Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone 5/18/98 "You are a F@&%$^*# scumbag! You have no skill, no ambition, and no clue as to how to treat other people! I can't believe I wasted my time with you! You are such an ass@*&$!! I hope you die a slow, painful death. I will never speak to you again. Don't call me!! P.S. You SUCK in bed..I faked it EVERY TIME!!!": Amy (remember her?) my lovely, and now EX-girlfriend. Oh Yeah? Well I faked it EVERY TIME TOO!!! This is the Mop-Up and I'm Chris. Let me say this again...this is the MOP-UP...NOT the WRAP-UP...okay? MOP-UP, MOP-UP, MOP-UP!! If you want the WRAP-UP..go over to 411...they'll take care of you....I think. Which of course, deals with the above. Yes, it's true. Amy, the delightful young woman who once subbed for me in this column and wrote what is pretty much the most controversial Mop-Up in the history of Mop-Ups, is no longer my girlfriend. Hey, it's alright though, sometimes lives take different paths...I'm not bummed about it..not at all. Nor am I bitter. I know, I know..I could take the jerk route and trash her in this column...(I know she'll be logging in the check what I say about this), but I won't. No, I am a man of honor and class and will not stoop to that level. Instead, allow me to wish her well. I hope she finds plenty of joy with all (and I do mean ALL) of the losers/abusers/drunks/junkies/pedofiles/sheep wranglers/chicken bangers/latent homosexuals that she'll shack up with in the future. I really hope that when she looks in the mirror, she sees all the pride and happiness that a successful life will bring....of course, she'll have to look past that pudding depository that is starting to hang it's hat in her glutious maximus (emphasis on MAXIMUS), she'll have to look past her breasts, that are beginning to be able to hold pencils without any help, she'll have to look past her face which, much like the development of the American landscape, is starting to build inroads around her eyes and mouth, she'll have to look past those triceps, which are beginning to wiggle whenever she reaches for another fistful of Fritos. If she can look past all that...then I hope she'll see a successful life. Good luck! See? Now if I was bitter, I'd bring up that whole tuna thing she has going....but I won't...ain't I nice! Well, so much for being brief. Let's get right to it. It's time to roll this thing in some EZ Widers, spark it up, and see if it gives us a buzz. It's time to run this thing up the flagpole (at half mast, to honor the MAN) and see who salutes....AWW Hell, it's time to throw this in bed with Amy and see if she sleeps with it...(I'll take that bet)..in other words....let's RECAP!!!!!! With only an hour show, let's see what kind of entertainment WCW can provide from my HOMETOWN of Providence, R.I. Will the hypnotic power of Uncle Eric reach across the 12 miles from the Civic Center to my place and captivate me into praising him and his product? Only reading on will tell.... NITRO: (or RI Sucks/God Bless RI) Indeed, the folks from my hometown did some things that ROCKED...and did some things that SUCKED...which is pretty much par for the course...this state is pretty much a cultural bitch who doesn't have a single innovation to be proud of..so we have to steal from other, cooler places...still, they surprised me with more than a few KILLER signs..which really sort of helped make Bischoff look like a complete moron...(not that he wasn't doing fine on his own...but we helped. Check it out.. -opening theme -Tony bellows about the FURY of last night's Slamboree show in Worcester has BOILED OVER LIKE AN EXPLODING VOLCANO into tonight's show in PROVIDENCE...or words to that effect. This is a "Special One Hour Edition" of Nitro.....(exactly what makes it so "special" anyway?) -The ring posts EXPLODE LIKE FOUR VOLCANOS in a FURY as the EXCITMENT of NITRO washes over the huddled masses watching TV. (methinks I need to purchase a thesaurus). -note..the ring is empty at this time... -While watching a pretty good fireworks display...