Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the May 22 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte I want you to know something. It took exactly 11 minutes & 46 seconds for me to give up any hope of a decent lead in for the Nitro recap here and just start the thing. I guess it really doesn't matter. I know you people will just blitz down to the Closer and that'll be it. It makes me sad, people... so sad. It also makes me wonder why I even bother. I could be with my girlfriend now. EVERYTHING I say seems to captivate her. SHE doesn't ignore me until my final few sentences... unlike SOME people. Err, then again, it's a crappy recap this week... you might be better off just skipping. NITRO: (or: Oh Jeeze... Bischoff's being a tough guy again) -opens with the ending to "E.R". The final shot is of a teary eyed Sherry Stringfield. You'd be crying too if you left the top rated show on television and completely vanished off the face of the planet. At this point, she would probably KILL for another shower scene with a drunken, angry David Caruso. -WCW Logo... why can't this thing get Parkinson's Disease and gracefully bow out of the show? -last week on "Thunder", oh you better believe that a LOT of things happened. Alas, I couldn't watch it. I had to say goodbye to Dylan, Brenda, Kelly and the guys one last time. -and may I say that I am now officially 1 faulty chromosome away from moving to California and becoming a full time Tiffanie Amber Thiessan stalker. -Wow, there was a moment in "Thunder" when Arn Anderson was left lying somewhere writhing in pain?? WHAT will these writers think of NEXT? -the show opens with a Hearse pulling in outside with a black stretch limo behind it. My God! Who would have thought that Sir John's Gielgud's last request was to attend a NITRO SHOW???? THAT'S LOYALTY!!!! -Tony Schiavone's voice could be heard saying that "last week, we witnessed a horrible sight!!" (I'll say... HOW CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT "90210" TELLING US HOW TO RUN OUR LIVES??? LUKE PERRY IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF "COOL"!! NOW WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO???) -can't say I'll miss Brian Austin Green though. He is such a wannabe. -Tony welcomes us to Monday Nitro. One full hour early. At what point does someone realize that they are nowhere near "night time" and change the name to the more proper, "Monday Eveningtro"? -Tony promises us that we are seeing this all "live". Then asked what degrading, humiliating, dignity raping act will Vince Russo perform on Ric Flair TONIGHT??? More importantly, will it involve a 20 minute monologue that I'll end up spending 3 hours trying to recap and make humorous? -Vince Russo gets out of the Limo with the WCW World title over his shoulder. Jeff Jarrett, Elizabeth, and David Flair are with him. Russo is moaning, "Oh why did it have to be him? Whyyyy?" (I know, Vince... I know... how Charlie Sheen got to replace Michael J. Fox is a mystery to ALL OF US.) -That was the ALTERNATIVE line. My FIRST line was about Rudy Guiliani's cancer, which would have fit more with Russo's New York upbringing, but I doubt many of my non New York readers would have understood and/or cared. I'm always thinking of YOU. -Well, I USED to always think of YOU... now I find myself thinking of HER a lot too. -what passes for an opening theme... -... that segues into fireworks, fans, and Schiavone reminding us that the Great American bash is only "twenty days AWAY!!!!!" Which mean that we might even enjoy a Sunday or two withOUT ANY PAY PER VIEWS AT ALL!!!!!!!! THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL!!!!!!! -Tony says that they are "on the banks of Lake Michigan" (Now really... would you place your entire life's savings in a place that holds WRESTLING MATCHES?????) -Tony also says that tonight will be a "turning point in the ongoing battle between the New Blood and the Millionaire's Club". (Who out there wants to bet that this is a bald face LIE???) -They are in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Where it feels like Winter 9 months a year. -Scott Hudson and Mark Madden are with Tony. If we are VERRRY lucky, maybe Madden will be the "Heel Announcer" tonight and say thing totally asinine in the spirit of an antique style from two decades ago. -Ernest "The Cat" Miller comes to the ring wearing an outfit made from the hide of a Cheetah. Obviously, WCW is implying that he recently hunted, killed, and skinned the Cheetah right before they plucked him out of the Jungles of Africa and made him work in the Deep South that is Atlanta. How they can boldly get away with such blatant RACISM is mind boggling. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE ALERT SPIKE LEE OF THIS???? -Booker T came down the aisle with a shocked look on his face. He looked Miller's outfit over and mouthed the words, "This muthaf**ka thinks he's in "Roots 3!!" -When did Booker regain his "T" anyway? -We are informed that this is a "Weapons Match". The Announcers harp on Miller's Martial Arts background and basically ring the death knell on poor Booker. (the Good news is, he will forever live in reruns of "Good Times") -Miller takes early offense early with chairs and sticks. Madden says that the idea of Martial Arts is to "Improvise and Utilize". (Funny, I thought the idea of Martial Arts was to learn how to fight so you won't HAVE to fight! I thought the first rule was to WALK AWAY???? Or was Pat Morita just a pussy?) -of course, Madden is a Master of the "Eating Arts", where your belts don't change color as you advance... they just get longer and longer. -Miller makes use of a pair of "nunchakus", or as Tony called them, "Numb Chucks". The inventor was a paraplegic named "Chuck"? -weak, Hyatte, Lord was that WEAK. -Madden had a "scoop" for us, (Does that mean it will automatically be wrong and unverified? I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I couldn't help that one... BWAHAHAAAA) -Madden announced that "credible sources" have informed him that Ernest Miller is the Karate Instructor of Eric Bischoff's 16 year old son, Garrett. -HA!!! AND WHO HAS BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS???? THAT'S RIGHT BUDDY BOY!!! ME!!! (ofcourseitwasn'texactlyawellkeptsecretorevenasecretatallbutf-it) -Madden also called himself "Pro Wrestling's ONLY real journalist" (Censors seemed to have attempted a BLEEP there). Didn't a court basically LAUGH at the claim and tell Madden that he is NOT a journalist? Can't he be sued for false claims like that? -by the way, isn't "Garrett" a rather femmy name? Geeze, and I thought I had it rough going through High School being called "Chrissy". -Tony discussed the "relaxing of the rules" because "THIS is