Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

This space is available for rental...5/19/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Austin arrived -Terri Runnels, Jacqueline, and RYAN SHAMROCK are the "new" PMS....(I miss the little geisha girl that Val used to run around with...she was a hottie) and they come out with "Meat"...aka Sean Stasiak.....aka Stan Stasiak's son.....aka the boy with the Buff Bagwell haircut.....aka FAG!!! -Lawler and Ross speculated that since PMS are so turned off by guys...and since they are THISCLOSE to becoming full blown Roy Orbison looking Lesbos....maybe, perhaps they are USING Meat for some malevolent purposes? What I want to know is...WHO GIVES A F**K IF THEY'RE USING HIM!!! -Let me break it down like this...would you rather be USED by Terri Runnels...or LOVED by Nicole Bass? -thank you. Here's a lesson for you kids....USE THEM OR BE USED!!!!!!! "True love" is dead...you got to train them.....your house, your rules.....beat them down, wear them down...treat them like crap....they will ALWAYS come back for more...F-ing ALWAYS!!!!!! -thank you....now excuse me while I go rub my weenie with my hand. -............................... -....................................... -...................................... -.........I'm back -Jacky interfered....Teddy Long had the bell ring...DQ's all the way. Test was kicked around some more... -Then Torrie came down the ring. I will say this...in the "Torrie" department....WCW wins it hands down...(See? How can you say I'm anti-WCW now huh?) -Torrie ended up knocking down both Ryan and Jacky.....chasing this group away and tending to Test....thus, the finally found something for her to do. -Backstage, Shane tells his troops that it's time to take care of a certain Goldberg imitator -commercials -Dan Marino was seen in the crowd.....he never did get to buy Joe Montana that Diet Pepsi (HA!!! Try to figure that one out...JUST...YOU....TRY!!!!!!!!!) -umm...in all due fairness..it could have been a Diet Coke..or a Tab...or a regular Pepsi..or maybe even a regular Coke. -Steve Austin came out for some long overdue mic time (it HAS been a while) -He talks his trash.....hyping up his upcoming match with Triple H.....then his match with the Undertaker next week. All told, he said the word "ass" about 36 times. -Then Shane McMahon came out with his mini-army. He told Stevo that if he lays one finger on him this Sunday...it'll be a DQ and a title change. -Then he sent the Commisery after him.... -BUT..Ken Shamrock snuck up behind Shane and put him in the choke hold that Taz always uses but I never figured out how it's spelled and since ECW is sinking harder than a lead fart....it really doesn't matter anyway. -I can't WAIT until Shane Douglas does his first quasi-shoot speech on RAW...maybe as early as next week!!! Shane Douglas isn't the best wrestler in the world..or even a very good one...but he is DEFINITELY one of THE best mic men EVER. -The Mineration did a U-Turn and went after Shamrock....the UNION showed up....guess what ensued -Meanwhile, Austin grabbed Paul Bearer and threw him in the ring...he invited the UT to come into the ring and get his manager...UT didn't move. One Stunner later and Bearer was jiggling on the ground. -THE MAN IS GOING TO HAVE A FRIGGIN' HEART ATTACK PEOPLE!!! HIS BODY IS NOT EXACTLY BUILT FOR THIS!!!!!!! -commercials -The second hour bursts through.....or, as it will be called in the WCW head offices by the time you read this...the single WORST HOUR IN ALL OF OUR LIVES. -No kidding, I caught the ratings just before I started writing this....the WWF was drawing "7"s all throughout this last hour.....Nitro was pulling "2"s.....WCW: "It's Out There!".....maybe they should start giving directions...because the fans seem to be LOST! -by the way, I seem to remember Bob Ryder saying that Raw had officially "bottomed out" when they were pulling "2"s a year and a half ago.....not to blast him for his UNBIASED opinion or anything but.......does this mean that Nitro is now "bottoming out" too? Someone should go and ask him. -It's time for the Casket match...who will end up in the coffin? -Could it be the UT? -Could it be the Rock? -Could it be the hopes and dreams of any fan who thinks this will end in anything other than a screwjob? -Could it be me? Completely depressed after I just learned that I am a full two years older than Maivia? -Could it be...oh screw this... -Backstage, the Union and the Corporate Titistry are still going at it -You know, these two guys have NEVER fought on pay per view?! I expect that to change once UT and Shane screw Austin out of the title come Sunday. -HHH, Shane, and Chyna showed up to make sure nobody loses heat by getting....umm.... "casketed"? -HHH ended up taking a mallet and smashing the Rock's cast with it...a big hole resulted. -Maivia ended up in the casklet...well F-me with a ..someone DID end up in the casket! -Casklet? What