Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW one first...5/19/99 Mop-Up Nitro Look, I hate PARTS of Nitro...I doubt that there is anyone who can say they love EVERYTHING that WCW has been doing as of late....and I can accept that they want to give themselves as much exposure as possible.....but Jesus Christ...... Jeezus F-ing Criminy on a popsicle stick..... JAY LENO????? I hate Jay Leno....F-ing hate the twit. I would describe why I hate him, but it would take up too much time and space.....I know that going off on tangents is what I do..but this would require WAAAY too much time..... BUT.....in the "Irony" department.....WCW should REALLY be running these angles on the Letterman show...because like WCW, Dave knows how it feels to lose all his ratings even with a superior show. BUT again....it's different....Letterman loses to Leno because CBS lost a LOT of affiliates to Fox a couple of years ago, so Leno is on a Hell of a lot more channels. Plus NBC programming is losing strength....but it's still a mighty powerful lead in. One last thing, I saw in last week's "Entertainment Weekly" an ad for WCW's "It's Out There" campaign. The ad was Goldberg (who was on the cover of EW a few weeks ago.....for you conspiracy buffs out there) in full wrestling gear, swinging a golf club on the grounds with other golfers watching in awe. From the looks of it, it would seem that WCW is going after the people who DON'T watch wrestling, but may want to start now that it is so mainstream again. In other words, WCW wants to get a new audience "casual" fans that were so helpful in maintaining their ratings dominance two years ago. Smart move, I must say. Very smart indeed. Of course, the single problem I see is that the last time Nitro owned the "casual fans"....they were tuning in to see the 80's leftovers...Hogan, Savage, Piper..with little to no knowledge of these new kids......now, with wrestling being so popular, the new "casual" fan probably knows the name and face of Steve Austin about as well as he/she knows Hogan's face. WCW doesn't have a lock on the household names anymore. That's just what I think anyway. F-You all. NITRO (or) -opens with the new WCW SYMBOL...which is actually the letters "W", "C", and "W". I had to study it for a good 5 minutes before I saw it. -a limo pulls up to the arena door. Tony Schiavone reassures us that the nightmare is OVER...and Nitro is back ON...THE....AIR!!!!!! -Out from the limo steps Asyia...(sigh...what really bugs me is that there was no real point to naming her that...it just makes them look petty), Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Arn Anderson, Arn Anderson (Dammit Arn...GET YOUR ASS GOING!!!!!), "Diamond" Dallas Page (much to Tony's shock) and Charles "Lil' Natch" Robinson....(which is the BEST FRIGGIN' CONCEPT THEY'VE HAD IN A YEAR!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS GUY!!!! NO LIE!!!! CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE!!!!! WAITER, MY SOUP HAS A FLY!!!!! MY EX GIRLFRIENDS CHOOCH WAS VERY DRY!!!!! RIGHT NOW, IS SCOTT HALL HIGH????? WHY BRET? WHY???? -first hour fireworks. -Tony, "WELCOME TO CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA!! WELCOME...(proper pause to build up suspense).......TO THREE HOURS......OF MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!!! -backstage, Charles Robinson replaces Roddy Piper's name with Ric Flair's on a door that says, "PRESIDENT OF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING" -Tony, "CHARLES ROBINSON HAS REPLACED RODDY PIPER'S NAME...WITH RIC FLAIR'S?????" (WCW: Always thinking of their blind viewers) -opening theme. Notice that the homeliest Nitro Girl is the one who gets the ONLY closeup...I forget her name...thank GOD I don't keep track of them. -I DO like that opening theme tho'...it really cooks -"Mean" Gene is in the ring....fully aware that they have a single hour to pump the viewers before those bastards at Titan show up...so he wastes no time. -Out comes Ric Flair, with all his usual people. -Flair wanted to "go off"...but first. -Arn Anderson had something to say. He was never "nuts"....and in fact, he hasn't had any sensation OF his nuts for over two years now (OUCH...poor bastard)...and he never makes promises...he never makes guarantees.....but tonight, Benoit and Malenko will do something totally different, and actually WIN a match...not just any match, they'll win a World tag team title match and bring the belts back home to the Horsemen. Then he pounded himself on his chest.....his heart started to beat again. -Then Flair took it over.....and did what he does best.....freak. Here be the highpoints: -Bischoff has no right making any decisions anymore......he was STILL President. -If Ted Turner doesn't move Bischoff out of WCW...he's going to hunt him down and "get Fonda"...