherfacey came out with her Husband, Two H's and a third for good measure. -The match got going. Nobody could figure out how the Rock's non-submission style could possible survive against the best submission specialist since Ken Shamrock left to get back to that fake ass Ultimate Fighting Nonsense. -Benoit went for a quick Crossface. No joy. -Rock went for that Hyper-Extending Arm Lock. Who does he think he is? PITBULL CRAIG PITTMAN??? -Benoit got out of it. Vince came out. For either the second,. or third time, Ross said, "Some call him the Devil Himself". (But, does Bob Ryder REALLY count?) -Benoit went for the Sharpshooter. Ross brought up Bret "The Hitman" Hart's name. HE'S COMING BACK!!! BRET'S COMING BACK!!! IT WAS A TOTAL WORK AFTER ALL!!!! MY GOD!!! SHEER BRILLIANCE!!!!!!! -Lawler said that talking to Vince is like talking to "God without dying". (Yes, and in a perfect world all Whores look like a hot piece of tail like Debra Messing) -Rock Bottom. Fill in the blanks. -It's an exchange of punches, which the Rock won. -The one thing you can say about Benoit. The very last Knife Edge Chop he gives will be every bit as fierce as the very FIRST Knife Edge Chop he gave. -Rocky went for the Figure Four, a HORRIBLE Figure Four where the bent ankle was crossed way low, near the straight ankle. -Stephanie distracted the Ref long enough for HHH to drag the two into the ropes. Lawler cracked me up by unabashingly claiming that Benoit crawled there on his own. Ross was inches from grabbing the nearest beer and throwing it in the King's face. -Rocky whacked HHH, he turned around. Benjy snapped him down into the Crossface. -Vince showed the world that he can't swim to save his life by making these wide, wind mill motions. He looks like me in every bar fight I've ever been in. Only his eyes were open. -Vince made them ring the bell. The told Lillian Garcia to announce that Benoit scored the clean win. She complied. No fool, she. -Well, now we know why Ross mentioned Bret Hart out of nowhere. -HHH and Benoit had some fun with Rocky. The Rock fought back. -Vince tried to attack, but the Rock caught him. Vince ducked out and walked up the ramp. Jericho came out. Vince was caught between the Rock and a Gay Face. -Vince was close enough for Rocky to reach down and grab him by the hair. Lawler, "IT'S HIS... IT'S HIS BEST TOUPEE!!!!!" (AH-HAAAA FINALLY, I AM VINDICATED!!!!! I TOLD YOU!!!) -HHH saved Vince from sports entertaining doom. It's a four way brawl. -Jericho with the Walls on HHH. The Rock Bottomed Benoit. -DX ran out. -The Dudley's followed with a table. -Ross was so excited, he screamed that he had nude pictures of Vince Russo with a Shi-tzu. -Rocky Bottomed Hunter into the table. Oddly enough, he broke as much table as HHH, yet he bounced right back up. -Ross screamed out one last plug for JD before Cole takes it home on Thursday. -The show ended. It was... good. I really dug the two tag matches in the third half hour. I also LOVED the Skid mark thing from last week. I don't know what the problem is with that. Still, Nitro was better last week and Nitro has every opportunity to be better this week. In fact, chances are it is. So... come and read it with me. Or click all the way to the Closer. Go ahead. Hurt my feelings. You illiterate bastards.