(pretty good indeed)..Tony tells us that the "drama that unfolded" (funny how that phrase is ONLY heard in Pro Wrestling isn't it?) at Slamboree Sunday night has officially "turned the wrestling world on it's ear". -personal note: you know, I have a neighbor who is about 38 years old, is balding, and has a pot belly. He is fresh off a divorce and is pretty resigned to never repeating it again. He started to shop at trendy clothing stores and is hanging out at Nightclubs on weekends. He is clearly in the middle of a "mid-life crisis". The thing is, he also got himself a monster Harley Davidson with all the trimmings. He thinks he looks cool, but in reality, it's pretty obvious that the bike is just a giant phallic symbol (LOOK IT UP!!!!) for his injured ego and self doubt about his performance. It's a sad, sad, thing to see. Folks, if you are considering buying a bike for a fashion statement...I suggest you print this tale I just told and rethink the decision...because there is nothing sadder than a guy trying to look cool on a Monster Harley. Now back to the action -the cameras go to the ring to see Eric Bischoff on a Monster Harley (sigh). -He is wearing a crown on his head and a big smile on his face. His feet are up and he is leaning back....(so no one can tell that his feet can't reach the ground). What's really whacked is that just seconds before, the bike wasn't even in the ring....it was as if Bischoff materialized there by...by...by...MAGIC!!! (Come to think of it..Uncle Eric DOES look quite a bit like David Copperfield..and they are NEVER seen at the same place at the same time...could it be?? COULD IT BE?????????) -Short ~n~ sweet 'cause this doesn't deserve much attention....Bischoff gloated about how "Vinnie Mac" didn't show up last night...and how he is now 100-2 in the Monday night ratings as well as being 2-0 in the wrestling ring..(he claimed to have beaten Zbyszko at Starrcade...actually, the biggest LOSERS at Starrcade were the folks who bought the thing), he is going to either A: retire, or B: Go after Goldberg's record...I wasn't paying all that attention because I was too busy reading the signs. -You see....Bischoff made a critical mistake with this "challenge"..he decided to do it during WCW's Northeast run..deep in the heart of WWF territory..he figured that it would be that much more demoralizing to Vince if he was trashed by the fans on his home turf. The mistake was that both Worcester and Providence wasn't really INTO the Vince bashing...(Worcester had plenty of signs, but most were plants..I explained why in the Eddie/Ultimo match part in the Slamboree recap). Providence booed Eric's ass off and I SWEAR I heard cheers when McMahon's name was brought up...(being from RI..I can tell you that Vince has been VERY kind to us over the years...the Civic Center used to get a WWF House show once a month). The there were the signs..many could be seen around Eric's head as he talked...sure, there were a few pro-WCW signs, but there also were LOTS of ANTI-WCW/pro-WWF signs..such as: -McMahon Kicks Bischoff's Ass (right next to Eric's head at one point) -RAW is WAR...(two of them actually) -A MAMMOTH WWF sign on the far right. -WWF Is Way Better Now these are only the ones seen on CAMERA..which is pretty impressive right there..(Dillenger must have been pre-occupied with his ritualistic Monday night pre-show Virgin sacrifice to get to work and edit these Americans....he didn't know how tough it was to find a virgin in Rhode Island). Then there were some others that showed up tonight such as: -Hogan's Wrestling Is Worse Than His Movies...(this one popped up right behind Tenay, Tony, and Larry...which was so cool) -Dusty Ate My Balls...(SIGN OF THE NIGHT!!! for the obvious reasons) -Stern Fears Mancow....which isn't cool at all..but it just goes to show that Rhode Island has nothing going for it...I mean this guy used two radio guys who don't even WORK in RI..he had to go to SYNDICATED radio to come up with some names.....(and by the way...judging from the latest RI ratings..it is Mancow who's scared..I think he's running in 10th place in men 18-34...besides, I read that he was booed off a Chicago stage when he introduced Van Halen...and Chicago is his home town..way to go Girlcow). -Can we get back to the action?? Yes we can.. -commercials -The Nitro Girls were introduced one at a time...