what the WCW FANS WANT TO SEE!!" (if they really cared about what we wanted to see, then shouldn't they just roll a big TV into the middle of the ring and turn it on RAW?) -Miller, if I can be crude, used two sticks to whip the crap out of Booker. This was all him. -Booker mounts a comeback. Madden admired Booker for working a "Weapons Match" without actually using a weapon. (WHAT??? WHAT ABOUT THE DEADLIEST WEAPON BOOKER POSSESES??? HIS MIND????) -eh... then again... if Booker had HALF a brain, he'd bail out of his contract and make a run at the WWF. How cool would a Booker/Rock war be? How big a star could Vince make this handsome, well spoken, well dressed, TALENTED worker into? -Booker finally grabs a stick... a WHITE stick... and proceeds to beat Miller with it. (don't even want to TOUCH the symbolism there.) -Then Sean Stasiak runs out and interferes.... screwjobbing the match effectively (Yes indeed, THIS IS WHAT WCW FANS WANT TO SEE!!!!!!) -Inexplicably, Miller runs outsider, grabs a chair, throws it back in, and seems to forget about it. Booker, meantime, rebounds against Stasiak (I ain't sellin' to no fool who records conversations), picks up the chair, and uses it on the prick. -Miller, cartwheels his feet into the chair, which is bounced into Booker's face. I REFUSE to believe that Miller planned to have Booker use the chair just to set up that cartwheel thingy. Not even Rommel could have plotted that out. -Miller then pinned Booker and won it. I guess Stasiak DIDN'T initiate a screwjob. I guess I was wrong. I guess you can go F-me now. It WAS a screwjob. Booker should NOT have lost... more importantly, Miller should NOT have won. -Booker gets beat on a little. -Then the Misfits run in and bail out Booker. I REFUSE to call them by their new names. Who would have thought that even with his cheesy, heritage pissing accent, Eddie would STILL be in a more dignified spot than Chavo. (well, okay... it's still a toss-up) -Major Gunns runs out. Madden responds by screaming "AAAA AAAAA!!!!" Hard to believe he is still a Virgin. -Of COURSE he is. You really think he USED to be skinny? -Hudson, "Bringing up the rear is Major Gunns!!" (well, now we know what show HE tapes while working on Nitro!) -This Gunns girl looks VERY familiar. Should I know her? Has she done porn? -The Misfits clean house. Miller and Stasiak walk away. Bischoff's music plays because Eric wants attention. -Madden calls Eric, "Mr. Bischoff". Yeah... wonder where he got that idea from. -Kimberly comes out with him. I bet she excels at oral. I don't know why. -Bischoff has a mic and tells the crowd to "settle down". (Since when was THAT ever a problem at Nitro? Heh heh HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAAAAA) -Eric didn't come out to hear the fans, (who responded by chanting something... might have been "ASSSSSH*LE"... but it probably was, "MOOOOP UP, MOOOP UP". He came out there to talk to Booker and the Misfits. (sounds like the arch enemy of "Josie and the Pussycats") -Eric bragged that his "dealings" in California were very successful and he is now "one phone call away from changing the face of the New Blood and WCW forever". (Well, Scherer squashed the rumor that it involved a MAJOR WWF player jumping ship. Which seems to say that this involves either A: The WCW return of Sabu or B: They signed some "celebrity" or "musical act". Or perhaps a network TV show? -HAS BURT REYNOLDS SIGNED A TWO YEAR CONTRACT WITH WCW??????? -Before Bischoff's big plan comes into effect... he wanted to offer Booker and the Misfits a new start with the New Blood. All old animosities cast away. Fresh starts all around!! -The Fitsnshits huddled with Booker briefly. Then "Rection" got on the stick and said "Hey Eric." -Eric, "YEEEees?" (argh... he is so... NOT FUNNY! Any less funny and he could write this column) -The Misfits had three words for Eric, those three words were "KISS OUR ASS!!" (Keep in mind that this is 7:15 IN THE PM!!! 4:15 ON THE LEFT COAST!!!!!) -Then Major Gunns mooned Bischoff. She was wearing a thong. [Ed: I just wanted to take this moment to infiltrate that annoying Thong Song in everyone's heads just so I'm not the only one, so here goes... "Thong, tho-thong thong thong..." Haha... Phear me!] -Bischoff told them that they just "signed their Death Warrant". (and even THAT had a "No Compete" clause) -Bischoff left, the Misfits celebrated the fact that they will be losing 90% of their matches for the next two years. Later, Booker was seen looking in the mirror, saying "If you smell what the T is cooking!!" then sobbing uncontrollably. -Backstage/Outside/pre-taped stuff as Hogan, Luger, Sting, and Page arrive. Hogan surmises that Nash is "late" again. Sting points out that being late is Nash's "gimmick". Then says that it's his "gizamick". Oh he SO COOL, man!! -Hey, until Carson Daly sandwiches an "IZ" somewhere... it just ain't hip!!! -"Here's the latest from Briznity Spiznears"... only then will it fly. -commercials -Backstage, Booker and the Misfizits (oh F-it) aren't finished yelling at Eric backstage. Eric responded by firing Booker on the spot... of course, he never actually SAID "You are FIRED", because surely Booker would have screamed, "FREE AT LAST!! FREE AT LAST, GOOD GOD ALLMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!!!" Then he would have said, "FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!" and hightail it right to Stamford. -Elsewhere backstage, Russo was resting against an open casket with a huge nose in it. He bitched at Elizabeth for the non-sluttiness of her dress (this might be the sloppiest sentence I have ever written... and Lord knows I've produced some whoppers). Then the camera guy clears his throat, Russo gets to the ‘script" and starts moaning "WHY, WHYYY" over the coffin. (That was cute). -He asked Jarrett why this had to happen to Flair. Jarrett snapped that it was because Flair was so damn old. -Russo giggled with Shane Douglas about this. Then broke up a fight between Daffney and Crowbar over who owns the Cruiserweight title... then invited David Flair to "rest your head against my busoms". (The man's got BALLS!!) -Backstage/Outside... Terry Taylor pulls up in a truck. He gets out. Also getting out is Ric Flair's 12 year old son Reid, unless Tony was mistaken. He wasn't. I wonder if Reid will treat us to another demonstration of his Amateur skills. I still get shivers of admiration up my spine (and in my pecker... for some unGodly reason) whenever I recall the time his gracefully slid his bent leg around the ring much to the approval of "Uncle Arnie" (Isn't that a play by Chekov? And who knew that Walter Koenig had such talent?). -M & M's is sponsoring this portion of the show. How the phrase "No Blue Aqui" has yet to sweep the