Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Together again, for the 86th time...5/19/99 Mop-Up RAW "Ok, I've got a since of humor. I also believe everyone has a right to speak their mind. Why do YOU get to write a column on Scoops. Everyone tells you that you suck. You seem to think you're some sort of editorial heel and that this is somewhat funny. You're not funny. You're a bore who basically writes the same brainless column week by week. In essence, that woud take talent something you sir, don't possess (at least in this format.) You use write a lewd coulumn and maybe all the WWF marks (of which I am one) are supposed to jump on your bandwagon. Shock value without substance is equivalent to grade school profanity on the playground. Maybe you should take a different angle, what you're doing is an embarrasement to the wrestling reporters who actually write interesting and entertaining articles." Brian Dickerson dominiond@mindspring.com (Owner of a REAL since of humor!) I'm embarrassing WRESTLING reporters? Is that even POSSIBLE? This is Chris, writer of El Moppo Uppo....where I spend a single paragraph ragging on a insecure, closet homosexual with a speech impediment and he retorts with a 5 page essay on what a "pathetic loser" I am....not once seeing the irony....and yet I'M the dumb one? Dude...I didn't WANT to get busy with your momma's booty...but she was BEGGING. We got some openers to cover, then it's off to the races. Congrats to Al for BREAK THE Barrier's success...even the mighty Scherer begrudgingly (I'm sure), posted a letter from a guy who said that it was probably the best Independent show he ever saw. Cheers to The Lariat guy for doing what's right! JEERS to Rick Scaia...who tried his best to downplay the whole thing as a "mixed offering". Jealousy rules the Internet...and Dicky Boy is the most jealous of them all. You people.....you people really do rock. I mean..the kindness that you folks show me is staggering at times. First of all, last week I received more POSITIVE e-mails than I ever have in the 2 years I've been here....my box was FLOODED with them....I was amazed, especially since I'll be the first to admit that last week's RAW column sucked HUGE...horrible effort...yet you folks weighed in with TONS of well wishing. If I may break the "Hyatte" character for a moment and speak to you as simply "Chris Hyatte"...I just want to say thank you. You people...my "acolytes" as another jealous little spazz likes to refer to you as (how THAT qualifies is an insult is beyond me)..really know how to inspire a guy to recycle old material ad nauseum. As if that wasn't enough...a fellow by the name of Fred Campisi offered to PAY FOR MY ENTIRE stay in Philly in order to get me at "Break the Barrier"...sorry bro', but I take handouts about as well as I take compliments....it makes me too uncomfortable. Like I said, you folks are amazing. Okay, back in character...EVERYONE SUCKS EXCEPT FOR ME AND THERESA ISAACS!!!!!!!!! F-You all!!!!! By the way....I only logged in twice last week, so even though I read all your letters (including an e-mail from a 40 year old mother who amazed me by admitting to actually liking my stuff), I barely replied to any of them. Usually, I'm pretty good at replying to letters....so don't let the fact that I may blow you off once or twice stop you from sending me a note. What else is going on.....I saw Austin on Nash Bridges. I'll tell you one thing, the bald prick is damn sure photogenic. He just looks so GOOD on camera. He needs to take some acting classes though, badly. I also heard Austin on the Stern show....I MAY make the time and transcribe the entire segment for Al to post, including an incident that took place later between a caller and Stern. The lady was pissed at Austin because she took her son to the radio station to meet him and Austin pretty much blew them off. Stern tore her a new a-hole something fierce. It was pretty compelling crap....I think you would enjoy it. I'll see if I can get it in sometime this week, or early next week. HE IS COMING....AND SCOOPS MAY NEVER BE THE SAME!!!! (At least I HOPE he's coming.....I'm still trying to work on that...stay tuned) FINALLY......I think I have figured out why my Nitro column isn't being read as much as the RAW column....it boils down to two reasons: 1) People HATE Nitro and want nothing to do with it. Hey, I HATE parts of Nitro too....so I goof on it. That's no reason for you to ignore my carefully crafted, excruciatingly labored work! For crying out loud people...get with the program and start acting like REAL wrestling fans!!! 2) I blow through Nitro and it that upsets WCW fans. Hey, I am a fan of parts of Nitro too.....but your complaints have merit. So, while I will simply REFUSE to spend more than a