(get Fonda? PETER FONDA????? MY GOD!!! NOW FLAIR'S GONE HOMO!!!!! AMERICA IS BEING TAKEN OVER FROM THE INSIDE BY THE PINK MENACE???????? FOR GOD'S SAKES PEOPLE....TAKE YOUR SON'S TO A HOOKER BEFORE THEY BECOME INFECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A FEMALE HOOKER DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Mixed tag team action tonight.....Flair and Robinson Vs Savage and Gorgeous George -Page will get a re-match at Nash tonight too.....which led to... -Page coming out.....Page whined about getting "screwed" at the last PPV...and gave Flair a thumbs up for his continued Presidentiality...or something like that. -Fans started to chant, "GOLDBERG"....Page said "I don't think so.." Dumb fans...Goldberg can't be bothered with you anymore...he wants his MONEY!!!!! -You know, they say that WCW had been impressed with Goldberg's lack of "Star Attitude"......bet'cha they ain't saying that NOW!!! -Then Page called out some "buddies" of his.....because Bischoff has Nash in his pocket. That makes little sense....but F-It...when did Nitro make any sense 9 out of 10 times? You just have to learn to accept it.....or drink yourself stupid (I try to find some nice middle ground). -Bam Bam Bigelow came out...sporting the BIGGEST WAD of Chewing tobacco I have ever seen....good Lord, he must have had the whole tin in there. -Bigelow had Page's back.......or so he said. Bigelow also had Geno's shoes....he marked the territory with a monster lugee. -Flair wigged out some more...totally enjoyable. -commercials -DJ Razzy Rad asked the Iowa crowd to make some noise if they thought Nash could beat Page tonight.....the crowd was too busy showing their children what a real black person looks like in the flesh. ("But Daddy, he don't look nothin' like Bill Cosby??") -video interview of Eric Bischoff.....he's not a heel any more...he's not a "character" any more....now he is a straight up guy who has his mind set on making WCW number 1 again. Just like he did two years ago, for 88 consecutive weeks. He has no doubt in his mind that he can reclaim the crown...... -I believe that Eric was speaking to the WCW Loyalists who really and truly want WCW back to number 1.....it was his message of reassurance to them. I'm in a benevolent mood, so I'll let it go for this week. I'll come back next week and begin ripping Bischoff to shreds again...because off that little soundbite alone, I could have dedicated at least a page of rippage. -Oh, and he's still as cocky as ever......he also has no clue what to do....don't believe for a second that he has become "humbled". -A pair of fans are wearing "Surge" T-shirts. ...if God is a just being, they will go through their entire lives without EVER getting laid. -Tony discarded the "retro cool" leather jacket and is back to his golf shirts.....WCW Marketing found that fans feel more comfortable when they can see Tony's toneless arms shimmer in the wind. They find it....hypnotic. -Call me crazy, but I think that Surge is a paid sponsor of WCW Monday Nitro??? Could it be? No way! -video thing dealing with Bret Hart and Goldberg...and Nash and Hart...and F'K'N Jay Leno...shown in the first hour just so the fans can see that WCW is still important enough to make it on the "Tonight Show" -commercials -More stuff with Bischoff, now that the message to the fans is out of the way...Eric can go ahead with his REAL agenda.....which is getting himself over as THE BEST POSSIBLE FACE PROMOTER IN THE SPORT!!!!! LOOK OUT VINCE, ERIC'S GONNA SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!! -which, of course, means that he'll throw away all the pretense and carefully crafted work that GOT Flair in the president's chair in the first place and try to get us to forget that he was last seen selling Cotton Candy to the fans. -WOW...not only is Eric all gray now..his hairline seems to start receding now. -HEY!!! maybe Eric is DYING his hair gray now!!! I mean....VINCE has gray hair..so why can't Eric have the better head of gray hair. -One thing I can't STAND is when they refer to Ted Turner as being actively involved with the doings of WCW. Let me tell you something about Ted Turner. I'll bet any money that he NEVER watches "rasslin" on Monday nights....all he knows is that WCW puts an unHoly amount of money in his already obscenely stuffed bank accounts. Maybe, juuust maybe, once in a great while, he may have some friends over to his house...and maybe he'll smile and say, "Let's watch some "RASSLIN!"...and he'll turn on the TV....put it on Nitro...and him and his buds will have a "good ol' time" with all the zaniness. He probably never watches RAW, is only dimly aware that Vince is beating him in the ratings...and for DAMN SURE...without even a HINT of a SHADOW of a doubt......would even DREAM of getting his ass involved. ANY wresting fan, with even a SHRED of intelligence and comprehension of the big picture, would believe Eric when he makes statements like "If Ted Turner doesn't like it when I order a match to continue, then tough poop!" -Come on Eric....start treating us with a little more respect and we might just start watching your show again. -what a prick -yeah...Time Warner might have a problem with Bischoff's in ring decisions.....what a load of