nation is beyond me. Yet I can't go ten minutes without hearing someone yell "WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUP"? A year ago, hearing that would automatically make me throw my wallet in the air as I duck for cover somewhere. -The Announcers get face time. Madden pretends to weep over Flair's "demise". He calls up the tears by adjusting his thighs so they crush his balls. It's not a major adjustment. -BIG sign behind them that says "MR. TITO'S PDC... followed by a web address I can't make out. I don't even want to know. It can't POSSIBLY be good, not with a name like that. -Hudson announces that Terry Funk may announce his retirement tonight. I can't imagine ANYONE guessing he would've outlasted Foley. -Tony dubs over Funk doing a Press Conference in front of actors. The only question we hear is from someone from IGN asking, "Excuse me, what why the Hell would you wear a red bandanna with a Tuxedo?" -What the Hell is Wolf Blitzer doing there? -Daffney comes out with a Ric Flair Stuffed doll (might have been a Hogan doll) and a shirt that says, "HUNGER FOR UNGER" (Why would she want to give head to Tony Randall?) -Daffney picks up the mic and in a very rational voice (and thank the bloomin' Queen Mum for THAT!) says that SHE'S the one who pinned "that skank" for the Cruiserweight belt... so there is no reason why Crowbar should have it, so why doesn't Crowbar come on out and they can settle this like two reasonable, mature, adults? -Crowbar comes out. Jesus... that's a big ass nose. -If Daffney were any whiter she could write for 1wrestling.com. -They start things off by having a tug of war with the Cruiserweight belt. Daffney drops it. -Then they engage in Thumb Wrestling. (I am UNDEFEATED IN THUMB WRESTLING!!! The secret is that I use my Index Finger as a Manager and have it interfere) -Then they do a few rounds of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" -Hudson, "Hellooo, it's World Championship WRESTLING!!!" (ever wonder just how clueless Hudson is?) -Madden, "This is like Thesz/O'Connor 2!!!" (WOW!!! Gotta give it to the fat prick... that is OLD school. I doubt anyone caught it) -Miss Handcock came out to take notes, or... as Tony calls her... "Miss HandCOCK"... it's barely 7:30, people. -Crowbar lifts Daffney up and sits her on the turnbuckle. He stands on the top ropes to set up a Frankensteiner (which really should be permanently changed to Hurracarana since neither Steiner is going to be performing that move anytime in this reality anymore). He decides against it, and instead drops down. Daffney, instead of thanking him, reaches into his pants and yanks up his underwear. Madden screams, "ATOMIC WEDGIE, ATOMIC WEDGIE, ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!!!!" What? Did Sullivan invent that name too? (inside joke, maybe four people got it) -I have no problems admitting to once getting a wedgie so bad that my underwear tore completely off. Then the "real" fun began. That was the last time I EVER stepped into a Confessional. -Then Daffney jumped to the top ropes and hit her own Frankensteiner, which was called a "Frankenscreamer". Crowbar stood up, mumbled, "Ahh, why not sell it?" and fell back down. Daffney tried to pin, but Crowbar would have none of it. -Crowbar snapmared the screaming bitch, then did the Over the Top Rope Flipover Splashy thing. He then regretted the act, feeling guilt over assaulting a member of the opposite sex. Good. Women should NOT be abused! They should be loved, cherished, and worshipped!!! (F-you... I am currently worming my way into possible negotiations for a shot at that nastiest of nasties... it's a whole new Ballgame now.) -Chris Candido and Tammy ran in and interfered. The Ref allowed the match to go on. Why even use Refs anymore? -After some stuff, Candido gave Crowbar a sit down Piledriver on a chair. Daffney bent over him and tried to revive him. The Ref took that as a pin and counted to three. Daffney retained and kept the belt. None of this took away the fact that Crowbar's nose is large enough to almost qualify as a disfigurement. -Backstage... the "Kidcam" spots Torrie Wilson straddling Horace's back and giving him a massage. Her hair was hanging freely... as were her breasts. -Madden claims to haven't seen that form of Massaging since then last time he was in Las Vegas. -Hudson, in that deep, baritone, ironic announcer style, "I think she's rubbing Horace the right WAY!" -Tony, "I think this is rubbing Kidman the WRONG way!!" -Hyatte, "sigh". -commercials. Randy Savage frightens off his girlfriend in a lust for Slim Jims. I saw the video "strip tease" of whatshername and still maintain that her chooch looks like a Lobster Claw. -There was some stuff with Ralphus and Smiley washing cars, then Kidman yelled at Bischoff then attacked Horace... to be perfectly frank with you... I missed most of this because I spent the commercials watching Torrie rub down Horace and making frequent use of the rewind button... -Yes, I was rubbing myself too. -Yes, I was rubbing myself the "right way" -No, I am not proud of it. -Actually... I AM proud of it. I am VERY proud of it. I am an AMERICAN!!!! This Country was BUILT on the VERY FOUNDATION that life should be lived to it's FULLEST!!!! We are not JAPANESE!!!! Where fornication is some sort of ritualistic ACT!!! We are not BRITISH!!!! Where properness is taken to such an extreme where it is considered scandalous to show even a bleedin' HINT of excitement!!! We are not IRISH!!!! Where years of oppression and inebriation has created a Nation of Impotence!!!! WE ARE AMERICANS!!!!!!!! WE BREED LAZINESS!!! OOZE LUSTFUL URGES!!!! AND BY CHRIST, IT IS BY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SHRUG OFF MY RESPONSIBILITIES AND FULFILL MY BASE DESIRES WITHOUT USE OF TISSUES OR ANY SORT OF GUNK CATCHING CLOTH!!!! AND AS ALLAH AS MY WITNESS... I WILL SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY CAN AS I FLICK THE RESIDUE OFF MY HAND WHERE IT SHALL SOAR ACROSS MY ROOM AND LAND ONTO A WALL!!!!! I WILL SOB THE TEARS OF FREEDOM AS I WATCH THE GOO SLIDE DOWN THE WALL MUCH LIKE THE SHACKLES OF TYRANNY SLIPPED OFF THE WRISTS OF MY FOREFATHERS!!!! THIS IS WHY I LOVE AMERICA DAMMIT!!!! MY HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!!!!! -I return from enjoying my Constitutional Rights to see Kidman marching around, looking for Horace while Bischoff follows him, asking him why he's being such a baby? -Kidman finds Torrie and berates her. Torrie tells him to chill. It's just business. Kidman don't care... Kidman get angry... Kidman attack Horace. Me speak in stilted form. Oooga. -Torrie's wearing a choke collar. GOOD!!! SHE SHOULD BE LEASHED LIKE THE DOG SHE IS!!! (it's a post-coitus thing... it's why guys suddenly get