Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The final stretch 5/18/98 -It was the NAO vs Hart and Maivia...poor Owen, he didn't even have time to warble a few lines from the perennial rock anthem, "I Need Someone" (he is a Black Heart after all). He just got right into it. -It was a good match...it was a GREAT match really...very cool indeed. Of course, the rest of the Nation and DX were led away..(except for Chyna). Owen took a chunk out of Road Dog's ear...and yet no mention of Tyson could be heard...guess they are looking for him to work Wrestlemania 15. Hell...Maivia and Owen almost had the thing won when... -as luck would have it...that no good Faarooq showed up and piledrove Maivia out of his shoes.....a quick 3 count later and it was all in the record books. -after they show more footage from Bearer and Kane's trip to the Doctor.... -they show that Austin is still in the police car..but it hasn't taken off yet...(I'm not kidding..if Vince pulls an "Uncle Eric"...I'll be handing out GORE FOR PREZ buttons come tomorrow morning!!!!!!!!!) -commercials -Kevin Kelly was in the ring with a Doctor whose name I didn't get. Kelly got right down to brass tacks and asked the Doc if indeed, Paul Bearer was Kane's daddy.... -for a split second..I was positive that the Doc would yank off his shirt to reveal an "NWO" t-shirt...I don't know why...I just did.. -he didn't..instead..he looked at Kevin Kelly and said, "Yes, Paul Bearer is undeniably Kane's father...THEN... -he pointed at Kevin Kelly and said, "Guess what buddy...Paul Bearer is YOUR DADDY TOO!!!!!!!!!" -well...Jeezus...look at the guy...he looks EXACTLY like Paul Bearer...it could happen...it's NOT impossible. -Anywhoo...Bearer and Kane came out. Bearer gloated about how the "fat man" was right once again..then looked at the camera and said, "Now there is something that you need to undersatand Undertaker. Something that Kane has accepted a long time ago. Your Momma was nothing but a DAMN, TWO BIT WHORE!!! -Good Lord? Do you folks know what that means?? Either the UNDERTAKER'S MOTHER IS THE NEWEST NITRO GIRL!!!!!!!.... -or....I JUST BROKE UP WITH THE UNDERTAKER'S MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! -So...the Undertaker charges out and starts beating them both up...but Kane rebounded... -which was just in time for Vader to come out and rip ass on Kane. UT chased Bearer backstage, the Kane followed suit with Vader hot on his demon ass. (God, I hope Vader wins at "Over the Edge", he deserves a huge push). -commercials -footage of the stuff we just saw -OH THANK GOD!!! I must have missed the reason why..but Austin was seen lacing up and getting ready for an ass whuppin'. -So out comes Patterson and Brisco to beat some respect out of Austin. Brisco was wearing a t-shirt plugging that Brisco Auto Body place....which of course set up what could very well be the LINE OF THE F'K'N' YEAR!!!!!! -It came from Ross....and I quote: "Well, the Brisco Body Shop getting a big plug there. Course, Pat Patterson works there part time. He does...does REAR END work there." -no fooling around...no kidding...no dogs getting hit. When I heard him say that, I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE I did a MASSIVE SPITTAKE...Hell, I wasn't even thinking about putting it into this column.....I just heard it, and my body REVOLTED in hysterics and shock!!!! I can't friggin' BELIEVE Jim had the guts to say that...My God in Heaven. -By the way, Slaughter was named the special referee....Ross screamed conspiracy. -By the way...Al Snow had someone next to him with a Steve Austin mask on and a big "HELL YEAH" sign. -Austin came out and got right into Slaughter's face.... -Obviously, Austin didn't watch Nitro tonight..because he gaver Slaughter the double birdie and turned his back on him.... -so Slaughter clotheslined him from behind....ahem....Goodness gracious, they certainly borrow every concept don't they? -So the brawl was brawling.....then Patterson was seen reaching into his PANTS!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE PEOPLE!!!! PATTERSON'S GOING FOR IT!!!!!!!!!! RUN LIKE HELL NASHVILLE!!!!!!! FOR GOD SAKE'S PATTERSON..YOUR ON LIVE TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh Thank God..it was just a foreign object...as opposed to a domestic object. -This could have gone as a Bischoff-like dumbness (IE: Brisco could have started no selling lame ass karate kicks). but instead, the old timers looked like they were having fun in the ring after years of retirment...and Austin was right in his element. The thing continued until.. -by the way..remamber that "Senior's Tour" Ross snottily referred to during Funk's match? Well jow he completely backtracked and screamed, "WE GOT US A SENIOR'S TOUR HERE..BUT WHAT THE HELL!!!" (Good Lord Jim...MAKE UP YOUR MIND PLEASE!!!!!!!) -Austin stunned both of them..and then dropped Slaughter, who was going for the Cobra Clutch....Dude Love ran in and the brawl went on...until.. -that fan I told you about...the one with the Austin mask on? Well he jumped the railing and put down Dude Love... -then he grabbed a chair...and whacked Austin....(JEEZUS CHRIST IN ALL HIS GLORY!!!! IT'S MORTIS!!!!! MORTIS IS SPREADING HIS BRAND OF JUSTICE IN THE WWF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD GOD, WHY DIDN'T MELTZER REPORT THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -oh...Hell....it's not my night...turns out it was Vince McMahon under the mask...sorry about that. -Austin sees that it's Vince and tackles him into the guardrail. -Dude Love chairs Austin...and starts to kick -eventually, they leave with Austin on the ground and Ross screaming, "MY GOD!!! THE CARNAGE!!!!!!!" Good show. Fun, loaded, and full of action. There were a solid 3 or 4 GREAT matches...which is a rarity on RAW. Interesting that they didn't mention the Bischoff thing. Since WCW didn't even really try tonight, there was no comparison. Next week is WCW's best shot at re-taking the ratings. So we'll just end the night right here...well, other than the little thing below....affectionately known as... Closer time. What? did you think I wouldn't comment on the death of the COOLEST SUMBITCH ON THE PLANET??? That's right, Frank Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board, Old Blue Eyes, the VOICE, passed on..