SHIT! -Back to Tony...who stutters and stumbles through some confusion...you could literally HEAR him break out in flop sweat -Back to Bischoff...who promises BIG changes.....he's going to be much nicer to people from now on. Didn't he promise that a year ago? -By the way, April came, April went......Bischoff said that sponsors would leave RAW by the dozens come April. -Guess what again, Bischoff said that "the WWF would crumble in 6 months"....over a YEAR AND A HALF AGO!!!!!!!!!!! -DON'T BELIEVE HIM PEOPLE!!!!! HE HASN'T CHANGED A SINGLE BIT!!!! -poor bastard...he had it all in the palm of his hands. His could have been the greatest story ever told in wrestling....the man who took a piss poor company on the brink..and used it to topple the McMahon Empire. He came so very close.....then lost it all. -ahem..lost it all in the sense that he ain't number 1 anymore.... -CAN WE HAVE A GODDAM MATCH PLEASE?????????? -Eric still looks spooky with his hair. -A Limo pulls up...Roddy Piper comes out WITH Eric Bischoff.....this is fast becoming the WCW NIGHTCAP WITH ERIC BISCHOFF again. -Mike Tenay joins Tonykins and Mr. Heenan as Tony comments about the "rocky year" that WCW has had...and it's not even half over!!! -Tenay announced that Bret Hart will be on the Leno show tonight (Monday).....I don't give a shit...Leno could have Christ himself on the show and I wouldn't watch. (So tell me Jesus.....how painful was it on that Cross huh? And how about that Thorn crown, boy, those Romans knew how to really "stick" it to you!" BA DUM DUMM!! We'll have more with our Lord and Savior, right after we run another "Iron Jay" bit!) -Evan Karagias came out with a set of abs that I would KILL for. -Rey Mysterio Jr came out Bow wow wowwing and yippie yo yippie yaying...I instinctively stick my wallet in my sock. -FINALLY..A RASSLIN MATCH!!!!! THIS IS WHAT NITRO DOES BEST!!!!! THIS WHAT PUTS THE SECOND "W" IN WC F'K'N W -Rey won by pinfall -commercials -Backstage, Ric Flair clears away the mothballs and brings back out SGT. BUDDY LEE PARKER OF THE STATE HIGHWAY PATROL!!!!!!!! Ric gets Buddy to do the job and put over his son David tonight. -By the way, Parker is pretty much the head guy over at the WCW Power Plant...for those who were wondering where the F**k they got him from. -Then Flair knocks on a door. Out comes David Flair and Torrie. Ric tells his kid that he gets to fight Parker tonight.....then tells Torrie's breasts that everything is going according to her breasts. Torrie seemed pleased with what Ric's breasts had to say. She seemed to be walking bowl legged. -They left...Nash walked out of the room pulling up his fly....which explains everything. -breasts...those breasts are amazing....I want to jam something in between them and start.....atarst.....stamnsdh........oh yeah.....oh yeah..........you no good dirty slut...yeah...you like it......you like it.......yeah........mmmph............HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -commercials...ahhhhhhhhhh -Booker T promises Mean Gene that he's gonna do something to someone....I had to get some napkins, so I wasn't paying attention -commercials -Torrie Wilson led out David Flair. Ric Flair followed with Arn and Asya. -Tony, "Charles Robinson, has become the first referee without pants!" Funny to hear. -Parker spent the match telling David to "DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY YOU MAGGOT!!!! YOU WANT TO BE A RASSLER???? I WANT 20, NO 50 PUSHUPS OUTTA YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" -Bob Ryder said that David Flair might be the "future of this sport"....years from now....people will be speculating...nay....ARGUING over when Bob officially sold his soul out for a few shekels. I stand before you good people..and say that TODAY...May 15, 1999....in Bob's "Notes from Bob" article....is the day Mr. Ryder....officially.......sold his soul to WCW. Now, a moment...of silent prayer...................................................... -............................................... -................................................ -................................................. -................................................. -R.I.P Bob....sniff -David ended up winning.....I am wondering whether I attempt a second go round with Torrie Wilson....this soon after the first time might cause unnecessary scabbing. -commercials -Flair, Robinson, and Asya came out -Flair ordered the entire Savage crew out there right now -Savage came out..... -Madusa came out....Miss Madness came out.....George came out on crutches. There was more plastic in that ring than on a Corvette -Now it's Savage and Madusa against Flair and Robinson. -Savage got on the mic and said "OOO YEAH" a lot -Madusa looks like she can bang her way through a trailer park harder than a tornado....and from what I hear.......well, never mind -God...I LOVE THIS LI'L NATCH!!!!!!!!! -It's what you would expect....Flair hit all his bumps.....Robinson took a beating from a GIRL!!!! (PUSSY!!!!!!!!) -Madoucha hit Robinson with