irritable afterwards... deep down, we sort of hate you). -So, Kid' and Ho' are going at it. Bischoff decided to hold an impromptu match with Torrie as the Guest ref. He called a ref over. Punched him in the gut as like a guy who watched one too may episodes of "Starsky and Hutch". The Ref sold it like a douchebag. Bischoff tore off the Ref's shirt and handed it to Torrie. That move automatically re-asserts Eric as the biggest LOSER ON TELEVISION!!!! I FINALLY HATE HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! -He's fat, short, has no muscle tone, and is a horrible actor even by Wrestling standards. -YET... McMahon is the guy who apparently knocked out HHH with one punch... so he's no better. Other than the fact that he is also GOD!!!! -Even though they were too caught up in the throes of their bloodlust (plus, Horace isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer either) to hear Bischoff make it a match, they somehow made there way to the ring... My GOD HOW LUCKY COULD THEY GET?? -Finally at ringside, Bischoff marched over to the Announce table to join them... My GOD HOW LUCKY COULD WE GET?? -Eric brought nothing to the Announce table, other than to announce that there will be a "Special Referee" at the Great American Bash. He didn't make it clear for which match. -Say, where is Earl Hebner? You don't think... NOOOO??? -Bischoff said that after 20 days he and Russo will have completed their plan and FINALLY OVERTAKE RAW AND SHOW THE WORLD THAT BISCHOFF SHOULD BE MAKING ALL THE HEADLINES, SHMOOZING WITH NETWORK EXECUTIVES, AND STARTING HIS VERY OWN FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!! HASN'T THIS MCMAHON BEEN A PRETENDER TO BISCHOFF'S THRONE LONG ENOUGH????? REMEMBER WHO WAS NUMBER 1 FOR THE FIRST 100 WEEKS DAMMIT!!!! -Want to know why I PRAY the day Nitro re-takes Mondays never comes? Because as soon as it does, guess who will be interviewed by Bob Ryder every two weeks bragging about how great he is. Guess who's pomposity go will grow by leaps every week. Guess who has the absolutely BIGGEST chip on his shoulder. -And now, he's brought a friend. THAT'S why. -Horace set up a table inside the ring. Bischoff registered his disgust at Madden for asking if Torrie went with the winner at this match. (This is WCW... we don't pawn our ladies off like common SLAVES!!!! Coming up next, Russo makes Elizabeth walk around while wearing a fully charged dildo... maybe THAT'LL loosen ‘er up!) -Hogan crept out. In full stealth mode... which means he daintily held his arms out and shushed the camera. Millions of retards at home started to yell, "LOOK OUT BILLY, HULK IS COMING!!!!!" -Hogan hit the ring, picked up Kidman, and dumped him onto Horace, who was on the table. -Then Hogan grabbed Torrie by the hair (knock some brains into the Bitch, Hulky!!!) and made her count as he laid Kidman on Horace and his boot on them both. She counted. -Torrie ran out of their... presumably to change panties. Hogan got on the mic and told Bischoff that he USED to think Bischoff was a pretty cool guy, (this is the same guy who thought a movie built around the image of him in a TuTu was a "pretty cool idea"), but whomEVER he has got to be the Guest Referee, it won't matter. Not a whole Hell of a lot DOES matter when you have total control over all of your finishes. God Bless the Big Guy. He knows how to grab a promoter by the short hairs and YANK! -Hogan also made rumblings about getting himself a WCW title shot. (Anyone else get douchechills whenever he talks about title shots?). Then he called Eric a "little piece of shit". Bischoff raved about such an affront to his ego. -Backstage, Russo and company commiserate and kill time over Flair's coffin. -Elsewhere backstage, Terry Taylor has a "Friend of the Family/Son talk" with Reid Flair. I had those all the time with various friends of my father. Sometimes Pop would even join in. I rarely sleep well at night now. -commercials -Outside, Smiley and Ralphus try to talk the Filthy Animals into allowing them to wash Konan's low rider. Konan made the Low Rider bounce. I appreciate Russo's desire to write EVERYONE into the show and try to get EVERYONE over... but could someone in WCW PLEASE tell him that NOBODY WILL EVER CARE ABOUT KONAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEVERMIND WHAT THOSE 5 PEOPLE WHO CALL WCW LIVE SAY!!!!!!!!!!! THE REST OF THE FREE SPEAKING WORLD THINKS HE'S A WASTE OF TIME!!!! -Backstage, the Misfits watch the scene outside and make commentary. -commercials -Terry Funk comes out. He has the Tuxedo. He has the bandanna. He has wrestling boots on. He is wearing his Hardcore title. -We see his Daughter in the crowd, looking on proudly. And you think YOUR family's tapped? -Terry gets on the mic and announces that he has an important announcement that is long overdue. First, he introduces his daughter, Brandy. -He makes "Blue" stand up... which she does. He says that "Old Blue has been waiting for this announcement for years!!" (Ahh, looks like Terry's about to hand over the account number of the $247 in residuals for his work in "Road House"!!) -Terry promised us that his Wife thinks this announcement is overdue... -Terry proceeded to run down all his various family members who promised to watch the show tonight... (Man, they are DESPERATE for the numbers!) -OOoo, if they had him announce that he told Mick Foley to watch the show... that would have REDEFINED the word "Balls". He didn't. -Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff told various members of the New Blood to go out there and hasten Funk's monologue. After all, there is no need to just HAND the ratings over to "Jeopardy". -The New Blood came out, with Shane Douglas at the helm. Douglas said that they didn't want to hear from his "Old Man Ass" (oy) all night. Just make the damn announcement. -Funk teased Douglas, incessantly asking if he really wanted to hear it. Finally daring Douglas to say "Aw Hell yeah". -Funk's announcement was... He is officially a Grandpa!! One of his daughters, perhaps "Blue" recently had a Baby Boy! -Douglas didn't give a crap about that, he wanted to hear Funk announce his retirement. -Funk said that Grandpas should be at home, sitting in their rocking chairs... playing with their Grandkids... (or, they should be at the Dinner table on Christmas, playing with themselves, like my Grandpa used to do. He claimed Senility... but I knew better... I knew better.) -Once, Grandpa dumped an entire bowl of mashed potatoes down his pants. Actually, I sort of enjoyed scooping out a helping for myself. Grandpa made natural gravy t'boot. -Funk announced that he would retire June 1st. He said Brad Seigal cried when he heard Funk was retiring. Yes, he was retiring June 1st. -Funk waited a beat, then