sentence on Konnan, Van Hammer, or anyone wearing an NWO Black and White T-shirt...I WILL promise to offer a more complete recap...especially after the third hour. And yes, I'll be nicer to WCW...not TOO much nicer, but I'll try to keep a more open heart towards what they are trying to do. By the way, this week's closer is my little salute to the BREAK THE BARRIER show. I figured that by now, Al is so high on the whole experience that now would be a good time to do a little deflating and have some fun. Hummm....anything else? Let's see....don't hold your breath waiting for Goldberg to show up on RAW. He's just trying to get more money out of Eric..and I'm sure he will. Of course, I could do a little joke about Goldberg's religion and the stereotype about how all members of Goldberg's religion are always looking to cut a better deal...but that kind of material is DISCRIMINATORY, OFFENSIVE, AND HAS NO PLACE IN THIS COLUMN...OR IN ANY WRESTLING COLUMN AT ALL!!! MY GOD PEOPLE, CAN'T WE DO A LITTLE EVOLVING BEFORE GOD PULLS THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER US AND DESTROYS THIS PLANET AT 12:01 AM, JANUARY 1ST, 2000???????? Well, I guess I'm all finished.... Oh wait...one last thing....I TOLD YOU THAT EPISODE 1 WOULD SUCK!!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU THAT I HAD A FUNNY FEELING THAT THE "PHANTOM MENACE" WOULD BE A HUGE DISSAPPOINTMENT!!!! EVERYONE WHO SAW A SNEAK PREVIEW SAID THAT IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!!! BUT I "PREDICTED" THAT WEEKS AND WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE AGAIN, HYATTE MAKES THE RIGHT CALL!!!!! ONCE AGAIN, HYATTE KNOWS ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid ass fan boys.......all orgasmic about Episode 1.......HA!!!!! Get a clue. Jeeze..don't you know that the MOP-UP is the ONLY thing in LIFE that you should look forward to? BUT....since I am a good man at heart, I won't spoil the movie for you and reveal key elements..like the fate of Darth Maul...who's only in the movie for less then ten minutes. Heh... Okay, before you start up with the hate letters...let's get this road on the show.... RAW IS WAR: (or I have nothing to say here) -opens with NO video package, NO highlight reel, NO recap of anything that happened last week! Why should they? According to the ratings...EVERYBODY was watching anyway!!! -opening theme.....God, Austin was so FAT a year ago...look at that belly he's sporting in the opening scene where he's walking towards us. -There are the fireworks....there are the fans....there's old mush mouth -"THE ENTHUSHIASHM....THE ATMOSHFERE IS ELECTIFYING!!!" -Signs are everywhere....but they are lame for the most part. What's wrong with you people? -Ross pushes two BIG main events...."Stone Cold" Steve Austin, with his "intense, physical style" will meet Triple H, with his "smooth, technical style. (Translation: Austin will just start swinging and HHH will duck out of the ring) -Then the Undertaker will take on the Rock in a Casket match. (Translation: Either Vince or Shane will end up in the box) -This is taped..so you know what that means... -That's right...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!! -X-Pac and Road Dog come out under the old "DX" theme song. -Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the first lame joke of the evening: -I don't know if I said this before, but the 30ish Road Dog has as much business being in a group called "Degeneration X" as Raven has being called a "disillusioned youth". They should call the group, "Disgruntled Middle Aged" -THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! -sigh -Kane came out. Ross mentioned that through X-Pac and "others", Kane is slowly learning to trust some people...... -Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, the first lame Patterson joke of the evening: -Actually, that sentence immediately above this WAS the first lame Patterson joke of the evening. I told you it was lame....a little conceptual, but lame none-the-less. -double sigh -Road Dog advises us all to "Suck it" if we weren't down on this "Gleesome Threesome".....I'm sorry, I can't be down with ANYTHING that can be called "Gleesome". -Jackie Gleesome...now THAT was a comedian....BANG ZOOM...YEAH JACKIE, SMACK THAT BITCH UP!!!!!!!!!! YA FAT BASTARD!!!!! -Billy Gunn is an "Ass Man"....as his song tells us. He also likes flat chested women...but "Flat Titty Man" wasn't as catchy -Then D-Lo and Mark Henry come out with that white chick. I'm waiting for the day she grabs the mic and screams, "WHAT UP DEE?"...just so I can make like Elvis, shoot out my TV screen, and start performing "My Way" in Las Vegas. -It's a 6 man tag match..... -Am I the only guy whose convinced that D-Lo has a little white in him? Were his parents mixed? -According to JR....X-Pac's feet are Harvard Law grads. They lived in the same dorm room as Stan Lane's feet....