the single worse Tombstone I have seen since Mongo came on the scene -Madusa had a moment with Flair.....and completely F-up a backdrop. -at one point, Madusa rolled up Flair from behind....FOR A SPLIT SECOND...I thought Flair was going to job to a broad.....I would have kicked in my TV screen. -he didn't.....thank CHRIST!!!!! -In the end, after a little more nonsense, Savage put his boot on Li'L Natch's chest and got the pin. I'm getting tired of watching Flair chalk up loss after loss after loss....HOW ABOUT A FEW WINS FOR ONCE HUH??? -commercials -I am quite sure that the second hour showed up by now. -DJ Rad asked the fans what they thought of the chicks......the fans handed him there money, begging him to spare their lives. -Okerlund brought out Piper.....since this is the 90's Piper...this interview was by the books... -1) get Cheap heat from the fans, "If you wanna fly, ya gotta be a Hawkeye!" -2) Make a "hip" reference (He mentioned Dolly Parton's hair and Barbra Streisand's nose...and of course...RuPaul) -NOTE: The above references is what Piper THINKS is topical. -3) make fun of his opponent with horrible jokes that fall flat. "Flair is BROKE!! How can he run a billion dollar company if he can't control his family finances!" -3) More references and bad jokes that don't even make sense, "They asked Flair about the Y2K! Flair said, "No problem, Charles Robinson has two tubes of Vaseline in his bag!!" -4) (Flair) "Was asked about the Phantom Menace...he thought they were talking about Hilary Clinton!!".....you could hear the crickets chirp.....total silence.... -I...I...I've had enough of this. Good bye -there was some stuff with Eric Bischoff...because Piper is in charge of getting his ass over...which is funny since I would argue that Piper is no linger "over" anymore either....I'm sorry, there is only so much more I can take. -Then Randy Savage came out with his girls.....Piper and Bischoff ended up getting laid OUT...YEEEESSSSSSSSSS WHAT UP MACH???????????? WHAT THE F**K UP???????????????? -Then Nash came out to protect Pipes and Bischs......why get HIM involved with these douchbags?? Nash is the only one in there (other than Savage) who is cool? -Savage challenged the big gook to a title match tonight...even suggesting that Nash "hand the title over to him, like he did in the Georgia Dome to that other guy"....(ooo yeah...nice shot..especially considering how bad a mistake that stunt turned out to be!) -Nash took the mic and said that Savage already used his American Express card with his dates. (Heenan, "WHOOOOOOOOO") -Nash said the first job was nothing but a "political move"...but Savage will have to work for it. -It pretty much ended the segment...that started out lamer than Fatso's alleged "ass rippings" of me....but ended up cooler than cool. -Here's what we learned.... -A: Savage is eternally cool...but still a little dated -B: Savage's chicks are best with their yaps shut -C: Piper sucks -D: Bischoff sucks harder -E: Nash could never suck -F: Hyatte sucks -commercials -video compilation of everything that's been going down lately. -Hak came out with Chastity....who is a PORN STAR!!!!!!!! -By the way, you know why Jenna Jameson never made it to RAW as Val Venis's manager? Because USA Network nixed the idea..they didn't want porn chicks on their network. Who would have thought that TNT would prove to be looser than USA? -Hak grabbed the mic and told everyone that he IS the "King of Extreme"....just shaddup and smoke a butt...and drink a 6 pack inside of 5 minutes. -Fit Finlay came out on the NITROTRON (MY GOD...THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!) and told the bloody shagger to shut his bleeding gums. -Then Finlay came out...Hak talked himself horse...then gave Finlay the mic. -Finlay beaned Hak with the mic...and the bell rang. -Hak broke out a ladder.....WCW broke out the... -commercials -Tables and ladders and chairs.....oh my! -It was a big mess.....then Knobbs showed up....and it was a bigger mess....Tony decided that this was a DEFINITE "catch our breaths" moment and sent us off for some... -commercials -Rick Steiner came out with a hunk of his beard dyed blonde. -Booker T came out to raise the roof on this mutha...... -errr....no he didn't.....Booker T was laid out backstage...thus, we were denied a Rick Steiner match (BOOOOO....or is that YAAAAAAY??) -we WEREN'T denied a peak into Steiner's awesome intellect. He decided to lecture the crowd.....it would have been nice if his mic was turned on. -There it went....NOW Steiner could be heard (again...BOOO or YAAY?). He challenged anyone to come on out and get some... -Steiner started to leave...then Sting came out and attacked....we had a match. They moved within ten feet of the announcer table....Tony screamed, "F-THIS" and ran like a girl. -Somewhere in this "made-on-the-spot" match.....something happened...in order to find out WHAT happened, you'll have to go to page 2! CAN YOU STAND THE EXCITEMENT????? Chris Hyatte
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