said June 1st... 2001!!! (all together now... Waa waa waa waaaaaaa) -Douglas did the wrestling equivalent of "D'Oh"... then decided that he will BE retired right then and right there. They charged. -It is incumbent upon myself to point out that Candido and Tammy was with Douglas, along with a couple of others. Thus, two thirds of the Triple Threat were re-united. -It is incumbent upon myself to make sure I have properly spelled and used the word "incumbent" -It is incumbent upon myself to now begin giggling like a douchebag because I got to sneak in the word "cum" in this column. inCUMbent... heh heh heh hee hee hee ha ha ha -Oh, these kids knocked Funk around like a two bit Hoo-wa. They even piledrove him into a chair. "Blue" ran into the ring to do little else but add drama to the situation. Of course, she was reduced to sitting in the corner and sobbing as Daddy put these young stallions over (Isn't Shane in his 40's?). -Shane took the Hardcore belt for himself and claimed new ownership. If they start using the 24/7 rule... I'm gonna... I'M GONNA... oh, I ain't gonna do shit. -Outside, The Misfits misdirect Smiley and Major Gunns feels up Ralphus's arms while Hammer replaces their wash bucket with a different kind of bucket. I smell comedy!!!! -NEXT... The WALL. Mike AWESOME. No RAW. Where do you think YOU'RE going? -commercials -Chris Kanyon tells Mike Tenay that once he gets out of that Neck Halo, he's gonna find out what STINKS IN THIS HOSPITAL ROOM? Then he will go into rehab, THEN he will begin his program as being the new Mick Foley!!! He can't WAIT UNTIL THE FANS START GIVING HIM STANDING OVATIONS FOR HIS COURAGE!!!!! -Coach Buzz Stern had a better chance of getting over than this guy does. -Mike Awesome rolls out in a Wheelchair and a Neck Brace. He has a mic and proceeds to make fun of Chris Kanyon's fake injury. He has no charisma and zero personality (or ZERO charisma and no personality... if you wish)... but DAMN if he ain't a monster. -The Wall came out. He didn't know Kanyon, maybe said 3 words to Kanyon his whole life... but WHAT AWESOME DID TO HIM WAS WRONG AND BY GOD, THE WALL IS GOING TO MAKE HIM PAY!!!!!! -Crowbar? What is a "Crowbar"? -Hogan? Off a Hotel roof? What are you talking about? -The match started and Tony FINALLY announced that this was a "Tables & Ambulance Match". (Suddenly, a "Yappa Indian Strap Match" sounds GOOD!) -"Eddy Money"... BWAHAHAAAAA -For a match that sounded so nasty, it ended amiably enough with Awesome backdropping The Wall into a table and winning the match. -Of course, because these guys act about as well as Madden diets... there's a moment of awkwardness as Awesome makes damn sure to celebrate while his back was to the Wall. The wall climbed back into the ring and resumed his attack. Naturally, Tony and the boys compared this to the day Jesus walked out of the tomb fresh as a daisy. -They spilled out of the ring, where Shane Douglas showed up with a lead pipe and no apprehensions with using it. -The three men made their way to an ambulance... when suddenly... -"Diamond" Dallas Page STORMED out of the Ambulance and attacked with a chair. THAT SNEAKY LITTLE BASTARD!!!!!!! -He pitched Awesome into the Ambulance, which took off, and left Douglas in the hands of the wall, who proceeded to choke him and snarl, "I'll kill you!!" -Elsewhere the Pallbearers lug Flair's erstwhile Coffin down the Hall. I will leave it to lesser recappers to point out that Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas were among the processioners, even though Awesome was currently in a speeding Ambulance and Douglas was currently on the ground with an Idiot's paw around his neck. Since the world hasn't collapsed upon itself as of this writing, it is safe to assume that Jean Claude showed up in a nick of time to put things in proper chronological order. -Oh yes, and Russo berated Elizabeth some more, then told the Main Event to get her out of his sight. -commercials -The second hour has arrived. Now is the part of the recap where I express amazement that I've spent the last 10 hours on one single hour. -JESUS FRIGGIN' CRAP!!!!!!!!! THIS SHOW OFFICIALLY QUALIFIES AS ENDLESS!!!!!!! -Ralphus unwittingly dumps white paint all over Konan's Low Rider. I bet you could apply the word "unwittingly" to just about every move Ralphus makes. How he manages to run a website is beyond me. -Out comes the Funeral... err... guys. On paper, this sounds like a thoughtful, smooth way to further along the Flair/Russo feud. On reality, this looks like a Godawful way to eat up ten minutes by having everyone run down Ric Flair. -So, it's Russo, Jarrett, and David Flair. The coffin was placed conspicuously at ringside, surrounded by Non Union workers posing at "R & B" Security personnel. (I SWEAR, I thought one of them was Mongo McMichael... which would basically be the wrestling equivalent to the time Gary Coleman was caught working as a Hollywood Security Guard. -Gary Coleman, by the way, has gone on record with this quote... "A man's crotch is no place for a Woman's face to be." My hand to god, I swear I heard Scaia say the exact same thing. -They all hit the ring. Russo kicks things off by saying that yes, this WILL be a 10 minute segment where they will bury Ric Flair's career. And they kicked it off by showing... -footage of Charles Robinson carrying a stumbling Flair down the aisle at "Thunder". Hudson DEMANDS that they dump out of this footage... and so they did (whoa, who knew HE had stroke?). -Russo goofed on the patheticness of that scene. You may now take the time to ponder the authenticity of the word "Patheticness". -Russo said WE were to be blamed for this... WE convinced Flair to stick around even though he was so damn old, (Hey, I just wanted him to make a last run in the WWF to be McMahon's real "Corporate Champion"... that would have RULED!!) -Russo said Flair had a brain aneurysm. Believe it or not... I spelled that correctly on my VERY FIRST ATTEMPT!!!! -Russo was saddened that Son could not have the opportunity to beat on Father. -Then Russo got into an argument with the fans over whether or not he "sucked". -Then Russo, in order to REALLY get heat, remarked that all of the sudden, funerals for wrestlers around this time of the year is suddenly a TRADITION!!! (oh dear God, now he's gone too far!) -BEFORE YOU WRITE TO ME ALL PISSED OFF... keep in mind that I actually had a much worse line, but I self-edited. -Besides, it's all a work. -Russo then handed the World Belt back to Jeff Jarrett. At this rate, he'll top Flair's 15 reigns by Labor day. -Jarrett got on the stick and reminded us that he is the "Chosen One". Ho and Hum. -Russo produced Flair's Rolex and announced that it belongs in the Coffin with the rest of his career. -Russo hopped