(there's a little old school reference for you old farts to chew on.) -Hey, now that he's almost a lawyer, will Bob Ryder hire Mike Samuda for representation the next time someone slanders on him in their column? -X-Pac does what he does best...take a beating -Kane does what he does best.....try to keep breathing under that unGodly stifling mask! -Road Dog does what he does best....stays in the corner and trip out on that tab of EX he took an hour ago! -They tease a Kane chokeslam on Henry...but that kind of stuff is reserved for PPV's. -There ain't no jobbing tonight....instead, Shane leads out the Ministry and the Corporation for a little time munching angle development. -Shane grabs the mic, Jim Ross, "shudders at what will come out of his mouth." Poor bastard...he must pass out at the thought of what comes out of Patterson's mouth then. -Ironically, as he said that, a huge gob of Big Mac came out of Jim Ross' mouth...dozens of ringside fans puke in unison. Lawler barfed right in his crown. -Shane promises to "annihilate all in their path"....then set up the idea that the Union are NOT there tonight....due to car problems. -Shane wrapped it up by saying that Vince McMahon is "first on the list of three tonight" to get his ass handed to him. Ross registered outrage, "THAT'S HIS FATHER DAMMIT!!!!! THAT IS HIS FATHER THAT HE WANTS TO DESTROY!!!!" -Backstage with Vincent K (Let's take a week off from this shall we?) McMahon, Gerald Brisco, and Patrick Fitzpatterson hear this and prepare for the worst. Pat starts pushing a sofa against the door.....which is a bit too easy a set up...even for me. -commercials -Shane is leading the way, searching for "Dad". -Ross can't believe the "indignity of that young man". Lawler can't believe that Ross is letting that gob of ice cream just sit there on his cheek...slowly melting away. -Backstage, Shane is at Vince's dressing room door....he orders Viscera to kick the door down. -In the room, Pat tells Vince to look in the closet for something to use...Vince opens it up...a pack of hairless Gerbils run out....Vince breaks character and screams, "DAMMIT PAT!!! COULDN'T YA WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE GODDAM SHOW????" -Then the Undertaker, HHH, and Chyna step out of the closet....UT grabs Vince by the throat and yanks him in..the screen goes dark....we hear Patterson yell, "DON'T START WITHOUT ME, DAMMIT ALL VINCE..YOU LET TRIXIE, DIXIE, AND PRIXIE OUT TOO DAMN EARLY!!!!!" -commercials -Vince is seen being stretchered away to a "medical facility"......Pat is walking behind him, smoking a cigarette and saying, "The first time is always like this Boss! But once Trixie gets settled in, it'll be like you couldn't imagine life without him!!! Just stay away from spicy foods now!" -Jeff Jarrett came out with Deborah. -The Blue Blazer came out.... -Val Venis came out....he's got a big pecker -The Godfather comes out alone...looks around.....looks confused....it dawns on him what the problem is.... -out come 6 Ho's. Lawler goes nuts over all those puppies....it's a real menagerie in their..with the puppies (for the boobies), the pussies (for the...well...down there), and the elephants (for those FAT ASSES!!!!...or should that be..."PHAT ASSES") -Of course, I have nothing against fat asses... -Ross made it LOUD and CLEAR that even though The Godfather is a PIMP...he's more of a Michael Keaton/Henry Winkler type of pimp...and NOT a bad momma jamma playa who gets his bitches high on crank then beats them up if they didn't bring enough money in. He's a GOOD chooch peddler! -It's a tag team match....made annoying by Lawler's incessant, erection driven comments. -DAMMIT JARRETT!!!! WIN ONE FOR US OLD SCHOOL WRESTLING FANS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!! -Nicole Bass showed up...she didn't do much -Neither did the Blue Blazer...who did the job to the Pimp and lost the match. Loyalty means NOTHING in the WWF...NOTHING!!!!! -backstage, the Rock does the same exact thing he ALWAYS has done in the last few weeks when they showed him backstage, pacing back and forth, dreaming up new catchphrases. -commercials....you know one night, I was starving. So I went to the store and picked up four cans of that Overstuffed Ravioli that Mankind is pushing. I dumped all four in a big bowl and nuked them up. People....I only made it through about a quarter of the bowl before I was totally full.....and I mean to the bursting point. Want a quick meal? Want a meal that'll only cost you less then $3? Pick up two cans of the Overstuffed Ravioli and chow down....it'll take care of ya! Chris Hyatte
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