Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Are we having fun yet? 5/18/98 It's the roll that keeps on rolling as Vince and the boys continue to cross their fingers and pray, "Dear Lord..Please don't let the audience see that other than a few very over folks, we really have nothing but the same 4 angles to throw on TV week after week after week after week! Please don't let them catch onto that...PleaseOPleaseOPleaseOPlease!!! Amen." RAW IS WAR: (or Are you sure this isn't last week's show repeated?) -opens with a video montage/collage/sabotage/heldhostage of the Vince/Austin thing from last week..set to the same music as last week's Vince/Austin video montage at the beginning of THAT show. -opening theme -Jim Ross welcomes us to Nashville..(which is just as deep in the heart of WCW land as Providence is to WWF land). He barely has time to make his first remark about business picking up when... -Out comes Vincent K. (Get these damn birds away from me!!) McMahon...flanked by Pat Patterson and Gerry Brisco. -Wasting no time, Vince starts talking right away...he announced that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin received a concussion from last week's "devestating" clothesline Vince gave him...(Man..wouldn't it be Vince's luck if he actually INJURED Austin again? I mean for real? There's your irony Alanis...suck it). And since Austin is the type of guy to get some bloody revenge on Vince and his barnacles...Vince decided to ban him from the bulding tonight...for HIS safety..after all..Vince and his two old fart cronies could whip Austin's ass six day a week and twice on Sundays...(but Vince can't take Bischoff....HE CAN'T DROP ALL 100 POUNDS OF GIRL POWER KNOWN AS UNCLE ERIC!!!!!!!!!!.....yes...I realize that the nickname "Easy E" would fit in better here...but the Mop-Up will NEVER CALL HIM THAT!!!!!!!!!!) -Then Vince brought us videotape of Austin trying to get into the arena..and being stopped by a nice, polite security guard. Austin told the guy to think over his postion in life and ask himself if he really wants to get in Austin's face...then Austin went back to his truck for a couple of "Steveweisers" while the kid thought things out. -by the way..I think Austin was wearing a pair of Hulk Hogan's wife's sunglasses. -back to the ring, Vince called out Dude Love..who came out just like he did last week. After another speech of how he is quite the intellectual stallion of life, love, and dental hygene....blah blah blah -Dude Love also said that Gerald Briso's dream will come true when he rings the bell after Love beats Austin... -AND Dude Love said that Pat Patterson's dream will come true because it will be HIS VOICE that calls out the name Dude Love.....(Patterson mouthed the words, "But I did that last night?"...but Vince kicked him on the shin and whispered to keep his fat mouth shut....(which would have kept him out of trouble in the first place if he......well...nevermind....familypagefamilypagefamilypage). -AND Dude Love also made a comment about Vince's "strong but sensitive" hand...but I ain't touching that with a ten foot pole...(which again, would have kept Patterson out of trouble in the first place if he only...oh forget it...familypagefamilypage) -Then Vince adds a new wrinkle to the proceedings by calling out The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust. Hell, Vince didn't even know what to call him now, so he just called out Dustin Runnels... -and out came Dustin..with a bandage around his knee and a nice sprout of peroxide blond hair long enough to make him look like a pixie....(Patterson was seen checking out the goods). Obviously, this is only the NEXT chapter in the never ending "Operation Get Dustin Over: Phase III" -Vince held his temper (and toupee..which would have most definitely flown off had he lost his temper) in check, but remarked that he wasn't all that pleased with Dustin's interference last week..not was he happy with Dustin's disreguard for Vince's "Goldust" creation...(How DARE you throw out MY IDEA!!! DON'T YOU KNOW I CREATED HULK-A-MANIA!!!!!!!!). Vince pondered why Dustin would blame him for the Hell that is his life! (a noticeably funny line was when Vince said that Dustin blamed him for the "acne he had growing up".)....eventually..the commercial break began to loom so they got right to the point.... -Vince told Dustin that if he could beat Dude Love tonight, than Dustin would get the title shot at "Over the Edge"...if he lost, well then, Mr. Runnels would have to work for Vince for a month...totally free..(Hey..they have to recoup that Tyson thing after all). Dustin agreed, then said "F-It..let's do it now" and whacked Dude Love in the face..... -Patterson and Brisco jumped on Dustin and started to attack...Dustin could be heard screaming..."ABOVE THE WAIST PATTERSON..ABOVE THE F&^%$#@ WAIST!!!!!!!!!" -Incidently..Dustin got a big pop when he came out... -backstage, Lawler is seen getting out of a truck with some guy under a blanket...the security guard thought it was Austin, but a quick peek under the blanket changed his mind...who could it be? A mystery guest? Could this be the night that STEVE REGAL DEBUTS???? I THINK IT IS..IT'S REGAL!!!!!!!! -commercials -Lawler was seen looking for his new friend...(I'M TELLIN' YA..IT'S REGAL!!!!) He finally found him..on a telephone. Lawler took the phone, listened to it, heard heavy breathing, and figured that it was the Ross report....geeze..pretty silly way for Regal to make a debut.... -2 Cold Scorpio was in the ring, waiting for his opponent...then we hear.. -"Hello Ladies"..and out came... -Val Venis..making his WWF debut..with a towel wrapped around his waist. All we hear is a TON of girls screaming...