out of the ring and opened the Coffin. Suddenly, a hand SHOT UP AND GRABBED RUSSO BY THE NECK!!!!!!! OOOH IT'S BRET HART!!! NONE TOO THRILLED ABOUT THIS DEATH BUSINESS BEING HELD THIS WEEK OF ALL WEEKS!!!!!! -In actuality, it was Kevin Nash, who lumbered out of the box, tossed Russo away, then knocked David and Jarrett out. Those Security Guards did nothing. One wonders why they were even there? -Tony brilliantly called Kevin Nash, "The ghost of Ric Flair's career". That doesn't make a single iota of sense. -Nash walks away with the World belt. We are escorted away to some... -commercials -Some Blonde Chippie misses the on air cue for a good second. Then she asks Russo what he pla... -Russo tries to grab the mic out of her hands and screams, "WHO ARE YOU??" Then gives Nash 45 minutes to hand the title back to Jarrett or Jarrett will come and take it away from him, violently. It should be pointed out that Russo never quite got the mic out of Blondie's hands. It should also be pointed out that the Blonde has bazookas for titties. It should ALSO be pointed out that they wasted very little time in making sure we knew that Blondie was no rocket scientist. -Scott Steiner comes out. He has added a third girl to his current regime. Meanwhile, poor Missy Hyatt is staring at her phone and wondering where she went wrong. -Steiner gets on the mic and proceeds to dazzle us with some astoundingly bad poetry, all of which harps around the notion that he still can get it up even though he has enough junk in his system to kill a Bull Elephant. -He does admit to enjoying his return to his home state. -Dig it man, when the dark side of the moon rises, the flip side of the Big Bad Booty Daddy comes out, and that's all about love... taste... and touch. (N-Word PLEASE!!) -ALL the freaks know that there is nothing "finer" than doing the (BLEEP, BLEEP, AND FOR CHRISSAKES BLEEP) with Scott Steiner. So he's our Hookup and we should holler if his mic is working. -Steiner said that his whole life, people have been telling him about the wild hair he has up his ass... and how he was such an undisciplined lad that he really should be in jail, but he's been in a Cell and he's been through Hell (uh oh... any more obvious and he'll have a WWFE attorney sharing space up his ass with that wild hair). But, he is ALWAYS a Survivor and from here on out... wherever he is, the "Cell" will follow along with him. Jesus, DOES THIS GUY EVER SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY?? ALL HE DOES IS BLUNDER FROM ONE NON-SEQUITOR TO ANOTHER!!!! It's like he's just reciting the Cliff Notes from his REAL speech. -Meanwhile, the Braintrust known as the WCW Announcers pretend to finally notice that there is a cage hanging above them. The dumbest sitcom in the history of television would not have tried a stunt like that. -I mean... I can understand that the cage was there for this one, specific spot, but Jesus Crow... would it have RUINED EVERYTHING if the Announcers just said, "Hey, what is that cage and why is it there?" even ONCE during the opening? WHY WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SO HORRIBLE???? -stupid... F-ing... ASSES -Steiner called out either his brother and/or Tank Abbott to come out, join him in the doorless cage and party. Isn't now the time where Tina Turner comes out to sing, "WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HERO" ? -Madden declared that the cage was "69 feet high". Oh, his is a sparkling wit. -Rick Steiner comes out. Thankfully, he dumped that ridiculous leather jacket. -The Brothers go at it as the cage is lowered. Tony asks, "Is this one of the most mind boggling things you've ever seen?" (err... no. A RAINBOW is mind boggling. A Starry night SKY is mind boggling. The length of time it takes for me to do this COLUMN is mind boggling.) -The cage eventually landed. Immediately, it becomes clear that the thing is too small. -Somewhere along the line, although not necessarily that night, Scott took a stiff shot in the eye, because he had a bit of a mouse under it. -Scott had Rick in his Recliner finisher... -When Tank Abbott came out to Goldberg's music, Goldberg's entrance, and Goldberg's piped in chants (Give it UP guys). -Tank also had a pair of bolt cutters... well, he only had one. In case we thought he just had a growth or something, he stuck them in front of the camera and snapped wildly. -Tank came on out and quickly learned that the Cutters didn't work. (THEN WHY THE HECK DID HE... oh who cares?) -Tank went with option two... which was simply popping the guy with the cage controls and raising the cage himself. The Double team was ON!!! -The Double team was OFF as Kevin Nash ran... HAHAHA... trotted out and cleaned house. Before anyone could decide if they even CARED why Nash would want to help out Scott, Madden jumped in and surmised that Nash was trying to RECRUIT Steiner into the Millionaire's Club. -Am I crazy or does Nash look totally fed up with this company? Eh, I might just be crazy. -Backstage, Jarrett and Russo looked on and pondered. -commercials -Backstage, the Blonde girl announces that she's waiting for Kevin Nash. Then stares into the camera. If a thought cloud was able to pop over her head, it would hold the word, "Whatever". -Nash came out. Raped the girl with his eyes. Asked who she was. She said her name was "Pamela Poleshot" (??) and she was the new interviewer for WCW. Nash asked if she was single. She giggled. Nash continued to sexually harass her with his eyes. Then he said that Jarrett can come and get the belt if he wants... and what the Hell, let's make it a title match! Then he manhandled the girl in order to fully appreciate her ass. I encourage ALL males to do that to ALL girls. See how far it gets you. -Elsewhere, Terry Taylor rapes Reid Flair with HIS eyes (MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!! TAYLOR, YOU SICK, SICK BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!) -Chuck Palumbo (so close to that lucrative Yogurt Empire... yet so damn far) brought Liz and some Security people out for a tumble with DDP. Things went swimmingly enough until Kimberly came out and WHALLOPED Liz with a baseball bat. Mike Awesome also ran out to hit Page with his Halo Brace. Lex Luger ran out to tend to Elizabeth, ignoring the ring action as his fellow Millionaire was busy getting tuned on. Luger finally made it a point to enter the ring from a different side just so Kimberly could grab his leg. Kimberly let go and Lex stood there just long enough for things to look sloppy and awkward. THEN Palumbo hit Lex with his Flexy grippy thing. -First we had the thing where Douglas and Awesome were involved in two completely different segments back to back... THEN we had the Announcers discover a cage that