(straight to Hell..if Hell exists, Frank is there..trust me on this one). There isn't a person alive who could compare to his greatness, (and by the way..that DOUCHE at Sunday's Slamboree who had the sign claiming that Sinatra was "NWO 4 LIFE" was SO LUCKY that I didn't run over there, find him, and rip his nutz off...Sinatra wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with this "rasslin" crap...WCW, WWF OR ECW!!!!) That hillbilly, Elvis couldn't hold his toilet paper, those jerkoffs the Beatles couldn't come close to his style, in 20th Century music...there was FRANK....then everyone else. In 20th Century culture...there was FRANK...then everyone else. In 20th Century coolness...there was FRANK...then everyone else. Quite frankly, in the 20th Century...there was FRANK (and perhaps, Carson and Letterman)...then everyone else. Alas..he will be missed..and never replaced... Which is NOT to say that I can't try. Starting right now..I am looking to start my very own RAT PACK. Y'see, now that Frank, Dean, and Sammy are gone...(Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford may be alive...don't know and don't care...they were the bitches of the bunch anyway)..there is a coolness hole in popular culture today. Well guess what...HYATTE IS THE ONE TO FILL IT BABY!!!!!!! Of course, I could do it myself, but that's not the point...in order to be a "Pack"..you need compatriots. So that's where you come in. Do you have what it takes? Can you hold your own with Hyatte? Are you worthy of being called "one of the boys"? Read on for the qualifications and find out.... -You DON'T have to be able to sing....(I can't) -You DO have to do something which people find entertaining...(for instance, I write this thing...but it could be anything, so long as you entertain people with it..whether it be running a web page, inking a comic book, or write screenplays). -You DON'T have to be getting paid for entertaining people..(or I'd be disqualified). -You MUST be at least 23...no kids please...if you are in High School, you need not apply..although I will have special consideration for 23 year olds who are STILL in High School. -You MUST know how to quickly hustle scrags out of your bedroom at a moment's notice...in case the wife comes home. -You MUST know how to act tough..without actually being tough. -You MUST know how to keep your mouth shut...(in case the cops want to talk to you about some of the "boys" that we will be "associated with"). -You MUST know how to rag on every wrestling web site on the Internet...(trust me..some of these folks are easy pickins). -You DON'T have to have a web column...but it kind of helps... -You DO have to have a successful web column....I'll only take one or two small web guys....to fit the Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford role. -You DO have to have the abilty to drink plenty of Scotch and Whiskey..(with the occasional beer..mostly for spittakes) and still hold on to your senses. -BUT..You DON'T have to drink as much as you would think...(it's well known that Dean Martin drank ice tea mostly during shows..the drunk act was just that..an act). -You MUST know and enjoy the original Rat Packs music..it's best that we know, appreciate, and remember our roots. -You MUST know that women are "broads", Italians are "Dagos", black people are, "African Americans"..(don't want to get hurt). -You DON'T have to be a smoker...(not important..and I can't take the smell). -You DON'T have to be black to fill the Sammy role. -You DON'T have to be Jewish to fill the Sammy role. -You DON'T have to have only one eye to fill the Sammy role -You DON'T have to be a Satanist to fill the Sammy role. -You DO have to be straight...no gay folks please....(not that there is anything wrong with that lifestyle). -You DO have to be a ladies man and a romantic at heart (for the Dino role only) -You DON'T have to have had a son who tragically died (for the Dino role only). -You DON'T have to have a son who was kidnapped and held for ransom and who lives under your enormous shadow..(for the Frank role only..but since that's me..it doesn't apply) -You DO have to know your Italian food..even though most of these "Special Marinara Sauces" are just ketchup and salt..all the "Dagos" who run these restaurants know it..it's just a big goof on us. -You DO have to be able to cheerfully kiss my ass whenever you can...(I am assuming the Frank role after all). -You DO have to be able to rag on EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING...and be FUNNY about it...no Hyatte rip-offs please. If I think of more, I'll let you know next week....now get going on those damn signs people...'cause I want plenty of them at RAW, Nitro, Thunder, and the PPV's....let's kick this off right and tell EVERYONE THAT A NEW RAT PACK IS IN TOWN BABY!!!!!!!! Not as COOL as the original Rat Pack..but cooler than anything else on the web nowadays. Either "RAT PACK", or "HYATTE's RAT PACK" will do for signs...you can play with them...throwing in a "Rat Pack 3:16: Hyatte (or whoever joins the Pack) Just Banged Your Wife"! "(Insert name here) FEARS HYATTE'S RAT PACK"...etc etc...In fact, just until everyone knows what the Dealie-Yo is..you'd best include "Hyatte" on every sign with the Rat Pack on it...(kind of like when I used to call this thing the "Tuesday Morning Mop-Up"..just to get the ball rolling). If this thing catches on..then you can drop the "Hyatte" part....(even though it's always nice to see my name there)..Hell..whoever I pick...if you like them..then you can put THEIR name there..I won't care..we'll ALL know what you mean!! So, you got your mission and I have mine..let's get off this sucker and get to work baby...(geeze...is this the coolest thing or WHAT? I love this kind of crap!) This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1