(to be fair to WCW..they were probably plants to get his pop going..some girls were seen screaming about how good he looks...) -I'll tell you this much....quite like REAL porn guys...this guy wasn't exactly Brad Pitt...he is a bit ugly really..and seems to be dealing with a nasty case of thinning hair. -as far as the match went..it was longish by RAW standards..and slow at times, but it heated up towards the end. Venis's finisher is a Superfly Snuka top rope splash that Kole called, (with no hint of embarassment in his voice) the "Money Shot". It's only his first time out...and that Rick Rude gyration over his opponent (MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!!! THEY REALLY DO RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has GOT to go....but the kid's got talent. -In the parking lot with Steve Austin..the security guard weigheds his options...and decided to stand his ground......Austin said that he admired the kids K-Jones, shook his hand, and left. Thus, Austin got the night off I guess. -commercials -Don't tell me you bought that? What are you? Stupid?? Good God people....get with the program here....OF COURSE Austin wasted the kid and threw him against a steel garage...then walked off into the building....sheesh...you kids nowadays...good Lord. -So, after beating up the kid and after those... -commercials -Austin came to the ring...for a change of pace, he wasn't "starting to get just a little pissed off", instead..he said, "I'm starting to get just a little MORE pissed off every day!".....(ooooh...way to deviate from the script Stevie) -By the way...Austin also said that he would NEVER miss a Monday night RAW...(which means maybe he's a BIT more corporate than he would have us believe) -So he calls out McMahon and the boys...and out they came. -Vince had a mic and told Austin that this was HIS arena..and Austin had no right to mess with HIS ARENA...and who did Austin think he is? -Austin responded.."I'm the man in the ring who is looking at three jackasses in suits." To wit, Patterson began to take off his jacket and walk top the ring..Vince stopped him....Austin warned Patterson that if he didn't put his jacket back on, then Austin would, "Stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry"...although I couldn't be clear...I thought I saw Patterson pitch a tent on that one...but I can't be sure....I DID hear Pat say to Austin, "Yeah? Then what? THEN WHAT? PLEASE TELL ME?? -Let me nutshell this....in the end, Austin ended up challenging all three of them to a street fight. Vince counter proposed a fight for later that night..but with only TWO of the three boys...and nobody will know which two until the end...(although it's a safe bet that Bischoff already knew.....he knows who has the guts and who is the 'FRAIDY CAT!!!!!!!!!!!). -I have to bring this up....when Vince asked Patterson if he was up to a streetfight, Patterson grabbed the mic and told Austin that he heard Austin say that he "sucked"...well, Patterson paused a bit, then said, "I don't suck Austin, I BLOW And I'm gonna blow you until...." Vince quickly took the mic away before he could (thankfully) finish. -In the end, Austin told them to go screw themselves...Patterson yelled, "Been there, done that"....which pretty much ended things. -spot for Adam "DAMN...I am gooood lookin' " Copeland. -commercials -More backstage stuff with Lawler and this mysterious man...(I just KNOW it's Regal.....who is probably re-thinking his feelings on Eric Bischoff right about then) -Sable came to the ring and called out Mero... -Mero came to the ring and Sable told him that she wanted to end the relationship.. -alas, Mero wasn't ready to let her go..and produced her contract with him that he just so conveinently had handy. Mero said that the contract made it explicitly clear that she was her own woman..but the SILICONE BELONGS TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! She wants out..then she has to hand over her breasteseses(esesesess). -seeing how she couldn't bear to be without her two best friends...Sable took her place in Mero's corner...just in time for.. -Terry Funk to come out and jam with Mero. Funk is pretty old, but JR assured us that the WWF wasn't going to start any sort of "Senior's Tour". -Sable distracted the ref enough for Funk to win..as if you didn't see that coming. -Remember that Security guard that Austin wailed on? Well, he was back..and he had a couple of cops with him..... -commercials -remember those cops I just told you about? Well, they ran into Lawler and his blanketed buddy (from BRITAIN!!! I JUST FEEL IT IN MY BONES!!!!!). They had to make sure that it wasn't Austin under there. -The LOD came to the ring without Sunny...Ross told us that this match was going to be just too damn violent for her, so she wasn't there. They took on the DOA...Chains and one of the bald guys. -and as is lately with the bald guys..they pulled off the dreaded SWITCHEROONI...(which is a PALE imitation of the soon to be retired SPINEROONI...and boy, does that break MY heart) and scored the win. An angry Animal (as compared to an irate Hawk) challenged them to a 6 man tag match next week...and they were not to worry about who their partner would be). Business as usual as LOD 2000 loses for the...well...the 2000 time! -spot for Austin in that MTV Celebrity Deathmatch...who the Hell knows when it'll be on..and who the Hell cares for that matter? -Lawler and his blanketed buddy were on their way out to the ring.. -commercials -RAW IS WAR becomes THE WARZONE....somewhere in Bethlehem, a baby born in a farmhouse is visited by three wise men...well..TWO wise men and Eric Bischoff...who had a WCW contract ready for the baby to sign....