was hanging over the ring virtually unnoticed for the first hour plus... NOW this bout of sloppy timing. It's getting harder and harder to believe that Russo's the guy who orchestrated the Masterful Birth of the "Corporate Champion" Rocky Maivia 2 Survivor Series ago. -Next, we see what Reid Flair has to say, and is Bischoff about to get another Greco-Roman lesson? -commercials -Moments ago, Lex took a face shot that COULD HAVE VERY WELL DESTROYED HIS FACE!!!!!!! -The Medics simply were NOT getting Luger into the Ambulance fast enough for Page's liking. Well, maybe if he didn't HOVER ALL OVER THEM!!!! -In another room, Kimberly rubs all this in Liz's face. -Terry Taylor comes out with Reid Flair. Madden says that he will be "very frank" and claim to see no reason why the kid should be there. (MAN... that was FRANK!!!) -Terry put the mic in Reid's face. Reid asked David to come out because he had something very important to say. He repeated it again. He repeated it thrice. -David came out with Daffney. They entered the ring. -Reid apologized to David for... no clue. Then said that he was missed, and he was loved. It's the best anyone could expect from a 12 year old. -David put his hands to his ears. Then screamed at his Brother. Taylor tried to calm him down... Daffney whacked him with a Statue (YOU SELL THAT MOVE TAYLOR!!!! DAMMIT, YOU SELL THAT MOVE!!!!!) -Taylor sold it. David and Reid maneuvered around each other... -Reid kicked his brother in the sack. Then he speared him. Then he applied a headlock. Crowd chanted "BORING, BORING" (Jeeze... give the kid a BREAK!!) -David shoved himself out of it and put his brother in the Figure Four. WCW Security ran in. Tony had the sheer nuts to scream, "MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE COME TO!!!" (well, Lord willing, we've come to almost the end of the show.) -commercials. Lakers/Blazer are NEXT. Why do only Portland players where headbands? -footage of what just happened. Suddenly, David is the superior actor! -Vampiro came out with a can of gasoline and a blowtorch. -Hulk Hogan came out empty handed. -The Announcers... err.. announce that Vampiro has the gas and the blowtorch in honor of his next big PPV match with Sting, which will be a "Human Torch" match. Madden makes it clear that the loser of this match will be set on fire and their flesh will burn, burn burn!!! -Let's try something different for once and NOT make a Johnny Storm reference, okay? -I'll be honest, I missed half the match because I was so hungry I gobbled three potatoes straight out of the microwave. Those dogs were HOT!! -I DID catch Hogan busting the Announce table by way of Vampiro's body. -I also heard Madden brag that THIS is WCW. We might see "phony DQ's" somewhere else, we might see "Cluster finishes" somewhere else... but not here... oh no... not here in WCW. -Then... and I can't HELP but to wonder if this was intentional, Madden followed up that statement by saying, "IT'S A FIGHT, WITH AN ABSOLUTE FINISH... AND LATER ON... BURNING FLESH, AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH!!!!" -come on. He's GOT to be breaking balls. He can't be so dumb as to rag on the WWF's miscued PPV finish then hype up some guy getting set on FIRE!!! -After Hogan dominated for 99% of the match, Billy Kidman ran in, hit him with the Blowtorch, and put Vampiro on top of him for the pin. Now, wouldn't that qualify as a "cluster finish"? -Vampiro made a lame attempt to set Hogan on fire (i.e He picked up the gas can). When Sting ran out and cleaned house. Hogan flashed back to his NWO days and started berating the camera. -commercials -Guess what happened when the Filthy Animals came back to their freshly washed car? Well, Ralphus ended up laid out. The Misfits ended up getting Major Gunns to give him mouth to mouth. Ralphus stuck his tongue out a bit too early. The broad nearly puked. She slapped him. Everyone laughed. Including Tony, WAAY too hard. -footage of the Hogan loss. -Jeff Jarrett came out. -Kevin Nash came out. GOOD. Let's finish this. -Vince Russo came out, as it turns out, he'll be guest ref. -The match started. As usual, Nash owns it. -Nash goes for the quick pin. Russo opted not to pin. -Jarrett chairs Nash. Nash gets up fast. Jarrett gets clotheslined over the top rope. -It spills outside (DUUUH) -Russo still refuses to count. Nash goes after him. Jarrett hits him with the title belt -The satellite feed goes screwy. I miss a pin attempt and Nash getting sprayed with something. -Scott Steiner runs out. HE gets maced and then handcuffed to the ring rope by R & B Security. -Nash grabs Russo by the neck and forced him to count to three as he kneels on Jarrett. Jarrett still manages to kick out. Nice twist. -Nash is sick of Russo, so he goes after him, by way of plowing through a rash of Security. -He gets his hand on Russo; in fact, he gets BOTH hands on him. He sets up for the Jackknife. -A couple of gallons of "New Blood" pours down on them. Nash has to move in order to get more under it. -Jarrett swoops in and clubs him with his Guitar. Russo makes the count. Jarrett gets the belt for a third time. -BUT!!! Someone there thought that perhaps a brief overrun might keep people away from RAW and into the NBA... so they stayed on the air rather pointlessly so that Bischoff, Russo, and Jarrett could kill time with a little congratulatory mic work. -FINALLY, the show ended. RAW wins. I didn't care much for this Nitro. It harkened back to the old days. RAW was slick! RAW had punch! RAW had punchy slickness. RAW had the return of the Undertaker (sort of) which started out great, but then turned dopey. Nitro had too many errors, mistakes, and Madden. Bischoff blows too. RAW wins. Now is the time for something I call the Closer. So, over the past week I have been updating and re-formatting old Mop-Ups before I ended up losing them. Naturally, it means that I had a chance to look back at some of my past stuff, ("www.sabu.com" might have been the greatest prank played by a columnist... EVER!). I also discovered that I really churned out some kick ass closers in my day. So, after the rampaging success of last week's Pick-Up line re-post (only 1 complaint and zero compliments), I thought I would re-post another "Classic Closer" for those who didn't read it the first time around...UPDATED AND WITH NEW MATERIAL!!! Here it is: If you are anything like me, then you grew up listening to those headbanging hair bands of the 80's. When former Judas Priest front man Rob Hanford announced to the world that he was gay, I was OVERCOME by a feeling of sheer... ambivalence, (I was never into Judas Priest, all I knew was that he was the baldest headbanger I ever saw... until Kevin DuBrow of "Quiet Riot" came along of course). Never the less, it