(because we ALL just love them so)...I think they got a new member in order to attract the crowd who have been tuning to RAW lately..I think her name is "Whore"....that's what WCW needs to regain the ratings...a new Nitro Girl named "Whore"...now THAT's smart strategy! Eric m'boy...you've done it again! -Thunder footage with Saturn....who did about the easiest thing a WCW wrestler could do.....he goofed on Glacier. Apparently, Saturn said that wrong thing to the wrong person and they shoved him into a feud with that Blood Runs Cold idjit. -Then Saturn came to the ring to take on Psychosis....after a hard fought battle..(well, not really) Saturn won it....afterwards, Alchoholis was seen in a bar..living up to his name. -By the way, I caught a couple of wannabe "wrestlers" from Rhode Island at ringside.....they "work" (although I doubt they get paid) for a local indy called New England Wrestling Association...(It used to be called Global Wrestling Federation..but someone wised up and realized that they can't be GLOBAL if they never leave RHODE ISLAND. The guys were "Gorgeous" Gino and Johnny Justice..which basically proves what kind of creative braintrust we got going here in RI. As far as there actual "wrestling" goes..let's just say that I've had more realistic fights with my PILLOWS than what these guys do. -commercials -Tony shows us clips from Slamboree..Tenay BEGS us to order the replay..even those of us who saw it the first time...because DAMMIT...this show was SO IMPORTANT that we simply MUST pay for it again. -Mean Gene brings out Rowdy Roddy Piper...who got a HUGE pop..maybe his loudest ever since going to WCW...(Like Vince, Piper has given us a lot of good memories here in Providence). -In the ring, Piper shows how "hip" he is by making a joking reference to Boy George, then got on with the scheduled script... -which was that he wanted to speak to Savage about that sucker shot he gave him at Slamboree.... -So out came Savage.... -In the ring, Piper said that he watched the videotape and saw that it was Bret Hart who clocked him, and not Savage..so he reversed his decision and gave the DQ win to Savage from last night...He also didn't know until later that Hogan made his presence felt during the match...Piper was in DESPERATE need of a script as he TOTALLY fudged up his words and said...and I quote, "The Reptile, the bald....dreaded,bald...HEADED...legged...slimey...climbing Hogan reptile..."!! -And you wonder why Piper's movie career never took off? -So out comes Bret Hart...who immediately started to have flashbacks from late last year and started to scream about getting "screwed", getting "swerved", and then combined them and screamed about getting "swewed" AND "screved". So mad was Hart, that his EXACT words were....and I quote again, "Savage...your GUTLESS!! And Piper..your.......uhh.....GUTLESS TOO!!!! (That'll put them in their place...YEAHH!!! You tell 'em Bret!!!!) -Hell, Bret was so mad that he was later seen on the phone, inquiring about bus fares to Stanford Conn. -Savage challenged Bret right there and then..Piper screamed about being a referee... -Bret was about to comply when... -Out came Hogan, Beefcake, and of course, Uncle Eric..(WE ONLY HAVE AN HOUR...I NEED MORE CAMERA TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FANS WANT MORE OF ME DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!) -Hogan reasoned that this wasn't the time or place for this sort of foolishness...(after all..RAW wasn't on)..and challenged Piper and Savage to a tag match at the NEXT PPV!!! (Giving Tony a FULL MONTH to PLUG his CHUNKY TUSHY OFF.....Tony now has a full month of Nitros to SELL, SELL, SELL!!!!!!!!). -of course, everyone agreed...but Piper...who had a moment of actual respect for the fans and asked Hogy and Harty to dance right then and there... -Hogan said sure..then went after them....Bischoff held him back... -Bret went after them....but Bischoff held him back too.... -allow me to re-iterate...UNCLE ERIC EXPECTED US TO BELIEVE THAT HE COULD HOLD BACK BOTH HOGAN AND HART AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Does anyone STILL wonder why I hate him so? And why I will NEVER be a die hard WCW mark? They expect us to buy this crap. -So, after cooler heads prevailed, and Eric reminded Hulk and Bret that there was no point in doing this tonight since it's a blow off show anyway..and RAW wasn't on...they took off and we got some hunka hunka burning... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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