the fu** is a casklet? -Actually, to be honest..the only thing to end up in the casket was Nitro's ratings -Then they locked up the casket, then HHH took the mallet and beat the crap out of it. Of course, the Rock used the trap door and scurried under the ring before any of this happened. Join me next week as I reveal how to pull a gerbil out of Patterson's ass. I am after all, VALENTINO HYATTE!! Wrestler columnist/Feminine Magician!!!!! -I have waited 9 months to find a spot for a Valetino joke...just so you know. -Meanwhile....Ross was selling his heart out, "THERE'S A HUMAN BEING IN THERE DAMMIT!!!! A HUMAN B...." -commercials -during the break, WWF Officials load the casket into an ambulance...it will be air lifted directly to Bob Vila's house..BECAUSE THE CASKET CAN STILL BE FIXED DAMMIT!!!! IT CAN STILL BE OF USE TO SOMEONE!!!!!! -Dok Hendrix is DEAD....Michael "P.S. Hayes was BACK!!! And he had the hardy Boyz with him. -The Brood come out..it's another 6 man tag match...another 6 man tag.....I smell Terry Taylor's bookmaking shining through. -Okay people....let's get a little old school and show these young'ns how it's done....SING WITH ME NOW!!!! -BAD STREET, ATLANTA G.A!!....BADDEST STREET IN THE WHOLE USA!!! BAD STREET NASTY AND HOT!!!! -well, that's all I remember......maybe I'll have to make up new lyrics if Hayes keeps a prominent role on TV. -Michael Hayes is in a 6 man tag team match??? With no Buddy Roberts??? WITH NO TERRY "BAM BAM" GORDY???????????? (My God!!! Kerry Von Erich is spinning in his grave......so is Fritz.....so is David.....so is Michael......so is Chris.....so is Lance......so is Gino Hernandez......so is Kevin's career......so is Rick Rude...good Lord...did ANYONE survive World Class Championship Wrestling?) -Lawler remarks that he has NEVER seen a casket so unmercifully destroyed like that with somebody in it.....hey Jerry, you old pedofile....howz about a year ago? When Kane lit the casket on fire? WITH THE UNDERTAKER STILL IN IT????? -Michael Hayes looks GOOD.....Al has said that he is working some Indy circuits....nice to see some old timers still cut a solid match. -They should have saved this match for a time when RAW was closer to Georgia....like say in Alabama or Tennessee...where the fans would have REALLY popped for P.S. -Now..all we need is some Hayes mic work and we are in bizness. -The match threw the match out after they all went outside.....nice match...nice blend of old school (I've been using that word a lot today?) and some great action that's usually reserved for the WCW Cruiserweights. Solid stuff. -The Rock was being stretchered...he had some blood gushing.....thankfully, the casket was already in the air and Bob Vila has a team on standby....time is crucial, but at least it'll get a fighting chance. -commercials -during the break, Maivia was loaded up. Ross announced that he is totally disoriented....he was heard saying, "Do you smell what a rudy poo trailer park hotel smells like?" Ross was so sad, he barely finished his Meatball Sub. -Al Snow came out with his head, a bag, and a trunk filled with goodies. -a video clip detailing the story of Snow, Bob Holly, and the Hardcore title....either they felt that we needed a reminder of what's going on...or Michael Cole needed something to do. -Snow was in the ring with a mic.....he had an arm band with the name "Pierre" on it. -This was classic stuff..... -"We're here tonight to eulogize...a true superstar of the sports entertainment world! A cover boy of "Field & Stream", a friend of the NRA, my friend, a true friend, who always kept an eye out for me! You can say that Pierre was the one eye......the one I loved (one eye?? BWAHAHAHAAA). So here we're going to pay tribute to Pierre....my friend...(he opened his bag). I have a few of his favorite things here....cigars...Pierre loved to smoke it, I always told him it would be the death of him. I guess I was wrong. is reading glasses, his favorite episode of "Columbo", his favorite tape....Sammy Davis Jr. You loved Sammy Davis didn't you (If I may....Mr. BOOOOOO JANGLES!! THAT CAT COULD DANCE!!!!!...thank you). His favorite night shirt that he wore the night of his first accident (he produced a nighty with a big tire track running across it). Pierre will live on THROUGH ME!!! BECAUSE BOB HOLLY BRUTALLY BLINDSIDED PIERRE!! The last time I saw an animal violated like that was when my class took a field trip to a SHEEP FARM!!!! While Pierre laid in a hospital bed that I mad4e the staff put him in, with the IV hooked up to him, he passed on the Hardcore title to me to make me the true crown Prince of Harcore! He looked at me with that one good eye, that had that gleam in it, like it always did! And with his last, dying breath he said to me...."AWWWWWWWCOUGHCOOOOOUGH HAAACK'." -then Bob Holly came out with an antler in his hand....Lawler was asking Ross if he thought there was any way that Snow's parents were NOT siblings. Holly