got me thinking. if the man who sung, "You Got Another Thing Coming" (and doesn't his announcement give THAT song a new meaning?) was a gay man, I wondered what other hairband had members who rode the "Hershey Highway"? So let's take a look at some other more famous bands and see what's doing under those tight spandex pants. (Note..I want to make this perfectly clear...EVEN IF THEY ARE ALL GAY...IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!! I have NEVER had a problem with anyone with a different sexual preference. To be bothered by someone who prefers their own gender is childish and retarded. Grow up homophobes!) Anywhoo.. ARE THEY OR AREN'T THEY? -Whitesnake: With Tawny Kitean crawling around a car in a silk nighty??? Are you nuts? Okay, so they got divorced afterwards...but she did stick her tongue down his throat in the video, "Here I Go Again". Of course, look at the name... "David Coverdale"... maybe that's a little joke? Maybe "David" is just a "cover" for his real name... "DALE"!! Or maybe "David likes to COVER DALE?? Cover him with WHAT??? Plus, he's BRITISH!!! He packs the fudge. -Warrant: Well, the guy seems awfully happy looking at that blonde in the video "Cherry Pie". And she IS a HOTTIE. And the song is talking about everything BUT ACTUAL cherry pie. I'll have to give that a NO! -Winger: No, but a guy who looks about 40 is singing about a girl who is "Seventeen"... for Chrissakes. The funny part is that now, no 17 year old has any clue who he is... other than he's really, really old. -Scorpions: Well...they ARE German. And they DO have a song called, "Another Piece of Meat". Did I mention that they were German? We'll have to say YES! -Guns & Roses: NO WAY MAN!!!!!!!! AXL RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Van Halen: With David Lee Roth? No F'K'N' WAY!!!! With Sammy Hagar? Naaaaahh...I like Sammy. With this Gary Cherone? That skinny little non-entity who used to play in "Extreme" with some homo named "Nuno"? Then of course, there's Eddie getting all pissy about his lead singers and acting like a total pussy. Jesus, what happened to them? I would have to say NO when Eddie's drunk. But when he's Sober, VH takes it straight up the poop chute. -Led Zeppelin: Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES, YES, YES, AND YES!!! LED ZEP WORSHIPS SATAN AND WORSHIPS THE BUTT!!!!! They also suck, by the way. -Motley Crue: I know, I know...that Tommy and Pamela thing. But consider this..."Smoking in the Boy's Room"?, "Dr Feelgood"?, "Home Sweet Home"?, "Wild Side"? Then there was that song with the chorus, "Girl...Don't go away mad...Girl... Just go away!" Even though they have the video to prove otherwise... and... and... oh who am I kidding, they ain't no FAGS! Lord, they could've re-populated China with all the poon these boys have had. -Ozzy: NO, NO, NO, NO AND NO!!!!!! Then again...he was drunk an AWFULLY LOT! And he did bite the head off a bat! Get him wasted enough and he could be open for ANYTHING! -Poison: They dressed in drag and wore heavy MAKEUP for CHRISSAKES!!! One of their band members is called "CC" for GODSSAKE!!! "Every Rose has It's Thorn" for PETESSAKE!!!!!! That Pamela/Bret Michaels porn tape could be a smokescreen. (and now that I think of it...it's kind of funny and/or ironic that the name "Bret Michaels" should EVER find it's way to a WRESTLING column...and have nothing to do with WRESTLING!) That's a YES!!! Ever hear that "CC guy now? With his voice all rough and harsh now? I wonder what he's been swallowing. Admiral, there be homos here! -Bon Jovi: Oh let's give him a break. He hasn't sold a friggin' thing since the 80's. I give him props because he keeps trying. Their last sort of big single was called "Give Me Something For the Pain!" What hurts John? DOES YOUR ASS HURT????? TOO MUCH BIG SLAGS OF MEAT GETTING JAMMED UP THERE??? Final analysis says a definite NO. Leave them alone. I've fingered too many vags while BJV was playing on that newfangled machine called the "CD" to dis them. -W.A.S.P.: Featuring "Blackie Lawless". Never heard one damn song, couldn't tell you. -Cinderella: With a name like that? Take a wild guess. -Def Leppard: Well, they are British. Plus, their Drummer lost an arm in a "car accident". Maybe he lost it when the wrong person "clenched" at the wrong time and like a Python's grip, it cut off all circulation until Gangrene set in? It could happen? Eh... fey as they may be, they always seemed legit. I think they're straight. -Rat: My Girlfriend LOVED them. So I'll pass on this one, she wouldn't like it. -Stryper: Religious rockers. They banged heads AND preached the name of God at the same time! Of course, the Bible DOES say that God curses men who would lay down with men... it's right there in Isaiah 23:46... under the heading, "Those Damn Jews". So, if their Lord says no butts... Stryper don't play no butts. -ZZ Top. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? NO WAY!!! In fact, I only included ZZ Top here just so I could point out the simply DELICIOUS irony of the band. The Drummer is the ONLY guy in this Trio that doesn't where a long, long beard... and his name is FRANK BEARD!!!!! That is so FREEEAKY!! -Skid Row: Oh sure. With a name like "Sebastion Bach"? Why didn't he just skip the middle man and name himself, "Eaton DeLance"? [Ed: Rumor has it that that the edition of the band that's opening for Kiss this summer across North America will be Bach-less... Sebastian Bach is no longer with the band. No one I know who bought tickets to this gig seems to know this, and the expression on their faces when finding out is priceless each and every time. Try it. Find someone with tickets and try it on'em.] That's enough out of me. Next week... I don't know. I'm sure I'll do SOMETHING. Exactly WHAT? I have no clue. I guess I will get that Writing Contest going. If I feel enough people will do it. I don't know. It all depends on if I have the time. My "other" web project is busy getting national press and attracting the likes of certain "Metal" bands and Rap Moguls who hate it when fans get their music for free. I'm busy dealing with High priced lawyers and Drive-Bys from Dr. Dre's "posse". Then there is this Limp Biscuit tour I'm sponsoring... so I'm a busy, busy boy. Oh yeah, and I'm "gettin' sum" too. So my plate's full. We'll see what happens. Rent "Arthur" and watch the late John Gielgud's funniest movie EVER. The plot is sort of weak, but the one liners are hilarious. "Shall I go in there and wash your D*CK for you? You little shit!" In fact, I'll leave you with ANOTHER quote from the movie. This wasn't so funny... but it's so profound and true... it's so REAL... it must be quoted. "Susan, not all poets drink. Some of us drink because we are not poets." This is Hyatte