(Hell..if you had a shot, YOU'D sign Christ to a 3 year deal too) -Out comes Lawler and his friend....he makes it to Ross, does a little speech about how he was sick of guys like Austin and the Undertaker taking shots at him, ripped open the blanket and VOILA...LORD STEVEN REGAL WAS REVEALED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -uhhhhh.....wait a second...aw crap...I was wrong.. -It was Al Snow. Sorry about that. -After a bit of hijinks where Snow tried to get on mic with Ross and Lawler, Jerry made Al sit over near ringside... -I should point out that Snow demanded that Lawler arrange a meeting between him and Vince... -I should point out that Lawler agreed to do it... -I should poinbt out that a plain as day sign behind Lawler read,"Undertaker Buried Lawler's Bologna" -I should point out that this Snow is going to be huge once he catches on..trust me on this one. -I should point out that I have a fondness for wearing women's panties. -Next thing we know...Dustin Runnels was brawling with Dude Love in that pre-arranged match from earlier. Dustin was visibly favoring his leg..but he put up a good fight. -It was during this match that one of the FUNNIEST Lawler/Ross interchanges took place...witness: -Lawler: "Mr. McMahon is the most honest, straightforward man that I have ever worked for!" Ross: "More honest than Jerry Jarrett?? How dare you!" Lawler: ".............." Dead silence..he was left speechless. -I hope you guys know just how inside that was..and how friggin' funny that was. It would have been the Line of the Night..but then, something else was said later that rocked my world. -I'm happy to report that Dustin still found a way to get the letters FU on his personage. -Brisco distracted Dustin long enough for Dude Love to win with the Mandible Claw....which only helps progress the next exciting installment of "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III" -Stone Cold was seen back in a locker room..those cops approached him. before Austin could lose his temper, we move on to some... -commercials -NOW Austin was pissed....and in handcuffs...and Vince was there...gloating over Austin's predicament (MY GOD!!! THEY RIP OFF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -I just had a scary thought...if the time for the Street Fight comes..and Vince walks out with one of his buddies..and he demands that the ref counts Austin out..and he tries to get the fans to count too...and the ref counts to ten..and Vince yells that Austin didn't have the guts...and then Vince starts punching at the camera in a faggy way...AND THEN HE DECLARES HIMSELF THE KING OF EVERYTHING.....I...I...I...I AM QUITTING THE MOP-UP AND GOING TO WORK FULL TIME ON THE AL GORE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR I'LL DO IT...I SWEAR I SWEAR I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!! -The Headbangers took on...Kaientie? And you know what? It was a good match!! Really, Mosh and Thrash held there own against the two Japanese fellows (The other guy was at ringside..along with their manager..the guy who isn't Sonny Ono). -Everyone impressed me...(I could stand a nice tag feud with the Headbangers against Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor). Of course, that damn cowboy Bradshaw and that Taka Michinoku ran in and stopped the insanity....DQ's all around -in the parking lot...as Vince continues to bitch at Austin, who was now in the squad car. -commercials -footage from some Hospital where Kane and Paul Bearer were getting there DNA sampled....Kane had a ski mask on, along with a nice looking windbreaker...(Tommy Hilfinger has an exclusive deal with the bowels of Hell). Just in case there was someone DUMB enough to think that Bearer took steroids to get that body of his...he really played up the "I'm scared of needles" ploy. -DX came to the ring...and got a MONSTER POP...XPac took the mic first and said...now I quote this because it was weird.. "I know there's a lot of wrestlers....WWF Superstars I should say, sitting back looking at the moniter right now. Well I just got one thing to say to all of ya'...(the crowd yelled, SUCK IT). No, it ain't time for that.....heheh. I just wanted to say, I got game, she got game, they got game, we got game, DX got game!" -I quoted that only because it sounded like there was some sort of problem backstage....I could be wrong...but it did sound weird. -then HHH had the mic and did that Michael Buffer imitation...ending with "SUCK IT"...then he made the usual remarks about his enormous genitalia. -then Road Dog took the mic and did his thing....(and by God..they crowd loved it...ARMSTRONG CURSE MY FAT ASS!!!!!!!!) Then he badmouthed Owen and Maivia a bit.. -HHH and Road Dog laughed about a bad joke Road Dog told that went over everyone's head....HHH said one last derogatory remark about Maivia...Bad Ass grabbed the mic to say something..but alas..whatever pearls he was about to drop went unheard because... -The Nation's new theme music came on and out came the entire Nation....it only took a few seconds before... -one of the coolest brawls I ever saw broke out...boddies were flying, guys were swinging at whoever was closest..it just looked so awesome...get these guys in a 8 man streetfight..QUICK..it was really a blast to watch...but then Ross had to ruin things by remembering the bottom line and take us to some... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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