took an eye patch and flicked it away into the crowd. -Holly hit the ring...Snow clobbered him with his Head, then gave him the "Snow Plow". Then he screamed at him. - I have no idea what any of this had to do with anything. This left me thoroughly confused. All I know is that I may have to start watching "Heat"...I don't really want to..but it may be important. -backstage, Cole is outside Austin's locker room.....he's going to try to get a word with him when they get back. -backstage part douche.....Shane, HHH, Chyna, and the UT are around the corner...waiting for Austin to open that door. Whether Austin opens it or not...one thing remains reasonably sure...Cole is going to end up getting punked around a little....poor Mikey.....HE JUST WANTS TO ENTERTAIN AND INFORM DAMMIT!!!! HE AINT TODD PETTINGILL AND HE'LL NEVER BE HIM!!!!!! CAN'T THEY JUST LET HIM EARN HIS MEASLY 30K AND KEEP HIS FAMILY FED????????? -commercials -Ross takes a second to pat his company on the back for hitting the "8"s last week against the NBA.....I wonder if he'll do the same next week, now that they are hitting "7"s while Nitro is losing viewers faster than "South Park"? (And believe me....no one is happier about South Park's drop than ME!! I can't stand those two idiots!) -Cole was talking to Austin...Austin barely had time to say the word "ass" when... -The Union and the Corpus Christy's brawl continued......UT and HHH joined that fray instead of going for Austin. -commercials -"The Big Show" Paul Wight came out.....probably thrilled that he got out of WCW at the right time. He had members of the Union with him. -The Big Bossman came out, he had his men with him. -I saw a sign that read, "OBI WAN JABRONY".......okay, I laughed.....so not ALL the signs were lame...but a good 95% of them were....F-You. -Oh Hell, you know who won. Wight dumped out to both Austin and Foley...plus he has the UT's bitch as of late.....you think Vince is going to totally wreck him by jobbing him out to Ray Traylor? Bitch, Puleaze. -There's HHH, Shane, and the She-male...things are wrapping up for the night -spot for the Cleavages....in almost 30 years (Gawd....I want to die) of existence, I never once...even FATHOMED..the notion of hearing the words "dry, clean, hairy beaver" uttered on national TV. -"Nobody likes a sloppy beaver".......if I tossed in a joke about the mother of a certain web guy right here....would I be going too far? Probably...so I won't make mention of the mother of a certain web guy, even though it would be PERFECT placement. I'm a nice guy like that. -commercials -we see the Union get in a car and drive off...presumably after the Comeoninstry -Triple H comes out with Chyna...his new theme song kicks ASS -Austin comes out....his theme song never stopped kicking ASS...they start fighting on the ramp. -It's all Austin at first -Ross sez that we are fresh out of.. -commercials -for the rest of the night. -It's all HHH at second -Austin feigned a knee injury......the Ref made sure that he was just faking it. -Austin was pitched right across the Announcer table.....TWICE. Gotta give him credit....he's a huge deal now, he can phone in his performances from here on out...yet he still takes the bumps...he still takes the bump. -As with anytime Austin is getting mauled, Ross pitches in with, "COME ON NOW...THAT'S ENOUGH DAMMIT!!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" -HHH punched Austin...Austin flew backwards...his back went right into the mini monitor that Ross and Lawler uses.....Austin grabbed his back....shit like that has GOT to hurt...no two ways about it. -later on...HHH took his turn rolling across the Announcer table...Ross went totally unobjective and screamed, "YEAH ATONE COLD...BEAT HIS ASS INTO THE GROUND DAMMIT!!!! DON'T LET HIM BREATH FOR A SECOND...KILL HIM...YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!!!!!" Fat prick.....CALL IT EVEN ROSS...DAMN YOU!!!!!!!! -The Undertaker's symbol/cross was being lowered down towards the middle of the ring -The UT showed up......guess what HE did? -One more time with the Union and the Corporate Ministry just for the hell of it. -In the end, Austin turned tables (and a microphone) and the UT ended up being....ehh....."symbolized".....middle fingers galore, but the UT was laughing...because the UT has a plan...oh yes...the UT has a plan. -kill the show Not bad, pretty good...some more actual wrestling that didn't feel like a fast food, get them in, get them out special. Some good stuff. RAW is peaking now. Every cylinder is firing and almost everything is working. We got a little Nitro to take a look at...and if the All Mighty Isaacs isn't too burnt out on all the hard effort he put into Saturday's show...maybe he'll even provide a link to the Nitro column right below this sentence. (Al's note: Your wish is my...well...my...suggestion? Anyway, here's that link!) Chris Hyatte
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